"Since Shane McMahon is not here.  Stephanie McMahon is not here.  I'm putting myself in charge.  And I'm only gonna make one match.  One match and that match is gonna be C.M. Punk defending the World Heavyweight Championship against me."
- Batista

Dave tells Kane that he can just suck on that.  Choke on it, pixie dust.  If you have a problem, you can find Batista in the back.  And if anyone else has a problem, let him show up on the Titan Tron and speak now or forever...

"Who do you think you are?  You're in charge of absolutely nothing.  You had your title match last night and you didn't win.  I don't care who ran down.  I don't care who interfered.  I don't care if the sun was in your eyes and your shoes were untied.  You didn't win.  What makes you think you're so special?  What makes you think you're so special that you can walk out here with your great big muscles and your big strong neck and demand a World Title match?"
- JBL

Hang on.  Hang on...Big strong neck?! 

"I, on the other hand, am special.  I walked out last night in a New York City parking lot brawl against John Cena and I left victorious.  That means that the next World title match - listen closely, listen very closely - the next world title match is mine."
  - JBL

This makes Deacon Dave giggle.   He calls out Justin Hawk.   Bring it on, moron.   If there's a problem, let's settle it.   The crowd cheers, but Layfield refuses.   Eff you, pal.   Bradshaw doesn't answer to you.   He's the man, dude.   The only time that John has to worry about is Summerslam…when he beats C.M. Punk.   Now, if you want to make yourself busy tonight, why don't you find Kane and have yourself and little game of grab ass…

Cue C.M. Punk.

Christopher Montgomery Punkenstein is in the house and he's wearing the Cobra Kai blouse once again.   He lets Bradshaw know that he's right on one count.   This is the jungle.   Batista is an animal and, as Champ, Punk is the King.   Now, as King, he orders you to shut your pie hole.

With JBL silenced, C.M. turns his attention to Batista.   Hey, Davey Boy, last night kinda sucked for the Champion too.   He wanted to prove that you can be defeated.   He didn't get that chance.   So, since Punk is half insane, he agrees to your match.   Let's do it.   Let's have ourselves an old fashioned title match.

Johnny Bradshaw gripes about it, but that doesn't last long.   Dave orders his audio cut and the production truck, eager to make sure he doesn't return the truck, obliges.   Whatever you say, Mr. Batista.   Just don't come in here and give us wedgies again.

Commercial Break. 'How'd ya like to bonk Hulk Hogan?' Did he really friggin' ask that?!

Jenny McCarthy speaks about Generation Rescue.   WWE uses the stock music they use whenever they show a person saying something serious.  

The music of Shawn Michaels hits, but instead we get that Garrison kid.

Titan Tower – Three Weeks Ago

I don't care if you moved him to Smackdown, Vince!   I told you!   I want to be the only singing partner that Lance Cade has ever had on the roster!   THE ONLY ONE!   I'm sorry, but it's just…it's just important to me.   You have to fire him.   You just have to!

Yup.  Lance Cade shows up.   He's got this weird goatee thing going on that looks like he drank a giant mug of hot cocoa and left a ring on his face from it.   It's pretty distracting.   He also stole Mike Enos's vest.  That too was distracting.   You hardly could tell what he was jabbing on about.   Turns out he was issuing a challenge to Shawn Michaels.   He tells the Boy Toy to come to the ring once the next match ends.   That way, you can finally have the words that Lance wanted to have years ago.   (JG Note:   Those words: "Why Won't You Love Me?")

1. Lance Cade pinned Paul London after a powerbomb.

It's like Paul London and C.M. Punk both started on the same road but took drastically different forks in it.   Punk is now a World Champion hero.   London is the guy that gets jobbed to Garrison Cade.   Cocoa punished Paulie for most of the contest before finishing him up with a powerbomb.  

"Okay, Shawn.   If that wasn't enough to bring you out here, maybe this will be.   Ladies and gentlemen, the man who quite possibly ended Shawn Michaels' career…Chris Jericho."
  - Lance Cade

This cues Mantuar.   Duh.   It cues Chris Jericho.   Who else could it cue? Y2J clad in his nice clothes, slowly shuffles to the ring.   It takes him an entire commercial break to get there.  

Commercial Break. Just like being in the ring…with your thumb up Hillbilly Jim's ass.

Yup.   Whole commercial break.   That's how long it took him to get here. With his peach fuzz beard and metal choker, Chris Jericho addresses the crowd via his cordless microphone.   You all wish Shawn Michaels was here tonight, right?   Well too bad.   So sad.   Shawn's dead.   Here, watch this horrific video and all your answers will be answered.

Video from The Great American Bash 2008: Shawn Michaels is destroyed.   My God…why hath thou forsaken me?

Y2J+8 lets us in on a secret.   All that was the fault of the fans.   That wasn't Chris Jericho's fault.   Nah.   It was the marks who bare the burden for his courage.   Michaels wasn't up for last night's challenge, but he did it for you!   He did it for the fans!   He did it for the Rock!   Oh wait.   No.   Scratch that last one.   Jericho then makes things personal.

