Crazy Uncle Ralph
Crazy Uncle Ralph's Top Five... Wrestling PPV Names That Sound Like Porn Movies, Times I Pee During Raw, Wrestlers Who Smart Fans Get Mad At You For Saying Bad Things About, Secrets About World Wrestling Insanity Writers, Places I Want To Go To With Mark Henry, and More
By Crazy Uncle Ralph
Apr 27, 2009 - 9:24 AM

OK, so everyone's got this Facebook thing.   I don't.   I don’t use Facebook, Myspace, Myface, Spacebook, or Titter.   I use nothing.   Partially because I don't like them.   Partially because I'm on probation.  


So James is telling me that all the kids are doing this Top Five thing on Facebook.   Top Five Celebrity Crushes and all that nonsense.   So why can't I?   Forget social network sites.   I have this site and as long as I own the domain, Guttman has to let me write it.   So – ha on him.   Sit back and enjoy my lists….or not.   Whatever.    I just like bein' myself….



5 Places I Want To Go To With Mark Henry

5. My Bookie's House

4. My Ex-Wife's House

3. Mae Young's House


1. Space Camp (I just wanna go – even if it’s alone.   Space camp f**kin' rocks.)


5 Divas I Want To Hook Up With


5. Michele McCool

4. Linda McMahon

3. Maryse

2. Santina Marella (When I'm Drunk)

1. Victoria


5 Things I Like To Eat When I'm Drunk


5. Eggs

4. Garlic Knots

3. The nose of that guy that's staring at me like he thinks he's all tough

2. The TV Guide

1. More Alcohol


Top 5 Wrestling PPV Names Besides "Hard Justice" That Sound Like Porn Movies


5.   SummerSlam

4.   In Your House

3.   Bound For Glory

2.   Tuesday In Texas

1.   New Blood Rising


5 Times I Pee During Raw


5. Opening 20 Minute Blah Blah Segment

4. Triple H's Intro

3. The Segment Before The Main Event With The Announcers Telling Me About The Crappy Pay Per View

2. When I finish my beer…freeing up the bottle and allowing me the freedom to not get up

1.   Any segment that starts with the GM talking to someone and someone else comes into the room and that first person leaves.


5 Things That Can Sound Dirty Even Though They Aren't


5. Ol' Yeller

4. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

3. Chicken Fingers

2. Wet Seal (it's a store at my mall)

1.   It's All Good With Aaron Wood


5 Moves That Really Hurt if You Pay a Hooker To Do It To You


5. Piledriver

4. Camel Clutch
3. The Sgt Slaughter Noogie

2. The Visagara

1. Brass Knuckles Punch to the Face


5 Wrestlers Who Smart Fans Get Mad At You For Saying Bad Things About


5.   Rob Van Dam – That Jerk

4.   Lou Thesz – That Jerk From a Long Time Ago

3.    Nigel McGuiness - British Jerk

2.   Bret Hart – Screwjerk

1.   CM Punk – Jerky Money In The Jerk-Bank


5 People I've Never Been Told I Look Like


5. Will Smith

4. Carrie Underwood

3. William Henry Harrison

2. Jane Seymore

1. Mr. Fuji


5 Things I Wonder When I See John Cena On TV

5.   "How old are those god damned shorts?!"

4.   "Is he supposed to be a solider or a white rapper?   What's the gimmick we're shooting for here?"

3.   "How much ass would I get if I was him?   Damn."

2.   "Did he get the "Word Life" thing from Life cereal?   It seems like something he came up with at breakfast."

1.   "Would he come to my bookie's house with me and Mark Henry?"



Top 5 Guys Who Were On The Cookie Of Those Wrestling Ice Cream Bars I Bought In The 1980s


5.   George "The Animal" Steele

4.   George "The Animal" Steele

3.   The Junkyard Dog

2.   George "The Animal" Steel (the last e was smudged off)

1.   George "The Animal" Steele


5 Secrets About World Wrestling Insanity Writers


5. Canadian Bulldog, Aaron Wood – Married.

4.   Mike Rickard's Old School?   St. Mary's Junior High For F**kin' Morons

3.   ZAH's parents named him that because when he was born, they thought he was an alien.

2.   R.D. Lee, Fritz Stephey, James Bullock, and Matt Dawgs are all the same person.   That person: Chuck Woolery.

1.   James Guttman has interviewed over 150 stars on   Oh.   You knew that one already?   Probably because he says it every five friggin' minutes.


5 Dave Batista Pick Up Lines


5.   "Yo.   You wanna cut my hair?"

4.   "Are those space pants you're wearing because your ass is out of this world."

3.   "Want me to Unleash the Animal?"

2.   "So…you're new here, huh?"

1.   "Get in the car.   I can crush you with my bare hands."



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