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JG's Real Time Raw: Santino Wants To Have Sex With Roddy Piper, Shawn Michaels Beats Mr. Fuji, and William Regal Screws Everything Up In The Final Two Minutes
By James Guttman
 ...
This report was written in real time as Raw aired.
Yes sir, we promised you a great main event... Andre THE GIANT...WrestleMania!...Katie Vick was a friend of mine...I did it for the Rock...Hulkamania is running wild...Rest in Peace...Do you have any more gum...If ya smelllllllll.....Give me a hell yeah....Hocus Pocus Alamagogus....What the world is watching! Last night at Backlash...Edge's lady, despite her power, couldn't help him win the World Title. When reached for comment, Triple H said, "What? Why are you asking me for a comment on that? Oh. Ha ha. Real funny, jagoff." Jim Ross is standing by at ringside with...yet another King, Jerry Lawler. (JG Note: How many kings does this show need? Remember when Jerry used to beat people up for claiming to be King? Now he's surrounded by them and doesn't bat an eyelash.) We are live in dirty Jersey, baby, and ready to knock your socks on your ass. So put your greasy little hands together, punks. The H Man cometh - yup, yup.
Hunter Hearst Hemsley is in the Izod House, folks. With his brand new Spinny title wrapped around his barbarian-loving waist, the King of Kings walks to the ring with a smile on his face. After Lillian Garcia gives him the intro, Jerry tells us that the "Age of Orton is over. It's time to play the Game!" Hunter steps onto the apron, wets himself by spitting water directly above his own head, stands on the turnbuckle, and appears to have a conversation with...uh, no one? Himself? Not sure. After listening to the people chant his initials, The Game speaks: "Before we get started, I have an announcement to make. I hate to be a downer, but um, as of right now, the age of Orton is officially dead! Eight months ago. Eight months ago, I stood behind that curtain ready to make a comeback after being out for about a year. not knowing what was going to happen. Not knowing if I could be the best again. not knowing if I could truly be back. Eight months later, I return to this same building and tell you without a shadow of a doubt, the Game is back! And I know there' s a long list...." Hey! Nothing you can say! Randy Orton is here and although his age is dead, he has something to say. He lets the Game know that he condemns this "victory speech." What's the ish, wet head? You proud of what you did last night? Randall had the odds against him! Hunt uses this chance to throw The Legend Killer's words in his face. You claimed to be the sure fire winner last night, Cowboy Baby. Now you're crying foul? Ort agrees. He had no shot against three guys. It's like come awwwwn! Helmsley calls him on his garbage. You dig four ways, three ways, eight ways, and half-and-halfs, right? After all, then you don't have to do a damn thing but wait for someone to do your dirty work. RKO denies this and says the reason for these multi-man matches is because no one was on his level. So, let's just do this. Forget complaints. Let's just do it again. In three weeks, the former Champion is going to use his rematch clause and then it'll be Game Over (TM - John McCain) Trippie finds humor in that and explains why. "I made a career of running my mouth and telling people how great I am. The difference between me and you is when I told people I was great, I was telling the truth." The new Champ tells the former titleholder to take a walk. When he doesn't, Hunter figuratively puts his groin the freezer, and then cold-cocks Randy in the face. Bada-BAM! Oh no, you di'n't! Enraged, the Head Punter rolls from the ring and announces that he's not waiting for Judgment Day. He's using his rematch clause....TONIGHT! Lawler and Ross have no idea if this is lip service or legit. They promise more info....after the break. Back from the break and it's official! Randy Orton vs. Triple H happens tonight! Wet your head and lock your luggage - it's on. 1. WWE Woman's Champion Mickie James, Maria, Ashley, Michelle McCool, Cherry, and Kelly Kelly defeated Beth Phoenix, Melina, Jillian, Victoria, Natalia Neidhart, and Lela when Mickie pinned Jill Are these people kidding me? They're rematching this throwaway match and considering it a good thing? It just continues to make people feel like the Divas are somewhat pointless. It also seems ridiculous when you realize that most of these women have one name. Things kick off with Beth Phoenix kicking Kelly Kelly's booty from pillar to post. Kelly, who's dressed like Miley Cyrus at a photo shoot, can do nothing more than get pummeled and like it...until Victoria tags in. Kelly manages a brief comeback, but overall is ineffective. When Melina, who for some insane reason has her hair in a bun like Lillith on Cheers, joins the fight, she too gets to beat up Double K. The one who finally gives Kel her opening is Jillian. She misses a handspring...um, nothing. Kelly Squared crawls to the corner and tags in Mickie James, who tears into the former Molegirl. Then...out of nowhere, Mick gets a pin. Yup. Natalia Neidhart, in her Raw debut, never even gets tagged in. Wow. That was certainly pointless. 2. JBL pinned Highlander Robbie after the Clothesline From Hell Hey! Look who's on TV and not even getting intro music. Robbie McAllister, ready to make an impact! The Highlander, who has no shot at getting any offense much less a win, tries to hold his own and does so...for the first four seconds of the match. After that, he gets punched, kicked, and lariated. The three count took up about half the match on this one. Commercial Break. Why do I have a feeling that Kane burnt it?
