Vince McMahon: Thank you for coming to the Raw 1000 party, everyone. It's great to have you all back together again. As you know, it's rare to have so many talents here at once, so that's why we had you all submit your urine for a wellness test earlier. But now that we've gotten that unpleasant business out of the way, we can kick back and celebrate. Everyone, please raise the glasses of apple juice we've had set up for you and join me in a toast.
Christian: Uh, I don't think this is apple juice.
Vince: Of course it's apple juice. What else would it be?!
Christian: It's our pee. These are the same cups you had us piss in. Mine still has Rey Mysterio's name written on it.
Rey Mysterio: (whispering) Don't worry, man. You can drink it. I didn't give them real pee this time.
Vince: ENOUGH! We're here to celebrate. Tonight marks the 1000th edition of Raw. We're the longest running weekly episodic program in TV history!
Lillian Garcia: Excuse me. Are you speaking French?
Vince: What? Shut up. It means we've had this show for a long time. That's why I invited all these old faces here today to join us. We're merging the generations - getting the F in, if you will. So please welcome Jim Duggan.
Jim Duggan: Ho!
Vince: The Berzerker.
Vince McMahon: Ted DiBiase.
Ted DiBiase: Ha ha ha ha!
Vince: The Miz.
Miz: Hoorah! Hey…wait. I'm still working here.
Vince:(fumbling through cards) Oh. Sorry. I'm reading the notes from next month's party.
Miz begins to cry.
Heath Slater: Oh come on! More old timers? You really gonna put one of these guys over me this week, Vince?! I'm the one may-ne bay-nd! I hate losing to these so-called "legends".
Vince: You know what I hate, Heather? I hate that you look like Lois Griffin. Yeah. You know how f**king hard it is to find a storyline for a guy that looks like Lois Griffin?! Seriously. You know how many times people in creative have - and Michael Hayes can back me up on this - do you know how many times people in creative have suggested we dress Hornswoggle up like a baby and have him kill you?
Hornswoggle: (British Accent) Blast! You vile woman!
Vince: Exactly! So if anyone has a problem with their push, maybe they should…
Zack Ryder: (raising his hand) Woo Woo Woo. Excuse me.
Vince: Yes, Jack.
Vince: Uh… Crack.
Vince: Look, Jack, we can play the rhyming game all day or we can get to the task at hand. So without further ado, I'd like to invite Daniel Bryan up here to the front of the room with me.
Daniel Bryan walks towards Vince. Back at the table, Hornswoggle leans over to Sin Cara.
Hornswoggle:(Still in his British accent)Hey, Sin Cara. How you uh, how you comin' on that push you're working on? Huh? Got a big, uh, big stack of merchandise there? Got a, got a nice litte storyline you're working on there? Your big push you've been working on for 2 years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling antagonist? Yeah? Got an obstacle for you to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 2 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end Sin Cara is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.
Daniel Bryan finally reaches the front. It takes him a long time because Big Show refuses to move his leg and Bryan has to climb over it Wipeout-Style.
Vince: Now, Dan, I heard you're getting married tonight.
Daniel Bryan: Ha ha. Well, yes. But you know, it's all just a storyline.
Vince: Whoa. Be careful, Danny. You'll end up breaking…
Bryan: Kayfabe. I know.
Vince: No. I was going to say your neck. You'll end up breaking your neck because I'll throw you through that f**king wall if you interrupt me again.
Vince: Anyway, I heard you're getting married. You're marrying some girl named AJ. So, we figured this was the best time to throw you a bachelor party.
Bryan: OK. I don't know if…
Vince: At bachelor parties, everyone eats bacon. Now eat this garbage bag of bacon.
Bryan: Oh come on. I thought you understood. Mr. McMahon, you know I can't…
Vince: (bursting into laughter) HAHAHAHA! That old gag. I'm kidding, Denny! Kidding! You don't eat meat. I know.
Triple H: BUT HE SURE LIKES THE BONE!
Vince: (glaring at Hunter) I thought we had a deal. You do the quiet game for the party and I'll let you pin Brock.
Triple H mimes a zippering motion across his lips, locks it, and then sticks an invisible key into the fly of his pants.
Vince: I mean, I know you're an animal lover. Right? You believe they should never be harmed.
Bryan: I do. I do. It means a lot to me. Thank you for understanding, sir.
Vince: Of course, I do. This is a bachelor party after all. What point would it be to give you things you don't like? Let's bring in something you do. Steph, get Miss Bessie.
Stephanie McMahon leaves the room and returns with a cow…wearing makeup. Dirt Nasty's "Animal Lover" plays over the sound system.
Bryan: I, uh, don't understand…
Vince: Go on. F**k the cow.
Vince: I thought I made myself clear. You love it, now do it. F**k. The. Cow.
Bryan: But I don't….
