We Want Insanity
(21 Mins) JG's Free Audio Insanity: The Suspension That Saves Roman Reigns
JG's 6/21/04 Raw Insanity: The Rock Stops By... And Talks About King Kong Bundy's Scrotum
Off The Page: The Galactus Trilogy
The ROHbot Report:
WWE Smackdown Playlist
We Want Gaming: Real Time Video Game News
The Question: What Discontinued Snack Do You Miss Most?
TGIF: It's Damn True (Or Not), ROH Gets Less Strong, and More
(26 Mins) Honor Nation: A Year’s Worth of Glory

Crazy Uncle Ralph Previews UFC 121: Barack vs. Kane Inside The Ominous Octagon Inferno Cage of Doom

By Uncle Ralph Oct 19, 2010 - 11:25 PM print


So my nephew James Guttman calls me up and goes, "Ralph.   Kevin Wallace can't do a UFC preview thing.   Can you help out?


So I answered him the way any of you would.  

"Who the hell is Kevin Wallace?"


So he goes like, oh he's the MMA guy.   So I said, "What does Kevin Wallace look like?"   He goes, "What?"   I go, "What does Kevin Wallace look like?"   He goes, "What?"   I go, "Say what again!   Say what again!   Now, what does Kevin Wallace look like?!"


He's so stupid.   I was all the way up to, "Then why you try to f**k him like a bitch, Bret" before he figured out I was doing that Pulp Fiction scene.


So UFC 121 - "The Match, The Movie" is on Saturday.   UFC does Saturday night PPVs because they like for people to get drunk, have fun, and watch them.   WWE and the other company do PPVs on Sundays because they like people to watch them when they're all pissed off about school or work the next day.  


The main event is Barack Lesnar vs. Cain Velasquez.   I know what you're thinking.   You're thinking that Kane's last name is Bearer, right?   Wrong.   Different guy.   This guy's Mexican and would be the first Mexican UFC Heavyweight Champion.   People love Mexicans because they invented Tequila and Speedy Gonzalez.   At least, that's why I love them.   So I'd like to see them get a UFC title.  Why not?  You hate Tequlia?  The big question is -  Will Lesnar win or will Kane win?   I'm going with Lesnar.   Know why?   Cause he's a monster, that's why.   He's a big bad vanilla monster with bright white eyebrows and the strength of 1000 toddlers.   Again, I know what you're thinking.   1000 toddlers doesn't sound that tough.   Well, it is.   If you think you could fight 1000 toddlers at once and not lose, you're a lying punk.   A smelly little lying punk.


Another bout set for action is Tito "Not Santana" Ortiz vs. Matt "Not Mark" Hamill.   Matt Hamill is deaf.   Not in the comedy jam sense but in the real sense.   It doesn't really mean anything in shoot fighting because no one has to whisper to him, "Duck the clothesline, superkick."   Actually, the biggest selling point for Matt Hamill is that you can't talk shit to him in the match.   Me -- I talk a lot of shit.   I'd be like, "Your momma serves me Stove Top Stuffing, ho-bag."   So that would be one secret weapon of mine that he would have countered before we even start.   Needless to say, Matt Hamill would kick my ass.  


Then again, my cardio is so terrible that Dorothy Hamill would kick my ass.  


Tito Ortiz has a huge head.   It's like a Mr. Potato Head.   I want to stick eyeglasses on him.   I think Hamill will stick punches to it instead.   Ha!   See what I did there?   Introduce, explain, segue.   This Jager is really making me a Baird's Tale, right?   Right?   Baird's Tale.   Me.   I'm going with Mr. Potato Head in this one.   Good old Mr. Potato Head and his bucket of parts.   Put them all together…and take them all apart.


Also, Jake Shields vs. Martin Kampmann.   I'm going with Jake Shields here.   Most other people will too because he's the only one most people have heard of. Martin Kampmann is lucky he does shoot fighting because if he was in WWE, Vince McMahon would make him carry a backpack to the ring.   He'd have overalls and shit.   Count your blessings, Marty.  


There's other fights, but they don't show those unless all these fights end in like a minute.   They're usually just a bunch of people I really don't know fighting.   If I want to see that, I go to the strip club and throw a handful of cut out green construction paper rectangles in the air.   With the strobes and everything, chicks kill each other.   I usually scream out something like, "This could buy a lot of coke!"   People pounce, baby.   Pounce.


So there it is.   Be sure to watch this fine event at your local pub or hookah bar or wherever you watch fights on TV.   After it's over, be sure to turn over cars and set fire to dumpsters to celebrate.   That's how people show their happiness with sporting events.   So do your part and remember, there's nothing you can't accomplish without a dream, a sense of pride in your own work, and a gun.   A gigantic loaded gun.



