| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com JG's Raw Insanity
Titan Tower…Last Week…
C.M. Punk: Hi. I’m here for the WWE Press Reports.
Roger Steen: Hello. Roger Steen. Are you...(reading) Siam Punk?
Punk: It’s C.M. Punk.
Roger: Of course. My bad, Z.N. Listen, we have a lot to do today. Not sure if you realize but we have floating deadlines so many of our interviews and press coverage has to be done a few months in advance. So we’ll be covering a lot of material in a short amount of time. Plus, we have another person after you.
Punk: That’s fine. I’m ready to go.
Roger: Terrific. I like your lip ring, by the way.
Punk: Thanks.
Roger: Yeah. A little fruity for my taste, but it looks good on you.
Punk glares.
Roger: Anyway, this is for the website this week. You just answer with your first instinct. Ready? Ahem. “How did it feel to win the World Heavyweight Title from the R-Rated Superstar Edge on Monday Night Raw this past week?”
Punk: It felt great. Edge is a strong competitor and this title is the result of years of hard work. I can’t wait to show the fans that I can be an honorable and successful champion.
Roger: That’s just wonderful. OK. (shuffling index cards) Alright. This one is for WWE Magazine’s October issue.
Punk: Alright.
Roger: Ahem. “C.M. Punk, it’s hard not to feel frustration with your huge losing streak ever since dropping the World Title to the returning Big Daddy V. In fact, this past week you suffered a pinfall loss to Funaki, which reduced you to tears. How can you bounce back from such a tragic turn of events?”
Punk: Uh…what?
Roger: Great. That'll work with the concussion angle we're doing for you too. OK. This next one is for the December issue. “C.M. Punk, many fans admire your courage to come out on national TV. What lead to this revelation?"
Punk: (confused) Come out?
Roger: Yes. From the closet.
Punk: I'm gay?
Roger: The gayest. The only question fans still have is why wrestle in the pink panties? It doesn't seem comfortable.
Punk: Dude. Are you serious?
Punk: Hold up. They're really going to make me wear pink panties?
Roger: I'm sorry Mr. Funk, but we're really short on time.
Roger: This one is for next year's website hype for WrestleMania. "How are you preparing for you big match against Vladimir Kozlov?"
Punk: Okay. Okay. This one's okay. I'm training hard and working to show that big monster that I have what it takes to beat him!
Roger: Beautiful. This one is for two weeks after that. Ahem. "How do you feel about your crushing loss to Vladimir Kozlov?"
Punk: Oh my God.
Roger: ...Not only was it in a record setting time, but he also ripped off your pink panties. How will you cope with that?
Punk: Are we done?
Roger: Let's see. Uh…(shuffling cards). Oh, here's one. "World Wrestling Entertainment wishes C.M. Punk all the best in his future…" Oh wait. I'm not supposed to read that one to you.
Punk: (holding his head) I need a drink.
Roger: Don't we all? Hey send in the other guy when you leave. .
Punk walks out sadly. As the door swings shut, it immediately opens. Kofi Kingston enters. He's dressed in his new attire.
Kofi Kingston: Hello?
Roger: Hi Cokie. You look great.
Kofi: Why am I wearing this?
Roger: You, my friend, are doing an interview with WWE Magazine next year. By then, you'll be the African Dream Kofeem.
Kofi: But, I…
Roger: I know. It's not complete. Hang on. (into intercom) Helen, send in Slick.
Music plays. Well, I met this lady and I told her quite a story, said I love her forever more…
Slick: Brutha, you don't bother a brutha when he's eating his yahhhhhd bird. This is the Slickster talking atcha!
Roger: So, Koffeem, now that you've embraced your African roots…
Kofi: I didn't embrace my African roots. This is just the Akeem gimmick.
Roger: No. No. I have here in my notes that Akeem was a 400 pound white guy from Chicago. This isn't the same gimmick. Are you a 400 pound white guy from Chicago? .
Kofi: No. So what?
Kofi: But I'm wearing his outfit…
Slick: Exactably. I'll tell ya, brutha. He's got back up. Kofeem has the Afri-cools by his side. He's a jive soul bro. And when Kofeeeeeeem hits his opponents with the 747, it's turn out the liiiights….the party's over. .
