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JG's 1/4/10 Raw vs. Impact Insanity: Bret Hart Tries To Move Past 1997, Hulk Hogan Tries To Recreate It, Impact Says Hello To 100 Former WWE Stars, Raw Says Goodbye To One
Top Secret Boardroom Somewhere Between Orlando and Stamford...Sunday Night... - Vince McMahon and Triple H enter. Eric Bischoff is waiting. - Eric Bischoff: Gentlemen. Welcome. Please take a seat.
Vince McMahon: You're still wearing the leather jacket that you stole from wardrobe.
Eric: Oh Vince, what's a little leather between friends? Huh? Am I right?
Triple H: I think he's hitting on you.
Vince: Me too. Are you hitting on me, Eric? Is that why you called me here? Sex?! You want SEX?!
Eric: (shocked) What? No! Unless you'd like...(long pause) No! I called you because I have a person here who has something to say to you. Come on in, Hulk!
Hulk Hogan limps into the room. Bischoff claps.
Hulk Hogan: Surprised to see me, brother?
Vince: (smiling with his hand outstretched) Absolutely! My God! What have you been up to, my man? Great to see you!
Hogan: (shaking Vince's hand...confused) Uh...you haven't heard?
Vince: Heard what? I know your kid banged up his car or something, but - yeah. No. What's going on? What are you up to? How's the wife?
Hogan: (sitting down) Um. She's gone. I've been spending time doing interviews and talking about my book.
Vince: No way! You read a book?!
Hulk stares at Vince blankly.
Hogan: I wrote a book.
Vince: Shut up! No you didn't! With your own two hands?
Hogan: Yeah. I did. Also, I signed with TNA.
Vince: SHUT UP! NO WAY! That's awesome! Good ol' TNA - The Spanish Music Channel.
Hogan: (amazed) What? No. The wrestling company.
Hunter:
Wait. Stop. Stop. Hold the phone...there's a Spanish Music Channel?
Hunter: (excited) Yeah. Me too. I'd go out to Shawn's ranch back in the late 90s and Jose Lothario would sing "Tingalayo" while we all drank hot choc...
Hogan: (waving his arms) Uh, hello? I'm talking here. I'm with TNA now and, brother, we're coming for you!
Hunter: Coming for our what? Our Lucky Charms?
- Hogan: What? No. You. We're coming for you. We're going head to head with you on Monday night.
Hunter: Who is? You?
-
Hunter: (pause) Wait. Wait. Wait. Hang on...What does all this have to do with Spanish music?
Eric: (frustrated) What?! Nothing. Vince. Let me lay it out for you in plain talk. We're from TNA. That's a wrestling company. We're going to present our program, TNA Impact, on Spike TV at the same time as Raw on January 4th.
Vince: (long pause)...in Spanish?
Eric: NO! Not in Spanish! We're a wrestling company! It has nothing to do with Spanish!
Hunter: Spanish people like wrestling. See? That's why you lost the Monday Wars.
Vince: He's got you there. Spanish people like wrestling. Pedro Morales. Rey Mysterio. Hurricanrana. Spanish Fly. People like 'em.
-
Hogan: Look. Brother. Let me make it clear. We're a United States wrestling promotion. Here. (reaching into his pocket) Here's a list of our wrestlers. This is our roster.
Hogan passes the list across the table.
Vince: (squinting) OK. Ah. Yes. I see what you've done here. I like what you have here.
Hogan: You have to take it out of the envelope.
Vince: Oh. OK. (opens envelope and takes out paper) Ah. There we are.
Hunter: (rubbing the list between his thumb and forefinger) This is nice paper. You get this from Staples?
No one answers.
Vince: OK. Now. Here. This fellow. Is this the singer?
Eric: (closing his eyes in frustration) No, Vince. Not the singer. Sting is a wrestler.
Eric: Chris Sabin?
Vince: Yeah. Is this Chris Sabin the singer?
Eric: (confused) There's a singer named Chris Sabin?
Vince: He sings that Paparazzi song.
Hunter: Nice! (singing) Baby we'll be famous, hold you down till you love me. Papa-papa-razzi!
Vince: Yeah. That's it. Him. Is this the same Chris Sabin?
Eric: Lady Gaga sings that song.
Vince: AH HA! Lady Gaga! That's it. Sorry. It sort of sounds like Chris Sabin, right? Lady Gaga - Chris Sabin.
Hogan: They sound nothing alike.
-
Hunter: Of course they do. (looking at the list) Hey. You guys have Awesome Kong! I remember that guy from WCW. He was so smelly.
Eric: (dejected) No. This Awesome Kong's a woman.
Hunter: (shocked) He was a woman?
Eric: No. No. That's not what I'm saying. The one you knew then was a man.
Hunter: (jaw dropped) Holy crap! He had a sex change?!
Vince: (perking up) You mean they cut off his....
Vince looks down in shock. -
Vince: Yikes! That's crazy. A Tranny Wrestler?! Now there's a concept! How much you guys want for it? Name your price.
Eric: (exacerbated) It's a different person! It's not the same person!
Hogan: (whispering) Yo. Brother. Why did you tell him that? He was taking his wallet out. Chase the money. Chase the money.
Eric: There's no point. He would have eventually noticed that her skin color's different anyway. We're not about to convince them that they can change someone from white to black.
Hunter: (shocked) You can change someone from white to black?! WOW!
Vince: That's amazing! Like Michael Jackson in reverse!
Eric: (slapping his hand to his forehead) Crap. Anyway, this meeting seems kind of over.
Vince:
It does.
Hey, you guys have fun doing that Spanish Dance Party thing on Monday night.
We're doing Raw with Bret Hart.
I'll be sure to download you on Shoetube or Facef*ck or whatever it is the kids do.
Have a good life. Both parties walk from the room and go their separate ways to waiting cars...
Once out of earshot...
Hunter:
Yo.
You know who they are, right?
Other side of the parking lot...
Eric:
(on his cell phone)
Yeah.
Yeah, Dixie.
I pointed at him and I said, "We're bringing it!"
Then he started crying....Yeah.
Tears....He brought Hunter with him, but Hulk body slammed him...Huh?
Yup.
Just like Hulk did at WrestleMania 1 against The Ultimate Warrior.
That's right...Okay.
Listen, we're stopping at Starbucks on the way home.
You want anything?
OK.
We'll just charge it to Panda Energy.
Good deal.
You got it.
Bye.
Hogan:
My legs hurt.
Can we head back?
I want to drink a Sanka and watch some Murder She Wrote.
Eric:
Of course we can, Champ.
Of course we can.
-
On the other side of the cablevision spectrum, is the best there is...well, was.
"Is" was more in the 90s.
Doesn't make any sense now.
Anyway, yeah.
Bust out your foil sunglasses because the
pink and black attack, Bret "Hitman" Hart returns to the scene of the crime - WWE.
Yup.
Just like the Welcome Back Kotter theme, it's Welcome back...to the same old place that you whined about.
Or something like that.
Either way, Hart's aflutter for Raw on USA as he generally manages the banner show and confronts the evil Mr. McMahon.
Me?
I'm watching both.
Yup.
Both shows.
Tonight's Raw vs. Impact Insanity is either going to be monumental...or it's going to send me off the deep end, running through the streets screaming like a smurf in the tea kettle.
Okay.
So with all that out of the way, let's talk turkey.
TNA is three hours.
Raw is two.
That means that TNA goes their first hour unopposed.
That sucks for two reasons.
First - they get a freebie hour with no competition.
That's not fair.
Second - I don't get to practice how the hell I'm going to review two shows at once until 9pm EST.
That's not fair either.
I mean, imagine Raw starts and I still haven't figured out how to do this damn thing.
Come on, TNA.
