Marriot Hotel Room 419…Monday Morning…

Cody Rhodes:  Yo, you remember when you fought Jake the Snake at WrestleMania?

Ted DiBiase:   Cody.   Last time.   I’m Ted Dibiase Jr, the son of Ted DiBiase.   I’m not my dad travelling ahead in time.

Cody:   Oh.   (long pause)   Do they have flying cars where you come from?

Ted:   Again. Not time travelling.   In fact, if I was travelling from the past, why the hell would you be asking me about the future?

Cody:  (wide eyed)   You’re from the future?

Ted:   Dude, what the f…(looking up) Randy! Oh thank God you’re finally here.   We missed you at breakfast.

Randy Orton:   (stoic) I got up early and had some.  

Cody:   Yeah.   You ate all the bacon.

Randy:   (cold glare)   I enjoy bacon.

Cody:   It’s ok, man.   That’s fine.  

Ted:   One time when I was a kid, my dad threw everyone out of a Denny’s.   He told the staff we were filming a WWF video with hidden cameras.   I ate a TON of bacon!   Yeah!   Bacon, baby!

Ted puts up his hand for a high five.   Randy ignores it.

Randy:   You guys ready to sing?

Cody:   Sing?

Randy:   Yeah.   Take these sheets of paper and follow along.

Ted:   Who are we singing to?   There’s no one here but us.

Randy:   I hear voices in my head.   They council me.   They understand.   They talk to me.   And they tell me to write songs about myself and sing them.   Now get in position!  

-

Randy: I remember Hunter’s wife
RKOing her was nice,
Beating up her man,
a boot to the noggin', cryin' Monday night,
the night goes into…

Tuesday just another day;
happy divas pass my way.
Looking in their hair,
I see a mixed drink, They never realized
how thirsty they make me.

Cody and Ted: Oh Randy well,
you stopped Triple H’s big break-in,
The cops sent him away.
Oh, Randy well,
you kicked Vince and caved half his face in,
He's brain-damaged today. Oh, Randy!

Randy: Really the World Champ this time;
Five years ago, that belt was mine.
Defeated Chris Benoit, I won and I shouted
But now since he went nuts
No one’s talking about it.

Ted: Oh Randy…wait, what was that?

Randy: JUST SING!

Ted: Oh Randy well,
You use Prell and it stops all the flakin’
but you’ve got no hair anyway.

-
Cody: Oh, Randy well,
we’ll come to your house and do rakin’
and we don’t want no pay
Oh Randy well…

Dude, screw you.   I’m not raking your leaves.

Randy: You have to!   You said it in song!

Ted: One time my dad threw everyone out of a Home Depot and we got free rakes…

Randy: Shut up!   I’m out of here.   My voices want me to go get me some bacon.   

Raw Theme Plays.

Hola, Muchachos!   Monday Night Raw is War and we're ready to challenge and spotlight some superstars here on the Mania of Prime Time Wrestling.   Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are your humble hosts and boy did you pick an insane show to tune in to.   WWE World Champion and resident crooner, Randy Orton, squares off against Shane "Suspend Your Disbelief, God Damnit" McMahon.  It starts...now!

1. Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton was a No Contest

I get the idea of having Randy and Shane feud.   It's a natural spot for McMahon, since his whole family keeps getting kicked in the head.   You'd figure he'd want revenge.   But why does he have to do it?  Whatever happened to the days of McMahons getting guys like Big Show and Kane to do their nasty work?   It makes no sense.   He's rich.  Pay someone.  When Shane-o was ten years younger, he hid behind big stars.   Now that he's older, he does it himself…and kicks ass doing it.   That's what he did here.   Little Mac went all Mike Tyson's Punch Out on the Manilow-luvin' champion.   The two ended up all the way up the ramp and into the crowd.   They continued to trade punches as they made their way to the stairs and guys in caps giving thumbs up to the camera and screaming, "YEAHHHHH!!!!!!"   By the time they made it back to the barricade, Ort went over and Mac propelled himself off.   Landing a clothesline, the McSon placed the Legend Killer on the announce table and prepared to drop the big Elbow.   That is, until Legacy showed up.

Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes opened up a can of Million Dollar Rhodes Ass on the Gamy Brother-in-Law and seemed to have the match decided.   When MVP ran out to make the somewhat predictable save, it didn't even change things.   The group whipped them all soundly and sent them to…

…Hold on.   Let's not start celebrating just yet.   Batista runs out, cleans house, and cues the GM with an idea to make sense of the nonsense. Boos follow.  General Manager Vicki arrives.

"I am Vicki Guerrero, General Manager of Raw.   And my main event will not be jeopardized.   Later on tonight, Shane McMahon will face Randy Orton and since everybody wants to get involved.   I say let's make this legal."
- Vicki Guerrero

Here's the deal, folks.   Tonight we'll have…

Dapper Dave Batista vs. Time Travellin' Ted DiBiase

"The View Pimp" MVP vs. Toady Cody Rhodes

The winners will get to join their guy in the Orton-McMahon match.   You get it?   No?   Come on.   Don't be dense.   Vicki can't dumb it down much more.

"It's simple, gentlemen.   You win and you're in."
- Vicki Guerrero

Meh.   I guess it gives the show a theme, but it's nothing I'm jumping up and down about.  

Commercial Break.

Matt Hardy messed up his hand.   It's all wrapped up.   The Sensei of Mattitude nurses his Iron Mike Sharpesque injury as he heads to the ring to square off against that Jamafrican guy with the catchy entry theme.  

Before the match begins, Matt takes the microphone and claims he's fighting this bout under protest.   WWE is making him wrestle against his will.   Even though he's injured, they're forcing him in the ring - sending countless critics to their laptops to overanalyze how this classic heel move is somehow a tongue-in-cheek wellness program dig.

2. Kofi Kingston pinned Matt Hardy after the Trouble in Paradise

I don't get Matt Hardy at all.   Not a bit.   I'm not sure what he can do to really spark, but this isn't really it.   He's just a generic heel.   There's nothing bad about him other than that I know he wrestles good guys.   There's nothing overly sinister about him.   If anything, he's just sorta goofy.   There are many possibilities for him, but making him a generic 1986-style heel, complete with gimmicked injury, isn't one.   Pretty non-descript back and forth that culminated with the Kingston kick to the head and a one, two, three.   Lawler said the match didn't count because it was done under protest.
-
Following the official word, Matty had to live up to his 1986-style heel persona by slamming the grinning winner upside the head with his Cowboy Bob cast.   Double K hits the mat and the Matt hits the road.

Tonight:   Randy Orton vs. Shane McMahon and two other guys.   You win.   You're in.   You lose.   You, uh…choose.  To, uh, go home or something?   Yeah.   That works.

-

Santino Marella is backstage with Kelly Kelly.   He expresses how happy he is that his "twin sister" will be teaming with Kelly on Superstars.   After telling a Swine Flu joke about Vicki Guerrero being a pig, Sanny explains that his sister isn't here tonight because of being breathed on by her.   He does it all very over-exaggerated, as he's been lately.   Just as I'm about to give up on SanMar and his childlike comedy delivery, he makes me laugh out loud for the first time in a while.

Chavo Guerrero walks in and Marella says, "Ooooo Chavo!"   Then he does the theme music.   It was hilarious.   Chavito wasn't happy with what he heard and asked the arrogant Italian if he was talking smack about his auntie Vicki.

"Your aunt?   You two aren't even related.   But if I'm not mistaken, you're older than her."
- Santino Marella

This makes Kerwin White even more upset.   He lays down the law on the Miracle of Milan.   You best watch yourself, pally.   This show is run by Miss Vicki and she can make your life hell.   You got that?!   Santa replies that he does, and gives C.G. a message for his aunt.

The message:   Crazy pig noises.  

Funny stuff.   Best I've seen out of Santino in a while.

At Backlash:   Big Show threw John Cena into a light thing.   Last week, John Cena came back…with super Light powers.   He now can fight crime, fly, and pick Keno numbers.

