Aaron Wood's R(eal Time)AW Coverage: Doin' The Lambeth Walk, Oi!

Hello my Gathering! Yes, it's not the dulcet tones of Mallory Mahling. If writing has dulcet tones that is. I don't suppose it can. Anyway, I genuinely don't know where Mallory is tonight to make a completely silly joke, so indeed, she could be off to her new job as a concubine for the President of San Marino. She really could be.

But hey, when the WWE is in their neck of the woods, you're as well as asking a Brit to stay up until 4am to real time a show that finished taping, and hell, by this point, chances are all the wrestlers are in bed themselves! Because yes, the WWE is in jolly ol' England this week for their semi-annual UK TV tapings. As it turns out, I already know that the November TV shows will be in my favourite English city, Manchester, so will all luck and hope I'll be there personally. I better get to go. I had to suffer through Sheffield. But now is now, so let's head to the O2 in London to see what they all taped earlier!

By the way, on a personal note, I watched the Joan Rivers Comedy Roast earlier tonight. That had to be some of the funniest stuff I've ever heard. I'm just quite pissed that I missed the broadcast of the William Shatner Roast last night. Oh well, Amazon.com, here I come!

Hello again everyone? Just come over from the Impact review, because even in print you couldn't stand no more? Well, first of all, that's not our lovely Jana's fault. And anyway, don't worry, Uncle Aaron is here to soothe you with the real WWE, not the faux one. That said, I wouldn't blame you if you went right to "24", since they actually managed to pull a couple of really good episodes out of their cliched asses last week. I guess the How I Met Your Mother/Big Bang Theory/Two & A Half Men triumverate is pretty much done as well. Well, hey, if you aren't watching this second pre-taped wrestling show this week, stick with me and I'll see you right. A repeat showing of Vintage Collection (the review of which was admirably handled by Chris Cooley) is just about to finish, and RAW is after that, so for the sake of an ad break, here we go!

So here we are, live from Londinium, and the white elephant once known as the Millenium Dome. It's your usual UK setup, with a great big Union flag at the side. Right off the bat, Orton vs. Batista is announced. The crowd is chanting for "Hoff", at the TitanTron's prompt, We see some Undertaker druid (actually obviously women) with Hoff masks. THE HOFF~! then comes out in KITT to a track I heard years ago, but Cole insists is his new track. Hoff promises a Hofftastic night and feels Hoffsome. But The Hoff has finally come back to Monday Night RAW. He heard the cries of the WWE Universe. But there wasn't enough Hoff, so tonight, you've seen him in a bunch of stuff, so we know how Hoff throws a party we'll never forget (or remember) so he was paying homage to the most watched TV show in the world, with a Baywatch babe Triple Threat Tag Team match. On a more serious note, he watched Smackdown the other night (LIES!), and noticed there was no No. 1 Contender for the World Title, and you know, if someone has been the champ twice, he deserves a shot, so hey, Randall Orton, you're stepping up. So tonight, the No. 1 contenders for the World & WWE Titles would be facing off. But to start off, another title match with the Divas!

Best. Guest GM. Ever. Yes, already...

Maryse vs. Eve Torres in a "Could this be the "Once a decade UK Title change" match?" match for the Divas Title
Eve comes out first and greets THE HOFF~! with a little dancing. Maryse comes out and starts with a bitchslap. Eve mauls the champ into the ropes, so Maryse bails and scores another slap as Eve goes after her. Back in the ring, Eve pops up and whips Maryse into the corner, but the charge is blocked. Eve with a neckbreaker, and goes up top, but whiffs on a moonsault. Maryse actually bursts out laughing at avoiding Eve's move. Nice moonsault though. Maryse paintbrushes Eve and looks for her DDT, but Eve counters with a roll through and pin for three!!!

WINNER & NEW DIVAS CHAMPION: EVE TORRES!

Well, that's a major surprise right there. I've been saying it for a while, but Eve has breakout potential in my view. Looks like someone in the back agrees.

