"Going Old School" with Mike Rickard 
21 Minute Audio Report

James Guttman and Canadian Bulldog:
Complete and Utter Insanity
56 Minute Audio Report

Ongoing ECW Fake/Real Results, The Next WWE Champion, The Choice That Could Make The Most Sense, The Ones That Make No Sense, Oscar, Hornswoggle, Save_Us.222, The Target Hockey Store, The Next Wrestling Fans, Jerry Orton, Tommy Jamima Dreamer, TNA, Kurt "Seinfeld" Angle, Damian Demento, Brian F**kin' Kendrick, Y2J's WWF Debut, and More

Video package airs showcasing how far TNA has come. They say that they "embraced even the tiniest of accomplishments." Yeah. They got that right. You ain't just whistling Dixie, James Earl Jones voice guy.

TNA Theme Plays.

Welcome everyone to TNA Impact! We are live on tape from the home of Signature Pharmacy - Orlando, Florida! Things tonight are going to be off the hook, back on the hook, and then off the chain! Professor Mike Tenay and Don Jaun West are manning the broadcast table and, folks, we have a show that's going to knock your socks on your ass. For the first time on Spike TV, Pac Man Jones makes his no-touchy in-ring debut with Ron Killings against Team 3D. Plus, Miss Jackie meets Gail Kim. Then, from there, Samoa Joe, Junior Fatu and The L.A.X. face off against AJ Styles, Christian Cage, Senshi, and Christopher Daniels. Let's go, Don! Take off your pants and let's head on down to the six-sided ringside!

I think if you asked me to pick two people to open the first two hour show of Impact, these guys would probably be my last choice. It just seems like a big mistake on so many levels. If TNA is expecting new viewers on their first two hour show, they shouldn't start things off with two former WWE guys wrestling and then fielding interference from another. Then again, maybe TNA isn't expecting new viewers. I mean, most of us watching aren't expecting new viewers, right? It just seems like a defeatist attitude going into the first double Impact and giving fans the same old, same old. I also would be remiss not mention how horrible I find the Black Reign gimmick to be. I've said it before. It's one thing to have "multiple personalities." It's another thing when one of those personalities requires an hour of make-up time. The whole thing reminds me of when WCW brought in "The Renegade" to do a bad impression of The Ultimate Warrior. This is just like that only with Black Reign playing a poor man's Goldust. The major difference, though? Dustin Rhodes played both of them! It's just painful to watch. His theme music should be, "Rain, Rain, Go Away." Don West and Mike Tenay also speak at length about how Jim Mitchell has added Rhodes to his Dungeon of Doom thing because of his freaky deeky nature. As for the match itself, it wasn't anything too special. Dustin seems to have forgotten how to throw punches and does a sort of fly-swatter slap thing now that looks like he's on an acid trip and trying to fly away. To distract from the spastic arm flapping, TNA shoots over to a shot of Raven, who's doing that Clockwork Orange gimmick. He watches the match from a throne at the top of the aisle. Not sure what he's the king of, but I'm sure you guys can figure out some wise ass comments for yourself. After watching for a while, Rave abandoned his seat and rushed to ringside. He tried to distract The War Machine, but had the opposite effect. Raindust found himself rolled up for a pinfall and the first match came to a close.

Following the bell, Raven and Dustin went to work on the Rhinoceros. It looked like he was going to be down for the count until he was saved by…

It's Jim Mitchell and Havoc! (JG Note: No sign of Judas Messy Ass because he fell off that ladder in Mexico and messed up his…well, you know.) Mitchell tries to stop the giant Cellar Dweller, but ends up falling to the ground. This brings in Havoc from behind. For some reason, Hav does this thing with his face paint that looks as though he was a burglar peering through a mail slot when a kid came along from the inside and spraypainted through it. Not sure what he's going for there. I guess it's the "Home Alone" look. Anyway, Homey swings at the masked nut, but fails to take him down. This brings in Black Reign with his deadly knife-like spike. Just as it looks like he's about to kill the former TNA Champion, the lights go out…again.

