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12/7 WWE RAW: Mallory's Recap of the Battle of the Billionaires

By Mallory Mahling
Dec 7, 2009 - 11:49 PM


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Welcome to WWI's ongoing coverage of Raw, live from the American Airlines Arena in Dallas, Texas. This week's guest host will be Mark Cuban, the flamboyant billionaire owner of the NBA Dallas Mavericks. He ought to feel right at home, since the owner of WWE is often described as a flamboyant billionaire, too.

* * *

No In Memoriam to Eddie Fatu (Umaga)? Surely that was the least WWE could have done.

* * *

Michael Cole and Jerry "The King" Lawler welcomed viewers to the show.

Justin Roberts introduced tonight's Guest Host, Mark Cuban, who received a much warmer welcome than last week's ill-suited guest host. Cuban said he was large and in charge all night long and had already made a match between Sheamus and John Cena.

So without further ado, John Cena came out for the first match. Cuban took a seat with some of his players and the Bellas to enjoy the match.

(1) John Cena vs. Carlito.

The beginning of the match saw Carlito with the upper hand. Didn't last long, though, but Cena was distracted by Sheamus coming out on stage. Nonetheless, Cena managed to pin Carlito anyway.

After Cena's win, Sheamus started down the ramp but was blocked by Cuban and several security guards.

(Commercial break)

At least Cuban is a hands-on Guest Host.

Next Monday night will be a special three-hour presentation of the 2009 Slammy Awards.

Randy Orton and his thugs came out. Apparently Randy had a bone to pick, as usual. He applauded Mark Cuban, but was confident that Cuban's showdown would end in complete and utter chaos. Then Orton demanded that Cuban lift Orton's ban and allow him to vie for the championship. DiBiase, the movie star, added his two cents and reminded Cuban that in 2003, Orton had given Cuban an RKO.

Mark Cuban said there was no way that Orton would be allowed to fight the winner of TLC. That said, he had a match set up for Orton tonight against Kofi Kingston. Cuban, himself, would be the referee. Deal with it! he cautioned Orton. 

Cody accused Cuban of being all talk, then made a crack about the Mavericks. Cody challenged Cuban to get in the ring with him. If Cody wins, Orton's ban would be lifted.

Cuban preferred to take that up in June for some convoluted basketball reason.

As a result of a miscue, the participants for the next match came out before they were announced.

(Commercial break)

(2) Legacy vs. Evan Bourne & Primo.

The match had started during the break and the action was already fast and furious. Legacy made the winning pin; however, Cuban called out security and had them ejected from the building. HA HA!

Highlights were shown of Sheamus' Celtic Warpath.

(Commercial break)

Kelly Kelly, the ring announcer, introduced Maryse and Gail Kim.

(3) Maryse vs. Gail Kim.

This match was a slap fest, won by Maryse with her feet on the ropes for leverage. On her way out, Maurice (who was overacting) added bitch fest to the match description by chiding Kelly Kelly for not calling Maurice the next Women's Champ.

(Commercial break)

Those rascally DX members came out to peddle more merch. They also discussed the joys of regifting and Triple H presented HBK with a gift-wrapped Hornswoggle. Then they argued about the quality of the script. All that insider stuff is such a hoot.

(Commercial break)

Special guest referee, Mark Cuban, was introduced.

(4) Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston.

Thanks to Mark Cuban kicking Legacy out of the building, this match got underway without Orton's usual funny business. Kofi wasn't giving Orton an easy time of it. Kofi's Trouble in Paradise seemed to be botched, but Kofi won it with a backslide and an extremely fast three count. Uh oh. Randy's mad now.

Cuban got on the mic and said he had waited six years to get even with Orton for the RKO. Now on Sunday at TLC, Kofi and Orton will get their rubber match.

(Commercial break)

(5) United States Championship Match: The Miz vs. Mark Henry.

Henry gave The Miz a hard way to go. But The Miz persevered and made the winning pin, thus retaining his title.

Chris Jericho and Big Show were discussing something backstage.

(Commercial break)

Chris Masters, in street clothes, was shown talking with Mark Cuban at ringside.

(6) Tag Team Match: Hornswoggle & Eve vs. Chavo & Jillian.

Eve pinned Jillian. Then Chavo got mouthy with Eve and before you know it, Chris Masters was suddenly in the ring, making his manboobs dance and flirting with Eve. Chavo was left laying in the ring.

(Commercial break)

(7) Two-on-One Handicap Match: Chris Jericho vs. DX.

Jericho contended that he was bigger than Raw or Smackdown and was the best in the world at what he does. And so forth and so on.

(Commercial break)

Are you ready?

DX got an extended introduction, putting over their years of ring experience. DX was double-teaming Jericho until Big Show made his way to the ring and used a chair on DX. Show also used a ladder on Triple H. With the artful use of the Ladders and Chairs one would think this was a preview of the Sunday night PPV. The only thing left to use is a table; guess we'll have to wait til Sunday night to see that.

(Commercial break)

On Saturday, December 19, WWE will present its annual Tribute to the Troops show. Mark your calendars -- you won't want to miss it!

Mark Cuban was standing at a podium in the ring for the show down. Introduced first was Sheamus. Out next, with much more fanfare than his pasty PPV opponent, was John Cena.

