Former CAUB guest co-host, Boner.

Some quick plugs: If you want to get more bang for your recapping buck, be sure to follow me RIGHT NOW on Twitter . And hell.... isn't it time you joined the Canadian Bulldog Facebook page ? My goal is to break 100 "fans" this evening. Don't YOU want to be part of history? Tomorrow, right here, on this very website, there will be a MAMMOTH edition of Bulldog's Bookshelf.

And.... I have just been handed a "Breaking News" bulletin that Club WWI figurehead promoter James Guttman has landed a HUGE interview with a WWE Hall of Famer who we haven't heard from for a while. Stay tuned to Club WWI for more details.....

We begin with a recap of the Elimination Chamber WWE Title match. And yet NO mention of Boner? Real classy, WWE.

We are LIVE from beautiful Indianopolis . Singer Jewel and bull-riding champion Ty Murray are our guest hosts for some reason. Also, The Undertaker may show up to confront Shawn Michaels.

But wait.... World Champion Chris Jericho is here to kick off the show. This whole "being kicked off Raw" thing is doing wonders for Y2J.

Jericho says he's going to WrestleMania! He defeated five other SmackDown superstars in the Elimination Chamber last night. And now he's the World Heavyweight Champion and no one could possibly interrupt hi....

HERE COMES EDGE! The Rated R Superstar ambushes Jericho before telling him that Jericho's going to WrestleMania, alright, but it will be against.... D-Lo Brown! Just kidding, it will Jericho vs. Edge at Mania.

Next out is former WWE Champion John Cena, who no doubt will have a freestyle rap or two in dedication to Boner. Cena says he's just like Bret Hart, because Vince McMahon screwed him, too. If I were John, I'd tell his brothers to stay away from any scaffolding.

Anyhoo.... Cena demands his customary rematch against Batista RIGHT NOW, but instead gets Vince McMahon. Vinnie Mac and Big Dave worked out a deal. Batista got rid of Bret Hart; Vince gives him a title shot whenever he wants. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Criss cross.

But wait! Batista won't be defending the Spinner Belt until WrestleMania. And besides, Cena isn't the only ex-champion demanding a rematch. Sheamus also has the rematch clause thing going  on, too. If Cena can win his match tonight, he's got a title match at WrestleMania. Lose, and Sheamus gets it.

Cena accepts, and tonight he will fight.... Batista.

Time to give a quick shout-out to WWI reader Rowdy Rodimus. You want a shout-out, too? Check my Twitter page for details....

Match # 1: Maryse vs. Gail Kim

Between this match and Edge-Jericho, is there any doubt that Canada rocks? Well, maybe not in hockey. This is, of course, for the vacant Divas Title.

Nice back-and-forth action to start things off (that's what she said?), and it looks as though the weeks of backstory here are paying off a bit.

Gail almost gets Maryse down with a small package, but misses a victory roll. Maryse transitions into the French Kiss, and that's all she wrote. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Maryse has the most character of any female wrestler since Trish Stratus.

Winner and new Divas Champion: Maryse

Jillian Hall arrives and tells Jewel how a real woman is supposed to sing. Jewel slaps Jillian in the face. You go, girl!

Meanwhile, Cody Rhodes is trying to explain to Randy Orton that Ted DiBiase acted on his own. Apparently, they're all teaming tonight, and at RKO's request. He wants to get the band back together, so to speak. As opposed to getting The Band back together, because that would be ridiculous in the year 2010.

The second Randy is out of earshot, The Marine 2 arrives and asks Cody if they're still going ahead with "the plan". Ooooh, foreshadowing....

Tatsu is officially on Raw now, and Bourne is still a glorified jobber. Kofi doesn't belong with this sorry bunch. Speaking of sorry bunches.... here comes Legacy. Will this be for the very last time? I hope they at least keep DiBiase and Rhodes together. They're really starting to give off a Blanchard/Anderson vibe, and that's a good thing.

We're told that Triple H and Sheamus were both injured last night and aren't able to make it this evening. I bet they're really out looking for Boner...

Bourne gets in some token jobber offense before Rhodes takes charge. Time for a commercial break.

Kofi tags in and puts the boots to The Million Dollar Son. Orton interferes and tags in.  The Legend Killer starts slamming Kofi, shooting a glare at his kids. Meanwhile, Rhodes and DiBiase begin whispering, getting ready to unleash their Dwight Schrute-like diabolical plot.

But wait! Orton DDT's Rhodes, and he has an RKO with DiBiase's name on it, too. Both members of Legacy are left laying, as Orton heads for the showers. Back in the ring, Bourne gets the Air Bourne (Bulldog's note: WTF?) and the win.

Winners: Kofi Kingston, Yoshi Tatsu and Evan Bourne. This ought to shut Caldwell up for a bit.

