JG's 7/27 NXT Insanity: The Night The Mustache Died

So in last week's edition of JG's NXT Insanity, I accidentally told everyone that Florence Henderson was my top secret WWE source and had passed along info that she found in a dumpster behind Titan Tower. Needless to say, they fired her. Luckily, though, she called TNA, mentioned she had just worked for WWE and - BAM! There she is. So now, Flo is my top secret TNA source. See how that works?

Here's the thing - TNA doesn't have a dumpster. They do, though, have a bucket out back that they use for trash (and that Don West spits in sometimes). In it, Florence found some top secret future plans for Total Nonstop Action after their latest reunion down memory lane angle runs its course. Man. I thought WCW nostalgia followed by ECW nostalgia was the end of it all. Oh, how wrong we were...

Bound For Glory: Get Some Gagne On Ya!

Concept: An All-AWA Pay-Per-View headlined with Nick Bockwinkel vs. Larry Zbyszko in a falls count anywhere steel cage match.

Pros: Larry said he'll help us with our golf swing.

Cons: We don't know how many AWA people are actually dead or even who they are. Only a few people here know what the AWA is. Vince Russo asked if it was a rap band named "Asians With Attitude." We all had a good chuckle.

Introduction Angle: Greg Gagne shows up in the Impact Zone. He pins AJ Styles in four minutes. Afterwards, he goes into the dressing room to urinate. Orlando Jordan follows him and gathers it in a small squirt bottle. He then shoots it on himself and on people in the audience. This leads to our tag line - "Get Some Gange On Ya!"

(Note - If Greg refuses to participate, there's some guy named Dale who offered to do it in his place.)

Matches:

Bockwinkel vs. Zbyszko (Falls Count Anywhere Cage Match)
Buck Zumoff vs. Col. DeBeers (Ladder Casket on a Pole Match)
Nord The Barbarian, Baron Von Rashke, and Eric Young vs. Mike Enos, Col. DeBeers, and Jerry Blackwell Jr. (Amazing Red in a Fat Suit)

Orlando Jordan vs. Greg (or Dale) Gage (Squirtbottles, Ladders, and Chairs Match)
20 Minute Interview with Dixie Carter

Lockdown: Team TNA vs. Team GLOW

Concept: The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling declare war on TNA - proclaiming themselves to be the real "T&A"

Pros: Everyone here knows what GLOW is. Also, Jackie Stallone said she'll read all of our palms.

Cons: Vince McMahon doesn't already own it.

Introduction Angle: Mick Foley goes on a search for Hollywood Hogan. We film some mini-movies with him that culminate in him going to Hollywood and Vine, where he runs into Hollywood and Vine. They tell some Hee-Haw style knock-knock jokes and then we all enjoy some cake.

Matches:

Jackie Stallone, Sally The Famer's Granddaughter, and Big Bad Voodoo Mama vs. AJ Styles, Rob Terry, and The Pope (Four Sides of Steel)
Mount Fiji vs. Abyss (Monster's Nuts Match)
Jeff Hardy vs. Ivory Ferrari vs. Eric Young vs. Mr. Anderson (Glowstick on a Pole Match)

Spanish Red vs. Amazing Red
40 Minute Interview with Dixie Carter

TNA Destination N XT

Concept: An entire pay-per-view devoted to former WWE developmental talents plus Daniel Bryan. The winner gets a WWE Hall of Fame ring, which we rename "The Ring of Honor."

Pros: Vince McMahon already owns it. People on the Internet like Daniel Bryan Danielson. We want people on the Internet to like us because then they leave us nice messages on Facebook.

Cons: None really. We thought that it was illegal to use the WWE owned "NXT" letters in the title, but Terry Taylor assured us that you can't copyright letters because they're part of the alphabet and that's public domain. It made sense so here we are.

Introduction Angle: Daniel Bryan is lowered from the ceiling in a tangled web of neckties. When he drops to the ground, he's attacked by seven rookie stars named "The Neck Cyst."

