Conrad Bain

Reason: Vince McMahon works out with Conrad Bain. He calls him "That Crazy Mother F**ker."

Segment By Segment Rundown:

Segment One: Conrad comes to the ring and calls out his TV son, Todd Bridges, for being on that "fake Hulk Hogan reality wrestling show."  He then says that he was married to the "real Dixie Carter" and that he "shagged that ass every night and Maggie Malone loved it."

Segment Two: Shelton Benjiman runs into Conrad backstage and exclaims, "Whatchu talkin' bout Willis!?"

Segment Three: Kofi Kingston runs into Conrad backstage and exclaims, "Whatchu talkin' bout Willis!?"

Segment Four: Mark Henry runs into Conrad backstage and exclaims, "Whatchu talkin' bout Willis!?" Then he punches him in the face. When the ambulance comes to take Conrad away, it blows up, and Vince McMahon gives away some money to a few lucky fans.

Randy Orton is here and he isn't happy. He takes aim at Helmsley and what he doesn't have. The Game has no belt. Ort does. Oh, and look at you there, Seth Green. General Manager with a nice muscley arm. Mmmmm. Come here, Muscley Arm. Mmmmm. Want to get me that newspaper…and some respect. Show it or else you're gonna end up with a boot through your skull, no matter how "pathetically small" you might be. To this, Mr. H suggests one thing…

Triple H vs. Randy Orton - Tonight.

The Legend Killer doesn't like this idea. It's going to happen at Night of Champion anyway - the whole Orton beats Hunter thing. Why waste time tonight? Blah.

The H Man has a better idea than that. How about if he winds up and hendersons the bisping out of you with a big punch? Randall denies this offer as well and lays into puny Green. Why are you here, Chris Griffin? Who sent you? You're just an outsider. You don't belong here.

Oh, but Mr. Green does belong here. Bawk, bawk, kid. The Chicken Man has a plan for you. It's…get this…I kid you not…

Legacy vs. John Cena, Triple H, and Seth Green.

Yeah. The crowd goes silent as visions of Jay Leno and K-Fed dance through their heads.

Up next: Six Diva Swimsuit Something. I guess they quickly wrote, agreed, typed, printed, and signed the contract in the last four minutes.

Commercial Break. Transformers have a video game, movie, and McDonald's contest thing.  I bet the Gobots are pissed.

They show a sweeping sky view of Orlando. For some reason, the city is really red.

1. Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Rosa Mendez defeated Mickie James, Gail Kim, and Kelly Kelly when Maryse pinned Mickie.

Lucky that these girls had their swimsuits, right? It's even luckier that WWE just happened to have all the beach crap blown up and sitting around. I'm sorry. I know it's all scripted, but come on. At least put the match on later in the show. If the idea is that he just made the match, then there should be more time between the two segments. If the idea is that the girls knew the match beforehand, but it was officially announced earlier, then tell me that. No matter, though. I'll just go with the notion that matches don't have contracts anymore.*** The idea here is to oggle the girls. That's what they told me at the start of the show, so that's what I have to do. To be honest, it wasn't hard to do just that. There's something to be said about six women fighting in bikinis. The final DDT by Maryse is one instant replay moment that a lot of Tivos are going to be rewinding in the morning.

Backstage, Robot Seth Green is conftonted by Chris Jericho. Stoic and irritated, Jericho calls him a mockery. You mock Star Wars. You mock WWE. That's why you're here. Acting better than 90% of the roster, Seth enthusiastically tells Y2J how happy he is to be there.  He has nothing but respect for pro wrestling and Luke Skywalker. In response,Chris insults him while finding a way to plug the upcoming Robot Chicken Bus Tour. That takes talent. (JG Note: Yo, Rodney, your momma's so fat that when she sits around your new restaurant, "Rodney's House of Ribs" on Railroad Street in downtown Philly, she sits arrrround your new restaurant, "Rodney's House of Ribs" on Railroad Street in downtown Philly! AH! SNAP!) Chicken Seth tells the David Fischer-looking bad guy that he's just bringing him down. So maybe, he oughta, you know, make like a tree and f**k off. An angry Chris obliges. Uh oh. Looks like someone isn't making too many friends. He better use that angry monkey in his closet for backup.

Commercial Break. Quiznos has a new commercial with a man who hears a talking toaster. Why? Because they couldn't just say, "Attention Stoners! Quizno's, man. Quiznos."

Primo Cool is in the ring and he's here to do two things - speak Spanish and then call out his brother. So, hermano, come to the ring.

