| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com JG's Raw Insanity
LINDA BODYSLAMS THE COMPETITION IN A SMACKDOWN BRAWL FOR U.S. SENATE'S WORLD TITLE OF CONNECTICUT
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- STAMFORD, Connecticut - Linda McMahon, wife of WWF owner Vince McMahon, stunned many naysayers, some from within her own party, today as she captured the Republican nomination to the U.S. Senate in her home state of Connecticut. From the celebration in the jam-packed Rose Room of the Stamford Hilton, the mood was nothing short of electric.
The capacity crowd of supporters was addressed by the senate hopeful just moments after her amazing victory. Clad in a blue Carol Brady pantsuit, the dapper Mrs. McMahon officially kicked off her campaign by thanking the constituents of Connecticut and issuing a warning to her democratic opponent, CT Attorney General Richard Blumenthal.
"We've come a long way in the past few years. World Wrestling Entertainment has made great strides in turning our programming back to suit the families that attend our shows. I will do the same for the families of Connecticut!
Come November, nothing can stop us!"
"So let's get ready to suck it!"
He then, in a sweeping motion, gestured to his groin with both hands angled together to form a triangle. Many in the crowd gasped. A 97 year old woman, who had proudly told reporters earlier in the night that she was born in a time when women weren't even permitted to vote, reached into her handbag, took out a pistol, and shot herself in the mouth.
Aside from that, and a seven foot bald man forcing Ron Paul brochures into our hands, the event went on without incident. Well, unless you count the leprechaun who kept jumping out from underneath tables and biting people on the buttocks. Or the guy with the fake Italian accent wearing a wig and repeating, "Oh. A-look-at-me. I'm-a Richard-a Blumenthal. I like-a da poopie." But that was about it.
However, the real issues weren't even being addressed according to some. Marcus Smart of the Wrestling News Site, Wrestleballz, spoke to us about his concerns regarding McMahon's run.
"No one is addressing the most important question we should all be asking a Senate candidate. What about unprotected chairshots to the head? How can someone who has allowed wrestlers to take chairshots - to the head - with no protection be trusted to run things in Washington? How can we be sure she won't be writing bills that force poor people to take unprotected chairshots to the head? They're poor. They can't afford protection. Or health insurance. No health insurance? Chair shots to the head?! What is the world going to be like after November?"
A world of people getting hit in the head with chairs? Seems farfetched, but not according to Smart. He says that's just the tip of the iceberg.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg. People in wrestling die all the time. Linda kills them. She hunts wild men in the forest, shoots them with a tranquilizer gun, and then throws them in a big caravan. She flies them back to her lair in America, pumps them full of drugs, and then puts them on TV to fight one another until they die. I even heard she puts peanut butter on the roofs of their mouth so it looks like they're talking when they do promos. She needs to be stopped."
When we told Smart that his story sounded ridiculous, he said that we were the ones who were ridiculous and immediately stormed out of his office claiming that "Wipeout" was on.
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We asked Linda McMahon about the allegations. She laughed them off as nonsense.
"Ha ha. That's nonsense," said McMahon. "Why would I even do that? We don't have people fight to the death in WWE. We're wholesome family entertainment."
"She's telling the truth," added her husband Vince, who was sitting nearby. "I haven't made anyone fight to the death since Perry Saturn back in 2006 and no one has even asked us about where he…"
Linda shot her husband a glare and he abruptly became silent. We asked what that was all about and she responded, "Oh. Nothing. Just a game we play."
Even into their 60s, the McMahons remain a loving couple. They spend many days together laughing and playing "the glare game". Some say they need to play up the family aspect of Linda's life in order to soften her image to the largely democratic Connecticut voters. Political commentator Glenn Maddow believes the key is in the message.
