Inspector Spacetime - Fought the bloody Blorgons again. He has to fight them again. It’s not a matter of “where” but “when”.
Tonight on Raw: Lawler and Punk Triple H John Cena AJ Lee Possibly a wrestling match AND MORE!!!!!
MONDAY NIGHT RAW:
CM Punk wanted to talk to John Cena and Jerry Lawler last week. Back seats are for making out and respect. Cena believes he believes he is the best Inspector Spacetime in the world. What moment will defie Punk’s existence? Who knows? Lawler knows how to take a kick in the back of the head though. Punk did it for Kaufman.
Have I mentioned how much not having Nickelback on the opening theme is such an improvement? This still is no Across the Nation though.
Jerry Lawler tweeted after Raw last week. Michael Cole is going to tell us it while Jerry Lawler sits next to him. Classy. Wait, Jerry is just going to tell us what is up instead. Are we in Memphis?
Lawler knows this isn’t the way Raw normally starts. Raw usually starts with five people having a conversation for twenty minutes instead of just one. (ZING!) Jerry misspoke on the 1000th episode of Raw. He no speak English. Lawler apologized and got a big kick for it. This week Lawler wants an apology. He will apologize and he will like it.
Nirvana’s “All Apologies” plays over the loud speaker as Punk walks out and flips Jerry Lawler off before walking back behind the curtain. Sadly that doesn’t happen. Who knows though. They could’ve went for it. Instead Forrest Punk is going to come into the ring and apologize.
CM Gump will not apologize for doing his job. The Rock got beat down months ago because of a lack of respect. CM Punk isn’t a bad guy. Jerry Lawler turned his back on the WWE Universe. Jerry’s ignorance and stupidity got him kicked in the head. Sorry it takes nothing at all to get into the Hall of Fame of the WWE. Go slap a comedian, date a teenager, or beat up no names at Memphis. CM Punk is sorry about the man Jerry Lawler has become.
Does Jerry want to fight? Jerry wants to fight CM Punk? The King is just a commentator. Punk is the best in the world. This would be embarrassing for Jerry. Mr. Kat wants an apology not a fight. No. No. No. No. No. Punk can see it on Jerry’s face. He wants a fight. Want to find out whose the best in the world? Lawler will be embarrassed one way or the other tonight. Think about the fight Burger King.
“Hey Punk, I’ll think about it.” - Jerry Lawler
There just wasn’t any umph in that at all. Seriously. That was a tad anti-climactic.
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: Club WWI is starting up next week and Aaron Wood has info how you can join. You shouldn't worry too much. I'm in it and I never lose the Club WWI league. Champion in the HOUSE!
Hey, Jack Swagger is here. Let us all laugh at his career. Well, I might be jumping ahead of myself.
Jack Swagger vs. Ryback
Ok. We can all continue to laugh at his current career path. HAW-HAW!
Guess what happens. Ryback just destroyed a former World Champion. Everyone can shut up about moving up the card now. I still think Ryback is fun to watch. Yeah, I’m ok with that. Sometimes raw power is just great to see.
Granted holy crap Jack Swagger might be paralyzed? Wait….wait….No, he seems to still be moving. Not anymore. Clothesline, Feed Him More!
Winner: Ryback
Later tonight Triple H is going to come out and talk about his career and the state of Community’s 12 episode stretch for Season 4 and its chances of renewal.
Commercial Break
WWI Did You Know: A few of us will also start playing Madden over the next few weeks if anyone is game.
Layla vs. Nattie Neidhart
Remember when Layla got huge reactions for being hated so much? I only mention this because of the absolute silence from the crowd during her entrance.
EXCUSE HER!!!!!!!
Vickie Gureero is here to make an announcement, but this stupid match is in the way. It needs to end quickly. End this now. Vickie is tired of this match. The two women chain wrestle while Michael Cole talks about Twitter and Vickie just doesn’t care about this match. Lawler is also watching this Divas match and trying to act like an adult. Stupid Punk. He is such a jerk face.
The crowd seems as impatient as Vickie seems to be. WWE doesn’t care if their women wrestle and TNA treats their women like low level porn stars for the announcers. I’m not sure which is worse for their current profession. Layla wins with a random head kick.
Winner: Layla
Vickie Guerrero wants to speak. She is very upset about AJ Lee’s power abuse last week when Ziggler could’ve lost his contract. No one has the guts to talk about these issues instead of ignore them. Raw needs to be in the hands of an adult like Vickie. Not some mentally deranged child.
