So my nephew James Guttman calls me up and goes, "Ralph.
Kevin Wallace can't do a UFC preview thing.
Can you help out?
So I answered him the way any of you would.
"Who the hell is Kevin Wallace?"
So he goes like, oh he's the MMA guy.
So I said, "What does Kevin Wallace look like?"
He goes, "What?"
I go, "What does Kevin Wallace look like?"
He goes, "What?"
I go, "Say what again!
Say what again!
Now, what does Kevin Wallace look like?!"
He's so stupid.
I was all the way up to, "Then why you try to f**k him like a bitch, Bret" before he figured out I was doing that Pulp Fiction scene.
So UFC 121 - "The Match, The Movie" is on Saturday.
UFC does Saturday night PPVs because they like for people to get drunk, have fun, and watch them.
WWE and the other company do PPVs on Sundays because they like people to watch them when they're all pissed off about school or work the next day.
The main event is Barack Lesnar vs.
Cain Velasquez.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that Kane's last name is Bearer, right?
Wrong.
Different guy.
This guy's Mexican and would be the first Mexican UFC Heavyweight Champion.
People love Mexicans because they invented Tequila and Speedy Gonzalez.
At least, that's why I love them.
So I'd like to see them get a UFC title. Why not? You hate Tequlia? The big question is - Will Lesnar win or will Kane win?
I'm going with Lesnar.
Know why?
Cause he's a monster, that's why.
He's a big bad vanilla monster with bright white eyebrows and the strength of 1000 toddlers.
Again, I know what you're thinking.
1000 toddlers doesn't sound that tough.
Well, it is.
If you think you could fight 1000 toddlers at once and not lose, you're a lying punk.
A smelly little lying punk.
Another bout set for action is Tito "Not Santana" Ortiz vs. Matt "Not Mark" Hamill. Matt Hamill is deaf.
Not in the comedy jam sense but in the real sense.
It doesn't really mean anything in shoot fighting because no one has to whisper to him, "Duck the clothesline, superkick."
Actually, the biggest selling point for Matt Hamill is that you can't talk shit to him in the match.
Me -- I talk a lot of shit.
I'd be like, "Your momma serves me Stove Top Stuffing, ho-bag."
So that would be one secret weapon of mine that he would have countered before we even start.
Needless to say, Matt Hamill would kick my ass.
Then again, my cardio is so terrible that Dorothy Hamill would kick my ass.
Tito Ortiz has a huge head.
It's like a Mr. Potato Head.
I want to stick eyeglasses on him.
I think Hamill will stick punches to it instead.
Ha!
See what I did there?
Introduce, explain, segue.
This Jager is really making me a Baird's Tale, right?
Right?
Baird's Tale.
Me.
I'm going with Mr. Potato Head in this one.
Good old Mr. Potato Head and his bucket of parts.
Put them all together…and take them all apart.
Also, Jake Shields vs. Martin Kampmann.
I'm going with Jake Shields here.
Most other people will too because he's the only one most people have heard of. Martin Kampmann is lucky he does shoot fighting because if he was in WWE, Vince McMahon would make him carry a backpack to the ring.
He'd have overalls and shit.
Count your blessings, Marty.
There's other fights, but they don't show those unless all these fights end in like a minute.
They're usually just a bunch of people I really don't know fighting.
If I want to see that, I go to the strip club and throw a handful of cut out green construction paper rectangles in the air.
With the strobes and everything, chicks kill each other.
I usually scream out something like, "This could buy a lot of coke!"
People pounce, baby.
Pounce.
So there it is.
Be sure to watch this fine event at your local pub or hookah bar or wherever you watch fights on TV.
After it's over, be sure to turn over cars and set fire to dumpsters to celebrate.
That's how people show their happiness with sporting events.
So do your part and remember, there's nothing you can't accomplish without a dream, a sense of pride in your own work, and a gun.
A gigantic loaded gun.