Kofi: This has to be a joke, right? .
Slick: This is the Slickster talkin' to ya. I don't do nuthin' but tell the truth - ehhh heh heh hehhhh!
Roger: Great. Got it all. Thanks, Slick. You can take off.
Kofi: Can I go too?
Roger: No, we still have to film a vignette for you to air late next year. You can take the outfit off and put on that bowtie.
Kofi: Oh thank God. I…did you say "bowtie?"
Ted DiBiase Jr. kicks in the door.
Ted DiBiase: Virgil Jr….the toes! Rub my toes!
Kofi: (clutching his face) Nooooooooooooo!
PLUS...An All New Uncut 57 MINUTE Shoot Interview on Wednesday featuring a big name... WHO HASN'T DONE AN INTERVIEW IN OVER FIVE YEARS!
Last week C.M. Punk won the World Title.
For many fans, it's strange to see that last line written somewhere besides the inside back cover of their loose-leaf notebooks with a little picture of a smiling stick figure holding a belt.
Raw begins and...Oh crap. It's friggin' Stephanie McMahon. Someone's in trouble. Good news. Mrs. H isn't here to slap Jim Ross. Why? Well, because Jim Ross isn't on this show anymore, but that's not the point. The Stephanator is here to address the issue of her dear old Dad's horrible injury. Last week, her brother Shane told everyone to ease the eff up and just get along. Surprise, surprise. That didn't happen. So, once again, Steph appeals to all wrestlers, staff, production crew, vagrants, butt-scratcher salesmen, leprechauns, and Gingerbread Men for unity and common peace in this time of tragedy.
We're suddenly in the arena. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for a packed show tonight. Michael Cole has been drinking and slapping homeless people since noon and he's ready for a rip roaring night of riproarinry. By his side is the King of Memphis, Jerry Lawler. But before that, we have to excuse someone. She's in the darkened ring.
Wheelchair-bound, Vicki Guerrero is in the center of the squared cirlce as the lights come on and apparently she just farted because she keeps repeating, "Excuse me." Ew. Stinky Vicki has something to say, so stop staring at her cleavage and pay attention. The issue here is that while Vinnie Mac's little princess might ask for love and understanding, Edge's former fiancée is the General Manager of Smackdown and she has some things to discuss that aren't so peaceful. She cuts the cheese once more, says "excuse me," and then states her case.
"Tonight I am here to protest C.M. Punk becoming the WHVC. I am not leaving this ring until C.M. Punk surrenders the championship to me. IN addition to that. I want an apology. No. I am demanding an apology."
Siam…they're playing your music.
The music plays and the Champ is here. As he walks through the curtain, C.M. Punk is wearing the top of the Cobra Kai's Halloween costume and carrying his belt on one arm. Gassy Vicki excuses herself once again and questions the gall of Punk to celebrate his win last week. The fans chant his name and she apparently lets another one rip. .
Blurrrrrrrrrrp!
"EXCUSE ME!"
She calls out the Punker on his opportunistic ways last week. You preyed on Edge and now you're destroying him emotionally! Guerrero tells the tale of how sad ol' Adam's depression has even lead to his decision to call off their bizarre nuptials. This causes the Champion to excuse himself for a change. Nice try, Mrs. G. What C.M. did was more like a favor. After all, you didn't need Edge. There are plenty of fish in the Smackdown sea. Why not marry the Great Khali? According to Punk, "You guys can actually honeymoon in New Delhi"
How dare you, sir? You may insult Edge. You may insult Vicki. But HOW DARE YOU INSULT NEW DELHI!? This raises Victoria from her wheelchair so she can slap Punky right in his punky face. Oh no she di'in't! That slap brings out yet another familiar face.
YEE-HA! Hello? Energy Drink company? This here's J.B.L.! Listen. I want to add to the Mamajuana brand. Yeah! Ready? Write this down. Mocaine. Hemoin. Exmacy. Horse Tranquilmizers. Got it? Good! BUY! SELL! YEE-HA! Ooooo! Dat rascly rabbit!
