Vince McMahon is in the ring and I miss his old hair. Daddy Mac takes the microphone and makes an admission. He made a mistake. That's right. Mistake with a capital M. He put his son in harm's way last week when he locked himself in a steel cage with him and whipped his butt soundly with a belt. Although that was some sort of sick sexual game tough love that Vince was doing, what happened next was not. The actions of John Bradshaw Layfield following that whipping was completely his own. JBL beat down the Leprechaun and sent him to the hospital. What up wit'dat, Johhny? You like beating on little people? Well how about you little people your arse up this aisle and enter the ring? You have some apologizing to do. Your boss commands you to do so! Post Haste!

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding - da-daa-dadada - da-da-da - MOO! - BURP! - da-daa….

When JBL's cow theme song hits the airwaves, it's time for the Acolyte to do his thing. Blackjack Bradshaw stands in the squared circle and does whatever any other giant wrestler does when the old man who owns the company acts tough to them. He lowers his eyes and takes the abuse.

"I oughta beat the hell out of you in front of these people right now. I want an explanation. You were there simply, simply to control Finlay so I could deliver that tough love. You weren't there to annihilate my son. I want an apology and I want it now."
- Vince McMahon

Despite the sad eyes, JBL has a strong defense, boss. You say he beat up your son? Well he says he didn't. How is that possible? He beat your son up, but didn't?  Is this some sort of riddle? Some sort of enigma? It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting. ..

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. Because Mr. McMahon, I have it on very good advice that Hornswoggle is not your son. This ruse that made Mr.,. McMahon, self made billionaire, look like a fool goes all the way to the top of the WWE. Straight to your family. Hornswoggle is not your son. Hornsowggle is Finlay's son."
     -JBL

Dum-dum-dum…

Apparently, Mr. McMahon saw this coming. After all, he does have a pretty messed up family. He wouldn't put it past them to put something like this together. Hell, Vinnie Mac even doubted he could make a kid like…well, you know, Leprechauny.

With that, JBL gives us the rest of this Days of Our Lives-ish reveal. The whole thing was pretty goofy.

1. Hornswoggle is not a McMahon.

2. Hornswoggle's Dad…Finlay.

3. Hornswoggle didn't know.

4. Finlay did know.

5. Duh.

No documents. No explanation. No nothing. JBL says it's so and it's so. Must be because his character is known for being so truthful. Yeah. Something like that. Whatever works.

The final piece of proof that John Layfield offers is Fit's eyes. Look into Finlay's pupils and you can see proof that he's Horny's dad because they're guilty. If you think that sounds cheesy when written, it sounds even cheesier when JBL says it out loud. Bradshaw promises Mr. McBadDNATest that the next time he gets Fit in the ring, he will force the truth out of him! That will be the real piece of proof. Signed. Sealed. Delivered.  Leave it to John.  He knows that Jack Baur interrogation sh*t - you know, the towel down the throat trick and all that fun stuff.

Triple H has wet hair and a nifty barbarian T-Shirt on backstage. SuddenlyJohn Cena walks up to him, but doesn't get to speak. Hunter instead cuts him off and says his lines for him. This is "blah, blah" time, right kid? You say stupid crap like, "Oh Hunter. We're not friends, but let's put our differences aside tonight." Nonsense! You and the Game may have a tag team match against Randy Orton and Ken Kennedy tonight, but that doesn't mean you have to be friends, friendo. The Marine laughs at this idea and tells the King of Cartoons that he's over-thought the situation. Cena isn't here to tell you that he wants to be friends with you. He's here to tell you to watch your tail. Never know who might wind up kickin' it. Booyah, Terra Ryzin.  Suck on that, Slapnuts.

Commercial Break.

Umaga needs a manager. It takes away from his allure as a savage beast when you know he can walk himself to the ring. You always used to feel like Kamala needed Kimchee. Without him, the Ugandan Giant might just walk into the crowd and eat a baby. Not the case with Maga. He knows where he's going. He can walk there all by himself like a big boy. It just humanizes a character that should be anything but. DH Smith probably wishes that Samoan Bulldozer never learned to walk. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have walked to the ring, and beat his face in. Smitty was given the Duane Gil treatment and knocked around like a rag doll. Every shot hurt through the TV. Every move was brutal. In the end, the thumb to the throat was a showing of mercy.  The pinfall was a welcome count to the suddenly smaller Brit. Greatest part of the match was the Bulldozer counting along with the three count in screaming monster talk.

