JG's 8/15/11 Raw Insanity: Diesel Texts Himself Into The CM Punk Storyline
By James Guttman
Aug 15, 2011 - 12:14 PM
Originally Published August 15, 2011
It began over 5,000 years ago when civilization was young...
Every major culture, Egypt, Greece, Rome, India, Japan, studied it, practiced it, perfected it to a fine art.
They admired its Olympian demands: strength, speed, agility, skill, grace and courage.
They did it to honor their gods...
They did it to honor their kings...
They did it to train their soldiers...
They did it to compete...
and they did it for fun...
It has come down through the ages to us today...
And we've turned into sort of a cartoon with leprechauns, sledgehammers, and men in Turkey costumes. But you people pay for it, so who's the real bad guy here? Huh? Not us. But we digress.
Since 1993, the WWE has proudly presented Monday Night Raw. Uncensored, uncut, uncooked, and usually about 68 minutes too long, Raw has been the show fans turn to each Monday for their wrestletainment matches.
What few know, though, is that Raw is not live. Nope. The show is presented on a three hour time delay and each arena we go to agrees to alter their cellular signals to broadcast in and out on the same delay. Many moments have never made it to air. Now you can relive them all with our new DVD set. It's actually just one disc but we call it a set because people play it on their TV sets. You like that? Roger, he works here in the office - he thought of it.
For the first time ever, experience moments like...
The Heath Slater Dating Game
You know him as the red headed Corre Child from WWE Smackdown. Prior to his Friday Night jump, we tried switching his gimmick to a silly game show host character (Think Matt Striker only not as smarky). The only problem? Heath's nuts.
Heath Slater: Hi everyone. Welcome to the Heath Slater Dating Game. As you all know, my famous catchphrase. "If you don't want some of Heath Slater..."
Heath holds up the microphone. There's dead silence. One man can be heard coughing.
Heath Slater: There it is! Alright! You know it! So anyway, let's meet our bachelorettes. First up is Sally, she's a personal trainer from San Diego, California. Second is Mary. She's a dancer with a PHD in T&A!
Ooooo. Third is Bethany. She likes animal charities and animal magnetism
. Oooo, again! Glad to meet you all, ladies. Welcome to the show.
The women smile.
Heath: OK. Let's play our game. You girls ready? Hands on buzzers. Alright
. (closes eyes and points to Mary) You. You're first.
Mary: Sure thing, Heath. Ready when you are. Ask your question.
Heath: There's no question. I'm doing you first.
Heath: Did I stutter? Get up. Grab your stuff. You're getting it first. We gotta get moving if I'm gonna do all three of you before the end of the show.
Mary: Huh? I'm not going anywhere with you.
Heath: Is Heath Slater gonna have to choke a bitch?
The girls stare back in shock.
Heath's eyes bug out.
Heath: Heath Slater's gonna have to choke a bitch!
The women all scream as Slater drags them away. In order to make the live crowd believe the segment was planned to go that way, we sent Ron Simmons out to say "Damn!" Everyone laughed. Well, except for Mary, Bethany, and Sally. No one really heard from them after that.
Big Show Accidentally Eats a Baby
We know what you're saying. How does one "accidentally" eat a baby? Well, they do it like this...
In 2005, we were working on a Big Show-Snitsky feud. The gist was that Show wanted to prove himself to be more heartless than the baby punting villain. So he would prove so by eating (what should have been) a baby doll.
Anyway, at the time a WWE Diva who wishes to remain anonymous and is named Joy Giovanni had brought her baby nephew to the show. So, as a really funny "rib" (or "joke"), Randy Orton switched the baby out with the fake one right before the taping. Ha!
Fast forward, fast forward, yadda-yadda-yadda- Big Show ate the baby.
Of course, WWE employees have to sign a gigantic waiver before their family members can visit backstage ever since Mel Phillips worked here. So there was nothing she could do about it.
Oh! Oh! And here's the kicker. Randy got promoted and she got fired!
Ha! What a maneuver!
Jim Ross Raps His Entire Raw Commentary
The year was 2003 and Jim Ross was, as Mr. McMahon once said, " begging for it". The boss endlessly hazed the announcer and went through great pains in seeing what good Ol' J.R. could do for his amusement. After many attempts to get under Jim's skin, the owner finally decreed that Ross would become a rapper. That would be his new persona and his announcing had to follow suit. What happened next was, well, this...