Vickie Guerrero just used the magic word. AJ Lee asks kindly for the microphone and then just straight bitch slaps Vickie Guerrero across the face. The crowd is in love. AJ is something.
The WWE will be taking a look back at Triple H’s entire career all night long. The Blu Ray set will be out by Christmas. Don’t worry your heads too much. NEWSFLASH: Triple H was in Degeneration-X.
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: Almost every pro wrestler thinks all other sports are predetermined. Once a month Ole Anderson comes here to talk with James about finances. He walks by my office from Aug-Feb with all my Steelers gear everywhere and just begins yelling "IT'S A WORK YOU STUPID IDIOT!"
Daniel Bryan is in Anger Management. They’re waiting on a final participant. A child walks in wearing a goat mask. This is absurd. The kid is in a play. You know what. You’ll just have to see it. Danielson plays it well though. I’m so torn on that two minutes.
Lawler is tired of everyone talking about if he’ll do it. Lawler beat up actual people. The list is huge. What a crazy career. How long would Punk have lasted? Not very. Jerry gets fun-loving around here. Lawler hasn’t been WWF champion and he beat up a comedian. Jerry Lawler isn’t the best in the world. Jerry doesn’t believe CM Punk is either. Tonight, they fight in….Memphis? No, seriously. I still don’t know what city they’re in.
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: James Guttman secretly wishes he was from Alabama so he could watch and adore college football more than anyone in the world.
John Cena is here. His thoughts on tonight?
“The home of PBR.” -John Cena
What a glorious thing to be known for. Congrats to the town I seriously can’t believe they haven’t said at all tonight. Cena is going to fight without saying a word. Weird. John Cena in a match without a promo an hour before. How the mighty haven’t fallen in any way, shape, or form.
John Cena vs. The Miz
Wrestlemania Rematch. #ImThatGuy Again, this match is just a staggering example of how far The Miz has fallen. I guess he could look at Mick Foley writing a new book all about him as a plus. Miz sits in a place that, nowadays, is all but forgettable while Cena stays exactly where he is. Cena controls a headlock hard while Raw does what it does best…
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: Aaron Wood follows Tim Tebow's every move. There is a restraining order out there.
Josh Matthews is here, The Miz is being destroyed by Cena, and we’re only one hour into Monday Night Raw. The crowd barely reacts to The Miz anymore. There are so many things with Miz’s last two years that are just really disappointing. The guy was on top of the world. Now he is an afterthought to a John Cena match that is just a bridge into his title shot with CM Punk.
Miz gets a two count off some vintage Miz. Miz constantly kicking Cena in the face is just like when Inspector Spacetime went and used the same more on the Master Blorgon until it finally broke down. The difference is that Master Blorgon didn’t stop the inspector by using an STFU. You can tell this match is important. Michael Cole is talking about Triple H and reading tweets throughout the entire thing. I feel like they’re about to tell me to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter (@TNADixie)
There’s a part of me that thinks you can notice your spot on the card by facing John Cena in a match. If you take the shoulder blocks but then reverse the suplex, five knuckle shuffle, or the FU something is going good for you. The other option is to be The Miz tonight.
Winner: John Cena
What type of match will Punk and Lawler fight in tonight? The WWE Universe will decide.
Tables match
Steel Cage match
No DQ match
If the cage doesn’t win then there is a BIG problem with WWE actual fan base and the one I would assume I’m part of.
Triple H highlight package #2: Triple H’s quad surgery and return as a Wrestling God.
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: James Bullock played college football at the University of Saskatoon
Daniel Bryan was in therapy. Yep. Here we go again. Harold is sharing about his anger. What does Daniel think about Harold’s sharing? Daniel’s boss was his ex-fiancé who put him in a match with her demonic boy toy. How can it get worse? The last patient has arrived. Kane is here. Daniel is annoyed. He deals with this stuff on a daily basis. What…the…hell? It’s like a bad Boy Meets World segment.
Heath Slater Touted. Why? The guy won a match. Amazing.
Heath Slater vs. Santino Marella
WWE is giving me their version of Eric Young and Garett Bischoff. They have brought me into a new level of things I don’t care about. The Cobra has been trying to hook up with Aksana. Heath Slater just wants to play air guitar.
I can’t recall a time a crowd has sat on their hands more than in this match. They don’t care. They’re booing because the match isn’t over. The crowd is loving that this match is almost over. Wait, Aksana is here. The crowd seems to not care who she is, but they are very concerned this match might last longer now. COBRA!!!!
