Big Show - Landed 3 knockout punches on Brodus Clay
Jack Swagger - Talked about how amazing tonight would be before being pedigreed
John Cena - Comes into a huge tag match after beating Tensai and Big Show in a handi-cap match
AJ - Psychotic, hot, would probably date me.
Heath Slater - Slater Time is Master and Ruler of the World
___ on a pole match: Returned kinda spontaneously
Vickie Guerrero - Made one of the most intriguing MitB matches in history.
Tonight on Raw: Teddy Long is GM Cena and Punk vs. Jericho and Danielson AND MORE!!!!!
MONDAY NIGHT RAW:
Monday Night Raw begins with….my local car dealer Bob Rohrman taking over with one of his terrible commercials? Hmmmmm. That’s a unique opening for Raw alright. Big Show is now crushing Cena with a leg drop and Jericho is leaving the ring. Weird. Big Show chokes the life out of Cena, making two kids behind me cry, as Raw last week fades and Nickelback begins. I think I’m going to cry now.
Raw is three weeks from landing #1000. I might be three weeks away from going insane. Who knows?
Magic Mike’s stunt double is making his way to the ring to talk about his first Money in the Bank match in two weeks. John is happy to see some excited kids tonight. John Cena should be upset about about last week. Wait, no. Cena wants to thank Big Show and Jericho (Note: This is why you’re a bitch). Anything can happen in Money in the Bank. Somehow last week taught Cena exactly what Money in the Bank is all about. I don’t think he knows what that means.
Luke CenaWalker will be prepared. Two things will happen: Big Show will lose. John Cena will win.
Bryan Danielson didn’t notice Cena. Johnny isn’t even relevant to Bryan Danielson. Money in the Bank is his coronation as the new WWE Champion. If, big if, the Doctor can grab the briefcase Bryan will make sure Cena loses. Cena really disagrees with Danielson.
Punk on the other hand can think of how many people disagree with Daniel Bryan. Does Punk disagree with Danielson? Yes. Does Cena disagree with Danielson? Yes. Does Lawler disagree with the Dragon? Yes. Everybody? YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! STOP! Can someone be original around here?
AJ will be the special referee at Money in the Bank. She will count Danielson’s shoulders down to the mat. If Cena can win, well, looks like he’ll have to go through Punk one more time, right?
Jericho has original thoughts. Punk is a wannabe. Danielson isn’t the only one being stolen from. Stop using YES! Think of other catchphrases. Shut the hell up, Bryan. Welcome everyone to Raw is Jericho! After tonight no one will ever EVEEEEEEER be the same Ah-gain! Jericho will be the winner of MitB. Who says he won’t?
Holy christ this is going to get ridiculous. Kane is here, Big Show will come after that. What the hell. Guess what? Kane thinks he’ll win Money in the Bank. Big Show has some words too. Hopefully they’re just his fists. Before Show can get in the ring Danielson attacks Cena and this whole thing breaks down. The ending carnage leaves everyone down on the mat except Big Show. No words needed.
Raw goes to commercial. YES!
Charlie Sheen will be doing stuff for Raw on the 1,000 episode. Just, again, ugh. Ooooo, wrestling.
Prime time players, Cody Rhodes, and David Otunga w/ AW vs. Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Santino Marella, and Christian
Christian and Black Cena start this match off. The Peep’s Champ will get out quickly and bring in R-Truth. Dancey-Dancey-Dancey and screw it Kofi is in now. Darren Young is Team Kofi’s toy. Just as that is stated Darren Young takes down Kofi on the outside and both teams stand to yell at each other.
The Prime Time Players have control of Kofi just as Raw comes back from break. Either AW is mic’d up or that arena is dead silent with a massive echo. Otunga comes in along with Santino ad will probably become the victim. Action gets hectic as Kofi drops the Prime Time Players and they walk out of the ring. Otunga is left alone as Cody Rhodes walks away too.
Brodus Clay now makes his way down to the ring as Kofi, Christian, Santino, and R-Truth keep him at ringside. Brodus Clay throws Otunga in the ring giving Santino the win via Cobra.
Winners: Christian, Santino, R-Truth, and Kofi Kingston
Christian puts the lawyer out with an Unprettier that allows Brodus to squash Otunga. Christian and crew then dance with some kids. Good thing is name isn’t Catholic *rimshot*
Alberto Del Rio earned a title shot the week after Wrestlemania. He hasn’t received his world title match yet. Lucky news for Alberto. The board decided to give Alberto a chance at the title at Money in the Bank. Sadly, Teddy decided Del Rio will face a surprise opponent next.
