…and we're off.   Raw is hitting you like Kiefer Sutherland at Happy Hour.   Inside the arena, is a ring.   Inside the ring is a cage.   Inside that cage are Randy Orton and Legacy.   Inside Legacy and Orton is lunch.

Center ring, Randy Orton tells us about his weekend plans. The WWE Champion is defending his strap inside a cage against Dave Batista at Extreme Rules on pay-per-view.   Should the Legend Killer be worried?   Randall turns the question to the audience.   Should he?   They cheer in the affirmative and he answers with some pent-up anger…

"As usual, you people have no idea what you're talking about?!   Batista is the one who should be worried.   Worried about me."
- Randy Orton

It gets better, Animal.   Ort talked to Vicki Guerrero earlier and, Deacon Dave, you have a cage match tonight.   We're going to flip a coin and wherever it lands, that's who you face.   You can either fight head – Cody Rhodes or tails – Ted DiBiase.   What's it gonna be, Batista?   Head with Cody or Teddy's tail?   Pick your freaky deaky, my dirty friend.

The coin flips with the head side up, giving the bout to BroDust.   This just delights Cody to no end.

"My father was in some of the greatest cage matches of all time.   Cage matches?   They're in my blood."
- Cody Rhodes

Way to go, Code-Red.   Now with your match laid out, it's time to focus on the future.   What's that future?   The image that Randy shows us all.   He steps from the cage and shows what Sunday's PPV is going to look like.  The still WWE Champion exiting a cage with a smile.

Whooo!

What's that?   An owl?   Huh?   Owl?   Here, little owl.   Hoot. Hoot.   Heeeeeerrrre little ow…Oh…Ric Flair.   It's Ric Flair.   Never mind.   Hey.   I was close.  

The Nature Boy is looking more and more like Judge Smails each day.   Naitch isn't here to tell Randy Orton about what Batista's going to do to him.   He's here to tell him about what Ric Flair's gonna do to him!   When Dandy Randy reminds Captain Crazy that he's retired. It falls on deaf ears.   In some of the weirdest logic ever, Ric says he's not looking to come back.   He's looking to annoy Orton until he agrees to fight him.   Make sense?   No.   I didn't think so either.   Whatever.   The whole point is that the Legend is going to go full-on stalker galker on the Champ until he agrees to fight him once and for all.

"You are a punk.   Always have been a punk.   Always will be punk.   I know I might not be able to compete in the ring, but I'm still the Nature Boy!"

-           Ric Flair

It seems that Flair didn't get the memo on his retirement.   His course of action?   Stalk the World Champion and ruin CM Punk's brand all at the same time.   How?   By calling Orton a "punk" about 100 times.   In fact, he got the audience chanting "punk."   Not good when you consider it's a real thing they should be chanting…with a different connotation…for a good guy.  Bad thinking on that one.    Anyway, the Horesemen doesn't want to fight R.K.O. in a ring.   Oh, no, no, no.   He wants to do it up in the parking lot.  

"A fight!   Look at me when I'm talking to you.   A fight to the finish.   One man stands. When one man can walk, he's the winner."

-           Ric Flair

And like that…Cowboy Bob's Baby Boy agrees.   Tonight, you'll get your parking lot thing.   But mark Randy's words, Ric.   This will be a night you never forget and won't remember…or something to that effect.   Long story short – Flair's wrestling again… but not really.

… but really.

Commercial Break.   Taco Bell's new commercial tells a story of a man who takes pennies out of need-a-penny jars so he can buy an 89 cent taco every day.   It's weird.   He looks really well dressed to be homeless.   Although, maybe he's a new homeless guy.   I have no idea.   Either way, he has to steal pennies to buy tacos.   It really bummed me out.   Way to go, Taco Bell.   What happened to the funny dog?

1. Cage Match: Dave Batista pinned Cody Rhodes

Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase need to break away from this 3-on-1 stuff.   It's taking away their identities.   You can't spend your career playing a henchman without battles of your own.   Sure, they can help out Randy Orton, but they should have their own feud to work as well.   Carlito and Primo?   Something like that.   It doesn't take much to end up like Hawkins and Ryder, but that's what's slowly happening.   The match played out pretty logically.   Toady Cody ran, Tista followed, and beat him.   The power of Dave was too much for the kid to take.   He was pummeled silly about the face, chest, neck, and head.   In fact, it wasn't until Orton showed up halfway through to sneer from ringside, that Cody caught a break.   The distraction allowed him the chance to climb to the top of the cage.   However, it also put him in the position to get Batista Bombed to the mat and pinned.   Uh oh.   You know what happens when you lose a match in the Rhodes household, don't ya?   Daddy eats off one of your fingers.