Iron Sheik:(stumbling over) Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, ehhhhh…Missa Daniel Bryan. You, eh, take dis, ehhh, cow. You take dis cow…ehhhhh….YOU TAKE DIS COW! YOU FUG-EEES-SASS! YOU FUG EEEEEEES-COW-SASSSSSSSSSS! You make him to be humbooo!
Epico: Did he just say to make it into gumbo?
Daniel Bryan, now sobbing, begins to remove his clothes.
Vince: Well, this party is about to get started for realz! Now everyone chug their apple juice. Last one to finish has to work with Ryback tonight. One…two…pee!
We kick off with an amazing video package detailing the history of Raw.
There's nothing sarcastic to say about it. It was just really well done and, when you consider that Raw history has pretty much become wrestling history, reminded us of so much. If you missed it, find it.
Anyone looking for weed? Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are selling, but that's later. Right now, they have a show to host. Tonight WWE celebrates their 1000th edition of Raw by taking one step closer to making the show 1000 hours long. We have 180 minutes, a wedding between a crazy chick and AJ, and many surprises. What surprises? If Vince McMahon told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise. We'll give you a hint, though…it's wrapped in red and on the top shelf of the hall closet. Don't peek. It's Monday. It's eight o'clock.
Oh, and it's freakin' Raw!
Hey Mr. McHeisenberg. Gatorade me, bitch.
Vince McMahon is proud and he's walking. No one ever explained what was up with that Million Dollar Giveaway set falling on his legs. Remember that? That was one of the 1000, right? Anyway, Big Mac has his swagger back.
"Wow! 1000 episodes! I would just like to say thank you." - Vince McMahon
"Thank you, Vince."- Audience
"I would also like to say…welcome to Monday Night Raw! And please welcome DeGeneration X!" - Vince McMahon
We turn to the ramp and await the Green and Black attack.
Triple H, what was your favorite Raw moment?
The one where we tied up Jim Ross, put him deep inside a coffin, and had me dry hump him while wearing a Kane mask. We hid him so good that the marks never even knew.
DX is here and they have the old school seizure-inducing entrance. The comedy act kicks off with Shawn Michaels catching his breath and Triple H staring incredulously. The duo is clad in camo, but Michaels still feels like something's missing.
"You're right, Shawn. Something's missing. You have all the gratuitous merch on."- Triple H
What can it be?
"Did there used to be more of us?" - Triple H
Oh wow! Chyna?
Is it Chyna? Fingers crossed for a drunken Chyna running through the audience with a pickaxe!
No. Who is it? Oh you didn't know?
The New Age Outlaws and X-Pac are here! The WCW Invading Jeep drives them in and Billy Gunn, who on ClubWWI.com first apologized to Triple H for his past comments about him (JG Note: What?! He did!), is at the wheel.
"St. Louis, we're about to take you on a Missouri Boat Ride straight down Memory Lane!" - Road Dogg
With that, Road Dogg Jesse James does the intro we haven't seen in years. I won't write it out here because typing it doesn't do it justice. Seeing something like that back after so much time is just awesome.
Then Triple H did his "Are you ready?" shtick. He takes a jab at his balding DeGen brethren and tells the fans…
"I promise to see each and every one of you when we turn 2000!" - Triple H
Don't you threaten me, Triple H.
He does his "Get Ready To Suck It" line but the next bit causes confusion. Billy claims the right to the next segment in the intro and Shawn insists it's his time to talk. They have a small squabble over the rights and Hunter steps in to calm the tensions down. He pulls The Smoking Gunn aside and explains why he has to give in.
"Shawn'll lose his smile…When that happens, he does weird things like posing for Playgirl and stuff." - Triple H
Ouch. The Heartbreak Playgirl says he needed the money. The crowd giggles. X-Pac apparently has no introduction at all. No wonder people were pelting him with shit by the time he left.
So what do you think?
Dude. You're not bringing that sign to the show. Did you even spell check it?!
Keeping with the Family Guy theme, Damien Sandow is dressed up for one of Stewie's sexy parties. As he approaches the nostalgia act, Sandow chastises their "crass conduct". While Sandy might be outnumbered, he won't be outthought. If he's attacked, he'll be a martyr. The call is yours.
DX huddles and Damien watches as they spin around in the huddle. Yeah. Just as the entire segment is about to jump over a cliff and into Three Stooges Territory, Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music and we can move on.
Hunter follows with a Pedigree because, well, that's what he does.
Standing over D-Sand, Mr. Ass tells everyone that if they're not down with that, he has two words for you!
"Suck it!" - Children In The Crowd
Still To Come: The Rock addresses the WWE Title…whatever the hell that means, Brock Lesnar and his dad confront Hunter or something, and John Cena cashes in his Money In The Bank because his divorce is settled and he doesn't have to hide it under his mattress anymore.