Raw Memorable Moments: Vince and Shane train for the Royal Rumble. Really a funny segment. It still has a few moments that hold up now. Mainly a picture of Shane from ‘99 and one from ‘12.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara
As he makes his way to the ring I can’t wait to actually see this match-up. It should be good. Also, apparently this Raw is in Mexico?
Nevermind. Alberto Del Rio just destroyed Sin Cara and has left him laying on the arena floor.
AJ is in the back with her straightedge wrist tape on. Danielson has arrived to tell her something he has been wanting to for months. He overreacted. He has hated himself the entire time. It’s all his fault. The American Dragon is sorry.
AJ thinks that is sweet. It isn’t about the WWE title match at Money in the Bank? AJ loves that she’ll run into Punk’s arms tonight. Because Daniel Bryan never cared about her at all.
Paul heyman is coming up next.
Smackdown is live tomorrow night on Sci-Fi at 8pm.
Raw takes a quick look back over the last few weeks of encounters between Triple H and the Heyman camp. All of this leading to an answer from Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman about Summerslam.
Brock Lesnar has made a decision about Summerslam. Brock Lesnar will deliver that answer personally on the 1,000 episode of Raw. Will Triple H need the money from fighting Lesnar to go away from the lawsuit? Yeah, he will. Why does Triple H want to face Brock Lesnar? Exit strategy. Triple H will never wrestle again after the beating. He’ll have his answer and never have to worry about anyone challenging him. The way to a mercy killing.
Kane and Big Show will also face off in a No-DQ match.
Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero vs. AJ and Sheamus
I hope Ziggler and Vickie don’t part ways. The two work extremely well together. That said the Sheamus/AJ pairing is a bit odd and more of a “thrown together” thing to me. I just don’t really get it. Fully pulling herself out of the Punk/Danielson/Kane story right now is kind of random. I get Danielson will probably do something in this match, but Sheamus seems sooooo random.
I also must say as this match gets going I’m not on the Sheamus train. Really, he doesn’t do it for me. Dolph and Sheamus are having some really enjoyable matches though. These two working together is making me want to see Sheamus more and more.Sheamus is on the receiving end of all the punishment during this contest so far. Ziggler has taken him to the ropes and to the ground. All of that ends completely with Dolph getting a GIGANTIC forearm to the face. He even falls victim to “White Noise”. Before Dolph falls victim to the Borough Kick he tags in Vickie.
Vickie comes into the ring, Dolph takes a Borough Kick, Vickie takes a Shining Wizard, and AJ wins. This phrase is going around tonight, but man…Dolph is Sheamus’ bitch.
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Winners: Sheamus and AJ
AJ is in the back looking for Punk. She eventually finds him talking on the phone. This doesn’t make AJ happy. How did Punk like AJ’s match? He was on the phone? He didn’t see it? AJ isn’t a happy camper at all. She doesn’t like being completely ignored.
Heath Slater is here. This means we’re getting a legend. Come on Repo Man! REPO MAN! REPO MAN!
This isn’t funny. Heath Slater is the One Man Band baby. Heath Slater isn’t a clown. And he isn’t facing an evil one either.
Heath Slater vs. Doink The Clown
Lawler and Cole remind people about Lawler’s midget Survivor Series team. Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.
We know how this plays out. We also know this crowd completely didn’t give a crap about Doink.
Winner: Doink The Clown
Okay, I typed that super early. I didn't expect Heath to win at all.
Winner: Heath Slater
Wait, DDP is here. Awesome. Screw you Slater. Feel the Bang! Self-High Five mother****er. BANG! I enjoyed that small swerve there. Although I thought we were celebrating Raw, not WCW.
Congratulations to WWE for being able to admit the terribleness of No Holds Barred. You’re now on equal footing with Tommy Wiseau. Good job boys.
They don’t. Big Show and Kane just go right to throwing punches and chops at each other all around the ring and ringside area. Show throws Kane into the steel steps and goes for a Chokeslam until Kane reverses it with a grasp of his own. Show isn’t having any of that. He gives a nice side kick right to Kane’s jaw.
Nice time is over. Big Show brings a chair into the ring. Kane stops him as he enters with a running DDT. Both men are down but Kane is up first and ascends the top rope. Kane misses the flying clothesline but picks up a chair. Show spears the chair through Kane and then Chokeslams him onto the chair for the win.
Winner: Big Show
Teddy Long feels happy to be in charge until he runs into Eve. Teddy Long has a giant nametag for her to wear. She isn’t a fan of that idea. Eve runs into AJ, who seems really upset, and tries to cut a deal with her. AJ doesn’t like that. Eve will do anything for attention. Who does Eve “brown nose” next? Eve will do anything to get attention. AJ wants attention and she has just figured out how to get it.