"The key is in the message. Linda has the ability to lead, just like she did with the World Wrestling Federation. Her biggest issue is getting to people who can't see past the wrestling aspect of her life. They can't see past the whole WrestleMania thing. You know, the whole Rock thing or Stone Cold thing. Or Hulk Hogan. Or Junkyard Dog. Or, who else? Oh! Macho Man Randy Savage. Ooo yeah. Nice. Remember him? The Macho Man. I f**king loved that guy. Ooooo, yeah! Freak out. Freak out! Drop the elbow on ya! Ooo yeah! I'm coming for you Ricky Steamboat! Oh yeah! Remember that shit? Remember Ricky Steamboat? Man, I loved that guy. Is he dead? Is Ricky Steamboat dead? Can you ask her that? Can you ask Linda that for me? Oooo yeah!"
Glenn continued to impersonate old wrestlers for the next 45 minutes and we have to admit, he does a pretty good Jimmy Hart.
Some say the sinking point for Linda may be the video footage that exists of her family feuds on WWE television. Tapes show her husband kissing women in front of her, her daughter slapping her to the ground, and other violent struggles. We asked Vince about these tapes and whether they can do damage to his wife's political plans.
"That's just salacious and incendiary." Mr. McMahon shot back at us. "Video footage doesn't mean anything.
What if I told you that I had video footage showing Richard Blumenthal in an embarrassing situation?
Huh?
What if, uh….what if, I, uh, had a video of Richard Blumenthal being buttraped by a 400 pound power lifter?
Would that do any damage to his campaign?"
As the race heats up heading into November, one thing is certain. Linda has big plans and hard work ahead.
"I have some big plans and hard work ahead, " Linda told us over a cup of Chai Tea. "But I'm willing to take my lumps to achieve our family's dream - a solid future for the people of Connecticut, the right to dress up all citizens in funny little feathery outfits with masks and whatnot, chairs to the head of every baby, steroids for pre-schools chil…wait, a minute. What the hell am I reading?! These aren't my index cards. These are written in crayon! HUNTER!"
I really bet the house on her winning by writing that whole thing up, huh?
No matter. She did. Hooray and we're here. Michael Cole is excited to be here. He's got a hankering for a good ol' verbal tube steak and Joshua Matthews is grillin' 'em up. What's on the agenda tonight?
Silly games, exhibition matches, and things of that ilk. Yeah. Happy election, Linda. Hope you like monotony!
Want to know what's preparing to eat TV time tonight?
This…
With that, we shoot over to a preshow display by Michael Cole, wearing a WWE toy belt and Miz T-Shirt, demonstrates today's challenge - "Power of the Punch". It's to hit the carnival video game punching thing and see if you can score a heavy hit. Yeah. One of those strong-man bell-ringing gimmicks. Cole, although clearly the winner of who can act the corniest, doesn't hit the bag as hard as Josh Matthews. M.C. finishes in the seven range while Matthews hits in the 8s. No holding back from the brewing bottle of repressed announcer rage. He nails that thing like it's Maven and Nidia, sending Cole back to the locker room in a huff.
NXT Theme Plays. Hey. Vince. It's me. Goldberg. Listen, you want me to do a commercial where I run in and scream, "When's NXT!?"
Then someone can be all like "It's 10pm only on SyFy!"
That would be hilarious, right?
Just picture it. Me being all like, "WHEN'S NXT!?"
Ha ha. That would be sooooo fun…hello?
Hello?
We kick the show off with introductions all around. The big news out of all of this?
John Morrison is growing a beard. Lay-Cool has BFF combinable Diva title halves to that join to make one. And MVP dresses like a member of Boys to Men….in the winter. It's August, dude. Why are you wearing
a velvet blazer?
Aren't you hot?
Layla's practically naked.
Matt Striker kills some more TV time that Carlito would have killed to have gotten his hands on by explaining the rules and consequences to the rookies and mentors. From there, we give the youngsters a chance to play a carnival game…on TV. This ought to be fun. Not. Ha! See what I did there? Not! This suit is NOT black. Ha ha. I like. High five. It's nice.