Jerry Lawler: Welcome to Dayton, Ohio! I'm the King Jerry Lawler and it looks like Raw is getting right underway J.R. We've got a match going already between...
J.R.: Damn King! Look at him go!
Hit switches up snitches in my black six-fo!
Fake Diesel! Fake Razor! Dirty girlies for a nooner!
It may be greater sometime later, but I'd rather boom her sooner!
From the front of this ring to the back of his locker,
I brawl six piers while you slobber on my knocker!
Uh huh. Uh huh.
Lawler: Uh, JR - you okay?
Hodge, Podge, Danny Hodge,
I likes my bitches asses large!
Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
After that, the company finally decided that this guy was never going to quit. He quickly went back to being good ol' J.R. again, but he still drinks forties and straight drills bitches big and small if they done talk to him outs-a-line.
The Night Bret Hart Called Out Vince McMahon
Early on in his 2010 feud with Mr. McMahon, Bret Hart took to the ring and called his foe out. Microphone in hand, Bret declared...
"Vince! Vince McMahon, I know you're back there.
(pause, neck jerk to flick hair out of face) I know you can hear me. I ain't leaving this ring until you get your lousy stinking butt out here!"
The capacity crowd cheered. But the only problem was that Mr. McMahon was not there. In fact, he was 600 miles away preparing for an upcoming pay-per-view. Hart, it seems, had mixed up his plans (codeword for: wrestling script) and called the boss out on the wrong week.
Normally it would be no harm/no foul and the wrestler who made the error would duck out and the show would go on.
Unfortunately, Hart believed that doing so would "damage" his character and we accidentally gave him creative control when he returned. He insisted to the numerous referees sent to retrieve him that he had to stay until McMahon showed up. If not, his character would be "lying" to his fans. They asked him to maybe do something while he stood in the ring to entertain the crowd- like sing a song or something - but he refused insisting that "singing is for fairies." The whole thing was ridiculous. The crowd still cheered though as they thought it was just part of a big angle.
About 9 minutes later, they started booing.
10 minutes after that, there was a random "We Want Flair" chant.
Then an "EC-Dub" chant.
Then a "Fire Russo" chant.
They started booing again a little bit later.
After that, some girl started flashing everyone so there was some cheering for her.
Then they booed again.
Then they started throwing stuff.
Needless to say, the audience was pretty angry by the end of the show which ended, as it began, with Bret Hart standing center ring and staring at the entrance. The crowd went home but Bret stayed. In fact, he didn't leave the ring until McMahon, who chartered a flight to the arena, arrived at 10am the next morning. Hart finally left the ring as the stadium staff was setting up for an Indigo Girls concert.
It was all pretty strange and that one mix up of weekly scripts is the reason why we write the shows "on the fly" today.
Ole Anderson Guest Hosts Raw
You know how sometimes it's considered cool to do something that's completely uncool? Like ultra-opposite. Think about it. You break out an original Atari system today, people get excited. It's cool even though it's old and not cool. That's what we were going for here.
We're totally into entertainment. That's our thing. We don't even play with that old school nonsense. Old school for us is Triple H in long tights. That's old school. Ole Anderson is so ridiculously in the opposite direction that we thought it would be like ironic nostalgia. A throwback t-shirt. The Smurfs. That stuff. It didn't work out that way. Holy God, it didn't work out that way. Raw started like this.
Justin Roberts: Ladies and gentlemen,
"F**k You" by C-Lo Green plays as Ole angrily enters the ring.
Ole Anderson: Yeah. Turn off that bullshit. I don't need that music shit.
Music abruptly stops.
Ole: So yeah. Hey. I'm Ole Anderson.
Ole: Eh. Stop that cheering shit. Ain't no one told you to cheer, god damnit. Welcome to the Showbiz Bullshit Show. We got some matches for the night. First, we have the midget mother f**ker against the chick with the jugs. Winner gets stabbed to death second.
Confused crowd claps.
Ole: Shut up. I just told you about the goddamn clapping. After that, the black fella is gonna fight the other black fella so that black fellas at home don't get all pissed off. Then we're gonna...