Vicki Guerrero is so happy backstage with Big Show and Chavo Guerrero, but not all share her happiness.   It seems that Biggie is upset and Vicki can't understand why.   Tonight's match will feature John Cena and his mystery partner against Show and The Miz.   Oh.   Wait.   That's it, isn't it?   B.S. hates The Miz.   They're not all that friendly with each other.   Dare Chavo say, they don't have "chemistry."   Tired of all the banter, The Giant asks who Cena's partner will be.   With a snide grin, Vick tells him to pick from a hat featuring "all the WWE superstars' names."  Paul dips his hand in and picks his poison. Who got picked to team with Johnny Boy?

Chavo Guerrero.   Oh!   Uh oh!   Looks like Miss Guerrero has hatched a diabolical plan!   That just shows good planning on her part.  No surprise, though. Vicki would hope a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life.

Commercial Break.   Love That Chicken From Popeye's.   Is that a threat or a dare?

2. Maryse and Beth Pheonix defeated Mickie James and Kelly Kelly when Maryse pinned Kelly

I love Maryse.   She's stands out among all the divas in how she's been able to carve out a different character than we’ve seen in a while.   When Sylvain Grenier did his ClubWWI interview, he told me that he didn't need gimmicks to get heat.   He said that he had natural heat because he's French Canadian, and he's completely right.   Just having that whole attitude going works itself out and turns you into a bad guy.   She has a good future ahead of her in the company.   Kelly Kelly found out all about Maryse for the duration of the match.   The girl who makes people talk to her hand pounded Double K and when Beth yanked Mickie James out of the corner, Kelly had no one to tag.   The Divas Champion capitalized and scored the pin.

Commercial Break.   Coming this Fall…

Matt Hardy Fun Fact :  Matt likes to paint faces on his toes and talk to them.

3. WWE Unified Tag Team Champions Carlito and Primo defeated William Regal and Matt Hardy when Carlito pinned Regal

Carlito has got to be thrilled as applesauce right now.   He pissed and moaned for so long.   Now, he's finally excelling with his brother by his side.   Speaking of brothers, Matt is trying to go it alone again and it might actually work this time.   I feel like his persona is at the starting stages for the big picture.   Right now, he's almost simmering.   It's understated and seems to be heading somewhere.   That said, it might not be heading somewhere good.   But I think there's hope.   The match itself was good.   Things were fast moving and exciting.   So fast, in fact, that Mattytude didn't make contact with his cast when Carly ran in.   He awkwardly missed Cool and hit Regal in the noggin.   Willie stumbled, Coolio hit his backstabber, and the pinfall followed.    The ol' Accidental Partner Punch – that old gag.

Following the bell, Sir William expressed his unhappiness with Lord Matthew and his talking toes.   As they argue, the announcers hype the matches that are still to come.   In other words, no one is hitting anyone   Segment over.   These two will live to tease a breakup another day.

Commercial Break.   Too Much time + Weird Talent =

Real Ric Flair in a real parking lot looks very different than the airbrushed Ric Flair in the parking lot on the graphic.   Judge Naitch is pacing and pounces when Batista walks up.   Flair is seething as he tells Deacon Dave that he didn't want to retire.   He can only think about how much he wants "to be Ric Flair one more time."   People have forgotten what The Nature Boy can be and he begs Davey Boy to stay out of it.   Let Slick Ric be himself one last time.   Let him take out Randy Orton for you and, for once, you can't be the Retired Boy's hero.   Be his friend.   Believe in him…and stay out of it.   D.B. assures his granddad that he's always believed in him.   The two share a hug and we move on.   Pretty sad and I don't mean that in the dramatic way.

Rather quickly, we're over in Vicki Guerrero's office.   William Regal and Matt Hardy  still haven't showered after their match.   Instead, they're here to share some news with the Raw G.M.   Tonight, she's facing Santino Marella!   This causes Guerrero to get so upset that she freaks out in Spanish until she's whispered the secret plan. This big secret makes her so happy that she snorts like a pig in laughter.   That's just grand.   What else can they get her to agree to do?   Have they tried seeing if she'll let them have guys throw darts at her too?