So, in order to even things up, I will be reviewing the first hour of TNA Wrestling against... the latest episode of MTV's hit reality show about 20-something guidos stereotyping an entire culture and state while living in a house - Jersey Shore on my Tivo.
There.
That way TNA doesn't sail through and I have something else to hold my attention in case the yellow and red hurts my head.
So buckle up, kids.
We're an hour away from Hulk vs. Bret.
But now it's time for some Hulk vs. Snooki.
Take it away, Orlando....
-
(JG Note:
Before we get started, I wanted to quickly explain the set-up here.
The shows are going head-to-head and so is this Insanity.
But let's say you don't want to read about Raw or Impact or - gasp - The Jersey Shore.
No worries.
At the end of each show's segment will be a link to the next one.
Click that and you'll immediately jump to the next update on that particular show.
Consider it your own virtual remote clicker.
Now, let's gear up and kick it live in Orlando...)
Recap of TNA's History. Tonight, a new era begins. God comes to TNA and gives us all golden apples and rainbow wishes. Weee! All hail the orange man!
Impact Theme Plays. You know, after all these years, I think I finally know the "she" they're talking about in this song.
Welcome everyone to Monday Night Impact. The Professor Mike Tenay alongside Tazzy Shiavone at ringside for what promises to be the biggest night in the history of our great sport. There's a new seating area for the announcers. It's very blue but the commentators are excited. Change is in the air and Tazz thinks that "the TNA we all know will never be the same after tonight's over." Guess he's finally admitting that he didn't like the old TNA, huh? Can we talk about that now? About how sucky it was? New era and all that, right?
Matches announced: Beer Money vs. British Invasion, Rhino vs. Abyss, ODB vs. Tara
Tazz introduces our newest TNA announce team member, Hulk Hogan's friend Bubba The Love Sponge. Yeah. That's how he introduced him. That's right, brother. Cutting and strutting.
We shoot to footage from earlier tonight outside the arena of fans being interviewed by TNA staff. They mention WWE and Vince McMahon more than WWE does. -
Hey Hulk.
Hey, Alex Shelley. What's up?
Why are there a pair of red and white striped gardening sheers in my locker?
What?
Oh.
A friend of mine was just measuring it for when he...nothing.
Nothing.
Pay them no mind.
Steel Asylum: Jay Lethal vs. Suicide vs. Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin vs. Consequences Creed vs. Homicide vs. Suicide was ruled a "No Contest"
"This is bullshit!" - The Fans
Spike had to censor the chants out of their show. Wow. This was just...wow. Terrible. A no-contest in a cage match and fans chanting "bullshit" in the first match? Who booked this crap, brother?
The post-match stuff went down and the announcers tried to sell it like it was a success. That's when the ominous music hit and you-know-who returned. Green man himself...
...Jeff Hardy.
Previously on Jersey Shore: Sweetheart Sammi was feeling on Ronnie all night. But she was feeling on Mike all night too. JWoww loves her boyfriend, but she loves sex with other people a lot more. Snooki is glad that the world finally knows that she's a really cool girl and then gets punched in the face by some dude at a bar. She sells it better than The Great Khali.
We start off with the punch that sent Snooki to the ground in tears. When this happened, I thought to myself, "If that was my daughter, I'd be really pissed off." Then I realized that if I had a daughter like Snooki, I'd already be really pissed off.
"Oh my God! Please don't tell me I have missing teeth. Please don't tell me I have missing teeth." - Snooki
The world comes to an end. Everyone wants to bring Snooki home to help her deal with the trauma of being punched at a bar for absolutely no reason at all besides instigating a complete nutcase over a couple of $4 shots. Showing his true colors, Mike aka "The Situation" would rather use the opportunity to try to get some girls up in his crib. He makes silly puckered-lip guido faces at them, but it doesn't work. All it does is upset his friends. In a moment of anger, Vinny promises that the guy who did this will "never walk the Earth again because he'll be known as punching a girl in the face." I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. I don't think he does either.
Back at the house, the cast is blaming The Situation for starting the whole punch-in-the-Snook thing. How so? He bought those guys shots. Wow. The one nice thing this guy has ever done in his life and he gets screwed for it. That'll teach him to buy people stuff. Snooki returns home but she don't want to talk to no one. Says who? Says JWoww.
"She don't want to talk to no one. Her mouth is pretty f**ked up." - JWoww
Ronnie talks to her anyway and explains that this whole thing has made him realize that they all love each other. Snooki agrees that now she knows they're all truly a family that love one another. So that's a lesson for everyone out there. If you feel like your family isn't being loving, get someone to punch one of them in the face. It works. The family that catches a beatin' together, stays together.
Go To The Next Jersey Shore Update
Hulk Hogan is on his way to the arena. The cops are flanking him for some reason with their sirens on. No idea why. Maybe because he said something about cutting his wife's head off like OJ?
Back in the arena, kindly old Kevin Nash is mellow as Jell-o tonight. He's waiting for his mentor, Hulk Hogan. He gives Hogan credit for making any company he works with the number one company in the world. With that title comes big money. That'll make Big Daddy Cool excited...and richer. Oh, and by the way, the Hulkster is on his way...and he's not alone. Who's he bringing with him? You guessed it. Snooki. - 2. ODB defeated Tara to beome the TNA Knockouts Champion
You have to hand it to ODB. She rubs a t-shirt between her crotch during a match and no one says boo. Poor Jake Roberts does it and he catches hell. Come on. If we're going to let Oprah Dooney Billberbush do it, you have to let Jake do it too. It's only fair. Despite the solid offense by the World Wrestling Insanity reader's choice for Female Wrestler of The Year, ODB refused to stay down. The human flotation device kicked out of every attempt. During the match, there's a graphic urging people to follow Dixie Carter. What? Like slowly in a sedan? Oh. Wait. Twitter. On Twitter. You can follow us on Twitter here at the site too. We're Twitter.com/ClubWWI That's it. You see what I did there. Segue. Plug. Out. You didn't miss much. The cameraman did, though. He was shooting the fans when Odie Bee scored the 1,2,3 with a handful of underpants.
Cause Ric Flair's here. Yup. Things are fixing to get a little bit older up in here. Naitch is heading into the building!
Go To The Next Impact Update
Back At The Jersey Shore ... Ronnie's family has arrived to meet the girl he's been vibin' with, Sweetie Sammi. They knock on the door for an hour before Ron finally lets them in. They wait patiently to leave but Sam seems to be taking forever to get ready. In lieu of a narrator, they play that hokey "dum-dee-dum" background music to show how slow she's moving.
During this time, Snooki, who's still dying from terminal mouth-punch, arrives to meet Ronnie's 'rents. They learn of her horrific ordeal and then, just when I thought this show couldn't find someone who could outdo this vapid pile of UV light and Muscle Milk, Ronnie's mother speaks up.
"Aww hell no. And you guys didn't bash him? Let's go back to that bar." - Ronnie's Mom
Sorry I didn't go to jail, mom. I'll make you proud next time. Yikes. Vinny tells Ron-Mom that the kid who did it was lucky he had cops there because he was "about to barrel through cops." Again, not sure what that means. If you're going to barrel through them, what difference does it make if they're there? In fact, isn't it necessary for them to be there in order to barrel through? Second time in ten minutes Vinny has talked tough but made no sense while doing it. Man this guy sucks.
All that aside, Momma Ronnie is still going off about the lateness of Sam. That's when baby boy Ron pipes up and gives us what would be the quote of the show, if this was any other show. But dis is Jersey Shore, bitch!
"My mom's talking -beep- and it's like relax. Like, you know what I mean, -beep. Drink a Mimosa. Smoke another cigarette. -beep - Take it easy." - Ronnie
He tells her to shut up a few more times and calls her blunt. When Sammi is finally ready, they all head to the boardwalk and play some carnival games. No one gets punched in the face, which is kind of a bummer. That's the best part of the show.
