OK.   Let's start with WrestleMania 11.   Most people would start with 1, but WrestleMania 11 has two ones in it.   So that makes it doubly one.   See how that works?   Two ones.   Some people wouldn't notice that, but I do.   That's how business works.

This night was a night unlike any other nights.   No one was reclining as the epic battle between football and wrestling took place.   Rip Taylor was the big star and he squared off against Bam Bam Flintsone.   Bam Bam!   That's what he said.   He said Bam Bam!   Like that chef.   I like that chef.   He should be at WrestleMania.   Bam Bam!   What's his name?   Bam!   Hey.   Whatever happened to him?

So in the main event, this happened.   That happened.   Wrestling moves and ice cream.   A fun time was had by all and the children in the audience went home sad because it was still about 10 years away from the invention of the "Apprentice" home game.

NBC.   Sunday nights.

Joan Rivers is on this season.   You know her?   Joan Rivers?   Stu!   Pay attention.

So next year at WrestleMania 12, there were these two fellas.   I call this one fella Shawn.   I call this other fella Michael.   Michael and Shawn faced off in a Breast Heart Match.   People like breasts.   People have hearts.   That's genius marketing right there and is why Vince McMahon earned all the money he earned last year.   He knows how to tap into what the people want.   Cookies and cream.   Boats and Hoes.   Breasts and hearts.   That, my friend Stu, is business sense.

WrestleMania 13 was held on Easter Sunday under a bridge.   Two trolls named Lenny fought to the death for the honor of being named the Last Comic Standing.   It ended with both guys tapping out to the dreaded bodyslam.   Then they all had cake.   F**k you.

You know who eats cake?   Me.   Donald Trump.   I do.   Do you, Stu?   Good.   I like cake.    It's good for you.   Lots of vitamins.   I picked that up from a Bill Cosby stand up act.   Bill Cosby.   Smart fella.   Made a lot of money last year.    Not as much as me, but that's okay.  

The following year, Roddy Robbie Pothead and a chimpanzee burst onto the scene and wreaked havoc on all the heroes - Ivan Putski, Barry Widmore, Long John Stud, Dickie Balzack, Meatballs Marinara - you know the names.   So that's when WWE Hall of Flames inductee "Cold Stone Creamery" Steve Awesome debuted.   He took out the Pothead and the monkey and that's the dollar lime because Cold Stone sled goats!

The next two WrestleManias took place over the course of a three day weekend.   It was entitled The Night of the Walkers.   Old people were suspended high above the ring.   How high?   As high as my bank account.   Know why my bank account is so high?   Because I'm very successful.   Seriously, Stu.   I'm a very successful man. I have a wonderful business.   I have a hit show with my very lovely daughter and somewhat gorky son.    You're lucky to know me.    You hear me?    Stu.   Listen to me.   You're lucky to know me.  

Anyway, that year the main event featured the Pothead monkey against the fish from that "Give me back that Filet o' Fish" commercial.   I love that fish.   How's he singing?   He's a fish!   That's what Vince McMahon realized when he signed that son of a gun to a contract and put 500 billion asses into the Pontiac Trump Dome in Kansas Louis, Missouri.   There wasn't a dry seat in the house.   Pretty gross.

The next year, fans were treated to WrestleMania 17 - The Secret of The Ooze.   The top contest that night showcased the skills of Brutus the Barbell and Uncle Elmo inside of the unforgiving Hell in a Cellophane.    This spectacular battle was spawned from a tag match on Saturday's Nice Main Event.   Barbell teamed up with his brother Hulkamania and battled Uncle Elmo and Mike Seaver.   When Mike went for his finishing move, The Growing Pain, he was jumped from behind by The Underfeller and the two rolled off into the night or whatever.   So a month later when Elmo and Brutus hooked it up one on one, the fans were excited.   The match up ended when Uncle pinned his opponent inside the casket.   Where'd the casket come from, you ask?   Huh?   Where'd the casket come from?   It came from the Batesville Casket Company, a subsidiary of Hillenbrand.   They did seven…hundred… million dollars in business in 2007.   That's a lot of money.    Very good company.   Very successful.

