Survivor Series 2010 is in the books.   What books?   The boring books.   Never mind that, though, because Raw is rockin' like a Robin on USA and we have Michael Cole here to drag his feet through it.   Alongside the Regal Beagle himself, Jerry Lawler, Cole is on hand to help us answer some questions.   What will become of John Cena now that Nexus has given him his pink slip?   Or is it a yellow slip?   Can the new champion, Randy Orton, hold off any future challenges to his championship?   Why didn't Edge ever join the Straight Edge Society?   Trying to tell us something, Edge?   Hmmmm?   Anyway, yeah.   Raw.   Tonight.   Let's get insane, chickenheads…

Lawler and Cole kick things off with a look at Last Night's Survivor Series.   Randy Orton won and John Cena was set on fire or something.   I don't know.   I wasn't really paying attention.    Something about fire or maybe pliers.   Could be pliers.  Maybe someone gave John Cena a pair of pliers because Randy Orton won.   Doesn't make much sense, though, but whatever.

Hey?   Are you gonna eat that bacon grease?

What?   No, Wade.   Just the bacon.  

Oh.   Hey…can I rub it in my hair?

The music hits.   The group arrives.   The ring is full of N's.   Nexus circles their greasy leader Wade Barrett as the capacity crowd lets him know that they think he sucks.   The WB, fighting a barrage of boos that never seems to let up, gives us all a history lesson as it relates to John Cena's place on Raw.   The Doctor of Thuganomics had a job to do last night and he failed to follow through.   As the special guest referee for Barrett's match with Randy Orton, Johnny Boy claimed to know what he was doing.   He claimed to have screwed the NXT Winner out of his title win over Orton.   It was intention all along!   So, according to Brad Garrett, that means a few things.

1) John Cena was willing to sacrifice his entire career for what he thought was right.

2) Wade Barrett went into last night's match with so much as a fighting chance.

3) John Cena smells like farts.   Dusty old lady farts.

So that left Wade with no chance in hell.   He went into that match with a loss already in the record books.   Never in the history of WWE has an official been so biased.   He put his hands on one of the competitors!   That made the whole thing unfair.   How can an official hit a wrestler?  You know, besides Danny Davis, Nick Patrick, Mr. T, Mike Tyson, Ronnie Garvin, Jamie Dundee, Earl Hebner, Teddy Long…oh you get the idea.   Now, all that said, it only makes sense that Wade will get a shot against Randy again tonight.  Well, unless Michael Cole gets a beep, beep and clarifies things...

"Can I have your attention, please?   I have just received an email from the anonymous Raw General Manager.   And I quote, 'There's no question that there is some validity to this supposition of Wade Barrett and there is no doubt in my mind that Randy Orton would like to prove his individual superiority.   Therefore the WWE Championship will be defended when Wade Barrett faces Randy Orton for the WWE Title and it will happen tonight."
- Michael Cole

Happy days are here again, bitches.   Smiling like Stu Sanders, Wade tells us all that he's decided to show how great of a guy he truly is.   How good?   So good that he's allowed John Cena to come to Raw tonight…and address the WWE Universe one last time.   Barrett has obviously never watched wrestling before or he'd know that this is a bad idea.   A very bad idea.   The only thing dumber than inviting your enemy to the show to say goodbye is going to an in-ring party in your honor…with a big human-sized gift-wrapped present.

Commercial Break.   If I buy the hunting game for Xbox 360, do I have to eat my TV?   Isn't it cruel otherwise?

Next week's Raw is the three hour King of the Ring tournament.   Jerry Lawler doesn't seem to get so upset about it anymore.   In fact, he calls it one of his favorite moments of the year.   No explanation about why he beat the piss out of Bret Hart after he won the first one.   Guess he was all hopped up on Crystal Meth back then.   Suddenly, out of nowhere, Michael Cole just stands up and…

"Please welcome the newest member of the Monday Night Raw broadcast team…C.M. Punk!"

- Michael Cole

Seemingly out of the blue, The Straight Edge Savior is announced as the Bruno Sammartino to the Vince McMahon/Jesse Ventura team at ringside.   With a hug to Michael Cole and a glare at the King, Punky reveals that he'll be on hand at Raw from now on.   Wait.   Michael Cole AND CM Punk together every week?   There are going to be some exploding smart mark heads across the world.   Do they hate it?   How can they hate something with CM Punk?   Love it?   It's Michael Cole!   They can't love it!   After some back and forth, confusion, and pain - Boom.   Exploded head.   It's WWE's secret plan to kill the Internet.

