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JG's 11/9 Raw Insanity: Y2Big Plays The Heartbreak Game, Sheamus The Jobber Squasher Strikes Again, and Chavo Doesn't Win Here Anymore
By James Guttman
Dear Investors, As you know, pay-per-view business is bad. Real bad. How bad? Real bad. But you know that. So, where was I? Oh yes. Pay-per-views. We at WWE are committed to bringing new and innovative concepts to the world of PPVs and are here to present you with some of our newest ideas going forward. Please read on and feel secure that we're not going to crash and burn in a huge hellfire pit of fiery doom. At least not anytime too soon.
Love You More,
WWE Buyer's Remorse
Concept: Every match ends in a double countout and is then repeated the next night on Raw. It also ends 35 minutes early. Tag Line: What else are you gonna buy? Food? Don't Be a Wuss.
WWE Triple H vs. Everyone
Concept: Triple H vs. Everyone. Duh. That's it. Anyone on our roster faces Triple H. Everyone from Jack Swagger to that Asian Cowboy guy gets a shot. It's not just wrestlers though. Everyone fights Triple H. Anyone we have on the payroll is game, so to speak - The writers, Todd Grisham, Lauren the singing ring announcer, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Vince Ru….uh. Never mind. Just. Well, you get the concept. Tag Line: It's All About The Game…Since 2002.
WWE Three Hours of Static Concept: Three hours of static. That's it. These people bought vibrating WCW action figures. They'll buy anything. Also, it ends 35 minutes early. Tag Line: We're heeeeeeerrrreee... Hey. Remember That Movie?
WWE Look! Celebritites! Concept: Still shots of D-List Celebrities and Fish-Out-of-Water Celebs in the wrestling world. Celebrities include Al Sharpton, Yahoo Serious, Stephen Baldwin, Constantine From American Idol, Balloon Boy's Dad, Ron Darling, DJ Lance From Yo Gabba Gabba, Andy Dick, Trish Stratus, Vanilla Ice, Travis Tritt, Meatloaf, and others. Tag Line: LOOK! CELEBRITIES!
WWE Lazy Booking Concept: I don't know. Whatever.
Matches include: Tag Line: Uh, WWE Lazy Booking…Buy The Show. Whatever. I don't know.
Over 200 Stars are Now On
ClubWWI.com!
(42 Minute Audio) Sim "Deuce" Snuka
His WWE Release, Being Uncomfortable as "Jimmy Snuka Jr.," The Inspiration For Deuce and Domino, What Vince McMahon Urged Him About The Snuka Name, What Domino Wanted For The Team, Why Arn Anderson Agreed, Returning To WWE, Going To TNA, People Wanting Him To Wrestle Like His Dad, The Premature End Of Deuce and Domino, Who's Idea It Was For Their Entrance, Hating His Theme Song At First, His Feud With Legacy, Not Wanting To Be a Wrestler, How His Dad Convinced Him, Being a Former TV Cameraman, Talking To WWE Cameraman About Their Shots, The Night He Wrestled His Dad on Pay-Per-View, Being Backstage at WWF as a Kid, Randy Orton, Roddy Piper, Don Muraco, Cherry, and More
Click Here To Join ClubWWI.com!
Raw Theme Plays. This is not safe for work, but to let's be honest. If you're watching videos from the Raw Insanity while sitting in your cubicle, then you don't give a damn if you get fired. Do you?