CM Punk's "Cult of Personality" blares. Punk steps out...
CM Punk: Oh. Ole. The great Ole Anderson, ladies and gentlemen. You know, Ole, this business is all about putting people over and, as we all know, you love to get yourself over with these marks. Yeah. That's right. I said it. Aw...what's the matter, Ole? Am I saying "secret" things? Huh? In the 70s, I'm sure you'd have my knee caps broken, right? Well, let me tell you...
(screaming) Rocco! Fat Joey! Get out here.
Two big men in suits come out swinging baseball bats into Punk's knees.
(as he's being repeatedly bashed with bats) AHHHH! What the hell are you doing?! This is in the run sheet! It's part of the show! We talked about it this afternoon! It's a work! AHHH! My knees!
Ole: SHUT UP! Stop saying that shit! Rocco! Joey! Take him out back and tell Bill to bring the rope.
Rocco and Joey drag Punk away.
Ole: Anyway. As I was saying, we're gonna take about an hour now to quietly watch some NWA from 1976 on the big TV Tronomatic or what the f**k shit it is ya call it. I'm gonna sit here in the ring and watch it with you. So just pay attention and keep quiet. I might take a nap. Anyone wakes me up and I lock the doors and set the building on fire. Now someone roll the film and get me a f**kin' Sanka!
Oh ho, but the moments don't end there. You can see all of this and more including...
R-Truth seriously injures Jimmie Walker.
Mr. McMahon's Kiss my Balls Club
Ric Flair dies and is brought back to life by magic
- on three separate occasions.
Chris Benoit Tribute Show...oh wait, we actually aired that one
If you don't buy this DVD then you're really a jerk and no one likes you. Roger came up with that one too. You like? We weren't so sure but he insisted people would buy it if we said it. So we did.
Pick it up Tuesday at your local Tower Records location- which doesn't exist anymore. Thank you. We hate you all.
Raw Theme Plays.
Michael Cole is high on shrooms but luckily Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are by his side and helping him stand. Tonight's Raw is ready to knock your socks on your ass. Did you attend the hottest party of the summer last night? Huh? Did ya? Do you consider watching pay television alone in your living room, eating cheese fries in your underwear to be "the hottest party of the summer"? If so, then we feel bad for you and know you'll love what we have lined up for you tonight. What else you gonna do? Go to a party? Quit lying. Take off your pants and melt some Velveeta, it's Monday, it's night, and it's Raw.
First man out of the gate is our ponytailed pitboss, Triple H. As he walks to the ring, Michael Cole tells me to follow Raw on Twitter. I have an idea, Michael. How about you just talk real good and maybe I'll be able to follow it through you. That's your job, pal. Don't scrub it off on Twitter.
The crowd reacts and the Game speaks his piece. Seems that people are really upset about how things went down at SummerSlam.
The Cerebral Son-in-Law feels bad about that. After all, much like WWE from 2002-2005, it sucked. That was his fault too.
"I wanna apologize to the WWE Universe. I want to apologize more importantly to John Cena. I made a mistake."
- Triple H
Helmsley claims that he missed Johnny's leg under the rope and thus "screwed up" the end. Now, anyone wondering if Trippie was in on the attack, put your mind at ease. It was all Kevin Nash's WCW-killin' mind. Hunter had nothing to do with it. Nuthin', I tells ya. Yeah...that's the ticket. Sure. Plus, he only had minimal contact with Big Daddy Cool. They weren't chatting up plans to take over the world. Nah...
"He called me. He was in LA. He asked me to pick up a couple of tickets to SummerSlam."
- Triple H
Gameboy then makes the stunning claim that our long-haired Wolfpacker has agreed - via text message - that he will be on Raw tonight, but only if permitted "to tell the truth."
Hell of a game show.
Hell of a guy.
Big Daddy Oz is gonna wiz on by and lay it on the table tonight.
Speaking of tables, at the contract signing between John Cena and CM Punk, Triple H promised we'd have an undisputed champion tonight and we do. Terra Ryzin is proud to introduce him.
Wait...so your name was Two Carrots? Why was your name two carrots?
It was Dos Caras Jr.!
Oh. So like you and your dad both dressed like carrots and you were the two. I get it. Sounds dumb. Is that why you changed your name and dropped the mask?