In the leather couch room, William Regal is watching the last match with Paul Burchill and his hot piece of sibling love, Katie. Seeing Umaga's talents pleases William. He reads us a letter from Smackdown Commissioner Vicki Guerrero. Apparently Miss Vick has challenged Raw to a battle. All Regal needs to do is pick a representitive. Maybe he'll pick the Samoan Bulldozer. Yeah. That would work.

Paul and Katie Burchill aren't keen on that idea, Commish. How about sending your old pirate buddy, Paul, to do the job. He's represent Monday Night. Will thinks about this proposal but will only consider it if the former buccaneer can show him something more. Give it up, Paulie. Show us whatcha workin' with. Burhcill assures Lord William that this will be done. Oh, and he also offers him sex with his sister, in a roundabout way. You know, if that sorta thing interests you, Mate. You like her, Regal. She is nice.  She is number one prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. High five!

Commercial Break. Remember these?

4. Shawn Michaels defeated Lance Cade via disqualification.

This match was pretty interesting. Many already know that Lance Cade was trained by Shawn Michaels. When a student and his trainer wrestle, it adds a new dimension to the match. Most wrestlers don't want to screw up in a match with the guy who trained him. Plus, the trainer puts over the student more than he might someone else in his position. It makes for a good match. This match was no exception. Rather than take some early shots and dominate the rest, Michaels took a good amount of abuse and wages a few false comebacks. Garrison kept the attack up. He whaled away on the Rocker, taking occasional reverse knife edges along the way. They didn't stop him, though. Cade kept coming back. Yet momentum can't last forever. Shawn locked in a figure four-like move that looked like it snapped Cade's leg in half. The youngster screamed and the bell rang, just as Trevor Murdoch hit the ring to hit an elbow. Although the referee called for the bell immediately (prior to the Murdoch attack), it was ruled a disqualification. It looks like he called for the bell early because Lance was in pain. Jim Ross made sure to mention that the match was a DQ twice. You know, just in case anyone decided to do something stupid like trust their eyes. Silly fans. Eyes are for potatoes.

Following the bell, Trevor pounded away on Shawn until the Boy Toy did what he does best - come back from insurmountable odds, clean house, and then do the "Aww Gee" posing routine. That's what happens here. Well, until Ric Flair came out, that is.

After a minute or two, Ric Flair arrives a takes a ringside microphone. Shawn did the same and for a brief moment, I hope against hope that they're going to sing a duet of "Paradise By The Dashboard Light." No such luck. Flair, instead, talks some. That's what he does now. He talks a lot.

"I was so honored last week to have Shawn Michaels introduce me as the first active wrestler to ever be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame…This undoubtedly is the highlight of my career. A magical weekend. Me. The hall of fame. Still participating as an active wrestler and there's only one thing that could make his weekend even more magical.. On thing in the world that ca make Ric Flair's career even bigger. That's to wrestler a man who's name is synonymous with WrestleMania. That is to wrestle the show stopper, Shame Michaels. I want to wrestler you at WrestleMania."
- Ric Flair

Still smeared with some blood, Shawn Michaels looks Ric Flair in the face. Here's the deal, Judge Smails. Michaels isn't okay with something. Mr. McMahon put down the order that you'll be forced out if you lose a match. That's exactly what would happen if you fought the Heartbreak Kid, Ric. You would lose and HBK, well, he doesn’t want to be the man to do that.  He doesn't want to be the guy who retires his hero, sir.

Huh? What you say, punk ass? You saying that it's a forgone conclusion that the Nature Boy is gonna do the J.O.B. to H.B.K. on the P.P.V.? F.U, pal! Ric ain't trying to hear that noise. While the Boy Toy tries to backstep, Flair holds him to his words. You saying that takes away all the kind words you said last week. Your call, kid. Either you give Flairbear a chance to face you at Mania, or else you don't really love Ric like you say you do. Now what do you say?

Come on, boy. I can wait all night. What's it gonna be, boy? Yes or no? What's it gonna be, boy? Yes….or….Nooooooooooooooooooo…..

"It would be my honor to wrestle you at WrestleMania."
- Shawn Michaels

Commercial Break. It's fun you see!

Mike Adamle looks like he's in pain every time he's on screen. This time, Constipated Mike introduces the video package of our newest Hall of Fame inductees for 2008.