That's when we glimpse John Cena walking backstage.   Who does he walk past?   Why Chavito Guerrero, of course.   The two "partners" exchange unpleasantries.   Come on, guys.   Let's go take a Miz.

Inside the ring, Mike the Mizerable isn't playing games.   Unlike John Cena, who's nothing more than teeny bopper mental floss, Mikey Boy is the real deal Holyfield.   Those who cheer for Chain Gang Johnny love things like SpongeBob Squarepants and Jonas Brothers.   In fact, the Marine is on the same pre-teen icon level with Hannah Montana.   Mizanin mocks this, although he'd give his right testicle to have it, and that's why he's the bad guy.

I don't get it.   Why is the C crossed out?

You can't see him.

But I do.   I see the C.   It's crossed out.

No, it's like you can't C.   Like you can't smoke.   You know.   The sign.

What does smoking have to do with it?

Nothing.   I mean that it's like the sign for "no."   You "no see" me.

You No See Me?!   What the hell is that?   Why does his shirt say that?   It's like broken English.   Where's he from?   I thought he was American!

4. John Cena and Chavo Guerrero defeated The Miz and Big Show when Chavo pinned Miz

Both teams hated their partners.   John Cena hates Chavo Guerrero.   Big Show hates The Miz.   It was all just so emotional.   So much anger when friendship makes the world go 'round.   Speaking of round, Big Show spent a good amount of time beating Cena 'round the ring.   He hammered the former Champion and looked like he couldn't be taken out.   Even on the occasions when 12 Round Johnny got the upper hand, Biggie fought back.   Making matters worse for his uneasy alliance, Show refused to let Mike touch John at all.   When Mizzy went in for a few cheap shots, he was promptly scolded by Big Nasty.   If you think that's bad, though, you should have seen the look of death he got when he blindly tagged himself in.   The Real World Star rushed into the action as his gigantic partner glared from the bad-guy tag rope.   In the end, this cold war turned hot quick.  When Sir Bigsalot demanded a tag, Mike refused.   How did the big man respond?   A weak punch to the back of the neck.   Yeah.  Pretty lame.   Double M fell to the ground in a hoorah heap.   Chavo rushed in and covered him for the three.  

Just as the announcers began to tell the story of this unlikely alliance, The Doctor of Thuganomics put an end to it.   He lifted Kerwin White into the air and slammed him down with the move formerly known as the F-U.   Now, to be more family friendly, they've renamed it the "F*ck You, Douchebag."

That's what Show was saying with his fists afterwards.   Andre's kid entered the ring and beat F-U Charlie to a pulp.   It makes you wonder what you could witness this Sunday on pay-per-view.   Will history repeat itself?   If so, which history?   These guys have fought like 150,000 times.   I can't believe how many times they've tried to sell it to me.   I feel like there's a room full of people just watching buyrate numbers coming in, cackling, and screaming, "ANOTHER ONE!   HA!"

Commercial Break.   Quiznos has a new sandwich called the Toasty Torpedo.   In a related story, thousands of men across America have a new nickname for their members.

Josh Matthews is chilling with MVP and his challenger tonight, Kofi Kingston.   Kofi does his Miss Cleo impression and tells Montel that he has much respect for him.   Mr. V.P. returns the respect.   After getting all that respect out of the way, it was time for aggression.   Ja-fakin' Mon makes a crack about Monty's couch hoppin' on the View and it seems to raise the ire of the new Queen of Daytime talk TV.   It's awn…and it's next.