Remember how we used to be able to ask, "Name the greatest wrestler to never win a World Title?" and there was a huge list to choose from? Tully Blanchard. Barry Windham. Brian Pillman. Repo Man. Tons. Now, everyone has won a World Title. Everyone. The days of Hulk Hogan wearing the WWF Title during most of my elementary school years is over. I mean think about it. There were people who went from being in middle school to being married with kids by the time Bob Backlund lost the title. People grew old and died during Bruno Sammartino's reign. Now if someone holds a belt for more than a year, we all rent a hall and hire a magician. Sad. It's not just the company either. It's the fans. I don't think many would stand for it in 2011. They'd get all angry about politics, I'd imagine. Then again, was it WWE that created that mentality in the first place? It's an enigma wrapped in a riddle and stuffed into Alberto Del Rio's glove compartment as he pulls up to the ring and steps out with his new championship.
With Rio in the spotlight, Michael Cole suddenly disserts the Miz and asks Lawler to admit that Prince Alberto is the best bred WWE Champion in history. Lawler scoffs and A.D.R. does the gimmick where he says his own name. It's like Mr. Kennedy - only once. Then he addresses his minions or, as he calls them, "guys".
"Guys. I've been saying this for weeks and weeks. It was my destiny to be the WWE Champion. But guys, I'm gonna be really honest with you..."
- Alberto Del Rio
I can't pay attention to much of this speech because Del Rio is really funny when he speaks. He says "guys" and "you guys" a lot and I don't think it's part of the gimmick. He just repeats it over and over again. It's like when someone says "know what I'm sayin'?" or, for our British readers, "I'nit?" It was very funny and makes his promos great for all the wrong reasons.
Alberto says he's intent on becoming a popular champion despite all the booing. He even offers to take pictures with all our children as he makes us proud. It's a weird offer, but so it goes. The new champion is excited, guys. And, guys, you're in for a treat. Rey Mysterio will be Mr. Del Rio's first title defense. This should send chills, but it actually gives thrills to the new title holder. After all, he doesn't just like Rey. He's into him real bad.
"I love Rey Mysterio! Rey Mysterio is a Mexican icon. A grand luchadore. I love Rey Mysterio." -
Alberto Del Rio
The crowd chants 619. I guess they're not good at counting. It's the same chant 123 Kid used to get when WWE would go into towns with bad school districts.
Above the love, JB Del Rio doesn't love Miss Teerio too much to beat him. He promises to finish the "little Chihuahua." When he does, he warns that San Diego will need to change its area code because they'll have a new hero. That hero is "Alberto Del Rio."
No explanation about why they'd have to change their area code in order to do that. I mean, it's not like their area code is R-E-Y. Either way, it's on tonight and, guys, you best prepare for the Alberto Del Reign of Terror.
Commercial Break. Five Hour Energy promises to give you energy for five hours. That's not why they call it "Five Hour Energy" though. They call it that because someone had already trademarked "Crack".
1. Falls Count Anywhere: John Morrison pinned R-Truth
R-Truth has a remixed version of "What's Up" following his "Truth Will Set You Free" line during his entrance now. It works. I'm so torn on this guy. I think he has a ton of potential but that dopey faced "I'm a good R-Truth!" really sours it for me. As for this match, no one seemed into it for a while. The crowd sat still and the good R-Truth battled Morrison around the ringside area. By the time we went to a mid-match commercial break, people were all but passed out in their programs. When we got back, things had picked up with the Truth kicking Johnny's head in and screaming to "Little Jimmy". His intensity grew and his frustrations spilled into the crowd and back. The two exchanged near falls here and there before introducing a swivel chair into the equation. Johnny M. suplexed Ron into a seated position on it. He then reared back, ran full speed, and kneed ReTweet right in the face. Three seconds later and John picks up a few days of people saying,
They still like you. You beat R-Truth. Now man up and stop talking shit on Twitter."
CM Punk is on his way into the arena. He's really walking. I guess that makes it a shoot. He's shoot walking. Wow. This guy is good.
Commercial Break. I don't know what Burrito Supreme has to feel so "supreme" about. It gets eaten all the same. No one survives, Burrito Supreme. You all die. Now knock off the superiority complex.
