Raw Theme Plays.

Michael Cole is three weeks away from the 25^th anniversary of WrestleMania and he thinks you're going to love tonight's show.   Then again, he doesn't really care what you think.   He's hosting a TV show and what are you doing?   Huh?   What are you doing?   Eating Fritos?   You're not hosting a TV show.   He is.   So there.   Alongside Cole is the Ol' King – Jerry Lawler.   Folks, you picked a hell of a night to tune in.   We have an update on Triple H's home invasion, Edge vs. John Cena, and the response to Chris Jericho's challenge from Ric Flair.   It's a packed night, people.   So quit'cha'bitchin'!   There's fun to be had!  

Shawn Michaels doesn't need sides on his t-shirt.   He wears that thing like a poncho/apron.   The Man Toy wears such a get-up as he trots to the ring for his tag match.   Shortly after arriving, he   is joined by his partner….

The Undertaker. WrestleMania opponents teaming up?   Betcha didn't see that one coming!   Huh?   You did?   Yeah.   Me too.    Deadgeneration X stands in the ring and await the bad guys.

I am a wrestling God!

Gob of what?

1. Shawn Michaels and Undertaker defeated Vladimir Kozlov and JBL when Michaels pinned JBL.

Undertaker didn't look happy here.   Then again, he never looks happy on TV, so that's not really, you know, news.   Matches like this one remind me why I hated the roster split.   There's so much good talent on the show that they can feature interesting matches.   This bout is an example of that.   It's also a weird one too.   After all, you have HBK and RIP who are facing off at Mania.   On the other side, you have the Russian and the Republican who aren't doing anything.   Just for tonight, they have two of WWE's biggest legends to contend with.   That didn't put them off.   In fact, Layfield and the Moscow Mauler took it up a notch and beat the Boy Toy all about the ring.   When he finally managed to wiggle away, Shawn tagged his dead partner in and let him open up a can of Dead Ass all over the villains.   That's when the dissention set in.   Undie went for the chokeslam on a half-destroyed Bradshaw, but Michaels blind tagged himself in.   Out of nowhere, he hit the Superkick and scored the pinfall.   The announcers remark that the "Show Stopper has become the show stealer."   Oh you guys...The Rocker rolled from the squared circle and sashayed back to the locker room.  

After a few moments, UT left the ring a well.   As he waltzed up the ramp, his music hit. Then, when the Dead Man hit the top of the ramp, he stopped.   Hands on his waist, Mean Mark went into that classic pose he does whenever he's just come out of a fight and has some thinkin' to do.   We all sit back, relax, and…

GET KICKED IN THE FACE!

Well, not all of us.   Not all of us got kicked in the face.   Just Undertaker.   Shawn Michaels did it. He dashed in out of nowhere and just knocked him stupid. The American Bad Ass falls to the ground in pain as the Rocker talks smack and points.   Yeah.   Happy St. Patty's Day Eve, bitch.

Commercial Break.

WWE has an encyclopedia out.   Also, WWE thinks it's 1982.   Are they coming out with a WWE Commodore 64 too?

Before the break, Shawn didn't screw Undertaker.   Shawn's foot screwed the Undertaker.

Vicki Guerrero has screens in her office and Edge stops by to chat.   With his woolen cap on, The Rated R Superstar listens to his wife grovel for a moment.   Come on, hubby.   Your woman didn't mean to bang the Big Show.   That was an accident.   Come awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn!!!!!!   

With that, he stops her rant…to forgive her.   The audience boos.   Vick is incredulous.   She accepts the forgiveness and immediately turns the tables.   Mrs. Edge blames the Big Show for forcing his Giant private parts on her.   R accuses Biggie of doing what he did to get ahead on Smackdown.   Ironically detailing his own situation, Copeland condemns the Showster for being a gigolo but proclaims his own emotions to be real.   Remarkably, the real culprit here is that Whitey Ford lookin' doof, John Cena.   He's got a Canadian buttkickin' comin' round the mountain for trying to embarrass them all last week..   Edgy promises you this, dah-ling.   He promises to finish the Marine for good.   Guerrero urges him to mess Cena up tonight.   In fact, you have nothing to worry about, baby.   After all, your wife is the referee. Muwahahahahahaha!   The two smooch to celebrate their conversation.

Last Monday, Triple H invaded Randy Orton's home with a sledgehammer. Hunter can now scratch "Home Invasion" off of his "Stupid Storylines Bucket List."

Jerry Lawler tells us all that Triple H has posted bail and Randy Orton has opted not to press charges.   Why didn't he do it?   Who knows?   Oh.   Todd Grisham knows.   Take it away, Dennis The Menace's dad.   What's the story?   Since you're standing by with Legacy, how about sticking your stick in Ort's mug and asking him to give some thoughts on this interesting turn of events?