It's Sting to the rescue! Abyss is in luck! I guess that someone got his…I guess that someone got his…message in a booooottle. The Stinger takes down Dustin and lets out his trademark yelp. That's when Kurt Angle appears on the TotalTron. He seems to be at some sort of outdoor sporting event.

"Hey Sting. Hey Sting. Hey. Hello. Right here. Are you ready for some football? 'Cause if you are, I'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. I'll see you on the other side of the break. Spike has to make some money too."
     - Kurt Angle

Mike Tenay repeats, "Are you ready for some football?" You know, Mike. I wasn't…but now that you mentioned it, I am. I hope half the audience doesn't feel the same way or else they're going to switch this off and play some Madden.

Commercial Break. That's C-O - haha - Double M - E - Single R - Single C - I-A-L...Break.

Kurt Angle is back on the TotalTron and his voice is barely audible. Considering that the show is pre-taped, you'd think they could have fixed it by the time we aired. Angle is in California. Yeah. He's out at Sting's son's high school football game. That's right. Garrett Stinger is set to play with the old pigskin, if you get what I mean. Kurtis is going to watch the game and show his support for Sting's kid. Silly you. You went all the way to the "Impact Zone" while Your Olympic Kid Watcher headed back to California to watch your son play the Pac Man game. 

"The difference between you and I, Sting, is that if I had a son, I'd never miss any of his football games. So I'm gonna sit in the stands. I'm gonna cheer your son Garrett on and you know what? When he grows up, I'm gonna wonder. Is he gonna slap other people's wives like you do? Maybe I'll ask him that after the game."
                 - Kurt Angle

Sting threatens to "kill" Angle if he touches his son. Kurt mocks this threat and turns his attention back to the game. Mike Tenay imagines that it must create an "uneasy" feeling for The Stinger. I'd imagine that a creepy drunk bald man in a suit watching high school boys play football would create an uneasy feeling for anyone, wouldn't you?

Backstage, Jeremy Borash has some TNA Bound For Glory News that you can't hear anywhere else. Just call the WCW Hotline sign up for the TNA Mobile Alert and get it all. Speaking of Bound For Glory, let's interview the black Randy Savage and the bald Sanjaya. In comes "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt. Lethal continues his poor (Macho) man's impression of Randy Savage and talks about Liberace. Dutt continues his poor man's impression of…uh, I'm thinking Richard Gere, maybe? Sonjay speaks about charity work and we all get a big ha-ha at his puns about the Ebola virus.  I mean, you can't go wrong when using the Ebola virus as a punchline, right?  This fun goes on until they get attacked by…Those Damn Dudley Boys.

Actually, 'Round these parts, we call them Team 3D. It's Brother Ray and Brother Devon and they're pissed off. Apparently they've taken it upon themselves to kick the tar out of random people "until they get a shot at the tag team titles." (JG Note: Didn't Tenay and West say at the start of the show that they'd be facing the tag champions tonight anyway?  Did they really need to go through all this to make it a title match?  Couldn't they, like, ask?) Either way, there's only one man that can save Sonjay and Regular Jay. That man is…

Shark Boy.

Goddamnit.

Sharky tries to help, but he can't do much because he's - you know - Shark Boy. He just becomes another jobber for the Duds to beat up. They power bomb Dutt. They toss around The X-Division Champion. They do it all. Finally, they demand a title shot tonight or else they'll do more of what they're about to do.  What do they do? They put Machismo through a table with a 3D. Wow. So much for Dixie Carter's line about the Angle-Lethal "classic" during her conference call, huh?  Let's see if I got this right. TNA puts Jay Lethal over Kurt last month and then feed him to Brother Ray as if he were a deep fried box of Krispy Kremes. Oooooo yeah! Snap into a creative blunder! Dig it!

Backstage in the production truck, Sting is cursing. Guess he skipped that line in the bible. He grabs one of TNA's video people, calls him Keith, and demands a live feed to talk to Kurt Angle. He's given his chance, but has to wait until after the break. Keith promises to get techs on it and set him right up. We'll patch you through and get ya a direct hook-up, Mr. Borden. It might cost some extra money from the budget, but we'll just fire more X-Division guys. No problem.  You know, The Stinger's just like Jack Bauer…if Jack Bauer carried a baseball bat for no reason and painted his face like a sad fruity mime.

