| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com JG's Raw Insanity
Monday Morning…Titan Tower….
Vince McMahon: …so the kid goes, "You said we did it all for a show." Then he f**kin' throws up! Right there on TV.
Triple H: No.
Vince: Yes! Right there. Blah. On the floor.
Hunter: That's crazy.
Shane McMahon: So…why are you telling us this?
Vince: I booked him to host Raw next month.
Hunter: Ha ha. That's awesome! You can have him book Big Show in a match and then say, "We did it all for the Big Show." Then he can throw up.
Vince: Yeah.
Hunter: Oooo! Oooo! And then for his entrance - get a big balloon to fly him to the ring!
Vince: That's great!
Hunter: Oh! Oh! Then you can let me pin him!
Vince: (scowl) We'll talk about that. Right now we have potential celebrity guest hosts to meet with. Gotta check these people out. This round is mostly reality people. Maybe one of them will have the skills of Zenaida Gonzalez from Access Hollywood.
Shane: Her name is Maria
Menounos.
Vince: That's what I said. Now let's just bring in the first person.
Jon Gosselin from John and Kate Plus 8 comes in.
Vince: Who the hell are you?!
Jon Gosselin: I'm Jon.
Hunter: Oh! That's who this is. I thought he was someone else.
Vince: Yeah. Me too. We thought you were a cartoon baby goose.
Jon: I, uh...what?
Vince: Like a giant cartoon one. Baby goose, but big size. From Nick Jr or some crap.
Shane: Are you guys thinking of a gosling?
Vince: Yeah. I guess so. I thought he was one of those from the name and figured the kids would get a kick out of it. He could swim to the ring and honk or whatever.
Jon: So are we done here?
Hunter: Not unless you grow a beak and lay an egg, bitch.
Jon gets up and walks out.
Shane: You honestly thought he was supposed to be a cartoon goose? Honestly?
Vince: (smiling) You're counting the days, aren't ya? Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Shane: Let's just meet the next one. This is New York from VH1.
New York: (running in and angry) Where the hell is my damn bottled water!? This mother f**ker gets bottled water! Where's my bottled water?
Hunter: What did you call me?
New York: You heard me. Now you need to turn around 'cause I'm not hearing you like that.
Vince: I like her.
New York: Well then maybe you can get me a bottle of water then before I take it from this guy with the dumb-ass hairdo over here.
Hunter: (flipping the table) WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY!?
New York: (running for cover) Ah! You're crazy!
Hunter: (screaming and spitting) My hair is awesome! HOW DARE YOU!
New York darts from the room. Shane and Vince stop short and stare at Triple H, who begins to calm down and breathe.
Vince: Little touchy there?
Hunter: It's…just, I just put a lot of work into it and…can we just bring in the next person, please?
Shane: (looking around at the floor) You couldn't have taken the bowl of jellybeans off the table before you flipped it?
Hunter: I said can we just bring in the next person please?!
Vince: (smiling at Shane) Countin' down, huh? Is it January yet?
Super Nanny walks into the room.
Shane: This is Jo Frost - TV's Super Nanny.
Vince: Take a seat. Tell us a little about yourself.
Super Nanny: (looking around in shock) Oh my. There're so many candy beans on the floor.
Hunter: That's where they live. They're floor candy. Shut up. Now let me ask you a question, supposed-Super Nanny. If you're so super, can you kick my ass?
Nanny: Uh…that's not what I do. I show families how to cope with their little ones.
Vince: You mean don't kick his ass because you use your powers to do it instead, right?
Nanny: My powers?
Hunter: Yeah. Superpowers. Do you fly or something? That guy on Heroes can travel through time and speak Japanese.
Vince: I don't think Japanese is part of his powers.
Hunter: Seems like a power to me. I can't speak it.
Vince: How does that even make sense? Just because you can't do it doesn't make it a power.
Hunter: But I'm very powerful. So if I can't do something then it must be.
Vince: That's not what superpower means.
Hunter: America is a superpower, right? So it means like a country.