"Triple H is a homicidal maniac!   He broke in my house.   He scared the hell out of the TV crew, terrorized the neighborhood, and traumatized my wife.   She may never be the same. Triple H was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, trespassing, breaking and entering, aggravated assault. He could have gone to prison.   If that happened, he would have paid his debt to society, but he would have paid that debt to me."
- Randy Orton

When is that debt due?   WrestleMania.   He deems the night to be "Orton's Law."   (JG Note: Great.   Does that mean we're all gonna have to wear pink cowboy hats?)

2. Kelly Kelly, Melina, and Mickie James defeated Beth Phoenix, Jillian, and Leyla when Melina pinned Beth

Santino Marella was on commentary for this one.   I love how some women's matches are done for no other reason than to have the introductions.   Each woman comes out one by one.   The men all drool in their heads.   Then the match is like two minutes long.   To further distract from the wrestling, Marella played Muppet Show comedian at ringside the whole time.   At one point, Santa agrees with Jerry Lawler about beautiful women, but admits that the two have had their differences.   Suddenly, I remembered the past these two had and realize how short our collective attention spans have gotten.   It's barely mentioned although it seems fairly soon for the two to be on good terms.   The two are nothing but pleasant from the match's start to the point where the Miracle of Milan tried to butt in.  SanMar abandoned his headset and rushed in to make the save. He fell short though and his involvement lead to Melina's roll up on Beth.   Uno, due, tre.   Arrivederci, Victory!  

John Cena made a movie.   It looks better than the last film.   Then again, home videos of my cub scout troop marching down Wellwood Avenue for the 1985 Memorial Day Parade is better than his last film.

Last Monday, Triple H got arrested.   Why?   Home Invasion… and public masturbation.   That last one they didn't talk about on TV though.

Dude.   You're gonna catch cold.

What?

Your hair.   You're gonna catch cold.   Why's it all wet?   You hot? You want me to make you a paper fan out of a program?

No.   I'm not…dude.   I'm going to the ring.   Can you just move over?

Sure.   I'm just saying.   You're gonna catch cold.   Whatever.

3. Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes

Does this feud really need a home invasion angle?   Do these things ever go overly well?   I mean the odds are against it.   Not too many stories are truly bolstered by a ridiculously overacted on-location shoot.   In this case, WWE could have easily sold Helmsley and Randy Orton without ever leaving the arena.   As for Cody Rhodes, he has to have the magical genes of the Rhodes family.   Not only that, he has the magical backup of Legacy.   With Orton and Ted DiBiase II standing atop the ramp, Rhodes did them proud…and got his ass kicked.   Hunter Hearst McMahonsly pounded the Son of a Son relentlessly.   That's when he grabbed the sledgehammer.   Uh oh.   Rather than hit Codedust with the weapon, he opts to land a Pedigree.   Then, he motions to the heavens.   Know what falls down?  

I don't know!

GREEN SLIME!    AHHH!   Ha ha.   Remember that?   Ah.   We have fun.

No, it was actually a steel cage.   The unforgiving structure, complete with its own theme song, fell to the floor and the Game was locked inside.   For some reason just as it falls, the bell rings yet again to summon a new match – this time with more gating!

3a.  Steel Cage Match: Triple H pinned Cody Rhodes

The bout restarted and that was that.   It was basically crazy Gamer with Miss Sledgie and a big gate locking him in with his cowering prey.   Cody took many nasty shots, but the closing one was a hammer to the face that laid him out for the pinfall.   Man.   Bam!   That Hunter Hearst Homeboy is one cool feller.

After the official word, Trippie sat on top of the 15 foot high steel barricade as Randall seethed from below.  They kept this general pose for a few minutes. It looked like they were trying to make more footage for future video packages.   Bad ending.   The entire thing felt really forced and didn't do the heated rivalry any favors.

Still to Come:   The Rated R Superstar vs. The Rated G Munchee Chee.

Earlier tonight, Ric Flair's limo arrived.   He's still stylin' and profilin' at 80, but the real question is whether he'll wrestle tonight.    And whether he'll wear the same pants home that he wore there.

4. Rey Mysterio pinned Dolph Ziggler after a flying splash.

What the hell is this?  We kick things off with Rey Mysterio wearing a Conquistador mask to the ring.   So that one threw me off.   Then he's wrestling Dolph Ziggler, who's basically Lodi.   That's his thing.   He's Lodi without the goggles and the gay.   Basically, he's an afterthought of a gimmick that, in terms of his spot on the card, reminds me of Mike Enos in WCW.   He's king of the jobbers.   Case in point, Rey Rey done messed him up.   After doing the flippity thing for a bit, Mysterio hit the 619 and flying splash for the pin.   Ol King and Cole wonder about Raymond Steerio's chances of getting a shot at JBL's belt this coming Mania.   Then, they suddenly forget about that and move on to something else.   You done here, Rey!   You go now!   You been here FOUR HOUR!

