Raw
RDLee's Monday Night Raw Results, Plus "The Wood Who Cried Troll"
By RDLee
Jul 26, 2010 - 11:05 PM

First of all I am sorry to all those out there who were looking for a real time report tonight but I ran a little late getting this special story added in but I think it's worth it since it teaches you an important life leasson. As per request (I think?) of James Guttman, I will be telling you the story of a little boy named Aaron Wood and a Troll named Pillowpants that lives in a cave nearby and has been causing trouble in his family's garden. Oh and I will also be giving the results of RAW in between each paragraph of the story. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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John Cena cut a promo about beating Nexus with the team he formed for their Summerslam bout. Chris Jericho hit the ring and complained about Cena naming the team his own. Cena told him he could have the team. Cena said that it wasn't about who's team it was but rather that they take down Nexus together. Jericho responded by running Cena down. The General Manager buzzed in to the boo's of the crowd. He said the match at Summerslam is now an elimination match. Tonight the Nexus will face 7 other RAW stars tonight in a preview. Also Cena will team with Jericho to face a team of his choosing. They teased the GM as either HBK or HHH at the end.

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CHAPTER 1 - There once was a little boy named Aaron Wood, he was a mischevious little fella that would go out to his family's garden each day and keep watch out for the creepy Troll known as Pillowpants, who lived in a cave nearby. Pillowpants terrorized the Wood family as much as he could by destroying their crops and stealing the plants so he could satisfy his craving for a fresh salad. 

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Randy Orton v.s. Jey Uso

Sheamus sat ringside and watched the match. Boy, I wonder who's gonna win this one??? Durrrrr..... Orton minus the wristbands now made easy work of Jey Uso who we found out is the son of Rikishi for the thousandth time. A nice RKO finished off one Uso as the other snuck in and attacked the Viper from behind. Orton dodged a Pump Kick by Sheamus which hit Jimmy Uso instead then Orton landed a lightning quick RKO on Sheamus. The Miz ran out to cash in his MITB briefcase again. But this time Orton nailed Miz with an RKO too before the match could begin.

Winner: Randy Orton

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Backstage we saw Edge run down the Great Khali about being on his team. He told Ted Dibiase that he would rather him be. Ranjin Singh was standing in the background and overheard Edge saying he would take Khali out if he had to.

During the commercial break we saw Michael Cole botch his only line and announce that Cena and Jericho would take on the team of Sheamus and The Miz.

Khali burst into Edge's locker room and began yelling at him about what he said and challenged him to a match right now. Edge said if he beats him he is off the RAW team.

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CHAPTER 2 - One day little Aaron was out in the field playing around on his iPhone 4 (that he bought on Facebook) and he suddenly became bored when the battery died. He decided it would be funny to play a joke to pass the time. So Aaron ran into his house yelling "Troll! Troll!" and his family immediately grabbed their weapons which included a steel chair and neck tie autographed by WWE announcer Justin Roberts and they ran out to the field only to find no trolls there. Aaron began laughing until he pissed himself.

His prank worked!

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The Great Khali v.s. Edge

People in the crowd that dance to Khali's music are nerds. Jerry Lawler left the ringside area because apparently the GM told Cole that he is on the RAW team v.s. Nexus in the 7 on 7 match tonight. The Nexus came out and Edge ran away, they got in the ring and surrounded Khali but strangely enough let him leave instead of attacking him.

No Contest

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CHAPTER 3 - Aaron's parents didn't think it was funny for him to lie to them like that and gave him a vicious spanking with a WWE Spinner belt (which he secretly enjoyed for some reason) and told him to never do that again or else they won't be able to believe him anymore if he did tell the truth. Aaron while in tears, shrugged it off and gave a half ass apology to his moma, pappa and oddly enough even to his pet Bulldog named Canada.