Matches:

Tyler Reks vs. Daniel Bryan (Neckties and Neck Cysts barred from ringside)

Eric Escobar vs. Atlas Da Bone

Most of the Spirit Squad vs. John Toland, Flash Flanagan, Chet the Jett, and Eric Young

75 Minute Interview with Dixie Carter

Victory Road: M.U.S.C.L.E. Invasion

Concept: Small rubber toys invade the Impact Zone. We give big handfuls of them to everyone who walks in.

Pros: They're M.U.S.C.L.E. figures! Who doesn't like M.U.S.C.L.E. figures?! They're freaking great! Yay!

Cons: You can't eat them. If they were candy, they'd be perfect.

Introduction Angle: Nothing. We just bribe our audience with M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. Everyone who orders the show gets them. Everyone who comes to the events gets them. Everyone gets them

Matches: 360 Minute Interview with Dixie Carter (We double the M.U.S.C.L.E. figure handouts to everyone who orders)

NXT Theme Plays. They are wild and young.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, Michael Cole is the smooth pimp daddy that loves the ladies and Josh Matthews is his personal manservant Hecubus, ready to rock your world. The Coked Up Coler is locked and loaded for tonight's show and with good reason. After all, it's not every week we get a wild non-wrestling competition where the rookies look foolish for our amusement. Oh wait…yes we do.

With that, we shoot over to Matt Striker.

"Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!"

Striker introduces each remaining rookie. They come out one by one rapid succession while the mentors view from their bar chairs on the stage. The hopefuls enter the squared circle to some generic 2001 hard rock pop nonsense song that plays so loud you can't hear anything. Seriously. It drowned Matt out as he explained the voting process. With that, we head to the challenge. Every star gets to speak for a minute about anything EXCEPT why they don't want to be eliminated. First up:

Lucky Cannon Fact: Lucky is neither lucky or a cannon. Discuss.

Lucky Cannon spoke on "friends" and was mercilessly booed. It was painful. He did some stupid thing about his best friend being named "nobody." Can it get worse than that? Yes. Who cottonwould do worse, you ask?

Eli Cottonwood Untrue Fact: Eli's original name choice, Eli Velvetboner, was already trademarked by a Bulgarian Porn Star.

Eli Cottonwood does some poem about "I". He says he can do something that no one else can do. He can "look in the eyes of a giant or the WWE Heavyweight Champion and lastly, (he) can look in the eyes of The Dead Man himself, The Undertaker."

"He can look in my eyes and put me to sleep."
- Michael Cole

Husky Harris Untrue Fact: Ezekiel Jackson isn't out with an injury. Husky Harris ate him. WWE just doesn’t want to tell anyone.

Husky Harris speaks about "husky." He basically gives a shout out to all the full figure sistas like himself who know they look good. Shake it, girlfriends. Woo-woo.

Kaval Untrue Fact: Kaval annoys people backstage with his Jerry Lewis impression.

Kaval had a dream. He had a dream that was inspired so much that it hurts. Just as I start typing up wise ass remarks, he name-drops "Low Ki." Also, some sort of fire alarm thing started going off. Seriously.

Michael McGillicutty Untrue Fact: For Mike's tenth birthday, his father, Mr. Perfect, gave him a stolen hotel towel.

Michael McGillicutty won't give Matt Striker his topic. I don't blame him. I think Striker was using "topic" as an innuendo for "booty." McGillicutty called out Miz for calling him out for being "mediocre." Lots of calling out all around.

Alex Riley Untrue Fact: Alex does the voice of Butters on South Park.

Alex Riley said his topic was Starbucks. Then he went on to talk about anything else but Starbucks. He called out Kaval for his Morgan Freedman voice and Percy Watson as an Eddie Murphy wannabe. He didn't even say Starbucks until after the speech ended. Way to stay on point, Al.

Percy Watson Untrue Fact: Percy's name comes from Percy Pringle and Emma Watson; the two people he secretly wishes were his parents.

Percy Watson does a speech about how we all need to do our thing. He tells the people to get "Percified" and, I have to be honest, he verally beat the crap out of everyone else in the ring. By far, the best promo of the group.

Of course, Michael Cole liked Alex Riley best because Michael Cole is never right about anything. With all the fun behind us, we move on to a video showcasing "Showtime" Percy Watson. You know what WWE should do? They own the footage from WCW, right? They should start his music with Sting screaming out, "It's Showtime, Folks!" Now that would be awesome. Take that, Crow.