Vince: What? That's a different thing altogether. Look…
Vince and Hunter continue bickering. Super Nanny looks up at Shane.
Nanny: (whispering to Shane) Should I just sneak out while they argue?
Shane: (whispering) Yes. Go. I have to wait until January, but you can leave anytime. Run. Save yourself.
Super Nanny flies from the room.
Vince: (looking up) Hey. Wasn't there just someone here?
Shane: Yeah. She left.
Hunter: Oh. Do we have time to break for lunch? I'm in the mood for jellybeans and Wendy's.
Vince: Do we have anyone else waiting?
Shane: Just Casey Kasem, Mario Cantone, and the crazy guy who punched Leona Lewis in the face.
Hunter: (getting up) Wendy's it is. Maybe I'll order in Japanese since everyone can do it and it's not a super power.
Vince: How do you not get what I'm saying to you?!
ClubWWI.com
Members...check out Canadian Bulldog's Bragging Rights Review and then....
Tomorrow...
"At the end of the day, for Ted DiBiase, he can preach all he wants. He can talk about God all he wants. But his God is spelled M-O-N-E-Y." - Paul Roma
"Please tell Paul Roma that's he's got it wrong all the way around, including how much I'm paid for going back and making an appearance. And the Million Dollar Man, well, that would be my son in the not so distant future!!" - Ted DiBiase
Paul Responds...
ClubWWI.com:
Responding To Ted DiBiase, Sleazy Angles WWE Has Done Since Ted's Been Back, Vince McMahon vs. God, The Reason Ted Responded, Eric Bischoff: Moron, The "Sad Pathetic Joke" of Women's Wrestling, Hulk Hogan's "Attempted" Suicide, Billy Kidman's Morphine Gimmick, The Wrestler Who Wanted The IC Title Win Instead of Honky Tonk Man, When Steve Austin Told Him That He Was Jumping To WWF, What Ted Turner Said About Selling To Vince McMahon Free (and Frank) Advice To WWE, Randy Orton Saying That Eddie Guerrero's In Hell, The Infamous WCW Musical Belts Orlando Tapings, Turning On Arn Anderson, When Triple H Looks Like Ultimate Warrior's Genitals, The Original ECW, Stone Cold's Rolling Stone Article, Rick Rude, Paul Orndorff, Ted DiBiase Jr, and More
(JG Note: If you're wondering what type of audio to expect from Paul Roma tomorrow on
ClubWWI.com, all I can say is that I've never heard someone say that Triple H looks like "The Ultimate Warrior's penis." So...yeah. Gear up. This is a good one.)
Click Here To Join ClubWWI.com!
Last Night at Bragging Rights…Raw won the seven on seven Bragging Rights Match when Big Show turned on Raw. Smackdown wins a cup. Not the kind you wear, the kind you drink out of. Hopefully you know there's a difference. Also at Bragging Rights, John Cena defeated Randy Orton to become the new WWE Champion. It's things like this that make Cena's "You Can't See Me" line funny. Why? Because many people can't see it because they're not paying 40 friggin' dollars every three weeks to watch television when there're 1000 channels on TV. Word life. This is basic economics. Raw Theme Plays. After the guy sings, "I just wanna be, wanna be, l-uh-uh-ved," Harvey Firestein should jump in and go, "Is that so WAHROUNG?"