Where's that Sierra Mist I asked for?

Every year, when Vince McMahon presents the Wrestling Mania, no one can stay away.   People flock in droves.   2005 was no exception at the 23^rd annual event.   This one, titled WrestleMania: The SummerSlam Survivor Series, featured the return of Bam Bam Flintstone, who rode to the ring in one of those little dinosaur cars.   You know the kind of mileage they get on those things?   Dinosaur cars?   They get very good mileage.   It's a good way to save money.   Are you listening, poor people?   DINOSAUR CARS.   Drive 'em.   Your wallet will thank you.   Then you can thank me.   The Apprentice.

NBC.   Sundays.   Dennis Rodman is in it this season.   On his application, he actually wrote "Reality Ho."   Can you believe that?   What a character that Dennis is.   He's tough.  I've seen him on the court.  He's one tough cookie, that Dennis.

So at this year's big event, you can be sure that the world is going to be watching.   WWF Inc's WrestleMania 2500 featuring such bouts as John Cement against Edge and Big Margaret Cho.   Also, Randy Orton, son of WWE Hall of Flamer Superfly Jimmy, meets the fella with the hair in a Tables, Ladder, and Tables match.   I'm excited.   Everyone's excited.   Look, Stu.   Put your hand in my pocket.   See?   I'm excited.   You should be too.

But, unfortunately, at the end of the day, Stu, the ladies sold $20,000 in caskets from Batesville while your team only sold $9,000.   It wasn't even close.   And, you failed to manage Dennis.  He's a tough cookie, that Dennis.   But the responsibility lies with you as project manager.  Stu, we're close friends.    You're a wonderful person.   But, Stu…your fired.

Ah.

What was I talking about again?

Where's that goddamn Sierra Mist!?

ClubWWI.com Members,

Two New Shoots!

1. Extreme Rules: Jeff Hardy pinned Dolph Ziggler after the Swanton Bomb

Jeff Hardy looked like Doink the Clown.  His face paint gets weirder every week.  Dolph Ziggler gets introduced while his opponent's music is still playing.  What does that tell you about his chances?  Yup.  You go it.  Sqaushville USA.  That'll kill your spirit.  Squad.

After the bell, Doink takes the microphone and tells his brother that what he just saw wasn't extreme, but what he'll feel at WrestleMania…"WILL BE!"  Argh!  Jeff mad!  JEFF MAD!  ARGG!  ARG!  ME KILL YOU!  ME GO PUT ON NAILPOLISH!  ARGH! 

Backstage, it's comedy time.  John Cena, wearin the AWA parody shirt that's supposed to say "HLR" for Hustle, Loyalty, Respect, but looks like it says "HLA" for Hot Lesbian Action, has a new bit he's been working on.  It's a storybook for Vicki Guerrero.  The sound guy must hate Vicki too because he's in on it.  Fairy Tale music pipes in as Dr. OG Readmore reads from his construction papered tale.  It was the type of segment that you know is going to be lame before it begins.  It was bad rhymes and photoshopped pics of Vicki's "babies" with each man.  Silly stuff.  Then again, it's John Cena.  He doesn't do Shakespeare - unless it's a bit about Shakespeare making poopies and being gay with Skeletor.

Commercial Break.

Video Recap of Triple H vs. Randy Orton..  I love angles based on reality.  Because that's what I do if I get mad at someone.  I break into their place and terrorize the crap out of them and their family with a weapon.  Ah.  I get it.  Hunter's like the "everyman."  It's funny 'cause it's true.

Movie Star Todd Grisham is chilling with Randy Orton at the close of the video.  Yo.  Randy.  What up with that stuff?  How you feelin', kid?  Orton's feeling angered, Grish.  Helmsley called Randall a coward?  Screw that!  Dandy Randy ain't no coward.  He beat up every McFamily Member from Vince down to Stephanie.  That proves how tough he is.  So Triple, lace your boots.  Tonight, my friend.  Something big is going down.  There will be violence of epic proportions.  You don't want to miss this.  To quote the famous philosopher, Handbanana…

Tonight… You.

