|
|
JG's 6/30 Raw Insanity: C.M. Punk Will Be Your Hunter Figure
By James Guttman
St. Mary of Kayfabe Memorial Hospital...Visiting Hours...
Triple H: Vince, Lex Luthor is here to see you. Dana White: I'm not Lex Luthor. I'm Dana White. Hunter: From Different Strokes? Dana: Is this an act? Hunter: (scrunching his lips) Whatchu talkin' bout, Kimberly!? Dana: Yeah. OK. So Vince. How are you? I heard you got crushed or something. Vince: Dana White! As I live and breathe. Come on in. Here, let me kick the sheets over. Vince stretches out and knocks the blanket to the floor with his legs. Dana: I thought your legs were broken. Vince: Ha ha. You thought it was real? Dana: Yeah. I even baked you this get well cake. Hunter: Don't eat it. He probably put Kryptonite in it. Dana: (pointing to Hunter) Is that an act? Vince: That? No. That's real. What you see on TV is an act. It all is. Hunter: Yeah. I'm actually taller on television. Like two inches. Dana: (shaking his head) So your legs aren't broken? Vince: Ah ha ha. No. Dana: The stage falling on you was a set up? Vince: Aha ha ha. What a maneuver! Dana: What's the point? Is this going to sell a match? Who can you fight with broken legs? Vince: Actually, that's the minor stuff. The whole idea here is to get me in a wheelchair for a little while. I'm pretty tired and the wheelchair gimmick is pretty accommodating for a little relaxin'. I actually wanted to come to the ring in that floating upside gurney that Marty McFly's dad was on in Back To The Future 2, but then Hunter explained why that couldn't happen. Dana: Because it's only pretend in a movie? Hunter: (rolling his eyes) No, stupid. It's because Back to the Future 2 took place in 2015. That's still like six or nine years away. Those things aren't invented yet. Duh. Dana: Of course. How silly of me. Hunter: Yeah. Look. The bottom line here, Mr. Clean, is that you need to fake it up a bit. Vince: Yes. He's right. There's two rules to success I have for you, Dana. First, the boss is the star of the show. Dana: I know. I'm way ahead of you on that one. Vince: Splendid. Also…you have to make things faker. Here. Listen to this song. Dana: There's a song? Hunter: Ha! Is there a song? Of course there is. There's always a song! You ready, M.C. McBrokenlegs? Vince: Word!
"Faker" by Vince McMahon (sung to the tune of Kanye West's "Stronger." Original song and lyrics can be found by clicking here.)
Hunter: Work 'em. Fake 'em. Screw 'em. Make it…badder, lamer, dumber, faker…
Vince: N- n- no limos can't kill me
Hunter: Badder, lamer, dumber, faker.
Come back...I entertain the soldiers.
You know how long I've been on ya, Hunter: (arms spread, waving hands) Ha-cha-a-a-a-a!
Vince:
Done.
Now get out.
Confused, Dana walks out.
Vince:
It's all set, right?
Hunter: Yup.
His limo will blow up as soon as he gets in.
Vince:
Did you fake it?
Hunter:
NO! HAHAHAHA!
Vince: HAHAHAHAHA! Ah. That's genius. Hey. Call the nurse in here. I feel like slapping someone.
Last Week... the Monday Night Raw set fell on Vince McMhaon.
That's what you get for leaving Paul Heyman in charge of paying the ring crew.
Shane McMahon is backstage and boy does he look somber. (JG Note:
And old.
He looks old too.)
Little Mac has something to say about the towering inferno incident:
"Good evening.
Most of you know my father was the victim of a horrendous accident.
You also know him as the colorful and somewhat boisterous WWE chairman, but in reality, he’s a very private person.
In respecting his privacy, tonight we will not be forthcoming with his physical condition.
But in the interim, I ask that all the Raw superstars, WWE employees, production crew, referees, trainer, anyone involved in tonight’s production, pull together in this time of uncertainty.
Thank you.”
Just as the promo came to an end, you could hear someone in the crowd say, "Ha.
