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Aaron Wood's R(eal Time)AW Coverage: I Assume There Are No Rays Famous Enough To Host, Hence The Yankee?
By Aaron Wood
Hello my Gathering! I would wish you a happy holidays, but I'll be seeing you Friday for Smackdown, so I'll do it then. You are all going to read Smackdown, right? Every week it's the little gift that just keeps on giving. But then again, so are Canadian Bulldog's columns. That said, it's apt he's a dog, because the little gifts he leaves tend to be plunkies on the carpet...
Where's Mallory, you ask (possibly desperately)? Well, I would have a joke lined up if the sad passing of the lovely Brittany Murphy wouldn't have made it entirely tasteless. Suffice to say, it's not working. That said, I'm not so sure about mine right now, as since I've come back from New York, I've had real trouble staying connected to the Internet. At least I have the breaks to make sure that if I put something in the article manager thingamajigger, it'll post and not show me a screen that essentially says EPIC FAIL~!. That said, bear with me, because I'm likely gonna have to have the patience of a saint not to throw my PC out the window, which would be a VERY bad idea because it would let the freezing air in, and it's cold enough in my room as it is... Anyway, I'll see you all at the top of the hour for the penultimate RAW of 2009! I have two pairs of socks on to stave off the likely forstbite, and I've just seen a lumberjack match between Diesel and Sid where HHH was standing inbetween Mantaur and Jean Pierre LaFitte (i.e. Vintage Collection). We do apparently have Little People's court, but after what I've just seen, I'm close to forgiving anything right now, so here we go! In case you missed the big news, the new opening bumper is missing Hogan and Foley, putting in Ted DiBiase and Jeff Hardy. So they figure Jeff's not going to TNA... Opening credits. You know, the song is actually growing on me, but I maintain it doesn't work for this opening. Jerry lawler and the SLAMMY WINNING Michael Cole CANNOT be heard where they would normally be, as we get silence during a graphic for Little People's Court and a match between John Cena & Jack Swagger for later. The first person we see is Justin Roberts and the crowd is already booing the introduction of Johnny Damon, who, by the way, is my favourite baseballist. Still no Cole or Lawler where you'd expect them to be talking! Well, at least Justin Robert's mic is working, so when he hands it to Damon, we can hear him. He wishes everyone a Merry Xmas and gets booed. He puts over his World Series titles. He says he isn't sure where he'll be in 2010, but it didn't matter because tonight, he's hosting RAW. He knew what it was like to be a player on a franchise, but tonight he was in charge of a WWE franchise. And tonight, there were a few secret santa's who would grant a WWE superstar a wish. We suddenly hear a lion roaring, as someone in a TIGER suit runs in the ring and a woman is chasing him with a golf club. HUMOUR EVERYONE! Damon said he didn't sign up for this, completely taken out of his mind. But hey, let's get things started with more people who Tiger Woods may have boinked! MELINA, KELLY KELLY & GAIL KIM vs. MARYSE, ALICIA FOX & JILLIAN Still no Cole or Lawler. Actually, I can JUST ABOUT hear them, but it's from another mic and not the ones they are supposed to be talking into.... Gail & Jillian start off and Kim gets a crossbody for 2. Jillian comes back though with an Electric Chair after catching Gail in the corner. Maryse tags in and they whip Gail hard into the corner. Backbreaker for a 2 count to Maryse. Gail switches in the corner and in comes Kelly. Couple of clotheslines and a dropkick are followed byu a headscissors. K2 follows, but it only gets two when broken up by the heels. It goes tonto for a moment, but as Maryse holds Kelly, Melina dropkciks Kelly's back, putting Maryse down with Kelly on top for 3! WINNERS: MELINA, KELLY & GAIL So we're back from break and Cole & Lawler are here! But they have no idea they haven't been heard as they just talk about Little People's Court, sending it to a skit in the arena. HBK is reading (WITH GLASSES!) as HHH walks up. The paper tells them to go to the ring. HBK thinks he has it figured. They're supposed to go under the ring to meet Hornswaggle. DX go under the ring and we join them in the darkness. Thankfully, HBK brought a glowstick, and I can tell you from experience, those things are BRIGHT for a good while. I was like a nightlight. Somehow, both of them are standing upright, as HHH finds a light switch and they are in a corridor! They walk down the corridor and see the "Little People's Court" sign on the door and go in. They enter and there are midgets everywhere, with some as a jury, one as a judge (a mini Judge Judy, in fact!) and one as a bailiff. They don't want to sit in the mini seats, but the bailiff takes out HBK's knees. HHH notices an uncanny resemblence between the bailiff and HBK, what with the ponytail