ShoMiz is walking backstage and Miz has an announcement. OR he will in about three minutes. Wait...did someone say THREE MINUTES??? Oh sorry, Bischoff's on that other show now, isn't he?

We're back, and so are ShoMiz. Show says that before the announcement, when they first teamed, he wasn't sure they'd work out, but after Mania and last week, he's changed his opinion. They could be special as a tag team. Miz said he was amazed a man so large had so little ego. No one had taken the titles from them. So it was safe to say that ShoMiz was the Greatest Tag Team in WWE History. What? You're booing that? REALLY? Who better than Miz Show? Who better than ShoMiz? Miz said the crowd could name all the teams they wanted, but they didn't have any cred. So let Miz repeat himself. He did, but half way in, he started doing an impression of Bret Hart's music. Oh no, wait, it IS BRET FREAKIN' HART! Yes, he's in London! naturally enough, the crowd pop huge. Bret asks for a break in the "Best Team of all time stakes". Bret can think of two. First of all, the Hart Foundation. Secondly, Los Conquistadors! Oh no wait, he said The British Bulldogs. Damn my deafness. Miz said that Hoff wasn't the only 90's relic in the house. And if ShoMiz faced the Foundation, he's beat Bret quicker than he could put crappy sunglasses on an ugly kid and the Bulldogs would get slapped in their ugly British faces. Big Show warned Bret to leave, but Bret said he knew a team of today that could beat ShoMiz. This brought out the Hart Dynasty!

Miz said they didn't get to show up, unlike them. Bret said he invited them, before noting he faced David's daddy in Wembley. Miz wonders the relevance of this, but DH Smith said everyone knows his father was watching. So he was laying down a challenge. Canadian Bulldog vs. Miz tonight. Smith wins, and the Dynasty get a Tag Title match at the PPV. ShoMiz confer on the challenge, and Miz clearly has an idea. And it is that he sees an opportunity, so DH was ON, but with one proviso. When Miz wins, Bret Hart has to declare that ShoMiz is the greatest Tag Team of all time. Now it was time for the Dynasty to huddle up. they break, and Bret says they're on. And according to Jerry Lawler, it's next. Who put him in charge of scheduling?

The Miz vs. David Hart Smith in a "There's a somewhat ironic reflection here in that this is just like me and Canadian Bulldog. Because I'm awesome and DH Smith is THE REAL CANADIAN BULLDOG~!..." match
Off break, we join the match in progress as Smith is in control. Nice pair of waistlock takedowns by Smith, but Miz elbows out. He runs intto a shoulder block and whips Miz into the corner. Miz blocks a charge, but gets back dropped for his troubles. Smith sets Miz up on the ropes, and Nattie gets a shot in. Smith hits his father's delayed vertical suplex for a 2 count. However, Miz kicks out the knee and takes control with his clothesline in the corner. Miz comes off the top with a double axe handle for a 2 count. Miz with crossfaces and a chinlock. Smith gets up and runs Miz into the corner, and then pushes off a bulldog attempt. Smith blocks punches and hits his own, starting a slugfest, but Smith powers up and begins to build momentum. Scoop slam picks up 2 for Bulldog.Smith takes the legs for the sharpshooter, but Miz kicks off and cradles him on the comeback for 2. Belly to belly by Smith for 2. Bulldog charges the corner and misses and Miz hits another clothesline. Again, Miz heads up, but this time he eats a big boot. Smith again looks for the sharpshooter, and locks it on, but Show gets on the apron for the distraction. Kidd runs into a KO Punch. Show rolls Kidd into the ring, and while the ref deals with Tyson, Show punches Smith in the kidneys and Miz hits the SkulL crushing Finale for the win.

WINNER: THE MIZ

So next week in the Meadowlands, he's gonna have to say that ShoMiz are the greatest team of all time... After replays, the champs hold up their titles, and Big Show is the happiest man on earth.

