Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) and welcome to, well, the zaniest Monday Night Raw recap you're probably ever going to read. You've been warned. Just as a reminder -- Mallory will have her Raw recap tomorrow, and there will be no Raw Insanity this week. But if you kids are really good -- I may just post nude pictures of myself later on.

Oh -- one last disclaimer before we get this party started: Because I live in Canada and Canada sucks ass, there is a 15 minute delay here from the live show, so I may be slightly behind on the recappage. But what I'm about to write will be so damn entertaining, you won't even notice the lapse.

They recap Chris Jericho's challenge to Randy Orton last week with the type of Sesame Street-style background music they normally reserve for DX-Vince McMahon recaps. Also, we're shown Ric Flair's victory over Orton last week.

We are LIVE from North Charleston, South Carolina (or South Charleston, North Carolina - whatevs). SAVE_US.Y2J is on his way to the ring, and he's somehow the number one contender now. How'd that happen? Was beating Santino Marella that much of an accomplishment? 

Oddly enough, Jericho addresses this and tells everyone even though He Want Title Match, he had to get under Orton's skin to get there. After Raw went off the air last week, Orton agreed to give Jericho a match at Armageddon (he tells us this while plugging WWE Mobile). Jericho tells us to text our friends and tell them that there will be a new champion after Armageddon. I'll be back in one second...

Oh, wait, he was just kidding. Randy K. Orton makes his way to the ring and.. HEY! nothing you can SAY! is gonna change what you done to MAYYY! Orton says Jericho isn't worthy of wrestling him. Interesting way of selling a PPV....

But wait.... while he was away on his hiatus, Jericho said he was watching Raw (ah, so he was the one) and he's watched Randy Orton turn into a wrestling machine. But KYJ is up to the challenge, and the two have a faceoff mid-ring, ready to rumble (not to be confused with the movie "Ready To Rumble").

William Regal is on his way to the ring before it comes to fisticuffs between the two. He allows Orton and Jericho to pick their opponents tonight. RKO tells Jericho he has to fight Umaga, while Y2J tells Orton he has to fight Shawn Michaels.

Tonight - Jeff Hardy vs. Snitsky (so glad JG picked this week to give me the recap gig). Also, lots and lots of divas - NEXT!!!

*Commercial Break*

Maria and Mickie James vs. Melina and The Glamazon Beth Phoenix

Mickie is fighting Phoenix at Armageddon. wH00t~! Maria and Melina start things off, but Melina tags out quickly to Chyna II. Maria is ascared of Beth and tags out to Mickie, who's only too happy to kick some glamazonian ass.

It doesn't last long, as Phoenix counters with a powerslam and quickly finishes off Mickie with a suplex. Not much to this match at all. Winners: Melina and Beth Phoenix.

Backstage, Todd Grisham interviews Shawn Michaels. This is a non-title match, but HBK can still use his SCM (Sweet Chin Music) on RKO. But Mr. Kennedy is hiding inside of a plasma television and disses The Showstopper. Double K thinks Michaels shouldn't be worrying his pretty little head about The Legend Killer, and that Mr. Kennedy might just break his heart.

(Wait, Kennedy's dating Michaels? This is an unexpected development....)

*Commercial break*

Mr. Kennedy comes to the ring, and gets on the stick, because he hasn't talked enough yet. Kennedy has invited three of HBK's closest friends and rivals to the ring to talk Heartbreak Kid.

Friend/rival number one is someone dressed up in a Marty Jannetty Hallowe'en costume, but it's not actually him because he doesn't look 58.

Next up is Razor Ramon (THAT'S why he no-showed Turning Point), and it's also not The Bad Guy. Kennedy actually does take a dig at the real Scott Hall by saying "thanks for coming, by the way". NICE!

Then we have Big Daddy Cool Diesel. Weird how he has dark hair again. Oops, that's not the real Kevin Nash, either. Looks like A-Train in a wig.

Finally, we have fake Shawn Michaels who does a decent job of prancing like the real HBK. The DX-Nation Of Domination parody this ain't so far...

Kennedy asks Diesel (Diesel 3?) to describe Michaels in one word, he says he's "egotistical". Fake Jannetty calls him a "traitor". Kennedy doesn't even ask Fake Razor for his opinion before turning to Fake Michaels himself and calling him a "loser".

Shawn Michaels -- the real Shawn Michaels -- shows up to straighten shit out. He superkicks his fake Clique and Rockers teammates, before trying to nail Kennedy with a superkick and missing. Michaels is face to face with his clone, but HBFake decides it might be a better idea to just bail...

*Commercial breal*

Anyone want a Pop-Tart while I'm up?

A commercial for Raw's 15th anniversary spectacular is shown, and Mr. McMahon and Coach are plotting backstage. Headlining Raw will be none other than Hulk Hogan, Trish Stratus, Eric Bischoff, Mick Foley and Stone Cold Steve Austin (they never said who they're wrestling... stay tuned!).

Then Hornswoggle McMahon has a face-to-chest with his old man, and Vinnie Mac announces that there will be a LIVE McMahon Family Portrait as part of the festivities. In addition, tonight, Horny Mac will face both Carlito and Coach. After Poppa McMahon leaves, Hornswoggle pulls a cellphone and starts thinking about calling someone.

A recap is shown of the Jeff Hardy-HHH tag team/Armageddon match setup. Backstage, Triple Haitch asks William Regal what the dealie is with this. Simple - the winner gets a title match at the Royal Rumble. Regal encourages to somehow hate Jeff Hardy and let the dark side take over his true feelings for Obi-Wan. Or something.