Later on that day, Snooki gets an automated phone call from the police informing her that the man who blasted her in the mouth is out on bail. She's worried about what he might do to her. Me too. Except replace the word "worried" with "excited."
Still to come: Someone calls Snooki "fat" at the bar. Go To The Next Jersey Shore Update
We're back and apparently Ric Flair went into AJ Styles's locker room. Why? If you guessed "sex," then you're...well, you have a 50/50 shot.
Earlier tonight, Mick Foley was denied entrance into the Impact Zone even though he gave a long promo beforehand about how excited he was to go inside. He's the king of foreshadowing. Bang. Bang.
The Boss Bobby Lashley is up next. What's he the boss of? Oh you don't know? He has a lovely little yogurt shop. They do fat free peanut butter with crunchies. You'd like it. They list weight watcher points and have light veggie tuna. Ooooo! It's so fun!
Anyway, with wife Kristal by his side, Boss Bobby gets bathed in cheers. Kristal, speaking for former ClubWWI.com guest Bob, addresses Hulk Hogan directly.
"Mr. Hogan, Bobby Lashley is a star not just in wrestling, but in mixed martial arts as well." - Kristal Lashley
Think he's going heel here? Sounds like he might be.
" Professional wrestling is filled with a bunch of inbred toothless degenerates." - Kristal
Oh. There it is.
With that, Mrs. Lashley demands Bobby's release from Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. She orders the crowd to take a good look at him and, with that, TNA has finally used Bobby Lashley well for the first time since they got him.
Backstage, Velvet Sky invites the camera man into the locker room with all the Beautiful People. They let us all know how tonight's show has made them want to pop a rating. People like poker shows, right? Right. So the Beauty Peeps are going to play poker in order to get your, ahem, numbers up. With that...we watch the poker game play out.
...and it does.
...and does.
...and then, after what felt like forever, we get to the point. There's no chips. There's only clothes. It's a game of strip poker! YAY! Will we see boobies from the show that had to censor the word "bullshit" earlier? Stay tuned, dummy!
Snooki is still concerned that the man who punched her has been bailed.
She asks JWoww what she thinks he'll be charged with.
"A lot," She answers, " Assault...."
Then she says a second thing that's apparently a curse word because they beeped it.
Is there some sort of criminal act called "f**k?"
Everyone is still very upset, but JWoww defuses the situation by asking if Snooks wants to go tanning later.
She quietly nods her head and all is right again in the world.
On the way to the tanning salon, Sammi and the girls discuss whether or not she's had sex with Ronnie.
Great that they decide to do it on the one episode his family is guaranteed to watch because they're on it.
Yo, dis chick's got class up da yin-yang, kid.
Back at the house, Pauly D calls club Karma and asks for a DJing gig.
As Paul explains, he's doing them a favor because he "throws down a sick mix."
I hope that doesn’t mean he's going to puke on them.
In the kitchen, Vinny and Mike The Situation are looking at live lobsters in a bag.
Mike gives him the creepiest smile I've ever seen in my life.
The boys prepare a big feast for the house and everyone gets ready to celebrate Smookie's mouth pain.
Sadly, she doesn't seem happy with the seafood
choice and gives us the most obvious fact of the day.
"That's why I don't eat lobster.
Because they're alive when you kill it.
That's freakin' disgusting." - Snooki
As the guys get dinner ready, the girls go to take naps.
It annoys the boys, but they push on.
When dinner begins, Vinny says a prayer and thanks God that "Snickers" is okay.
She's more than okay, dummy.
She's great.
How great?
Quote of the show great.
"I tried to eat, but I couldn't get it in my freakin' mouth because I'm disabled." - Snooki
The after-dinner party is even crazier.
When Mike refuses to remove his plate, Sammi goes on the attack.
Angered over her unwillingness to help him cook, he decides that she's "excluded from surf and turf night.
Excluded from ravioli night.
Excluded from chicken cutlet night."
To ease the tension, Ronnie clears the plate.
Sweetheart keeps up the fight and they start arguing even more.
Wow.
You'd think that after watching Snook get face-planted by a psycho, she might just say thank you and run the hell away, right?
Coming up:
Snooki's fat and Vinny picks up the boss's girl. Go To The Next Jersey Shore Update
Meanwhile on Impact... Outside the arena, Scott Hall and Sean "X-Pac" Waltman arrive, but they aren't allowed into the arena.
They attack the security guards.
No wonder.
They're probably drunk.
Hulk Hogan and the Highway Patrol are on their way.
In the meantime...MORE COMMERCIALS!
YAY!
-
Back At The Jersey Shore ... Two days later, everyone's still talking about the punch heard 'round the Shore.
It all goes back to Mike and how his generosity lead to this evil act.
Ronnie and JWoww bash The Situation and how he caused all this.
Then, JWoww tells Ron what really pissed her off.
It was back when he was in the room comforting Snooki, Mike - get this - followed him in to comfort her too.
That bastard.
Buying people drinks.
Comforting people.
Isn't it amazing that there are about 1000 reasons to hate "The Situation" and these two pick the only two reasons not to?
The next day, they all go to a boat party.
All I hear is this song in my head...
Still to come: Fat Snook. Boss girl. Go To The Next Jersey Shore Update
The limos are arriving and so are Scott Hall and Sean Waltman.
Razor and the 123 Kid stumble into the actual arena and Hall is red as ever.
Then, you guessed it. We go to anohther
friggin' commercial.
They must be gearing up for a 30 minute stretch at the 9pm hour.
This is either going to be amazing or just horribly long.
-
The Situation does some math about the amount of girls who answer the phone after he gets some numbers.
He's like a chick telemarketer.
Smile and dial until you get them to come over.
Pucker-lips.
That's the situation.
After an afternoon of ring-a-ding, Mike gets some ladies over.
One of them is a "Brazilian chick" that he's really into. But the ladies seem to be more worried about getting Vinny drunk.
Why?
Because when he's sober, he dances around like a goober.
That's what he does here.
Fist pump and everything.
Vin was just having fun. There's a difference, he explains, between girls who get naked in the hot tub and girls "you have to treat like human beings."
Take notes.
Over at club Bamboo, JWoww is dancing around while some girls are talking trash.
Then one of them asks this question...twice.
"Who's your fat friend?
Who's your fat friend?" - Random Girl at Club
Aw sheet!
That "triggers" JWoww, who throws her drink in the girl's face and they begin brawling.
Snook turns around and immediately wonders "how can I get in?"
The hair pulling goes around in circles.
Back at the house, Mike tries to let his "Brazilian chick" know that he's feeling her, but she's apprehensive.
The reason?
She knows about his rep.
Everyone's talking about The Situation and Pauly D hooking up around town.
Now...Hang on, a second.
They don't actually show her saying that.
They only show her saying that she knows things about him.
Then they suddenly cut away and show Mike telling Paul about how she knows they hook up with a lot of girls. My theory?
That didn't happen.
She actually said this...
"I know you're a dillweed fruitcake that makes puckered kissy lips and bangs puppies." - Brazillian Chick
Thanks to editing and MTV though, we get the story you saw on television - about how they're such cool players.
Cover that conspiracy theory, Jesse Ventura.
Meanwhile, the ladies and Ronnie are leaving Bamboo.
When recounting the story of the brawl du jour, JWoww says the girl called them all fat, rather than revealing it was just Snooki.
I can't imagine why.
Snook can handle criticism. I mean, she's such a mature well-adjusted girl.
Still to come:
DJ Pauly on the 1s and 2s.
Then Vinny hooks up with the
girlfriend of the guy who owns his house and gives him employment.
Go To The Next Jersey Shore Update
We break back one more time for Hall and Waltman to take some cameraphone pictures of themselves before going to another commercial. This is nuts. They've been doing commercials for ten minutes.