They each took seats. Cuban said he would ask each of them three questions and they could say anything they wanted in response.

Why does Sheamus think he'll win on Sunday? He blathered on and on (sometimes forgetting to use his Irish brogue).

Cena had no comment.

Same scenario for the second question. Sheamus talked endlessly about nothing and Cena had no comment.

For question 3, Cena had a comment for Sheamus. Cena emphatically stated that he had earned the right to say "The Champ is here."

Sheamus pulled a "Housewives of New Jersey" move and flipped over the table. Then he flipped over Cuban and Cena. Cuban fought to get to his feet, then pushed Sheamus right on his butt. Sheamus returned the favor.

Sheamus then put Cuban through a table. Bad manners. And a bad move, since the Dallas Mavericks in the audience came over the guardrail to get him away from their boss.

As the show went off, Cena had pulled off his shirt and was headed for Sheamus.

 

 


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Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...

A

Sivi Afi
Aaron Aguliera
Skandar Akbar
Brent Albright
Ole Anderson
Road Warrior Animal
Tony "T.L. Hopper" Anthony

B

Buff Bagwell
Doug Basham
Paul Bearer
Giant Bernard
Big Daddy V
Eric Bischoff
Steve Blackman
Brian Blair
Tully Blanchard
Nick Bockwinkel
"The Boogeyman" Marty Wright
Bad News Brown
D-Lo Brown
"Jumping" Jim Brunzell
Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci
Bull Buchanan

C

Lance Cade
Christian
John Cena Sr.
Chaz "Headbanger Mosh"
Bryan "Adam Bomb" Clark
Rob Conway
Jim Cornette

Justin Credible

D

D-Ray 3000
Scott D'Amore
Christopher Daniels
Shawn Daivari
Dangerous Danny Davis
Dawn Marie
Damian Demento
Colin Delaney
Brother Devon
Demolition Ax
Demolition Smash
Bill DeMott
Ted DiBiase
J.J. Dillon
Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore
Disco Inferno
Spike Dudley

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Kenny Dykstra

E

Bobby Eaton
Paul Ellering

Armando Estrada

F

Manny Fernandez
Francine
Mr. Fuji
Dory Funk Jr.
Terry Funk

G

Greg Gagne
Ronnie Garvin
Jackie Gayda
Robert Gibson
Glacier
Sylvain Grenier
Tod Gordon
Zach Gowen
Juventud Guerrera

H

Chalie Haas
Chris Harris
Bruce Hart
Jimmy Hart
Diva Search's Jessica Hatch
Dave Hebner
Earl Hebner
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Jon Heidenreich
Christy Hemme
Hillbilly Jim
Molly Holly
The Honky Tonk Man
Tim Horner
Scotty 2 Hotty
Sam Houston

Mr. Hughes


I

The Iron Sheik
Ivory

J

B.G. James
Jazz
Ahmed Johnson
Judge Jeff Jones
Orlando Jordan

K


Kamala
Kid Kash
Kevin Kelly
Pat "Simon Diamond" Kenney
Ron Killings
Cpl. Kirschner
Kizarny
Kevin Kleinrock
Brian Knobbs
Ivan Koloff

Nikita Koloff


L

Bobby Lashley
Bruno "Harvey Wippleman" Lauer
Jerry "The King" Lawler
"The Total Package" Lex Luger
Buschwhacker Luke

M

Rodney Mack
Magnum T.A.
Balls Mahoney
Dutch Mantell
Rick Martel
Clarence Mason
"Masterpiece" Chris Masters
Robbie McAllister
Rory McAllister
Matt Morgan
Ernest Miller
Missing Link
Father James Mitchell
Mo From Men on a Mission
Sean Mooney
Ricky Morton

Trevor Murdoch

N

Kevin Nash
Nidia

Nunzio

O

One Man Gang
Sonny Onoo
Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
Oscar From Men on a Mission
Fred "Typhoon/Tugboat/Shockmaster" Ottman
Pierre-Carl Ouellet

Outback Jack

P

Diamond Dallas Page
Ken Patera
Nick Patrick
Thunderbolt Patterson
Jim Powers
Tom Prichard
Ivan Putski

R

Harley Race
Baron Von Raschke
"The Yeti" Ron Reis
Rhino
Dustin Rhodes
Tommy Rich
Rikishi
Paul Roma
"Super Hero in Training" Rosie
Jacques Rougeau
Terri Runnels

Lance Russell


S

Samoa Joe
Bruno Sammartino
Samu
Tito Santana
Dan "The Beast" Severn
Ron Simmons
Elix Skipper
Slick
Tracey Smothers
Al Snow
Sim "Deuce" Snuka
Dennis Stamp
George "The Animal" Steele
Rick Steiner
Scott Steiner
Idol Stevens
The Stro
AJ Styles
Dave "Evad" Sullivan
Kevin Sullivan

T

Dave Taylor
Sylvester Terkay
ECW's Tiffany
Too Cold Scorpio

V

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
Jimmy Valiant
Johnny Valiant
Jesse "The Body" Ventura
Sid Vicious
Vito
Nikolai Volkoff


W

 

Y
David Young
Mae Young


Z

Larry Zybszko

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