Commercial Break. Matt Sera calls someone a "dick" during The Ultimate Fighter this week. They actually use the line in their commercial. Immediately after that, we go to an alcohol commercial for "Glenfiddick." I'm starting to feel like I'm on Pee-Wee's Playhouse and TNA's secret word tonight is "dick." AHHHHHHHH! Oh wow. I guess it is.

Sting is really mad backstage and is patched through to Kurt Angle. He tells Kurt that he better not touch a hair on Garrett's head. If he does, he's screwed.

"Now that's the old Stinger I remember. The one with the fire, the passion, the emotion. I mean I had to come all the way to California just to get that old Stinger back. To come watch Garrett play football and who said anything about touching anybody? You're the one who likes to slap other people's family members. You call the police to have me arrested? Oh Sting. You're being naughty. I don't like it. You better watch yourself. All I had to do was tell them I was watching a football game. I gave them an autograph and sent them on their way."
      - Kurt Angle

He should have done that the other day when the cops showed up. Something tells me the police didn't show up because of Sting. They showed up to make sure someone else was driving him around while he's in California. Lucky for Kurt, there is.

Earlier in the week, Robert Rood, along with Traci Brooks, did an interview with Crystal . It's another one of those sit-down talks that TNA is famous for. He decides to finally let the cat out of the bag on how he got his money. His grandfather passed away and left him a lot of cash. (JG Note: His Ravishing Grandpa.) As Rob continues talking, he's stopped by Miss B who seems annoyed with something that's going on. They two exchange some unpleasantries and he tells her to quit if she's unhappy.  It's here that we learn that Traci can't quit because her mother's "really sick." (JG Note: She has full blown entitilitis.) Blah, blah, blah. He tells her that she has one shot at staying employed.  Brooks has to win the TNA Women's Title, or The Knockout Title as it's stupidly called, and make him proud if she wants to keep her position in Robert Roode Inc. After all, "losers aren't allowed" in his corporation. You know - the corporation with one person in it.

Things appear to come to a sudden close, but out of nowhere, Leticia shows up to confront Crystal. What the frig? Ticia goes off and poses for Playboy then returns to find a new woman in her interviewer seat? No effin' way, girl! The two unqualified interviewers bicker before security steps in and the cameraman appears to pass out.

Question I Wish I Had Asked Dixie Carter During Her TNA Conference Call

How can "Miss Texas" be "The Pride of Tennessee?"

2. Gail Kim pinned Miss Jackie Moore after "The Happy Ending"

During her "Smack Talk" audio shows on ClubWWI.com, "Ivory  spoke about how stiff Jackie could get in the ring. You can really see what she means. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though. As long as she doesn't Ahmed Johnson everyone, she's okay. Gail is tough enough to take it and isn't' about to crumble. It makes the match seem more legit and better in the long run. Sadly for TNA fans, that doesn't matter anyway. Because, since the match is happening on Impact, that means there's going to be interference. After less than a minute of wrestling, The Voodoo Kin Mafia and Roxy LaVeaux showed up. Don West, trying to talk about how mysterious Roxy is, says an unintentionally hilarious line about her. "Talk about an unknown!" Yeah. The New Age Voodo Kins stood along with The Emo Queen at ringside as she wrung her hands and watched the action. The two women in the ring did their thing at a very fast past and put it all to bed when Gail hit her finishing move…The, uh, "Happy Ending." Wow. Just. Yeah. Wow.

Following the bell, Roxy and Christy Hemme ran in and joined forces with Moore to beat down Kim. Luckily for Gail, she was able to escape the beating and leave the ring while the three remaining women beat each other up. Good for you, Kimmy. You go and, um, give out some happy endings. Man. What a finishing move name. That ranks up there with the "Five Knuckle Shuffle." They might as well just make her nickname "The Asian Massage Parlor Hooker" Gail Kim.