1. King of the Ring Qualifier: Sheamus pinned R-Truth

Sheamus is on a losing streak.   John Morrison and Santino Marella both knocked Raggedy Andy down the ladder a few rungs.   As CM Punk and Jerry Lawler spoke about the struggles of the Irishman, he took it to R-Truth in the ring. All looked pretty good until Ron started hitting his split legged dance steps prompting Punk  to scream out, "Vintage R-Truth!"   After a packed opening, the match brings us back down a bit.   Lots of restholds as the new commentary crime fighters discuss things like coronations, weddings, and how Jerry Lawler is really old.   The Straight Edge Solie asks the King if he won his title from Farmer Burns or George Hackenschmidt.   Smart Marks rejoice.   Then Michael Cole says something and they all cry again.   As for me, I'm bored.   Nothing too exciting here.   But then again, as a qualifier match for next week's tournament, you can't expect much out of this.   The whole night is about selling next week and the main event of Orton vs. Barrett.   In the first few minutes, you knew it was going to be a one match show and if the main event and John Cena arrival go over, it will be a success.  But until then, we're treading water.   That's not to say that these two didn't know how to pick it up when the time came.   Sheamus O'Shaunnesy may have struggled to maintain control earlier in the bout, but in the end, he was in full control.   Hoisting Killings up into the Razor's Edge position, S.O.S. took time to walk around the ring before slamming him down and moving on to next week's King of the Ring.   King Sheamus - has a nice ring to it.   Although people hard of hearing might think you're saying "Cream Danish."   Just a heads up.

Video Clip From The John Cena Experience DVD.   Not sure what the "John Cena Experience" is, but I'd imagine it involves pretending to be in the army and wearing pump sneakers.  

Commercial Break.   Wait…you looks Aretha Franklin if you don't eat Snickers?   I'd imagine you'd look like her if you DO eat Snicker's, right?   Isn't that common knowledge?

Lay Cool is here and they're still doing their BFF act outside the arena.   Despite losing their belts last night, the duo are keeping themselves in good spirits.   That works for them…until security stops them at the door.   Seems the entrance is just for Raw Superstars and you's twos ain't no Raw Superstars.   The security guard who, like 99% of the public, doesn't watch wrestling today, has no idea who Lay Cool are.   He even checks the list.   No Layla Bell.   No Michele McCheese.   Sorry, chickies.   To make matters worse, the woman who took their gold last night, Natalya Neidhart, shows up.   The security guard, further cementing that he has no interest in WWE at all, asks Nattie if she knows the two trespassing divas.   She denies any knowledge of who they are, prompting him to shut the door in their faces.  

Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov are sharing coffees backstage as Marella laments over their title loss last night.   They came so close to winning the Unified Tag Titles that he could taste it.   Mmmmmmmm….Championship Gold.   Although Vlad tries to calm the Milan Miracle's nerves, he still remains on edge until - and this is weird - Tamina appears playing a guitar and singing an island song in Santino's honor.   He leans in for a kiss. She violently grabs his face and obliges.   Then, she stands up, tells him "call me", and runs off.   She could have just stayed and talked to him, but she ran off instead.   Guess she wants him to waste his minutes.   Hrmmph!   Dames.

Elsewhere, Randy Orton is tying his Viperific shoelaces when Josh Matthews sneaks up on him.   Boo!   Hey, Randy.   What do you think about John Cena?   You like him now?   He hooked your ass up last night.   Dandy Randy and the Head Voicers give mad props to the former Nexus Bitch for standing up for what's right.   He knew that Wade Barrett shouldn't be WWE Champion and he made sure that didn't happen.   That was last night.   But tonight, Randall will say f**k you, Jobu.   He do it himself.   For the second night in a row, the Barrett's getting stuffed.   Take it to the bloody bank.

Commercial Break. If Grand Turismo 5 is "Rated E For Everyone," does that mean I get it for free?   It's for everyone!   Who are they to deny me!?

Why is Ahmed Johnson here?

That's Ezekiel Jackson.

No.   I know that's Ezekiel Jackson.   I mean that guy over there.

That's Alex Riley.

Oh?   Is it?   Shit.   I gotta get my eyes checked.

