Last week, Chavo Guerrero won the ECW Title. First he grows back his hair. Now this. Is there anything you can't do, Chavito?

ECW Theme Plays. I shine like Morrissey on Hennessey on Christmas Eve.

Yambags and cream cheese, folks. It's time for some EXTREME action on Sci-Fi. Of course, by "extreme" we mean "Smackdown Junior." Joey "Secret Father of AJ" Styles and The Human Announcing Machine Tazz are seated at ringside for tonight's broadcast. What's in store? Chavo is going to be throwing a Championship Fiesta! I hope they get Chi Chi's to cater it. Yum! But first, let's head down to ring announcer John Goodman.

1. Kane defeated Shelton Benjamin via countout.

Isn't it funny that Shelton was brought over to ECW in order to help save Elijah Burke but ended up on his way to becoming the new Elijah Burke? He had all this potential. Most thought he was the next top ECW Challenger, if not the champion. Now he's sinking fast with no end in sight. The Royal Rumble appearance didn't help him much at all. In fact, without reading too much into it, you get the symbolism. He ran in and did a impressive athletic move. Following that, he was quickly dumped out. It's like saying that no matter how much talent you might have, it doesn't mean you'll be the winner. It's unfortunate because there's a lot of money to be made from Shelton and even Burke for that matter. Then again, we shouldn't complain. A part of me is surprised that WWE didn't put a white coat on Elijah and make him "Dr. Burke" - the homophobic surgeon. In this match, Benji does get a chance to redo his spot from the Rumble. With Kane on the top rope, he leapt all the way up and superplexed him down. It's pretty amazing when I think about how a superplex was a major deal when I was a kid. Now here's a guy that can get into position and execute it in less than two seconds. Shelt didn't limit his offense to the high risk moves either. He focused on the Monster's knee and tried to force a submission for a while. When Big Red finally regained control on Charlie Haas' ex, it was too much for Shelly to take. After a hard kick to the face, Benjamin rolled from the ring and up the aisle. He let the referee do his countin' thing and accepted the loss.

Kelly Kelly is walking to the ring. Gather the kids. Her cleavage is next!

Commercial Break. Lycos 1998.

WWE's Slam of the Week is brought to you by Rambo. Yes. The guy who said there was nothing wrong with HGH. He's bringing you the slam of the week. It's like saying, "WWE's Slam of the Week is brought to you by…Irony."

2. Victoria pinned Kelly Kelly

Victoria has this new short haircut. It doesn't matter what haircut she gets. No matter what she does, I'll always have a fond spot for Vicki. After all, this is the same girl that went around licking all the other divas on the face right around the time I first started reviewing Raw. That, the Tatu theme song, and the fact that she's a really good wrestler all make her a favorite. Surprisingly, the match wasn't bad on either side here. Kelly even pulled off a number of good spots including a swinging head scissors. Leyla and Lea came out to ringside. Unhappy over their bikini loss to Kelly last week, this evil duo wanted a better look at her contest. That's what Tazz figures. Maybe they're just here to cheer the bad girl. It would only be smart. After all, that's the one who won.  Ding.  Ding.  Ding.  All the things she said, all the things she said....Runnin' through my head, runnin' through my head...

After the victory, Toria invited Leyla and Lea into the ring. Ley took that opportunity to awkwardly slam Double K to the mat. Then they all posed.  Another nameless Diva stable.  Hooray.  The most successful one of those was P.M.S. and they weren't even good.

Backstage, Colin Delaney is in full-scale bandage mode like Eric Idle in National Lampoon's European Vacation. Look, kids. Big Ben. Parliament.

Commercial Break. Welcome to Good Burger. Home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?

It's Tazz alongside WWE's newest star - Colin Delaney. (JG Note: Delaney has the dubious distinction of looking exactly like most champions of backyard wrestling federations. I can picture him in an off-center gif with the caption that reads, "Colin Delaney - XWIC Southern Universal Champion.") Hey, Collie, why do you suck out loud? What's up with that? You're constantly getting beaten.  The Sunglasses Man From Red Hook has something to say about that.