It's time for Edgy vs. Goliath.  First man out is Edge.  He takes the ring, belt slung on his shoulder, and waits for Biggie to come on down.  But he doesn't.  Instead, Lillian Garrrrrcia gets another chance to roll them r 's and brings out "Vicki Guerrrrrrerrrro!"

Confined once again to a wheelchair, Vicki Guerrero is wheeled out by Nephew-in-Law Chavo.  Just as she's about to speak, we go to an abrupt…

 Commercial Break.

Back from the break and Vicki's been wheeled to ringside.  Her R-Rated Husband walks over, whispers some words, and then heads back to the squared circle to await the arrival of Moose.

Excuse me, Big Show.  This is my son, Billy, he wanted your autograph.

Yeah.  That's great.  Hey.  You gonna finish that?

What?

That.  Right there.  You gonna eat the rest of that?

That?  That's my son.  Billy.  I just told you he wanted your...

OK then.  If you don't want him, then I'll eat him.

RUN, BILLY! RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Before Show hit the ring, he too stopped to talk to Guerrero.  Jerry Lawler thought it looked as though she didn't care for either dude.  Michael Cole mentions that she's gone on record as saying she'll go with whomever wins the Triple Threat Match…provided it's either Edge or Show.  Not that other guy.  What's his name?  John Cena?

You rang?  John Cena is on the giant video phone and he's sorry he can't be there tonight, boys.  He's about to do the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson or whoever it is.  But no worries.  Johnny Cakes is there in spirit and just like everyone else, he wants to see you two beat the "holy hell out of each other."  He reminds them to not lose sight of the big prize.  Forget Vicki G.  You don't need that woman. You don't need nothing but heart!  Breast heart!  Think about what brought you to the dance and act like men.  'Cause, boys, come Wrestle F'n Mania, when the Doctor of Thuganomics takes back that World Title, you'll both have nailed Miss Vicki for no reason at all.  None.  Now wrestle, bitches.

2. Edge vs. Big Show was a no contest….I think.

Michael Cole giggles about how Cena has manipulated the situation.  I feel like Michael Cole is to John Cena what Chris Matthews is to Barack Obama.  He's kind of infatuated with him.  I can just picture Cole making macaroni art pictures of Cena and mailing it to his house.  I think of things like this during boring matches like this one.  At one point, Big started shouting "He doesn't deserve you" to Vicki at ringside.  The scary thing?  The arena was so silent that it was incredibly loud.  Never a good sign when you can yell during a match and be louder than the audience.  That's not as much the fault of these guys as it was of the people who matched them together.  Fans don't like heel vs. heel matches.  Especially in the case of these two - who are less "cool heels" and more about getting heat.  Fans were apathetic.  The only one who seemed to care was Vicki, who sent Chavo into the ring to stop the match when Show tied her hubby up in the ropes.

The bell rang when Chavito ran in.  No idea why.  The bell rang though.   You know how the Giant handled it?  Like a trooper - that's how.  Two on one ain't nothing to Biggie Shows.   He side stepped Edgar's running spear and caused Latino Nephew to eat it instead.  After knocking Adam Copeland from the ring, Big Paul eyed his wheel chaired wonder woman and then walked back to the locker room.

Still to come:  Triple H vs. Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase.  Triple H is in yet another handicap match tonight.   Why do you think the writers keep putting him in matches where he's handicapped?   You think they're trying to tell him something?

Commercial Break.