Guess what? You'll never guess. Miz is his brother. Yeah. Miz Coolon or something? Who'd'a thunk it? Anyway, Preemie calls for his bro-ho and this guy comes out. Do the Ancestry.com on that one….

"One half of the colons. Where's the other colon?…So Carlito's out and the Miz is in. And since Maryse is probably watching this, I am going to leave you laying in the middle of the ring just like the rejected brother you are. Because I am the Miz and I am awesome!"
                                                 - Miz

2. The Miz pinned Primo Colon after interference from Carlito

The crowd was dead for this one. How dead? Cole tells us to check out Miz's blog on WWE's website. Then he says, "The things that come out of this guy's mouth." Considering that we're talking about a blog here, I don't know how Michael knows what he's doing with his mouth at the time. Stalk, much? Anyway, a whole bunch of nothing goes on in the ring until halfway through…

I spit in the…

I know, man. You spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool.

No, I was going to say that I spit in the cereal.

Pthhhhbbbbt! Dude! I was eating that!

Carly Coolio is here, he's afro'd, get used to it. The evil brother approaches the ring and distracts P.C., allowing Mizerable Mike to score the Mizerable pinfall.

Once again, the final bell signaled Carl's meltdown. This time around, he takes a big bite out of his apple and spits it in his prone brother's face. They sell it like it's really mean, but I've known a lot of people with a family of brothers and it's not nearly as mean as farting on his face or hanging him out the window by his ankl;es. Apple spit?! Whatever. My 13 month old does that to me every other day.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler break the bad news. Edge is injured. What will happen to the tag team titles? None of your damn business - that's what.

Commercial Break. We tweet. #follow me @JamesGuttmanWWI and our sites @ClubWWI. If you know what the means, then you're good to go.

Guess who Seth Green is taller than. Hornswoggle. The duo are backstage and share a laugh when Seth books him in a match against Chavo Guerrero…who will have one arm tied behind his back. Horny loves the news but hits the bricks when Big Show arrives. Biggie's here because Green wants advice. To this, the Show does a Dr. Evil impression and says it will cost him "one meeelion dollars, muwahahahaha." Seth lets out a forced laugh. So does everyone else.

Hey. Weren't you in jail?

Weren't you in Back the Future?

3. Jack Swagger pinned M.V.P. after a Powerbomb

The host of The All American All American American Trekin' in America, Jack Swagger is in the best heel for MVP. It works with Porter's baby face turn and love fest on the View. He's all about overcoming his obstacles. Swagger's all about being a douche to him about it. It works well and people seem into it. Plus, it's a chance to see these two young stars working against each other instead of stars more established than them (Dreamer/Christian/Finlay for Swagger, Hardy/Benoit/Orton for MVP). It's a chance for them to show what they can do and they really seem ready for it. Things took a turn for the MVP worse halfway through when the Balla' was tossed into the ringpost. Laying on the ground in pain, Monty P. was easy prey for the young Biff Tannen. Swagz pounds away and tries repeatedly for the pinfall, but to no avail. In what sounded like a commendable effort by the announcers to dig deeper into the psyches of the guys, Cole points out Jack's problems handling frustration in the ring. It was a nice moment that added to the match and actually made you stop and watch him for signs of it. Good stuff. In the end, frustration or not, The AAA took advantage and scored the pinfall. It's a big win for Swagger and worth more than ten Finlays.

Commercial Break. If you use Axe Body Spray, you'll be able to flip your motorcycle upside down on a giant ramp. Would you like that? Motorcycle? Ramp? Chicks like motorcycles and tricks and stuff. Better go out and get ya'some'a'dat Axe and some sweet, sweet lovin', smelly.

Hey. Want to throw up? Look at these photos of surgery from Edge's serious injury. He's going to be out for a while. We figured you might complain, so we showed you the inside of his ankle to shut you the hell up. Look in there. Yeah. Inner ankle. Now zip your lips.

Star of Six Feet Under, Chris Jericho, is in the ring and he's ready to address the crowd. Much like the fall of Achilles, his partner Edge is out by the same injury that took the mythic God down. There's a big difference between the two, though. For starters, the E Man t'ain't no God. He's a clod. A frail li'l clod…

"I should have known when I took a partner as fragile and injury prone as Edge."
- Chris Jericho

Uh oh. Canaydee-in-fighting! Jericho rips Edgar for being out of the match with Legacy at Night of Champions. The people think Christopher should turn his title in, but those people are stupid. Even stupider people think that Seth Green is going to order a tournament or some dumb crap like that. Nope. Because Chris put a stipulation to the PPV match in thing he's holding right now… his contract for Night of Champions.