John Bradshaw Layfield is on the scene and he's having none of this nonsense. Hey, Straight Edge, if it wasn't for outside interference, you'd be a former champion. Yeah. That's a fact, Blackjack. So let's make things right. Let's do the whole thing over again. If Mr. McMahon were here…
…Yeah? But Mr. McMahon ain't here, Cowboy. You had your chance and you blew it like a tissue, dillweed. You got pinned, 'member? So no go on any rematch! This brings an argument from Bradshaw. It also brings out a Marine in jean shorts.
Your time is up. John Cena's time is now. That's what he's suddenly walking up the aisle. When he enters the squared circle, it's comedy time. We start things off with his A-Material, I guess. God help us all.
Cena kicks things off by talking about how JBL had him kicked out of the arena.
I kid you not.
The Doctor of Thuganomics follows up by shaking hands with C.M. Punk and congratulating him for making sense. (JG Note: I should also congratulate him on shaking hands with Mr. Three Hour Poop. Yuck.) After all, Punk knows that someone else deserves a title shot. Not Bradshw. That person's name is also…John, though! That's right, Cena should be getting a title shot. When Layfield argues, J.C. goes back to his favorite fetish.
"Take off your diaper.
Stop pooping yourself."
Man. Someone's material has a weird theme this week. Johnny C. knows what will make things right. He makes a proposal. How about we determine the number one contender for the World Title at the Great American Bash? How about we do it tonight and book John Cena vs. John Layfield…winner takes the title match? Sound good? Layfield appears happy. Punk too. Anyone else out there who might have a problem with that? Someone with metrosexual sunglasses and a buzz cut perhaps? Who fits that bill?
Oh yeah! Batista! Davey B isn’t here just to look stylish. Oh no no. He has some things to address. He does just that. In this order:
C.M. Punk: Way to go. You earned your shot. We all love you. Nice hair.
Vicki Guerrero: Sorry to see how sad your life is now. Psyche! You su-ck, Sucko!
When Tista turns his attention back to Punk, JBL cuts him off. That leads to a threat of violence from the Animal and an opportunity for Dr. Thuggy to amend his earlier suggestion.
How about we do it up three way style? Layfield. Cena. Batista. Does that work for you Deacon Dave? The former Evolutionary seems cool with that idea. The same can't be said for the grumpy stock mogul.
Huh? Bradshaw ain't hearing that, see. The Republican Barbarian objects to the prospect of adding Leviathan to the mix. However, after hearing some arguments in favor of it, he agrees. Pick and choose your battles, right? Fine. Dandy. Everyone's happy now?
Wrong.
The Big Red Fire Engine Machine, Kane is here for some unknown reason. What could it be?
Oh.
C.M. Punk likes this idea as well. He makes the whole shebang a Fatal Four Way and that's that. Let's make that happen, uh, the late Jack Tunney…or whoever the hell is in charge now. Book it. Sign it. Sign and book it. Whatever need to be done - do it.
Still to come: Rey Mysterio vs. Santino Marella.
Commercial Break. Ghetto Video Games. Fun for the whole family in 1973.
Last week, Santino Marella called Rey Mysterio "Batman." It made Jim Cornette so mad that he killed a drive thru attendant at Taco Bell.
1. Rey Mysterio pinned Santino Marella after a Swan Dive.
I've come to accept the Santino Marella thing for what it is. This is his spot. He's not the guy they build up Mysterio to feud with. He's the guy that Rey beats while someone else is built up. The guy has a ton of potential, especially with his gimmick, but it is what it is. Some guys get pushed. Some guys don't. Over time, most of them switch roles. Marella better hope that day comes soon. Rey Rey didn't even use the Six Hundred and Nineteen to defeat him. It was a simply flying swan dive that did him in. Put that in your mustache groomer, Pisano.
Still to come: Shawn Michaels talks to Chris Jericho. I love when wrestling hypes talking in order to keep you tuned in. Seems so backwards. It's like a talk show hyping wrestling after the break. You never hear Dr. Phil say to stick around for the 60 minute Iron Man Match.