Flashback to Rey Mysterio's past World Title wins. It's such a success story of victory. Of course, they also cut it off right before the good part - where he gets squashed every week until he loses the title on a wave of huge disappointment.
I came to play!
That's great, Mr. Miz. I came to work. Now can you please just give me your dry cleaning ticket?
The Miz is here and he's got a big announcement to make. In the arena...it's Jared from Subway! Yeah! Look! It's Jared!
And he's getting kinda fat again.
Anyway, you don't get free shoutouts from heels on Raw unless they tear you down. Mikey Mizerable claims that he could outdo J-Dawg as Subway spokesman. Wanna see?
From there, the guy who once forgot how voting in the Raw Diva Search worked spouts out a pitch perfect pitch for Subway's Oven Crisp Chicken Sandwich. Mizter Mike's aspirations have really lowered, it seems, as he tells Subway's executives that he's the reason why Subway's new sandwich is trending. Then he bites it. Yeah.
So does the segment. Then, in order to tie it all to wrestling, he promises to be champion again.
Then this thing ends.
That's it. It was a long ad for Subway.
"A crummy commercial?" -
Ralphie, A Christmas Story
Backstage, Kevin Nash arrives in a limo. Kinda expected him to be in a truck. Honk. Honk. I know people expect jokes about Kevin Nash's age here. Well, it's not happening. For starters, he hasn't done anything in WWE yet, so people could be excited to see him in the mix - at least for the time being. But still, making old jokes is fun. I know. I know. But not only is Kevin an esteemed former ClubWWI.com guest, I also happen to find writing out jokes about his age to be cheap and lazy. So it's not going to happen.
I'm not writing any old jokes about Kevin Nash.
I'll just make pictures instead.
This should illustrate the point...
Commercial Break. Another Subway commercial for their Chicken Sandwich. It probably cost much less than the one they just did.
2. Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres defeated The Bella Twins
Pretty boring stuff. Sorry but it was. WWE isn't going to pretend to care about the Divas so I won't either. Say what you want about Lay-Cool, but they did stuff with Lay-Cool. This whole thing is just lame lately. It makes matches like this impossible to review. It doesn't exist to steal the show or leave you with a lasting memory. It's basically WWE saying, "Check out these hot chicks for a few minutes while we get the good stuff set up." It's no secret. We all know it. Not too many men rolling under the bottom rope to eliminate themselves from battle royals with no one noticing.
After the bell, Beth Phoenix and Natalya Neidhart stood on the entrance way and clapped. Michael Cole called them the "Divas of Doom". They got the idea from WWF stagehands who gave the nickname to Hawk and Animal when they used to demand Perrier water and pedicures before each match.
Kevin Nash is up next.
Commercial Break. Champs Sports has "Fresh Kicks". Good. I need some. The litter box stinks. Wait. That's Fresh Step. I need to buy Fresh Step litter. That's it. I don't wear "Fresh Kicks". I wear shoes. I don't give my shoes nicknames. That's a sign of mental illness, I think.
Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Roberts is proud to introduce everyone's favorite former Diesel. Kevin Nash, get your Kevin ass out here.
Big Sexy takes the microphone, angles it around his giant goatee, and speaks.
"First off, I want to thank my friend Triple H for letting me come here tonight and explain last night's actions. For those who don't know Triple H and I have been close friends for almost 20 years. He's also the godfather of my son. Last night, I asked Triple H if I can attend SummerSlam. He said yeah, I'll send you some tickets. They'll be at will call. So, I was watching and right before the main event, I got a text..." -
Like all interlopers trying to speak on a microphone for the first time in a while, the "What" chants derail him. Kevin, unprepared for the torrential whatfall, allows it to rattle him and then it's on.
The texts read..." -
"Hey big man, do me a favor. No matter what happens in the main event, stick the winner for me." -
Big Kevin's allegations go a step further. A day after the Outsider did the Hunter's bidding, the company COO-COO proclaims innocence?
No way, Helms-lay. Get your gamy behind out here post haste. You're knee deep in nonsense and got some splainin' to do!
Yo. CM Punk, I heard your new theme song was from Living Color.
Nice. I loved that show back in the day! "Homey Don't Play That!" Ha! Awesome. Remember the Fly Girls? Jennifer Lopez was one of them, right?