Ha."
Perfect.
Oh..and there was a pay-per-view last night, but not being forthcoming with Vince McMahon's condition was more important, I guess.
Right? Pull together, people.
Michael Cole is here. You don't want him to think you're a big crybaby, do you?
Hello Oklahoma! Michael "Don't Call Me Old King" Cole is at ringside with Jerry Lawler.
Tonight will see Kofi Kingston defending the Intercontinental Title against Chris Jericho.
But first, let's bring out the Cowboy who hates togas…
To a standing ovation, Jim Ross shows up and walks to the ring.
He's no longer on Raw, but I guess he figured he might as well use up his frequent flier miles.
The disgruntled Okie soaks in the crowd adulation, takes the mic, and lets out a, "wow."
"It is a magnificent honor to be standing in this ring, on this night, with our wonderful WWE fans around the world watching to say, it's damn sure good to be home.
I am very excited about a new journey that I am embarking on as the play by play voice of Friday Night Smackdown.
I hope that as you have in all the years, the many years, since I have started on Monday Night Raw, you've will join me on that journey.
We're gonna raise hell on Friday Night Smackdown and take it places it's never been before.
Before I go on, I certainly want to say I'm excited about the opportunity to work with the hardcore legend Mick Foley on Friday Night Smackdown.
But I also want to say that for over a decade, my travelling partner, my driver, my father confessor, well hell he's my older brother.
King, thank you very much for some wonderful years.
Going into the WWE Hall of Fame with the same class as you in 2007 made that moment even more especial and you're a hell of a special guy to me." Ross then praises Michael Cole as Raw's new voice. The crowd boos and the camera shoots to Cole, who has a pained smile on his face. No worries, though. I mean, what's the worst that could happen to Michael Cole on Raw?
Yikes.
After the obligatory plug for M.C., Ross touches on some interesting moments he’s had in Oklahoma City.
After the trip down Danny Hodge Lane, J.R. once again states that it's great to be home and he's looking forward to heading to Smackdown.
Everyone gets teary eyed as Ross stretches out the goodbye until the music they're supposed to cue gets cued.
Olive Stains…Icy Clear Rings…
Edge and the other two Edges he made like Michael Keaton in Multiplicity show up.
World Title over his shoulder, Edgar confronts Good Ol' J.R. and explains why he's here.
Seems that word spread of Jim's farewell and the Champ had to see it with his own R-Rated eyes.
The R-Rated Superstar tells Jimmy Jam to give an "EDGE WINS" like he means it, but Barbeque Boy was having none of it.
So, with that, Hawkins and Ryder are instructed to walk him out of the arena.
Which they do.
With Jim Ross on his way to Sizzler, Edge can finally tackle the issues at hand.
Raw is missing a few things, kids.
You haven't noticed?
Well, there's:
A General Manager: "Smackdown has my fiancée, the love of my life, Vicki Guerrero."
The Undertaker: "Then again the entire WWE universe is missing the Undertaker since I singlehandedly banished him from the entire WWE.
You're welcome."
A World Champion: "(All The Raw Stars) will never have a shot at my Championship."
He doesn't mention some of the other things Raw is missing.
What about Kamala?
It's missing Kamala.
Danny Davis?
I miss Dangerous Danny Davis.
Raw doesn't have him.
While we're at it – Dan Spivey.
No Dan Spivey either.
Come on, Copeland, do some research, eh?
Adam reiterates his point and informs the crowd that he will never appear on Raw again…unless it's a Draft show or some gimmick like that.
In the meantime, gotta go…see ya when I see ya.
The World Champion walks the aisle when he's suddenly cut off by some generic stereotypical metal-like wrestling theme music.
You got it. Batista has arrived.
Deacon Dave is wearing no shirt, yellow boots, and a pair of jeans.
(JG Note: He looks like just walked out of the Pildriver music video.)
After chasing Vicki's hombre up the aisle, Tista got his revenge for last night's miscarriage of justice.
How?
By beating the living snot out of Edgy and Batistabombing him for good measure.