*** Hello everyone! Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are at ringside. Bragging Right is over…are over? Bragging Rights are over? Is that right? No. Is. Is over. Is that right? Bragging Right is over. Are over. Whatever. We're done with Bragging Rights. It's over. Happened last night. You missed it. The next pay-per-view is Survivor Series. It starts in about an hour. Big Show and Chris Jericho are all in blue and hold the Bragging Rights Drinking Cup in their hands as they approach the ring. The Blue Boys are fresh off of a Smackdown party in Pittsburgh and they're greeted by a chorus of boos. "Look, I just wanted to say that despite what happened last night at Bragging Rights, I am still a proud member of the Raw roster and everything I did was because…" Whoa. Hold up, Biggie. You don't need to explain yourself. Chris Jericho knows why you did it. You did it because you're loyal and have honour. You are Jericho's favourite wrestler. Colour him your buddy, eh! Show tries to get a word in edgewise, but Jericho is on a roll. Chris points to DX's absence during the first six minutes of the show as something the Giant did himself. He ousted the duo all by his lonesome. Again, Wight tries to talk but is cut off by Y2J. This time, the Showster jumps in to the discussion and reminds his partner that he did what he did not for Smackdown. He did it for himself. The big man is looking out for number one. That number one is seven foot whatever and he's got no hair. That Bald Bull went to Teddy Long before the PPV and made a deal. Because of what happened, the largest athlete in the world has earned himself a title match against the Under Friggin' Taker! This sends Fozzy into a tizzy. He tells his championship partner that he didn't clear this with him. This sends us into an argument that includes this line: "You can eat low calorie food, I'll tell you that right now." Ha ha. Low calorie foods. But they don't taste as good. Then, there's a revving. It's vroom vroom cars and it's this week's hosts - NASCAR drivers Kyle Busch and Joey Lagano. Yeah. How ironic is it that Bob Holly worked here for 20 years and the one time he would be relevant, he's gone? Anyway, the two young men in racing slickers have some big news for Big Show, Kyle may not agree with your actions. But he knows where you're coming from. In a terrible moment that I can't really explain, Busch and Lagano tear into JericShow with all the passion of a fourth grade play. Kyle likes Show. Joey doesn't. They exchange weak barbs and…let's just be honest here. Either you like these guys from watching them race or you hated this segment. That's it. It was that bad. If any veterans are watching at home, they're kicking their cable box. Kyle played heel while Joey played the baby face. Bad acting aside, the gist was dueling General Managers. It would be a great idea if they had two people who could play the role. It's amazing that WWE claims to be an Entertainment company but they run out and get people with no acting ability whatsoever to do prolonged one-act plays. Lagano makes his match. It's Andre The Giant's fake kid against Triple H. Yup. Show vs. Hunter - tonight. That's good. But I just wish someone would book a match with someone who has five names. "I'm putting you, Chris Jericho, against Kofi Johnson, Kingston. Kofi Kingston." Yikes. These two seem like nice kids, but what the hell? Seriously. I was waiting for one of them to put their hands over their face, giggle, and say, "No. Stop. Turn off the camera. Hee hee. I'm gonna pee." Commercial Break. I bet Triple H secretly thinks that the Rock's movie, "Game Plan," is some sort of veiled shot at him. Kofi, I have your sword. Your sword for the next gimmick. Vince said that first you were Jamaican. Now you're African. If that doesn't work out, they're going to make you a Somali Pirate. Didn't you know? No. Oh. Uh…hahah. I, uh, guess that part was a secret. Anyway…hmmm. Wow. It's getting late. OK. Gotta go. You take care, mon. 1. Kofi Kingston pinned Chris Jericho after The Trouble in Paradise How many people are going to harp on that whole Kofi Johnson thing? Lots. That's how many. You saw how people went insane over "SummerFest." Chris may have wished that he was fighting Kofi Johnson instead once Kingston started knocking him around the ring. Kofi ranks really high on my list of future stars. There's just something likable about him. He seems genuine and his facial expressions are really pronounced. He's still green, but he has tons of potential. Also, if Booker T ever does return to WWE, I can't imagine they wouldn't put them together to do some bug-eyed dreadlocks stare down. As for Jeicho, he's really emerged as a go-to guy in this company. He's one of the last of that style that excited so many in the late 90s. He knows how to have good battles both in and out of the ring. Either