Mr. McMahon - Blocked the sun with a giant disc so everyone would use nuclear power.
John Cena - Did whatever he was told so that Lisa might go on a date with him.
CM Punk - Cut the head off the statue of Jebediah Springfield
Big Show - HAW HAW!
Triple H - Dreamed of Mr. McMahon saying loving things to him naked before going to the Malibu Stacey convention
Brodus Clay - Worst. Gimmick. Ever.
Tonight on Raw: DOLPH ZIGGLER MIGHT CASH IN DEL RIO IS #1 CONTENDER CM PUNK BIG SHOW JOHN CENA AND MORE!!!!!!!!
MONDAY NIGHT RAW:
Still an awesome company ID.
We get ourselves a nice little recap of last weeks main event which set up CM Punk’s Summerslam title match against Big Show and John Cena. The Miz writes on a chalkboard “I still think that I’m Awesome!” before skating away on his skateboard.
Raw has a new theme song. It even has a new opening video. Better than Nickelback.
Michael Cole reminds us tonight is three hours. I remind myself that Michael Cole is like Dr. Nick.
AJ Lee is here to kick off Monday Night Raw. She just wants to tell us some awesome matches. Possibly for tonight? She doesn’t really specify. Big Show will be facing Randy Orton while John Cena will be facing Bryan Danielson. So far, so good. Add in all those replays and we might have our quota for the evening. (Note: ZING!)
CM Punk is straight (edge)-out tired of all the talking already. He wants to prove that by coming down and saying some words of his own. CM Punk has zero regrets. CM Punk knows when he has made mistakes. He’ll even try to admit it and right his wrongs. CM Punk did something wrong. CM Punk wants to take something back. Can he AJ? Can he AJ? Can he AJ? Can he AJ?
The Second City Savoir should not have yelled at someone in the position of power that AJ is in. Punk knows what it’s like to be yelled at and it doesn’t feel good. He is sorry. AJ accepts the apology and CM Punk wants to make sure they can still be really good friends with benefits. How about that triple threat match at Summerslam gets cancelled?
AJ knows her lover is right. She is new at this. She will make mistakes. The match is still on.
CM Simpson gets it. This is payback for when AJ Lee asked him to be married to her. There is more to her than that. CM Punk will wrestle those men in a singles match. He’ll wrestle anyone in a singles match. He just doesn’t want a triple threat match.
John Van Houten is here and looking at his old BFF weird. Why? He has become one of those guys who demands respect. No. You come and earn it. How do you earn it? Listening to the crowd tell you how much you suck apparently. Nope. It isn’t the titles. Cena has 11 of those and still has to earn respect.
Punk only has Punk to blame. He could’ve just let them wrestle and it would’ve happened. Nope. Bee-Tee-Dub AJ smells great and Cena wants to bang her.
No. We’re not doing this. CM Punk was commentating and John Cena interrupted that. The WWE Champion won’t be disrespected. No person will disrespect Punk. This is a two-party system. No third party is respectable.
Punk and Cena pull some good Back to the Future lines before they are joined by the Big Show.
STOP!
STOP!
STOP!
STOP!
Cena and Show need to stop. They have matches later. That’s bull****. The WWE Champion needs a match. He needs to be the main event. Who is the opponent? Let us all go to Twitter. The Miz, Kane, or Rey Mysterio. I’m personally going to vote #ZackRyder. That match is next.
Commercial Break
Who won the vote? Rey Mysterio. Good job jerks. This is all your fault.
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk
Chris Hero got really tan and short quick.
CM Punk and Rey-Rey start things out slow until Rey brings the heat with a few kicks to the leg. The high-flyer isn’t doing t ohot once he runs into the corner turnbuckle post with his shoulder. Punk gets a two count before following it up with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. CM Punk climbs to the top rope and is kicked off by Rey Mysterio. Raw goes to commercial with CM Punk down on the outside.
Commercial Break
Raw comes back with both men down and kind of hurt. Cole and Lawler explain why they are fighting but not why they are just sort of lying around and sitting down. Punk goes to the top with Mysterio bringing him back down using a superplex. Rey gets hooked in a leglock allowing us to see a failed 619 attempt during the commercial break.