Jim Cornette is sitting in his office backstage. Jeremy Borash wants to know what's up with the 3D-Pac situation and Jimmy tells him to sit tight. They want a match? They get one…in ten minutes. Before Borash can chat more, Sting rushes in and gets right in Cornette's face. He grabs the General Manager or whatever he is, and demands to know what will be done about Kurt Angle's stalking. Stutterin' Matt Morgan tries to step in and help Corny, but he stops him (JG Note: Begging the question, "What's the point of having a bodyguard?") He tells the Crow Poseur to relax. He knows nothing more than…hey. Look at that. Over there. On the monitor! Kurt's back. Borden gets off the Louisville Slugger and they both peer at the mini-monitor on the desk. What do we see next? A commercial, of course. Yup. Because that makes sense.

Commercial Break. Ben Stiller's new movie is coming out soon. For the purposes of its ads on Spike TV, they've renamed it, "The Heartbreak Dick."

Kurt Angle is standing by at the Garrett Stingkid Football game in California. He's doing a terrible Howard Cosell impression, but laughs it off. Hey, Facepaint, you know that guy you sent to take care of Kurt. "Larry?" Well he's going to "be walking with a limp for the rest of his life." (JG Note: Larry? Sting sent a guy named Larry to beat up Kurt Angle? You don't send a guy named Larry to beat up Angle. That's like sending a guy named Harvey or Sherman.) Angle then excuses himself so that he can return to his football watching. After all, it's the third quarter and, as we all know, watching high school football is more exciting than that TNA crap.

Apparently, Sting really loved Larry because he goes nuts and pushes a TNA cameraman into the wall. Even Jim Cornette's pleas to relax don't soothe him. Jimbo warns the former WCW Champion that Angle is just trying to get into his head and he needs to keep his cool. Wow. Can you imagine being so mad that you need Jim Cornette to be the calming voice of reason? Damn.

3. TNA Tag Team Champions Adam "Pac Man" and Ron Killings defeated Team 3D via disqualification when The Voodoo Kin Mafia attacked 3D

OK. So here's the question. Which is worse? WCW putting their World Title on David Arquette (a celebrity that doesn't even remotely resemble a wrestler) or TNA putting their tag title on Adam Jones (a celebrity that does look like a wrestler…but can't legally wrestle anyone in the ring)? As weird as it sounds, I'm leaning towards Jones. I mean, at least they could justify Arquette by saying "Anything can happen" or "He was starring in our movie." With Jones, he can't even lock up. He's not legally allowed to! The only reason to tune in each week is to see if they can make it though another match without him actually wrestling. It's pretty lame, to be honest. Of course, there's always the possibility that someone will screw up and accidentally punch him in the face, but the shows are pre-taped. So that's out the window. Then there's the chance that TNA might negotiate a deal that allows him to wrestle, but if that happens, ESPN would report it immediately with a big headline, "Pac-Man Gets To Wrestle." So that's out the window. In the end, it's just like the time that WWE booked Vince McMahon for a match against God. You knew it couldn't really happen, but the only appeal was to see how they'd dance around it. Only difference between that and this? WWE only did the God match once! TNA does this over and over again. We get it. He can't wrestle. The novelty has worn off. Why they didn't just give Killings a real partner and make Pac-Man their manager is beyond me. Then they could have showcased "Team Pac-Man" and actually have them wrestle while getting the "star" rub from Pac. I guess that would make too much sense. But wait. I haven't even gotten to the dumbest part of all of it. TNA hasn't acknowledged that Jones can't wrestle. They haven't turned it into a storyline or even mentioned it. Now follow along with me:

* TNA signed Pac-Man because it would get mainstream attention and reach new viewers.

* They get mainstream attention that reaches new viewers.

* All the mainstream attention to new viewers includes the fact that Jones isn't allowed to actually wrestle.

* TNA then ignores it on their shows and hopes people don't know that he's not allowed to wrestle..

* Yet, the whole reason for doing this was to get mainstream attention to new viewers - the same mainstream attention that is TELLING EVERYONE THAT HE CAN'T WRESTLE!

God. I have a headache.

Anyway, the gimmick here was that Pac kept leaping over Brother Ray every time he tried to run at him. They only offense he used was when the threw a football at him. He was also able to hold Ray's legs open for a flying K-Kwik leg drop. Other than that, he didn't do any of that 'rasslin' stuff. He threatened to swing a chair at one point, but that was the cue for the VKM to run out and attack Team 3D. This calls for the DQ bell and it all comes to an end.