5. Kofi Kingston pinned M.V.P. to win the WWE United States Title

This past week, MVP went to the prom with Sherri Sheppard from The View.   Ah.   I love incredibly batshit insane nonsensical wrestling crossovers.   It's like Mad Libs.   (Wrestler Name) went to (event) with (daytime female host of TV Show).   What's next?   John Morrison joining a tennis tournament with Judge Judy?   I don't get it.   All the outside nonsense aside, The View Lovah is good in the ring.   Kofi is too and these guys worked pretty well together.   Another high point is that I haven't seen this match before.   It's nice to check something out that you haven't been force-fed 100 times on Raw already.   Kingston vs. Porter seemed fresh and came off that way when the bell rang.   Rather than doing a heel-babyface match, both guys worked in between and just showcased some good moments.   When No-Tell Montel's top rope superplex couldn't put Mr. Kofi down  for the count, things went up a notch.   The two hit a large amount of quick near falls on the other.   The sequence ended when they both ran into one another, knocking their heads together.   Both guys fell to the mat and the referee counted up to eight.   (JG Note:   When was the last time a guy got counted out in the ring during a regular match?   I think I've seen it in WWE maybe twice.   One time, it was a double countdown and the ref determined that the first guy to his feet would win.   I think it was Roddy Piper vs. Mr. Perfect, but I'm not sure.   As for the other time, I don't know.   I just didn't want to box myself into a corner by saying one.)   All this non-remembering is enough to distract you from the surprise finish.   Oh.   Guess I just ruined the surprise.   What was it?   It was MVP finding himself reversed, rolled, up and pinned by the challenger.   That's right.   The Jamaican African is the new United States Champion.   Now that's a man of the world.

After the bell, the former champion played some air basketball and congratulated the new title holder.   That's sportsmanship for you.   You know, Kofi should totally get on Barbara Walters.   Then they could double date.

Backstage, Randy Orton is doing his best Ken Kennedy and adjusting wrist.   When Ted DiBiase walks in, he has questions.   Yo, Randy.   What's the deal with this Ric Flair rubbish?   In a wrestling match, all bets are off.   But in a match like this, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose.   Think about your future.   Why risk it all on a dirty old dude?   When The Legend Killer claims that he'll get the upperhand, DiBiase reminds him that those were the last words of Cody Rhodes.   Poor, sweet, dead Cody Rhodes.  

Commercial Break.   There's a new Bizarro Roller Coaster.   Does that mean it's not fun or exciting?   Does it not move?   I mean, the opposite of a roller coast doesn't sound all that great.

6. Santino Marella vs. Vicki Guerrero ended in a…uh, I don't know

We spend some time hyping this Sunday's hog pen match.   To prove it's not something they just thought of, we look at some old clips from hog pen matches in the past.   This strange contest took advantage of the hog gimmick from the start.   Santino retrieved Vicki's pales of slop.   He approached Guerrero with one and just as he was about to toss it, Matt Hardy and William Regal showed up from behind.   That's when Marella spun around, sending slop all over.

The biggest target of Santa's slop?   William Regal.   He shot his slop all over William's face.   Yup.   That's what happened.

Needless to say, this sent Mr. Bentley into a rage.   He and Mattitude sprung into action and tore into Santino with reckless abandon.   When they were through, Vicki stood tall over him.   She held the slop bucket and cackled like an evil Chipette.   Then she poured.

First on his groin.   Then on his face.   The announcers reacted as if the slop was something grosser than the peas and carrots it appeared to be.   What will this Sunday bring?   More peas and carrots?   Considering that WWE just gave away one possible match ending for Sunday's PPV match free before the show, I'd say that it better bring a Vicki loss or people are going to be letdown.   Then again, there's no chance in hell that she's getting out of Sunday without being slopped anyway.   I know it.   You know it.   Dogs know it.   The guesswork is gone.

Commercial Break.   The Randy Savage DVD is coming this week. You can check it out on the left side of this page in the Amazon carousel.   This DVD is years past due.   The money that's laying on the table to be made on The Macho Man is staggering.   He's right up there with Hulk Hogan in most people's eyes.   Savage was awesome.

Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are doing their weird in-ring PPV hard sell.   I guess they figure it's hard not to order it when they're so blatant about selling it to you. It's like having a really desperate door-to-door salesman in your living room.   Once he starts singing and begging on his knees, you feel so bad, you give in.   Fine, fine, Gil.   Just stand up.   I'll buy your stupid knives or whatever.

Commercial Break.   Tomorrow night on ECW:   Christian vs. Tyson Kidd.   If that doesn't make you want to check ECW out, then nothing will.   It's WWE's big secret.   ECW – that's where the wrestling is.

The parking lot is gimmicked like crazy.   With cardboard boxes and well-placed cars, Randy Orton jumps in and begins to search for Ric Flair.   He looked up, down, and all around.   He couldn't look behind himself, though.   That's where Flair came running from.   Naitch attacked, tore off most of Orton's shirt, and the fight was on.

