Chez Miss Pizzeria and Cookie Bar

Fans need to eat.   They eat anything.   Have you seen these people?   They’ll chow down on anything.   Get this - at our old restaurant, WWE New York, we had a sandwich that actually had sawdust, sprinkles, mustard, and coffee filters on rye bread... and people ate it!   They ordered it in droves!   We called it "The Rob Van Dam."  Ha!  Marks!
-  

So in 2011, WWE will officially unveil "Chez Miss Pizzeria and Cookie Bar."   It's part pizzeria, part cookie bar, and part…uh, pizza cookie bar.   We've even shot the first commercial…

Narrator:   Introducing "Chez Miss Pizzeria and Cookie Bar" and our owner WWE Champion Sheamus.

Sheamus:   Hi.   I'm Sheamus.   (eyes bugged out)   GET THE F**K DOWN HERE AND EAT AT MY RESTAURANT OR I WILL KILL YOU!   KILLLLLLLL YOU!!!!!

Narrator:   Chez Miss Pizzeria and Cookie Bar - Open Monday through Friday 10am - 5pm.   Tell them Sheamus sent you.

Sheamus:   F**K   YOU!

John Cena LSAT Study Guide

Let's face it.   This Cena push has gone on forever.   Seriously.   Forever.   So what better to co-op the little buggers who joined the chain gang early than to provide them with the necessary study material for their upcoming law exams?    Hustle.  Loyalty.  Law School Entrance Exams.

Each book comes with:

☆ 5 Practice LSAT Exams

☆ Logic Tools To Deal With Tougher Questions

☆ Expert Advice From Harvard Law Students

☆ 10 John Cena coloring pages and stickers

Vance Archer's Boring Ass Video Game

Vancer Archer used to be Lance Hoyt.   He also used to be the guy everyone thought was Test.   He was also in TNA for a while.

TNA loved him.   Like seriously, they were on his ass big time.   It was like, "Hey.   Let's push Lance Hoyt."   We were like, "Really?"   They were like, "Yeah."   We're like, "Yeah?   Cause we don’t see it."   They're like, "No.   We really like him.   He's cool."   So we signed   him.

We changed his name to this Archer thing.   The original idea was for him to have a bow and arrow or something.   We keep meaning to order one, but it always slipped our minds.  We put him on ECW and feuded him with Shelton Benjamin.   Then we forgot about him.   We don't know.  He's ok, we guess.  Just, you know, blah.

So we made this crappy boring game to reward you people for watching us do next to nothing with him.   It's Tetris only all the blocks are the same dank shade of gray.

Yeah.   Enjoy.   We can't help but feel like TNA screwed us over here by sending us a dud.   That's ok, though.   We've done it to them ten times over since then.

Where The Sidewalk Ends recited by R-Truth

The timeless classic collection of poems by Shel Silverstein has never sounded so alive as it has care of R-Truth.   Sure, Shel Silverstein's estate tried to sue us and make us stop, but whatever.   We bought the book, which means that legally all of its contents are now our's…or something to that effect.

Fine.   We didn't buy it.   We had Justin Roberts take it out of the library and then we stole it.

Anyway, this isn't about us or overdue fees or librarians we choked out and stuffed into the trunks of our cars.   This is about R-Truth and gems like this:

Hungry Mungry sat at supper,

Took his knife and spoon and fork - WHAT'S UP!?

Ate a bowl of mushroom soup, ate a slice of roasted park - Let me hear you say What's Up?!

Ate a dozen stewed…WHAT'S UP!?   WHAT'S UP!?  

If you're hungry, Mungry, say what's up!   WHAT'S UP!?

Other poems include:   Peanut Butter Sandwich Whats Up, Listen To The What's Ups, Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take The Whats Up Out

Michael Cole just left your mom's house and he's kicking it with his main man with the gameplan, Josh Matthews.   What’s the ish tonight, Joshua?   A little shoot competition with kegs or egg nog or something?   Huh?   Nice little story we're gonna tell?   Yeah?   Got a compelling protagonist?   Huh?   Nice little narrative?   Beginning, middle, and end?   Some friends become enemies?   Enemies become friends?   At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah?  Let's find out, fruitcake.   It's time for the show that hates vowels…and it's NXT!

Matt Striker's fresh.   He's fly.   He's always high on demonstrating obstacle courses.   That's what he does to start off our show and let us see how tough the competition is for this week's immunity challenge.   The loser gets shot or something.   I wasn't really listening.

We start the show off with another show in the middle of the show. Yeah.   Weird, right?   MVP's VIP Show kicks off with the full set in-ring for Montel Vontavious Porter.   Monty The Red Nosed Talk Show Host is here to address an issue with his special guest.  So, without further ado, let's bring out the result of our science experiment mixing D-Von Dudley's DNA with Norman Smiley's…

Percy Watson.  Brother Norman dances up the aisle and his professional is nonplussed.   Porter cuts to the chase and tells the rookie in goggles that while he has no love for Watson's attempt to jump him last week, he respects it.   Yeah.   Why?  Because he's stupid.   Oh, and because a few years ago, he would have done the same thing.   Since then, though, Mr. VP has learned some things.   It comes with maturity and experience.