on the mic or in a match, he consistently delivers. This one goes through two commercial breaks and features a lot of back and forth action. It did get a bit slow at the end and seemed to be a bit off, but quickly picked up again when the pace got going. Double K did the chop, kick, jump deal. Then it got really slow and awkward again. But they recovered and thanks to a hot crowd kept the excitement in the air. A series of near falls helped their cause and the fans were waiting for the big finish. When Kingston finally hit the Trouble in Paradise, they were cheering the three count. We follow up with the S.O.S. song. It's one of the songs played on Smackdown vs. Raw 2010's menus. It's also been stuck in my head on and off since I got the damn thing. So here I am talking about video games and such nonsense while Randy Orton is losing his ever-loving mind and attacking Kofi Kingston. As the former Jamaican made his way up the ramp in victory, the Viper tossed him down to the ground below… …only he didn't land on his back. He landed on his feet and ran into the stage. It looked a bit lame, but still got the point across. Randy Orton is nuts. Still to come: The Big Show versus The Biggest Show Because He Owns The Show. Commercial Break. I'm thinking of selling five dollar footballs. I could just steal the Subway jingle. I figure it's already in people's minds. Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot-bawwwwls. Could they sue me for that? Who's gonna tell? You gonna rat me out? You bastard. In the parking lot, Josh Matthews is friggin' crazy too because he asks Randy Orton why he attacked Kofi Kingston earlier. Orton blames Kofi for his title loss last night. Without the Coffee Kegstand, Dandy Randy would still have the spinny belt. Before the son of an Ace Cowboy can fly off the handle, Legacy arrives. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase both have nothing but good things to say to the former Champ. In fact, check it out, pal. They got you a present… …a racecar with Orton's image airbrushed on it. It really looked amazing and the never humbled RKO kid seemed blown away by the gesture. He couldn't believe that they would buy him such a gift. Where'd they get the money? "I am the son of the Million Dollar Man." The racers are babbling away backstage when Jack Swagger interrupts their interview with Eve. Jack compares himself to the two mini-speeders and tries to get in their good graces by claiming that they're all winners. Since you guys are hosts, why not book Swag against Cena tonight? Sure, he may have wrestled for an hour last night, but he should have to defend the title against the All American American tonight! That was soooo 24 hours ago. Now is now. Kyle and Joey agree to consider Jackie for contentendership at Survivor Series… …Hoorah? Did someone say hair gel and hoorah? Good. Because Miz is here and the U.S. Champion wants to throw his hat in the ring. It's all very forced and although I'm trying to review the important parts, it has to be said, it's painful. Busch and Logano are just not cut out for this. You don't take untrained people and put them in acting roles on live television and then call yourself an entertainment company. They call themselves that when arguing about how the business has changed, right? We say "do more wrestling!" Then they say, "But we're an entertainment company!" OK. Fine. I don't know too many entertainment companies that would piss money away with something like this. NASCAR racers do a walk-on for Desperate Housewives or something and say maybe five lines that are edited to death to make them look good. On Raw, they all have to be master thespians in the most unforgiving environment imaginable. Doesn't seem fair and doesn't seem like a good use of resources. That's not new school. That's not old school. That's just common f'n sense. Santino is walking with Melina. They've dusted off the MnM paparazzi props for a backstage walking clip as we head to commercial. Commercial Break. What's so weird about staring at goats? I do it all the time. Why is that a movie? I drive to farms and just stare at them. Doesn't everyone? Huh? What? No? Oh…uh. I was kidding. I hate goats. Whatever. I don't even…I was, just, I was just kidding. Sheamus is Irish but he's not Finlay. The Celtic Warrior debuts tonight. I guess it's a matter of time before Larry Byrd hosts Raw now. The ring introductions begins for the next bout and Jerry Lawler has what therapists call a breakthrough during Melinarella's entrance… "I wish I had a pick up line that worked on Ma…lina? I almost said Marella." Uh oh. Michael Cole and the King laugh about it and we head to the match. 