Commercial Break. CM Punk is the spokesperson in the new WWE '13 Video Game commercial. It's a rib by WWE because they know he'll get crazy tweets from angry gamers when the thing ends up being filled with more bugs than an abandoned landfill.
Boomer Sooner! The OU music plays and Evil Jim Ross is here. They say he's regular J.R., but he's got a goatee. So that makes him evil J.R. Well, that and the fact that he kills prostitutes.
1. Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, and Sheamus defeated Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler, and Alberto Del Rio
Totally not getting why Dolph Ziggler is teaming with Chris Jericho here. They just had a confontation seven days ago! None of it makes sense. I mean, Dolph has a manager for crying out loud. Vicki couldn't get him out of this contract? What about Alberto Del Rio? Does he want two tag team partners who just had an altercation last week? Doesn't he have a manager too? How is it that Sin Cara, who has no manager and barely speaks English, can have better business sense than Ziggler, Jericho, and Alberto with full management teams? All that doesn't matter. Cole knows off the top of his head that Chris Jericho is competing in his 360th match on Raw, only second to Triple H (who has 45,000). Jim Ross calls Sheamus a "Walking Slobberknocker". Now there's a t-shirt no one would buy. As for the ring action, it's all you'd expect. Everyone here can bring it and Sheamus has rapidly grown on me as a World Champion. When The Great White was left in the ring with Jericho, things looked set. That's when Ziggy jumped in and hit Y2J…wha, wha, what? Yeah. Of course he did. Despite a match full of punches, one punch from The Showoff is enough to send Chris stumbling. The Ginger Brogue Man hits the kick and scores the 1, 2, 3. Now fetch me a lass to hairspray my Bart Simpson!
Commercial Break. Speaking of Sin Cara…
Lawler and Cole asked fans to Tout their video opinions about AJ and Daniel Bryan. Then they play them so we can all laugh. Michael Cole tells me that I should Tout. I think Michael Cole should go Tout himself.
From there, we go to Charlie Sheen on Skype. Seriously. In what would have been a big deal about a year ago, Sheen speaks to the WWE Universe. He mentions how he would fit in best with "a group called DeGeneration X." That's a pretty backhanded compliment. Is he calling them cracked out 50 year olds? He also digs Sheamus and hopes he does drugs. Cole says we'll be visiting back with Charlie during the show. I hate you, Michael Cole. With every fiber of my being.
AJ is brushing her hair like Marsha Brady backstage when Layla El asks the question on all our minds. AJ, are you ready for a life without Steak-Ums in your house? More directly, are you sure about marriage to Daniel Bryan? The mere question enrages the bride-to-be. Everyone calls her unstable. But, have you looked around here? The whole place is mentally unstable. She opens the door to reveal Hacksaw Jim Duggan. After he leaves, we see Roddy Piper and R-Truth playing jump rope with "Little Jimmy". Layla says that Jimmy's dancing and the future Mrs. Bryan delivers a pretty funny response.
"He's an invisible child. How do you know that he's dancing?" - AJ
From there, we go to the last one. It's a doozy and should tell you what's become of the wrestling business.
A dude, in a hand costume, is with Mae Young. He's her "hand" all grown up. What hand? This hand.
The whole thing was beyond weird and, if Vince Russo was on the creative team right now, everyone would call for him to be fired. Segments like this make me think that one day Vince Russo is going to rip his own face off, reveal a mask, and it'll be Vince McMahon going, "It was me, Austin! It was me the whole time!"
Commercial Break. Since we're doing the nostalgia thing, they should play commercials for Silk Stalkings and Karate Fighters.
Sonic bought a commercial during Raw. During the commercial break? No. During Raw. They have a girl roller-skate up and deliver shakes to Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole.
That really happened. Cole then tackles her and Jerry locks her in a box. That part didn't.
Brodus Clay hath arrived. The F**kin' Saurus is still dancing and I can't even remember this thing feeling fresh. I was on the bandwagon at first, but it really hit a bump. As Jack Swagger prepares for a loss that he's going to stew about in his head for years, Brodus calls out his "brotha from anotha motha."
No, Dude Love. It's Dude Love. Hooray.
2. Brodus Clay pinned Jack Swagger
How long did it take you to read everything from the number two in the match result above until this word…here?
That's longer than the match.
Sad. A part of you hopes that Jack's going to jump up and put the F**kettes through a table or something. Even Cole says Jack has hit "rock bottom."
Nope. More like a Mandible Claw from a Tye Dyed Mr. Socko. Once again, the former World Champion is taken down while Foley and Clay dance around the ring. I wouldn't be surprised if the crew from Jackass popped up at the last second and tossed a port-o-potty over Swagger's head.