Raw is U.K., in'it? We're in the land of Davina McCall for an all new edition of the program that's neither cut, nor censored, nor cooked. It's Raw. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are across the pond and we have a show guaranteed to make you shoot a snickers in your knickers. And if you're not down with that, well then our guest host is liable to knock you in the pucker, sucker. It's Ricky Hatton - boxer, Brit, and the real voice behind the infamous music duo Milli Vanilli. (JG Note: Shhhhh. That's a secret.) Cue Ricky Hatton. Yes. AWESOME! I loved him on Silver Spoons. Remember they had the train that ran through their house? That was so cool. His name was Ricky Stratton. Bah. I don't watch boxing. The show kicks off with everyone's favorite Hitman …okay. Maybe everybody's favorite Hitman boxer…wait. I forgot about Thomas Hearns. Okay. It's everyone favorite white boxer with the nickname "Hitman," Ricky Hatton! Hooray! Hatton jaunties up to the ring and he has plenty to say. Like what? Like this… "Hello Sheffield. Welcome to WWE Monday Night Raw. When I was asked to come up and be the guest host, I snapped the invitation up in a split second." Ricky then shows us clips of his last visit to Sheffield. That time around, he knocked out Carlos Masussa. Take a good hard look. You don't want that to be you, do you? Then nobody better lay a finger on Ricky Hatton's Butterfinger…. Did someone say Butterfinger? YUM! Big Show loves Butterfingers. Butter faces - not so much. He love Chris Jericho too. That's why they wear nice suits together and come to the ring as a pair. Y2Big confront mini-Ricky and Show lets his lips do the talking. He tells the teeny tiny superguy to bust a move back to the locker room or else he's going to get beaten like a wee-little egg. Hatton is shocked at Show's reaction. Why are you so mad, baldie? Ricky's a fan of yours. He loved seeing you get beat by Floyd Mayweather at WrestleMania! Ha! Take that, ya big loseriffic douche! Biggie isn't a fan of being mocked. So, he makes an offer. The guest General Manager gets one free shot. One. Punch the largest athlete in the ring right in the face. If you don't kill him, he's coming after you. To this, Hatton replies… "Let me get a ladder." Because he's short. B.S. makes things easier by getting on both knees. Once in the Terry Garvin School of Self Defense position, Show is ready for the shot, but Jericho steps in to stop the insanity. Everybody chill. Chris doesn't want to see some silly battle between his partner and yet another boxer. Enough is enough and it's time for a change! What kind of change? A change of champion. For when Y2J rolls into Survivor Series, he's outdoing both Undertaker and you, Showster, to capture the World Title. Then he'll… …hold on, Canadian Bullsheeter. Ricky Hatton doesn't want to hear your merry ol' jibber jabber. He has some announcements to make. For starters, there's a match set tonight. It's you two goons against…DX! When the King of Bling Bling replies with some bad words for the queen, Hatton claims not to understand what he's saying. A stare down ensues and at the height of the excitement, you-know-who comes out to soak in some of that wonderful attention. They always do… DeGeneration X is in the house and Triple H has tucked his t-shirt into his skimpy wrestling trunks. He looks like he's trying to be one of the Hot Cops from Arrested Development. T-Shirt Tucker mocks JericShow for their celebrity issues. They go after Shaq and get embarrassed. They come after Bob Barker and get Plinko'd. Now, they're messing with Ricky Hatton? You crazy, Daisy? You two doofuses should thank the Heartbreak Game for saving your collective life. They did it so that there would be something left for them to dismantle later tonight… "Actually, forget about tonight. Why not right now?" This sends Chris Jericho scurrying from the ring like a kid bolting from Best Buy with DVDs down his pants. Big Show stays behind, removes his coat…and then, after a few moments, leaves as well. What a girl. You big girl. With the Dudes in Suits leaving the scene, Hunter and Michaels stand alongside their new boxer friend and he lets the bad guys know that of they're not down with that, he's got two words for 'em. Snuck Knit. Or something to that effect. I wasn't paying attention. On a side note, I have to say that Ricky Hatton may be the best host they've had yet. He seemed natural in his role and excited to be there. Out of every segment with guest celebs, this one is definitely at the top of the list.
Commercial Break. This is a real place... 1. Alicia Fox pinned Kelly Kelly after a Scissor Kick It's really hard to analyze any Divas on WWE's roster. Their success or failure doesn't really rest on them too much. Every girl that doesn't get fired goes through a few different pushes. With the exception of a select few, every spot is interchangeable. Heels become faces. Faces become heels. Champs become chumps and back again. Most of them are just waiting for the big names to leave so they can get that go-to-gal spot. Trish, Candice, Mickie James - they're all in their own league. Kelly and Alicia are just biding time until they can play that role. Something tells me that there are a lot of ladies on the roster telling Mickie James, "Oh my God! You'd be such an awesome country music singer! You know what? Go for it. Just go for it. You go, girl! I love how you sing. All country and crap. Go for it! Just quit this place and go for it!" Jerry Lawler asked Michael Cole if he had the number to Kelly Kelly's parents. He said he wanted to thank them. I thought he was going to ask them why they hell they named their daughter Kelly when their last name was Kelly. I mean. Come on. What jerks. During the match, at the bottom of the screen, they showed a picture of Hulk Hogan's new WWE DVD coming out next week. The announcers don't mention it. It's like the giant 800 pound orange gorilla with a receding hairline mullet in the room. I know I'm not talking much about the match, but that's because it was bad. Messy kicks. Weird hotshots. Awkward pins. It was all there. All they needed was Goldberg to run in and slip on his shoelace and we'd be set. Video of People Buying Tickets to WrestleMania 26: Michael Cole says, "Ask anyone in Phoenix! It's the hottest ticket in the world!" Uh…wouldn't I ask anyone in the world then? John Cena has shrunk down to two feet tall and he's walking with Ricky Hatton. Oh….wait. The real John Cena walks up and I realize it's Hatton's kid or something. They exchange pleasantries, shake hands, and everyone has a jolly ol' smile before we watch the adverts.