2. Melina and Santino defeated Jillian and Chavo Guerrero when Melina pinned Jill Hey….here's something that hasn't been said much. I think Michael Cole has improved by leaps and bounds in the last few years. His interaction with Jerry before the match proved that. Now with his self mocking "Vintage" gimmick, it's a sign that he's reached a point where he can look back at his old style and laugh. He's in no way the greatest announcer in the history of headsets, but he seems comfortable now and it's less forced when he delivers emotion. Good going, Cole. Now keep it up or we'll send Heidenreich back to shovel your Cole, if you know what I mean. Do you? 'Cause I don’t. Sounds pretty terrible though. Santino shouldn't be a baby face. Part of his charm is that he's attacking the good guys and you don't want to laugh, but have to. His delivery is great, but when you play the good guy character in that sense, you almost have to force it. That's what he does now. It's just unnatural. The crowd was dead for most of this too. Melina and Jillian messed up big time. Everything they did fell apart. In fact, the only thing that got a pop was Hornswoggle dressed as Shawn Michaels showing up at ringside. (JG Note: What the hell does that say about this match?! ) It was so bad that by the time Melina hit her finisher, she let out a scream that was so loud that it echoed in the silent arena. One, two, three - Thank God for the leprechaun. After the bell, said leprechaun celebrated with Mel and Santino. That's when some guy in a suit walked in and handed Swoggle a legal document in a bright green envelope. Horny rolled from the ring and sat on Jerry Lawler's lap. Ol' King, Cole, was a very old soul and he knew how to read legal docs. So Jerry scanned them and informed the little guy that it's a Cease and Desist order from DX…to stop wearing their outfits to the ring. Hornswoggle, who is brain-damaged, doesn't seem to get it, but that's that. No more wearing DeGeneration X clothes. You're too small and smelly and no one likes you so ha. On a side note, that story about Ron Killings not being allowed to wear camouflage because DX does it seems peculiar now. Also, I wonder if all the WWE Cease and Desist letters are in bright green. Seems like it would take some of the sting out of it when they deliver it to retirees who try to sign autographs in a VFW hall.. Like, oooo, green. Fun! Commercial Break. There's a "Crawfish Festival" at Popeyes. I feel bad for people going there and expecting a festival. Justin "The Snustin" Roberts welcomes the winner of last night's Iron Man Match, John Cena. Instead, he gets Legacy. It's a new day. It's a new generation. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase hit the ring and they know the people are not happy to see them, but really, who gives a flying elbow. Listen to what they say about it… "And just because Randy can't fight Cena for the WWE Title, we can. That's why at Survivor Series, we are bringing back the WWE Championship to Legacy, where it belongs." DiBiase lays down the law for Dr. Thuggy. They didn't ask the guest hosts for any permission. Screw them. They're like ten years old. This is a challenge to you, boo. Face one of Legacy…or both of legacy tonight. Tell you what, pal, if you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, if you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you'd like making love at midnight, and if you've got the guts…come out here right now! John Cena does love him some pina colada. The Champ arrives and with his beats pounding on the P.A., his Thugship shakes his head and addresses the American Million Dollar Dream Babies. "Boys, I don't have to brag about what happened last night. Last night was exactly what it needed to be. It was the best in WWE competing in one final showdown. " Cena delivers his monologue like the kids of South Park mocking him. In fact, he parodies himself better than they do. With the inflection of a street preacher, Johnny Boy reminds us that the epic bout ended their feud. So now, the night after, we're all tuning in to see who might challenge the new Champion. Then, in a sad turn of events, it might be these two jokers? With that, he lays out the truth. Then the 12 Rounder makes what can best be described as a Freudian Slip… "How long have we been going around in circles? 