Commercial Break. "Audiences everywhere can't stop talking about America's #1 Hit Movie." I don't believe that. You mean to tell me that audiences at ballets and executions are talking about Leonardo DiCaprio? Nah. I'm not buying it.

1. Percy Watson pinned Zack Ryder

Michael Cole and Josh Matthews mention "Long Island" about 1400 times during this match. I guess once he went back to regular grown-up trunks, it was the last part of Zack's gimmick still intact. You know what's funny? I considered Percy the favorite during this match. I just assumed he'd win. Yeah. I assumed the rookie would just pin the former tag champ. That doesn't say a lot for Ryder…although he's got his former partner Curt Hawkins beat so far. Losses like this won't keep him there, though. Eddie Murphy gets the pinfall after a leaping elbowdrop. What? Yes. Leaping elbowdrop. Watson calls it "The 1983 Finishing Move."

Eli Cottonwood's gimmick is that he's a dope. John Morrison shows us that by not only wearing a "Mustache" t-shirt, referencing Eli's disastrous promo challenge a few weeks back, but also by showing Eli, who's also wearing the shirt, footage of his doubly disastrous obstacle course performance last week. John mocks the Giant and is taken back when he hears Eli's plan for his match with Michael McGillicutty tonight. It's one word - "Mustache." Yeah. We're going for random laughs now. One of those gimmicks that's so stupid people like it because they think it's hip. Now go buy your Mustache shirts. We have commercials to watch.

Commercial Break. I really want to see "The Expendables." I haven't wanted to see a new movie for a while now. Good to know Hollywood hasn't completely abandoned the "People Who Hate Crap" demographic.

Last Week on NXT - an obstacle course gave Michael McGillicutty immunity. I told you in the first paragraph that they did this stuff every week.

2. Michael McGillicutty pinned Eli Cottonwood after a swinging neckbreaker

I don't get Eli Cottonwood's gimmick. He's all greasy and balding. He wears dress pants and a belt with no shirt. I don't get it. Is he the crazy giant that lives in the attic? I can picture him in some sort of musty hidden room in the top of a house, writing his memoirs, drinking cognac, and killing the neighbors. That would be creepy. But no. Instead, he's Gene Snitsky circa 2004. Only, you know, without the baby punting. Know what else I hate? Hah? Do you?! Why are the mentors allowed to stand on apron during the match? Isn't that dangerous? Who allowed it? Make them get on the floor! I remember a time when Gorilla Monsoon would be questioning their manager's licenses. Why is Dino Bravo out there with the Dream Team, Brain? He doesn't have a manager's license! Give me a break! In the end, Mike remains perfect and Eli takes a mustache ride to Loserville. Now that's Perfect. Junior.

Backstage, Ashley Whats-Her-Face smiles her way through a cue card about the voting process tonight. She then introduces a video honoring Kaval. The general consensus is that he's too serious. No worries on that, Kav. Once The McMansons put you in a dress with makeup and a big blonde wig, it'll all be cake from there.

After the video, we go backstage to seeKaval having a backstage discussion with Lay-Cool, when he's nudged by a passing by Husky Harris. The two exchange some unpleasantries that seem to revolve around Low-Ki's low height and the fact that Husky is going to get his just desserts in the ring. Mmmm. Just desserts.

Commercial Break. Pizza Hut has 50 cent wings on Wednesdays. The trick is that they lock the front door and then charge you for toilet paper. That's how they get you.

Cody Rhodes Untrue Fact: Cody's mom won the coin toss over his father, Dusty, for his naming. Had his mom lost, Cody would be named "Lickety Split Fried Chicken Dining with Kings and Pork and Beans Baby If You Will Rhodes."

3. Husky Harris pinned Kaval

Cody Rhodes stood in the corner for his Husky homeboy while Lay-Cool looked-on at Low-Ki. Seeing these two fight was like watching a match from the first UFC PPV. You know, when the huge guys fought the little guy with a black belt. You know what was great about this match? It proved my point about the dangers of mentors on the apron. An inadvertent rope bump by Harris sent Layla and Michele McCool flying to the floor below. When Senshi showed compassion, Double H took advantage, nailed a Ghostbuster, and scored himself a big ol' pin.