Last Monday, Sheamus beat Jamie Noble so bad that there's a chance he might have to retire from his lucrative career of losing to everyone. The pale goth Irish kid, Shemus, hits the ring and announces that he has successfully done what no other man has ever really thought about doing - taken out Jamie Noble. Now he will do the same to the man in the other corner…some other jobber guy. Yeah. Stay out of this man's way. He's the Jobber Squasher and no scrub is safe! 2. Sheamus pinned Jobber Rob after the Celtic Cross If wrestling were real, there would be an investigation into how Sheamus keeps getting televised matches against jabronies. You have to figure he's lucky. Others have to fight top notch opponents or end up on Velocity or whatever they have these days. Not Sheamus. You give him a squash and he'll do it up…on Monday Night Raw. It's not such a good thing. He's getting wins, sure. But he's also becoming our own personal Irish Pee-Break. I have no idea if this guy's name is Jobber Rob, by the way. That's what I named him. So that's what he is now. I christen thee, Jobber. The Redheaded Pale Ale hits Rob with his Powerbomb deal and gets another squash victory. Commercial Break. Isn't the kid in this next commercial cute? Yeah. See you at the next commercial break.
Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole push the company's website, tell us about Ricky Hatton's health club, and then go to the Hitman backstage. Ricky Hatton is backstage, as I just told you - pay attention. The Bella Twins are being all flirty with him, like they are to anyone with male genitalia on camera. This brings in Santino Marella in a fat suit. Know why? Ha ha. He's - ha ha - Ricky Fatton. Ha ha! This isn't a shot at Hatton. Apparently, Ricky is in on the joke. Who's not in on the joke? Chavo Guerrero. Raw's unsuccess story arrives and claims he's a better dart player than anyone in the scene. Why? No idea. After losing a dart challenge, Guerrero challenges Marella to a match…only to end up getting booked for a mach against tonight's guest host instead. That's right. Chavo Guerrero vs. Ricky Hatton. Maybe Chavo will win. It could happen. Monkeys could also fly out of Josh Matthew's butt…. ...Elsewhere in the arena, Josh Matthews is standing by when Miz the Monkey flies out of his butt. Miz tells Matthews that at Bragging Rights, he was the only Raw member to win his bout. Too bad no one saw it. Now, as he leads his team to victory at Survivor Series, you all will admit that he's the Miz and he is… …awthhhhome! Jack "It's Not a Lisp" Swagger swaggers into the scene with his giant head and tells his Survivor Series teammate to watch his bout against Evan Bourne tonight. The two then sloppily talk over each other for a while and it all leads to our next bout. Swag promised to win every match he had in 2009 and he will do just that. Because he's the Swag and he is…next! Commercial Break. Remember the kid from the last commercial break? This is him now:
2. Evan Bourne pinned Jack Swagger after a Shooting Star Press Say what you want about WWE's troubles right now, but matches like this one show where the company is headed. Sure, they're heavy on old dudes in the main event, but sometimes you have to scrape the bottom to realize you're really there. That's where they are right now. When things start waning and the top of the card gets stale, that's when they kick the young guys into high gear. All three here - Evan, Jack, and Miz - qualify in that spot. Just an observation, maybe it's because it's winter, but everyone is overdoing the tanning lately. I noticed it throughout the night. Everyone on the show is orangish brown now except Sheamus, Ricky Hatton, and his seven year old kid. Miz showed up halfway throught the bout and although he did nothing to interfere, the mere presence of the US Champion was enough to distract Jack Swagger. Evan chalked up another win and The All American American's promise to win every match until 2010 didn't even make it out of mid-November.