Rey is thrown outside the ring but quickly brings himself back in with a Whoopie Cushion. Rey follows up with a kick to the head. Seconds later Rey is escaping a GTS and landing the 619. His advantage lasts another five seconds until Punk brings his knees up during a Frog Splash attempt. Go to Sleep.
CM Punk just bent Rey’s Wookie.
Winner: CM Punk
Alberto Del Rio has arrived and is trying to park in his private spot. Spanish is spoken and then Del Rio decides to make his way to the ring.
Commercial Break
Wade Barrett is coming back. He is about to bring it all on.
Del Rio loves AJ’s general managing. He doesn’t want to wrestle until Summerslam. Luckily he isn’t booked. Good. That girl isn’t crazy. Well, she doesn’t like to be called ‘crazy’. Time for Del Rio’s match…NEXT!
Lawler loves crazy chicks.
Commercial Break
Did you know: Principal Skinner isn’t the original Seymour Skinner?
Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Christian
I don’t even know. I mean, I get it. Seriously. Del Rio needs to look credible going into a world title match. Question: Why not just make him look credible in his loses instead of always having to rebuild him from the ground up every month when he gets a new world title shot? Del Rio is the definition of trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Sorry. What you’re doing with him doesn’t work well. That’s a shame too. Del Rio is a hell of a talent.
Christian is at Del Rio’s mercy. Christian is thrown all over the outside before being put back in the ring and his arm worked over hard. The Captain finally brings some offense using a nice punch. Christian begins going for the Killswitch after a cross body block. Looks like it might be the beginning of the end for Christian.
Mr. Charisma goes for a spear but takes a nasty looking kick. Ricardo provides a distraction for Alberto to pull his boot off and smack Christian right across the head with it. Cross Armbreaker and we’re done here.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Sheamus has been thinking about how he is beneath Alberto Del Rio. Things need to change with the car. First Sheamus gets the job, then he gets the car, THEN he gets the women. Time to tour San Antonio. Sheamus pulls a move out of a great WWE video game cut scene by stealing ADR’s car.
Commercial Break Know what I love about America? Everything but YOU Larry The Cable Guy. Everything but YOU.
Randy Orton vs. Big Show
Randy Orton hears voices. Do you think they tell him to pay attention to other things during Raw except when he is on? If they tell him to sit and watch every single moment of original WWE programming I think he’ll snap. The guy might flip out and make his way over to Washington State or something.
Big Show doesn’t seem as big as the guy that is on that screen behind him. That guy is huge. Looks just like him. A giant twin of a giant. Someone needs to call Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Jerry Lawler also needs to stop reminding me just how long Raw is every single week from now on.
Lawler makes sure to point out, multiple times, the difference between stealing a car (which Sheamus didn’t and would never do) and borrowing the car.
Big Show sucks. The crowd thinks that. Randy Orton is sucking wind after the Big Nasty Bastard took steps all over his mid-section. Randy Orton is in over his head. This is just all too easy. Ring rust? Who knows. Randy lands some punches but goes down to one single elbow. Orton finally gets to feel what his chinlock of doom is like before Big Show shoves him across the ring.
Nelson “Big Show” Munce isn’t going down for anyone. Randy Orton decides he will with just one single dropkick. The Viper coils. The Viper is stricken down with a choke slam. Randy Orton kicks out just before three. The young man slithers to the ring side. Big Show follows and is draped over the top rope for his trouble. Show isn’t happy about that. He shoulder blocks Orton through the ring ropes to the outside.
Both men fight outside for seven seconds then get back into it. Show wraps his hands around Randy’s neck forcing Orton to fight him off. The Giant decides to go back outside by throwing Orton outside. The two battle back and forth ending with a big spear on the outside leaving both men counted out.
Winner: No Contest
Captain Insane-O is a little pissed off about this match decision. He winds up a WMD to sling at New Springfield getting an RKO for his troubles.
Triple H/Brock Lesnar recap number 4 for tonight. Apparently they’re both here. Shawn Michaels is too. D-X reunion? No. They would’ve jammed that news down our throats.
Commercial Break
Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks vs. Ryback
Yeah. I really enjoy Ryback. Sometimes it is just awesome to see a big dude destroy people. My buddy went to Smackdown in Indy this past week (he had the fast forward sign that was taken during Sheamus/Tensai) and said no one responds to Ryback there. I kind of get it. People aren’t really doing it here. The thing that made Goldberg cool was NO ONE touched him. He went in, destroyed, left. Literally he didn’t get knocked down until he was in the 50s? I think the first fight he actually went down and was DOWN was against Raven for the US title.
