Welcome to WWI's ongoing coverage of Raw, live from the DCU Center in Worcester, Massachusetts.
The Guest Hosts this week were the Prince of Darkness and Mrs. Prince of Darkness--Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne.
As the show came on the air, Ozzy was seated in a throne inside the ring and Sharrrrron was standing nearby. Ozzy worked the crowd and they didn’t disappoint him. His last appearance was back in 2007, although he said he didn't remember it. Raw sometimes has that effect on people.
Before Sharon could get started, The Miz came out and complained that he was a bigger star than all of the Osbournes. (If Sharon says "really" one more time I'll scream.)
Anyway, Miz insisted that his loss last week be stricken from the record, but Ozzy insisted that Miz identify himself first.
Before The Miz could get too far with that, Teddy DiBiase and Cody Rhodes came out with a complaint to lay in Ozzy's lap. They were upset that the special Legend Killer NASCAR they had presented to Randy Orton last week had been vandalized by Kofi Kingston. Of course, they wanted a rematch with Kofi tonight.
But first . . . Big Show came out, and I'm sure he wants something, too. Show urged the guest hosts not to listen to those other whiners, and he whiningly demanded an apology from the entire Raw Roster.
Out next was DX, and Triple H was nice enough to plug Ozzy's book which comes out in January. Coincidentally, DX also has a book out. Triple H whispered to Ozzy which matches he wanted the Guest Host to make. The first match would be Evan Bourne vs. The Miz. Then Sharon declared that tonight it would be Kofi vs. Randy Orton. Triple H said he also had something for "Benedict Fat Guy," and suggested a Triple Threat Match: John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show. Big Show complained that was not what he wanted, but Sharon stated that if he wasn't "down with that, she had two words for him." And the audience provided the two words.
(Commercial break)
(1) U.S. Championship: The Miz vs. Evan Bourne.
The Miz started things off in control, but Evan was soon in high gear. Miz picked him up and hung him over the top rope, then locked him into a submission hold. Near fall by Bourne. Bourne came off the top rope with a Shooting Star, but no one was home. One thing led to another and Miz pinned Bourne. The Miz retained the U.S. Championship.
(Commercial break)
Josh Matthews introduced the Celtic Warrior, Seamus, who is VERY tall. Seamus had a bone to pick with Jamie Noble. Be afraid, Jamie, be very afraid.
(2) Seamus vs. Jamie Noble.
You can probably figure out the way this one went. It was all Seamus, all the time, with Jamie getting his ass handed to him. The referee stopped the match, although that mattered not to Seamus, who had his own agenda. In the end, Jamie was stretchered out. There will be updates on his condition, we were told.
(Commercial break)
In case you forgot, a recap of Kofi personally wrecking Randy's gift from Legacy was shown.
Josh Matthews asked Kofi Kingston if he had any regrets about destroying Orton's NASCAR last week. Kofi said he'd destroyed everything on the car but the mirror, so that Randy could take a long, hard look at himself.
(Commercial break)
(3) Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston.
Given Orton's participation in this match, it wasn't long before Legacy interfered. So Sharon and Ozzy appeared on the TitanTron and advised them it would now be a six-man tag match. (Apparently they really can make a match without someone whispering in their collective ears.)
(Commercial break)
Added to the match were MVP and Mark Henry. To say Kofi was on fire would be an understatement. He was taking on all comers. Then Mark Henry tagged in and he was essentially his own tag team.
Uh oh . . . Randy and his crew began to take MVP apart. The tide began to turn, however, when MVP made a hot tag to Henry, who caught Cody in midair and pinned him for the win.
Kofi, MVP and Mark Henry took the win for Team Good Guy.
(Commercial break)
It was time for Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne with "Raw's Got Talent." I can't help but think we're going to need earplugs for this segment. Ozzy and Sharon as judges were joined by the Great Khali as the special judge. He was wearing a dark blue suit with WHITE SOCKS. Yikes, he needs a visit from the "What Not to Wear" folks.
Santino came out dressed as Ozzy and for his talent, he bit the head off a bat(man doll). He got the buzzer.
Chris Masters came out to do with performance art piece to Crazy Train. He jiggled his man boobs, which looked a bit peculiar, although the judges seemed to like it. Alas, Chris got the buzzer, too.
The last two contestants were Chavo and Jillian singing a duet. Mercifully, they also got the buzzer. Jillian got into a cat fight with Sharon, and Sharon slapped her silly to the delight of the crowd. Then Chavo got in Sharon's face, and the Great Khali clubbed him over the head with his giant hand. Suddenly JackSwoggle appeared (a mini Jack Osbourne) and splashed Chavo. I guess JackSwoggle won the talent show -- not that anyone had any.
(Commercial break)
Fighter Ricky Hatton will host Raw next week in his homeland of England.
(3) Diva Battle Royal: Kelly Kelly, Bella Twin #1 and Bella Twin #2, Gail Kim, Eve and Alicia Fox.
Melina was watching on a monitor backstage. Meanwhile, Jack Swagger came down to the ring to annoy Eve.
In the end, Alicia Fox was the last diva standing and the Number One Contender to face Melina for the title at the next pay per view.
Jamie Noble Update: Jamie was presumably taken to an unspecified medical center with unspecified back and neck injuries.
(Commercial break)
Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole discussed the dire situation that exists between Dave Batista and Rey Mysterio of Smackdown. Batista had promised to rip the head off his former BFF.
Ozzy and Sharon looked to be cuddling in their office when Chris Jericho, a former Ozzy fan, burst in and said he was now better than they were. Ozzy wanted to know who that crazy man was.
DX hung Hornswoggle on a hook and warned him against dressing as DX anymore and infringing on their gimmick. John Cena came to the rescue. The three of them engaged in some witty banter before Cena ended by using one of their patented tag lines.
(Commercial break)
(4) John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show.
DX joined The King and Michael Cole at the announce position, where they ran their mouths endlessly. Blah, blah, blah.
There was a match going on in the ring, but it seemed to be of little consequence to the people doing the announcing.
Anyway, Jericho nearly had Cena pinned, but Big Show pulled him off and went for the pin himself. Cena picked up Show, but dropped him. Show went to the middle rope and came off to find no one home. Jericho pinned Cena after Big Show interfered. They shook hands (friends again?), then tried to put Cena into the Walls of Jericho. DX interfered and JeriShow double teamed them.
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Sometimes Raw really, really tries my patience. It's a show that doesn't know what it wants to be. Whatever happened to that wrestling show that was must-see TV every Monday night?
Just asking.