WWE Hall of Fame 2008: Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson inducted by The Rock. Say what you want about the Hall of Fame. It's all true. It's not a real Hall of Fame. It's got a lot of politics. All that aside, seeing Duane Johnson induct his dad and grandfather will be pretty cool.

At this point, Maria teaches young girls everywhere a lesson. Getting naked will get you your first video package. After all, why else would men care about you?

Commercial Break.

You can't help but sing the "one of these things is not like the other" song. Why is Ken Kennedy here? He stands out like a sore thumb. Given all that Mark Henry nonsense a few weeks ago, I'm surprised WWE didn't plug him into the spot. If not, there's tons of other top level heels that would have worked. Ken is becoming boring as the plug-in heel. This wasn't a spot for him. It just reminds you of how he's a main event outsider that hasn't settled into his character fully yet when you see him alongside other who are. They need to just leave him be and keep him out of situations where he's used as nothing more than fodder for a greater conflict (The WM Main Event.) It gets him TV time at least. He took turns taking abuse from both Cena and Helmsley, but returned the shots with hits of his own. The momentum shifted a few times and the DeGenerate Marines exchanged hostile tags. After a few too many misunderstandings, Hunter gave his partner the "suck it" sign and drew a barrage of cheers from the anti-John crowd. While it got him praise, it didn't buy him momentum. Hunter quickly found himself on the receiving end of some Orton offense and then from some by Kennedy. In one of the matches closest moments, Ken almost got a three count after he appeared to, well, kick Triple H's head off. Hunt still kicked out, leaving everyone shocked…and sort of bored. The crowd stayed fairly quiet for most of this contest, but managed to wake up in the end. The heels were cheating. The good guys were getting the raw end of the deal. You know the story. You also know that a big part of that story is always the heroic comeback. That happened here. After being knocked senseless by The Legend Killer, Trippie seemed ready to be RKOed. It didn't happen. HHH pushed the Champion off and tagged in the proverbial house of hip-hop fire, Johnny Cena. The C-Man went nuts and unloaded on all who stood in his way. The crowd boocheered like crazy, but strayed more towards the cheering side as things went on. By the time John locked in the STFU and Double K tapped, they were going pretty crazy.

Following the bell, Triple H and John Cena had a staredown. Kennedy rolled into the ring and nailed Cena with a Mic Check. Hunter didn't do anything. Nothing. Zero. Some friend.

John laid on the mat in pain as Kennedy walked dup the aisle and called for his microphone. What did he say? I don't know. Before it could fall, we fade to black.

All in all…For a show that mocked the concept of clichés in the Hunter-Cena promo, we sure hit all the WrestleMania high notes. So much of tonight's episode was right out of the carbon copy ditto machine. You know the dittos I'm talking about. The ones with blue ink that got on your hands. The ones that smelled so good.

The show wasn't bad, per se. What it was was tired and expected. The opponents tagging up storyline is older than the ring ropes. Even the story of Cena telling Trips to watch his own back only to need his help later on is old. It's played out in one form or another over and over. Although we may not have seen this story go exactly as it's going right now, it still feels like we've seen it 100 times before.

If Hornswoggle ends up being a fraud, then this whole McBastard storyline has been a huge waste of time. What the eff? After all that, it was a lie? What type of DNA tests did Vince have done? Does that mean that DNA testing is flawed? Could it be that Q-Tip is really Forever's baby daddy after all? Could Maury have been wrong this afternoon?

Even if Maury's DNA testing was wrong, something tells me that Q-Tip would get additional tests done. If not now, then he would if he was a millionaire…you know, like Vince McMahon.

On a side note, everyone says that Swoggle as Vinnie's kid was really WWE's Plan B. I say, I hope it's Plan B. I'd hate to think that this ridiculous debacle was Plan A.

Michaels and Flair was finally inked. Umaga is the frontrunner for Mystery Match Thing 2008. DH Smith is now a jobber. That's what I got from the rest of the show.

Episodes of Raw like this are needed as we bump along RassleMania Road. Let's just hope this was one quick, but needed, pit stop before things get good.

That does it for me, guys. Be sure to check out Al Snow's uncut ClubWWI.com interview. 59 minutes long and All's first since leaving WWE. You don't want to miss it. Also, be sure to check out the WrestleMania contest and all the rest!

Be Well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!