Why type all that and not talk about the match? You’ve seen this match. You know what happens. FEED HIM MORE!
Winner: RYBACK!
They have time to basically replay the entire match before…
Commercial Break
Prime Time Playas w/ AW vs. Primo and Epico
AW still has a live microphone. I doubt he’ll bring up a Waco Texas reference this week. We’ll all be surprised if he does. AW isn’t using the mic as much to begin the match and it kind of takes away. I understand that some people could see it as taking away from the match as a whole, but it is a unique take today. Truth Martini is disappointed he hasn’t been doing it for years.
Titus O’Neil tags in Derrin Young then using him as a weapon. #MillionsOfDollars. Shelbyville Cena works hard to keep Primo at bay and does so with a huge power slam. Darren Young is like Mother Teresa and can do no wrong.
“That’s better.” -Jerry Lawler
Yeah, that comment is pretty non-controversial. Epico uses a triple back suplex that just looks kind of bad. Ummm…ok. The Prime Time Players don’t want to fight anymore. They’re out of here. The tag champs (Kofi and R-Truth) offer a distraction that gives Epico and Primo time to bring the champs back into the ring. Epico with a backstabber for the win.
Winners: Epico and Primo
Raw 1000 rewind (3rd of the night) followed by last week’s Damien Sandow moment. We’re going to live off of Raw 1000 for awhile. Brodus Clay shouldn’t have laughed at Damien being put in his place.
Can Damien explain himself? Sandow is obligated to remove any delinquents from society. Tonight he eliminates Brodus Clay. You’re welcome.
Commercial Break
Brodus Clay vs. Damien Sandow
Ladies and Gentlemen. Put your hands together for the only living, breathing, jobber with an entrance…..BRODUS CLAY!
Brodus Clay can’t even bring out the T-Rex arms. Damien Sandow jumps the big man before his Sugg Knight suit can even be pulled off. The intellectual won’t stop on his assault until he has Brodus on the ground and his leg wrenched badly. The Funkasaurus is down and out. Sandow enjoys himself.
No Contest
Hey Brodus, your epidermis is showing.
AJ Lee is contemplating in the back. Tag match? No. She is with Daniel Bryan. The psychologist says he is sane but Bryan has anger management issues. Is it because he was left at the alter? Who knows. Danielson is calm and is happy to fight Cena tonight. When he wins the WWE title match will be a fatal four way. No. Kane is Danielson’s Summerslam opponent. NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES!
Commercial Break
Kelly Kelly vs. Eve Torres
“Just look over here and wink. I’ll do the rest.” -Jerry Lawler
Kelly Kelly is back. Yay for some people. Eve is wrestling her. Yay for other people. K2 won’t let Eve leave. The Maxim Calander Cover Girl gives a big ol’ stink face to Eve. There are women out there doing that exact thing for far much less money. Good for Kelly. Ms. Kelly lands a cross body block but doesn’t pick up the win.
Eve gets the upper hand by throwing Kelly down to the mat from the top rope. Johnny’s old helper then uses a choke from the top rope. Kelly Kelly Kelly ends the match with a hurricanrana for the 3 count.
Winner: Kelly Kelly
Remember what happened to Alberto Del Rio just an hour ago? You don’t? Let’s have them show you Sheamus stealing it one more time. I wonder if Sheamus is going to the World’s Fair. Don’t bring that backflipping dog though.
Brock Lesnar and Triple H fought at Raw 1000. Remember that? They’re back tonight. Shawn Michaels will be here soon. Promise. Just live for a few more minutes.
Commercial Break
Shawn Michaels is here. Everyone is happy. Lawler and Cole look like a couple of Martins just standing up and clapping with giant smiles on their face. It’s very creepy.
Shawn wants to thank the WWE Universe for wanting him to keep showing up and doing things. Remember Raw 1000? Shawn was there. He got to hang out with his DX buddies one more time. Shawn enjoys just sitting around doing nothing in particular. He likes to be a normal guy. There is no reason Shawn should miss Raw when it is in his hometown.
Shawn doesn’t recognize many of the guys in the back. They’re all talking though. They all talk about Triple H and Brock Lesnar. They talk about Triple H all the time. They try to copy his clothing choices. What will happen at Summerslam?
Here comes the pain!
Paul Heyman isn’t surprised that people want to know the opinion of HBK. Everybody should be asking Shawn’s opinion. HBK is the greatest in ring entertainer in WWE history. Brock and Heyman would seek out the Kid’s opinion, but Brock Lesnar isn’t coming into Summerslam as an entertainer. He won’t entertain with Triple H. There is no want or will to be Mr. Hall of Fame, Mr. Wrestlemania, Mr. Summerslam. Brock Lesnar is coming for a fight to show he is the baddest dude on the planet today.
Shawn isn’t here to dispute Brock Lesnar’s attributes. Don’t put words in his mouth either. Any other time with any other guy, Brock Lesnar is your man. The problem is you went to a place that you shouldn’t. Never attack that man’s wife and children with words. Shawn’s opinion is that Triple H would be Shawn’s choice today. Shawn believes it to his core. Michaels will even be there to see it personally.
Know what that is? That is the big announcement that WWE will show over and over when it comes to Triple H’s career ending moment. Triple H’s wife and kids shouldn’t see what Brock does at Summerslam. What will happen….
The only reason Shawn thinks Brock will lose is because he hasn’t been in the ring with Brock Lesnar…until now.
It’s Time To Play The Game
Brock stares down Triple H and Shawn Michaels before laughing callously. See you at Summerslam. Shawn, Brock Lesnar will see you before that.
Earlier tonight Alberto Del Rio lost his car. Don’t remember it? Don’t worry. There is another replay of the incident. Followed up with a Tout shown by Sheamus driving around the city of San Antonio. We get to watch it on Michael Cole’s laptop over his shoulder. TECHNOLOGY!
Commercial Break
Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero (Chris Jericho on commentary)
Worth watching just for Ziggler in the ring and Chris Jericho in the booth. Remember the Money in the Bank qualifier between Ziggler and Riley? No. It happened. Needless to say you’ve now seen this match if you’ve seen that one. It isn’t bad or anything. Just giving you some frame of reference in case I focus on something else while this match is going on.
Chris Jericho is a 9x IC champ and 6x World champ. That was the past. Nowadays he isn’t winning at all. Chris Jericho is always competing in the big matches. He isn’t winning yet, but he is still Chris Jericho. Ziggler is too big for his own head. Ziggler is taking it all to Riley in the corner.
This match is very slow paced and methodical giving time for Ziggler and Jericho time to give themselves some back and forth. Jericho knows that Ziggler is the future of the WWE. This is the present and Chris Jericho is still around.
Sexually questionable statement of the night: Austin Aries and Dolph Ziggler have some of the best tights around right now.
Jericho decides to Tout Ziggler’s match which distracts him enough for Riley to get a 3-count.
Winner: Alex Riley
AJ Lee tweeted that Miz and Kane are going to fight each other. Good for those two.
Commercial Break
Sheamus is still Touting. Why can’t Tout die?
Kane vs. The Miz
As a giant Kane fan I’m probably in the minority on this but I really like the welding mask. I know he’s had it for awhile but the thing looks great. Miz’s haircut? It’s ok. Pro wrestling fans are some of the biggest fashionistas around.
Kane pushes Miz into the corner and breaks clean until Mikey goes for a cheap shot. That sets the Big Red Machine off. He lights up Miz with punches over and over until Mizanin can step out of the way from a big boot.
It is all Miz from this point. Kicks and punches put the Monster down to the mat until Miz uses a DDT to keep him down. Kane goes back down to his feet every time he rises to his feet. Kane escapes a chinlock and then takes control using his power to put Miz down.
The Awesome One dodges a bullet then attempts the Skull Crushing Finale. Miz meets the turnbuckle instead. Goodbye Miz. Chokeslam, 3 count, FIRE!
Winner: Kane
The Big Red Monster doesn’t seem happy with his win at all. Weird.
Commercial Break
Sheamus has returned Del Rio’s car. It’s a mess. He even pooped in it. Yeah, he pooped in it.
Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena
Funny enough this match-up is a dream come true for any long time ROH fan. This match-up was the “what if” we all talked about for years. To us we couldn’t imagine anything greater. WWE sees it as worth being the main event match of Raw, but totally not the final segment. Pretty good show of what we think of things and how they’re actually perceived. That said, I can’t wait to actually watch this contest.