"When I came back to the WWE, I said I was coming back to save all of you. Then I realized you don't deserve to be saved.  You made your choice to side with a liar and an egomaniac and you'll regret that decision the same way that Shawn Michaels will regret that decision for the rest of his life.  Because as he said earlier, in all probability, Shawn Michaels's career is over."
- Chris Jericho

Think about it.   Internal bleeding.   Busted ribs.   Detached retina.   The Hemorrhaging Busted Kid has no choice but to hang it up.   Chris reminds us of that.   He also notes the irony.   Fozzy's eyes were opened as Shawn's were closed.

"He proved to me that you don't have to be obsessed with pleasing a group of people who can't think for themselves with no morals and no integrity.  People like all of you.  People who didn't accept me when I returned to WWE.  You didn't embrace me.  You never took me in your arms.  You vilified me.  You cut me down.  You booed me. You ignored me.  You wanted the wild and crazy guy with the long hair that told the jokes.  I am not that man any more.  I am matured.  I am grown up.  Shawn Michaels never has and none of you ever have either.  And as disturbing as this might sound, I'm actually proud of what I did.  I'm proud of what happened to Shawn Michaels last night.  And by possibly ending the career of the most corrupt, immoral, disruptive individual in WWE history, I now consider myself saved."

- Chris Jericho

Commercial Break. Don't smoke. You might stink up your bandanas.

2. Beth Phoenix pinned Kelly Kelly

It's amazing that Kelly Kelly is a babyface.   After all, you'd expect some pent up anger.   What type of parents would name their kid "Kelly" when their last name is "Kelly?"   Heartless bastards.    Bad baby naming aside, Kell took it to Beth from the get go.   She whaled away on the Glamazon and surprised many.   Then, the surprises ended.   Phoenix took control and kept Double K in pain.   The crowd began chanting for the good girl to make a comeback and she did jus that.   After a few reversals and an enziguiri that barely made contact, KKell locked in a spinning head scissors that lasted for about an hour.   It was pretty cool actually.   The two ran through some near falls, before Bethany slammed Kel's face into the mat and scored the pin.   Surprisingly, this was a very good match and indicative of the new direction WWE has taken the entire female division.

Still to come: Poopy and the Homeboyz vs. Bradshaw and Team "My Dad Hooked Up With Sapphire."

Commercial Break. A few years before he whipped it out.

Hoooo!   Jim Duggan is in the ring and he's in street garb.   Old Hacksaw isn't here to take your time, kind folks.   Jimmy will be brief.   He's here to tell us all how he's, well, thinking of retiring.   It's been 30 years.   30 years!   He won the first Royal Rumble.   He made tons of friends.   He survived kidney cancer.   He saved B. Brian Blair from a broken back and vicious rape.   That's a full career, but you know, he thought about what Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes said last week.   Maybe, they were right.

"This is a game for young men and maybe it's time for Hacksaw Jim Duggan to just pass by.   So I wanted to say thanks."

- Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Jerry Lawler can't sit by and let this go by without speaking out.   He walks up to Duggan and tells him to take notice of the rulebook.   There's nothing about age limits.   Screw Cody and Teddie.   They can't stop you from doing what you love.  No matter what they take from you, they can't take away your dignity.   Because the greatest love of all is happening to you.   You're special…

"You can do something that Barack Obama and John McCain would kill for.   Your mere presence makes people stand up on their feet and go "USA!   USA!"   Now Jim, I want to ask you, do you really want to give that up?"
- Jerry Lawler

Hacksaw says no.   Of course not.   He just needed a pick-me-up from an old old friend.   Thanks, Jerry.   Thanks old…

Hey Cody.   You know my dad had a manservant that was named after your dad's real name.

I know Ted.

That sort of makes you like my bitch in a way, right?

No, Ted.   You've asked me that five times today.

Oh.   I'm Sorry. Bitch.

The World Tag Team Champions have arrived.  Hold up, granddad.   Ted DiBiase can't hear no more.   Come on, Jerry.   Just because you like to date young girls, doesn't mean you relate to young men.   You both need to retire.   Pronto.   Cody Rhodes helps to put it in perspective.

"Jim when you won the first Royal Rumble in 1988, I was 2 ½ years old.   And Jerry when you went on Letterman and slapped Andy Kaufman, Ted and I weren't even alive yet."
 - Cody Rhodes

Ha ha.   He's young.   You're old.   Take that, ye' Olde Fart.

Lawler confirms this for himself.   Are you two saying that you didn't see the Kaufman thing on TV?   You are?   Great!   It went like this.  

SLAP!   I'm Jerry Lawler, bitch!

Cody takes five fingers across the face and sells it like Stretch Armstrong.   The Million Dollar Baby consoles him and orders the old men from the ring.   It's time for the New Generation to do their business.    With that, JBL's music plays and we're on our way to a lil' six man action…which sounds absolutely creepy when you say it like that.

Commercial Break. Are we supposed to believe that Michaelangelo wasn't stone for this shoot?