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The Nexus v.s. Mark Henry, Hart Dynasty, Jerry Lawler, Evan Bourne, Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu - 7 on 7 Elimination match

Michael Tarver eliminated Yoshi Tatsu with a spinning powerslam, Heath Slater pinned Jerry Lawler after stealing Dolph Ziggler's finisher and then somehow pinned DH Smith, David Otunga pinned Goldust after a Spinebuster, Skip Sheffield hit a Clothesline on Henry eliminating him, and Darren Young hit his twisting reverse full nelson slam to pin Tyson Kidd, and finally Wade Barrett beat Evan Bourne with his Fireman's Carry finisher. Clean sweep for the Nexus who continued their attack after the match on Evan Bourne by doing their normal routine. Total domination on display here.

Winners: The Nexus

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We had a backstage confrontation between The Miz and Sheamus. Miz told Sheamus how he might cash in tonight after their match if Cena hits him with the Attitude Adjustment and Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho. Sheamus knocked the briefcase out of his hand and warned him to stop messing with him before he regrets it.

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CHAPTER 4 - The next day Aaron was out patrolling the garden again and this time he forgot his iPhone 4 so he started to think about how funny his prank was the day before and decided to try it one more time and simply suffer the consequences since he thought the reactions he got were worth it. So he ran back to the house and started yelling "Mom... Dad.... Troll! Troll!" so his parents grabbed their weapons  and went out to the garden again to find no Troll in sight. This time they were pissed at Aaron and told him that they would no longer be able to trust him. They made him go into the woods by the cave to pick out a switch that they could swat his bare ass with it as punishment. Aaron smiled at the thought of that like a creepy little bastard.

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Brie Bella (w/Nikki Bella) v.s. Alicia Fox

Ugh. Why do they even have these matches weekly. Couldn't they do it bi-weekly or monthly? Jerry Lawler made it back to the announce table. He made it clear that he didn't know how to beat Nexus. Jillian came out and kept the Bella's from switching out. That was random. Alicia hit the Scissor's kick to win. Jillian got in the ring and sang "You Are The Champion" to her until Fox had enough and nailed her with a Scissor's Kick.

Winner: Alicia Fox

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CHAPTER 5 - While Aaron was looking at the bushes for a switch he noticed the Troll named Pillowpants running out of the cave towards him. He screamed "MOMMY! DADDY! TROLL! TROLL!" as it grabbed him. His parents heard his yell but this time ignored it because they thought that Aaron was trying to fool them again. Only this time the Troll was real and it ate young Aaron limb by limb as he screamed in agony. His parents never saw poor, little Aaron Wood again but they didn't mind too much since they still had their faithful Bulldog, Canada who was like the son Aaron never was to them.

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Ted Dibiase (w/Maryse) v.s. John Morrison

This probably should have been saved for a PPV given the recent storyline they have been building for these two. R-Truth was ringside for some reason to support Morrison. I think that we will end up seeing Dibiase and Maryse v.s. Morrison and a returning Melina soon. It makes sense doesn't it? Maryse hopped up on the apron to distact Morrison but Truth stopped her. Dibiase moved out of the way when Morrison charged and he accidently hit Truth. Dibiase rolled Morrison up for the win. Morrison and Truth teased a break up all of a sudden. Stupid.

Winner: Ted Dibiase

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CHAPTER 6 - The moral of tonight's story is that if you are like Aaron Wood and get bored easily you may want to download some new apps on you iPhone 4 to keep you busy so you don't resort to pranks that can ultimately end up getting you eaten alive by a Troll named Pillowpants. Oh, and don't lie either, because that could end up bad for you too. 

THE END!

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The Miz and Sheamus v.s. John Cena and Chris Jericho

Before I forget, be sure to bid on my WWE Deluxe Classic Superstars Series 1 collection on Ebay here:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=260641051246&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT  

Anyway, back to the match, Chris Jericho predictibly turned on John Cena by hitting him with the Codebreaker and allowing the Miz to pick up the win. Jericho came back in the ring after match and put Cena in the Walls of Jericho until Cena reversed it into a STFU. The Great Khali came out to stop them from fighting but Edge snuck in and speared him. John Morrison and R-Truth came out to stop the fighting. Khali nailed Morrison with a chop and they all continued to bicker until the show went off the air.

Winners: The Miz and Sheamus