Michael McGillicutty: 8.63
Kaval: (kicks it) 2.8
He won't live that one down. His gimmick is his kicks and then he blows it with one shot. On top of that, he then gets disqualified for not knowing the difference between punching and kicking.
Percy Watson:
71.6
Lucky Cannon:
74.4
"He might have torn a rotator cuff."
- Michael Cole
Husky Harris:
38.0
Ouch. He asks for a redo. He doesn't get it. That didn't help his whole bad-ass persona much, did it?
His daddy's gonna give him a whooping with a metal briefcase when he gets home.
"I can tell the world that I beat Husky Harris, Percy Watson, and Kaval."
- Michael Cole
Alex Riley:
89.9
Pleased with his, well, really impressive performance, winner Alex Riley says that his mentor, The Miz, may be a reality star, but he's "a star in reality."
Because of his punching skills, Riley wins an appearance on Monday Night Raw this week which will count towards his pro-evaluation. It makes you wonder what sort of punching contest K-Fed and the cast of Hot Tub Time Machine won.
Commercial Break. Optimum TV tells me that my movies will be "in brilliant HD."
What if I order Ernest Goes To Camp?
How brilliant is that gonna be?
Huh?
Sounds like I have a nuisance lawsuit brewing!
Cha-ching!
Did You Know?
WWE Shop ships to more than 70 countries worldwide. What don't they tell you?
They ship uranium to Iran.
During the commercial, Mike the Miz in his Mentalist vest has confronted his former partner, John Morrison. He lets the bearded wonder know that he's been invited to join Team WWE at SummerSlam. Bret Hart begged him. Now, Mike may make the choice to join the group, but first…he wants to hear Morrison beg for his partnership. Johnny opts instead to issue a challenge to a one-on-one bout...tonight! Mizter Mike accepts and we're off to the races..or matches. Who knows? There might be races. Maybe they built pinewood derby cars or something.
1. Kaval, Lucky Cannon, and Percy Watson defeated Alex Riley, Michael McGillicutty, and Husky Harris when Kaval pinned McGillicutty
You know what's funny?
With managers standing on the apron every week, it feels like the partners aren't really partners. They're just sort of standing there. Aside from that, things got really weird outside the ring. Irritated to no end, Josh Matthews tore into Michael Cole. When M.C. suggested that Joshy get glasses, he shot back, "I don't need glasses without lenses, Cole!"
They even clashed on who's idea it was for Lucky Cannon to get meaner. (JG Note:
Little do they know that Lucky's completely insane and robs banks in his spare time. No one does. It's his nutty little secret.)
That's around when the match really started picking up and I have to admit, I was pretty surprised. With a tag to Kaval, everyone got involved and the audience really woke up. From Low-Ki's "educated feet" to Husky's high flying flabbuster, the crowd was eating it up. When Senshi hit the double stamp from the top rope on McGillicutty, it was all over but the shouting. Ah!
Ok. Now it's over.
After the official word, Michael Cole gave them credit because - hey - even haters have to give love. Know wha'um'sayne?
Commercial Break. Jerry O'Connell is in the new movie, "Piranha 3D". Jerry decided to do a film for a change of pace. He wanted to see what it was like to star in something that doesn't get cancelled immediately.
Video Recap of the feud between Team Nexus and Team Against Us.