12 years? Enough! Right now I'm gonna hit the both of you with some truth. Last night I beat Randy Orton and earned the right to say no more! You two come out here and make all the empty challenges you want. You tell all these people how you're gonna take this belt back to Legacy. But if you want a shot at this championship, you lace your boots up real tight, you fall in line like everybody else, and you work for it. That's how it's done around here." I think he said 12 years as a randomly picked large number to mock Legacy's time chasing him. When he said it, I thought he was coming down on the WWE's product for being so damn stale. Seriously. I always throw out the "12 years" number when talking about the last time wrestling was booming. For Cena to say that we've been going around in circles for 12 years is just hilarious. He's like Seinfeld. It's funny 'cause it's true! Why do people write wrestling? Whoooo arrreeee these people? So fast forward. Blah, blah, blah. "The Baby Oil Boys Club" has earned nothing in The Marine's opinion. In fact, he went to the those little NASCAR dudes backstage and put a match together. Against who? Montel! Montel! Hurry up, I need to use the bathroom! I'm COMING! OK. Nobody could stop, Ain't nobody could hold me, Ain't nobody control me. What? Come on. Get out of the bathroom. I'm COMING! OK. Well just hurry up 'cause I… I'm here to do my thang, I'm here to bring the pain, I'm never ever gon' change! DO YOU HAVE YOUR IPOD ON IN THERE?! 3. MVP and Mark Henry defeated Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase when MVP pinned DiBiase. I guess MVP and Mark Henry are working as a team. Still seems sort of weird. With the matching outfits, they've invested a lot in all this. It's not like they can just go their separate ways. One of them would have to get new gear or else it'll be strange. Plus, if one of them drops the letters up the back gimmick, they'll have to explain it. Well, the don't have to explain it. In fact, they probably wouldn’t. But we’d all bitch about it. Porter seemed to get more boos than I would expect during this one. They're popular, but they're definitely not the most over team on the roster. That's why it was so shocking when Henry clotheslined Ted and allowed Monty to follow through on his sunset flip for the victory. I hear voices in my head. They council me. They understand. They TALK TO ME! What? Randy?! Is that you? I'm in the other room watching to Dr. Phil. Is the TV too loud? Oh. That's you. I thought those voices were in my…never mind. Wow. He's good. Randy Orton is here, he's bald and he's pissed off. "Apparently, our guest hosts are trying to find the next opponent for John Cena. And it officially looks as if this next opponent will not be me. Now I understand the terms of my match last night, but I don't care. I am a former Champion and I am entitled to a rematch and I don't care if I have to take my case all the way to the board of directors." Kofi Kingston shows up on the big screen and gives some reality for The Legend Killer. Sans accent, Kingston tells Cowboy Bob's kid to embrace his loss. When Orton demands that the newbie goes face-to-face with him, Kofi reveals that he already is. For you see, the camera pans down to reveal that the former Jamiacan is standing on Randy's custom air-brushed NASCAR hood…directly over his face. That’s when the former US Champion really left a defining moment. Screaming and jumping around like the Noid from the old Domino's Commercials, Kingston went buck on the car with a crowbar. He tore it to hell and did it with such energy that it was just great. He capped it off with a bucket of red paint. Even as it reached this dramatic climax, Legacy remained in the ring crying. What girls. Commercial Break. Black Taco? Taco Bell has a black taco? How many black foods are there? There's licorice and…what? Burnt meat? I try to avoid black food. No thanks, Taco Bell. Keep your defective tortillas. Eve Torres, a.k.a. the girl you don't know but had to unlock in Smackdown vs. Raw 2010, is the guest ring announcer for the next match. Her voice doesn't work at all, but I guess they figure they're paying her. Gotta make her do something and asking her to do the laundry would just be rude. 4. Evan Bourne defeated The Miz via countout. When the grizzled veterans talk about "today's young kids," I usually think of the Miz. They should play that up more. His reality stardom makes him a natural foe for them Ole Anderson-types. Say what you want about him and his silly hair, but Mike is getting better by the week. He's looking more vicious and ever since his team with John Morrison, he's proven that he can hang on top. Sure, he didn't live out of his car and eat raw chicken and potatoes for lunch to pursue his dream of wrestling, but he's working hard to improve at it. You can see it in his work. He grounds Bourne for the bulk of the match, but Evan fires back with some really stiff looking shots. With pained expressions on their faces, these guys seemed to go full-throttle as a restless crowd started a bit of a "boring" chant. When Jack Swagger showed up at ringside, they knew why it had been boring. We were all waiting on the All American American. Mizzy runs to the ropes and kicks him away. He then jumps from the ring as the referee begins a countout. Bourne breaks all rules of count-breaking and attacks Mike outside. The ref blows it off rather than restart the count and The U.S. Champion gets counted out. Wow. It's finally here. The Miz versus Jack Swagger - The Match No One Was Waiting For. Commercial Break.