"I really do admire you, man.   You taught me a lot.   I really do respect you, I have to say that.   I just think that go-getter mentality just took over and for that, I sincerely apologize."

- Percy Watson

Montel verifies that the apology is sincere and the two share a hug. P.W. suggests that they go clubbing and all is right in the world. Until, that is, the Saved By The Bell kids are cued.

Actually, it's Matt Striker.   He has theme music that sort of sounds like...oh nevermind.   He needs theme music in order  to do important things like interrupting party moments and asking why MVP thinks Percy should win NXT.   Hey, at least it was something important, Matt.  That's why you just pushed your way into everyone's business.   You rude bastard.

This leads to a double promo from both the mentor and the mentee.  It ends - get this -  when Striker abruptly cuts Watson off and says they need to move on.   Seriously.   He came out, interrupted them, and then was like, "Yeah.   Whatever, Percy.   Shut your ass."   What a jerk.   You know what would be funny?   If someone came out and interrupted him.

Enter Cody Rhodes and Husky Harris.   The Rhodes boy and his Rotund Rotunda step onto the stage with a live mic.   Golddash, in jacket and little underpants, cuts an arrogant heel promo extolling the virtues of his Husky homeboy.   Harris then jumps in and, getting caught up a bit in his words, tells the heroes in the ring that he's real.

"Real fat."
- MVP

That's when Matt Striker says that these two teams will square off after the commercial.   Stay tuned. Don't worry.   If Matt has any other bonehead questions, he'll be sure to just walk into the ring, stop the match, and stick his mic in their faces.

Commercial Break.   Bob's Discount Furniture has to be screwed in the head if they think I'm going to sleep on something called a Bobopedic.  

Lucky Cannon Video.   I love how these videos turn into big hatefests on the rookie by all the pros.   It's like the Playa Hata's Ball.   I swear.   Give Morrison gold teeth, a cane, and a purple hat with a feather and we're set.

1. Dashing Cody Rhodes and Husky Harris defeated MVP and Percy Watson when Harris pinned MVP

You know the funny thing about naming yourself "Husky?"   It pretty much says, "I'm never going to get really thin."   I mean, he can't.   What 220 pound wrestler is going to be called "Husky"?   I guess we'd have to call him "Hungry Harris".   I've also really noticed how MVP has been all over this show.   Both he and Percy have been sort of the stars for the past few weeks.   Harris is getting a ton of TV time too.   It's been pretty noticeable that some are getting more airtime than others and you can easily start playing the who-do-they-want-to-win and who-don't-they game. All that said, this match was good and showed the other part of what makes this show work.   Not only do these rookies get to do on-the-job training, but their often-young mentors get to play the veteran for a change.   Cody, and others like him, has the chance to show that he can be a leader when in the ring.   He and MVP helped carry this match along and, when mixed with the enthusiasm of their rookies, brought it all together.   After a false surge by Montel, Ashy Cody took back control and after a kick to the face, tagged in Husky, who got the pinfall.

Michael McGillicutty Video.   His dad was Mr. Perfect.   His mom was Maya Angelou.   Go ahead.   Spread that around.  

Commercial Break.   Why doesn't anyone ever freak out and smash the Geico Gecko with a book or something?   If a little lizard thing looked at me and went, "I'm a gecko, not to be confused with Geico," I'd freak out and toss it across the room.   I'd burn the house down and pray until my eyes bled.   That would be awful.   Forget car insurance.   Get me an exorcist.

Last Night, Mark Henry was injured by Wade Barrett's incredible new finishing move - "The Sloppy Weird Looking Slammy Thing."

Dear Nana,

Thank you so much for sending me the varsity jacket for my high school graduation.   It's so nice!   I know how you were so proud to see me graduate and excited for me to become the first doctor of the family.   Well, guess what.   I cut the sleeves off it and I'm going to become a wrestler instead!   HAHA!   F**K YOU, GRANNY!

Love, Alex

Alex Riley is all set for his next bout.  On the other side of the ring, Lucky Cannon is here but Mark Henry, his mentor, isn't.   Supposedly it's because he was "injured" on Raw and not because he's off comforting Alex Riley's Nana, if you know what I mean.   Anyway, before the match, Rudy Boy Striker lets Lucky do a promo about why he should be voted #1 in the rookie poll.   He does and its fine.  I'll tell you this though - and mark this down - he'll get over big if they turn him heel ...and do it correctly.   If they make him an arrogant bad guy, he'll rule.   If they make him Leif Cassidy, he won't.   I just think he's too aw-gee to be a babyface straight away.  But that's just me.

Alex Riley then speaks.   Miz does too.   Mike says we should listen to him and he holds up giant red plastic cheesy Money in the Bank briefcase up to prove his point.   What was wrong with the metal briefcase?   That was normal and cool looking.   Now it looks like one of those big action figure holders we had in the '80s.