Husky shouldn't feel bad about not caring for Lay-Cool. Matt Striker doesn't either. He jumps in after the match, goes, "Yeah. We're all sorry for Lay-Cool, but…let's move on." It was like, "Yeah. You know. F**k them. We gots stuff to do, kid!" He hypes the upcoming elimination and then shows why he wins the Miss Melodrama award for SyFy Network with this hook…

"Someone's dream will die."

- Matt Striker

Commercial Break. Fastfood joint Sonic has hotdogs for sale. They call them "Conies". You know what? If you don't know the proper name for a friggin' hotdog, I'm not buying a hotdog from you. Sorry. It's just a personal rule I have.

Raw Rebound: Team Nexus beat the hell out of WWE C Team. Evan Bourne was frightened like a widdle beeotch. Throughout the rest of the night, WWE A Team showed cracks. Wait. That didn't sound right. What I meant to say was that they all showed cracks, had some heat, and worried they would be screwed by each other. Yeah. That sounds better.

Speaking of Nexus, did you know…

Heath Slater Untrue Fact: Heath made his TV debut in 1987 as Arnold's brother, Sam, on Diffr'ent Strokes.

Announced for Summerslam: Team Nexus vs. Team WWE. Randy Orton vs. Shamus. Rey Mysterio vs. World Champion Kane.

Commercial Break. SyFy: Imagine Greater. Don't tell me how to imagine, you fascists!

It's elimination time. Only one of the rookies can win and earn a WWE title match on pay per view. But one will be evicted, banished, voted off the island, executed, destroyed, eaten, and regurgitated.

The rankings are:

1. Michael McGillicutty

2. Kaval

3. Alex Riley

4. Percy Watson

5. Lucky Cannon

6. Husky Harris

Eliminated: Eli Cottonwood . Man. And they made those t-shirts and everything.

Eli is given the chance to speak to the audience, but instead chooses to attack Husky Harris. Everyone jumps on him and it looks pretty insane. You kind of get the vibe that it's a shoot - which was the idea, though. He capped it off by pushing his mentor, John Morrison. It all came off really well and was the most memorable thing Cotton did the whole time he was there.

After Eli ran off, Husky Harris spoke to his detractors and Michael McGillicutty spoke to his little McGillibuddies. Pressed to fill empty time, Matt Striker then turned the mic to Alex Riley, who starts a fight with McGillicutty. It turned into a brawl that saw the return of…

…Eli Cottonwood. Yeah. They sent him back out. I'm starting to think this is a secret task. Like they were told by the Tree of Temptation or something to go out and start brawls with each other…but really sell it. I don't know. Just looked weird and overdone. Then, out of nowhere, it was over. No buildup. No notice. Things just faded to black - like getting shot in the back of the head by Vince McMahon while you enjoy a bowl of tortellini.

All in all…We're moving forward. That's what NXT is about. The good news is that the format, while monotonous at times, involves eliminations more and more as the weeks tick by. That ensures that something fresh shakes things up each week.

Poor Husky Harris. WWE has done everything but brand "Vote for This Dude" on his Husky buttsky and he still scrapes the bottom of the polls. He's got talent, though. He might not need this win anyway. He has enough talent to succeed without it. In fact, given the fan love for anti-heroes who were screwed over (ala Stunning Steve Austin in WCW), a loss might be better for H.H.'s long term plans than we realize.

Eli Cottonwood is sticking around. I can't see him going anywhere for the longer term. Lucky Cannon survives another week, Percy Watson falls down the ladder, and Mr. Perfect's kid keeps the momentum going. Regardless of results, everyone's working really hard and it shows. It makes for a solid episode and a different hour of wrestling than the other 800 on TV currently.

If you're in Arizona for a protest or a gunfight or something, be sure to check out the upcoming show of my good friends over International Championship Wrestling. I'm not just saying that either. I've known them for years and can tell you that they consistently put on great shows with former WWE talent and current TNA stars. Their next show is on August 21st in Sierra Vista with Bob Holly vs. Kyp James on top. Check out the poster:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=347233&id=113864011965977

That does it for me. Be Well and thanks for sharing my Insanity!