blog comments powered by Disqus

JG col

JG's 10/19/15 Raw Insanity: Hell of a Sell
JG's 10/5/15 Raw Insanity: Flashing The Brock Signal
JG's Insanity: The 12th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Insanity: The 11th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Ten Facebook Posts To Annoy Your Friends
JG's Ten Beloved TV Characters Who Were Obvious Psychopaths
JG's 10 More Fun Ways To Infuriate People Online
JG's Ten Insider Wrestling Terms You Shouldn't Use When Talking About Something Besides Wrestling
JG's Insanity: The 10th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Ten Demented Ways We Misused Our Toys
JG's 15 Fun Ways To Infuriate People Online
JG's Ten Sesame Street Muppets That Are Missing And Presumed Dead
JG's Scene From WWE Raw (After Vince McMahon Goes Senile)
JG's Ten Signs You Were A Wrestling Fan Of The 1980s
JG's Insanity: Stone Cold's Greatest Moments (Without Stone Cold)
JG's Ten Wrestling Moves That Really Hurt When You Try Them At Home
JG's Insanity: Everybody Is Tito Santana
JG's Ten Reasons Why WWF LJN Figures Were The Greatest Toys Ever
JG's Ten Judges Who Would Make American Idol Worth Watching
JG's 2012 in Pictures (As Hulk Hogan Will Remember It)
JG's Quintuple Bypass Surgery Insanity
JG's Five Episodes of Diff'rent Strokes That Scarred Me For Life
JG's Ten Facebook Posts That Are Slowly Driving Me Crazy
JG's Ten Truly Terrible Reality Competition Shows
JG's Ten 1980s TV Characters Who Taught Me To Hate
JG's Ten Wrestling Characters Who Went Through Massive Personality Changes
JG's Ten Old School Wrestlers Who Would Terrorize Today's PG WWE
JG's Ten Crazier Fanbases Than Wrestling's
JG's Ten Copycat Wrestling Characters (and The Gimmicks They Copied)
JG's Raw 1000 Insanity: The Rocky Road To Royal Rumble

TGIF: It's Damn True (Or Not), ROH Gets Less Strong, and More
The Question: What Discontinued Snack Do You Miss Most?
The ROHbot Report: "Best in the World" Preview Special
The ROHbot Report: Tag Wars, Return to Hammerstein, and More
TGIF: Overthrowing The King, TNA Saved By A Pumpkin, and More
Worth Your Money? ROH "Supercard of Honor X: Night 1"
The Question: What Video Game Have You Mastered?
Someone Sell Me a Fighting Game!
The ROHbot Report: Adam Cole Pulled, Women of Honor Event, and More
TGIF: Hideo Any Day-o, The Passing of Kimbo Slice, and More
The Bad Girls Club Season 15 - Episode 13: Reunion (Part 3)
The Question: What Music Video Freaks You Out?
Game Day - Dead Rising 4 Leaked, Rick and Morty in Fallout 4, and More
The ROHbot Report: Collinsville Results, Fight Without Honor, and More
TGIF: Ellen Gets In Cena's Pants, Big Critic Vader, and More
The Bad Girls Club Season 15 - Episode 12: Reunion (Part 2)
The Question: What Celebrity Are You Tired of Hearing About?
Game Day - Goldberg in WWE 2K17, Megan Fox as Kitana, and More
The ROHbot Report: Road to Best in the World, Tag Wars Return, More
TGIF: Brands Split, So Does Cody Rhodes, and More
The Bad Girls Club Season 15 - Episode 11: Reunion (Part 1)
Game Day - Fruit Ninja Movie, Batman Returns To Arkham, And More
Remembering The King of Harts - 17 Years Later
The ROHbot Report: War of the Worlds, Best in the World Main Event, More
TGIF: The Wyatt Family Invades Fallout 4, Popping TNA, and More
The Bad Girls Club Season 15 - Episode 10: Five Dollar Farewell
The Question: What's Your Favorite Song Parody?
Game Day - Madden 17 Cover Athlete, Modern Warfare Trilogy, And More
The ROHbot Report: Global Wars, War of the Worlds, and More
TGIF: Going Back To Brooklyn, Wilted Rose, and More


The Never-Seen-It Review: The Lord of the Rings
Aug 7, 2013
Uncle Ralph's TNA Slammiversary (and Parole Party) Report
Jun 3, 2013
Uncle Ralph's 2013 Hall of Fame TV Review
Apr 10, 2013
Uncle Ralph's Night Before Christmas
Dec 25, 2012
Go Kill Yourself, Elf On The Shelf!
Dec 10, 2012
Uncle Ralph's Soundtrack For a Drunken Angry Christmas
Dec 6, 2012
"Dear Mickey Nimage" Love, Uncle Ralph
Nov 29, 2012
Uncle Ralph's Main Event Real Time Report: The Greatest Day In The History Of The Internet
Oct 3, 2012
Uncle Ralph (Hearts) Impact: Avis and Eggs
Aug 17, 2012
Crazy Uncle Smackdown: Great Khali's Fine Head, Toilet Brush Face, and Randy Ortino
Feb 17, 2012
"I Watch Impact Drunk" - A Poem By Uncle Ralph
Jun 22, 2011
Uncle Ralph's Drunk Enough For Tough Enough: Episode Five
May 3, 2011
Crazy Uncle Ralph Previews...WrestleMania 27
Mar 29, 2011
Crazy Uncle Ralph Previews UFC 121: Barack vs. Kane Inside The Ominous Octagon Inferno Cage of Doom
Oct 19, 2010
Five Years of Insanity: Sandow, Rickard, and Uncle Ralph Volume 1
Oct 1, 2010
Uncle Ralph's NXT Report: Ahhhh. Lowki Senshi Kaval! KAVAL!
Jul 6, 2010
Uncle Ralph's NXT Report: Rookies, Old Wrestlers' Kids, and Low Ki Not Wearing His Pajamas
Jun 29, 2010
Crazy Uncle Ralph's WWE SuperStars SuperReview: Primo Ain't So Good, Neither is Matt Hardy or The Guy Who Lost To Luke Gallows
Mar 3, 2010
Crazy Uncle Ralph's WWE SuperStars SuperReview: A Week Late Because I Was In Jail
Feb 4, 2010
Uncle Ralph's ECW Report: Christian Defends The Title Against An Adorable Widdle Guy Named Yoshi
Oct 27, 2009

Even More From This Category >>

ClubWWI.com Contact Us Forums
All content contained here Copyright - We Want Insanity Dot Com