Did You Know?   W.W.E. are all letters of the alphabet, but they do not appear in that order.   In fact, two letters are actually the same!

Chris Jericho comes to the ring and Michael Cole calls him "The Narcissist."

And the world holds its breath.   Could it be?   Does anyone hear a bus?  

Nope.   No Express of any kind.   Instead, we watch old clips of Y2J doing the Legend Killer gimmick.   He hits the ring in full 'rasslin' gear and calls Ric Flair out.   You stole Jericho's shot at WrestleMania immortality, Old Boy!   Now you know the challenge.   Come out of retirement.   Face the King of Bling Bling tonight.   It's obvious this is what you wanted.   All you want is to jump out of retirement to feel the love again.   You say you're the man?   You're the coward.   You're a joke.   You can't live without the spotlight.   That's what you crave.   Spotlight.   And other things, but for the purposes of this speech, we're talking about spotlight.   So let the first Unified World Champion give that to you one last time.   Soak up the love once again, Gramps.   Just like last year at your overblown retirement gimmick, soak it up.   It's waiting for you…with open arms.

The Wooo rings out and we're treated to the 2009 time world champion, Ric Flair, who is dressed like Ricardo Montalban on Fantasy Island.   His hair is looking rather cotton-like today and he has something to speak about:

"Chris even though I know I can beat you, I am officially retired as an active competitor.   But make no mistake, I will always be the man.   However I will not tarnish that great retirement and send off given me by the whole world a year ago.   I won't let my peers and all the people down that made that night the greatest night of my career.   I can't wrestle you, Jericho, but I have found some men that can."

- Ric Flair

Who are these men on a mission?   They're not Men on a Mission, although that would be friggin' awesome.   It's…

Oh my God!   I loved you guys as a kid!

Yeah?   Who did you like best?   Me?   The Superfly over there?   Steamboat?

Huh?   What?   I thought you guys were Sha-na-na.

Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat.   They, like Flair, are not dressed to wrestle.   They storm the ring like four nice gentlemen going up to get the bingo cards and pudding cups for the pretty ladies at their tables.   But they're not hear for soft desserts.   They're here to kick butt and chew bubble gum…and they're all out of bubble gum.   Sha-na-na circle the worried Jericho and eventually close in on him.

Each man takes a side and Chris is stuck.   Trapped.   Which legend gets to beat him up first?

All of them.   Steamboat hits him low.  Snuka hits him high.   Piper hits him in the middle.   And Flair punches him in the face.   Fozzy scurries off and a rather empty segment comes to an end.

Chris Jericho is walking along backstage when Todd Grisham grabs him.   What up, Chris?   Jericho is livid.   Those fogies ruined his night.   They ruined it!   He was supposed to have a WrestleMania moment!   You know what, Todd?   Good thing you've drummed up all this excitement in Y2J.   You've given him the go ahead to make a new challenge….

WrestleMania 25: Chris Jericho vs. Jimmy Snuka, Ricky Steamboat, and Roddy Piper with Ric Flair in their corner.

What?

Oh and Mickey Rourke, no one has forgotten about you, chopped meat face.   You've got   a front row seat to the beatings.   Christopher will beat these has-beeeeens to a pulp and you'll be forced to watch.

So there it is.   I guess we have Jericho-Piper/Snuka/Steamboat.   You know the worst part?   I'm sure anyone would love to see Chris Jericho face Ricky Steamboat one on one ten times more than this handicap debacle.   That match would get people talking.   Adding Jimmy and Roddy to mix actually hurts the whole thing.   It's subtraction by addition.   I'm surprised they didn’t see that.   Either way, that's what they're doing.   Call your local cable operator for availability.

5. CM Punk, MVP, and Kofi Kingston defeated Kane, Mark Henry, and Shelton Benjamin when Punk pinned Benjamin

Christian, Finlay, and Hornswoggle were on commentary.   Cole and Lawler treated Christian as if he had been with WWE this whole time at first. But at one point Cage finally did admit his leave of absence and newfound desire to make good in WWE.   Finlay mumbled in an Irish accent.   Horny giggled maniacally.   That got really annoying really quickly.   In one interesting moment, Fit told Michael Cole that if he won the Money in the Bank match, he'd cash it in that night – at WrestleMania.   His quick response makes me think that he has zero chance of winning.   They probably told him he could say whatever the hell he wants. (JG Note:   Go on, Dave.   Tell 'em you'll challenge him for the title on Mars on top of a pile of million dollar bills.   Whatever.)   Back in the ring a match was going on and it with all the chatting, you'd almost forget.   By the time CM Punk hit Shelton Benjamin with the Go To Sleep, we were already looking to the future.   One of these men will win a briefcase at WrestleMania!   Second place?   Second place is a set of steak knives.   Third place is you're fired…

John Cena likes making movies. He just did a new one.   Tell him how nice it was.   We're trying to be supportive.