***
Next week, Ozzy and Sharon Osborne host Raw. How wonderful for them. Jamie Noble is in the ring and before his next match, he's greeted by the Grinning car guys. Kyle and Joey grit their teeth through a TitanTron promo with the Bella Twins by their side. They introduce the Noble One to his incredibly pale opponent…Seamus. 5. Seamus pinned Jamie Noble Wow. He's so damn pale. Before the match, the Celtic Warrior does a promo but I'm distracted by how off-pink he is. It's bizarre. Standing next to Jamie Noble, he looks like a poorly created wrestler in a video game. I get that it's his gimmick, but yikes. When every person on a show is tanned to the tees, it's rather startling to see someone who's not. Now, this match was bad. Nothing good came out of it. The crowd was chanting boring at some points. Even the announcers agreed to just shut their mouths and move on. When Seamus put Jamie to bed, the people were already there and sleeping. Now, before I come down on this match, I have to commend WWE. At least they mixed things up. Rather than giving us a blatant throwaway like a six diva match during the semi-main event slot, they put in this - a bout that they hyped earlier in the show. It was a good effort to change the format around. While this match wasn't anything stellar, it still was a nice change from the same old, same old. Commercial Break. Arby's has a $5.01 deal. Yes. They add an penny for their great roast beef, suace, and patty melt. They think it's witty, but it's really just them saying that their food is only worth a penny. You'd think they would have caught that, right? Yeah., Shawn They kicked me out. Even after I told the guy at Chuck E. Cheese that it's all about the Game and how you play it. What game? Skee Ball. How do you play it? Naked. Oh. Well that explains it then, doesn't it? As a result of last night's win, Smackdown has "bragging rights" for a year. It ends a year from now at whatever PPV they have. I forget the name. There's no mention of the Cease and Desist Letter from earlier as the DeGens trot to the ring covered in their merchandise. They carry green glowsticks and throw them into the crowd. At least, I think they're glowsticks. They could be canisters of plutonium. Who knows with these guys. I can't vouche for them. "Hold on a second, before we got started, I forgot to tell you something. You see, we had a little meeting with in the back and they forgot to tell you . This match has been changed a little bit and it's now a lumberjack and unfortunately, all the lumberjacks are the guys you screwed over on Raw last night." With that, Raw's dilapidated roster clears out of the locker room. It didn't look all that good. Even worse was that you had Jack Swagger walking out with Miz. Chavo walking out with Santino. Blah. Shawn Michaels then took the mic and informed us all that the match is also no disqualification. Which, I guess, means that everyone can just beat the crap out of Big Show. Why even start the match without jumping on him and punching? Making matters worse? Guest referee…. …Nailz. No. It's John Cena. Can't tell if Nailz would have been a letdown or not. He didn't have theme music so it wouldn't have gotten much of a pop. So, yeah. I think Cena wins by a narrow margin. In a nutshell, Big Show's screwed. Chris Jericho sees it all crashing down as he stands at ringside and takes his behind on a beeline to the breadline. Y2J takes off and it's time to get free punches on the big kid. 6.