Elsewhere in the arena, Triple H is talking to the new woman they hired to play Trish Stratus two years ago. She's trying to teach him yoga. Immediately, you can recall the segment this one is mimicking…
Only this time, she bends the Game over and you brace for Hurricane Stephanie. Instead, we get DeGeneration X, still huddled like Little Rascals. The Game is embarrassed and the group leaves but not before making butt jokes. Well, they all leave except for X-Pac. He stays behind to play his new "skuzzy gimmick." He takes off his sunglasses and puts his arm around Trish. Then, as she trembles, he asks her - in a voice that sounds like he's been gargling with Draino - "How you been? You ok?" The segment ends and they don't show the part where X-Pac puts the soaked rag on her face.
Daniel Bryan is backstage in a white tuxedo. His groomsmen, though, seem to resemble the proverbial "men in white coats." Jerry Lawler notices this, but Michael Cole doesn't seem to care. He's just here for the free Sonic.
Commercial Break. Larry The Cable Guy is selling antacid. Larry The Cable Guy looks like the kind of guy who feeds antacid to ducks in hopes they'll explode.
Wedding time, bitches. Jerry Lawler makes the big announcement. Our preacher is here.
And he don't do nothin' but tell the truthhhh, eh, heh, heh, heh….
The Slickster enters the ring, takes to the microphone, and addresses the WWE Universe. It's just like the regular universe except in this one, Vince McMahon makes the stars put their mouths on his butt. The Doctor of Style says he's here because he was promised "yard bird." It's his slang for fried chicken. The 80s were a different time.
Daniel Bryan is out first and AJ follows. She's "radiant" in her wedding dress. That doesn't stop Jerry Lawler from doing his best Jackie Martling impression and giving us a slew of wedding jokes. Once the happy couple is in the ring, Slick begins his speech. They use AJ's full name of "AJ Lee" to give it all more authenticity. The Slickster, underestimates the "What?" chants and rambles through until the future Mrs. Lee-Bryan tells him to hurry up. He calls for any objections to this union. If not, forever hold your peace.
No one comes out. I was half hoping for Repo Man.
The Jive Soul Bro hands Daniel the ring and tells him to do his thing. The audience gets louder and louder with each word. Bryan professes his love to his grinning bride. He promises a new chapter in their life once she says, "I do."
"And then I will finally have everything I've ever wanted." - Daniel Bryan
If those aren't famous last words, I don't know what are. Maybe, "Look, this tiger is letting me stick the whole thing down to my chin in his mouth! I'll show you!"
Kamala's former reverend then asks for the "I do"s…and gets them. Both agree and all is right in the world. I haven’t cried like this since Billy and Chuck.
"By the power vested in me by the state of…" -Slick
"Wait…" - AJ Lee
"I wasn't saying yes to Daniel. I was saying yes to someone else." - AJ Lee
Slick begins looking more and more like a shocked Bernie Mac as the segment progresses. Everyone is left wondering if she's seeing people. Maybe she's saying yes to Little Jimmy?
"Another man. Another man who made a proposal to me earlier tonight." - AJ Lee
Cue Mr. McMahon.
But that makes no sense.
Dude, have you watched any of the last 1000 shows?
Vince McMahon is here. No one knows what's happening. The married Mac Daddy clears something up. He didn't make "that kind of proposal". He just wanted to make the new Raw more exciting than ever before. So the new General Manager is…
Pause for effect.
McMahon leaves. The crowd is somewhat shocked. Crazy Lee skips around her jilted husband and leaves him clutching the flowers in sadness. No explanation as to why Vince felt a psychotic 20 year old was the best person he could pick to run his top show. Bryan responds by destroying a bouquet of flowers. Poor Daniel. That was going to be his dinner. He wrecks the set and I'm kind of bored now. Wish he had done that at the start of the wedding, then we wouldn't have had to sit through it.
Question: I found Michael Hayes's tribute to Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy touching. Seriously. Terry was one of my personal favorites and, although I loved the Freebirds, his time with Steve Williams in WCW and Japan made tag team wrestling realer than it had felt in a while. The tribute was awesome. Here it is…
The only problem? Why is Michael dressed like Bob Odenkirk on Mr. Show doing his "Three Times One Minus One" character?
Back at the arena, Daniel Bryan is raging. He's still yelling when CM Punk comes out to the ring. He takes the microphone and wants to rub salt into the Yes Man's organically grown and gluten free wounds.
"I didn't come out here to rub it in your face, but you did just get stood up at the altar! Honestly, couldn't happen to a nicer guy." - CM Punk
Punky Shootster reminds the world of how poorly D-Bry treated the new General Manager. He reminds Lt. Dan that he's "the best in the world" (at ping pong - they leave that part out).
"Best in the world? You're not even the best in this ring tonight!" - Daniel Bryan
The Straight Edger grins while The American Dragon loses his meatless mind on him. He trembles and screams about being the "greatest of all time." You know what's coming?