Go To The Next Impact Update
Preparing for DJing tonight, Pauly gets his equipment together. Every piece has an Italian Flag on it. You know, just in case he forgets his nationality. It's the same reason why he puts his address in his underwear.
In the living room, Mike is desperately calling the Brazilian he was supposed to go to lunch with. You know, the one who I claimed called him a fruitcake off-camera? Well, she stood him up. Makes my whole theory seem more likely now, huh?
On the other side of the house, talk about a pansy. JWoww's boyfriend, despite knowing that she's hooking up with Pauly, sends her roses. At that exact moment, Pauly D becomes a mind-reader and speaks what's in my brain...
"This kid's a sucker. He keeps sending her all this -beep-." - Pauly D
We then get a montage of housemate commentary about what a tool JWoww's boyfriend is. I gotta say. When the guys on Jersey Shore call you a tool and they're right to say it - that says a lot about you. This guy's King Tool. When you can say, "I agree with you Pauly D and The Situation. That guy's a real sucker." Then that guy is the world's biggest sucker.
We cap our night with the long-awaited DJing of Pauly D. Ronnie and Sammi leave early. The theme switches to how these two are missing out on all the fun by spending time together. Vinny hooks up with a random woman who turns out to be the girlfriend of his boss at the T-Shirt Store and owner of his house, Danny. Way to go, momo. You just pooped all over the kitchen table.
Then...someone runs in and punches all the girls in the face.
Nah. That didn't happen. But what an ending that would be, right? I'm not one for man on woman violence, but if any show could benefit from it - it's this one.
The show ends and we're all left to go back to our normal lives without Jersey to keep us warm. -
All in all...We did learn two things today, though. First, don't buy people shots or they will punch your friends in the face. Two, if you do accidentally buy people shots and they punch your friends in the face, it will bring you and your friends closer together. So drink up and punch some ladies. It's family night.
Video package highlighting the career and eventual screwing of Bret Hart by Vince McMahon. Cheap porn lighting not included. -
Bret Hart's new music plays. Jerry Lawler lies and says that it's been 12 years since anyone's seen him, including the King himself. I guess he missed Bret's WWE Hall of Fame ceremony a few years ago. Glad to know I'm not the only one who fell asleep during it. Bret takes the microphone and, unlike Hogan, speaks immediately.
Hart explains that he's wanted to retun to WWE for years, but Vince McMahon kept sending him away. To a wild chant of "Welcome Back," Kotter takes a moment to say "thank you" to his fans around the world. He says he owes everything he is to the WWE Universe. Hart speaks about his great accomplishments like winning the 1993 King of the Ring, right here in the unfortunately named Nutter Center. Ah. 1993. King of the Ring. Those Nutty memories.
The Hitman then addresses the Million Dollar Question. What's he have to say to Shawn Micahels? Let's find out. HBK. Come out here.
Over on Impact, Eric Bischoff has just arrived.
The Heartbreak Kid steps onto the ramp and Michael Cole claims this is the first Michaels-Hart confrontation since 1997. I gotta admit - this is all pretty awesome.
The two Montreal Maulers stand face-to-face.
Ball's in your court, HBK. What's your answer?
"First of all, Hitman, before you come out here and get your closure, there's something I've been waiting 12 years to say to you. The fact is, you deserved what happened 12 years ago. You disrespected me and you disrespected this business and yes, I did have a hand in what Vince McMahon did that night." - Shawn Michaels
"And there's a big part of me that doesn't regret a bit of it. But there's another part of me. There's another part of me that knows in the last 12 years, a lot of things have changed. A lot of things in my life changed." - Shawn Michaels
Then we get all Dr. Phil up in here as The Boy Toy opens his injured heart. He respected Hart, but he never felt he respected him back. He tells The Hitman that he doesn't remember Montreal when he thinks of him. He remembers their 60 minute Iron Man Match at WrestleMania 12. He thinks of the great bout they put on in spite of the critics. The only thing Bret doesn't get is that Shawn wants to get past Montreal too. He wants Bret to get past things. But can he accept the facts of the matter in order to do so?
Impact goes to commercial.
Hart says he does. He extends his hand to the DeGenerate and the crowd calls for him not to. But he does...and Michaels accepts. They shake and suddenly, all the boos have turned to cheers.
The two begin to leave the ring separately, but that quickly changes. HBK turns back around...and hugs him. Shawn's anthem plays out as the HBK portion of our opener comes to a close...
...and the Vince McMahon one begins. Hart calls him out.
"Come on, Vinnie. Don't keep the people waiting." - Bret Hart
Only Vince doesn't show up and our segment comes to an end. Great opener. Just terrific in every way. They'll be playing this for years in highlight footage. No matter where they take this thing in the next few months, we'll always have this segment to serve as the coming-home chapter of wrestling's biggest controversy.
Still to come: Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton. -
Meanwhile on Impact... The Hulkster is here. It's the moment that Mike Tenay says you've been anticipating for months. That's true, right? Mike Tenay doesn't look like he'd lie. Are you calling Mike Tenay a liar? -
Clad in black, the Hulkster is glittery as the crowd cheers his name. Scott Hall wobbles and claps. Everyone's excited about Hollywood Hogan's Impact debut. With his kids, Nasty Nick and Bubbly Brooke looking on, Hogan speaks...or rather he does that old trick where takes ten minutes to talk into the microphone, but makes it seem like he's doing it because he can't speak over all the crazy cheers.
"What's up, TNA Maniacs? You know guys, TNA and the Maniacs, we are making history tonight right here in TNA's ring. You know something, guys, I've been in the back all day long there's so much talent in the back. So many young guys who are running hard. And yes, guys, old faces in the back gearing up. TNA is going ot be the number one company in the world." - Hulk Hogan
Hogan calls TNA the dream he's been waiting for.
At that moment, Raw begins.
As Hulk puts over TNA's talent, Sean Waltman jumps the railing. Security holds him back but Hulk, like God himself, summons the wretched X-Pac to his side. Alongside Scott Hall, Pac steps in.
The former NWOers have joined the party because they knew that Hulk likes to have him some fun. When Hall and Sean heard about Eric Bischoff, Kevin Nash, and Hulk being in the house, they knew he was going to get a pay-day. Cha-ching.
Hulk lets them know the law. This is a different time.
So Waltman takes one more turn at begging for money. This is all the same, Hulk.
Again, he shoots him down. This repetitive segment is beginning to drive me nuts. He gives the N.W.Old his thoughts on why they should grow up and do right for the business. Hogan's newfound love of the industry has Scotty perplexed. He gasses up his old boss. He credits him for making him a millionaire. But this business is ready for a change and these changes are going to happen with...or without you.
Cue Scott Norton and Stevie Ray.
Big Daddy Cool and yet another ClubWWI.com interview subject, Kevin Nash, is in the house and, like his friends, he's wearing black. Before he can start his schpiel, Kevin's cut off. Hulk tells him that the time is different. This is a new day and a new company. Like I mentioned, this segment is the most repetitive thing you can imagine. They've hammered the same point for five minutes.
On that cue, the other member of the N.W.O. with gray hair and a ClubWWI.com interview under his belt, Eric Bischoff, shows up. Easy E takes the moment to say some not-too-nice things about the man he was hugging on TV a short while ago.
"Look around you,. In this ring right now is the guys who reinvented this business. We took on the 800 pound gorilla, we put him in a little monkey cage, and we spanked him." - Eric Bischoff
Poor Sean Waltman must feel like he's having some sort of acid flashback because the wide-eyed Mexican superstar asks Bischoff to explain what happened to them. He does. Everyone has to grow up. That's what happened. Everyone needs to earn their spots here. No freebies. That includes you guys. The Old Worlders take their leave and Hollywood stands side-by-side with ATM Eric.