What Tazz should have said: "Dude! What the hell? Why are you so bad at this? This is your job. It's your job? Don't you take pride? You get beat up? You're not supposed to get beat up. If you were a pilot and kept crashing your plane, you'd get fired! Come on!"

What Tazz said: "No, Colin is not dressed up like the Mummy. Colin has had some experiences that cause him to be held together by this athletic tape."

Now it's time to see some of Colin's bigest beatdowns.  The Tazmaniac apologizes to Delaney for any grief the following video might cause him, but - whatever. Shut up.

Video of Colin Delaney getting pummeled by: Big Daddy V, Mark Henry, Kane, Great Khali, and Shelton Benjamin. Uh…so? Ever hear of a fella named Iron Mike Sharpe? Riki Ataki? Omar Atlas? Reno F'n Riggins?!

Anyway, smile. Buck up, stupid. Tonight you're not going to have to fight one superstar. No. You'll fight two. See what I did there? Not one, but two. Those two are the WWE Tag Team Champions. That's right. It's M and M.  Blam!

3. WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison and The Miz defeated Colin Delaney

I'm not sure where they end this angle. Does Colin eventually get surgery and finds he has super powers? Does he go crazy? I don't get it. As of now, his gimmick is that he's a bad wrestler. That's a tough guy to push. Miz looks thrilled with life right now and rightfully so. Hats off to Mike Mizanin. Here's someone who came in on the wrong end of doofy gimmick. His initial entrance was on the premise that people would love him just for being so quirky cool. That's a tougher sell that the bad wrestler gimmick. After the flip to the side of evil, Mizter found his true spot - alongside John Morrison. Strangely enough, I think that this team might end up doing more for Johnny's career than MNM did. These guys have really good chemistry.  Everytime you see them together, they seem more and more like a great team.  This may be one of those experiments that just ends up working better than anyone thought.

After the pinfall, M and M attempted to continue the beat down. This didn't sit well with Tommy Dreamer. The ECW Original sprung from the back and rushed to the ring. The heels ran off and the walking bop-bag survived to lose another day.

Commercial Break. Makes your teeth go…pop, pop, poppa, pop.

Hey Airbourne, thanks for doing the Royal Rumble theme. Also, thanks for keeping me from catching a cold on long plane rides. Hey CM, you want some water?

No man! I don't drink!

Oh. I thought you meant alcohol. I didn't think you meant…

Everything? Well, yeah. Everything.

You don't drink anything at all?

No.

Aren't you thirsty?

OH GOD YES!

CM Punk is obviously the top babyface right now. As the recent Champion, the whole thing with him is that he wants to reclaim the gold. It also means that anyone he faces besides the champ is a lame duck. Elijah isn't beating him. You know that. If you can forget it, though, you can sit back and enjoy the match. It wasn't the greatest match ever, but it was still a solid performance from two young stars who will most likely go on to big things through they years. Eli had control for a bit, but the obvious ending was always right around the corner. Up in the F5 position and down in crack-your-skull-in position, The Burker goes to sleep.

Commercial Break. 10-10-321...

WWE Magazine tried to drown Jeff Hardy and they have the photos to prove it. Also, this year, the Elimination Chamber will decide who goes on to challenge for the WWE Title at WrestleMania. Royal What-ble? Yo, Kofi. They're playing your music. Oh…hey. Kofi. Would you be able to…you know, get for me? Just like ten bucks. That's all I need.  Just ten.  Not saying you can! Oh. Not saying you can. No offense. Just figured maybe you might know where to get some good stuff. That's all.

5. Kofi Kingston pinned Rob Eckos after a kick to the head.

Kofi Kingston should thank God that Booker T isn't here anymore or else they would have made him his little brother. It's not a race thing either. It's a dreadlock thing. The crowd, though, doesn't go completely wild for Kingston. It seemed to be more because we're conditioned to not care about squash matches than anything to do with person involved. That said, Mr. Kofi still brewed up their spirits and had people into things somewhat by the end. He hit the Bad News Ghetto Blaster and scored the pinfall.

There's a Mariachi Band! Stereotypes are up next! Stay tuned...and drop the Chalupa.

Commercial Break. Anything less would be uncivilized, Alf.