Big Show is p-i-issed about all this.   Biggie marches into Swine Flu Vicki's office and demands a match against John Cena.   After explaining that J.C. is out of action, Guerrero offers him a chance to get even when the Mariney Doctor of Thuganomics gets back into action at Judgment Day. 

The Bella Twins love the View.   And, since they're groupies, they love MVP because the View loves him.   They both bounce up to him backstage ask him out a date because, as I mentioned, they're groupies.   Mr. VP expresses interest, bids them a fond adieu, and heads to the ring.

Commercial Break.

-
Ring, Ring...

Hello.   This is Barbara Walters.

Mom.   It's me.   Listen, you better get me on the View or I'm going public.

Montel, please.   It's not the wight time.

Don't give me that.   If you don't get me on the View, I'm telling everything…including who my dad is.

Stop.   Fine.   Fine.   I'll see what I can do.   I can't believe you'd do that to your father.   How could you want to tarnish the public perception of Sinbad like that?

Just make it happen.   I'm out.

Click.

3. Cody Rhodes defeated M.V.P. via countout.

William Regal sits in on commentary for this one and he's an unhappy Brit.   Sir Willie points out that the Raw intro has pics of various stars, even "that Muppet, Mr. Kennedy," who's unfit to compete, but no King William - former General Manager.   What up with dat, chap?   He raises a valid point as does the King.  Jerry Lawler brings up the idea of Ted DiBiase Jr becoming more of a Randy Orton Jr.   You're hearing a lot of that lately, right?  Things like this are never subtle in WWE.   As for the match, eh.   Slow go at first and the crowd didn't respond well at all.   Both guys did their thing and all that, but it wasn't really anything to write home about until Montel solicited a crowd response…just in time for Rhodes to roll out of the ring.   When Monty Porter went outside, that's when William pounced.   Reegs took out the US Champ's leg, dropped him like a good habit, and handed Codedust a countout win. You'll remember the name - deep breath - uh...Cold Eez?  Cory?  Grody?  Something like that...

This means:   Tonight it's Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes vs. Shane McMahon.   Will Batista join the boss's kid or will Ted DiBiase join the World Champion?   Who will win?   No one knows.   Feed the hungry hip-hippos.

Jerry Lawler is in the ring with a house mic and that can only mean two things.   Either someone made fun of J.R. or there are women to be ogled.   Which one?    Half of the latter.   It's a Sing-Off.   Let's bring out the funny characters to make us laugh and kill some time.

First Diva – Jillian Hall.

Second Diva – Festus.

Oh man.   Jilly goes first.   She sings her version of If You Seek Amy by Brittany Spears.   She sings poorly.   That's the gimmick.   Once again, they continue to show just how little there is to do with this thing they've been pushing for years. It gets heat, though.   Then again, I get mad at people who bore me on TV.  That's nothing new.   

Festus went second.   He didn't sing when called upon.   You know what he did?   He stood there with his tongue out and a bowtie on his shirtless torso.   As Jill Hall tried to declare herself the winner, Lawler called for the bell to ring.   When it did, Fest screamed and broke into a rendition of the "Tomorrow" from Annie.   He doesn't stop until the bell rings again.   When the Steamboat Throat-Crusher goes "ding, ding, ding," he goes back into a comatose state.  

This was terrible.   The little bit of the Fest gimmick that I kind of liked died a bit with this thing.   It was just stepping completely out of character.   I kept waiting for Vince Russo to run out with a microphone and screaming, "See!   Festus can talk, but the piece of sh*t powers that be won't let him!"  

After the shocking whatever, Mike the Miz's muzik hits and the Real World dude runs in.   He takes the Annie Man's hand, makes an "L," and places it on his forehead.   After that, he punts him from the squared circle. There's mizness to tend to.

With Festivus for the Rest-of-us out of the ring, Mikey can turn his attention to John Cena.   Hey, Johnny, where's your self respect?   Is that some hollow catch phrase to sell t-shirts to the kiddies?   You ain't got none, punk.   You fear Mizerable Mikey and after you've been called out once, maybe a second time will make that happen.   Come out here, Marine.