It's a different Living Colour.
Oh. So you don't like Living Color the show?
I hate you, CM Punk. I hate you so much.
CM Punk is here and he's ready to break down the fourth wall, build a fifth wall, break that down too, and then make a series of walls until he has a big house, and then set that on fire. Whatever it is you want to call it. Standing at the top of the walkway, he basically goes after the man who cost him the gold last night and calls him out on his obvious lies.
"OK, you expect me to believe that load of crap. You expect me to believe you and Triple H aren't on the same page? You guys are best friends."
Hmmm. You raise a good point, Sober Sammy. If only you could make it more "shootish".
"If Triple H asked you to jump off a bridge, would you? Because I think that's what would be good for business."
Yeah. That works. The Personality Cult Leader then gets personal and tells Kev that both he and Hunter have no idea what is good for business. The two try to jock for verbal position over each other but it eventually leads back to the main point - Triple H and Kevin Nash.
Kev offers to show the texts to The Pepsi Plunger, but is turned down. Well, not just turned down. He's ridiculed and mocked like this...
"Do you want to see the text message my little sister Shalene sent me last night? Here. Here it is. "OMG. Kevin Nash. WTF Thought he was dead. LOL. "-
Line of the night is met with anger by the undead Outsider. He tears into the arrogant Punk but it's when Ozzy Vegas credits Triple H for shaking things up in WWE, Punky clarifies things.
"No, no, no. I'm the guy who shook things up around here."
- CM Punk
We then go back and forth with things like:
"What? You've been here five years? You've been in two main events? Really? You had the belt three times in 20 days." -
"A guy who said the legendary Eddie Guerrero was a vanilla midget. What do you know about talent? It's 2011, it's not 1994." -
That one was kind of awkward considering that the line was mostly about Chris Benoit - who was far more "vanilla" than Eddie. We don't mention Benoit, though. In the grand scheme of things, I miss the times when the worse thing people could say about him was that he was a vanilla midget. Bummer, Punk. Bummer.
To counter, Kevin goes back to 1996 when he and Scott Hall paved the way for guaranteed money. Yawn. That old gag. Can we please get back to the task at hand? Pointing out weaknesses in the main event guys...
"If this is where the business is now where a guy who looks like a short order cook at the Pikeville Waffle House is champion? Take a shower, hit the weights."
- Kevin Nash
Hooray. I'm sitting here watching the Klique eat the CM Punk Anti-establishment storyline. How did we end up here again? These slippery slope worked shoot angles always go on too long. This one is no different. It really drags on and drags the Punk narrative to another place. When CM finally walks to the ring in order to fight Kevin Nash, he's stopped by secutiy. Smile on face, Diesel watches from the ring. Our Straight Edge Shortorder Cook says the heightened security just proves Mr. Stephanie's involvement. J.R. can't understand what's gotten into Kevin Nash. I can't understand how quickly they derailed the hottest angle in years.
Commercial Break. How could the woman in the K-Mart commercial think that Randy Orton, sitting on their kitchen table, was an action figure?! It's a friggin' person, lady. He's a person. You can't see that? Your husband sees it. How come you can't?! You're fit to raise children? There's obviously something wrong with you.
Oh great. More Kevin Nash. The X-Division Savior is on the prowl for Triple H backstage, but he can't find him. Instead, he runs into John Laurinaitis - who is still speaking on TV and he still has the larangytis. Our Dynamic Dude
with a dress clothes fetish approaches the Daunting Diesel and makes, what one can only assume is, an invitation for sex somewhere.
"What if we get out of here and go someplace more private so we can talk?" -
I can't tell if he winked, but I'm sure he winked. But it gets wilder. Kevin goes with him. Honk, honk, indeed. . That's the kind of stuff that lands you on Donahue with John Arezzi.