***WHAT?!

In the contract that only men have to sign is a notation that if The R-Rated Superstar gets injured, The King of Bling Bling can pick a partner of his choosing. And that's what Dark Suit Chrissy is gonna do. Now if there's not further questions from big scary people like…

Mark Henry. Henry's music warns that there's going to be an ass-kicking as he enters the ring. C.J. is happy to see Sexual Chocolate here though. After all, he was going to pick Marky Mark for his partny partner anway. Henry smiles, put his hand on Jericho's shoulder, and turns him down. He's not here to team with you, wiener. He came out here to do what the song said. Kick your ass. Weren't you listening to the lyrics when he came out? Come on!

4. Mark Henry defeated Chris Jericho via disqualification

The match begins with a punch and it begs the question…if Jericho had a contract for Night of Champions, why isn't there one for this one? Are contracts only for pay-per-views? What assurances do you have the matches will take place on Raw? They're independent contractors, right? Can't they just take off?  Don't get it. Beaten out of his jacket and shirt, Chris ponders ditching the entire match altogether. He plays the Noirin role and leaves Marcus waiting. Frustrated, Mae Young's hand-daddy, lunges when Jericho finally makes his way back in. As he does, Jerry Lawler tells us that he received word from Seth Green that this match is official. Uh.  I didn't think there was any doubt. I figured it was.  Sometimes I don't get the flow of things on this show. It's like it's shot out of order sometimes. Anyway, when the match officially officially began, The World's Strongest Man knocked him around like a slacks-wearing bop bag. The only difference? Bop Bags can't run away. Y2J+9 can though. That's what he does. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee…all the way home.

Still to Come: Legacy vs. What the hell?!

Commercial Break. Michael Phelps is in the new Subway commercial. Why? Because they couldn't just say, "Attention Stoners! Subway, man. Subway."

5. Hornswoggle pinned Chavo Guerrero with a Small Package

You know, I was just thinking, "This show needs more comedy." Playing the Steve Austin to Hornswoggle's Mr. McMahon, Chavo refuses to tie his arm at first, but finally complies. When he does, Cole asks the question we're all wondering - what difference does one arm make? Good point, Michael. Lawler makes some allusions to bondage and when Guerrero dropped to his little knees, they refrain from the obvious jokes that could follow. Even when the mini-Finlay hit a Stinkface, they refrained.   Good restraint there, King.  The crowd sat on their hands mostly but made some noise for the big moments. You know, like when Chavito went for a one armed suplex and was rolled up in a small package. Yup. The highlight of Chav's career, by far, and that's saying a lot considering that he used to ride a hobby horse.

It's Legacy pep talk time backstage. Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase have daddy-issues. Teddy says that his Million Dollar Pappy never wanted him in Legacy. He wants him to be a Million Dollar Baby and that is not going to happen. All this papa-chatter brings in Cody Rhodes. Codedust tells them that there's a rumor going around that his dad, Dusty Rhodes, is going to host next week's Raw. Oh, and unlike DiBiase over here, Cody loves his big bouncy dada. Dandy Randy steps in to calm everyone down and tells them to focus on the task at hand. One last thing before we head to a commercial, boys. Leave Seth Green. His little green ass belongs to the RKO Kid. Rat-ta-tat-tat. Booyah!

Commercial Break. Use Castrol GTX and your car will spit quarters in your face! Seriously! Tell everyone you know! This is better than that email I got this morning about forwarding off to 20 people to get a $20,000 check from Toys R Us! Yeah, baby. Lucky day for me.

5. Big Show pinned Evan Bourne after a spear.

Fresh off a beating from Big Show, Kofi Kingston sits in for commentary, mon. Lawler narrates video of Kofi's pummeling last week and the two share a moment. But that was last week and this week is this week. Kingston's here for Show-Bourne, which would be a great name for a reality show about these two if they ever fall in love or something. Biggie towers over his small challenger as Kofi rattles off past U.S. Champions. It was a nice distraction from a bout that looked as ridiculous as this. Showster could eat Evan for an appetizer and the smaller man should have known that when he signed the contract. Or maybe he didn't. We don't know. Contract?  No contract?  All of that isn't important. All that's important is that The Giant towers over teeny tiny super guy. He's no bigger than your thumb, but when he faces big show, he is done. In the entire match, he manages one missile dropkick, but still gets hammered with a Spear that looked like his neck snapped. It was sick. When the referee leans in to ask if he's okay, the camera shows Bourne nod. So that's good. Wish I didn't see the nod on camera, but it's good. Glad he's ok. Here. High five. Just saying, would rather not have seen it.