…Would the Titantron work for you Mizanin?   The video goes on shows a shot of his Thugness walking to the ring.  We all wait.  This might take a few minutes.  He's doing the whole "Dr. House" gimmick.
-

Commercial Break. 

When we come back, Mike the Miz is still bantering with himself.   As John doesn't come out, Mike said this:

"Maybe you're looking for your next script.   I sent it to the Rock.   He used it as toilet paper."
- Mike The Miz

Bingo!  Zingo!  Ringo! He then condems Cena's childlike fanbase and their "cougar mothers."   You're David Cook, buddy.   From there, Mizzy gets Dizzy and goes apesheet on Big John.   You're nothing, Superstar!  Mike's the most talented guy on the show and he's trying to get a leg up by calling out the Golden Child, but there's no shaba-doo music.   No big movie star.  No Cena!  So let the record show that Johnny C. punked out yet again.   Lillian Garcia, get on your r-rollin' feet and make the announcement!

Shabba-doo!

John Cena stumbles to the ramp to the dismay of the announcers.   They go over his aches and pains.   This can't be healthy for him to be here.  He should be focusing on healing his injuries instead of being on TV – once again sending critics to their keyboards for the whole wellness deal.

The 12 Rounder claws his way into the ring and prepares to stand toe-to-toe with Real World Mike…until the guy who hates light bulbs hits the scene.

The World's Largest Athlete, Big Show, stalks the ring as his music sounds.   Jerry Lawler calls for Johnny to run away, which we can file under "come awn."   The Chain Ganger does no such thing and awaits the entrance of Andre's kid.   When Biggie hits the ring, we get an old school staredown.   Cena raises his fists and prepares for the worst as B.S. eyes him from a far and grimaces.

This went on for a while.

Which is why the Big Show kick to the gut was even more dramatic.   Dr. Thuggy fell like a ton of…well, anything.   It's a ton.   The Vicki Lover continued the assault, pounding the former Champion repeatedly.   No one came to save him because people, you know, suck.

This went on for a while.

Fans waited for a comeback, but never got it.   Showgun locked in The Iron Sheik Camel Clutch and tried to break his back; make him humble.   After seemingly killing the friendless babyface through strangulation, he released.   John's limp body flapped to the ground like a steamed Boston Crab.

In the end, there was no comeback.   The bad guy wins.   The good guy loses.   It's like an Independent Film, only without the heroin and teenage runaways.

-

Commercial Break.

Before the break, John Cena got beat senseless.   Michael Cole says it's caused a hush to come over the crowd.   Sure.   Blame it on that.   Jerry Lawler guesses that this vicious assault could hinder Cena's Judgment Day return.  

Jared the Subway Guy is the guest ring announcer for the next match.   They actually announced him as that – Jared The Subway Guy.   Jared should form a support group with William Hung and the dudes who sang Macarena.   Time waits for no man.

4. Mickie James pinned Maryse after a DDT

I still can't believe that Jared is here.   It's just so damn random.   I wish they'd try to get Max Headroom.   He's got to be free now.  I can't imagine he's do, do, d,d,d,d,doing – doing – much.   Ha!   See?   I miss that guy.   He was money.   The crowd wasn't too into this match, even with Jared and all.   Although you could hear one dude loudly scream out, "Will you marry me," the bout didn't generate much reaction until the end.   Mickie James hit a somewhat jerky DDT and scored the pinfall.   That's when you realize it's a non-title match.   What's the point in champions anymore?

Batista is jumping up and down backstage.   That's how he prepares to wrestle.    Just in case it turns into an impromptu jumping contest.

Commercial Break.

5. Ted DiBiase defeated Dave Batista via disqualification.

The announcers referred to the similarities between Ted DiBiase and Randy Orton throughout the match.   Ted had a chance to showcase his technical skills more here, since their pushing a simmering storyline based on his in-ring style being similar to Orton.  Because of this increase in confidence, The Million Dollar Baby grew cocky.   He slapped Batista.   Yeah.   He slapped him.   That's when The Animal unleashed himself…

Davey B went buck-silly and choked out DiBiase until the referee had no choice but to hand him the completely unintentional, not turning bad, disqualification.