Ezekiel Jackson hits the ring, but as he awaits the Miz, he's met by a surprise.   Yup.   Alex Riley just drove here blindfolded and, with a mic in hand, tells the crowd that Miz will not be competing.   He apparently has suffered an anxiety attack.   Because of this, A-Ri is taking his place.   As he steps in the ring, Punk asks, "Is he under the influence or something?"   Well played, sir.

-

2. King of the Ring Qualifier: Ezekiel Jackson pinned Alex Riley

This match was such a squash that Alex Riley should have had a hand print on the back shoulder pad of his ring gear so he can pat himself before we began.   Yeah.   That bad.   Big Zeke ate him up, pooped him out, and fed him to the cat.   King Zeke is one week closer to a possible reality.

Backstage, John Cena is bright purple.   As he talks to the backstage creatures like Santino and Yoshi Tatsu, Jerry Lawler mentions his fear that all this is a trick.   John may be in some trouble.   Comments like that that make me picture all sorts of crazy scenarios.  Most involve Hornswoggle.

Commercial Break.   Burger King is pushing their coffee.   Gotta be honest.   If Starbucks sold a hamburger, I probably wouldn't want to eat it.   So, yeah.   You lose, Burger King.

"Ladies and gentlemen…Jaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn   Ceeeeeeeeeeeeeena!"

- Justin Roberts

We get the Shabadoo and the horn section welcoming our purple and yellow hero.   As John Cena enters the ring, the crowd sits with baited breath waiting to see what's in store.   Is this goodbye?   Could it be?   Mother of Mercy.   Is this the end of Cena?

"See, if you're gonna go out, that's how you go out.   Not in a referee's shirt.   Not holding somebody's bags. If I'm leaving, I'm leaving just like this! Just in case you've been locked in sports entertainment solitary confinement.   Randy Orton is still WWE Champion.   That means I'm fired.   Uh, a decision that was probable but, I'll be honest with you, I didn't think would happen.   You know what?   Forget about it.   Before this, I was living in my car cleaning toilets, I didn't think any of this would happen.   Over the years you guys got to know me.   Here's the deal, though. You only see what you see on TV.   There's a lot about me and the guys you don't know. I only have a few seconds so I want to tell you this one thing. You guys have no idea how much I respect this company.   Not just this company today but every single person who's allowed me to be here today."
- John Cena

Confusing everyone, the speech quickly decends into a genuine farewell speech.  

"One of the things you guys may not know is that life moves pretty fast here in WWE.   When I first started WWE was a pretty big part of my life.   Then WWE became my life.   It was my choice.   I wanted to give everything I had to each and every one of you each time I step in these ropes….My brother Matt had a baby girl and I missed it.   My mom's birthday is in a couple of days."
- Johns Cena

Uh…?   He shouts out his brother, baby Shelby, and all the things he'll buy his mom at home.   Suddenly, Jerry Lawler's attack teases seem to make sense.   Was it all misdirection?   Does the Marine really plan on just taking his smile and going home?   Is he working you so well that you don't even know you're getting worked?   Is he playing you like a fiddle?   Like a big greasy Dorito-eating fiddle?

"One thing I always really loved about you guys is that you're always really honest. If I'm walking out of here right now…I want to hear every woman and child say "Let's go Cena!"   And every guy over the age 18 say, "Cena Sucks!""
- John Cena

Uh…?   Wow.   Even crazier is that they go with him on it.   As it starts, CM Punk joins on the "Cena Sucks", figuring he's a male over 18.   Guess his headset said to shut up because that ended quick.   The dueling chant continues as the grinning Chain Gang leader thanks them, gives some parting words of advice, and says one last thing to Wade Barrett.

"I actually think the kid has a little bit of talent. I'm trying to help him out before I leave."

- John Cena

The advice?   Stop taking shortcuts.  The fans will love you if you love them, Barrett.   Embrace them and you too can have everything you want like John, who's now fired…so guess that's some crappy advice.   After claiming producer Billy "I Bought My Wrestling Gear In The Boys Department At Target" Kidman was going to kill him for going over time, J.C. gives another thank you to WWE fans and this whole worked goodbye feels pretty real.  

"I love you to death.   Let's go home."

- John Cena

Massive ovation.   When this is shown to be a swerve, it'll be crazy because the whole scene is just surreal.   Cena pauses at the top of the ramp, gives all a salute, and journeys off.   The camera pans the restless crowd and the sad faces aren't as abundant as you'd expect.  