3. Paul London and Brian Kendrick defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch when Kendrick pinned Murdoch
Paul London and Brian Kendrick are featured in the new
Highlights WWE Kids Magazine. I may be joking, but in all seriousness they appear to have stolen the whole "Hidden Pictures" gimmick from Highlights. (JG Note: Goofus and Gallant...watch your backs.) Watching the bumps that London and Kendrick take reminds you how misused they are. Forget size or any of that stuff. When Paul takes a backdrop, he damn near hits the ceiling. It's a sight to see. This match was the exception to the rule though. Brian scored a surprise roll-up on Trevor and scored an awkard pin. Seriously. In total, he had him down for about an hour.
After the bell, Lance "Have You Seen My Hair Gel" Cade got in Trevor Murdoch's face. Trevor responded by taking the microphone and singing "Friends in Low Place."
It went on for a long time too.
Lance, unhappy with Trevor's melodic weirdness, hopped out of the ring.
My wife, who just walked in the room, asked why a wrestler was singing badly on TV. I didn't know what to tell her. I felt like I was tripping. For those of you keeping score, WWE began this whole "Murdoch and Cade might split up" angle about a week before Starrcade '84. At least it feels that way.
The announce team completely ignore this bizarre segment and show a clip of Batista-Shawn Michaels at Backlash. The Highlight Reel with Shawn is up next. Me? I'm off to drink some orange juice just in case it turns out that I actually am tripping. Commercial Break. Nikita Koloff in, arguably, the creepiest commercial ever. Katie and Paul Burchill hit the ring. Kate announces that William Regal has made this match a two-on-one match. 4. Paul and Katie Lea Burchill defeated Super Crazy in a two-on-one match Backstage, Todd Grisham tried to interview Randy Orton. Orton gives him a crazy stare and tells him he has no thoughts to share. Great work, Todd. Put this one on the highlight reel. Commercial Break. Oh my God! Remember that announcer guy? The Coronation of King
Lawler -----of Kings -----Kong Mosca -----Sized Mattresses -----Korn Karn William Regal
Seated in the Ring, William Regal, from his throne, addresses the public:
"Firstly let me an end to any speculation, I am not going to relinquish my position of General manager of Raw. I've earned both titles and I intend to keep them. As GM and King, I have now become the most powerful entity in the entire WWE. I will not mince my words, your natural xenophobia and jealousy won't allow you to like me, but you the audience and all the WWE superstars will have no chose but to respect me and rear me! From this day forward, I am your ruler. I am your better. And I am your sup...."
Interruption time!
TIME!
Ken Kennedy Kennedy has arrived and he's got a glare in his stare for our "better." He tells Regal that he'd love to be the first to...congratulate him. However, he just can't do that.
"I got a quiz for you. Who's the best superstar in this company that wasn't even invited to part in the KOR tournament? (JG Note: Jeff Hardy?) Who's the guy who had he been invited, had he been there would have won it? (JG Note: Brock Lesnar?) Who's the guy that would love nothing more than to challenge you one on one to find out who the real king is." Nothing, Jerry? Nothing at all? The answer isn't Lawler. It's Mister You-Know-Who. King GM tells Mr. K to go to hell. You need an appointment, Kendall, to talk to Willie. Now, due to your indiscretion, you own his Lordship and apology.