For some reason at this point, they run out of stuff to do. They kill time with a Big Show-Kofi Kingston stare down from up the ramp, instant replay, and announce table ramblings. The finally show clips from the Robot Chicken DVD coming out next week. What DVD is that, you ask? It's the DVD that Michael Chole has never heard of. They watch the video and then say, "But seriously…" before talking about Green's match tonight. Yeah. Of all the things to be prefaced with, "But seriously…" I wouldn't pick this. It's like saying, "But seriously…lets get back to the Three Stooges hitting each other with pies."

Commercial Break. Just posted today on ClubWWI.com. Canadian Bulldog's Complete and Utter Bulldog audio featuring a look at Randy Savage's WWE DVD and some savage attacks on the randy Aaron Wood.

John Cena and Triple H are backstage with Seth Green. Santino Marella tries to run in and get under their skin, but that's not the point here. The point is that Seth is feeling the jitters and the Hunters of Thuganomics are here to give him a pep talk. Just like Bush say in Machine Head, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out." Most importantly, stay by the side of your partners pr else you might end up, you know, dead. Then who's going to do the voice for Chris Griffin? Z.Z. Top?

They can't. They're hosting Raw next week. I kid you not. Z.Z. Top is hosting Raw next week. Why? None of your business - that's why.

Commercial Break. That Dave and Buster's commercial with the mini-fun people is friggin' creepy. What type of hellish netherworld is Dave and Buster's in? It's like a dark carnival or something.

1989

Dad! When Teddy's dad went to WWF, he got bags of money. When Randy's dad went, he got flowers and fake casts! What are you gonna get me? Huh? What are you gonna get me?

Heh heh. Calm down, thun, if you weeel. Leth thee what th'Merican Dream hath for you. Hmmm. I goth'a toilet plunger and a nightthtick. Pick one. You have ta share the other with your brother.

6. Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, and Cody Rhodes vs. Seth Green, Triple H, and John Cena ended in a double disqualification

Michael Cole says that they "don't call Randy Orton the viper for nothing." Considering that Cole is the only person I've ever heard call him that, I imagine he'd know. Right off the bat, Seth Green was apprehensive about his bad decision. He manages to stay away from the bad guys, but isn't always successful. He tries to hide behind the Hunters of Thuganmoics, but after Hunter is RKOed and covered for the pin, Seth has no choice but to hit Orton and break the count. Irate, the Champion grabs him by his itsy bitsy neck, kicks him in the gut, and backs up for that head punt. Uh oh. Get ready for Robot Chicken Salad to be kicked right into the front row…

…but no! Cena rushes back in for the save...and he's attacked too. As the heels do the triple team and grab chair, you can only wonder who will save the day. That man - Triple H. His weapon of choice - a sledgehammer. The bell rings. The baddies run away and a careless Helmsleyh sledge swing sends John falling to the mat. The two stare each other down over this near-hit but don't throw hands, they thrill fans. Standing alongside Seth in the ring, the trip raise the arms and the crowd chants for him. Not them - him. Seth Green. Just him.  The Cerebral Marines raise their new robotic friend's hand and get into Chicken Fight position as we fade to black.

All in all…the celebrity hosts may be a stunt, but it's a stunt that's working, at least now in its early stages.

The celebrity gimmick is a hotshot thing, plain and simple. The real trick is whether WWE can use these weeks to build up some good rivalries on the show so that when the celebrity well starts to produce occasionally stale water, we'll have solid stories to see.

They're off to a good start now. Swagger-MVP, Carlito-Primo, Big Show-Small People, they're all getting airtime. Plus, Jericho and Legacy are doing great work as heels.

All that said, tonight's show was good and managed to avoid some of the eye-rollers that we normally get (Chavo-Hornswoggle notwithstanding). It's the early stages of a solid P.R. stunt and you better believe that guys like Seth Green and maybe even ZZ Top will get people going. Long term, it might get old. But at this point, it's one of the better ideas they've had in a long while and a nice change of pace from the same-old, same-old every week. Say what you want, but it beats the hell out of that Million Dollar giveaway thing or the set falling on Vince's legs. At least this gives you surprises a change of pace week to week.

That does it for me. Check back for more throughout the week. Be Well and thanks for sharing my Insanity!