3.  John Cena and Cryme Time defeated JBL, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase when Cena pinned DiBiase

Those pre-match team meetings with JBL, Rhodes, and DiBiase have to be scary as hell for them.   If they were smart, they'd make sure there's no soap in the room until they have a few more years experience.   This match illustrates the great job WWE has done in transitioning their talent to a new generation.   In the case of Cody and Ted, many pegged them for stardom.   Shad and JTG were a surprises and good one at that.   There weren't too many who looked to them as the next big team that needs to be pushed.   But seeing them in this spot is a positive step for Raw and elevation of two young stars with a ton of potential.   The crowd reaction shows that it's working too.   With a hot crowd behind them, this one really showcased the current state of the show in a post-Hunter world.   Teddy DB is really an impressive wrestler to watch.   He emulates some of his dad's moves, but overall has a very old school mat style.   He's almost the definition of "Blue Chipper" in WWE terms.   Alongside Dusty's kid and Layfield, he worked to keep John Cena from the ring.   When John finally got the hot tag, it was The Priceless One who felt his wrath.   Dr. Thuggy went to town and battered him brutally before turning doing the same to JBL so badly that he left the ring.   That's when J.C. once again impressed the crap out of everyone.

Postioned on the turnbuckles, he lifted both Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes on his shoulders in the F-U position.   After a moment, he tossed off Cody and then slammed Ted down after.   It was really awesome.

People will still boo him, but you can't deny showings like this.   Consistently, J.C. delivers huge in the ring and can get an incredible reaction every time he shows up.

Backstage, Chris Jericho and Lance Cade are heading out for a night on the town.   As they prepare to leave the arena, they come face to face with Kane.   The monster glares and then walks off with his big shriveled green sack in his hand.  Who's he going to kill?   Stay tuned.

Commercial Break. Whack, my friend. Whack.

Video package of Generation Rescue charity and the tie in for Saturday Night's Main Event.   Tim Allen, Howie Mandel, and Charlie Sheen are all interviewed.  

4. Paul and Katie Lea Burchill defeated Kofi Kingston and Mickie James when Paul pinned Kofi

Michael Cole tells Jerry Lawler that he has confirmed that Kofi Kingston's "boom, boom" move is big in dance clubs.   That's just classic Michael Cole stuff right there.   My personal favorite Michael Cole moment was when Rico grabbed his opponent's ass during a match once and tried to ride him around the ring.   Cole yelled out, "I love that!"   Even Tazz was like, "Uh…dude, you ok?"   This one started with the women in the ring and it looked pretty snug.   Not sure if that was on purpose or not.   When the guys got in there, it looked the same way.   I'm kind of disappointed that WWE hasn't full devoted too much background information time to the Burchills.   The gimmick is pretty unique but if you don't explain too much of it, you run the risk of making them generic.   They're in desperate need of an "At Home With The Burchills" video segment.   Take me to England.   Show me the bizarre giant bathtub they share at their parents' mansion.    All those are just thoughts though. The reality is that Paul is an arse kicker.   Kingston went to leap on him, but missed.   With his ankle all messed up, Koffee was easy prey for The Burchill Neckbreaker.   Shiver me timbers.   You lost, mon.

In a back hallway, Jamie Noble is kicking it to Leyla.   He tells her that with her by his side, he'll "hit 23 every time" at the Casino.   When Batista approaches, the conversation stops.   Dave asks if Noble has seen Kane, but doesn’t get an answer.   He gets belligerence.   Nobe tells Tista to go do some weight lifting and chill out.   Rather than heed this advice, The Animal chooses to do the opposite.   Instead, he becomes enraged and slams Jamie into the wall.  Ouch.   Sucks to be you J-Me.   Hope Leyla's into guys that get their butts kicked.  

Commercial Break. You sir are no Randy Savage.

Todd Grisham is standing by backstage with C.M. Punk.   Hey, Punk.   Why take a title match?   Why not enjoy your cheap-ass win, cheap-ass?   Punky tells Grish that he's not a punky champion.   He'd rather go down swinging than taking the easy way out.   This brings in John "Creepy Stare" Layfield who informs Punker that he's going to be a transitional champion until Summerslam.   C.M. borrows a thought from Kyp Dynamite, "Yeah right.   Like there's any way anyone can know that."   We'll just have to see.   The Champion might just surprise you, Handbanana.   He just might.   You never know.   You never ever know.

Commercial Break. Now's a good time to mention that you can...Pre Order "World Wrestling Insanity Presents: Shoot First . . . Ask Questions Later" from Amazon here. Yay!

Video Recap of Shawn Michaels getting his eye knocked down his sinus passages care of Chris Jericho.  

Cue Santino.

He's still here?   I thought Vince was going to fire him.

Nah.   He's just going to job him out to Z-List Celebs and women until he quits.

Santino Marella hits the ring, take a mic, and makes a clarrification.  Last week, he was pinned by the lovely Miss Beth.  But that much was, how you say, unfair...

"I want to clarify something ok, You see last week when I made an open challenge I was to challenge a man,.   I don't fight people with fallopian tubes.   I fight people with Adam apple.   I fight people with bracciole and a cannoli."
- Santino Marella  

Cue ClubWWI.com's ….D-Lo Brown!   The host of the Lo-Down  returns to WWE and he really looks great.