It looked like the end of Mr. Edge.
And it was.
Oh was it ever.
Out of nowhere, "Mr. Money in the Bank" C.M. Punk materializes
He rushed the ring eagerly with a referee by his side.
It was a scene right out of the old Hardcore 24/7 gimmick.
In fact, it took a few seconds to register what was happening.
As the briefcase was handed over, Lillian Garcia made the announcement.
Yup.
That's when things got really crazy.
How crazy?
This crazy –
1. C.M. Punk pinned Edge after the G.T.S. to win the World Heavyweight Championship.
Yeah. That happened. Just like that. Here. Read it again.
The crowd went buck silly. Amazing way to open the show.
The way they blended every segment together with a big payoff like that really kicked things off well.
Line Cut From Commentary -
"You know, King, C.M. Punk reminds me of one of those Elmo Kids.
You know those kids?
Elmo kids.
Why do you think they call them that?
You think they're ticklish or something?"
Commercial Break. Hulk made Orndorff plug his workout set? No wonder he clotheslined him.
Before the break, C.M. Punk won the World Title.
Yes.
You didn't imagine that.
2. Women's Champion Mickie James pinned Jillian Hall after a Mick Kick.
I feel like Jillian Hall gets better every week.
The more time goes on, the smoother she gets with the Brooke Hogan Pop Tart gimmick.
She screeched her way through her intro song while Mickie James stood there and shrugged.
(JG Note:
I never got that.
The babyfaces act so weird when the bad guys sing.
I never understood why a good guy would tap the referee during Nikolai Vollkoff's singing of the Soviet National Anthem and then shrug.
What's the problem?
You don't know what he's doing?
He's singing the damn Soviet National Anthem, SD Jones.
What the hell are you bothering the ref for?
He's just as annoyed by it as you are. Pay respect and shut up.)
This one was short and sweet with nothing terrible to overshadow it.
The finish came down when James hit the Mick Kick and pinned Hall for the three.
Rey Mysterio is backstage.
He got here early. In an effot to saves on airfare, he travels in Kane's luggage.
Rey Mysterio is here and – like everyone else – he has a microphone. Rey congratulates C.M. Punk on his World Title win earlier tonight. Good on ya, Elmo Kid. Good for Raw, too. Actually, Mysterio feels strange talking about Raw. Hell, up until last week, his whole life was Smackdown. He was shocked – SHOCKED, I tell ya – that he was drafted to Monday. It was a good thing though because now that he's here…"I like it!" (JG Note: You've been here for 42 minutes, Rey.) You like it, Misty? Well, have ya met this guy?
Santino Marella e' que.
He's here for one reason. Since earlier tonight Shane McMahon said to pull together and make peace with your fellow employees, Marella has decided to welcome you to Raw.
So...hi. Good to see you and your silly mask. Welcome, silly mask. Speaking of which. SanMar has a theory on that whole face-cover gimmick.
"Any man who hides behind a mask is either incredibly ugly, incredibly stupid or is the Batman and you sir, you are not Bat Man!"
Before Rey can respond, Santino tells him to "shut up you face."
He doesn't get it, Max Mini.
Why all the love for you?
Here, look at the latest WWE Magazine cover.
It has you on the cover!
Si!
The cover!
It looks like you're saying:
"I like cookies!
I'm Ray Mastrio!"
Why is the Foreign Object so mad?
Well, Marella the Mohawk Moustache Man submitted his own photo to WWE Magazine.
Want to see it?
No you don't. It's Santino Marella in his shorts, on a bed, with a flower in his hand. Creepy. It was like the George Costanza painting
It's the magazine's refusal to use this wonderful glamour shot that drove Mr. Marella over the edge.
How dare you steal his creepy spotlight!
Ick.
Once done stating his case, the benevolent Italian makes nice. Now, Teeny Little Super Guy, you may respond.
Santa will give you that honor.
Here is the microphone. Just speak in a language we can all understand, esse.
Raymond Steerio looks on quizzically for a moment and then takes Tino up on his offer.