The final "Kennedy" is cut off by a royal attack. Sir William brawls with the fake McSon until referees show up to pull them apart. Ken gets his lip busted in the fight, but doesn't let it get him down. He stares down the only King of the Ring winner to have peed on a stewardess and watches him leave the ring. Hey! I just noticed that there was no coronation. Just a speech. So it goes. Still to come: The Hunter is the Hunted. Before the next one-on-one match, Santino Marella gives us a rare taste of subtle humor in WWE. 5. Cody Rhodes pinned Santino Marella This match comes on the heels of Cody Rhodes punching Marella in the face. You don't want to mess with Cody. He learned how to fight from his dad. After all, it's the only way he could get any food at dinner as a kid. You either knock the American Dream the hell out or you don't get any fried chicken in that house. This whole tag conflict has been presented well so far. By biding their time, WWE is letting fans actually want to see them in the ring together. As opposed to throwing them all in there against each other every week, they do these singles things and let the conflict simmer. This time around, it was Codedust getting a clean pinfall and putting another notch in his tag team belt. After the official word, he takes a mic and tries to rub salt into Santa's wounds. Mmmmmm....salty wounds. "Hey Santino. It's a me - Cody Rhodes. Hey, Santino, as far as you becoming the tag..." Carlito comes out of nowhere and hits the arrogant youngster with his finishing move. Don't get upset, Rhodesy. That's just Carl's polite way of saying "Shut the f**k up." Chris Jericho is taking the dress code VERY seriously. He's clad in a Mr. Fuji tuxedo and enters the ring, which is decked out in a full Highlight Reel set. This edition of the Highlight Reel is a special "awards special." This first award goes to the best acting of a wrestler. Your nominees are: 1. Magnificent Muraco and Mr. Fuji - Fuji General - A clip airs of Don Muraco and Mr. Fuji from their classic TNT hospital parody. 2. Michael Cole- Deliverance - A clip airs of Cole getting it from behind thanks to John Heidenreich. John discussed this in his - you guessed it - ClubWWI.com shoot interview. (Thanks for the opening, Chris!) 3. Shawn Michaels for pretending to have a knee injury at Backlash - A clip airs of a fat midget eating a hotdog through a garden hose. (JG Note: Duh. I'm kidding. What did you expect the clip to be of?) The winner is... (crossed fingers for Mr. Fuji) ....SHAWN MICHAELS! Shawn hobbles his way to the ring. HBK (His Broken Knee) seems to be bothering the Boy Toy but not as much as Jericho is. Y2J sarcastically hands the award to the Midnight Rocker and asks for a speech. "Look, Chris. I'm hurt." Y2J+8 believes none of that. Fess up, punk. You know what you did, you "backstabbing bastard." You're a phony! A big fat phony! In fact, if it wasn't for this podium, you'd kick Chris in the face with your "bad knee." Come on. Say it. Say "gotcha." Shawn doesn't bite. Instead, he looks at the ground sadly while the Highlight of the Night continues his verbal assault. He gives him kudos, cues his music, and claps. Kid Heartbreak doesn't respond and watches the host leave the squared circle. Then out of nowhere....nothing happens. Lame ending to a segment with potential. Backstage, Triple H is flexing his hand. I guess he figures that might help him somehow. Stay tuned! Santino Marella sets his sight backstage on a hot piece of arse in a skirt. Unfortunately, that arse belongs to Roddy Piper. Yuck. Roddy is bigger than ever and Marella notices. He tells the Hall of Famer that he was once in the Goonies video, but now he just resembles Chunk. He requests that the Hot Rod gives him a "truffle shuffle." All this is fine and good with Piper...until he mispronounces Cyndi Lauper's name. Apparently, that's just too much for Rounded Roddy to take. He slaps the Mario Brother in his testa and sends him scrambling. 6. Triple H vs. Randy Orton had no ending when William Regal ordered the video cut. This was a good main event for the post-Backlash show. It doesn't give away the previous night's PPV headliner for free since the pay show had a Fatal Four way. A loophole? Sure. For the most part, last night's top bout boiled down to Hunter vs. Orton quickly, but technically it wasn't the match. Even better, this is a chance for Randy to play the crazy ex-Champion role and finally chase Hunter the Champion while he's a bad guy. It's everything we hoped 2004 would be, but wasn't. Some other things have changed since '04 too. For starters, Dandy Randy discovered his love of chinlocks. He used 'em here. Helmsley managed to escape it at one point, but it only served to infuriate the Legend Killer. Ort laid into the Champion with kicks to the sternum ala Ronnie Garvin. As the King of Kings laid on the mat in pain, the expressionless former Champ tried to score pin after pin, but to no avail. Frustrated, he beat on the Cerebral Assassin from outside