Cue The Rock.
He's not a Rock, Marie. He's a mineral.
The Rock is here and he loves us again. Like a daddy who shows up with a baseball glove at the school bus stop once every four years, Rocky Maivia is back in the land of McMilk and honey. He rocks his way up the aisle and soaks up the cheers of the audience.
"You don't get to say who the greatest of all time is. They get to say who the greatest of all time is." - The Rock
Oh, wait. You can't tell what that means. It reads sort of confusing. When Rock said "they", he was pointing to the 1986 New York Giants.
The fans, believing themselves to be the "they" cheer. Rocky segues into his "Finally" gimmick. He gives Saint Louis an extra long Loooo and D-Bry can take no more.
"Hey! I don't know who you think you…" - Daniel Bryan
"You don't just cut the Rock off like that. No, no, no. You don't cut the Rock off like that." - The Rock
The fans chant "Boots To Asses" and the Great One calls Danny Boy "Frodo". Screw you, Frodo. Dwayne is here to talk about the WWE Championship. Get this - at the Royal Rumble - Rocky gets a title match at whoever is WWE Champion.
The crowd doesn't really pop. Neither do I. It's weird. On one hand it's the Royal Rumble - as in the six months away Royal Rumble. On the other, why the hell is this dude just getting a title shot? In the fantasy wrestling world, that's kind of a dick move, no? Get in line, Mr. Clean.
You know who agrees? Caroline Marie Punk. She answers:
"That is good news. It's good news for me too, Rocky. I'll let you fill in the blank. That 'whoever will be WWE Champion'? You're looking at him."- CM Punk
The Punk faces off with The Rock and makes a promise to beat him at Rumble time. Rocky responds that he won his first WWE Championship in St. Louis, so it's only fitting that he tells the current champion to get the belt ready. Come January of 2013, provided we all survive Mayan Armageddon, the People's Champ will be WWE Champ again…
"No! No! No! This is supposed to be about me! This was supposed to be the greatest night of my life! You want to know, do you? Do you want to know who you're gonna fight, Rocky? Someway, somehow, you are going to fight me. And not only will I be the champion, but I will be the face of the WWE!" - Daniel Bryan
Nice layup, Dan. Rocco jumps over the face comment and tells Bryan that he looks like a homeless lumberjack had sex with an Ooompa Loompa. He sings a parody of the Oompa Loompa song from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory and hits a Rock Bottom to end the segment.
Michael Cole tells us a Tout showing Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar talking backstage was "huge news". In the town Michael Cole grew up in, "huge" is slang for "stupid".
Commercial Break. WWE has a new DVD called "Undertaker - The Streak". It's 4 hours of Undertaker running through sporting events naked.
Bret Hart is here and I wish he'd put some damn Brylcreem in his hair. What's stopping that? Why do we get mop top gray haired Bret? Is there some sort of medical thing that's stopping him from doing that to his hair? Get with it, Bret. Get the aluminum foil sunglasses back while you're at it. Sheesh! What do you think this is?!
Hart's here to introduce the participants for the next match. He says it's because he's a former Intercontinental Champion. In reality, Vince McMahon just won a bet with someone that he can turn Bret into his "Howard Finkel Bitch".
3. The Miz pinned Christian to win the Intercontinental Title
The matches are kind of an afterthought tonight. With so many out-of-character look backs, matches between today's stars have a hard time keeping disbelief suspended. You almost wonder why people are even wrestling. Yes. After all these years, it's finally happened. Wrestling feels out of place on Raw. Still, both guys delivered a solid performance. The crowd cared a bit, but no one else did. Michael Cole made sure to plug that "immediately after this match" Charlie Sheen will be back. Yeah. Make sure you please don't tune away from this silly wrestling, folks.
We hate it too. We have burnt out celebrities coming up! Promise.
Blah. We get a lot of good back and forth before Miserable Mike finally capitalizes on Cage's knee problems, hit his Skull Crushing Finale, and gets a pin. Maybe I should erase that part about him from the intro…nah. A month is a long time.
Charlie Sheen is back. He hates Daniel Bryan. Why? Because Daniel Bryan isn't made out of cocaine.
Then, in my favorite Raw moment ever, Michael Cole plugs Tout…and we fade to the commercials on him mid-sentence. Ha. Deek.
Commercial Break. I've never seen the show "White Collar" but I'd imagine the bad guy is a red lipstick stain.
Triple H is here for his third segment and if you're not down with that, he's got two words for you - "Stephanie's Husband."
Hunter is still clad in DX gear but has his Gamy music. We watch a recap of his arse-kicking by Brock Lesnar. Once we all stop smiling, Helmsley asks if we're having a good time. He tells us that his fun is over for the night and now we get intense Triple H. Intense Triple H has wrinkles on his forehead and talks with purpose. Intense Triple H wants a match with Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam, he wants an answer, and he wants some Sour Skittles.