After all, everyone understands a punch to the face.
Rey jumps up and knocks Marella in the head.
The Miracle of Milan falls, eats a 619, and gives Little Rey Rey his welcome to Raw rub.
Still to Come: World Champion C.M. Punk speaks out for the first time.
They would have let him speak earlier, but they figured they wanted to give all the hardcore fans a chance to stop crying and catch their breath.
Commercial Break. Is this the number that he got the threatening voice mails on?
Back from the break, we watch another recap of C.M. Punk's World Title win earlier.
That was 52 minutes ago and Ashton Kutcher still hasn't come out, so I'm thinking this might be legit after all.
Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Punk.
It's one of the first times in a while that I remember Todd interviewing someone who didn't want to beat him up.
"I don’t know if I have the words.
I gotta do so many things and so many people I want to thank.
I’ve gotta go get this name of here and put my name on there.
First person I gotta thank is Batista for the assist.
I wanna thank Chaz and my little sisters and the fans. I’m almost speechless.
I don’t know. I feel awesome."
This brings in JBL.
With that Fox News scowl on his face, Layfield mocks C.M.'s punky win.
How can you celebrate such a lame-ass win?
You beat a dead guy, bitch.
Go to bed tonight and know forever that you're nothing more than a fluke.
How would that feel?
You can cry your emo ass to sleep or you can put that title on the line against Bradshaw tonight.
Prove you're not just a paper champion.
Put your belt where your mouth is, you kinky fool.
Make it happen.
C.M. Punk agrees to this challenge and we suddenly have a pretty good chance of seeing the Hardcore Fans Victory Dream Night turn into the Hardcore Fan "F-You" Night. Which is it? Stay tuned.
Commercial Break. She loves the Stackers! Oh, and Percocet. That too.
John.
Sorry to bother you, but we have a problem.
What's that?
Remember when you signed the contract to do the movie "The Marine?"
Well, turns out that we kinda got mixed up and accidentally signed you up for the The Real Marines.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, uh, our faces are really, uh, you know, red.
Sorry.
You ship out tomorrow. See you in a few years.
Hopefully we'll still be in business then.
John Cena has arrived and he too has a microphone. Geez. Everyone wants to talk tonight. What does John want to talk about? Losing. He lost to Triple H last night. Remember that? Well, John takes that loss with pride. It proved one thing to The Marine. He and Hunter are the best in the business. Their match last night will go down in history…just like tonight. That's right. You heard it here first. Tonight is historic. You'll be able to one day say...
"I was there when C/M Punk cashed in the Money in the Bank briefcase and became the new World Heavyweight Champion.
The only thing I'm not too savvy about is JBL bullying his way in to become the World Heavyweight Champion." That makes the Thuganomic Doctor think. If JBL got a title shot that means that ol' Punky Brewster would have said yes to anyone. That cheap hussy would have given a championship shot to everyone from Sally Jesse Raphael to Kwang. How about tossing Cena's name into that hat? How about giving Big Bad John the title match he deserves? How about it?
The crowd goes wild.
Fickle Freddies.
Johnny tells Johnny Bradshaw to take his Mamajuana back to New York and…
…MOOO!....
The horns sound and out steps the Red State Warrior. JBL still has that comatose look on his face.
He stares down the crewcut white bread rapper and informs him that he will not be wrestling CM Punk tonight.
Ain't gonna happen, beech.
In fact, as of now, Layfield is declaring Marshall Law in WWE.
That title is Bradshaw's destiny and, in order to make that happen, he's banning all dorks in silly shorts from the arena.
Unfortunately, that means you!
With that, the Acolyte brings out his own personal security force, declares himself the person in charge, and has the man who turned the WWE Title into a cheeseball little hubcap thing thrown from the building.
Easier said than done, though.
Dr. Thuggy goes into guard mode and fights off as the "security guards" attacked.
(JG Note: You could tell this was a wrestling-world security force because one of them had beads in his hair and another had his hair in a pony tail.
I'm surprised that none of them were wearing fanny packs.)