and all. They eventually sit and Hornswaggle walks in. He goes off on one, and HBK thinks he said he's suing them for emotional distress. This cuts us to a video with all the hijinks between DX and the leprachaun. We come back and DX are sweating. HOW WILL IT UNFOLD! WE WILL RETURN! (Complete with cheesy voiceover...) Anyway, back to the arena and we have Legacy coming out for more six-man action! Cole puts over last week as he noted Cena beat him to become Superstar of The Year, but notes with Sheamus as champion, he's back in the title hunt. RANDY ORTON, TED DiBIASE & CODY RHODES vs. KOFI KINGSTON, MARK HENRY & EVAN BOURNE I wonder who MVP annoyed. Not only that, but Kofi's pyro was missing as well. This is already a very odd night. Mark Henry wants to start this one off, and Orton fancies a slice. Or at least he seems to before force tagging Rhodes and ducking out the ring. Cody gets sent into the corner. While Ted distracts Mark, he downs Ted and then press slams Cody. Kingston comes in off the tag. He stomps away on Cody in the corner, but Cody avoids the leap into the corner. Orton tags in as we take a break. We're back and Cody has Kofi in a chinlock, but Kofi is up quick. He flips out a back suplex. and then hits a back drop. Kofi tags in Evan Bourne. Flyign headscissors and dropkick. He takes out Orton & TD2, with Bourne then countering CrossRhodes. He hits the SSP, but Ted breaks up the pin. In the melee that ensues, Orton levels Bourne with a clothesline on the outside before rolling him in allowing Cody to get a 2 count. Orton tags in and set to work on Evan. Slingshot into the bottom rope by Randy, but again, he only picks up a 2 count. DiBiase tags in for his first official action of the night. Long delayed vertical suplex by Ted scores another 2 count. DiBiase kicks Bourne in the ribs before putting on a deep chinlock. Evan gets up and out, but DiBiase scores with a big mis-direction clothesline for a 2 count. Cody comes back in, but Ted's back in quick for a double kick to the gut. Bourne comes back with a kick to the jaw after pushing Ted into the corner. Standing 10 count, but Evan is FAR away. Orton tages in, but Bourne dives over and gets Kofi. Kofi runs wild on Orton, hitting a turning dropkick out of the corner. Boom Drop connects, but the pin is broken by Cody. Henry downs him with authority. Orton gets dumped, but Ted had tagged in. Kofi ducks a swing and hits Tourble In Paradise for the win. WINNERS: KOFI, HENRY & BOURNE The remaining members of Legacy look on in disbelief and annoyance as Ted just lies there, before retrieving their fallen comrade in the replays. We cut backstage to Damon, a Santa, Eve and The BEllas. Eve goes for a drink of Egg Nog when Carlito walks in. Carlito notes they are under the mistleroe. He shuts his eyes and puckers up, but Masters steps in. They get in a shoving match when Santa steps in. He says they should go tot he ring and that's an order. They reveal Santa to be Sarge. Salughter. They end up under the mistletoe, but Johnny's having none of it! Did you know...I'M FRIGGIN FREEZING! Back to the courtroom! I can't decide if this is the best or worst thing ever. HHH starts cracking short jokes as a defence while HBK is utterly embarrassed. Unfortunately, he doesn't do any better on the short jokes front. Time for Exhibit B when HHH tricked Swaggle into thinking he could be with DX in MSG, only to get Pedigreed. Apparently, without ever talking the midgets say DX are guilty. HBK know that they want to force Hornswaggle into the group, but he rants that Hornswaggle would have to do nigh-on impossible things to have that happen. The little people chase DX from the room with what look like tube-socks before running away and back from under the ring. They chat, and Shawn is pulled back under, but HHH manages to pull him back out again before DX run away. John Cena is walking. He's up next against jack Swagger... JOHN CENA vs. JACK SWAGGER Cena is out first to a pretty positive reaction tonight. Not as much as Iraq, but hey, you get what you can get. It might be the orange. They might think he's an old'school Buccaneer... Also, Jack Swagger had the pyro back that he was missing from his last couple of Superstars matches. Cole talks about what happens if Swagger wins. Wouldn't have bothered myself. Swagger works the amateur stuff early, with a takedown and hold, taking things into the corner. Swagger boshes Cena's head into the turnbuckle before putting in a couple of shots and choking with his boot. Cena reverses a whip and hits a bulldog before elevating Swagger over the top to the floor as we hit come more ads. Swagger has Cena in a reverse double underhook hold as we come back and we see how Swagger took contorl. Cena's strength is too much though and he forces Swagger into the corner. However, Swagger catches a Cena leap and dumps him down. Cena is placed in the cornerand Swagger hits some shots and stomps to the guts. Swagger whips Cena across, but Cena avoids the cahrge. However, Swagger catches Cena