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2. The Miz pinned John Morrison after the Skull Crushing Finale
Morrison should have grown the beard years ago. He looks like a grown up now. There's always been a babyfaced look about him, but not in a good way. Not in a wrestling way. More like an iCarly guest star way. As for the Miz, no one can deny what this guy has done in the past few years. If anyone was given no shot at all by most calling future stars, it was him. Aside from a few murmurs here and there about his work ethic, most expected the reality TV alumni to be nothing more than a flash in the pan. Years later, removed from his disasterous run as Diva Search presenter and Hoorah-shouting dude, Mike has come into his own like no one's business and can really be seen as the frontrunner in wrestling's next generation. This match, along with the earlier six-man and a shortened rookie challenge, made for a really good show. Obviously Miz vs. Morrison is going to get interest from many who remember the Dirt Sheet days. Given their chemistry together as a team, it makes those who may have missed their eventual encounters intrigued. The two trade offense and both appear to be in solid control at different points of the bout. In the end, it all came down to a missed kick. Johnny M. went for a kick, missed, and was hit with a Skull Crushing Finale. Miz covered and…
…in full view of the camera, Morrison, "knocked out" and being pinned, said something
to the Miz and then smiled. It was pretty bad. You could even see a smirk on the face of Mike as he rolled off and celebrated in the ring. I wonder what he whispered to him. I bet it was, "Hey. I'll talk in your year in full view. No one's watching this show from the office. Linda's winning the nomination tonight."
Commercial Break. John Cena has a new movie where he trains his little brother to wrestle. You can tell it's a movie because at the end of it, the kid knows how to wrestle.
The votes are in. The WWE Universe, Pros, and Ice Cream Bars have all voted. Before we get the big revelation, Matt Striker lets the rookies give their picks to leave.
Michael McGillicutty:
Lucky Cannon. He's lucky to be here. Should go home.
Kaval: Says NXT is about making an "impact". Internet fans go nuts. Lucky should leave.
Percy Watson: No one. Striker presses for an answer and he picks Alex Riley. It would have been funny if he started clapping and going, "Herc-u-leez! Herc-u-leez!"
Lucky Cannon:
Himself. Oh wait…he said everyone BUT himself. He must be joking.
Husky Harris:
Lucky Cannon. He hasn't won a match. He also doesn't share his pudding.
Alex Riley:
Matt Striker for stupid questions and "being a nerd."
Also, McGillicutty.
The results:
1. Kaval
2. Michael McGillicutty
3. Percy Watson
4. Husky Harris
This leaves Lucky Cannon and Alex Riley. The loser is…
Eliminated: Lucky Cannon
Wah-wahhhh.
Lucky gets booed and tries to make light of the situation. He then takes an ad-libbed look back at the whole season and it gets boring real quick.
"Somebody please punch him in the mouth."
There's a slight pop when he calls Kaval a nine year old boy with the voice of Barry White. Kaval responds by tearing his head off and throwing it into the crowd. OK. He didn't do that. But he wanted to. This is the dude who used to knock out cameramen.
With Unlucky on his way home, Striker turns the microphone to Alex Riley, who insists that he will climb out of the #5 spot and show why he should win this contest. From there, Striker shocks us all by announcing next week's NXT's weak... on slackers. Keep your game up because we will have ourselves a DOUBLE ELIMINATION!
All in all…Good show. Then again, when you have a solid six man match and Miz vs. Morrison in a one hour show, it's bound to be good.
The real money in NXT might not be realized until it comes out on DVD. Separated into "seasons," it's perfect for WWE to do a full season release. There's a real interesting flow to things and, if you watch it every week, you see certain guys improve and others slide down the ladder.
Lucky Cannon and Alex Riley are good examples of that. I was really down on Riley a few weeks ago, but he's managed to impress. Sure, he's not the best of the bunch, but he's shown a desire to hone his character and play more than a one-dimensional preppy villain.
Lucky, on the other hand, never had a character. Did no one think to give him some sort of back-story?
Maybe a, I don't know, horseshoe or some gimmick. It could bring him luck. That would be cool. There would at least be a reason for him to have a name that, if associated with anything at all, would be associated with a girl. I mean, damn. He never won. How Lucky was that?
Mark Henry, his mentor, got beat up weekly since he came into the picture. Go away Lucky. Take your cursed cannon with ya.
That does it for me. Be sure to check back later this week for a new uncut shoot interview and then, in case you missed it, August 15th, 2010 - this Sunday - an
All New Face of World Wrestling Insanity!
Stop by for SummerSlam real time coverage and see the All New Insanity debut.
Be Well!
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