And with that, Shane McMahon prepares to face all of Legacy at once.   He'll be ready to go as soon as he leaps this tall building with a single bound.   It's next...or at least soon.   

- 

Commercial Break.

Backstage Chavo Guerrero is talking to his Aunt Vicki about Santino Marella's disrespect, but that's not the big deal.   The big deal is the main event.   You need to keep interference out of it.   Claiming to not want her job, but acting like he secretly does, Guerrero suggests that his auntie GM threatens Batista with a yanked PPV title match if he jumps in.   Before the GM can give her answer, Oooo Chavo runs off to tell the board of fake directors.   Damn.  He's playing her like a hobby horse.

Hey kid.   Cue Brian Kendrick.

I am Brian Kendrick.

Oh.   Hey.   Sorry.   Get out there, kid.   You gotta go lose.

6. Carlito pinned The Brian Kendrick after a Backstabber.

I would hate to have Carlito's hair.   I mean, it looks like it would be a comfortable pillow-like thing to lay back on, but it would ultimately be too much to handle.   I'd probably slam it my car door or something stupid like that.   Hopefully he doesn't.   He probably gets apple spit in it, though.  You know, from the blowback.    The match was jobber city.  Although The Brian had the The Upperhand for a while, it was the backstabber in the corner that handed Kendrick yet another loss.  

Smackdown Rebound:   Jeff Hardy won a four way match to become the number one contender to the WWE Title.   He celebrated by painting his face like Ronald McDonald and doing his fingernails purple.

Commercial Break.

Michael Cole introduces a video package of The View's new found love of MVP, complete with Sherri Shepherd in his corner on Smackdown.    She better thank God that JBL's gone.   I can only imagine the clothesline he'd give her.   Dang-gum leftists!   Yee-haw! View this, bitch!  

After the vid, we learn that tomorrow, MVP is on the View.   Get this.   That announcement is followed up by this…

"I love the View!"
- Michael Cole

"You watch the View?!"

- Jerry Lawler

Wow.   Michael.   Shut up.   Just, whatever you're thinking…no.   Just shhhh.   No more.  No more.

Backstage, Shane McMahon is loosening up his wrist for some reason and as he passes an apologetic Batista.  Dave promises to take the WWE Title from Randy Orton at Judgment Day.   It's sort of awkward.   Like someone apologizing for missing your dad's funeral, but telling you to look at the bright side – he got promoted at work.   Shane-o Insane-o acts as any of us would.   He looks confused and walks off.   Deacon Dave seems upset about his latest heelish maneuvers.   What – is – happening – to – me?   Must…fight…evil…powers growing….

Here.   Let's do this one….His name was Cody.   He was so Toady.   Yellow dots were for his dad and his brother dressed in gold…blah, blah, blah,…something, something…at the Copa!   Copa Cabana!  

Randy.   Just…let's just go.

What?!   I'm working on it.   It's a work in progress!   Shut up!   Shut your stupid mouth!

7.   Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, and Cody Rhodes vs. Shane McMahon was a No Contest