While John leaves the arena, the roster flanks the parking lot and applauds.   As he reaches the car park, Cena is met by Randy Orton.   The two hug and it's a bit weird.   Then, as he departs the building entirely, Wade Barrett appears behind him, smirks, and trots off in the opposite direction.   Great segment.

Commercial Break.   I'm glad that Axe Bodyspray is doing so well.   If only Smash's bodyspray business would pick up too, they'd be set.

DiBiase Christmas 1990

Wow!   Thanks dad!

No problem, son.   I know you said not to get your presents.   Just stuff some money in an envelope. You make shopping pretty easy.  

Why do these bills have saliva all over them?

SHUT UP AND SAY THANK YOU!

Daniel Bryan Untrue Fact:   WWE had planned a Chris Jericho vs. Daniel Bryan match for pay-per-view with the tag line - "Ham on White Bread".

3. King of the Ring Qualifier: Daniel Bryan defeated Ted DiBiase

One of the Bella Twins likes Daniel Bryan.   They claim it's Brie Bella, but I'm not going to take their word for it.   CM Punk calls her a 4 and berates the dynamic duo for their lack of productive commentary.   Looking more intense than he has in the past, Teddy tore into the American Drag Queen with punches and kicks.   When Danny mounted an offense, it was quickly shut down.    Although he held control for the bulk of the bout, it took one mistake for TDB to get locked in the LaBelle Lock and give us a tapity tapity.   King Daniel Bryan could happen next week.   A kingdom where no one eats meat or cheese?   What a lame kingdom.

After the bell, the other   Bella Twin came down and hugged her sister.   No one got naked.   You didn't miss much.  

Commercial Break.   I like the movie where Will Ferrell has money and success despite being a hot-headed socially awkward eccentric.

4. Diva Champion Natalya defeated Alicia Fox

The most interesting thing about this match is that it's brought to me by "Faster" and Jerry Lawler has to refer to the Rock, who stars in it, as "Dwayne Johnson."   After that, he drops it.   Oh, the other interesting thing is that Natalya pulled Alicia's weave out.   That was pretty cool too.   Finally, the third most impressive thing was Nattie's stalled suplex.   As she held Fox up in the air, the crowd reacted.   By the time she locked on the Sharpshooting Scorpion, she had won over critics. Nat is for real.   Beliedat.

Backstage, John Morrison and Melina look ready to rekindle their past flame.   As they chuckle and make goo-goo eyes at one another, she wishes him luck.   The bearded wonder grabs his furry clothes and rushes off to do the King of the Rang Thang…

Commercial Break.   If you drink and do drugs at a party, you're just a puppet.   A really fun, happy, party-loving puppet.

4. King of the Ring Qualifier: John Morrison defeated Tyson Kidd

Tyson Kidd is a heel now.   He attacked DH Smith and now he's a bad guy.   Seems pretty early, no?   I feel like these two should have stayed together longer.   You could tell that it was too soon.   He did a few things that would have gotten over in normal circumstances, but were met with indifference.   In a cool spot, Tyson locked on a headlock, arched back, and let out a long scream.   No reaction.   It was uncomfortable.   These two worked pretty snug and it showed in the ring.   When Morrison hit a spinning heel kick, Michael Cole commended how he "molds his body".   This sets off CM Punk who questions the phrase itself.   What does that even mean, you little pony?   Mold his body?   You're a doof.  After some verbal back and forth, the point is just abandoned and we focus back on the match itself.   In another sign the heel turn and split was too early, T.K. celebrates his initial week as a heel by losing to a Starship Pain.   Jobbing right after a turn is never a good sign.   The tiny haired dungeon kid shames his elders.

Commercial Break.   

I think Justin Roberts is drunk.   He does the announcement for the WWE Championship match really weird.   It was like he was saying "Rico Suave".   Just as I'm about to Google "Gerardo" to find out what happened to the guy who sang it, Nexus runs out.

Like a pack of wild dogs, they attack.   Hungry dogs?   Is it hungry dogs or wild dogs?   Not sure.   Anyway, like a pack of wild hungry dogs, Nexus attacks.   Orton is beaten down, but not out.   He gets to his feet and looks ready to go.

So Husky Harris runs in and kicks him in the knee.  