the ring to the inside before returning to his trusty - you guessed it - chinlock. Oh what fun. Jerry Lawler tries to put the move over by comparing Orton to a "boa constrictor." (JG Note: Yeah. A boa constrictor that's obsessed with freakin' chinlocks.) Then, in a moment that appeared to signal the changing of the guard, Mr. RKO did his pushup pose and prepared for his RKO. Gamy pushed him off though. At that point, the tide turned and the third generation star seemed out of luck. Helmsley nailed him with his high knee (JG Note: Not to be confused with his heiney) and tried again for a pin. No such luck. Again, we got a kickout, but the former Champ used the brief break in action to his advantage. He nailed the King of Games with an inverted backbreaker and got another near fall. Buzzcut climbed the buckles and prepared to hit some sort of flying thing. He was caught. HHH ran to the top and nailed him with a Superplex - ironically the same move Cowboy Bob Orton used to finish his opponents off. When Hunt went for the Pedigree, he was reversed into a slingshot. The former Champion bounced off the ropes and tried to hit... Suddenly, we're in the production truck. William Regal is in there. In an act meant to punish the fans for their disrepsect, Willie orders them to cut the video feed and finish the show without airing the match's ending. After all, the people "don't deserve to see the end of the match." All in all...Up until the end, this was actually a pretty good show. It was also a very strange show. But, still, pretty good too. Before we talk about the good or weird, let's talk about the terrible ending. I get the thought process. Get heat on William Regal for cutting the main event short. However, punishing your audience - even for storyline purposes is never a good idea. In fact, I was ready to give this show a ringing endorsement until that happened. The reason it happened is easy to figure out, but it's hard to imagine that they came up with this idea and allowed it to close out the show without someone saying, "Uh, excuse me? This is going to be a really bad idea." I can't think of a better way to ensure that any casual viewers tuning in this week won't come back again next week than to cut the end of a nearly 30 minute match for no reason at all. You can try to explain to them that it's a way to get them to dislike William Regal more, but you have to find them in order to do that. If a show that I watched casually did that to me, I wouldn't tune in the next week. It was just a bad move - plain and simple, no matter the reasoning. The Trevor Murodch thing was strange. Like Mae Young birthing a hand strange. I can't imagine what went into putting that segment on paper. Sometimes I think that members of the creative team, in an effort to get fired, make ridiculous suggestions...only to see them approved. That's gotta be how the whole Garth Brooks karaoke thing came about. Seems like a safer route for a script writer to go when trying to lose their job than making a slur at Mark Henry, don't you think? The Chris Jericho-Shawn Michaels feud is playing out well. I think tonight was a bit of a throwaway in that respect, simply due to the hype they gave the Highlight Reel. While I agree that there was nothing wrong with tonight's segment, it seems like they handed their audience a disappointment. They pushed the Highlight Reel from the moment Raw began. You're supposed to hype big moments - not quick confrontations with flat endings. William Regal and Ken Kennedy could give use something to watch. I just hope it doesn't end with a Mr. Kennedy swerve that sees some gullible fan favorite fall victim to his fake babyface turn (JG Note: Like Sting at a Horsemen Reunion). Then again, I can't picture how Ken will play out as a good guy in the long run. Guess we'll have to wait and see. WWE needs to feature John Cena more. He's been on TV rarely, but not in a way that makes you miss him. He's still mentioned in promos and involved in conflicts, so it's not like his next appearance will be seen as a return. Instead, he just seems absent. Do a pretaped promo or skit. Why not? Don't cost nothing. Hell, they could have filmed a backstage Cena skit last night to air tonight. That's it. I'm actually pretty upset that I ended up having to give this show a negative review. If they had just finished up the main event, the night would have been fine. It's like running a race and then, with three steps until the finish line, deciding to take a nap. It's just mindblowing. See you on Wednesday with a brand new ClubWWI.com uncut shoot. Be well and thanks for sharing my Insanity. Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com : Aaron
Aguliera Christian
Cage Jackie
Gayda B.G.
James Bruno
"Harvey Wippleman" Lauer One
Man Gang Diamond
Dallas Page Sylvester
Terkay Koko
B. Ware Need More Insanity? Join The Club
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| All content contained here Copyright 2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