 3. Rey Mysterio pinned William Regal  

William Regal has some new friends.  Who?  JBL.  Yup.  Won't catch Bradshaw giving William NTSC DVDs.  He has his back, so Willie has his.  Tonight His Lordship will be facing off against young Raymond Steerio - Mr. Layfield's WrestleMania opponent. JBL did commentary here and played the nepotism card on Rey Mysterio early.  He says that the mini had a famous family that got him into wrestling.  Si, Rey.  So now, John has to prove him to be overrated.  He'll do it at WrestleMania.  Greatest stage.  Bright lights.  All that nonsense.  In the ring, Lord William is doing piss poor, so to speak.  Mysterio flies around like a little flying matchine and the Brit is lost in the flury.  619er does his thing and picks up the win.

After the official word, Bradshaw walks to the apron and claps for the teeny little super guy.  How does Rey Rey respond?  He kicks him. 

Right in the face.

Last week, Shawn Michaels Superkicked the Dead Man.  Will Undertaker kill him for it?  Find out…next!

Commercial Break.

The ring is blue and Undertaker has a microphone, which he uses to tear into Shawn Michaels and his delusions of grandeur.  Hey, Boy Toy.  You've said some truth.  For starters, Undie never beat you one-on-one.  That's true.  But,,,

"The last time we did battle, you spent the next five years at home in agonizing pain trying to recover!  Now you say you're not afraid of me.  On Sunday April 5th, we will find out.  At WrestleMania, Shawn when you stand across the ring me and you start to question your own fate, and you will.  Just remember, it was you who opened the gates to hell."
- The Undertaker

Oh, oh…Shawn Michaels.  HBK can't hear no more.  We go to the big screen and see a video package featuring the Degeneration Xer in a grave yard.  What follows is a really good segment featuring Michaels going grave to grave and recounting each Taker Mania win through his 16-0 winning streak..  The final grave isn't marked for the Rocker, though.  Nope.  It's marked for the Taker.  The final grave is engraved…"16-1," and Shawn fills it with dirt to end the vid.  With quick clips flashing and eerie camerawork, this was a really solid piece for this feud.  It put over both guys really well and when the lights came back on, Under seemed very upset.  Jerry Lawler points out that no one has gotten into Taker's head like this since DDP (JG Note:  OK.  He didn't say that.  He said, "never."  I said, "DDP.") 

Good piece and solid take on whet is a bright spot for WrestleMania 25.  HBK vs. Dead Man Inc has show stealer written all over it.

Commercial Break.

Santino Marella is in the ring with Rosa Mendez and Beth Phoenix to deliver a promo about tonight's match.  Seems that if he can beat Mickie James with one hand tied behind his back, he can go on to WrestleMania 25's Diva Battle Royal for the right to be… Miss WrestleMania. Bada-boom-ching. To be honest, I could barely listen.  I've gone from really loving Santino Marella's character to almost hating it.  He talks like someone doing baby talk to a toddler.  It's so exaggerated and hackneyed.  The endearing thing about his persona at first was the subtly of the silliness.  Now it's like Corky The Clown on crack.  Sad.

4. Mickie James pinned Santino Marella

How long can Santino go without doing anything?  He's done nothing!  When he debuted and feuded with Roddy Piper, Steve Austin, Cousin Sal, and Ron Simmons, I kept saying that we'll know more about him when he moves into a real feud instead of the comedy thing.  Guess what.  There is nothing else!  That's it.  The guy has yet to do anything that isn't a sideshow act and it's killed the whole character.  What was once funny is now annoying.  The audience was about as loud for this one as they were for the Big Show-Edge match.  No one seemed to care either way and the humor of it all seemed to be lost on the crowd.  They barely popped, even when Marella was pinned - hence keeping him out of the WrestleMania Battle Royal.  Aw.  So sad.  Maybe he should make some funny faces and mispronounce some more words in a mirror.  That'll cheer him up.

Commercial Break.

Did you know?  Raw is cable's highest rated show among 18-24 year olds who fill out their questionaires with pencils and/or erasable pens.

Michael Cole is joyous over the opening of John Cena's 12 Rounds.  It gives him a tingle up his leg.   Let's look at a clip.

Earlier tonight, Chris Jericho squashed Ric Flair's watch.  This angers Jerry Lawler so much that he challenges Jericho to a bout next week.  If Lawler wins, he gets to squash your head with a hammer.  How's that sound?  Good?  No?  OK.  Then how about a regular match?  That work?  OK?  Ok.  See ya then, smelly.