The Game says he doesn't hate Jeff Hardy, but if we're talking about a title shot, he'd pedigree his own mother! He'd pedigree his own grandmother! Hell, he'd even pedigree his own FATHER-IN-LAW! Ahahahahahaha -- do you see the inside dig they took there? I bet Meltzer is on the floor unconcious after this huge breach of kayfabe.

I'm going to get me some Pop-Tart....

*Commercial Break*

Chris Jericho vs. Umaga

*Commercial Break* (wtf?)

We're back, joined in progress, as Y2J is kicking some Samoan Bulldozer hiney outside of the ring, before tossing Umaga back in. Umaga overpowers Jericho, and literally throws him out of the ring, with Jericho hitting his head on the barrier on the way out.

Jericho makes his way back in and is hit with a 350-pound splash, which is good for a two count. Umaga traps Jericho in a vulcan nervehold for about 75 minutes. Okay, it was only about 25 minutes, happy? Umaga works over Y2J some more before missing the avalanche, and Jericho capitalizes. Both men are down... but not out.

Jericho goes for a springboard lionsault for a two, and then hits the codebreaker. Alas, it's not meant to be, as Randy Orton runs in and RKO's Y2J. Winner by disqualification (probably): Chris Jericho.

Hornswoggle-Carlito/Coach is NEXT!

*Commercial Break*

Next week, Mr. McMahon will take time out of his busy schedule to pose with his real and storyline family. Also, he'll name the greatest superstar in Raw history. Not to spoil anything, but I'm guessing it won't be Chris Benoit.

Hornswoggle vs. Carlito and Jonathan Coachman

Coach looks like he's put on some weight. Team Coachlito are confident they can handle little Swoggle. But Mr. McMahon (H. McMahon) has hired himself some protection. I would SO mark out if it was the APA.

IT IS!!!!! I swear I didn't see this before I wrote that. Ron Simmons and JBL are there! Because this is no-DQ, the APA are allowed in the ring. While it's awesome seeing them in classic APA gear, it's still a little odd to see them today - kind of like a team in slow motion. Anyways, as you guessed, Hornswoggle wins, thanks to Bradshaw and former Faarooq. Winner: Hornswoggle

Post-match, JBL cuts a promo to plug all of his current projects (and even throws out an A-Team reference), cutting Simmons off before he can speak. Finally, Big Ron pulls away the mic and says... wait for it....... DAMN! They couldn't have saved that for the 15th anniversary show next week?

Backstage, Todd Grisham is interviewing Snitsky. Good for him.

*Commercial Break*

Jeff Hardy vs. Snitsky

The I-C title is on the line here tonight. Gee, I sure hope Triple H doesn't interject in this match somehow.... Snitsky starts off by working over The Rainbow Haired Warrior with a bunch of kicks.

Snitsky traps Hardy in some variety of a resthold, and follows up with a sidewalk slam for a two count. He nails a suplex but misses on the Hoganesque legdrop, which Hardy uses to turn things around. Hardy hits "Whisper In The Wind" and soon uses a swanton bomb. Easy three count from there. Winner: Jeff Hardy.

Post-match, Mr. Foot Fetish sidelines Hardy with a big boot and grabs a chair from ringside. Before he can use it, though, Triple H is out, sledgehammer in hand. His Holiness H H of H scares Gene-o away, but then HHH starts measuring Hardy for a sledgehammer dent in the forehead. Instead, though, HHH picks his former tag team partner up from the group, and the two have an uncomfortable staredown.

If you enjoy lots of commercial, brother, are you ever in luck...

*Commercial Break*

After the SmackDown rebound, they run down the Armageddon show. Basically, there are quite a few matches scheduled.

Backstage, Jillian Hall is either flirting with or singing to Mr. McMahon. William Regal hates to interrupt but Stephanie McMahon is on her way to Raw. McMahon insists Regal brings her into the McOffice the minute she gets there.

*Commercial Break*  I hate people who blatantly plug stuff...

Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton

HBK starts off with some chops and punches, but Orton avoids the first superkick attempt. Michaels traps Orton in a headlock.

Orton gains control, but not for long, as Michaels counters with an anklelock. Orton rolls out to ringside and we have yet another...

*Commercial Break*

You know what just hit me? What the hell happened to Ric Flair?

We're back, and at ringside, HBK accidentally superkicks the timekeeper instead of Orton.  Nice shot there - looked very authentic. Orton takes control in the ring with his "feet on the second rope" DDT thing, which gets a two-count.

Orton takes advantage of Michaels' grogginess by applying a -- wait for it -- chinlock, which works until HBK chops his way out of trouble. Michaels begins a comeback with his "kip up"/atomic drop/elbowsmash sequence, throwing in a backslide just to mix things up.

Finally, Michaels begins tuning up the band, but dives out of the ring instead. Is he insane??? Randy Orton's in the ring, not out of it. Oh, wait, but Mr. Kennedy IS at ringside, and The Sexy Boy was just being proactive. The bell rings, counting HBK out, as Kennedy and Michaels brawl into the stands. Winner (by countout): Randy Orton.

Orton goes all ring announcer-y on us and lets us know who won the match, but then Jericho attacks the champ and tries to lock him up in the Walls of Jericho. Orton escapes, though, in shock that Jericho almost had his number.

Backstage, Mr. McMahon is making out with his daughter Stephanie.

Okay, fine, he's not. He's just talking to her. Steph is concerned for the Chairman because everyone wants to beat up the boss. She begs him not to show up next week. Vince says "Yeah, that's great, but screw you. I'm still showing up." Actually, he tells his daughter to go "STRAIGHT TO HELLLLLLL" which is really touching.

Anyways, that's the show and I am outta here! Thanks for reading, kids. Remember to check out Mallory's recap tomorrow....