That doesn't happen. Instead, They call out the entire roster. Earn your spot, boys! You're under the microscope now. Eric calls for a "format" sheet from a producer. They purposely fumble for one in order to look spontaneous. Bisch glances at the sheet, but tears it up. In a tongue-in-cheek speech to Vince Russo, he tells the producer to tell her "director" that they're turning this company upside down.
"To every TNA Maniac in this building, if you can't talk and you can't wrestle, pack your bags and head up north." - Hulk Hogan
Well, that clears some things up.
"And whatcha gonna do when TNA and all these maniacs become number one in the world just for you?" - Hulk Hogan
Before we can, the camera shoots up to reveal Sting in the rafters. Of course he is. Why woudn't he be? It's 1997. Haven't you heard? -
Over on Raw... , Josh Matthews is waiting outside Vince McMahon's door.
When the boss arrives, Josh asks why he punked out when Bret Hart called him to the ring.
VKM feigns ignorance.
He was in a meeting.
But tell ya what, interview guy.
Later on tonight, it will be Vinnie Mac who does the calling.
When the boss summons, the Hitman comes'a'runnin'
Don't believe it?
Stick around, Dippy.
You'll see.
You'll all see! Due to injury, Melina has been stripped of the Diva's Title. To fill the vacancy, we have a tournament scheduled to start....now.
Over on Impact, they're doing a Knockouts Tag Match.
1.Diva's Title Tournament Round One: Maryse pinned Nicki Bella after the French Kiss
Maryse is my favorite Diva. There. I said it. I like the talk-to-the-hand gimmick. I like the accent. I like Maryse. Plus, she's brutal. Brie Bella learned that here. She got knocked around and, when all looked darkest, Brie's twin stepped in. In a great moment that you don't see often, baby face Nicki, traded places with her twin sister. The ref didn't see it, but Maryse didn't care. She just grabbed hold of the new sister, planted her with a "French Kiss," and pinned her. Nice. That'll teach you to do the ol' Killer Bees thing.
After the bell, The United States Champion, Mike The Miz, arrives to sweet talk the French Canadian Sensation. He mentions hearing that Maryse promised to make 2010 her year. Mike likes her gumption, but she's got it wrong. 2010 is his year. Because he's the Miz and he...is...constipated!
Oh, I mean, awesome. Sorry. He said "awesome."
Mike takes a seat at ringside for commentary as the participants make their way to the ring. Our first participant? The man in the little red sleep suit. The rest? Stick around. You'll find out. -
As we return from the break, we hear someone yelling out, "MAKE SOME NOISE! YOU'RE ON TV!"
Sheesh. Up in the rafters, Sting is still hanging around. It's like just WCW only a little bit balder.
3. Awesome Kong and Hamada defeated Sarita and Taylor Wilde to win the Knockout Tag Team Titles
Awesome Kong is great for TNA. She's different than any female wrestler in the big two. They need more like her. Sarita and Taylor are also really good at what they do. In fact, all four women were. That said, I don't know if I would have given them this much time on the show. It went on for a while. Thankfully, they knew what they were doing. The crowd even gave them a "This is awesome" chant. Then again, they do that for a tasty hot dog. These people have no chanting requirements. Everything gets a chant. Half of them don't know what a Russo is, but they just know they want her fired. After a good match, we wind up with our second new Knockout champs tonight. Kong covers Sarita after Hamada hits her missile dropkick. Three seconds later, we have new Knockout Tag Team Champions. Exciting? Yeah. I guess. So far, this show isn't blowing me away.
Backstage the poker game is still going on when...Val Venis arrives. Wearing a towel, the big Valbowski asks them to not say his name. It's bad enough that he's wearing the towel, he doesn't want a full-on lawsuit (JG Note: That would lead to a long Val facebook status update about how the government is taking away his civil liberties.) He shuffles the cards and laughs about the interesting night we have ahead.
Fun Fact: Sean "Val Venis" Morley is the 83rd former WWE star to debut so far tonight. -
2. MVP defeated Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, and Carlito to become the #1 Contender to the US Title.
Good to see Carlito on TV. Even better to see him get some good offense in. Sure, Mark Henry dominated a lot of it, but as a good guy, he took a fair amount of punishment. From ringside, Miz observes that Henry should be on "The Biggest Loser" because "he's fat and a loser." That could be true. Even his friends hate him. Take MVP for example, he kicked him right in the face. In the face! Could you imagine if your best buddy, who has matching long red spandex underwear with you, kicks you in the face?! Damn! Sexual Chocolate rolls from the ring. Porter covers Swagger and we have ourselves a new number one contender.
In the backstage hallway, Big Show is moaning like a mingebag about his title match tonight. He whines to Chris Jericho about this being their last shot at the gold. If DX wins, Chris has to leave the show! Jericho tells Biggie to cool his jets. He has a plan to get through to Bret Hart and fix any issues that Y2Big may face. Chillax, Sumo Butt. Chris has it all under control. He'll Save_You_222.
Meanwhile on Impact... Sad Mick Foley has been forced to resort to begging in order to enter the Impact Zone at the backstage door. A security guard that looks like Brother Ray Dudley tells him he's sorry, but he can't come in. Exit Foley...
4. Matt Morgan and Hernandez defeated Dr. Stevie and Raven when Morgan pinned Stevie
Yet another former ClubWWI.com. guest, Matt Morgan, is here. The Blueprint and Hernandez seem like a natural pair. How natural? They beat Stevie Richards and Raven in about ten seconds. Seriously. That's how natural.
Backstage, Pope D'Angelo Deniro is standing by with former ClubWWI.com guest Christy Hemme. She asks him about impressing Hulk Hogan. Obviously you have impressed him already in order to get your face on the show tonight. The Pope informs the Diva Search Winner that such accolades are no surprise. He's the man. The only surprise here is that Christy isn't trying to grope the Pope as he graces her side. As Deniro turns his attention to tonight's opponent, Desmond Wolfe, things get weird. How weird? Orlando Jordan weird, baby!
Where have you seen him before? Oh yeah!
Our own personal Club host, Orlando Jordan is here and his hair is looking splendid. Orlando asks Popey where Hulk Hogan is. After all, OJ is a personal friend of the Hulkster. Seeing as how he bears a striking resemblance to you, D'Angelo, Jordan can't imagine that Hogan won't replace...er, uh, like you. This obvious threat to his spot makes Pope Elijah sneer. Sneer, Pope Elijah. Sneer like the wind.
5. Pope D'Angelo Deniro pinned Desmond Wolfe
I like Pope's Michael Jackson surgeon mask. You have to hand it to Elijah Burke. He's just terrific in his new persona. Seeing him in the ring with Desmond is a glimpse at some things that TNA has been doing right. Both of these stars are TNA originals -name, character, and all the rest. It's something they can throw in the face of critics who say they just reuse old stuff. Wolfe wrestles his classic technical style that just blows you away in terms of fluidity. It's just a sight to behold and could, quite possibly be the future of wrestling. People like highspots. But they also like weird contortionist stuff. Watching Desmond bend people in knots can be just as awesome as seeing someone jump off a roof or whatever. And no one has to break their neck in the process. The crowd chants "This is wrestling," just in case anyone thought it was ice-skating. With that, the Pope gets himself a small package (ha ha) and scores the 3 count.
Jeff Jarrett has arrived. Ain't he great?
Huh? What did you say? That's rude. You're just rude. I'm sure he's a lovely man.