2. Kelly Kelly and Mickie James defeated Jillian Hall and Layla when Kelly pinned Jill
Did you ever think that if someone like Kelly Kelly got into an accident and messed up her face, she'd be unemployed? That's got to be scary. Insure that thing, Double K. The Women's roster has more depth now than it ever has. Think about it. Every week we get a female match and it's not usually the same divas. That says a lot. This one seemed to go a bit long. It wasn't bad, really, just a bit pointless. The idea was to showcase some new Raw girls with established ones. Of course that means that one of them gets the pin. In the case, it was Mike Knox's ex that got the duke.
Just as the match ends, JBL's limo comes out. Now, the guy who drives the thing out there usually leaves the scene after parking. After all, he's just an extra. The reason why this is important? Because instead of a wide shot, the camera was right next to the driver's door this time around when the thing parked. Out of nowhere, some random guy jumps out of the car and runs immediately behind the curtain. I didn't know what was going on at first. You think he's going to open the door for Bradshaw, but instead he just takes off. Funny stuff.
John Cena. That's who. J.C. pops out of the back and - shock, shock - he has a microphone.
“You see, last week, you had me thrown out of the building for your protection. Then tonight, you didn’t want to be in a triple threat, for your protection. Now, I know I’m in your car. I saw your limo earlier and for your protection, I have brought it back out here. You see, everybody in here knows the department of motor vehicles for Louisiana has very strict laws against limousines. There is no way this thing is gonna pass inspection. Oh wait a second, wait a second. You’re in luck. For your protection, I know two guys who can buy parts fast and fix cars quick.” Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo…pop some Rolaids and shoot your mailman. It's Cryme Time. Go Brooklyn…
JTG and Shad Gaspar materialize and have weapons in their hand. Yup. It seems that it's time for the Homeboys Detailing Service. The Timers stand by and wait for Slim Shady to read them their list of fix-its. They respond to each one by doing as they're told.
Official Louisiana Limousine Regulations
1. Passenger Side Window needs to be broken off. 2. The Windshield needs to be beat with a pipe. 3. The Tinted Windows need to be broken.
(JG Note: You know, between you and me, I'm starting to doubt the list of official Louisiana limousine regulations that Cena has. It seems like it's gotta be at least like outdated or something, right? I don't want to accuse him of lying, but…it just, it just sounds strange to me.)
Oh…and in addition to all that, we have a surprise! For free – you get a paintjob! That's right. That's ain't slang for some sort of strange sex act. That's paintjob as in paintjob. The kinda paintjob that only Dr. Thuggy and his Criminal friends can give your limo with some spray-paint cans.
Cena tells the fans that Bradshaw's ride is finally up to Louisiana code. No one in the crowd stops to think, "Hey. Is he saying that we all have ghetto looking cars in Louisiana?" Instead they give him some polite applause. Yay. That's really good the way you guys destroyed that limo, John. Real good. Now wish it into the cornfield.
Still to come: Fatal Four Way, The Cowboy vs. The Redboy vs. The Animalboy vs. White Bread Fred "The Limo Killer."
Commercial Break. Who could forget "The Nature Boy" Kembo Spencer?
3. C.M. Punk pinned Gene Snitsky after the G.T.S.
C.M. Punk's first week as World Champion has him in there with Meatwad? I love Snitsky, but…well, actually I don't love Snitsky. He's one of the most generic monster gimmicks I've ever seen. At least when he was punting babies, he had the whole, you know, punting babies gimmick. Now he's just ugly. That's his gimmick. Oh, and he loses too. That's another favorite of Gene's nowadays. The new Champion made quick work of Snitty. In a great show of power, Punk lifted El Disgusto onto his shoulders and caved his busted mug in with the Go To Sleep. Snits responds by – you guessed it – going to sleep.
Shawn Michaels is all vulnerable and bruised. Stick around. .
Commercial Break. Wow. Has it already been a whole year since I was disappointed again?