Hey! I told you to cue Brock Lesnar. You sent Paul Heyman out there.
Sorry. They look so much alike.
What? They do not!
Uh…Dude, can you keep a secret? I did peyote.
Paul Heyman is good for the money, he swears. But before he can mail it to you, he needs to address Triple H. He admits that HHH is correct about one thing. Brock Lesnar is here tonight. He's also authorized Paul to speak on his behalf.
"You want to fight Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam? You want to main event SummerSlam against Brock Lesnar? And Brock Lesnar's answer to you is no. Sorry." - Paul Heyman
Trippy suggests that he goes in the back to find Brock on his own. But when Heyman reminds him of all the lawsuits stacking up from his hot-headed nature, Hunter pauses. Is Lesnar a coward? Is he just hype?
"The big bad Brock Lesnar. Turns out he's a little bully?" - Triple H
He's not a Big Bully. That's Nick Busick.
Paul E. laughs at H's childish nature. He calls him a child and asked if he teaches his kids to act that way. Trips reacts strongly. He backs the Extremer into a corner and reminds him that children are off limits. Helmsley gets an apology…but then a lot more.
"I actually feel sorry for your children. You ever hear the line that sins of the father should be visited upon by his children?" - Paul Heyman
Uh oh, if that doesn't sound like a cue, nothing does.
OK. I just told Brock Lesnar to go the ring.
Dude! That's not Brock. That's Stephanie McMahon.
Oh. Sorry. Must be the peyote.
Nah, she looks a lot like him. I make that mistake too.
Stephanie McMahon Helmsley is here and Triple H gets his second reunion of the night. With a sneer, she tells Paul to never again speak of her children. That's when the McMahons finally get their chance to slam him down and make a video they can show their friends.
"Let's call what these lawsuits are really all about. Because they're not about Brock Lesnar. They're about you. They're about you masking your failures as a businessman. Your failures at WCW. Your failures at ECW. And your failures at WWE. You call yourself a visionary? When it comes to my father Vince McMahon, you're just looking in the rear view mirror." - Stephanie McMahon
Having just seen a storyline turned around into a real life kick in the balls, Paul tries to respond but he's told to "Shut Up." He does. She says her dad was a fighter unlike Brock Lesnar. Her kids can be proud. But she doesn't feel that everyone in the ring can say the same.
"Your children are ashamed. They're ashamed of you. They're ashamed to be your children because they know that their father is nothing more than a professional parasite." - Stephanie McMahon
Then she slapped him. He sold it like a gun shot.
Finally, in a fit of rage, he gives in and agrees to the match. He applauds how well Stephanie did with her trickery. She always gets what she wants. Is that the lesson she teaches her chil…
And she jumps him. I kid you not. Heyman gets his ass beat by Vince's daughter and I hate this segment. The way they emasculated Paul all under the guise of "selling a match" should serve as a reminder of how vindictive these people can be. You can't help but feel uncomfortable watching it play out. I'm not even a huge fan of Paul Heyman. This segment was a representation of how this family uses their TV platform to smite their foes in the most mean-spirited of ways. By the time Brock Lesnar arrives, he's practically a babyface.
I miss most of his entrance because I have my eyes closed and keep repeating "Kill her, Brock. Kill her, Brock." Rather, Brocktune zeroes in on the Game and the two exchange shots. How does it end? You guessed it. With The Game punching Brock Lesnar from the ring. The Former UFC Champion is shocked as he holds his jaw. In the ring, Triple H removes his shirt, puts on his cape, and flies to his crystal palace on Krypton.
More Touts. WWE has figured out how to make the fans into its filler. Then we watch clips of a match between John Cena vs. Steve Austin in the upcoming video game. Lawler and Cole do commentary over it for some reason. It's weird.
Video Package of the Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon feud. No one says the line, "Everyone wants to beat up their boss". I'm actually really surprised.
United States Champion Santino Marella and Hornswoggle come out to give free WWE Dolls to fans at ringside. Santino might as well give one of the kids the U.S. title while he's at it.
In the ring, Howard Finkel has taken his spot back from Bret Hart after Earl Hebner locked him in a closet. The Fink returns to his ring announcement position and suddenly it's 1988 in my head again. When he introduces Heath Slater, I can't help but picture him kissing Peter Griffin.
"Everything that has been happening to me on Raw is in the past and it doesn't even matter, people. The only thing that you're gonna remember is my match tonight because my victory is going to be epic. I'm challenging any one of those so-called wannabe Raw legends to a no-disqualification, no count out match with the One Man Band, baby!" - Heath Slater
You know who comes out? What? No. Not Repo Man. That would have been sick, right? No. It was Lita. No one knew what was happening. I half expected them to start having sex. Wasn’t' that her last gimmick?