Fixing her referee shirt, Vicki Guerrero angrily stumbles onto the Big Show in her office.   Show is shocked at her confrontational demeanor.   Listen, Vick, we all know that you're the one who seduced Biggie.   Also, we know that Biggie is, well, bigger than Edge, so to speak.   Much like her husband did earlier, Showster professes his love for V.G. and claims that it's the Canadian who's using her.   The two finish the segment with a creepy kiss.   The longer this storyline goes, the less I'm liking it.

Earlier tonight, Shawn Michaels stole Undertaker's win.   Then he stole his smile.

Again, Todd Grisham is running after someone.   This time around, it's Triple H.   Todd asks Hunter how he got Vicki Guerrero to cooperate with him and lower the cage on cue.

Hey?!   When did we start questioning things like that?   Good eye, Grishy.

Helmsley, doesn't answer Todd.   Instead, he gets in his car, kisses Stephanie McMahon – who's seated in the passenger seat, and drives off.   That's how he answers.   Incidentally, that's also how he answers the question, "Hey!   Why do you always get to be champion?!"

I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. McMahon.   We just need to get a ref shirt for Vicki and we don't have any for a somewhat dumpy woman.

Give her Patterson's.

6. Edge vs. John Cena was a No Contest

Matches like this remind you of how new Vicki truly is to all this.   WWE should avoid using her in situations like this one.   She seemed uneasy and scared in the ring.   As a wrestler's wife, she must have worried a lot.   I can't imagine that she's entirely comfortable in the mix of things with the action going on around her.   Outside the match, on the microphone, she's great.   When they put her in a ref shirt, she seems to tense up a bit.   She remained inside when the bout spilled outside.   Edgar Cage slammed the snot out of Cena and rolled back in to his wife's timid claps.   The advantage was short lived though.   The Doctor of Thuganomics came back from behind and started ripping into the R Rated Wrestler.   He seemed to have it all going his way and prepared to lower his Knuckle Shuffle.   Guerrero tried to shield her man from harm and at each turn thwarted John's victory.   He went for the F-U Adjustment, and she pulls her Edgy from harm's way.   Doc Thuggy locks on the STF…and she chokes him from behind!  No keeping her down!    Now there's a woman you want by your side.   Jake Roberts wouldn’t slap you, Miss Vicki.   Trust me.

That's when The Big Show came out and the Mighty J.C. was screwed with a capital F.   He found himself tied up in the ropes as Team "I Did Vicki" join up to pound the Marine in the head.   When Show hits "knockout punch," Michael and Gerald sell it like a gunshot.   The beating has been given.   All is right in the world.   Ain't no woman gonna keep these two men from being friends with benef….

Out of nowhere, Edge Spears Big Show as we fade to black.

All in all …I'm not loving these shows.   I have to be honest.

WWE really seems to have peaked a few weeks ago.   The Raw before Hunter's home invasion should have happened this week.   I feel like they splashed the story across the world and then dragged it out for too long before hitting the payoff.  

You can add Edge and Big Show to this too.   It's growing off me by the week.   As I mentioned in the report about Sanitino and Lawler, we all have a short attention span nowadays.   Each week between the high point of a feud and the payoff only cools down the whole thing. The falling of the cage, while a memorable moment, wasn't anything special and given how over-the-top they've been with these two, you'd think they'd save the home invader gimmick for the final week leading into the show.   Instead, it's already old news.

Wow.   That Jericho thing kinda stinks, no?   I think you'd be hard pressed to argue that Y2J versus three legends at once screams comedy side-show.   With Mickey Rourke at ringside with Ric Flair, you can only imagine that this thing ends with everyone holding up one another's arms as Fozzyface, as he has so often before, scurries away.   Meh.

Michaels and the Undertaker is on track.   That's going great, in my opinion.   If anything, they've gotten less attention than they probably should have.   It leaves you wanting more and, in today's day and age of beat 'em over the head TV, is a rarity.   It's always good to give 'em less and leave them wanting more than the other way around.

Rey Mysterio's squash.   Money in the Bank guys with nothing real to do until Mania.   Divas doing diva things.   It was all here.   We can only hope that they've got some big things still up their sleeves.   At this point, we're treading water to Houston and it's getting less enjoyable at seven day clips.

I'll be by with a new uncut shoot interview in the next few days.   There's a bunch more on the way with many of your favorites, so be sure to check back.

I also want to take a moment to send out my condolences once again to the family and friends of Andrew "Test" Martin.   The loss of anyone so young is a tragedy and our thoughts go out to you..

That does it for me.   Be well and thanks for sharing the Insanity!