ECW Theme Plays.   The gist of it is that the singer is "still standing here."   Good for him.

Ladies and gentlemen!   Welcome to Velocity with Tommy Dreamer or, as we call it…ECW!   We have some major matches booked for the night.   First, it's the Big Red Machine Kane vs. Miz and Morrison.   Then, it's CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero.   Sound good?   Well tough cookies, pitstain.   That's the layout.   So deal with it.   At least Mike Adamle, seated next to the Tazz, is here with some interesting tidbits throughout the night.   Let's start with the first contestant this evening.   Big Show, get your Dungeon of Doom butt out here!

1. Big Show pinned Tommy Dreamer after a Chokeslam

Mike Adamle compares Tommy Dreamer to a football player who can get you the extra yard.   I like to think of him more like the football player who can get his ass kicked by all the other football players on TV.   He also likes to make friends with smaller football players so he can catch their residual beatings.   Tazz pushes Sunday's Singapore Cane match at One Night Stand by saying that each guy will get a cane.   For some reason, it just sounds awful.   I picture five guys standing there just swinging big hollow sticks at each other. For Dreamer, it can only be better than tonight.   He ate a chokeslam and fell to the three count.   I guess he caught suckiness from Colin Delaney.   Must have used the same toilet seat or something.

Recap of Big Show's ECW Title win last July 4^th.    He beat some guy I don't remember with help from some other guy I don't remember while Tazz called the action with what's-his-face.

Commercial Break.   Optimum Online's slogan is "It's Optimum or it's not."   I kid you not.   That's their slogan.  Someone was paid to come up with that.   How is that a selling point?   Everything is either something or it's not.   You can apply that to anything.   "It's either orange soda or it's not."   See?

Back at the announce table, Mike Adamle welcomes me back to the ECW.   He's sitting with Tazz and Shelton Benjamin.   We rewatch Benji's win over Coffee Kegstand last week.   All hail King Booker, mon.

2. Kofi Kingston pinned Mike Knox after an elbow to the face.

Mike Knox looks like Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Gene Snitsky had a baby.   As for Kofi, he looks like a monkeyman…according to Shelton at ringside.   Don't blame me for that one.   The idea here is that with his first loss now on the books, Kingston has to rebound.   Shelly said he couldn't.     In the end, though, he did.   He managed to  bust Knox's eye open in the process too.   Also, on a side note, Adamle repeated, "Jamaican me crazy" about a million times during this match.   Good one, Mike.   I have my own line like that.   I'd say, "Jamaican too much money for this announcing gig."

After the bell, Shelton attacked and kicked the resin out of ol' Jerk Chicken.   Mike "Not My Box" Knox jumped in too.   Sadly for him, the winner ended up down and out as we rolled into a commercial.  

Recap of C.M. Punk's ECW Title win on September 4^th of last year.   Until I saw this clip, I thought that was a dream.

Commercial Break.   Long John Silver is offering a monster fish platter.   For those who don't know, "monster" is a nautical term for "rotten."

 Recap of Chavo Guerrero's ECW Title win on January 22 of this year.    Vince McMahon celebrated by peeing on the ECW Arena.

3.   Chavo Guerrero pinned C.M. Punk with a handful of tights.

As the match starts, the camera shoots to the table and catches Mike Adamle reading his lines.   He quickly starts to ad-lib and tells his broadcast partner that he wasn't mistaken last week when said that Tazz had been in a Singapore Cane match.   He was.   Although. ..it was with his wife!   AH!   Snap!   Snap!   Sn…uh.    Wait.  I don't get it.   I guess he's saying that Tazz's penis is like a Singapore cane, maybe?   If that's the case…then I still don’t get it.   Oh well.  Creepy stuff.    Bam Neely played a role in this one as he came to Chavo's aid on a number of occasions.   I'm not really into Bam, to be honest.   He seems more generic than the usual brutish bodyguard (which is saying a lot.)   There isn't much to him besides his silly name.   I'll say this about the match, though – it was good.   It usually is when Guerrero and Punk face off.   While the fast push of Chavito seemed forced at best, it still made for some good matches.   At the end of the day, no one can question Chav's ability.   He also has that Guerrero style that gets the crowd popping at each turn.   For example, he hit some rolling suplexes and it made you take notice.  While he was on top thanks to them, C.G. found himself reversed at the last minute.   That became a theme for the next few moves as each guy would slip out of the other's offense.   In the end, it was C.M. who made the fatal miss.   After running in for a flying turnbuckle knee, Punker found himself rolled up and cheated out of a three count.   Uno.  Dos.  Tres.  Go chug a Pepsi and forget your troubles kid.

Recap of Tommy Dreamer's ECW Title win on January 22, 1943.

Commercial Break.    Now seems like a good time to plug…."World Wrestling Insanity Presents: Shoot First . . . Ask Questions Later"    Yup.   My second book is up for pre-order right now on Amazon.com.   You can order it now for less than $14 and be sure to get it as soon as it drops (as the kids say.)  

Last night on Raw, Vince McMahon promised to do something that has never happened on TV before.   He delivered.   I can't remember another show that ever paid its audience to watch.

Backstage, a confused woman is interviewing Colin Delaney.   His thoughts on Mr. McMoneybag's announcement?   It'll mean a lot for whoever wins the "millions."   (JG Note:   It's actually the "sum of one million."   I guess they'll try to sneak a plural at the end now and then to make it seem like more and hope that no one catches it.)   Delaney then comments on the draft.   He hopes that Armando Estrada leaves while he stays on Sci-Fi.  According to Delaney, ECW is the only brand for him.   Because, you know, he sucks.

Recap of Jon Morrison's ECW Title win at the "Night of Champions."   He holds the distinction of being the first ECW Champion to wear women's coats in public on a regular basis.

4. Kane defeated Miz and John Morrison via disqualification 

This was a weird main event.   I like Kane.   I like Miz and Morrison.   Yet, I hated the idea of this as the main event.   It seemed somewhat pointless considering that Kane-o has already had tag matches against M and M.   Now he goes solo and that's how they sell the whole hour?   Weird.   I'm also not a huge handicap match fan.   (JG Note:   Although I am a huge handi-snacks fan.   Something about those little red sticks and fake cheese that makes the crackers taste better.)   The ECW Champion seemed to have the tag champs in his grasp for a double chokeslam, but it didn't get him the win.   Instead, it got him a beating.   The tag champions opened up and the ref…called for the bell.   Yeah.  Outta nowhere - ding, ding, ding.  It was one of the laziest booked finishes I've seen in a while.   They might as well have just had the ref turn to the camera and say, "We're kinda outta time, kids.  Thanks for watching."

After the weird finish, CM Punk ran out and got into the fight.   He was followed by Chavo…who was followed by Big Show.   From there, we were treated to a slow-motion battle until Kane and Show ended up in the ring with each other.   Luckily for Biggie, May 19^th is over so the Big Red Machine didn't try to eat his eye this time around.   Nothing happens as we fade to black.