This send Jones chasing after them and leaves The Dudleys alone in the ring with Killings. Who can save him? Only two men…The Steiner Brothers. The duo runs in, chases out the baddies, and pose for the crowd.  Don West responds with his favorite saying, "Are you kidding me?!" (JG Note: His second favorite is, "If I'd known it was gonna be that kinda party, I'd a stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes!")

Kurt Angle is still cheering on Garrett at the football game. He even tells some of the other parents that Gary's his kid. I can't tell if this whole thing is supposed to be funny or dramatic. It's not really succeeding either way.

Commercial Break.

Raven is hanging his head and wearing his Abe Lincoln hat backstage. Fond of crappy plays on words, Jeremy Borash asks him about how he's recently thrown his "hat back into the ring." This leads Rave to deliver a promo about his detractors. They say he's washed up? They say he's done? Well, they said that about "Funk" in the early 80s and he still was going strong for another decade. Of course, the difference is that Terry wasn't washed up back then and Raven's…well, never mind. Nothing. Nothing. Forget I said anything.  Anyway, Scotty Flamingo is going to work himself back into shape and take out guys like Rhino and….

Abyss! The Kane/Mankind hybrid monster steps right up to Raven's face and tells him to bring it on. When he does, we'll make it interesting. He asks Rave to make it a…Monster's Ball Match and "bring Black Reign with you." Byss then screams and walks away. Quote the Raven, "I'm tired. I'm gonna take a nap."

This is a gauntlet match. It goes a little something like this: Ten guys. Two start off. Every sixty seconds, a new guy comes in. If you get thrown over the top rope, you're out. When we're down to the final two, it becomes a one-on-one match. In other words, it's like a Royal Rumble only not as fun and done solely to waste time.

In case you're wondering why I'm not updating the stuff in-between entrances and eliminations, it's because there's not enough time for anything to happen. At one minute intervals, it seems almost pointless to have them come out one-by-one. They might as well just start all ten in the ring and go from there. Ooops. Gotta go. Next guy.

Petey went for his Canadian Destroyer immediately because, well, what else does he do? It didn't work, though. Roode attacked and…whoops. Hang on.  Next guy.

Eric Young is looking a little out of shape lately. He's kinda built like Eric Embry now. Uh oh. #6's turn. Man. You'd think that a promotion that whined about the short time period of a one hour show for so long would realize how short one minute countdown periods would be.

Know who was eliminated between 6 and 7? No one.

It's one half of the Motor City Machineguns, Chris Sabin. During this period, Miss Brooks comes up the aisle so she can get a closer look at...that's time.  Hang on.  #8.

It's the other half of the MCMs. Finally we get some eliminations.

9. Lance Hoyt

Ugh. Lance Hoyt is like Andrew Martin with less charisma. Yikes. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence about someone. That may be true, but he still has one good thing going for him - momentum. He uses it to break up the Machineguns by tossing Sabin to the floor.

Kaz was knocked to the outside during all this, but not eliminated. Miss Brooks went to check on him, but it didn't do anything except anger Robert Roode. He slid between the ropes and got in her face about this act of betrayal. Then he took his anger out on Kazarian. As Traci screamed, "You proved your point," Mike Tenay screamed that we had to go to a commercial break. He promised that tapes were rolling and we'd have an update on all the eliminations when we get back. Thanks, Mike. I appreciate it. Then again, I sort of expected it. In all the years I've watched wrestling, I never heard an announcer say, "We have to take a commercial break, folks! This match is still going on and if anything happens during the break then, well, ya'll can go f*ck yourselves!"

Commercial Break. This seems like decades ago.

We're back and during the break, we had an elimination.

Hey. Remember The Wildcat's big push? Yeah. Me neither.

Are you kidding Don West?! Are you kidding him?! Former members of Team Canada working together?!

Kaz almost went out too but he held on. He then got hit with a super kick.