with a side slam for a 2 count. Swagger went back to the reverse double underhook. Cena looks to break, but Swagger brings him down again and locks it on once more. And once again, Cena eventually got up to break the hold. Cena ducked a shot and hit a belly to belly for a 2 count. Whip across by Cena, but Cena was caught with a boot. Swagger with a leg drop. He sets Cena up and goes for the Running Vader Bomb, and it actually connects for once in his life. However, it only scores a close 2 count. Swagger waits for Cena to get up. He looks for the gutwrench bomb, but Cena backdropped out of it. Standing 10 count. Both men up and Cena explodes with energy. Shoulder blocks, ProtoBomb and 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Cena looks for the finish, but Swagger scores an amateur takedown before hitting a big slam for a 2 count. Swagger takes Cena into the corner again and puts Cena up top. Superplex is teased, but Cena blocks it and seperates the hands before knocking Jack off. Cena looks for the leg drop, btu Swagger had it scouted. the Vader Bomb this time misses and Cena locks in the STF for the tapout win. WINNER: JOHN CENA You know, that was pretty damn awesome and hopefully get Swagger noticed again (I won't spoil ECW, but let's say they note this more than what he does tomorrow night). We cut backstage again and Johnny Damon has another Santa who is OBVIOUSLY Dusty Rhodes. Well, he is fat enough. MVP walks in and he heard Santa talk about The American Dream. He wants to make next year his year. He doesn't necessarily want a title shot, but the chance to earn one, so how about MVP vs. Sheamus tonight? Santa Rhodes is revealed and he says he can't make it happen, but he knows who can, and that Damn. Dusty spots the mistletoe, but no-one's there. Where's Pat Patterson when you need him? Back from break and we're outside in Tampa. Not that much snow out there. You should see it here. It's like Lil' Jon's dream land or something... CARLITO vs. CHRIS MASTERS As Carlito comes out, we see what happened during the Slammy's last week. Chris Masters is like the cat whose got the cream as he comes out with Eve Torres, giving Cole the chance to pimp Johnny Damon's charity. Anyway, we're underway and Mastters goes for the Masterlock early, but Carlito makes the ropes and then hangs Chris off the top rope. Carlito locks in a sleeper as we watch Eve. Cole boasts she's sat on his side. The sleeper continues for a bit until Masters gets back on his feet and dumps Carlito in the corner. He charges but is caught. He slams Carlito and calls to finish. Calrito looks to finish, but that is countered and when Carlito comes off the middle rope, he jumps right into the Masterlock for the Masters win. WINNER: CHRIS MASTERS Eve produces some mistletoe and plants one on Chris Masters. He starts flexing his pecs as he finally realises why he came back at all. Tribute To The Troops video. You probably didn't see it. Hardly anyone did, it seems. Coming up later, Sheamus vs. MVP Back to RAW and we're wih Jerry Lawler and the Slammy Award Winning Michael Cole. However, we're backstage again with TIGER~! and the Bellas. The Miz is with another Santa Clause. The Miz was pissy with Santa because when he was 9, he didn['t get a pair of pants that he wanted. You see, he wanted to be WWE Champion as well as US Champion. He wanted a tour bus and a house in Malibu. And a pair of hot women. However, this Santa is IRS. And he owes taxes on a car he won on some show. The audio then goes out entirely as the woman with the golf club runs in and runs off TIGER~! IRS reminds Miz to pay his taxes. Damon comes in and IRS calls him a tax cheat. Suddenly Mae Young comes in and launches herself at Damon under the Mistletoe!!! Gotta dmit, I cackled. SHEAMUS vs. MVP  Sheamus makes his way out before the break. Next week, it's TIMBALAND~! that's hosting things. Has to be said, he's a big WWE fan, so he should know what he's going. We come back to the arena as we get stills of Sheamus winning as the sound cuts again. Of course, it could just be the feed to the UK or the weather doing something to my satellite signal, but given the lack of annoucning earlier, I bet it's their fault. MVP makes his way out, and I note he got his pyro back too! I guess they don't want pyro on Superstars... Sheamus gets the jump on Montel from the bell and works him over in the corner. Short forearm puts MVp on his back, but when Sheamys goes to pick him up, MVP gets a couple of shots in. Sheamus stays on top however. He hits the Fiery Red Hand #2 (Uranage into the Backbreaker) but a corner charge is avoided and MVP gets some shots in. Sheamus cuts him off again though. MVP catches the Irishman with a kick and the facebuster, but as he goes for BALLIN'~!, Sheamus jumps up and hits the bicycle kick. The Cruifix Bomb finishes things off there. WINNER: SHEAMUS The right side of dominant there for Sheamus against credible competition. Cena runs out to the ring and gets in. He's not fighting though, he's using his words. The