It's time for Chavo Guerrero's Sexy Party.

The Mariachi Band, straight from the old TNA Hector Garza days, plays in the ring. They sing a bit and then Armando Alejandro Jacob Arnold Estrada introduces the next ECW Champion.  Chavo Guerrero...come on down!

Tazz says that Chavo is "now in the fraternity." I guess they still figure it's a fraternity of champions even though it's two completely different animals. How so?  Well, for starters, the Taz ECW wouldn't do a Fiesta skit. But, we digress.

Armando has to give Chavito some bad news, Vicki Guerrero and Edge can't be here. However, here's a video that ought to push some buttons. It's the World Champion of The Smackdown World with something to say.  Check it out on the High DefinitionTron.

"Chavo, we really wanted to be there for you tonight but thanks to Rey Mysterio's 619 on Vicki, physically and emotionally, she is not in a good place right now and that's why I'm here. I'm here to comfort her. Nonetheless we wanted to congratulate you and thank you for making my Vicki's dreams come true and bringing us all together as a family of Champions. And as part of my new familiglia, Chavo here's my gift to you."
- Edge

Chavo Guerrero video package. 

Yikes. I didn't get why people had an issue with Edge making out with Vicki but I could see where this whole thing will piss people off. Now he's playing the role as the creep who's taking over Eddie's life. His wife. His family. It's pretty crappy, in my opinion and an obvious reaction to fans who were turned off from the whole thing initially. After all, that's the underlying premise of the whole thing, right? Who's this jerk coming in with the "My Vicki" and calling Chavo "family?" Man.   Edgy Guerrero - La Cheapo Heat.

Back in the ring, the new ECW Champion seemed thrilled with his new found success. He spoke some words of championly splendor and cued the band. They played on and he let out a squeal to show his approval.  It sounded like a dying giraffe.  With that, the balloons dropped from the sky. Huh? Oh - green and red. Yeah.  They probably got a good rate on it because Christmas was last month.

The decorations were meant to help celebrate, but instead were a distraction. They were a distraction for Mariachi Man #3 to attack with his guitar. You don't know who Mariachi Man #3 is? Oh well…

…it's CM Punk with a mustache! Punk knocks out Kerwin White with one shot and then stands over him with his ECW title in hand. Lucky for him that CM did that.  If he hadn't, this "party" would have been Chavo dancing in circles by himself.  Some party...loooooser. 

Still clad in his Mariachi outift, El Matador Tito Punktana stand tall, content with his Honky Tonk Man Revenge as we fade to black.

All in all…Good edition of ECW. Then again, most are.

No matter what, you get a solid match almost every week on this show. When you factor in that it's an hour long, it's even better. Anyone who's unhappy with ECW needs to think of it less as a comparison to the old ECW and more as the new Sunday Night Heat. Would you rather have Heat or this? Yeah. Me too.

I can't help but feel like this Chavo Guerrero thing really hurts Punk. I don't know. I'm not into seeing him chase Chavo. If it was Big Daddy V, I'd totally be into it. That would have a David vs. Goliath thing to it. Chavo? That's lame. The whole point of this storyline is to get Edge over as a disgusting family stealer rather than float the ECW brand. That's pretty obvious.

The whole thing here is to make Edgy Guerrero the most hated heel in the company. That speech was pretty over the top and it was written to be that way. It also makes you realize that Chavo only became ECW Champ so that Edge could do the whole "family of Champions" stuff. Maybe that's why we can't figure out what they could have planned for the ECDub scene in all this. There is nothing. They knew it would hurt the current setup in ECW, but it would help Smackdown.  That's all there is to it.  Ah. That feels better. My head had been hurting trying to figure it out.

Colin Delaney is a fun distraction. Where can it go that it won't turn out completely lame? Not too many places. It'll be interesting where it ends up long-term.

Kofi Kingston looked pretty good. Victoria did too. Yes. Everything was good. Not too much to point to and be like, "How can a midget run through a wall?! It's not a real hole! Carlito! What's wrong with you!"

That does it for me. Stick around for a new ClubWWI uncut interview during the week. Thanks for reading. Be well.