Winner: Santino Marella
Superstars tweeted about Triple H. He’ll be here later. YAY! TRIPLE H!
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: I was going to be drafted #1 before Eli Manning, but I didn't want to be part of the Giants or Chargers. We settled on taking me out to dinner and a automatic retirement instead.
Brodus Clay and Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes
Brodus Clay is in WWE 13 but Claudio Castagnoli isn’t. Personal gripe. Real quick I’d like to state my thoughts on the game by saying they should do an NXT download pack featuring Tyler Black, Chris Hero, etc etc. This is coming from someone who probably won’t be buying the game though. Give me something new. I’m tired of the same game with the same problems all year. I apologize for the rant, but this Brodus Clay entrance gives people time to think.
Sin Cara is his partner. Has anyone seen a bigger attempt to throw someone into the main event spotlight and fail so badly. They openly admitted just how much he was worth and what they thought of him. It just hasn’t worked at all. Very disappointing for everyone.
Damien Sandow has experienced a miracle. He has found someone to have an intelligent conversation with on the road. His tag team partner: Cody Rhodes. This match is apropos. Brodus Clay is as fat as Milwaukee (Hey! They’re in Wisconsin) and Sin Cara is ugly as the Bucks.
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: I rode a bus with Jerome Bettis once.
Remember when Cody Rhodes was super hot and the guy to watch thanks to his mask and paper back shtick?
Sin Cara make the tag just as Cody Rhodes starts to take an ass-whooping. Brodus takes down Cody Rhodes but is stopped by Sandow. Sin Cara breaks up Damien’s attempt to ruin the fun while Brodus Clay ends this so he can get funky.
Winners: Brodus Clay and Sin Cara
Charlie from Lost is the social media ambassador. I miss LOST.
Kane is in Anger Management. Is there anything he’d like to share? Kane is the Devil’s Favorite Demon. Daniel is just annoyed. Sharing is caring. Kane then breaks down his entire history in less than four minutes. Katie Vick was just mentioned on television. What…the…hell?
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: I might be the biggest Kane fan in wrestling. That skit had plot holes no one should remember. I actually read the biography. Yeah, I don't know why either.
Triple H highlight video of all his greatest hits over his entire career. You can basically call this a Blu Ray trailer for his impending retrospective.
R-Truth w/ Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan
WWE’s treatment of different ethnic groups makes me feel terrible when I think that they’re inevitably going to do something horrible with Kofi and R-Truth now that they wear suits all the time.
I’m pretty sure Daniel Bryan is one of the top three most over people in this company along with John Cena and Vickie Guerrero.
Daniel Bryan just wants to keep his cool. The crowd wants to call him a goat face. Little Jimmy just wants a fist bump. Everything about this is decently absurd. Milwaukee wants to make sure R-Truth knows where he is. He assures him he does. Daniel then gets into a yelling match with the crowd. YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO!
Winner: R-Truth by Countout
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: I could go and make the Indianapolis Colts right now. All I'd have to do is call. They suck.
Triple H is here to speak to the crowd. There is a fantastic sign “HBK was better than you” right behind Triple H’s head as he enters. Josh and Cole are standing as if Motorhead was blaring the new National Anthem.
Hunter stands in the ring silent for a long time. Does he want that Hogan reaction? Who knows? Is he retiring? Never say never. Triple H wanted to accomplish two simple things: creating something no one would forget and retire from the ring being able to walk. Everybody hooks up with Bone-Thugs at the crossroads in every career.
Is it time? Deoending on your thoughts about space and time you can’t ever win against time. Triple H doesn’t want to hang out. Triple H doesn’t want to be Ric Flair. He basically says it without saying it. I don’t think he means it like that, but it seems like he is kinda saying that.
Hunter is broken, tired, and just hurt. Hell, years ago he could be in a car crash and show up the next night unharmed. Nowadays he breaks his arm and is in a cast 8 days later. Is it time? Triple H needs to be able to beat Brock Lesnar. He has answered his own question
The crowd give him the ol’ Rob Schneider encouragement. Thank you fans for that. People wrestle for one reason: ring rats. Wait, apparently for peoples entertainment. I got into that business for the wrong reasons. Triple H has been inside every single wrestler backstage. He knows exactly what they feel on their insides.
“Thank you for letting me play the game.” -Triple H
“Thanks for not letting anyone else have a chance to win it.” -The Internet
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: Mike Johns was a coach in the CFL for a small amount of time.