Orton falls to the ground like Daniel LaRusso.   He clutches his limb, shakes his head, and prays a little pray.   We all hold our breath and go to a …

Commercial Break.   Burger King is giving away an XBox Kinect every 15 minutes.   Coffee.   Kinect.   Doesn't Burger King sell f**king hamburgers anymore?!

Back from the break and Michael Cole is back to his neutral personality.   No longer cynical and crazy, Michael veers into the melodramatic. He recounts Randy Orton's attack before the break as if someone just pistol whipped his grandmother.   Weird.   Just before Michael cries like a widdle wady, Wade Barrett hits the ring to end this nonsense.   Sans Nexus, Barrett has one more chance to get things done.   After a delayed entrance, the WWE Champion arrives yet again.   Limping and angry, the Viper is ready to strike.

5. WWE Champion Randy Orton pinned Wade Barrett

This match was the ol' injured babyface protecting his injury gimmick.   Randy Savage used to do it a lot.   You limp on the far leg and try to land a few jabs.   After a few, you miss, end up on your ass, and your opponent kicks your leg for six minutes.   That's what happened here.   Wade beat the Champion down until it was time to hit him with the Wasteland slam.   It was almost all over but just as Barrett slammed him to the mat…the referee was yanked from the ring by John Cena.

Wha, wha, what? JOHN CENA!   AH!   The non-quitting fibber rushes the ring, jumps Dr. Nexus, and unloads with punches.   When the Boys in N chase him from the ring, it leaves Barrett shaken and alone in the ring with Randy, who hits an RKO and scores the pin.   But there's no Voices in the Head music.   Nope.   Instead we hear the word we expected to hear at the end of last night's $50 show…

AWESOME!

Yup.   He's here.   The Miz has arrived and he's cashing in that briefcase.   The crowd sits in anticipation as all we can do is wait for the bell to ring. In the past, he's been interrupted before things can begin.   So it's not official until…

Ding, ding, ding.   Aw, snap.

6. The Miz pinned Randy Orton to win the WWE Title

Right off the bat, this was intriguing.   Orton wasn't knocked out.   He was up on his feet.   He was fighting back.   Even as Miz circled Orton, you got the feeling like Randy could turn the tables at the drop of a hat.   That's just what he did, actually.   Every time he looked down and out, he came back, hitting uppercuts and backbreakers.   But then, just as the "Apex Predator" (Michael Cole's words, not mine) was ready to hit the RKO, Mizerable Mike ducked down.   He locked in the Full Nelson, maneuvered Ort into the Skull Crushing Finale and…Hoorah, are you serious?

The New WWE Champion - The Miz.

There it is.   We were waiting on it and there it is.   Mr. Money in the Bank is no more and now he's Mr. WWE Champ.   The Miz is your leader now.   Go to him.   With Alex Riley jumping around with excitement over the prospect of drinking at the celebration party, Mizzy has a bewildered look in his eyes.   He's genuinely taken in by this great moment in his career and it's an emotion you just can't fake.  The first ever Real World contestant to become WWE Champ celebrates as we fade to black.

All in all …Hell of a show, eh?

I said at the start that his show would be made or broken on the main event and Cena's arrival.   That was true.   Both delivered and both saved the show.

I know it's not cool to say but I'll be damned if John Cena isn't one of the most likable people in the history of wrestling.   There's nothing pretentious about him in segments like this.   Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Ultimate Warrior, and others all had that "cooler than you" type of feel.   John seems relatable and I think he's the type of character that people will come to really respect years down the line.   His goodbye segment proved that.   After all the years of people dogging John, he was able to stop and hold the crowd in the palm of his hand just by stepping out of the box.  They chanted on his command. As soon as he changed the tone to a serious one, the audience sat back and paid attention.   They did it because, if you really think about it, there's very little to not like about this guy.   He's been a faithful star and always represents WWE in a positive light.   The wrestling business needs more people like him.

That said, he's not going anywhere.   It was all part of the show and made the way he handled the crowd even more impressive.

What can you say about the Miz?   He wins.   All the initial critics lost.   I couldn't be happier to have been wrong.   On the first night he debuted to overgelled hair and a a crib sheet on his wrist, who would have imagined we'd be where we are today?   One word - awesome.  

That does it for me.   Be sure to check out Luke Gallows on ClubWWI.com and check back throughout the week for more fun and hijinx from our Insanity staff.   Be Well!   Thanks for sharing my Insanity!