Bruised, battered, broken, beaten, and other sad adjectives that begin with “b,” Shawn Michaels arrives on the scene. Beneath his cowgirl hat, HBK's face hides a sad man. He has something to face. After all, last week he was challenged by Chris Jericho to a match at the Great American Bash. So, Chissy Boy, we know you’re listening, so hear this. The Midnight Rocker…accepts. Now how do you like them apples?
Chris Jericho shows up immediately and he has his, uh, "friend," Lance Cade, by his side. Sporting a goatee and Elroy Jetson hairdo, Cade stares down his trainer and allows Y2J to lay the Canadian Smackdown on the Smile Loser.
“I knew you were going to accept my challenge, Shawn. As a matter of fact, I was counting on it. Because even though that eye of yours is a lot worse than you’re letting on, I still knew that your pride and your massive ego and your desire to please all these people would supersede your concerns about your personal health. I found that out a month ago at One Night Stand in your stretcher match with Batista, right? How stupid are you, Shawn? All I had to do was come down to the ring when you were on the stretcher and say, ‘Shawn, get up.” Give you a little bit of a pep talk, you popped off the stretcher, went right into the Lion’s Den and took another terrible beating. What are you, an idiot?”
The funniest part? At that exact moment, Michaels was standing there with the dumbest expression ever.
Y2J claims to know that Shawn is in bad shape simply because he hasn’t attacked him yet. I guess the fact that he might just be turning the other cheek isn’t an option. Jericho calls Saint Hickenbottem a martyr. For who? For the fans? For what? Fugghettabout it! They wouldn’t visit you in the hospital. They won’t support your family, You want another feather in your cap? Take it. But face it, Shawn, you’ll be forgotten.
Heartbreak grows tired of the games and lays it all on the line. You know why you’re a hater, Chris? Simple. It’s because Shawn is in a class unlike any other. He could leave the business today and be remembered forever. (JG Note: Unlike say…J.T. Southern. Remember him? No? I rest my case.) The Man Toy has lived his life in front of the people for years and despite all that, the fans still love him.
Y2J pulls the Barrack Obama card and tells the Rocker that’s he’s had free pass. He’s never called out for his errors. The audience lets him skate by. This isn't lost on Shawn.
“What can I say, Chris? I’m HBK.”
Little affected, but okay. Whatever floats your boat there, Charlie. Chris concedes the point, but questions the fairness. Shawn agrees. Yes. It’s not fair. You, Lionheart, have had a kick-ass career too. You’ve done it all. Unfortunately for you, though…
“In spite of all that, you’re not content. In spite of all that, you’ve got no peace. And In here to tell you Chris Jericho and in spite of all your accomplishments. No matter what you ever, ever achieve. You will never be me.” Segment ends. Great stuff. Jericho and Michaels are going for something deep here and it’s hitting on all cylinders each time out. Commercial Break. Ciao. Mi gatto e' verde. .
Watch talking about, ladies? I ain't no Jive Soul Bro. I'm lean. I'm mean. And my pocket's full of green, eh heh heh heh….
4. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston pinned Charlie Haas after a spinning heel kick.
Charlie Haas, our guest on the first ever Radio Free Insanity - available on ClubWWI, has less chance of winning the Intercontinental Title than I do.
In fact, there's this guy that lives on my block who's 85 years old and missing a leg.
He has more of a shot at winning that belt than Charlie Haas.
Pico Maleeko has more of a chance of winning it than Charlie does.
Who's Pico Maleenko?
I just made him up.
That's right. I just made him up and he has more of a chance of winning the IC strap than Charlie Haas.
That should tell you something.
In the end, Kofi landed a spinning heel kick and got the pinfall.
… Pico Maleeko and the one legged old man from my block!
Oh, wait. No. Sorry it's Paul Burchill. Paul Burchill. Wishful thinking. Paul spanked the Jamafrican into the ground – literally. He stomped the Champion's head and left him bloody, mon.
We shoot to Batista backstage. He's prepping for the big main event when he's interrupted by a "fan" who mugs for the camera before being chased off by security. Michael Cole giggled, "You gotta love live TV!" Translation: "I'm paid to laugh at this corky bullsh*t!"
5. Great American Bash World Title Challenger: Batista won a Fatal Four Way Match Over Kane, John Cena, and JBL when pinned Kane.