We're back, and there's a big red bus. That means London! Shoelace sends it back to last week and David Otunga's night guest hosting RAW.

We cut to see Batista and Otunga chilling randomly in the corridor. They chat randomly about how great they are. Batista then asks for a cup of coffee. Otunga thought he was kidding, but says he was getting one anyway. He turns round into the Bellas and THE HOFF~!. Hoff wonders if David knows why Otunga was invited. David assumes it's because he's great. Hoff says that wasn't actually him, but John Cena who invited him. And he's arranged a match. David Otunga vs. John Cena. KITT, who is also randomly backstage right by Otunga & Batista, estimates it'll take Cena 22 seconds to win. THE HOFF~! mocks Otunga and then tells the Bellas a story about wrestling a shark as we take a break.

We're back and it's time to take to the air, while Lawler has a coughing fit!

Evan Bourne vs. Carlito in a "Hang on, what are they doing airing a dark match?" match
Bourne comes out, while Carlito is already in the ring. And the match is sponsored by the new KFC "Sandwich" with no bread. I want that mammajammer! Carlito takes control right away. But he misses a corner charge and Bourne vaults into a headscissors. Carlito scores some sort of spinebuster as Cole reels off Knight Rider stuff. Carlito stomps away for a quick 2 count before locking on a chinlock. Bourne kicks out, but runs into a big boot. That picks up a 2 count. Back suplex by Carlito for another 2. Carlito pounds away in the corner, but gets kicked in the legs before Bourne puts in some shots. Evan is cut off again, but avoids the springboard back elbow and gets a headscissors before hitting a running boot to Carlito in the corner. Carlito hiptosses Evan into the corner. Carlito puts Bourne up top and looks for the Backstabber, but Bourne holds on, so Carlito crashes. Evan turns round and hit Air Bourne for the win.

WINNER: EVAN BOURNE

Evan's pleased. Carlito? Not so much. Cena vs. Jennifer Hudson's Baby Daddy is next.

Did you know...that on Wrestlemania Sunday, people searched the Internet for "Wrestlemania" on Google? I wonder if "Wrestlemania Live Stream" was the second placed search...

John Cena vs. David Otunga in a "Just "graduate" him off NXT already! We get it!" match
Cena's all about the business tonight as he doesn't bother with a promo. Meanwhile, Otunga comes out, oddly enough, to the NXT theme, rather than R-Truth's. Yeah, don't you remember? R-Truth is his pro. I know, it's an easy forget these days. More interestingly however, Batista comes out with him, although he stops on the stage.

Cena picks a leg and scores a takedown, before locking on a chinlock. Cena continues to actually out-wrestle Otunga (not hard), as he works a couple of holds, before snapmaring into another chinlock, trapping Ortunga's arms for a couple of seconds. Cena then gets another takedown for a quick count. This actually gets the crowd on Cena's side. Test of Strength. Otunga got a shot in, but Cena fired back with some of his own. Suplexes by Cena. Cena dumps Otunga down as Batista's presence gets to him and Cena offers a fight. Batista's having none of it, so Cena clotheslines Otunga and locks in the STF, facing Batista's direction for the win.

WINNER: JOHN CENA

Knew this would be quick, but I didn't think it'd be such a squash. Or that Cena would be the new Kurt Angle.

Batista strips off his top half, and calls for the spotlight, saying he says when they fight. Crowd are chanting "You Tapped Out" at Deacon Dave, so he turns round and walks off, so Cena celebrates with his belt. However, Cole reminds us that Batista is in action later.

But still to come, a "Baywatch Babe" Triple Threat Tag Team Divas match. Lawler thinks it has Match Of The Year Potential. don't wish to pre-judge, but I think HBK/Taker will get a few more votes.

There's the Houses of Parliament. They even talk about the General Election coming up. God forbid we get a Tory Government.