There are scattered boos for Shane McMahon early on.   The announcers see him as noble, though.   He's going to the ring to face three guys who could kick his ass in their sleep.   Will be rise above the insurmountable odds and gain victory?   Well, he has a good shot.   He's related to the bosses.   Oh, and he is one.   That's why this match began with Little Mac pounding on Cody Rhodes.   When Rhodes finally gained an advantage, Shane still didn't let up.   When Randy Orton got tagged in, that was a different story.   The deliberate champion tore into McMahon.   Cole said it had to be to Randall's advantage to be in a match like this.   "He can take his time," Michael explained.   Not sure what that means considering the show ends in six minutes.   Halfway through the match, I realized that The Here Comes Money Man has a specially made jersey commemorating his match with Orton tonight.   Not sure he'd want to remember this too much.   For the most part, the audience stayed uninterested and McMahon stayed out of breath.   Although he got a pop for his occasional big spot, there still seemed to be a general malaise throughout the arena.   In the end, there're two stories here.   Either the obvious three on one advantage wins out or the underdog comes back.   Both scenarios here, don't seem exciting.   Because of that, you find yourself not really caring either way.   When Dandy Randy zeroed in on his prey, it all looked over.   He hit the Garvin Stomp and tagged in Rhodes.   The son of a son tore into Mr. Macky with offense of his own.   He should have stopped at the moonsault, though.   They always should stop at the Moonsault   That's the big miss.   Ask Kurt Angle.   Don't do the moonsault.   After rolling out of the way, S-Mac went to town on the Three Horsemen.   He cleaned house, no matter how unrealistic it was.   The crowd reacted big, so at least they seemed to like it.   After singlehandedly destroying the top heel stable, Shane began removing the monitors from the announce table.   This begs the question:

Why didn't he  just use his powers of telepathy to move them?   Use the heat ray to melt them?   Hmmm…There must be evil forces at work backstage. 

The McMegaMan set The Legend Killer up on the now-monitorless table, climbed the buckles, and then sailed through the air with an elbow.   At the last minute, Randy Orton rolled from the flying millionaire, sending him through the table himself.   After this vicious miss, Legacy ran over and slid him back over to the ring steps.   As they did, a kid at ringside kept calling out, "Randy!   Randy Orton!   Randy!"   As if Orton was going to stop halfway through the dragging and go, "What's up, man?   How you doing?   You play Call of Duty?"   He had more important things to worry about – like breaking Shane McMahon's leg with the ring steps.

McMahon, much like John Cena, has no friends.   No one comes to save him as he has his leg placed on a step.  Despite Mac's pleads, Ort slams the top of the steps down on it and sends him sprawling.  Zach Gowan, beeotch. 

As the former European Champion reels in pain, The Voices Guy peers at him like Dr. Zaius.   Officials come out to stop him and it appears that after restarting an early no-contest, we have ended…in a no contest.   Lame.  Little Mac has one leg as we fade to…

Wait.   Dave Batista comes running out.   A day late and a buck short, Deacon Dave chases Second/ThirdGeneration X from the area.   As paramedics lift the custom jersey guy onto the stretcher, Randy addresses his savior.

"Batista.   Your Judgment Day is coming."
- Randy Orton

Dave responds by yelling.   The crowd is dead silent as we fade to black.

All in all… Some good.   Some bad.

The John Cena thing was good.   I liked the whole bit.   Mike The Miz is coming into his own big time and it sounds like his promos aren't as robotic as others may have been.   With his "acting" background, Mike knows how to play a character.   He's doing this one to a tee and it's much easier to get yourself booed than cheered.   Getting the reactions he's getting though, is much harder than either.   Good for him.

The Shane McMahon thing was ridiculous.   He needs some working mirrors because the whole situation was just mind-blowingly ego-driven.   The reason why Triple H can do scenarios like this is because he's Triple H.   He's jacked and has a pet sledgehammer.   Shane-o doesn't look like much and seeing him pummel the top heels gets old…and silly.   If anyone needed backup, it's McMahon.   Get him Ezekiel Jackson, stat.  

It might be no matter though.   With his leg out of commission, Legacy can finally move on and all of Batista's strange actions can hopefully be given some meaning.   A double turn between Deacon Dave and Ted DiBiase looks the most probable and might not be that bad.   But who knows.

Santino was good tonight.   Les Thatcher has said that with Marella, comedy can't be an every night thing.   It gets old, no matter how funny it is.   He's right.   With Santino, less is more.   Until that happens, we have to wait for great moments like tonight.

Jared from Subway.   Kendrick still stinks.   Chavo wants power. William Regal feels slighted and MVP is a big hit with a weird crossover audience.   So it goes.   Be sure to check out the brand new   ClubWWI.com interviews with Outback Jack and Manny Fernandez!

Be Well!   Thanks for sharing my Insanity.