2. Alex Riley pinned Lucky Cannon

Michael Cole is nuts.   He's crushing on Miz like no one's business.   He also hates Twitter and the Internet.   He caps off his insane ranting by comparing Miz to Bill Clinton.   Matthews then mentions the name Monica Lewinsky and suddenly - poof - the announcing audio cuts out.   It only lasts a few seconds, but enough to be noticeable.  It's doing my head in trying to figure out if it's because of the sexual undertones or the political ones.

As I ponder this, Miz returns to the ring and beats Not-So-Lucky Cannon down with his big red action figure holder, finishing the rookie off with his "Skull Crushing Finale."

Commercial Break.   You have an important question to ask yourself  next time you go to 7-11, who would you rather suck Slurpee out of - Triple H, John Cena, Rey Mysterio, or The Undertaker?   It's really messed up when you put it like that, right?

Raw Rebound.   John Cena has assembled a team of all star wrestlers and one retiree with a strong chance of turning on him to face off with Nexus at SummerSlam.  

Up for stupid question time now is John Morrison and Eli Cottonwood.   Striker gives Morrison a chance to tell us why Eli should win the show.   In a mind-boggling moment, John tells a story about a kid who saw them at the airport.   The kid asked who Cottonwood was.   According to John, the kid didn't watch or care about NXT but was interested in Eli because of his size.   I kid you not.   He said that like it was a good thing.  Even if it was on-the-spot promos, he had the whole show to come up with an answer.  That's what he came up with? 

No one waches NXT, vote for Eli. 

Yikes.  Cottonwood then threatened Matt Striker unless he voted for him.   Very imaginative. 

Up next -   Laycool.   Same question is posed to Michele McTaker and Layla for Kaval.   They do a prepared promo with all their classic trade-off lines.   Then Kaval, decked out in purple, delivered a very matter of fact promo about how voting for him could lead to matches against Evan Bourne, Rey Mysterio, and Randy Orton.   It's very weird when Kaval just acts like a regular dude.   His voice is so low that it's strange.   Unless he's glaring like a psycho, he just sounds like the guy who does the low part in a barber shop quartet.  

Commercial Break.    Am I the only one who gets annoyed that Six Flags asks me to bring them a can of coke in exchange for a discount on my ticket?   It's like, really?!   You can't just give me the discount?  I need to bring you a one dollar soda or no deal?  Really?  Screw you guys. 

It's finally time for Wipeout without water as the NXT rookies square off in a ghetto obstacle course for the right to be immune from elimination next week.  

Up first, Michael McGillicutty.   Kofi Kingston cuts a promo on his rookie and does worse than some of the rookies.   He then christens  the fans Michael's "McGillibuddies."

"I'm gonna throw up."

- Michael Cole

The rules are that if you fall of an obstacle course, you have to go back to the start of that particular obstacle and start over.   So basically, it's just Wipeout rules.   Told you.   Just no water.  The Big Buddy leads us off...

Michael McGillicutty: 26.7

Riley was up next and a stumble on the balance beams lead to an argument with the referee.  

Alex Riley:  40.3

It didn't take him 14 seconds to do the balance beam, so he has no reason to bitch anyway.   Same thing happened to Eli Cottonwood.   He then went after the referees and was disqualified.   Who disqualified him?   Matt Striker. Yeah. What exactly is this guy's job here?   I can't get a grip on his exact authority.

Lucky Cannon: 27.3

Michael Cole cuts down Kaval's promo.   They both joke that he can do voice overs for movie trailers.   Oh, what I wouldn't give to watch him kick them both in the head.

Kaval: 29.1

Lay Cool are excited about his score and cheer…because apparently they don't understand how time works.

Percy Watson: 31.5

Husky Harris is up next.   We all laugh about his weight.   He doesn't have too many problems with the course.  Because, well, he rams through them.   When he gets to the biggest hurdle to jump…he smashes into it.   It was pretty cool and another showing of how he's been taking the initiative these past few weeks.   Cole says it's obvious that Harris was trying to impress the pros.   You know what would have impressed me?   If he ate the last hurdle.   One big bite.   Chomp.

Husky Harris: 50.3

So vote tomorrow for everyone except Mini Perfect.   He's got immunity.   But the one who comes in last, goes home.   The choice is up to you.   Well, not YOU. The guy behind you.   Yeah.   Him.   You.   The choice is your's.   Fade to black.

All in all…Last week, many people complained that they didn’t show the rookies enough.   Well, guess what.   I know why.

While I love the themed nature of this show, I like when they mix it up a bit.   The rookie exhibitions and improvised promos are fun, but that was all there was this week.   NXT needs weekly visitors to make things fresh and with the tapings being done when Smackdown's put to video, there's no reason they can't have special guests every week to break the monotony.   That’s what this week's show had at times.

I still think Percy Watson, Husky Harris, and Kaval are the top three - with all Kaval's momentum coming from non-WWE exposure.   The most disappointing may be Eli Cottonwood who has a great look but appears to be so lost that I keep waiting for him to ask directions.  

Not a bad show, but not the greatest they've done.   As the eliminations start coming, hopefully we'll have a more focused NXT.   Hopefully.

That does it for me.   Be Well.   Thanks for sharing my Insanity!

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