Driving the WWE Car, Kyle Busch won his NASCAR race and held aloft his WWE Title replica at Victory Lane. He said it was given to him, but he wishes he could have actually won it. All I can say is thank God Vince Russo isn't working for WWE right now. Welcome to the VIP Lounge. Your host MVP and his big red buddy, Mark Henry, welcome the crowd to their fake talk show. After asking his Carson if he can do the introduction, Mark "Ed McMahon" Henry gives the big intro to the captain of his Survivor Series team. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrresssssssssssssss…..Kofi! S.O.S. I hear them crying. Why are they crying? Because the former Jamaican from Africa is heading to the ring and the crowd is bopping along to his infectious theme song. Kofi Kingston gives his PPV teammates a big smile and basks in their gratitude for choosing them as partners. Sans accent, Double K and his friends discuss how Randy Orton's new car was vandalized a few weeks back. Kingston showed the world that Legacy can't bully him anymore! Then, last week, this happened… Last Week on Raw: Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Mark Henry defeated Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase when Mark Henry ripped off Cody's left leg, dipped it in Horseradish Dressing, and ate it. After watching the clip, the three VIPs pop a bottle of champagne, propose a toast, and…just beg to get interrupted by bad guy music. I hear voices in my head. They council me. They're underwear…. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase walk up the aisle and are stopped by - get this - security. The one guard that the three giant wrestlers have hired to keep out riff-raff doesn't do the the one job he's paid to do as the evil trio are allowed into the squared circle. The Legend Killer stands face to face with Booker T Jr. and his newfound friends. Ah! He nailed you and didn't even kiss you! How so? Well, Henry stole a win last week. MVP stole from innocent people when he was a kid. Oh, and Kofi Kingston vandalized Orton's car. You guys are evil deeks! How dare you try to be all big and heroic when you're just punks. Cody takes a shot at the three babyfaces and then Ted does. In a move that I was calling for long ago, DiBiase mentions his daddy's money and things get heated… "The only place you three belong is the hood where you came from." Just as the violence is about to reach the climax, we head to a commercial. Yeah. That makes a whole lot of sense. Commercial Break. How were toys created in 1963? By molesting children apparently...
Stephanie! This is your father calling! I'm watching Randy Orton's match on Raw and I have two questions for you, young lady. First of all, why are you giving away a big money match on TV? Second, when did Kofi Kingston get so f**kin' bloated!? I can't believe that you…what? Oh wait. I see Kofi at ringside. Never mind. Good talk, honey. 3. Randy Orton pinned Mark Henry after the RKO
Why does this match keep happening? They never did it until a few months ago, now I feel like Mark Henry is fighting Randy Orton every ten minutes. This whole match was just a cog in the big six man feud. You can't view it as a standalone thing. They weren't looking to blow anyone away or impress the fans. It was just another chapter leading up to the Series. It featured the usual spots before Mark paused over a Randy Sunset flip attempt. He lifted the Legacy leader by his throat, but when Ort hit his feet, he nailed the RKO, and got a three count. Oh…wait. I forgot. I mean - You don't mess with Kofi, man. Commercial Break. Uh...Yeah....
4. Ricky Hatton defeated Chavo Guerrero via knockout Ricky Hatton came to the ring in a sombrero. Because, you know, Chavo needs to deal with that crap too. It's not enough that he loses to anyone that Vince McMahon manages to hit with a spitball before the show starts. Hey but at least Hatton is a real fighter rather than a throwaway celebrity. With boxing gloves on, Ricky cornered Kerwin and managed to keep him on the defensive. Although the former ECW Champion managed to wrest him to the mat a few times, it was a sharp punch to the mush that took Chavito down for the count. Meh. I'm so tired of Chavo's losses and Santino Marella's silliness. To give you an idea, I'm dreading going to Gamestop tonight to pick up my reserved copy of Modern Warfare 2. I just hate standing on line with weird people and all that. That said…I'd rather be doing that than watching this segment.