Del Rio’s most memorable Raw moment: DX invading WCW. Easily one of the most memorable moments in Raw history. If Bischoff would’ve let them in who knows what would have happened.
Tyson Kidd vs. Tensai
I have a few thoughts on Smackdown’s particular Money in the Bank match that I think will be in an audio this week. Oh, the match is over. Bell rings, roll-up, bell rings. Tensai destroys his manager dude. Sometimes finding reliable help is hard work.
Winner: Tyson Kidd
Danielson hopes Jericho won’t wear a stupid jacket to the ring. Stupid jacket? Well, Danielson has a stupid beard. Can these two work together? YES! YES! YES! YES! Ah-gain! Ah-gain! YES! Ah-Gain! What the hell is going on?
CM Punk wants to lead his team. John Cena has no problems listening.
Tyson Kidd can’t even get an interview in. Instead Tensai gets an ass kicking thrown in for good sake. Kidd is left lying and the camera crew really doesn’t care.
Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk and John Cena
Daniel Bryan gets a quick arm drag in (YES!) before the two Money in the Bank main eventers turn it into high gear. Punk gets the upper hand, drags Danielson to the corner, and tags in Cena. The Dragon gets away quickly to bring in the Ayatollah of Rock’n’Rolla.
The two men square off. Jericho gets the better of a shoulder block before Cena gives him a receipt. Jericho is thrown out to the floor. Know what that means? Million dollar jackpot. I’m kidding. That’d be pretty sweet though. Too bad.
Raw comes back with Jericho laughing at Punk’s attempted tag. Cena is not in any shape to make a tag. Jericho will make sure it doesn’t happen at all. He is toying with Cena. Y2J has the match in complete control up until he misses a Lionsault. The American Dragon gets the tag and keeps Cena from his corner.
Danielson opens up his fight with Cena using kicks that are followed by a giant running dropkick. After that much damage has been done Jericho has no problem getting involved again. Y2J brings Cena down to the ground, keeping him there with a front facelock. Cena powers out, attempting an FU, that leads to a DDT from Jericho.
Cena breaks away from Jericho by throwing him into the turnbuckle and both men are down. Cena makes the tag just as Danielson brings the heat. High knee into a power slam by the WWE champ. When that doesn’t get a three count Punk switches over to the Anaconda Vice. Jeircho breaks up the submission before being chased out of the arena by Cena.
Danielson and Punk continue to roll out of pinfall attempts ending with a giant head kick from Danielson. Punk kicks out at two making the Yes Man very frustrated. Chick Magnet Punk cuts him off at the top and puts him down with a superplex.
AJ Lee makes her way down to the ring skipping. Neither man notices her. They just continue to fight. AJ gets up on the apron and just stands waiting to be noticed.. After awhile AJ begins searching under the ring. She find a table and sets it up at ringside. The psychotic hottie looks at her two men before climbing the top turnbuckle and threatens to jump. Daniel Bryan steps in her way asking her not to jump. CM Punk quickly arrives on the turnbuckle asking her to not jump as well. AJ Lee kisses Punk and pushes both men through a the table below.
Raw goes off the air as AJ stands on the turnbuckle happy as she ever could be at her carnage below.
Conclusions and Thoughts
So, WWE was trying to highlight that their main eventers just go through catchphrases over and over again. I really don’t understand this particular Raw at all. It was kind of just there. It is pretty obvious, to me, that AJ’s story is the heart of Raw right now. For good reason too. She has the most interesting character ark and story going throughout everything else in WWE.
The idea of Raw going three hours is daunting to me. I just don’t know if they’ll be able to do it weekly or we’ll be able to handle it weekly.
Highlight of the Night: AJ Lee
At this point watching Raw just for AJ can make it worth it. Maybe her character is going to obvious way. Who cares? The story is a fun ride and all involved are making it worthwhile. Can’t wait to see where it is taken and how far she keeps it going. AJ Lee is the big shining star of this story.
Lowlight of the Night: Opening promo segment
Yeah, it set everything up. I get that. Hell, it was just super long and had so many different people. It felt like the 2011 Impact openings. Just a bit too much. Add in the Jericho and Danielson thing….yeah. Not for me. Maybe I’m alone.
Five Questions for the WWE:
1) Why? Why? Why? Why?
2) If No Holds Barred succeeds will you guys be releasing Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny on DVD?
3) Can Repo Man please show up?
4) What will it take to have WWE fans give Tensai/Albert credit?
5) Did any of you guys actually expect this AJ storyline to go as far, or get as over, as it has?