This was a loaded main event and the addition of Kane to the whole thing worked too. I praise Kane a lot, but he deserves it. He’ll always have a following and there’s a comfort level to him. Followers who have watched for years stay behind him. He’ll always be over with a core group of fans. Also, his recent adventures have kept him out of the ring with guys like these for a while. It was fresh seeing him scrap with John Cena or land a kick to JBL’s face, just as Layfield did the same. The battle was brutal and everyone took turns getting knocked down and gaining the advantage. There were moments where Cena looked like the sure-thing winner. There were times when Batista had it sewn up. Same with Kane and Bradshaw. It was not only the in-ring action but the uncertainty of the finish that kept you into the whole thing. In fact, you found yourself running through Punky possibilities to see how it would stack up. That’s the sign of a good multi-man match with something on the line. All the daydreaming came to an end though when the man that seemed most likely to succeed did just that. Tista speared The Big Red Machine and put any wonder to bed. It's The Animal versus the Little Guy with taped up hands at The Gabby.
.
Deacon Dave walks off while a frustrated Kane stayed behind. You couldn’t help but feel his frustration as the Monster tossed the ring steps aside… .
…and grabbed the announce table top….
.
…and screamed at the broadcast team…
…and kicked a P.A. in the face…
. …and chased Lillian Garcia away…
. …and threw the time keeper.
. Basically, it was like Bret Hart after the Montreal Screwjob only less fake.
. It wasn’t over yet, though. Kane-o turned his attention to Michael Cole. With one arm, he grabbed the new Ross by the collar and tossed him into the ring. As the commentator begged for his life, Paul Bearer’s son grabbed him by the throat, demanded that he “answer me,” and prepared for a choke slam. .
That’s when Jerry Lawler ran in and took out the Monster’s knee. He then helped his new broadcast partner to his feet. (JG Note: Yeah. Jerry takes the whole announce team relationship wayyyy too seriously. Bobby Heenan once let the Brooklyn Brawler hit Gorilla Monsoon in the head with a stool on Prime Time Wrestling. Lawler gets pummeled defending his partners all the time.) .
Cole is saved! What a heroic gesture by the King! Lawler soaked in the love of the crowd and enjoyed an amazing ovation. .
Or at least…he would have had Kane not choked him to death almost immediately. Big Red Squeezed the life out of his majesty and left him laying a heap as we fade to black.
All in all…Not bad. WWE is changing their direction and it's not just through C.M. Punk.
Without Triple H Gaming up Raw each Monday, the playing field is much wider than it's ever been. There's plenty of talent to work with and, at this point, the opportunity for someone to become a breakout star is right there for the taking. It's an environment that can showcase young guys like Cade, Kofi, DiBiase, Rhodes, Cryme Time, Punk, or others. The crazy thing? I'm really interested to see how Randy Orton fits into all this when you finally returns to the show.
C.M. and Kingston both had softball matches this week. While it's good to showcase their skills, it can't become a habit or else it'll make them look like pampered Champions. You can feed people to them but Snitsky and Haas are a bit too obvious. You might as well have put them on a luncheon platter and served them with potatoes.
Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels have the best thing going on with this show – period. An eight minute HBK-Y2J segment can overshadow an entire show. It's the type of thing that you can just picture both guys approaching with a sense of seriousness. The goal here is to make people think. There aren't too many "deep" angles on here.
The Kane vs. Lawler thing is pretty crappy. Sorry. It could go somewhere, but at this point, I'm going to go on record and say I didn't like how they introduced it. With so many great things going on during the show, it seems insane to end it on a note like this. Not a bad angle, but definitely not a show closing one.
That does it for me, guys. I'll be back in two weeks with an all new Insanity. Also, I'll be here Wednesday with a 57 minute uncut ClubWWI shoot with someone who hasn't spoken out …in over five years! Who is it? You'll see.
Also, if you haven't yet, take a look at my upcoming second book "World Wrestling Insanity Presents: Shoot First . . . Ask Questions Later" from Amazon here. We'll have much more infomation on this real soon.
Be well! Thanks for sharing the Insanity.
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