The guards pounced and the mighty J.C. did what he could to get away and prevent being thrown out the back door.
I wish I could tell you that John Cena fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but Raw is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew.
Footage airs from last night's "Night of Champions."
It's Night of Champion and not Vengeance anymore because, you know, Chris Benoit didn't kill his family and then watch "Night of Champions."
He watched Vengeance: Night of Champions.
It's different.
Commercial Break. The AWA – Your Home For Wrestling…and Porno Music.
3. WWE Tag Team Champions Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes defeated Darren Wade and Steve Anthony.
Darren Wade and Steve Anthony.
Man.
Sucks to be you guys.
To be honest, I wouldn't hate having more jobber matches on TV.
There's something old school to it.
For one match, the better guy looks good.
It was your only chance to see the entire arsenal of the Beverly Brothers.
Jobbers get beat up…even by guys that get beat up.
It worked in this case too because fans just wanted to see Rhodes and DiBiase together.
They didn't care about seeing them do anything but show up and be bad.
It's new and exciting.
You don't have to do much more than win and do it arrogantly.
As luck would have it, that's what happened here.
After the official word, Cody Rhodes explained his actions last night.
"When you're the son of Dusty Rhodes and you grow up around it your whole life and he teaches you how to do things the right way.
You pay your dies.
Be patient.
Be patient.
You do things the right way.
I took that advice.
I followed that advice and where did it get me?
I had me carrying that baby boomer and carrying his fledgling worth nothing career.
I couldn't even focus on myself. So why wouldn’t I seek out Ted DiBiase?
Why wouldn’t I seek him out before even debuted to find a partner that was like me.
He's young.
He's good looking.
He's dynamic."
Yup.
Cody Rhodes wants to bang Ted DiBiase.
You heard it here first.
"When you're this talented, you don't pay dues."
Ted then takes the floor and mocks the people under 30 years old in America.
(JG Note:
Finally.
I get my first break since turning 30 last year.
I'm not included in this! Go get 'em, Ted!)
DiBiase tells the fans that they're sheep.
Afterall, they're not like him. They're not…Priceless.
Line Cut From Commentary:
"Hey King, pull my finger."
Commercial Break. The McLovin' Fund.
Jamie Noble is brand spanking new on Raw and already Kane wants to kill him.
Jamie tells that Big Red Machine that without a boss around, that means that they're both equals.
Nutty Noble demands that Bald Bull keep his mitts off his crap.
If not, then he'll get knocked on his big red butt.
The Duke of Hazard keeps turning back to Katie Lea Burchill and smiling.
That all ended, though, when the BrotherTaker goozled him and laid down the challenge.
Pitbull Jamie came running from the back and into the arena. His escape was short lived though. Kane-o showed up right after and pounded him about the face, neck, chest, and head. He beat him silly. Silly. Then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over. The red lights shined across the arena and, for a brief minute, it was like we were all in Amsterdam with a big bald psychopath.
Chris Jericho is on his way to the ring.
Stick around.
We promise he won't sing!
Guess what. Chris Jericho has something to say too. Yeah. Everyone has a topic on their mind. Y2J's issues stem from HBK. He showed up at Night of Champions and "burglarized" the King of Bling Bling. Yup. Guess what else? You cheered for it! How dare you! Now The Boy Toy isn't in the arena tonight. Maybe he'll be at the Great American Bash, though. If so, how's about a match, Shawnathon? You and Lionheart. Two worlds collide. Rival nations. Rising like a spider and all that nonsense. Let's do the damn thing.
After dropping the challenge for the Bash, Chris informs his opponent tonight that the IC belt is heading back to the land of Milk and Fozzy.
You heard it right. Jericho's bringing the belt home a-gayne.
5. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston defeated Chris Jericho by Disqualification.
This was a solid match, even if it was a bit short.
It showed once again that Kofi can hold his own in the ring despite his youth.
In fact, alongside many other stars on the show, WWE finally has a really promising future ahead.
Kingston is, in many ways, the flag bearer for them all.
Sadly, this match had a terrible ending.