Dolph Ziggler has arrived via Jericho’s music and video. The crowd wasn’t too surprised. Why? Because we’ll never see Chris Jericho never EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEERRRR Ah-gain!
Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio vs. Sheamus and Randy Orton
These entrances just take FOREVER!
Orton and Sheamus go to town on their opponents. Powerslam, slingshot suplex, flying shoulder block, COMMERCIAL!
Commercial Break
WWI Did You Know: James Guttman makes Twitter fun during some Raws.
Ziggler and Del Rio have full control of Randy Orton on their side of the ring. The Viper can’t step away from the makeshift team for more than a mere moment here and there. Orton finally gets space with a huge back body drop over the top rope. Orton crawls to the tag as Ricardo pushes Alberto to it.
Ziggler gets destroyed by Sheamus. He takes everything full force and just receives pain. Ziggler sits and makes every single move look like absolute death. Orton uses his backbreaker to stop Ziggler and Sheamus ends this with a bro kick.
Winner: shamus and Randy Orton by pinfall
Jerry Lawler is happy he is being coached by John Cena. This will all be about Punk/Lawler. No Cena will be allowed at ringside by The King.
Commercial Break WWI Did You Know: Canadian Bulldog doesn't accept Football as an official sport. He says there are only five: hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey
Truthfully I somehow got the random wake-up just as Punk is giving his belt to the referee. Damn three hours man.
Quick recap:
Ryder and Kane won a tag match. Umm...that is it? Or they fought. Something happened with the two of them. Sometimes I'm the worst person ever. I'm the opposite of Batman.
CM Punk vs. Jerry Lawler in a Steel Cage Match
First shot is Lawlers. Punk said he’d do it and is a man of his word. Punk is put right on his ass with one solid punch. CM Punk quickly goes after Jerry Lawler with kicks until he is down on his knees. The King tries to rise but is thrown back down to the ground by CM Punk. The new king of Memphis Tennessee has arrived.
Punk is just playing with King at this point. The King is dropped with a kick. Punk goes to the top rope and is dropped right onto his crotch. Lawler tries to escape but the champ just won’t be embarrassed. He is the new King of Memphis Tennessee. I’m actually loving the straight copy of Kaufman’s song. The Chicago Savoir takes the cage to the face.
Jerry is finally up and in control of this contest. He ascends the ropes and the strap comes down. The patented fist drop only brings Lawler a two count. The world champion is bleeding as he tells Lawler it is time to go to sleep. Nope. Not tonight. Rock Bottom. Anaconda Vice. Best in the world.
Winner: CM Punk
The champ grabs a microphone and a chain to lock himself in the cage with Lawler for some alone time. Fact time: Lawler’s arm is hurt, but he needs to say that Punk is the best in the world. Lawler refuses and receives some hard elbows to the head for his trouble. Best in the world! NO!
The white knight has come to the aid of Jerry Lawler. Unfortunately the door is locked and no one can stop CM Punk from this assault. He chokes the life out of Lawler before dropping knees consistently on King’s face. BEST IN THE WORLD!
Conclusions and Thoughts
Raw wasn’t bad by any means. It wasn’t exactly mind boggling. They’ve kept a trend since getting to three hours. They’ve stayed solid without feeling overburdened by themselves. Triple H does the false retire and the clock moves us towards another Lesnar/HHH showdown. Kane reveals everything he has ever done in the company, and the crowd sits on their hands a lot tonight.
Tonight on Raw you didn’t miss anything huge if you didn’t watch it. You wouldn’t have hated yourself for doing it either though. Kane and Bryan brought the funny in a very sitcom-like comedy sketch. Kane is the bomb, and Daniel Bryan is WWE’s current hidden gem.
Highlight of the Night: CM Punk / Jerry Lawler
This is another one that is here just for how amazing it is that it can even happen. One of my favorites vs. one of my Grandpa’s all time favorites. Cool to see. Bonus points for all the nods to Kaufman/Lawler.
Lowlight of the Night: Santino vs. Heath Slater
It just doesn’t work all that well guys. I’m sorry. Maybe some other time it will click really well.
Five Questions for the WWE:
1) How long before Triple H comes back to show us that the game isn’t over?
2) Can Daniel Bryan and Kane start getting some tag matches together?
3) Isn’t the next PPV in a few weeks and there is still no official WWE title match? Aren’t you guys totally itching to make it official?
4) Who brings it better at their older age: Flair or Lawler?
5) Am I the only one completely over Santino Marella?