The OMB laughs at this challenge. Ha! Slater will accept your challenge, preppy. Ring the bell. Oh wait, but one more thing...
"I just want to let you know that for tonight's match, I did hire myself a little protection."- Lita
That's when the APA arrives and, I don't know about you, but I was pretty stoked. (John) Bradshaw (Layfield) and Ron Simmons are here. Back in their Acolytes Protection Agency garb, the bodyguards from 2000 are back to protect the Hardy Girl. Seeing this, Heath backs out of the ring and up the aisle when…
Ohhhhhhh….what a rush!
I stood up too fast.
Road Warrior Animal is here. And so is Doink, Diamond Dallas Page, Rikishi, Sid Vicious, Vader, Justin Bieber, Bob Backlund, Sgt. Slaughter, and Roddy Piper. I was waiting for Bill and Ted to be behind them.
4. Lita pinned Heath Slater
The Legend Mob toss Heath Slater into the ring. Lita hits the Twist of Fate and Bradshaw hits the lariat. She then climbs the turnbuckles and hits a moonsault for the pin. Everyone cheers. Somewhere, Matt Hardy is eating grapes.
"Damn!" - Ron Simmons
Backstage, Sean Mooney is here. Nice. The broadcaster from Raw's first episode is standing by with Daniel Bryan. Stuff like this is what will make this show memorable. Goony Mooney points out D-Bry's bad night. He knows how bad it is, Sean! He's been insulted by Charlie Sheen! Screw that dude. Charlie Sheen needs Life Management and, if that guy was in front of him right now, Dan would slap the powder off his face quicker than he can say "Winning!"
Commercial Break. USA has a show called "Suits"? Suits, White Collar. Does USA have any shows that are not about clothes?
Alex Guerrero Jr. is the 100,000,000th Social Media follower of WWE. They interview him at ringside. I bet when that name came back, people were worried it was Chavo.
We got the hand out of the way. Let's do GTV. Zack Ryder is backstage with John Cena and Mean Gene. That's where he makes his theory known. Mean Gene Okerlund was behind the unexplained GTV video taping in the late 1990s. Cena doesn't get it and just as you think we're about to get another hokey pokey artichokey segment, The Rock shows up.
He's not a Rock, he's a mineral. I know. But whoever Dwayne Johnson is this week, he's here. He goes face to face with The Doctor of Thuganomics and all the others get lost. The meeting appears to be cordial and involve nothing more than a "good luck" from the Great One. It turns hostile when it comes to The Rocky Road To Royal Rumble. We get some underlying tension, but ultimately a lip-biting attempt to make nice…for now.
Commercial Break. I'm pretty sure Bob from Bob's Discount Furniture invented the term "Valuepedic". In fact, USA followed his commercial with a Sleepy's mattress commercial. I looked away during the transition between them and had to rewind to make sure Bob's wasn’t a fictitious character Sleepy's put in the commercial to mock their competitors.
We're back with a Big Red Monster. Almost three hours in and Kane hasn't raped anyone. No one has accused him of rape either. What's become of Raw? You've changed, Raw. You've changed. Kaneo gets into the ring when suddenly...
Jindar Mahal's music hits and most people have no idea who the hell it is. I swear, for a second, I thought it was Muhammad Hassan. Instead Jinder comes out with Hunico, Camacho, Drew McIntyre, Reks, and Curt Hawkins. Seems these six men have been overlooked for the past 999 episodes of Raw. They will be overlooked no more. Consider them a heel version of Misfits In Action without an army theme or suggestive nicknames.
The heels surround the ring and we all wonder who can help the big Red Machine. Is there anyone in the house who can make it lightening inside? We need you now!
Bong, bong, bong. The Undertaker rises from the smoke. His outfit is really sick. With spikes on the arms and metal along his hood, Taker continues to update as he goes and demonstrates how changing your look keeps you fresh. Undie joins his brother of destruction in the ring and awaits the attack from the 2012 Natural Born Thrillas. He removes his hood, reveals his Juice from Sons of Anarchy hairdo, and all we need is a fight.
The heels attack and get, well, the crap kicked out of them. The crowd stays sluggishly silent until the obligatory double chokeslam and Tombstone. They timed it great. The afterwards stuff? Not so much.
Hawkins and Hunico didn't get taken from the ring and, after what felt like an eternity, a visibly annoyed Undertaker had to roll them away. It was awkward.
When they were gone, we learned why they needed to go. UT dropped to one knee and the duo did their classic pose. Yeah. Not good. I'd venture to say at least two of the bad guys in this last fight will be free to join TNA pretty soon.