Sheamus is out and is cutting a promo. Let me guess, the Irish are great, and the English aren't. No wait, Sheamus said that HHH told him not to bring a pipe to a sledgehammer fight, but he just showed his hand, and Sheamus is thinking that HHH is scared. And hey, he just heard that he was facing HHH in a Street Fight. He grew up on the streets on Dublin, where it's tougher than the US, and certainly tougher than England (there it is), so Hunter, by showing up at the PPV, he'll be the one making the mistake and one he'd regret for the rest of his career. And here comes Kofi, so that's our match. But Kofi has a mic as well. Hey, Sheamus, it's funny you talking about mistakes, because if you think that Kofi is letting last week's beeating lie, then he's mitaken. Sheamus said if Kofi didn't turn around...Kofi jumped in and said Hoff was allowing him some payback with a match tonight.

Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus in a "Now Paul Burchill's gone, I suppose this is as close we get to a Brit on this show (I know there is still Katie Lea, but hey, let's be realistic...She's not getting on TV...)" match
Kofi gets a kick to the leg to start that backs Sheamus up. Sheamus gets a side headlock, but is pushed off and hit with a couple more kicks. Dropkick by Kofi, who then avoids Sheamus's charge that sends him out. Kofi blocks a ram into the turnbuckle from the apron and puts Sheamus down for 2, but runs into the Polish Hammer for a 2 count. Sheamus hits a knee to the head while Kofi is in the ropes. Lawler tries to say that Sheamus wasn't pinned at Elimination Chamber, even though that's the whole basis for the feud with HHH. But then he said Kofi had a great first year last year as well. Sorry, I digress with the idiocy. Sheamus is in control. Club to the back from the outside. Kofi blocks a suplex to take him out the ring, and then ducks a shots and scores with more kicks.Kofi hits another dropkick and flying forearm. Kingston with the Boom Drop. Kofi looks to finish, but elects for the mounted punches in the corner when Sheamus crawls up the corner. Sheamus misses the pump kick, and Kofi scores with Trouble In Paradise, but Sheamus grabbed the bottom rope at 2!

Sheamus crawled out and collapsed, but Sheamus hit Kofi with a monitor in the gut and then the head for the DQ.

WINNER BY DQ: KOFI KINGSTON

After taking some time to recover, Sheamus runs Kofi, back-first, into the ringpost. Then the mick runs him Gut first into it, leaving Kofi open for the bicycle kick to the head. Post replay, Sheamus promises Kofi's fate to be the same as HHH's.

Carlito storms in THE HOFF~!'s office only to be met with Kozlov, who annoyed he's not been given competition. Carlito says that the guest hosts don't care about them. Carlito said if he doesn't get traded to Smackdown, he quits. Kozlov asks about next week's hosts, and Carlito notes it's the cast of MacGruber. Kozlov says he'll get what he wants or he's taking MacGruber out.

Cole & King talk about the current Extreme Rules card. Apparently, Swagger vs. Orton is Extreme Rules. You know, the Extreme Rules stip. This sends it to an awake Josh Matthews who asks Orton about his match. Randy says there are no rules and he's good with that. He's put a dozen people in the hospital, because he doesn't play by the rules. He was the last person Swagger should want to step in the ring with. But that was business. But tonight and Batista, that was different. That was something he's looked forward to for a long time. Thankfully, Josh doesn't then get randomly taken out.

Hoff comes out as the "Special Guest Lifeguard" wearing the old red jacket from Baywatch, and climbs up a high chair to his position.

Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim vs. Jillian Hall & Rosa Mendes vs. The Bella Twins in a "If this match isn't in slow motion, I'm writing a strongly worded e-mail to WWE in the morning..." Baywatch Babes match
Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim come out in red bikinis and in slow motion as we go to a break! YES! AWESOME!

