Get it? Got it? Good. Let's roll, kids. Smoke a blunt with Helen Keller because tonight Raw is High Def!

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome us to the show and hype what's on the  way. Coming up tonight, Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton will shake hands. Although they don't say it, I'm guessing that they'll be shaking hands with each other. It wouldn't make much sense if they just came out, held both hands in the air, and shook 'em while singing "Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are! Hah-cha-cha-cha!" Although, given the way this show is scripted sometimes, it wouldn't shock me.

1. Shawn Michaels pinned Mr. Kennedy after Sweet Chin Music

The new set for Raw isn't bad. It's not a huge difference, but more like an updated Titantron for 2008. The funny thing is that there's sure to be people complaining that the WWE video game is now outdated because of it. Ah. Good ol' wrestling fans. They could find a reason to complain about free ice cream cake (JG Note: It's too cold!) On one hand, you have to feel that this feud has done a lot for Kennedy. On the other, you have to feel that it's been underwhelming given what it could have been. It feels less like a major conflict each week and more like auto-pilot. Given the talents of both men, it's not surprising that they've been able to make it work no matter how little creative energy is put into it lately. It started off strong, but hasn't had as much oomph these last few weeks.  One thing I noticed during this one match how the ringside mics seemed to be louder than usual. You could clearly hear Ken calling Shawn "trash" and repeating phrases like "I hate you" and "Does that hurt" as he worked over his neck. Ken's smack talk finally came to a close when HBK regained control. He hit Double K with an inverted atomic drop and a flying elbow. That appeared to signal some Sweet Chin Music, but Mr. K telegraphed it and rolled from the ring. That didn't stop the Boy Toy's offense though. Instead, he propelled himself over the top rope and onto the unsuspecting K-Dub. We then go to a commercial and when we return Jim Ross shows all the cool stuff I missed on replay. Sure. I sit here bored watching advertisements for "Dave and Buster's" while the lucky stiffs in the arena get to see cool stuff. Jerks. Then again, they don’t get to hear Jim Ross or Jerry Lawler. So - ha to them. Also, they don’t get to watch Raw in HD. They just get to see it in person - which is substantially blurrier and less colorful than High Definition. So ha again. During the match, Kennedy wound up with a cut above his eye. He didn't let that stop his attack. He raised his knees in time to block a flying elbow, but ended up hurting himself in the process. He did manage to score one more near fall, but the Rocker is always waiting with that tuned-up foot. Out of nowhere, Shawn landed the Superkick and scored the victory. Hallelujah.  Chuck must be watching over him.

Randy Orton is feeling up his neck backstage. He's also either talking to someone off-camera…or himself. Both are equally probable. Apparently, Dandy Randy isn't happy with the decision to force him to shake hands with Jeff Hardy tonight. What da eff?! He tried to kill the Legend Killer. How could you allow that…Vince? At this point, the camera pans back to reveal Mr. McMahon. Big Mac tells Orton that he will need to make nice whether he likes it or not. Come on, kid.  Don't you realize how many people VKM has had to shake hands with that he didn't like? * * *

"It's why I carry Purell or some other hand sanitizer with me all the time now. I can't stand it!"
- Vince McMahon

Now, come on, Randall. Realize the situation. If you shake hands with Captain Fruit Loop tonight, people will think you're a good guy. They'll think you're a sweetie pie. In reality, you're an angry,incorrigible, jerk face. That's who you are. But do yourself a favor. Get in Jeffery's face. Smile. Look him in the eye. Make him wonder, "How can I stop this guy?" You'll be glad that you did. It's the only move to make.  Now go out there and do what you do best. Shake hands. Ha-cha-cha-cha!

Commercial Break. Yes. The third tab just kicked in.

Celebrity Apprentice McMahon/Trump Video Package. Vince McMahon will appear on Donald Trump's reality program this Thursday. Donald tells the contestants that McMahon is the best promoter he's ever known. When asked to name three other promoters, Trump named Don King, P.T. Barnum, and that's all I know.