Lumberjack Match: Triple H pinned Big Show after the Pedigree Tonight's guest deer-in-headlights don't make an appearance. You have to wonder if they would have been the one to make the DX announcements if they weren't so lost out there. Did someone call an audible? If they were blowing the crowd away and on fire with their delivery, you'd have to imagine they'd be all over the show. Instead, they're talked about and brushed over. As for this match, it actually starts. Again - no DQ. Guys surround the ring. Why are they just standing there? Why not run in with chairs and baseball bats wrapped in chains? It makes no sense. Move, ya goons. He's right there. He's mocking you with his giant chin whiskers. Don't you have Raw pride? Go kick his blue butt! Nope. They let nature take it's course and maintain a healthy distance like a documentary film crew. They hold their heads as the Game is pounded on by the Jolly Blue Giant. Seeing Santino at ringside really reminded you how close his outfit is to Show's. It's weird. Like they're partners. Let's hope no one was paying attention to that one, Santa. That's when the Gigantic One turned his attention to the lumberjacks. Biggie yanked Chris Masters in and knocked him out with one punch. The crowd…didn't make a peep. Nothing. Like they were in a library for mutes. They only perked up again when the Cerebral Assassin mounted a comeback. They settle down whenever he loses control and perk up less and less with each new comeback. After a long night, this match jus didn't do it. When you factor in a bouncing splash from the corner by Big Show that didn't hit at all - B.S.'s knees hit the mat and the didn't even slightly land on Hunter. Nothing. That's when the Raw roster ran in and things finally hotshotted us to the end. The audience loved that, but then again how could they not… Jack Swagger got slapped. Miz landed the running kick and got slapped. Mark Henry landed a tackle. MVP floored him with a kick. PN News slammed him with The Broken Record. Evan Bourne hit the Air Bourne. Santino tried to do his Three Stooges nonsense, but was reversed into a choke slam. Show then lost control again when… Kofi Kingston hit the Trouble in Paradise. John Cena hit the F-U. Lanny Poffo landed the Honor Roll. Shawn Michaels hit the Sweet Chin Music. The end. Not so fast. There are some NASCAR hosts that need to make one last appearance. Joey Lagano and Kyle Busch arrive to make their final choice for John Cena's Survivor Series challenger. They couldn't figure out who to choose until one little guy came along and helped them decide… Hornswoggle. Yes. A leprechaun decided the Survivor Series Main Event. He decided on John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H. Michael Cole says, "What was that?" How did he miss that? Do your job. Listen, dude. Everyone stares at each other in shock. Either over the match or the fact that two NASCAR drivers and a leprechaun booked Survivor Series. Not sure which. Fade to black. All in all…The show wasn't too bad. The guest hosts were and the rushed feeling is getting to be a bit much. Sometimes it's exhausting. For so long, we had prolonged periods of time between pay-per-views. Now it's just a constant mad dash. We're racing forward to the next show…then the next one…then the next one…at such breakneck speed that we don't even know why we're going there. These events aren't held to settle long-standing battles. No. Short-standing battles are created to fit into these scheduled events. That said, the guest host thing was terrible. I ranted all about it, so you know. It makes no sense. Don't give me the bull about not knowing entertainment and then do something that defies any logic in that sense. You'd never see a Broadway Play put a racecar driver in a lead show for the night. It's just not done. If you really care about entertainment, get people who can work your format. Get people who won't expose your business all night. Get people who have potential to be good at this. Get actors. Get reality show people who ham it up for anything that looks like a camera. Get celebrities like that. Racecar Drivers? It was good for name recognition with NASCAR fans, but there was nothing entertaining about how they were used. That's not to say that WWE shouldn't get a cross promotional pop out of these guys. I'm saying they were put in a terrible spot. If you have them come out to thank their fans for supporting NASCAR - something natural they can deliver from the heart without having to act - get berated by heels for it and saved by baby faces - you book the night. Aside from the opening words to their fans, the racers don't have to do much but stand there and be defended. Then, you cap the night off with them in the corner of Team Goodguy. Let them hit a punch of something. Let the non-entertainers (sports figures, politicians, etc) stick to visual sound bites. Save the entertaining for Cedric. This was Kofi Kingston's night. Plain and simple. He broke out of whatever shell he was in and really carved his spot. Good for him. So DX vs. John Cena in a three way, huh? Throw Legacy in the mix and you have a somewhat interesting storyline in the works. That does it for me. If you haven't had a chance check out…
Tony "T.L. Hopper" Anthony
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