We're back and we get the Bella Twins doing the Baywatch run out. Jillian & Rosa are out during the break. And there's more, as the referee is Santino Marella! He also runs in slow motion. Thing is, he should have just done it in slow motion in real time. Kelly & Jillian start off, and it's a blonde on blonde shoving match before Kelly hits a tilta-a-whirl headscissors. One of the Bellas comes in and scores a dropkick for a 2 count. Rosa gets a handful of hair allowing Jillian to hit Bella with a Samoan Drop for 2. Rosa tags in and goes to work. She hits a nice suplex for 2. Bella slips behind Rosa and schoolgirls her for 2. It all breaks down, and the Bellas switch while Snatino deals with Kelly, and the Bella in the ring (GOD KNOWS WHICH ONE) gets the cradle for three!

WINNERS: THE BELLA TWINS

Jillian is pissed, and shoves Santino, who swallows hiswhistle. He drops down. THE HOFF~! calls for help, and it's Hornswaggle the Lifeguard! He runs out and stand over Santino, and tries some piss poor CPR. He then yanks on the whistle's chain, which doesn't work, so instead, he hits the Tadpole Splash! This saves Santino's life and all is well with THE HOFF~!.

So yeah, next week, it's the cast of MacGruber. That film looks awesome. And hey, the WWE have been in Europe all week. Here's a video on that.

Randy Orton vs. Batista in a "I've always hated doing these things for real time. Especially when you can't think of a comedy headline off the top of your head on the spot." match
Orton is out first, followed by Batista. Naturally. Anyone else would have been weird. The former Evolvers have a staredown before they lock up. It ends up in the corner, so they try again, and again, Dave takes it into the corner. Orton grabs a headlock, before spinning around into a drop toe hold. Another side headlock for Orton, but Batista powers him into the ropes to force the break. Orton lays in some shots that drives Batista out.He runs back in, but runs into VINTAGE~! Orton, with the backbreaker and Orton stomp, but the knee drop was avoided. Orton was sent into the ringpost as we took our final break.

Back and Orton's in an armbar. He gets dumped in the corner and driven with a shoulder to the gut. Clubbing blow to the chest, a la Taker, on the apron by Batista. He then hits a boot to the head as well. Doesn't bother to finish with a leg drop though. No. Just a 2 count. Batista with a facelock, but Orton fights out, although Randy is hit with a clothesline. Batista clears the announce desk, before dragging Orton out. However, Orton cuts Batista off and rams Dave's head into it. Coming back in though, Batista catches Orton with a kick. Yet another boot to the head picks up 2 for The Altered Beast. Batista sets for the spear, but Orton counters with a kick and sends Batista into the corner himself. Crowd want an RKO, but not yet, as they trade shots. Batista with a knee to the gut, but his corner charge is blocked and Orton scores with clotheslines. Batista blocks a charge, but Randy slips out a powerslam and scores with a scoop slam. Orton now feels it and sets for the RKO. However, he then spies the announce desk. However, he then considers the punt, but Batista rolled out. Batista scored with an eye rake on the outside, but Orotn caught Batista coming back in and hit the elevated DDT. However, that just picked up 2 as well. So again, Orton went down for the RKO. Batista pushed off it though and hit the spinebuster. So he called for the Batista Bomb. However, out of nowhere, Orton hit the RKO! However, as he made a cover, Swagger ran in for the DQ!

WINNER BY DQ: BATISTA

Swagger hit the Gutwrench Powerbomb on Orton. Funny note, he actually wrestled in Nottingham earlier in the night in the opener, so he had to bomb it from Nottingham to London quick style.

However, as Swagger headed up the ramp, John Cena ran him down and locked the STF on the downed Batista!!! A quartet of referees tried to break the hold, and eventually did. Cena then counted to ten as Batista lay there, signalling that Batista coule easily lose as the show ended.

Very decent show tonight, but the lack of crowd energy killed big chunks of it. I've noticed that about London shows. They tend to be really quiet for anything other than STARZ~!. Which makes it slightly odd that no matter what, London gets TV tapings every year. Anyway, I'm outta here. Assuming that Mallory isn't in fact banging members of the San Marinan Parliament, she'll be back next week.