We then head back at the table where Jerry Lawler is wearing 3D glasses. Seeing this, Jim Ross cries out, "It's HD! Not 3D!" Honk!  Honk!  Waka-waka-waka. They should hire a little man come out and bang a gong to end segments like this.

Video package of Jeff Hardy. Much like Randy Orton, Hardy has really grown in this business. He was always the guy with potential. Now he's the biggest thing going today. This pay-per-view is more important than many people realize. With this as the main event, WWE is really shifting things in a different direction, at least for the time being. Both these guys have definitely earned it.

Recap of the 2002 Royal Rumble. Triple H eliminated Kurt Angle to win it. If any of your casual WWE-only fan friends ever ask you what happened to Kurt Angle, just tell them that he grew a beard and is now going by the name Rory McAllister. It's fun.

I guess that video lead to some TNA inspiration for WWE creative because William Regal came out to inform Triple H of his opponents tonight. That's right. It's Gauntlet time. The Game will face three separate opponents in an over-the-top rope challenge. Of course, as soon as Willie says that, we all know who the men are. It's the Gargantuan Crew, consisting of the company's monsters. The first one is…

6. Royal Rumble Qualifier: Triple H won an over-the-top rope Gauntlet

6a. Triple H eliminated Gene Snitsky

When you're the first of three to challenge a hero, you have no chance. None. Zero. The sliding scale says that the third guy has the best chance. The second guy has a slim chance. The last guy has no chance. The good guy who's outnumbered - as always - has the best chance.

6b. Triple H eliminated Mark Henry

I wrote that line before it happened.

6c. Triple H eliminated William Regal.

Before he ran to the ring, William appeared to tell someone waiting off-camera to stay put. His Lordship will handle this rough-n-tumble. Still clad in his suit, Regal rushed the ring and landed a few punches. That's all though. The King of Beards nailed an A.A. Spinebuster and tossed Lord Fancyhair from the ring. Underwhelming? Yeah. We all wondered how Trips would get back into the Rumble match. I just don't think anyone expected it to be so blah. The gauntlet just seemed thrown together. Regardless, though, Helmsley is in the Royal Rumble. Now you have a reason to order it. Enjoy.

Randy Orton stood tall and stared at Jeff Hardy. The whole scene was weird because the whole time, there was a big space between them. You could clearly see the people in the first few rows of the audience standing there and watching. It was like they were part of the show. The shot was distracting, actually. I spent most of the time staring at them to see if one of them might pick their nose or fall down or something. It didn't happen. The production crew seemed to have picked up on it too because by the end, they were only showing close up shots of their faces instead of the wide shot.

Anyway, Ort has something to say and he says it:

"I'm gonna be honest with you , Jeff Hardy. Ever since I found out that you were gonna be my opponent at the Rumble, I've been relieved. But don't get me wrong, you have done some amazing things, but you've never come close to becoming the WWE Champion. But I'll admit it - I'll admit that I have underestimated you. Every time I close my eyes I see an image of Jeff Hardy crashing down on me from 30 feet in the air. So congratulations. Although you will not be winning this title this Sunday, you have won something almost as important. My respect."
- Randy Orton

Well la-di-freakin'-da. Newsflash, Randall. Hardy doesn't care about your respect. That's not why he did it. He did it to hurt you! He did it for Matt Hardy's appendix! He did it because he waited years for this. Most importantly, he did this to show you that he's going to become "WWE Champion." As for shaking hands with people he respects, you best get in line. There's tons of people here that Jeff cares more about then you. To illustrate this point, he leaves the ring and walks up to Jim Ross and shakes his hand.

"Like Jim Ross!"

"Like Jerry Lawler!"

"Like Lillian Garcia!"

He then walks over to the front row of fans and starts asking people their name. They tell him and he repeats it.

"Like Ryan!"

"Like Bobby!"

"Like Cory!"

"Like Ethan!"

"Like Justin!"

"Like Kevin!"

"Like Chris!"

"Like Wayne!"

A little kid screams out, "It's my birthday, man!"

"Like Jordan!"

"Like Christina!"

"Like Brian!"

"Like Snoopy!"

"Like Uncle Ralph!"

"Like Cooter!"

JG@ WorldWrestlingInsanity.com