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11/30 WWE RAW: Mallory's Ongoing Coverage of "Mini" Raw
By Mallory Mahling
Welcome to WWI's ongoing coverage of Raw, live from the First Mariner Arena in Baltimore, Maryland. Tonight's guest host will be diminutive actor Verne Troyer (aka "Mini Me"). If you watched him on "Surreal Life," chances are you'll be waiting for him to pee on something. Michael Cole and Jerry "The King" Lawler welcomed viewers to the show, and announced that Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton would be facing off tonight. Out first were Chris Jericho and Big Show to clear up some misconceptions. According to JeriShow, despite what some fans may think, DX is not the greatest tag team of all time, and they will prove their superiority in two weeks at the upcoming Tables, Ladders and Chairs PPV. Blah, blah, blah. DX had finally heard enough and interrupted Big Show and Jericho to save the audience from terminal boredom. (Looking at Big Show, he would be the perfect foil for Mini Me since they look a bit alike. Except for that size thing, of course.) After some convoluted match making, Jericho agreed to go one-on-one with Triple H tonight. (Commercial break) Last week on Smackdown, Maryse dressed up as Goobledy Gooker and clocked Melina with the bulky costume. The TV picture went black and when it came back on, Josh was interviewing Maryse and Jillian. (That segment was better when the picture was blank.) (1) Melina & Gail Kim vs. Jillian & Maryse. Good action from Melina who artfully kicked Maryse into next week. Unfortunately, Maryse pinned Melina for the win. Shamus is apparently on the fast track to fame with a number one contender shot at TLC. (Commercial break) Uh oh. I think Santino is about to get his behind handed to him for mocking Shamus and his extremely white skin. (2) Shamus vs. Santino. Told ya. Santino became Just Another Victim of Shamus. And just to throw in a reference to the TLC PPV, Shamus splintered Santino through a table. Jeri and Show were walking backstage and Show ran into Verne Troyer, who came up to the knee of the Guest Host. Literally. The Mini Me completely ignored Jericho. (Commercial break) Finally, the Guest Host was introduced, already seated on a stool in the ring. Verne noted that his friend Seth Green had had a good time hosting Raw, and he wanted to try it for himself. Then Verne talked about how inconsiderate he thought The Miz was. The Miz thought calling Troyer Mini Miz would be a good idea. Mark Henry came out to make the save and Troyer made a match between The Miz and Mark Henry. What a surprise. This was a really, really lame segment, not because of The Miz, but because Troyer was completely out of his element. Listening to him deliver live lines was painful to watch, not to mention awkward. (Commercial break) (3) Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton. Kofi came down to the ring, only to be ambushed by Cody Rhodes. When questioned by the referee, Kofi assured him he was able to continue with the match. No sooner had Kofi given his answer to the ref, than Ted DiBiase ambushed Kofi with a chop block. Once again, Kofi assured the ref that he wanted to go ahead with the match. Finally, out came Orton. Why didn't the referee disqualify Orton for the blatant interference by his goons? Silly me for asking a logical question. Of course, Orton pummeled Kofi from pillar to post. Kofi got in a brief burst of defense, but the Viper struck and pinned Kingston for the win. Totally predictable, just like every other match so far this evening. (Commercial break) Mini Me was watching videos with MVP and Mark Henry when Jillian joined them to sing a song. Henry tackled her, but not before she sang way too much of the song. Troyer seemed to think she was squashed dead. The laughs just keep 'a coming. John Cena arrived backstage in a snazzy sports car. (Commercial break) Cena parked the car and headed to the ring to a good pop from the crowd. He had a bone to pick Shamus for prematurely calling himself the champion. Cena said the two would battle it out for the championship tonight. Tonight? For free? Out came Carlito, who has lost his accent. Guess he lost it the same place Kofi lost his accent. Anyway Carlito said that he was tired of Cena and wanted to be in the spotlight himself. Shamus was going to put an end to Cena's reign at TLC. Cena was in a foul mood anyway, so it didn't take much for him to give Carlito an Attitude Adjustment. He also offered Shamus an opportunity to "come get some." Only intense staring ensued, however. (Commercial break) Verne Troyer was out on stage again. He attempted to pop the crowd, but you could have heard a pin drop. Even MVP couldn't get the crowd to make some noise. This segment went from bad to worse. Don't they rehearse these things? (Commercial break) (4) The Miz vs. Mark Henry. The Miz started out with fists flying. Henry countered with some graceless pounding and made the winning pin. There's another surprise outcome. At Mini Me's request, the Bellas and assorted divas came out to celebrate Mark Henry's victory. (Commercial break) Next week's guest host will be Mark Cuban. It seems DX had shared a dream about Hornswoggle, who claimed to have something on them. They blew him off and Troyer suggested that Hornswoggle sue them. If Jericho loses the upcoming match, he faces DX in a handicap match next week. Conversely, if Triple H loses, then he faces JeriShow in a handicap match next week. (5) Chris Jericho vs. Triple H. Shawn Michaels joined Cole and Lawler at the announce position. Big Show came down to ringside to keep an eye on his tag team partner. The distraction gave Jericho the upper hand. (Commercial break) Back from the break, and Jericho was still in control. Show had joined the gang at the announce table. Triple H and Jericho took turns attempting covers. Good match--dare I say the first good match of a very long evening???? Triple H wandered too close to the ring apron and Big Show unloaded a right hand on him. HBK entered the ring and attempted to interfere with some Sweet Chin Music, as well, but the ref ejected him from ringside. Triple H made a surprise pin and Jericho didn't know what hit him. Next week what will hit him is a handicap match and maybe his last night on Raw. * * * I've got four words for ya: WORST GUEST HOST EVER!!! This show was the perfect example of why guest hosts are a bad idea.
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on... Lance
Cade D-Ray
3000 Bobby
Eaton Manny
Fernandez Greg Gagne Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Harley
Race Dave Taylor
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