Commercial Break. Oh Early '80s, thank God we had VCRs to record you... Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler run down the Survivor Series card. It starts in 15 minutes and costs $700. Call your local cable operator for availability. John Cena is unhappy with Hornswoggle. The little green leprechaun refuses to listen to DeGeneration X's legal threats. He's still wearing their merchandise and infringing on their copyright. When the DXers show up, Cena tells the mini-man to hide away. He does and the angry DeGens come into the scene looking for him. We then go on to watch a tongue-in-cheek comedy skit between HBK, HHH, and The Marine complete with puns about Twitter and whacky William Shatner-like line delivery. Wonderful. Glad to see them injecting Vaudeville nonsense into the main event stuff too. When Swoggle finally reemerges at the end to confront Shawn and Trips, he's no longer wearing DX gear. Instead, he's dressed like the Doctor of Thuganomics and even delivers "the You Can't See Me" sign to drive the point home. This whole skit was so cheesy that you could dip your nachos in it. Commercial Break. I can't tell if this commercial is weird, strange, or just friggin' scary.
Last week, Raw was hosted by Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. In a "Talent Show," Santino dressed as Ozzy. Former
ClubWWI.com guest Chris Masters made his boobs dance. Chavo Guerrero and Jillian Garcia sang and danced. Oh how we laughed. Oh how we cried. Actually, I only remember the crying. Not so much the laughter. Just a whole lotta tears... Next week's Raw Host at Madison Square Garden is Rowdy Roddy Piper. Fans may remember Roddy Piper as that crazy rambling guy who sort of looks like a fatter older version of the really funny guy named Roddy Piper from when I was a kid. Before we begin our next bout, the man planted on the roster by Triple H in order to take the ire of smart mark fans away from him, John Cena, takes a seat at the announce table. (JG Note: What? Too much of a conspiracy theory for you to buy into? Fine. But you have to admit, for a second there you were like, "Hey…Could it really be…?") Hey Chris. Are you all ready for the presentation? The crowd's all set. Sure. But first, what are your names? Oh. I almost forgot. I'm Hadji and this is Fag. Ready? Wait…what? I'm not calling you that! Dude. It's a horror convention. Who's paying attention? Let's just go…. 5. Shawn Michaels and Triple H defeated Chris Jericho and Big Show when Michaels pinned Jericho Survivor Series looks pretty crappy main-event-wise. I mean, we're doing the same gimmick twice in one night. Two teams forced to face each other in a Triple Threat match order to become World Champion. It seems redundant. I'm sure someone at Titan Tower thought it would be okay because one match has babyfaces doing it and the other has heels. Then again, I'm sure that same person at Titan Tower also can't figure out why 13 people bought Bragging Rights. Cena wasn't too great on commentary here. I hate when he plays the overly gracious opponent. I get it. You're nice. We don't have to hear about how wonderful your challengers are. Just be mad and tell me how you're going to beat them. Save the respect for your mama - or whatever it is they say. Of course, given the upcoming PPV card, one of these men had to accidentally hit his partner. That man was Big Show. He mistakenly knocked Jericho with a weak knockout punch, Chris fell and HBK got the 1,2,3. After the bell, Justin "The Snustin" Roberts announced that next week's Raw will be DeGeneration X vs. Big Show and Chris Jericho vs. John Cena and… Bong, Bong, Bong… Rob Van Dam? Yup. Taker's music hits, he steps out onto the stage, content with flying to England in order to work for 45 seconds as we fade to black. All in all…Not a bad show. I think WWE has been doing more right lately than wrong. Ricky Hatton wasn't bad either. He knew everyone's name and seemed excited to be hosting. They need more celebrities like that. Calling wrestlers or PPVs by the wrong name is inexcusable. It undoes any good you get from having a celebrity hosting the show. It's like when Koko B. Ware told me during his Radio Free Insanity interview that I could be the most popular host on my radio station for all he knew. You just want to bury your head in your hand and say, "Why did you agree to do this?" Survivor Series has two duplicate World Title Matches. Same gimmick. Same concept. No one cares either way. I'm actually looking forward to Batista vs. Rey Mysterio the most. That too is something I feel they've done really well. The trick to criticizing WWE is to credit them when the move in the right direction. Sure there are still some cheesy and hokey moments, but by and large, things could be a lot worse right now. You get the feeling that the powers-that-be see the troubles that have plagued their company and finally, although slowly, are taking steps to correct them.
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...
Lance
Cade D-Ray
3000 Bobby
Eaton Manny
Fernandez Greg Gagne Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Harley
Race Dave Taylor
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| All content contained here Copyright 2010 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