-
In the pink and black GM room, there's some production assistant kissing up to Bret "The GM" Hart. Bret seems enthused until Chris Jericho shows up. The King of Bling Bling talks of his past with the Hitman. Now there may have been a Heartbreak Lovefest tonight, but Chris knows that's all horsepucky. Bret hates Shawn. This hatchet isn't buried....unless it's in the Boy Toy's skull. So let Jericho help you make that happen, Screwjob Louie. Help him to help you. How? Be the referee tonight for Jeri-Show vs. DX. Ring that bell early and get revenge for that fateful night when you lost your belt to a crooked call. Hart doesn't even think it over. He turns the Highlight of the Night down. Let's get passed it all already. In fact, let's make it crystal clear, Jericho.
"I don’t' want to be like you. I don't want to be a hypocrite." - Bret Hart
Hart lays the law on the line. Win your match. Do it on your own. Or else, go home. Oh, and as far as your "history," Bret remembers you as the little punk-arse that cried so loud during dungeon-training that you damn near killed the cats upstairs. Now hit the bricks.
Speaking of bricks, Triple H and Hornswoggle are backstage to do some more of their comedic gold. They show off Mattel's new line of WWE action figures. Hunter promises his little friend that if DX wins, he can keep all these fun toys. That's when Shawn Michaels runs in and delivers, thus far, line of the night.
Trips brushes off this fact and tells Michaels that he's focusing on tonight's tag team match while Shawn is out in the ring hooking-up with Bret Hart. How is he training for the match? By dressing Santino Marella up like Jericho and having him do an impression...
...then ordering Hornswoggle to "attack." He does and we get the classic WWE cheese ball comedy we've gotten used to.
Jeff Jarrett's doing his dramatic TNA-pride speech over on Impact as Hunter gives a midget a cookie on Raw. Which do you think will get a bigger rating? Yeah. Me too. -
In a backstage area, Bubba The Love Sponge pushes Jeremy Borash out of the way to cover the latest backstage attack - this one on Rhino. Who can it be? The somewhat evil authority figure, Hulk Hogan? I said this would be his gimmick months ago and everyone told me I was wrong. I wasn't, but I'm not the kind of guy to say I told you, but....
Nah.
We recap Hulk's debut earlier with some clips of Hogan's speech to his former running buddies. It's just as exciting now as it was then.
The Cho-Cho-Chosen One is on his way to the Impact Zone. What does he have to say? What are his thoughts on Hulk Hogan? Can he save TNA? Does he have any more gum? Can I have some? The answer to all these questions and more...coming up. -
Backstage, Jeremy Borash is with the man that Ric Flair held down for his own personal enjoyment earlier, World Champion AJ Styles. AJ promises that at Genesis, he'll defeat Kurt Angle and...clap, clap, clap. Eric Bischoff's slapping hands interrupt Styles. Then Eric's voice does. Hey, Styles. Your match with Kurt Angle at Genesis...is off. Sorry, Charlie. PPV is off. But fret not, mini-Champ. Your match with Kurt Angle is still happening. Only now it's happening...tonight. Put your pants on and get in the ring, Sugar. Uncle Eric wants to see what you can do.
Jeff Jarrett's music hits and the singing cowboy trots up the ramp. Mic in hand, he expresses his joy over being "home in the Impact Zone."
The fans chant, "Thank you, Jeff."
They should chant, "Why call it TNA? It sounds like porn!"
Jarrett continues and it wouldn't be a story of TNA's life without the obligatory and somewhat obsessive shots at all their early critics.
"Every critic in the world said we wouldn't last six weeks. S aid we wouldn't last six months,. But guess what? I'm standing in the middle of a six sided ring and on a Monday night. The greatest night in company history. And I am damn proud to be here!" - Jeff Jarrett
To a wild reaction, Jarrett mentions Hogan and all the times he tried to bring him in. The time wasn't right. But now it is. Jeff repents for the wrongs he's done in wrestling, but he's most proud of the good. What good? Giving young guys a chance to show the world who they are. Guys like Beer Money, The Motorocity Machineguns, Daniels, Samoa Joe, and AJ Styles. The fans go nuts and the entire scene is just great. I wish the whole show could have been this good. There's a real emotion to this segment and it's the type of emotion you can't fake.
Then, as Dixie Carter glares from the crowd, Jeff says those magic words that reveal he's not in on how things work. The former champion puts over Hogan's involvement, but claims he’ll be doing it side by side with him and Dixie. Something tells me that's not the plan. Know how I know? Hulk told me when he showed up to confront him on the big screen.
"You know what, Jeff? I'm glad you're finished. Because that's enough of the ga-ga. Guess what, brother? So what? Nobody cares. If I hear I, I, I, one more time, brother, I would have had security escort you out." - Hulk Hogan
Crowd boos. Hulk's a baddie-leaning tweener. You know like I mentioned a few months ago...ah hell. Here it is...
...Told you so.
Ah.. Got that out of my system. Hulk then gets more heat by pointing out how crappy TNA was under Jarrett. The fans don't like this and go back to the chant that opened the show...
"Bullshit!" - Fans
Once again, Spike TV is forced to beep out every other second of audio. This time, they have to do it over a Hulk Hogan promo. Friggin' priceless. Hogan tells Jeff to straighten up, check his "paper in his safety deposit box," and know his place. Hulk Knows Best. He's in charge and all the young stars will - for the first time - get a chance. Now grab your boots and get in line. You have to prove yourself. Ba'lee'dat!
After the lengthy speech, all I wanted was for Jeff to take the microphone and go, "Hey...uh...how's about'chu go an' f**k yourself, Poindexter?" Would have been gold.
In the interview area, Christy Hemme asks Daniels his opinion of Hulk Hogan. Before Christopher can get into his thoughts and feelings and all that lady nonsense, Jeremy Borash shows up. The frazzled Furley-Eyed announcer explains that he needs to talk to Christy...now. Cameras be damned! It seems that Mick Foley is on the cell phone. He's outside...and he wants in! Hemme tells JB to leave him there. Don't take heat for Mankind. Just tell him no. When Jeremy opens the door to stop Foley from entering, the opposite happens. Oh the irony! Mr. Bang Bang pushes his way into the Impact Zone and it looks like the Real Mr. Monday Night Mick "8.1" Foley has arrived. -
Chris, why are you petting me?
I like you, Show. You're like my own personal Mr. Snuffleupagus.
Stop petting me.
Awww....How ya doin' there, Snuff? You want to sing the Alphabet with me?
STOP! -
3.Unified Tag Team Champions DeGeneration X defeated Big Show and Chris Jericho
For the past two years, Chris Jericho has been cleaning house in our Year End awards. Not only does he win like crazy, but the people writing in have passionate and valid points each time. He's just great at what he does. On the other side of the ring, Shawn Michaels continues to be the best this business has to offer, which is nuts considering we all thought he was gone forever at the start of the decade. Now he's an invaluable part of the roster. Triple H deserves credit for being a good wrestler, but I haven't really liked this whole baby face run he's had for a while. Maybe it's nostalgia. Who knows? But I wish they'd go back to the classic Cerebral Assassin Hunter only without all the, you know, disproportionate TV time for no reason. This match was special for Big Show. I could tell because he was wearing his black outfit. Old school. Like a big black goateed egg. In the end, it wasn't Show who cracked, though. It was Jericho. He ate some Sweet Chin Music and could do nothing more than lay there and like it as Hunter made the cover.
After the bell, Triple H made it clear....
"And Jericho, if you're not down with that, we've got two words for you." - Shawn Michaels
Big Show glared down on his fallen partner with disgust before slowly walking from the ring. Still woozy, Chris rolls out and leaves the area as well. Guess that's the end of Jeri-Show. It's a shame, really. If anything was truly clicking in WWE that no one expected to - it was them.