Wait…
Commercial Break
The fans begin to chant “Lets go Cena!” “Cena Sucks!” and Danielson doesn’t like it at all. This is about him, not Cena. Dragon is put down to the mat with a hip toss and immediately into a headlock. Danielson breaks out but is quickly taken back down to the ground with a headlock takedown.
Danielson uses his superior chain wrestling to escape the headlock quickly and begins to wear down Cena’s arm. The second Cena begins to come back Danielson takes a break outside and gathers himself. Jerry Lawler makes goat noises while Danielson puts Cena down with a big knee and then gets into a shouting match with the referee in the front row.
Commercial Break
Coming back from the break Danielson is stretching Cena’s arm and now is focused on the leg. The American Dragon lands a huge clothesline in the corner for two and can’t believe it. Cena isn’t even allowed to catch his breath. The Dragon goes right to work with kicks every single time he gets near.
Cena buys himself some time once he separates from Bryan after a back body drop. That distance doesn’t last long when The Dragon kicks the rope into Cena’s face. From there he goes back to work on the arm and shoulder of The Doctor. Cena uses pure strength to lift Bryan before Dragon slips out and puts him back in a hammerlock.
The crowd is getting their “YES!” on giving Cena the distraction he needed for a quick second wind. I just saw three shoulder blocks which means Danielson can’t see Cena and the FU is reversed with a Guillotine Choke.(Jimmy Jacobs’ “End Times”). Cena attempts to break the hold but couldn’t until the second attempt. Cena goes for the STFU and he can’t lock it in.
Things haven’t gotten fast and quick now. Dragon tries a roll up for two before landing a kick to the head for another near fall. The crowd begins to urk AJ’s ex forcing him to climb to the top for a Flying Headbutt. That makes for another two count. The American Dragon begins to snap before our very eyes.
Danielson begins to kick Cena’s chest in. After about seven hard kicks Cena ducks and locks in the STFU. ROH forum users are crying right now. The Dragon slips out, locks in the “No” Lock and Cena impresses with raw power one more time. He single handedly lifts Danielson from the mat and into the F-U for the 3-count. ROH fans commence their crying.
Winner: John Cena
CM Punk is here because we don’t know. CM Punk is the world champion that’s why. Cena shoves Punk out of the way as Big Show makes his way down to the ring. The WWE champ sits and watches as Show and Cena fight. Punk has had enough and puts both men down.
Maybe it’s Punk’s fault. He goes to the booth to talk to Lawler. He has done this to himself. CM Punk let people walk all over him. From here on out Punk makes Raw end the way it should. CM Punk standing tall at the end of Raw with his title in the middle of that ring.
CM Punk goes for a big roundhouse kick on Big Show but receives a WMD for his troubles. John Cena stirs to his feet and is put down with a fist of his own.
Raw goes off the air with Big Show standing tall holding the WWE title.
Conclusions and Thoughts
There was a lot more wrestling tonight. That was better than two hours of replays from last week. Sadly, we still got a pretty huge chunk of replays, Touts over Cole’s shoulder, and “remember raw 1000” moments. This third hour was a chore for everyone. I understand that. We all do. WWE should still find something better for it rather than slowly dragging through an hour before putting on the same show they’ve been doing for a decade now. Why not try to innovate when made to change?
Highlight of the Night: Punk, Show, Cena
Was that ending angle original? No. We’ve seen how this goes in every triple threat match. One week Punk is the last one standing, then Show, then Cena. It still works well. CM Punk has laid claim to doing everything for himself. He isn’t going to be shoved around. Punk was then put on equal footing with Big Show as someone who could win the title in an instant. Good way to create doubt and make Punk not look untouchable going into Summerslam.
Lowlight of the Night: The Replays and Touts
We’ll have to get use to them. They’re here to stay. I get that. Can we at least not see Touts from behind someone’s back on a monitor and on the tron instead?
Five Questions for the WWE:
1) Why would Rey Mysterio beating Punk be an upset? He did it multiple times just a few years ago.
2) Did Del Rio have his tape on under the suit?
3) Could Ziggler and Jericho just fight for an hour on Raw?
4) Why isn’t AJ insane anymore?
5) What about Charlie Sheen and Daniel Bryan?