Now, I don't know what to tell you guys, but this was wrestling.   Ric Flair was wrestling.   That's what it was.   Not only is he wrestling a match, but he's doing it on Raw.   Why?   I don't care how you dress it up, it's Flair in a fight.   You could have saved this for pay-per-view and made some money on it.   Instead, it's used as a ratings stunt with the loophole being that his isn't a "sanctioned match."   Whatever.   All it does is cheapen Ric's return when it inevitably does happen.

We even spilled into the arena around the 11 pm mark.   Both Slick Ric, all huffy and puffy, and Dandy Randy fought back to the ramp.   With Flair laying in pain, Orton put the boots to him and repeatedly slammed his head with fists.  His cotton-like hair sticking straight up like a Wishnik Troll, Ric didn't lay down for the Champion.   He fired back with a low blow and some stomps of his own.   Even when his shirt rode up and his underpants started to stick out, the dirtiest player in the Game fought on.   Ignoring his bloody head, Flair chopped Orton up to the ring steps and into the ringside area.   He dragged him there by his cheeks.

His cheeks?

I kid you not.   Once the cheeky monkey had been dragged, Ric brought Ort to the announce table.   There, he took all the monitors off and placed the Champion on it, following behind.   Atop of the broadcast stand, The Nature Boy took some kicks at his opponent's legs and then locked on the Figure Four.   Michael Cole screamed that someone had to be kidding him.

I kid you not, Michael Cole.   You know who would kid you though?   Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.   By kid, I mean punch.   After all, that's what they did here.   Legacy rushed to ringside, took some shots at the Flair Bear, and yanked  him into the ring.   With Orton shouting, "Get on him, " they beat Doc Brown into oblivion and sent him back to 1955 with vicious kicks.

That's when the Champ walked in.   He dismissed his buddies from the ring and had them lock the door behind, leaving him all alone to win his match against the guy who's not supposed to be wrestling matches.   However, once the door was locked, Batista showed up.   Yeah.   And he was mad.

Dave chased off DiBiase and Cody.   He jawed with Randy Orton from ringside, but couldn't get into the ring because the cage door was locked. The Animal tried climbing it, but he wasn't very good at it, so he dropped back down.   Unable to reach the arrogant Legend Killer, all Tista could do from outside the ring was threaten and glare…and watch his mentor take the RKO.

Then, once that horror had ended, crazy Randy went blank. He revved back and…

… kicked the Hall of Famer square in the head while Batty Dave whined from the floor.   The move that has taken out so many others has just taken out the guy who's supposed to be retired from anything he could be taken out from.   Helpless, Batista kept repeating, "I'm gonna tear you apart."   No worries on Captain Headpunt's part.   Ort goes all crosseyed and nutty as we fade to black.

All in all …This show was a one trick pony that didn't excite me about Sunday's show.

Sorry.   Ric Flair vs. Randy Orton was the big publicity stunt.   Unfortunately, Randy's fighting Batista on Sunday.   Even worse, it's a match that I'm not too giddy over.   A cage match?   How extreme is that?   Rey vs. Jericho – no DQ?   Vicki vs. Santino in a hog pen match?   Yikes, yikes, and blah.   It's all just really watered down and makes Extreme Rules sounds an awful lot like WCW Uncensored.   That was lame too.

If you're going to call your pay-per-view "Extreme Rules," you have to go all out.   Just having old school cage and strap matches won't cut it.   Granted, I'm not a big fan of guys doing moves that can seriously get themselves hurt.

Then again, I'm also not the guy who named a pay-per-view "Extreme Rules."   All's I'm saying is that people have an expectation when you call an event that.   It sets the bar higher than it should.

Other than that, this show was so-so.   I thought MVP vs. Kofi was really good.   The Cena-Show tag match was intriguing too.   All that aside, this night was about Ric Flair and the match they gave away.   From a one night only standpoint, it was a good main event.   From a big picture standpoint, it wasn't.

One reason is that by having a street fight, WWE thinks they have a loop hole when Flair returns.   Tonight doesn't count because it wasn't "official."   Well, sorry guys, but most fans don't care about official or unofficial.   They care about what they see.   In their eyes, this was Ric's return.   Now when you do it for real, it'll be cheapened by what you gave away free tonight.

The other reason is what I just said, if they were going to do this, they should have done it on pay-per-view.

Finally, I wouldn't do it at all.   The Nature Boy had a retirement that any wrestler would be lucky 100 times over to get – and no one deserved it more than Flair.   Coming back now would be a mistake, in my opinion.  

That does it for me.   Be Well!   Thanks for sharing my Insanity.