Elsewhere, Mr. McMahon steps out from his office and comes nose-to-nose with Randy Orton. He tells Randall that he has some nerve to show his face. Orton steps back from any issues. He tells Mr. McMahon that tonight is about moving on from past mistakes. So he's here to bury the hatchet like Bret and Shawn did - only he's here to do it with, Vince. Now just give him the word and tonight, Mr. RKO will add one more legend to his head-kick checklist. That legend - Bret Hart. Daddy Mac turns down the offer by telling Dandy Randy to never confront him ever again. Irate, Ort stomps down the hallway...
....where Legacy are waiting. Cody Rhodes thanks Randy for his inspiration last week. Orton sat at ringside, threatening to kick them out of Legacy if they lost. So, this week, Ted DiBiase and Cody will be at ringside for your match with Kofi Kingston, Randy. And if you lose, well, you can go back to Kansas or wherever the hell you're from. See you out there, Crazy Face.
In a backstage area, Jeff Hardy is painting a picture. It's either of Shannon Moore, who's sitting right next to him, or a blonde witch. I'm leaning towards witch. It looked like one. They leave the witch painting behind, though, as they run off to meet with "the big man." It's either Hulk Hogan or else they have some sort of weird airport bathroom stall meeting to get to. Yikes.
Rhino got shot or something, so Abyss has no opponent tonight. Mike Tenay pretends he doesn't know who the replacement is, but just before Samoa Joe's music hits, he says, "Look at this." Mike Tenay is a big fat liar! LIAR! YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH! Don’t you toy with me, Mike. You knew. You knew the whole time! I feel so betrayed.
I'm just playing, baby. You know you still my girl, Mike Tenay.
6. Samoa Joe defeated Abyss via tapout
Samoa Joe got the memo on taking things up a notch. He tore into Abyss like my cats on the chord to my cell phone charger (JG Note: F'n cats. Eating all my phone chargers.) While everyone's favorite Samoa Cookie pounded away on the Monster, that didn't mean he could keep it going the whole time. Eventually, Byss took control and got some of his own offense in. Halfway through the bout, we go to a picture-in-picture of Sting - who hates his family and would rather stay at work and do nothing than go home. In the ring, the two giants were taking turns with the momentum until SJ made the big move. He climbed the ropes, jumped off, got caught, and nailed with a choke slam. Only scoring a two, Abyss was frustrated with his inability to keep his Samoa Foe down. In the end, cheating saved the day. With the referee down and out, Joe ran from the ring and used a chair on Abyss. After the illegal attack, he slapped on his choke and the monster...tapped. Huh? They do that? Monsters tap? For some reason, I don't think Jason from Friday the 13th would tap.
Eric Bischoff is feeling very 1997 tonight as he tells a stagehand about segments that need to be cut short. That's when Kristal Lashley arrives and interrupts Uncle Eric's flow. What's the deal, ATM? Is Bobby getting his release or not? Mrs. Lashley is done playing games, Bischoff. Get her a meeting with Hulk Hogan and let's settle this whole Bobby Lindsay problem once and for all. When he mocks her request, she says that Bobby won't be happy. Easy E doesn't care one bit. Not one single bit. Shove it, you Teddy Long-lover. Tell your Trump-loving Bobbo to do the same. The Bisch is back in town.
"Random attack that you're supposed to think Sting is doing" Time. The latest victims? Beer Money. Know who I think is behind it? A midget dressed like Vince McMahon. Isn't it sad how that' s the first place my mind goes with these angles nowadays? -
-
Next week...Mike Tyson hosts Raw. I always was a big Iron Mike fan. He beat people up, bit their ears off, and threatened to eat their children. What's not to be a fan of?
Hey, Sheamus, what's wrong?
My side hurts. Can you check and see if it's my appendix or something?
You need an X-Ray?
WWE Champion Sheamus is here with his giant chain and title belt. The red-headed stepchild reminds us that John Cena couldn't beat him last week. He can make excuses, but he still didn't win the title. The last image of 2009 was the Celtic Warrior holding the WWE title high. His next title bout is at the Royal Rumble and his opponent won't be John Cena. That's old stuff. Save that for TNA. The Shea Man wants new. That's when something new arrives...
Evan Bourne's music hits and I have to be honest. Evan and Sheamus standing face to face feels more like an ECW feud than a WWE Title match. That's not their fault. It just is. Bourne grabs a microphone and asks the champion for an opportunity. Someone did it for you, Shea. Now give the same chance to Evan.
The Champion mocks the challenge of "Little Evan Bourne" and calls a referee to the ring. This match will be non-title, Little Man. But if you can win, you'll get a shot for the gold at The Royal Rumble.
4. WWE Champion Sheamus pinned Evan Bourne
You know, it's not so much that Sheamus is pale. It's that he makes everybody else seem bright orange. Bourne looked like a crayon here. The tiny challenger got a near fall right off the bat and it left the Champion with no choice but to take control and slow the pace. When he was done doing that, he hit the Celtic Cross Powerbomb and pinned him. So much for The Rumble, Shrimpy.
Still to come: Bret confronts Vince and Randy faces Kofi.
Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler talk about the passing of Steve "Dr. Death" Williams - one of the all time greats in this business. His passing was a truly sad one and I'm glad WWE gave it the time it deserves.
The Nasty Boys are still trying to get in. This time around, Bubba The Love Sponge pulls some strings. It's the Hulkamaniac Boys Club as he gets the Nastys into the building and everyone cries a little inside.
Intense and clean-shaven, Kurt Angle tells the world the story of his battle with AJ Styles. He explains to Jeremy Borash that this battle is a long time coming. It took a while to get here, but one thing is certain. AJ cannot beat Kurt. That's impossible. It's unreal. But Angle coming out on top - now that's real. That's damn real.
In the parking lot, Shannon Moore and Jeff Hardy are walking with envelopes in their hands. They allude to them being contracts but don't outwardly say it. Before we can get any more details, three screaming 12 year old girls run over. I think they were 12. Maybe 16. Maybe 4. I have no idea. I suck at that stuff. Anyway, Hardy gave them the witch painting as a memento and they damn near pooped their pants in delight. Jeffery and Shannon then get into Hardy's "I May Not Be Guilty of Drug Trafficking, But I Sure Like To Drive A Car That Says I Am" Car. They get in, close the door, and it blows up.
Nah. It doesn't. Would have been sick if it did, though, right? I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that Jeff Hardy is here. -
-
Meanwhile on Impact... The Nasty Boys are in the building and I just realized how much they sound like the gibberish-talking Two Headed Monster on Sesame Street. "BAH! BYE! BAH! BYE!" They march into the Team 3D locker room and are confronted by two security guards. This time, they have nothing bad. Only good. They offer apologies to the Nastys...and even a box of donuts. Sorry, Mohawk 1 and Mohawk 2. The guards didn't know you were down with the Hulk. The Boys respond as only they can. By smashing them in the face with the donuts and telling them to, "Get the f**k out of here!" Left alone, they vandalize the place and Team 3D, off in Japan, can't be happy about this. Personally, I can't believe the Nasty Boys are on TV and setting up a feud with the Dudley Boys in 2010. What the hell? Am I on Quantum Leap? -
5. Randy Orton pinned Kofi Kingston after an RKO
I don't get all the talk about WWE not making new stars. Kofi Kingston is a prime example of a success story. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes at ringside are two more. These guys might not be classic up-the-road, potato-eating rookies, but they're talented. Guys like this are truly the future and while Impact is serving up The N.W.O. and the Nasty Boys, it's WWE that seems to have a handle on young talent. How is that possible? The last time there was Monday Night competition, Vince used new stars to take down the same ol' names. Now he's got the same deal going...against the same people. Kingston may be high on the ladder, but he's still pinnable. Good thing for Orton. He nailed his RKO and got himself the pin. From ringside, Legacy didn't seem thrilled with the win. While Cole and Lawler banter about the future of the stable, we watch a replay, and shoot to the back.