5. Triple H defeated Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase via disqualification.

This one started with Triple H going straight on the attack.  He couldn't keep his hands off of Orton and each time he broke away, the Game chased him down again.  Ted DiBiase tried to get involved and eventually made himself useful as Randy's co-hort.  The duo beat down the McSon-in-Law, but that was short-lived.  Gamy go the upper hand yet again and went under the apron to get his trusty sledgehammer, Miss Sledgie…

…but there wasn't no Sledgie.  There was only Cody. Cody Rhodes came springing out from under the ring and pounded on Hunter. Handcuffs in hand, Rhodes and his Legacy Brethren cuffed Trips to the top rope, circled him like wild dogs, and stomped a mudhole in him.  Then - you guessed it - they walked him dry.   They walked it dry, I tell ya!

After the beating, Randy grabbed Miss Sledgie for himself.  He tossed a few more punches in Gameboy's face, took the hammer, and went to swing.  But he didn't go very far.  Stephanie McMahon and her weird grimace came to plead for his safe return.

Steph begs Randall to not cave in her hubby's skull.  She gets on the apron and pleads.  That’s when Orton got that look in his eye and she backed away…

…but DiBiase and Rhodes were there behind her.  Oh no!  She had nowhere to run.   So, stuck by the ropes, she was easy prey.   The Legend Killer grabbed her by the head and, as her husband watched, nailed her.

With the DDT.  Her head smashed into the ground and Sideburns could do nothing but cry like a goon.  To punish him for this goony behavior, Randy threw some more punches.

When that got old, he took the sledgehammer…and placed it down beside Stephanie McMahon.  He then dropped to his knees and, while staring at Hunter, kissed her.  He smooches Stephanie right on the mouth  (JG Note: He must want the cage to obey his orders.) and the Cerebral Assassin was beside himself.

Still commentaryless after what seems like forever, we finish things off with a stare down between the Mania opponents that ends badly for Helmsley.  How badly?  Sledgehammer across the face badly.  The deranged third generation star doesn't seem to be done though.  He stares deeply into the Champion's eyes, before walking off.

From the ramp, The Legacy Leader holds the sledgehammer up and doesn't appear to be finished.

Then we suddenly fade to black.  I guess he was finished after all.

All in all…I'm not loving this anymore.

There were five matches tonight.  Two of them had non-endings.  Two felt like squashes.   The other was between Santino Marella and Mickie James.  It was auto-pilot pure and simple.  With the exception of the Shawn Michaels video tape, which wasn't even something done tonight, the show was pretty ho-hum.

Chris Jericho's promo was ridiculous and the Ric Flair thing will never feel finished unless they fight,  But if they fight, it'll cheapen Flair's retirement.  Is it worth the trade off?  Who knows.  All I know is that I'm not jumping out of my seat for it right now, so whatever you got - do it.  

Oh and on a side note, how bad are WWE kicking themselves for retiring Ric Flair last year when this whole Wrestler thing happened this year.  The only thing separating Flair from Randy the Ram is the squashed head.

Rey Mysterio and JBL have potential.  So do Jeff Hardy and his ish with Matt.  Of course, these two conflicts got the least amount of airtime.  Go figure.  We get Edge and Big Show in a match of silence and more Triple H-Stephanie-Randy drama.   It just seems like the same show every week now.   With only a week left now, I think this is what we have to expect until WM 25 "drops," as the kids say.

That about does it for me.  Don't forget to check out the new content up and posted right now on ClubWWI.com.  Not only do we have brand new shoot interviews with Colin Delaney, D-Ray 3000, and over 150 other wrestling stars, but also new audio from Canadian Bulldog (Complete and Utter Game Night) and ZAH (ROH on HDNet Episode One According To ZAH.)  Be sure to check 'em all out!

See you next week!  Be Well and thanks for sharing the Insanity!