Eric Young's whole "Don’t Fire Eric" gimmick is the most ironic thing in the company considering that most of the roster wants to get fired. Anyway, I feel like putting Eric over Storm here was a mistake. James has a bigger upside and the stuff he's been doing lately works in both a comedic sense and a dramatic sense. Anyway, it wasn't a big deal for The Tennessee Cowboy to lose to Young. It wasn't like he got pinned in less than a minute or something.

Except for the fact that, you know, he got pinned in less than a minute.

Don West and Mike Tenay show us some video footage of AJ Styles, Tyson Tomko, and Christian Cage earlier tonight that they say may "change the face of tonight's match."

Earlier, AJ and Tyson were walking backstage when they're stopped by Christian. Cage learns that Styles has made plans to head to Japan with Tomko and doesn't seem to like it. He tells Ty to head over to the Land of the Rising Sun and defend his IWGP tag title (with Giant Bernard) all he wants, but that The Phenomenal One ain't going with him.  Edge's little brother takes Joey Styles' little brother away and leaves Tommy Co all by his lonesome. Sorry, Billy Goat Beard. Looks like you'll be traveling alone on your Japanese Tour. Say hi to ClubWWI.com's audio host, Bull Buchanan , for us while you're there.

Commercial Break. Spike TV airs a commercial for "Gallagher's" a strip club in Queens. Yeah. And WWE though they got bad advertisers. I'm waiting on the ads for guns and dirty coke.

We're back…well, not really. We're in the arena but first we're... going back to Cali, to Cali, to Cali. We're going back to Cali. Yeah. I think so.

Kurt Angle is talking to a young high school cheerleader. He asks her about her interaction with some of the boys on the team. He asks about one boy. The one with the - mmmmm - muscley arm.

The Spirit Squader says she does. He's such a great guy. She really likes him.

This was the first time I cracked a smile during one of these segments all night.

Angle turns his attention back to the camera so that he can inform Sting that "no one likes getting slapped." He promises to approach ol' #25 after the game is over and give him the "congratulatory slap on the ass." He also guarantees that Daddy Dearest will see all the fun firsthand. Mmmm. Slapping the ass of ol' Muscley Arm. Gonna give him a slap for not sending over that newspaper on time. Mmmmm.

I'm not a big fan of LAX as baby faces. It seems like they've lost a lot since turning. For so long, they were the best thing going on in TNA. Now they're still a top team, but far lower than they were before. They didn't have to lose anything with the loss of Konan, but they did anyway. It's not Hernandez and Homicide's fault. Then again, most of the times that things fall apart around here, it's not the fault of the wrestlers themselves. As for Rikishi, I can take it or leave it. If anything is good about his presence in the company, it's that it makes sense. As opposed to some other former WWE stars who showed up in the promotion, Fatu actually fits in alongside Samoa Joe. Whether or not you feel that Joe needs a sidekick or not is another argument altogether. There were enough good talents here to really put on a solid match, though. Regardless of how you feel about booking or characters, you had to enjoy what these eight guys could do in the ring (JG Note: Or at least seven…or six, maybe? Six?) Things got pretty crazy and everything started moving at that fast pace that has made many of TNA's big matches so exciting...at times. With Joe diving through the ropes, Junishi hit his Stinkface on Christopher Daniels and then tried the Junior Driver on Senshi. This sent Styles diving from the top rope to stop it. Then, in a move that made everyone question his grasp on reality, AJ set up Uncle June for a Styles Clash. Yeah. Good luck with that. Keesh tossed him out of the ring and things continued on. The Fallen Angel found himself double teamed by The Latin American Exchange and Hernandez followed up by diving over the top rope onto AJ outside. After some more back and forth and a "This Is Awesome" chant, Joemaga avoided a running Low-Ki kick and sent the bald martial artist into Cage. When he doubled back, Senshi found himself caught in a Muscle Buster. One, Two, Three. Joe killed you.

We go back via satellite to El Cajon, California to a close-up of Kurt Angle in the parking lot of Garret Borden's high school. He gives the post-game report and informs us of how great the Little Stinger did in his game today. Kurt says that this is all being done to get in Borden's head and get "The Old Sting" at Bound For Glory. The Franchise of WCW watches on a monitor back in Orlando. (JG Note: Hey! Someone loan Angle that monitor so he can see that his wife didn't really get slapped already. Geez.) When Garret finally shows up, Your Olympic Stalker pounces.