3. Jack Swagger pinned Alex Riley
Dolph Ziggler and Vicki Guerrero did commentary for this one. Swagger's career is an amazing one. There aren't too many guys who get a World Title run and then bump so far back down the ladder so soon. As Ziggy and Jerry argue about Vicki's "round shape" at ringside, Jim Ross plays Buzzy McKillington with a, "We have a match going on here too." Sadly, Ross doesn't bring us back to reality. Instead, Lawler cracks fat jokes while Cole laughs as if the two are best friends. It's really weird to see them friendly so soon considering one just shoved his foot into the other's mouth on live television a month or two ago. I wouldn't be so willing to forgive so quickly. Michael Cole is a good man. Better man than me. A forgiving and benevolent man. A man of zeal, yet humble. Bless you, Michael Cole. Bless you. Turns out J.R.'s a wiener anyway with all his "waa-waa, a match is on" nonsense because the match stizunk. The live crowd was far more bored than us at home. We laughed along with the commentary until Guerrero finally distracted the referee. This lead to an awfully botched powerbomb by Jack Swagger.. Swag struggled to hold him up and finally, after an few agonizing seconds of "is he gonna kill him?", hit the move and scored the pin. Perfect ending for it actually. Boo all around.
Commercial Break. I had the annoying "sharing" song from the BK Minis commercial stuck in my head all day yesterday. For that reason alone, I will never buy them. Good job, Burger King. You bastards.
Vicki Guerrero is grinning to herself as she slowly walks around backstage. She's confronted by Jack Swagger. Following his impressive win and near-murder of Alex Riley, Jackie Boy has only one thing in mind - tapping that arse, so to speak. He urges her to spread her rolodex wide open and welcome in new clientele. He wants to be one such clientele. Sure, he sucks, but you can make it all better. You're a dynamite manager. After all, look what you did for Eric Escobar. V.G. agrees to think it out.
Video Package of SummerSlam Axxess. They claim that it gives back to the community by helping kids. All I know is that it teaches them to misspell "Access." Right off the bad, they're making children dumber.
CM Punk walks into a room backstage and guess who's waiting for him? What? No. Not William Hung from American Idol. Why would you even guess that? That makes no sense. It's Stephanie McMahon. She makes an ominous promise to Christopher Montgomery Punkerstein that everyone gets what they deserve in the end. Well, everyone except Casey Anthony.
Commercial Break. McCafe's new Frozen Lemon Smoothie has a talking lemon doing its cutesy commercial. They leave out the part where they pick him up by the head and squeeze him to death.
For the few moments Kofi Kingston's music plays, we're all Jamiacan. I bop along as we await Evan Bourne. I'm informed that Evan's theme song is now available on ITunes. It's called - get this - Born To Win. That's funny, right? Like ironic. Like Ole Anderson hosting Raw.
4. Non Title: Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston defeaeted David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty
Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga are the tag team champions. They have a new look and new music. They come out to this fresh gimmick they only started playing recently. How do the announcers hype it? By talking about a Tweet Shawn Michaels just sent out about Kevin Nash. I'm going to reserve comment until the end but so far - this Klique thing isn't good at all. When Jerry Lawler finally did mention the Nexus champions, he does so by calling them "bland." Amazing. Who's fault is that? Their gimmicks were that they wore the same armbands for a few months. That's it.
Yeah, they really fumbled that piece of creative genius. The crowd wasn't into this match, but I think they were trying to keep their "disinterested in the matches" streak going. It had worked so well all night. They finally perked up when Kofi got the tag. He seemed poised to get the win but was thwarted by the heels. To respond, he makes a blind tag to Evan and allows Bourne to fly in for a victory. New champions!
Wait. No. I guess everything's non-title nowadays. Guess they just had to let Evan win the same week his "Born To Win" theme song hits Itunes. If he lost, the smarties would have a field day with it. Following the big win, Jim Ross exclaims that the tag team division is fired up again. WWE should put that on a t-shirt and release it every 14 months.
Up next, Aleberto Del Rio vs. the only guy this audience cares about.
Commercial Break. I mean, seriously....is she insane?!
Ricardo Rodriguez continues to be the man everyone loves but has no idea why. He introduces the WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio. Someone in the crowd has a sign that reads "Alberto and Ricardo live in a van down by the Rio." It had a drawing in marker of a van down by the river. Someone made that sign. Someone took the time and markers and made that sign. Things like that blow my mind.
And his opponent...
Hey Rey, come on in. Listen. Quick question - and you can totally say no - but, uh, would you mind playing the role of Sin Cara for us?
5. WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio pinned Rey Mysterio
Things start quietly enough but with 15 minutes to go and a hometown crowd hungry for gold, you know that it's all going to build. Surprisingly, it didn't build much. Instead we just got a big ending. One thing that this match had going against it is that it didn't feel like WWE would switch the belt again so soon. I mean, hell, even WWE has standards with the title. With all the rotating champions recently, adding Rey to the scene would only make it worse. This was a match that could boost Rey, but would bury Del Rio in the process. After so many "almosts", he couldn't fail right away. In the end, Rey Mysterio's 619 was his downfall. He hit the move with precise timing. But when he jumped to the top rope, it was Alberto's Del Knees-os that rose to the occasion. He lifted them into Mysterio's tummy tattoo and scored the pinfall win.
Following the successful defense, A.D.R. went after his fallen foe and tried to break his arm before the save was made by...John Cena.
Who I totally forgot existed. I swear. I hadn't really thought about him. There he is. Hi, John. He chases the new titleholder from the ring and then lets his thoughts be known.
"Oh, I am coming off one hell of a weekend and whoever saw SummerSlam knows I've got a bunch of reasons I could be pissed off."
- John Cena
Who's the main target of his piss? Alberto. That's who. He's not some player. He's a floater. Brenchel would hate him. He stands in the background and comes out like a thief in the night when it's all over. Your Money in The Bank win was without honor, Carrot Boy. You didn't earn jack, Swagger. You just handed in a briefcase and got lucky. As the days tick down and you inch closer to the end of your reign, you'll learn that you don't belong here. That's not your destiny.
"You're about to find out your destiny is John Cena kicking your ass."
- John Cena
Camera shot of Rio. Camera shot of Cena. Camera fades to black.
All in all
...What a weirdo show. Things are about to take a swift downturn.
Look, I'm not going to come down on TNA for something and then not call WWE on it. It's that simple. On Hulk Hogan's first TNA night, they did an angle where the aging Nasty Boys were begging for work. Hulk, like the fed-up dad on a TGIF sitcom, was overwhelmed with their rambuncous attitude as he demanded they work for their spot. No free rides around here! You don't get a job just because you know Hulk.
The problem? Impact is scripted. In order to play the role, the Nasty Boys have to be employed. They're employed because they know Hulk Hogan. The idea of them being brought in so quickly was so ridiculous that they had to point it out in a storyline in order to make it believable. It was as if they were rubbing our faces in their employment by saying, "Yeah. They shouldn't work here. But they do."
Same deal with Kevin Nash. Everytime CM Punk points out how he's been brought in as cronie, it's true. To ping Punk's pong, Kevin points out all his shortcomings. He mocks his size, smell, and success.
It's like this storyline was just visited by a new character no one wanted. Years from now, they'll say they had to do it because Punk just "wasn't connecting". They always rewrite history to make the nonsense seem like sense.
Long term, WWE will regret turning this whole thing into the Hunter/Nash show. They did this exact angle in 2003 when Shawn Michaels and Triple H were battling for Nash's affection. It's all so old and tiring. I don't care anymore. I don't care who owns the show. I don't care who makes the matches. I don't care about your politics from 1996. I don't care who Triple H is friends with. I don't care about ominous warnings from Stephanie McMahon. I want something new and, for a brief while, the CM Punk storyline was fresh and new. Now it's 2003.
Forget the participants. If Nash could do an angle that wasn't a rehash of crap he's been doing since WCW died, I'd be okay with it. Instead, we get the old "Hunter's my buddy" gag that made us gag years earlier. Just do something new! I don't care who does it. Just someone do it!
Vicki expanding her roster is good. Alberto Del Rio not losing on his first night is good. But all that, along with Miz's horribly ridiculous live-action Subway commercial made for a pretty bad night in WWE land. It's shocking how quickly we've gotten derailed.
Oh, and after a show like this, the time never felt righter to urge you to check out
my first book - World Wrestling Insanity - also available in digital form. It's sort of about...well, everything you saw tonight.
That does it for me, guys. Something to say? Let me know by following me on Twitter
@JamesGuttmanWWI. I'll be back during the week with new audios and guests on
ClubWWI.com. Be sure to check out the latest from Orlando Jordan as well as Mike Johns' 98 minute Dragon Gate audio that went up today.
Until next time, Be Well and thanks for sharing my Insanity.
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