...Where Vince McMahon is walking. Vinnie Mac confronts the Hitman and its next!
-
7. TNA Champion AJ Styles pinned Kurt Angle
These two did a great job. Unfortunately, there were two prolonged commercial breaks early on. It was good mix of talent and two guys who can really go. Say what you want about Kurt Angle. He may have hurt his momentum a bit in the past few years, but he's going to go down in history as one of the greatest of all time. He's just amazing. In AJ's case, he has all the tools. He just needs that big moment. A feud with Jeff Hardy could be what's needed to make that happen. It worked for CM Punk. It could work for him. Either way, TNA needs both these guys more than they know. Matches like this prove that. From the mat to the air, it was exciting and, even better, the announcing seemed like genuine excitement. Taz is good at that - projecting his enthusiasm. He did it here At this point, the fans started chanting, "Who needs Bret?" The commentators get quiet, confused over whether to talk over it or let it go. It dies quickly as they turn it up in the ring. In an ironic twist, Bret Hart is confronting Vince McMahon on Raw right now while TNA counters with match...refereed by Earl Hebner. Ah. The circle of life. As the match went on, the Nature Boy finally arrives. Ric Flair shows up on the ramp as Mike Tenay tells us that Spike TV is letting us go overtime. So those of you hoping to Tivo this show, you might be screwed here. In an ironic twist, Bret Hart is confronting Vince McMahon on Raw right now while TNA counters by screwing your Tivo. Ah. The circle of life. When the bout comes to a close, it's spectacular. AJ hits a springboard and gets the pin. The bell rings. Kurt Angle hugs him. It's a Disney ending.
Tenay thanks Eric Bischoff for bringing us this match - because he's a kiss-ass. That's when Hulk Hogan shows up to his pseudo-N.W.O. music.
"Those are the two greatest wrestlers in this business today! Kurt Angle, we've got nothing but respect for you, brother, and AJ Styles, you just raised the TNA bar to a whole other level. This situation is going to go on and on and on. You TNA fans, you've made history here tonight. This is the greatest rise to..." - Hulk Hogan
Suddenly, the Bossamaniac is interrupted by a stagehand who whispers something in his ear. What's that something? It's Mick Foley. He's here. He's smelly. He's mad.
Hulk leaves the stage and the camera catches Mick heading into the poker room. He catches the Beautirful People in their underwear with Val Venis, none too happy with Mick's presence in the poker room, sends him away. You want Hogan, C-Blocker? Fine. He's down the hall. Now jet.
Foley does just that. He goes down the hallway and comes face to face with...Eric Bischoff. Like the evil Dr. Claw in Inspector Gadget, Bichoff spins around in his chair and faces him. He gives Mankind some reality. You have no power, Mick. Your "executive shareholder" paper is bogus. You are bogus. You smell bogus. You look bogus. You ain't nothing. Now get in line and fight for your job.
"I made a promise - a vow to myself a long time ago that I would never work for Eric Bischoff again." - Mick Foley
I think he already broke that promise tonight, no? Unless he's working for free?
Eric laughs as Cactus Jack threatens to knock his teeth down his throat. That's when the New World Order attacks.
Hall. Nash. Waltman. They all come running in swinging. I kid you not. Hogan finally arrives and the camera closes in on his face as we fade to black. That's right. Impact just ended with the N.W.O. beating up Mick Foley. Yup. About what I was expecting.
Over on Raw...
The music plays and the boss arrives. Mr. McMahon walks to the ring and wishes us all a happy new year. That's it. He has no need to call Bret Hart to the ring. This whole Montreal nonsense is over. It's behind us. Vince has closure. Bret has closure. We all have closure. Moving on, Mac announces that Mike Tyson will be hosting Raw next week. The crowd cheers, but it's all a distraction. It's a distraction from the man who's standing at the top of the ramp...
...the man walking the aisle....
...the man entering the ring...
...Bret Hart.
"I think I know what you're thinking. I think I know what these people would like to see. They want to see you apply the Sharpshooter. Bret, I'm asking you to be the better man tonight and I'd really like to hear what you have to say." - Vince McMahon
As the tensions rise, Daddy Mac approaches things much like Shawn Michaels earlier - with honesty. He has some things he needs to say to you, Ginger Bret. Are you ready to hear them?
"You screwed you. I'll never forget you spitting in my face, literally. I'll never forget you in the lockeroom after the event was over, I'll never forget you sucker punching me. I'll never forget you disrespecting me the night you were inducted in the Hall of Fame. You slandered me and trashed me in every publication there is for so many years. I'm not trying to provoke you. I'm just trying to be honest with you." - Vince McMahon
"I can think of a lot of words to say to you, but the two words you're thinking of are different than the two I have." - Bret Hart
Bret states his desire to put this all behind him. Let's fix this broken relationship, Daddy Mac. You want it too, don't you?
"I thought I wanted to come out here and kick you in the nuts. I know it's stupid. Forget it." - Vince McMahon
With that, McMahon gives us all a WrestleMania 2 history lesson. Seeing Bret in there with Andre The Giant, Vince knew Hart had something special. He clawed his way to the top and Mac saw it all happen. You made good, man. Now you know, like Vince knows, that he served as a father figure to you for years. Speaking of which, tell you what, Hitman. How about if VKM initiates your dad, Stu, in The WWE Hall of Fame?
With that sketchy smile on his face, you can tell that Mr. McManiac is about ready to go off his rocker. He tells the legend that he wants to thank him for all he's done and for "being the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be."
They toss their microphones away and raise each other's hands in the air. Just as you think Mr. McMahon may be a normal human being after all, he decides, "You know what? F**k it. I'll kick him in the nuts anyway.
That's what he does. The Screwee gets screwed again. Hart rolls around in pain and then gets to his feet and stares down the fleeing McBallbuster as we fade to black.
ALL IN ALL... Raw Wins. Raw wins big.
Impact didn't do it. In fact, Impact was what we all expected. Exactly what we expected.
In a recent interview, Hogan said that WWE gave fans Randy Orton vs. John Cena 300 times because the fans had no choice to tune away.
Well, Hulk, to be frank, I'd rather see Randy Orton vs. John Cena 300 times than Mick Foley vs. Sean Waltman once.
I mean, I can't be the only one thinking this, right? How could the Hogan Impact end up being everything we thought? This is the exact show I pictured in my head. Nasty Boys. N.W.O. Power plays. It was all there. It was all so damn predictable.
Then they brought in 100 new guys in one night.
Every new name seemed to erase the one before from our memories.
By the end of the night, TNA had given away months worth of stuff in one night.
I forgot that Ric Flair had even shown up by halfway through the show.
It says a lot when you have so many new debuts that people forget about Ric Flair's surprise arrival.
Plus, they did the whole 1997 thing. No joke. They did the whole thing over. Sting is in the rafters? The N.W.O. is attacking Mick Foley? The Nasty Boys? Oh man. It was so crazy that I thought Hulk and Bischoff were parodying themselves. How could this be what they put out? How could they close out the show with the New World Order attacking Mankind? How?!
Look, I'm glad TNA got some air time on Monday. I'm glad they stirred the pot. But they fumbled the ball at game time. Tonight's Impact could have been booked by anyone. Aside from new faces and shocking debuts, there was no storytelling or character development that seemed to be any better than what we've seen lately. In some ways, it was worse.
Raw, on the other hand, played into their selling point without having to put themselves through a complete overhaul. In the end, they didn't have to do much. Impact was just such a mess that you almost thought they were kidding. This can't be it? Can it? Is it still on, maybe? April fools?
Even Jersey Shore was better than most of Impact. Oh well, you can put the Hogan in the company, but you can't take the crap out of the company. What's that saying? I have no idea. I'm exhausted.
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| All content contained here Copyright 2012 by James Guttman |