Commercial Break. If you're on the "share everything" plan with your Dad through Verizon, just go into his wallet and take what you want. If he catches you, show him the paperwork from Verizon and say, "Ha. I own you, bitch."
Charlie Sheen is back and it becomes evident that we're getting a Daniel Bryan vs. Charlie Sheen feud. He issues a vague challenge and it looks like The American Dragon is going to be putting over the Tiger's Blood Warlock soon. That ought to send the smart marks running and screaming into the night. Winning.
John Cena, what was your favorite Raw moment?
The one where I made some jokes and then someone insulted me for telling jokes. I got real serious but then an authority figure put us in a match. Then I won the match, but then I got beat up after.
6. John Cena defeated WWE Champion CM Punk via disqualification
Despite blowing past the 11:05 time limit, this match is pretty slow paced at first. It works as both John Cena and CM Punk work the crowd into a frenzy. Although he got a mixed reaction as usual, Cena was pretty popular with this crowd. The way WWE spent the entire show leading to this match without jamming it down everyone's throat seemed to help too. It genuinely felt like a main event. By the time the referee was bumped from the ring, you knew you had something brewing and it didn't look good for the Marine. As I mentioned in an audio the night after his win, slumping Cena becoming the first ever losing Money in the Bank challenger would be a great step in his story. All this is going through our minds with an unconcious referee on the outside…as Big Show arrives.
The Giant prepares his punchin' fist while CM Punk watches from the corner like a bit of a douche. B.S. nails his punch and takes his leave. When he does, The Champion carefully gets up, looks around, and retrieves the referee. He agonizes a bit, pushes the referee back in the ring, and gets himself a pinf….
No! He kicked out!
Lawler points out that the Champion knows pinning John wasn't the right thing to do. Uh…quick question. If he doesn't want to pin him like that, why not tell the referee that Big Show punched him? Sure, Punk would lose the match by DQ, but at least he'd still be champion. Makes sense, no? I mean, hell, I'd just pin him too. But Punk is practically biting his fingernails off at the decision. If it eats you up so badly, just get DQed, you dipstick.
Anyway, back in the match, Punk goes for a GTS but Big John reverses it on the way down and locks in the STF. That's when Big Show comes back, hits him, and gets the disqualification anyway. Yeah. You just wasted five minutes crying about nothing, CM Punk.
After the bell, the Pipe Bomber did nothing but stand by while Show tore into the Money in the Bank failure. He didn't save him. He didn't even look. Thankfully, someone was there who cared for John. Someone who loved him. Someone like Rocky.
The Great One showed up and battered Biggie with punches. He then set him up for the People's Elbow, but was clotheslined...by Punk. As Dwayne got to his feet, the former Nexus leader got in position, lifted him up, and nailed him with the Go To Sleep. #KneesToFaces CM is a baddie and now his phony agonizing over the pinfall makes sense.
Rock and Cena have been taken out. We get no Stone Cold as your new Straight Edge Superheel takes his spinny belt and goes home. For the 1000th time, we fade to black.
All in all…This show's going on a DVD. It's the 1000th Raw. They put together an episode that, despite its faults, was memorable purely because of what it was. Wasn't the best show, by far, but it had enough memorable moments to justify all of us watching.
Lots of nostalgia was expected and delivered. With legends all around, we were reminded of how long Raw's history is.
Tons of former ClubWWI.com gueststhat I had a chance to speak with were there and you can't help but be a kid again when stars from a past era arrive unexepctedly.
The flip side to all this happy is the Paul Heyman-Stephanie McMahon segment that reminded you of how callous these people can be. This show is run by the McMahon family and if Heyman being verbally bitchslapped and then literally bitch slapped didn't remind you of that, Triple H singlehandedly beating a former UFC Champion from the ring when John Cena could barely match him did.
AJ is the new General Manager. It makes no real sense and is another authority figure storyline. Maybe it's me, but I'm just tired of it. It seemed like a stale way to walk out of the wedding and, although the end result was a Bryan rejection and meltdown, didn't really seem to create Must See TV next week.
The Hand Thing was stupid but it's 2012. That's what they do now. One day there'll be a Vince Russo mask on the floor of Titan Tower and you'll say, "Guttman called it."
The biggest problem with three hour shows is that you forget almost everything that happened. By the time hour three rolled around, the DX reunion felt like it happened ten years ago. It's hard to keep your audience's attention this long and constant reminders of what we just saw can only fill so much time. I only hope that they restructure this first hour into something more unique than just "more Raw". If not, it's going to be a long next couple of months.
Oh, and they didn't use Ryback, but I wanted to use this pic. Here it is. Figures they'd leave him off the show I made a picture of him for.
Yeah. There you go. Tout about it. That does it for me. There's a special guest lined up for tomorrow on the Club. So be sure to check back. Thanks for reading this monstrosity of a 20 page report. Be Well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!