crowd seem pretty up for some fisticuffs though. Cena says the crowd knows he's due a rematch and he wants it RIGHT NOW. However, Sheamus backs out of the ring. He gets back on the apron and teases coming back, but then walks up the ramp once and for all. Did You Know...After RAW is done, I'll have watched over 4 hours of wrestling today. We go back to Johnny Damon who is getting his make up done, still traumatised from Mae. Vince McMahon comes in and greets him. He noted John Cena had made a challenge. So Damon makes it Cena vs. Sheamus for the title next week. Johnny Damon wonders about Bret Hart guest hosting and the rumours. Vince blows him off and leaves, to which Damon thinks he's a jerk, before going back to the make up. THE MIZ vs. SANTINO CLAUS! Miz is out first, as Cole noted what Miz wanted for Xmas. Santino's music then kicked in before Jingle Bells piped up. Marella wishes us a happy (insert various holidays here) before he starts singing "Santino Claus is coming to town". And he's checked his list, and Miz hasn't been a nice boy. Santino gets himself ready, but Miz jumps Santaino at the bell and mauls him before choking him in the ropes. Miz avoids a shot and hits a neckbreaker. Miz drives marella into the corner and stomps away before choking some more. The corner clothesline is avoided however and Santaino ducks a shot in a way he learned from R-Truth and then downed Miz. He misses the headbutt off the middle rope though and one Skull crushing Finale later, it was done. WINNER: THE MIZ Miz goes over to Santaino's sack of gifts and stomps away on it. Back to Cole & Lawler, who send it back to a recap of the Little People's Court. A fairly lengthy one mind you. Longer than it needed to be. Only thing I can say is that they weren't pelted with tube socks but rather polystyrene plates and cups. Big Show is walking the halls. Josh Matthews appears for his "reaction to tonight's RAW". Oddly enough, Show said he was siuck of seeing all the fake Santas and was heading out to the ring to call out the REAL Santa Cluas and get his wish granted, because heaven help him if it isn't. Cole & Lawler confirm that the last RAW of 2009 will have Cena vs. Sheamus for the title. They send it to a new trailer for The Marine 2. Looks like he shoots and kills a kid at the beginning before going to a paradise-set holiday that gets stormed. Big Show makes his way out, both belt-less and Jericho-less. He says that tonight's host promised that one RAW superstar would get their wish granted, and Show decided it should be him. So out you come you real Santa! He wants his friggin' wish! Another Santa comes out and he has The Bellas with him. Santa gets in the ring, and wishes us a Merry Xmas, before noting how big Show is. I think Santa is quite clearly Jericho. Big Show said he had been a good boy. And he wanted his best friend and tag partner Chris JEricho back on RAW. I think you'll find Jericho is sat on your lap. "Santa" said JEricho had been a bad boy and talked forever. Big Show said it was what he REALLY wanted. Please??? The crowd had cottoned on, and Santa said that he would grant the wish and Jericho would be back on the show next week. Big Show gave Santa a hug when Hornswaggle got in the ring. He pulled off Santa's beard to reveal it was Jericho before diving back under the ring to escape. And then instead all the midgets came out dressed in DX army merchendise! Jericho stripped down to remove some padding before the midgets charged. JeriShow managed to dump most of them, although one held onto Jericho for dear life. Big Show teased some dwarf tossing, but hit a side slam instead. He picked the little person up by the foot and passed him to refs over the top rope. They grabbed Hornswaggle and cornered him. Hornswaggle started to tune up the band, and hit Sweet SHIN Music, but then DX ran out and made the save when Big Show was about to chokeslam him. HHH dumped Jericho before hitting a double suplex to dump Show out. DX picked up microphones as the crowd chanted for DX. HHH said that to Sahwn that they should squash Honry. HBK said it was Christmas! HHH wanted to squash him for Xmas. But Shawn was in a Christian mood, and admitted Hornswaggle was growing on him. Hunter admitted he didn't hate him as much as he did either. HBK admitted they said he had to do somehting big. CAN WE KEEP HIM? HBK promised to feed him and take him for walkies and stuff. HHH said there was a height requirement for DX. Michaels had an idea. The deal was that if Hornswaggle dropped the court thing and they made him the official DX Mascot. Hornswaggle jumped at that idea, and Hornswaggle even let out a SUCK IT!!!!! The trio then hit the crothc chop pyro and they added a snowing effect to the screen (but clearly nto the arena) as the show ended!
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...
Lance
Cade D-Ray
3000 Bobby
Eaton Manny
Fernandez Greg Gagne Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Harley
Race Dave Taylor
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