Michaels said he did what he had to do, and he appreciates that it's not a popular decision. He fully expects Taker to show up tonight (well, obviously he does - didn't he watch the starting of the show?).

Undertaker makes his way out to the ring. For some reason, the entrance doesn't have any fire. I wonder why?

Taker says HBK has his full attention now. Michaels said their WM25 match was the greatest WrestleMania match ever (EVER!!!) and he wrestled a near-perfect match. He can't live without beating The Dead Man (who kind of looks like a Dead Woman tonight, if you catch my drift).

Michaels begs Taker to take the match at Mania and get his revenge. Taker accepts, on one condition: Michaels has to locate Boner before the match begins. I mean.... Michaels has to put his "soul" on the line. I remember watching when they did that on The Simpsons once, and Bart really regretted selling his soul to Milhouse.

What Undertaker means is, it has to be career versus streak at WrestleMania. Michaels accepts. And the two seal the deal with a kiss. Okay, fine - they didn't kiss, but how cool would that have been?

Match # 3: Christian vs. Carlito

This is a Money In The Bank qualifying match. I thought MITB had it own PPV now? So confused... Christian has signed with Raw, by the way.

Before the match began, Heath Slater and Michael Tarver (Christian and Carlito's rookies on NXT) conduct picture-in-picture interviews. If Boner had his own rookie to mentor, he may still be with us today. Just sayin'.

Captain Charisma takes the early advantage, but Carlito drops Christian on his face. Christian tries twice to get the Killswitch, and is successful on the third attempt.

Winner: Christian. Toronto represent!

Jewel and Ty Murray's Diva bull-riding competition is up next. See, this is where it would have helped to have "El Matador" Tito Santana on the roster. Or Mantaur. Or even Club WWI's own Bull Buchanan.

Eve Torres is up first. I'm not going to lie; I want to be that mechanical bull. Then Kelly Kelly does her thing. From there it's Brie and Nikki Bella. Why the hell are they allowed to ride together? I'm calling bullsh*t (get it?).

Next up are... The Big Show and The Miz? Um.... ewww?

Murray goads Big Show into riding the bull. Within seconds, Show jobs to the bull! Miz cries shenanigans because the bull was going too fast.

Show begins talking to smack to the bull in kind of a funny bit, and takes a swat at the stuffed animal. But wait a second... Jewel tells ShowMiz that their evening isn't quite over. They have to defend their belts.... next!

Some potential good news! Twitter follower Mobute reports that Boner may have been located!!!

Daniel Bryan is backstage, watching The Miz, allowing thousands of Internet wrestling fans to orgasm at once.

Henry is heavily tapes up as the result of his spill into the barricade last night. MVP begins by firing away at both Show and Miz. Fairly soon, ShowMiz gain an advantage, and they vanquish their competitors quickly enough (sorry, I was too busy looking for "Boner" news on Google)

Winners: The Big Show and The Miz

Coming up next... a "health" update on Bret Hart!

Answer: Yes. Yes he does. Thanks for writing!

I can think of approximately 750 people who would be better picks, ranging from King Kong Bundy to Jim Cornette to The British Bulldogs to Boner from Growing Pains. But hell, none of them were on the Rock 'n' Wrestling cartoon, I guess.

About the only good news that comes from this is that the insane Rowdy Roddy Piper will be inducting Ms. Richter.

From there, we're shown what happened to Bret Hart. In an interview, Vince McMahon denies he had anything to do with the Hitman hit and run last week, and invites Bret back next week to say a "proper goodbye". Because the last three opportunities worked out so well.

Cheech and Chong will be here next week as guest hosts, as will Bret Hart. Hopefully they can give Bret a little something for his pain.... if ya smell what The 'Dog is cookin'. First match signed for next week: Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase.

Match # 5: John Cena vs. Batista

Does anyone in their right mind think WWE is going with Batista versus fricking Sheamus for its WrestleMania main event? This is a special "foregone conclusion" match.

Batista takes his sweet time getting to the ring, and begins by ducking a lockup with Cena. From there, Big Dave knees Cena right in what WWE would call "the gut" and gets himself DQ'd. Huh? No one accused Batista of having lots of brains.

Winner: John Cena (by disqualification) Looks like we have our other WrestleMania main event now.

Post-match, Batista attacks Cena mercilessly and leaves him laying. Batista smiles and almost leaves the ringside area when he sees Cena attempting to stand up. That brings The Animal back to punish Cena further, including a spinebuster into the ringside post.

Cena is helped to his feet by a referee and.... is that BONER??? Nope, it's just a security guard. Batista isn't happy about this development and smashes Cena with a chair multiple times, adding insult to injury. Or... I suppose it would be injury to insult, in this case. Either way, The Champ Is Hurt as we fade to black.