Get this one – Jericho tried to get a pin while holding Double K's trunks…and the referee DQed him.
Crazy, right?
Man.
That ref's a jerk, huh?
After the loss, Jericho went loco.
He tore into Kingston's eyes and watched on as the young champion rolled around in agony.
Chris hates eyes now.
He's basically doing Kane's May 19th gimmick only without the in-his-head voiceovers.
Line Cut From Commentary:
"I bet Kofi can score some primo bud, eh King?
Start a little puff, puff, give up in this mother!"
Commercial Break. Young Hillary Clinton.
We take a look once again at the sequence of events that lead to C.M. Punk's world title win earlier.
Yup.
Still real.
From there, we get a glimpse at footage from earlier tonight. In the parking lot, Edge is abusing Hawkins and Ryder like Kreese at the start of Karate Kid 2. (Kreese Note: Second place is nothing. You lost. You're a loser!) He whips them both soundly and then sends them into the limo. Mr. Myagi doesn't come to save them because he's, you know, dead.
6. World Champion C.M. Punk pinned JBL after the G.T.S.
The evil security force walks to ringside for this match.
They stand around the squared circle with their arms folded Virgil-style as JBL battles the new champion.
When the action spills outside, they keep their distance.
Why wouldn't they?
Layfield had things at hand.
He beat the man in black nail polish with brute force and even Michael Cole guessed that it may only be a "matter of time."
The Punker fought back, but John kept getting the best of him.
That's when backup arrived in the form of John Cena and Cryme Time.
The trio rushed the ring and battled the security force.
The distraction caused pandemonium and, in the ring, CM Punk landed the GTS. Three seconds later, we had a pin.
C.M. retains! How did he celebrate?
He jumped over the top rope and landed on everyone below.
It's anarchy!
ANARCHY!
CM Punk is still World Champion as we fade to black.
No foolies.
All in all…This was a really good Raw.
I was glad to see the direction this company is going.
C.M. Punk.
Kofi Kingston.
Ted DiBiase.
Cody Rhodes.
Cryme Time.
They're all indicative of WWE's realization that the future is upon us.
The slow burn for new stars is fun, but drastic times call for drastic measures.
Pushing young talent is their best move and, as we saw here, they're not pushing them poorly either.
This isn't a WCW push-em-down-your-throat New Blood deal.
This is a concerted effort to get young guys over.
The Punk thing was pretty nuts.
Didn't see that one coming.
It was a great start to the show and illustrated how long in-ring promos can build to something.
Too often guys go out there and chatter endlessly for no reason.
Tonight, it built to a shocking world title change.
Pretty sweet, huh?
On top of it, giving C.M. a victory over JBL later in the night only served to make him seem stronger. The whole night was crazy for Punk. I'm sure some fans still can't believe what they saw. I wonder how he celebrates a night like this? Perrier? Oxygen bar? Listen to My Chemical Romance albums?
Say what you want.
WWE is making the changes they need to make.
It's pretty surprising to see them realize that it's time for a shot in the arm – without publicity stunts like money give-aways.
This could be the start of something good.
On a side note, thanks for being patient these last few months as the Raw Insanities have had to go on hiatus.
Things have been pretty busy and I wanted to make sure I had time to get new guests for the Club.
Everything is going great and both my wife and I appreciate all the great emails and well wishes we got from all of you over the birth of our daughter.
Olivia just turned five weeks old last Friday and is already training to take on Aurora Rose Levesque in about 20 years or so.
I have her doing the bench press.
Of course, she just lays there and then spits up, but it'll come.
It'll come.
Check back later in the week for another uncut interview.
Thanks for reading.
I'll be back next Monday with an all new Insanity.
Yes, I will. See you then.
Be Well!
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com : Aaron
Aguliera Christian
Cage Jackie
Gayda Chalie
Haas B.G.
James Bruno
"Harvey Wippleman" Lauer One
Man Gang Diamond
Dallas Page Sylvester
Terkay
Need More Insanity? Join The Club
|
| All content contained here Copyright 2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |