ClubWWI.com Members,

Two New Shoots!

At Judgment Day, Edge defeated Jeff Hardy.   In a related story, Kris Allen defeated Adam Lambert.

Smackdown Theme Plays.   They tell me I'm "going down."   Not sure what they're getting at, but I'm just here to watch wrestling, fellas.

Welcome everyone to WWE Smackdown from Cincinatti, Ohio.   Just like JBL with a bar of soap in the shower, Judgment Day is behind us.   What did the event bring?   A new champion?   New storylines?   Cookies?   Well you better stick around and find out.   You don't want to miss cookies, do you?   Jim Ross made them himself.   He slaved all day, you ungrateful punks.   Don't want 'em?   Fine.   Todd Grisham will eat them.   Now let's get this party started with our own personal mix of Quagmire and Dr. Teeth from The Muppet Show…

Please take a seat, Mr. Copeland.   I believe I helped you when you placed your order here at Lens Crafters.

You think you know me?

Yes.   Here.   Try on your new pair.   I know the pair we gave you yesterday was a bit fuzzy.

On this day…I see clearly.   Everything has come to life.

Terrific.   That'll be $200.

The World Champion Edge walks to the ring in his grungy shirt.   The announcers talk about the controversy of his recent World Title victory thanks to help from the guy who wanted him to die in a car accident, Matt Hardy.   Edgar R. Superstar struts to center-ring and speaks…

"If there as ever any doubt as to who the face of Smackdown is, please, please, let's end the debates now.   I don't want to hear any other superstars coming out and declaring themselves the face of this show."
- Edge

Cue Jimmy Wang Yang.

Really?

Nah.   I'm kidding.

The Rated R Superstar talks about the past and how despite the odds at Judgment Day, he's still the face of the Smackdown brand.   Chris Jericho lost to Rey Mysterio and CM Punk lost to Umaga,   but Edgy "embarrassed and defeated Jeff Hardy."  (JG Note:   Not really following the logic here.   By that thinking, Umaga and Rey can lay claim to being the face of Smackdown.   And that's not even considering Jimmy Wang Yang's claim.)

Adam goes on to say that he's WWE premiere superstar.   Despite the fans chanting "Hardy" at him, he still speaks.   Rather than pretending to not know which Hardy they're chanting for, The E Man goes into a tirade on Jeff Hardy.   The fans believe in him.   They applaud him.   That's for good reason.   He's just like everyone in the crowd tonight – a loser.

Hey playa.   I really like this tablecloth.   Think you can turn it into a coat for me?   Holla!

Teddy Long thugs and bugs his way to the ring and he's got his George Jefferson swagga going on, so we know it's go-time.   The Mack Militant has apparently heard enough according to Todd Grisham and he has something he needs to say.   He agrees with Edge that the referee's decision at Judgment Day is final, but he can't deny Matt Hardy's interference was short of legal.   Because of this, he books a rematch between the reigning champion and young Jeffery at "Extreme Rules."   Whatever the hell that is.

Copeland says that this is all just another excuse for The Rainbow Headed Burnout.   All day he hears excuses.   Jeff got hit in the head with a cast.   My back hurts.   My feet hurt.   I'M ONLY FOUR!   While the Hardy Boy might be welcome to five pounds of veal, a rematch is out of the question.   He doesn't deserve it.   Cry me a river, pal.   Niagara Falls, Jeffy-Angel.

Edge says that his win was not because of Matt, but because of determination and an endless supply of maneuvers.   He don't owe J.H. a damn thing.   Know why?   Because he's a failure.

And, as we all know, when a wrestler in the ring calls you a failure, that's your cue.  

Jeff Hardy predictably comes out to respond to these somewhat true comments.   Going au' natural with his face, Hardy arrives, but stops at the middle of the ramp.

"Edge, you're right.   I'm loser.   I'm a failure.   I'm a screw-up.    A letdown.   I'm pathetic.   I'm somewhat reckless at times, but you know what?   Above and beyond all of that, deep down, Jeff Hardy is a competitor."
- Jeff Hardy

There are about 1000 things that Hardy could have said there that would have gotten a bigger pop than that.   What type of bragging point is it to say, "Yeah.   I really suck, but deep down inside, I kinda don't suck."   It's like saying, "Yeah.   I'm fat, but deep inside me is a skinny guy."   It amazes me that they pay a staff of people to write things like that.  

One thing that the pathetic, failing, loser of a letdown knows for sure is that all the matches at Extreme Rules are "Extreme."   He figured that out from the name.   So if that's the case, let's do this.   Tonight, Edge vs. Jeff Hardy.   The winner decides the stipulation.   How's that sound?

It sounds like crap to Edgar, but Jeffy Boy ain't budging.   Teddy Long said that Smackdown belonged to the "WWE Universe."   With that, he goes one by one through fans in the crowd and asks if they want to see him fight Edge tonight.   They all respond by shouting, "YEAH!" into the microphone.   Surprisingly, no one screams, "F**ksticks!   Douche!   C**k!"   I know I would have.

Given that the Universitarians are so up for this, Long has no choice but to give it his Peanuthead Stamp of Approval.   Tonight, it's the World Champion vs. the deep down inside man.   Now holla!

Commercial Break. WWE is sponsored by Verizon Wireless.   I have Verizon Wireless.   They're my cell phone carrier.   I guess that means I sort of own WWE now.

Tonight:   Jeff Hardy vs. Edge.   Winner picks the stipulation for "Extreme Rules."   Ross calls Hardy, "The Unique Enigma."   I guess in addition to being pathetic, a failure, a letdown, a loser, and a screw-up, he's also no longer charismatic.  

1. John Morrison, Shad, and JTG defeated Ricky Ortiz, Shelton Benjamin, and Charlie Haas when Morrison pinned Haas.

Ricky Ortiz is the result of a long love affair between Carlito Colon and Sika.   You'd think he'd have some of those wrestling genes passed down.    Yeah.   Not a big fan.   Un a statement that blew my mind, JR said that "on paper" John Morrison and Cryme Tyme appear to mesh better than the Benji, Charlie, Carlika Team.   What paper is that?   Toilet paper?   How can John Morrison, JTG, and Shad seem to mesh?   They only similar thing they have going for them is that they're all mammals.   Other than that, I don't see it.   Maybe Ross knows something I don't know.   Maybe Charlie is a giant spider hiding in a human body (JG Note:   Like MC Pee Pants.)    I'm not into the John Morrison face turn either.   I get that it's being done to eventually have him in with The Miz at some point, but he just doesn't strike me as a babyface.   At least they're pushing him as a "natural athlete."   If they're going to turn him, doing this feud with Shelton helps both guys.   It reminds people that although they don't win much, they're good wrestlers.   That's a rarity and a good move on the company's part.    To Crymie's credit, they've been working on some new stuff and showcased it in the match.   Charlie Haas is another person who's benefiting right now.   He's meant to be in the World's Greatest Tag Team instead of doing his Rich Little gimmick. Ross even points that out during the match.   Chuck's a great performer.   Not everyone has to make you chuckle.   Some guys just need to entertain you with wrestling.   As things came to a close, Johnny M backflipped out of a Haas German Suplex.   He followed up with a Hot Shot and a twisting split legged moonsault for the pinfall.   Once again defying what you might think "on paper," it was a pretty good match.   Someone better look into that paper.   I think it's defective.

Backstage, Josh Matthews is standing by with WWE Women's Champion Melina.    He asks about the number one contender match tonight between Michele McCool and Gail Kim.   Lina doesn't fear these two women.   She's the most dominant female in WWE and no one is going to stand in her way.   That's when Alicia Fox walks in.   She calls Mel "cupcake" and delivers a message from Ms. McCool.    The women's title will soon be hers.   The Champ responds with two messages of her own.   The first is that she shouldn't send a girl to do a woman's job.   The second is…SLAP!   Alicia reels from the hit and Melly Mel glares at her with squinty eyes.

Commercial Break.  UFC's video game is pretty awesome.   I'm pretty sure it could beat up WWE's video games too.   Just to be sure, I keep them in different rooms.

Did You Know?   Smackdown has been watched over 2.6 billion times since its debut in the U.S.   They don't say how many people that includes.   Something tells me there's one really strange guy out there with a worn out Tivo remote and a crush on The Undertaker.

Clips of the feud between WWE and The Denver Nuggets.   TNA is jumping on this bandwagon as they've invited all the Nuggets to their show in Denver and offered discounts to WWE ticketholders.   Of course they did.   I feel like if Vince McMahon were to accidentally sneeze during a promo, TNA would create a character called "Mr. McSneezy" and have him do that funny walk Vince does at the start of every show.

…on a side note, WWE is doing a match between Vinnie Mac and a Stan Kroenke impersonator on Raw.   Why?   Because those things always go so well.   People really seem to enjoy it.   Yes.   Of course they do.   Now take the purple pill and lay down.

2. Michelle McCool pinned Gail Kim to become the #1 Contender to the WWE Women's Title.

Say what you want, but World Wrestling Entertainment has really focused on divas these past few years.   Forever, we were all complaining about the women's division, so it's good to see them put focus on it.   When I was a kid, there were two divas a year (except 1988 when the Glamour Girls and Jumping Bomb Angels made four.)   On top of that, they might all be half naked and coated in latex, but it's not the gratuitous sex show it was a few years back.   Both these women are good athletes too, which helps the cause.   In the end, it was Alicia Fox who made the difference.   Kimberly Gail found herself battling two opponents while perched on the top rope.   That's all Michelle ma Belle needed .   She hit a Faithbreaker and became the #1 contender.   I like her bangs.

After the break, Jim Ross puts Rey Mysterio on his knee and tells him a story about wolves, pigs, barbeque sauce, and Dr. Death Steve Williams. They call it an "interview," but we know better. Stay tuned.

Commercial Break.   If it's My Network TV, shouldn't they call it "Your Network TV" during their commercials?   I mean, who's is it – me or the ad people at channel nine?   I hope it's mine.   I always wanted my own network.   Mr. Belvedere marathons, baby!

When we return, Todd Grisham and Jim Ross introduce Rey Mysterio.   Although both Todd and Jim are sitting at the announce table while Mysterio does his yakity-yak via satellite, only J.R. is considered the interviewer.   Jimmy Jam asks the I.C. Champ his thoughts about beating Chris Jericho and retaining the gold.   Li'l Rey Rey says that Y2J may be able to run around the ring, but he also runs his mouth.   Just to prove him wrong, Raymond used the one move that Jericho vowed to get rid of – "The 6 – 1 - 9."   In case you don't hear him, he has all the fans in the arena chant his area code along with him.  After we finish learning our numbers, the Booyaka Man continues his rigidly scripted promo and gives a shout-out to fellow Latino IC Champions Eddie Guerrero, Tito Santana, Pedro Morales, and Charro.   He hopes to honor them all one day by being considered one of the greatest Intercontinental Champions of all time.   That's when J.R. proves why he's the interviewer here.   He asks the luchador why he wears a mask in the ring.   Rather than bore us with Mexican culture or the fact that he lost it in WCW, the Champ simply smirks and says we wouldn't want to see him without it because he's not a good looking dude.   Psyche!   He was kidding.   He knows he's a hottie.   It's the whole Mexican heritage thing.   Ha!   It means a lot to him. He had to earn it and stuff.

"Every time I step into this ring, I wear this mask with great pride and honor.   And I will never take it off in competition because being unmasked for a luchador is the biggest, biggest dishonor….But above all that, without this mask, I am not Rey Mysterio."

-           Rey Mysterio

That's it.   He's losing the mask.

Hi.   I'd like to return this sparkly vest and studded belt.   I don't have a receipt.   Is that a problem?   It's okay if I can only get store credit.   I wanted to pick out a nice suit anyway.

3. C.M. Punk defeated Chris Jericho via Disqualification

You think CM Punk uses that Money in the Bank briefcase to carry his toiletries and junk on the road?   I mean, he has to carry it anyway.   Why not use it for what it was made for?   I bet he's got top secret liquor in it.    These two have a good chemistry together and represent the same thing from different decades.   The hype that Jericho had coming in to WWE was up there with what Punk had.   They both owe a lot to the Internet and the die-hard fans.   Plus, with Y2J's new persona, he's more in sync with Charlie Minn Punk nowadays.   The other good thing about this match was that WWE created it during an edition of "WWE Superstars."   Know what that means?   I need a WWE Superstars reviewer – that's what.   I keep forgetting that show is on again.   They gave both these guys a lot of time to do their thing too.   It allowed this match to slowly build and work with the fans.   Towards the end, they hit a great series of moves that started off really sloppily.   Chris slid out of a GTS setup and bounced off the ropes.   Punk sort of stood there hunched over for no reason.   Then he looked over his shoulder and stared at Jericho bouncing back to him.   It was almost slow motion.   That aside, they then went into a great set of spots featuring reversals and near falls that finally culminated with King Bling Bling locking in his Walls of Jericho.   Charlie Minn doesn't tap out.   Instead, he powers to the ropes and, after some more back and forth, hits the Go To Sleep.   Fozzy rolls out of the ring and someone shows up to ruin the whole thing.

What?   No.   Not Triple H.   You always guess him.

Umaga.   That's who.   Funny enough, when Mr. Moneybags was locked in the Walls, I thought, "He's not tapping."   Then I thought, "Wait.   If I know he's not tapping then it's because I know this match won't end with a real ending."   Then we got the Umaga DQ attack.   It was like ruining the ending to a movie for myself.

Maga ain't here alone either.   He has a strap.   It's a leather strap.   It's the type of leather strap that would make you think these two are having a leather strap match at a hardcore PPV if there was one coming up.   He beats Punky brutally and then – oh God – takes the microphone…

"You think – huff, puff - you're hurt now? – huff, puff - Wait till – huff, puff -  Extreme Rules.   Because –  huff, puff - I'm issuing you a challenge.  It will be a Samoan Strap match!"
- Umaga

Umaga should never ever talk.   Kamala didn't say a damn thing.   He went bowling.   That was ok.   But no speaking.   Come on, man!   He's F'n Umaga!   Where did he learn English?!   Rosetta Stone?!   THEY DON'T HAVE ROSETTA STONE IN THE JUNGLE!

Also, he was breathing really heavy.   I think it's part of his character's speaking style, but it sounded like that kid on Malcolm in the Middle with the asthma.  

This Monday Night on Raw:   Vince McMahon calls out Stan Kroenke.   Sometimes I think WWE does things like this just so you have to face your non-wrestling fan friends in the morning who caught it while channel surfing.

Commercial Break.   This weekend, MyNetwork TV is playing "A Life Less Ordinary."   It doesn't look like something I'd watch.   When I get to My Network Office tomorrow, you better believe heads are gonna roll!

4. Dolph Ziggler pinned R-Truth after a Jumping Russian Neckbreaker

Dolph Ziggler is Late WCW Mike Enos.   It's like that's the idea.   They look the same. They dress the same.   Hell, they even have that same weird upper lowcard status.   One thing about R-Truth that stands out is how natural this whole gimmick is for him.   He's a rapper who has a rich background in the rap business.   Having him take 20 minutes to get to the ring while rapping works while it would fail for 100 other guys.   That's why giving a guy a character based on himself rather than a character based on Mike Enos is easier to sell.    Guess what, Enos Lovers.   When you're upper lowcard and find yourself in a feud, like Ziggy has with The Great Khali, you get wins now and again.   After a jumping Russian Neckbreaker, this thing was put to bed.   The Truth hurts and D.Z. picks up a pin.   What's up?   Your feet, buddy.   1, 2, 3.

Wins when you're Mike Enos don't come cheap.   You get stalked after the bell by Great Khali.   Incensed by Dolly's recent steel chair attack, Khali went after him.   Luckily for Ziggler, Jason Voorhees could outrun The Great One.   The Giant is left without retribution and Blake Beverly lives to fight another day.

Commercial Break.   If you don't get the Optimum Online reggaeton commercial, you're both lucky and not lucky all at the same time.   I can't tell if I love it or hate it.   It's infectious – like love…or the swine flu.

Next Week on Smackdown: Eve vs. Leyla.   Don't miss it.   Oh.   Who you kidding?   You're gonna miss it.

Edge just got an Extreme Triple H Makeover because his hair is sopping wet as he lays into Teddy Long backstage.   He puts the destruction of Jeff Hardy tonight on Long's head and turns to leave.   That's when he runs into Chris Jericho.   Although Jericho is cordial, Edgar isn't.   He shoots some daggers in his direction and jaunts off.   This leaves…

Chris Jericho and Teddy Long.   Teddy shows that he's not good at starting conversations because he asks what Chris is here to complain about.   Well ha-ha, GM, but that answer is nuttin'.   A whole lotta nuttin'.   In fact, Y2J is here for a request.   He heard that stupid Rey Mysterio Mask Man promo earlier and thinks it's a farce.   That Mini-Mascaras is a coward – plain and simple.   The Mack Militant needs to hear no more, playa.   In fact, that match is already set.   Oh, and it's going to be No Holds Barred.   You know, like the movie starring Zeus.

5. Jeff Hardy pinned Edge after a Swanton Bomb

They played this one up great.   Edge was vicious and Hardy was vulnerable.   Although I wasn't entirely sure what was going on here.   The R Rated Superstar hadn't beaten him too badly, but it looked like he had.   Jeff had balance issues and for some reason was out of it.   I couldn't tell if I was supposed to think he was high or just woozy from all the high risk moves.   Equilibrium be damned, Jeffery still managed to hit some top rope moves.   He flew the off the top.   He bounced off the ropes.   He took off his t-shirt in one try (Lex Luger Note:   I don't knooooow!)    So I guess he was alright.   By the end of the bout, the entire stoned risk-taker thing was done.   Hardy was fighting like a champ and hitting everything in his arsenal.    First a Twist of Fate…then a Swanton Bomb.   Three taps of the mat later and we're done.   Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Following the official word, Todd Grisham went into the ring and asked the winner what match we can all expect to find streaming for free online somewhere at Extreme Rules.   Hardy said that he won't be "cleaning gutters or painting," but he will be "climbing a ladder to become the World Heavyweight Champion."   The segment ends as the two men eye one another.   Jim Ross calls it a "Decade of Irony."   Ten years after they lit up the industry with their first one, these two are doing it again.  

Triple H stands tall as we fade to bl…

Oh.   Sorry.   Force of habit.   Jeff Hardy balances on the second rope as we fade to black.

All in all… Not a bad show.   There were a number of good matches and future prospects, but some other moments made up for them.

You have Jeff Hardy and Edge in what can only mean some sort of involvement from Matt and Christian.   If that doesn't get you excited, nothing will.   These four guys changed the business with that Terri Invitiational.   Any combination of them with a ladder involved should make you cheer.   It's going to be good.

What's not good?   Umaga talking.   What the frig?   He was a Samoan Bulldozer yesterday.   Now he needs an inhaler.   It's not like they're keeping any monsters as monsters anymore.   Khali is joke.   Maga has asthma.   A part of me thinks that if Andre the Giant were alive today, WWE would have him be a pimp.   He'd be Andre the Pimp Giant and he'd have midget hos.   Mark my words.   You could picture it, right?   Yeah.   That's exactly what they'd do.

Rey Mysterio's mask is in jeapordy again.   I'm not one to get hung up on him losing it in WCW.   What's  happened has happened, Faraday.   Rey Rey and Jericho in a battle for his lucha respect will be something to see.   When you add that to the Edge-Hardy deal and even Shelton Benjamin vs. John Morrison, suddenly this company seems like it's in pretty solid shape.

That does it for me.   My daughter turns one tomorrow, which is mind-blowing.   It seems like just a year ago since I announced…wait.   That was a year ago.   But we'll still have plenty of stuff going on.   R.D. Lee is Real Timing Sacrifice on Sunday and he'll have a column up.   Plus, James Bullock, Jamie Kennedy, Aaron Wood, and many more.

Be Well!   Thanks for sharing my Insanity.