He chases the kid down and tells him that his father slapped his wife. Gary says that Kurt's wife didn't get slapped and he knows it. Then, as he gets into his car, Borden slams the door into Angle's chest. Uh oh. I know what's next. An ankle lock. An Angle Slam. A gunshot. Something!

Nope. Nothing. Kurt Angle pulls the kid out of the car and tells his Daddy that he's going to leave the rest up to his imagination. In a page from the Sopranos finale, the screen goes black. Amazing. After two hours of buildup and they don't even show a pay-off.

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Dont stop…

Fade to black.

All in all… Uh. This was the type of thing I was worried about.

TNA's two hour show came across as we expected it to. It was a one hour show times two. That's it. The pace didn't slow. The scope didn't expand. The frantic, frenzied, and confusing feeling was still in full swing. At times, things felt rushed. At others, it felt pointless. Overall, it felt like a showcase of "These are all our guys! Look at them! We pay all these people! Here! Look at these guys! Wait!  Now stop looking at them!  Look over here! Look! Here's some more guys!"

There was the segment to showcase all the women. There was the segment to showcase all the tag teams. There was the segment to showcase all the X-Division guys. There was the segment to showcase eight of the main eveners. It was sort of like an infomercial.

Now, I know the argument.

This is the first two hour show, we have to introduce our show to our new viewers.

Come on. Enough with the introductions. TNA goes through this every time they make a new step. You don't have to always introduce your product to new viewers. Having a ton of people on the roster doesn't impress viewers. Having good people presented in a well organized and creative way does.

Total Nonstop Action is a name. That's it. It shouldn't be a philosophy. So much can be too much. In this case, TNA is doing that. This extra hour was supposed to give them the chance to slow down. Instead, it became a mad race to scream, shout, and shove everything under the sun out there.

Now, as for the booking, well…

The Angle-Sting stuff was pretty pitiful. It reeked of a poor man's WWE skit. Fans who tuned in to the show because they were tired of shows that leaned too far into entertainment and not enough into sports were turned away. Even those who liked entertainment had to be disappointed. When all was said and done, the entire thing took up close to seven minutes (I timed it) of the overall show, yet seemed like it took hours. I only timed it because after watching the program, I felt that it had to have been at least 20 minutes long.  Nope.  Seven. The fact that it felt like 20 speaks volumes for how monotonous it was.

Then to not even show the beat down at the end…Wow. Just. Wow. At least WWE would have closed out Raw by having the kid's car blow up or Kurt throwing him off a bridge.

The Main Event was good. Then again, if you throw those eight guys in the ring, it's going to be good. This was a case of the wrestlers doing what they do best and not injuring themselves by "tripping over some bad booking." Hey. Where did I hear that one?

The X-Division match was ridiculously paced and served no purpose other than to gobble up all that precious time that TNA was begging for since they started on Spike TV. When you consider that the X Champion, Jay Lethal, was used as a jobber to Team 3D, it makes it all even more meaningless. How you can put Lethal over Kurt Angle and then use him the way he was used tonight is beyond me.

I already went off on the Pac Man thing. Nothing more to say there.

This show was what we expected, guys. The scariest thing was that it came across not like TNA was trying to push a family member or bury a specific guy (like some other companies might come off.) They came across like they didn’t know what they were doing and they just got a time slot that they're really not ready for. God help us all. They wanted two hours.

Hey, Charlie.  You know the story of the boy who got everything he ever wanted, don'cha?

He killed himself.

The end.

That does it for me, guys. Remember, you can check out our shoot interview with Nick "U-Gene" Dinsmore on ClubWWI.com. In the meantime, there's some free audio up and about for you to sink your ears into. (Is that a term? Sink your ears into?) Check out JG's Radio Free Insanity with Damian Demento. Monday Night Raw's first main eventer gives his first and only audio shoot interview to WorldWrestlingInsanity.com. You don't want to miss this. If you do, then you're pretty loco, nutto, and - yes - Demento.

Be Well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!