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JG's 8/17 NXT Insanity: Husky Gets Audited, Kaval Gives TNA a Shoutout, and Showtime, No-Time, Off-You-Go-Time
Dear Mr. McMahon,
Last week when we came to your office for our monthly product development meeting, we had a really great time. We appreciate you poking our bellies and making us do "Ico Pro" shots. Unfortunately, we didn't really get to talk about upcoming products. On the way out, though, Joe said he said to you that we should make products for young talent. He told us you told him it was a good idea. He also said you were laughing and then called him a "bitch ass". So, we don't know if you were kidding or not, but it's all we really had to go on. So here's the list of products we're working on for the WWE young stars.
A Fond Adieu, Bob - Marketing Team
- Dolph Fruit Zigglers -
We don't really get why that's his name. We were talking about it in the office. Is it more about the Adolph or more about the Ziggler? Is he a parody of Boogie Nights? Is he a tongue twister? A foreign curseword? A secret code to get into Masonic temples? What?! The only thing we could think of is that ziggle sounds like wiggle. Jell-o wiggles. So there it is. Dolph Fruit Zigglers.
Our budget is awful because you said that "nerds don't need money." So we had to Google Jell-o and found out that it was made from horse hooves or something. We sent Joe into a farm down the road and he attacked a horse. Long story short - It didn't go well. He got messed up. Bad. So we figured we'd just pick up the grass from the ground and throw it in the box. We then bought some Jello powder from the supermarket and mixed it with the grass. It's grassy and fruity all at the same time. We figure there might be a jingle in there. We remember you asked us to think of a good jingle with the word "assy" in it, so this could be the rhyme we’ve been looking for.
DVD: The Best of Those Few Months In 2009 That Zack Ryder Didn't Suck
Most fans from a few years back remember Zack Ryder as the jobber with the long blonde hair. Fans from today know him as the jobber with short brown hair. We'd like to showcase those few months last year when he wasn’t jobbing, but winning. Remember that?
Even funnier - get this. Ready-to-retire veteran Tommy Dreamer lost to young lion Zack Ryder and had to retire from ECW in late 2009. OK. Take that in. Now, TNA has Tommy Dreamer, the guy who was the ready to retire veteran, and has him as one of the most featured guy on the show. You have Zack Ryder, the young lion who beat him, and you're jobbing him to the world! HA! We love it! We thought maybe we can do a whole segment on that for the DVD. We'll call it "TNA takes our Sloppy Oldie Seconds."
Other ideas for DVDs along these lines are:
The Best of the Few Weeks in 2009 When Yoshi Tatsu Didn't Suck And "Did I Just Imagine That Guy?" - The DVD to accompany this book… -
Book: "Did I Just Imagine That Guy?"
You wanted to showcase fresh talent? They don’t get any fresher than people who fans barely remember.
The second half of the book looks at wrestlers people may have just imagined, why that would be, the warning signs for mental illness, the treatments available, support for family and friends, John Cena's five greatest title defenses, numbers to call for help, and more. -
Book: Look At Nexus In The Lexus!
Look At Nexus!
It just goes on like that for like, I don't know, 30 pages or something. It sounds ridiculous, but all his books were like that. It's not that hard. Joe can write a Dr. Seuss book in like two minutes (he's been amazing since the horse-injury to his head). As you asked, there are no pictures of anyone choking anyone else with anything. There is, however, a picture of Michael Tarver shooting The Cat in the Hat in the Face with a shotgun, though. But it's, you know, cartoony.
As you guys can see, you're reading this on The All New World Wrestling Insanity. Rebuilt from the ground up to fight the powers of evil and find Jamie a Turboman for Christmas, the site now lets you get everything you need without leaving the page. There's the real time Twitter updates streaming right on the page. It's where you can keep current on all that's going on from your favorite stars or where you can follow along as we here at the site ensure that Mickie James never wants to come to do an interview with me.
There's the ClubWWI.com video in the corner. We got some polls ova here. Some search boxes ova there. Comments down there. All that. I'm actually a big fan of the Youtube player right on the bottom of the page. It's loaded with about 50 of wrestling videos from today, yesterday, and…well, that's it. We can't see tomorrow. So it's just today and yesterday, but that's cool. So now when I talk about something that happened at Raw, you don't have to say, "Oh. Guess that would be funny if I actually watched Raw, but I was out killing drifters." You can say, "Oh. Even though I was out killing drifters and missed Raw, I can go to the bottom of the page and see clips! I get the joke! The guy DOES look like Andy Bernard from the Office! Ha ha!" See? Get it. There it is. Welcome to the new Insanity. It's spelled the same as the old Insanity, only backwards in a mirror.
Last week, Lucky Cannon left NXT but vowed to return like herpes.
Like a big grinning, wet-haired herpes.
NXT Theme Plays:
The NXT theme.
Yes.
OK so what is it?
Yes.
Why yes?
I don't know!
Hmmm-hmmmm…I'm a ba-a-a-a-a-d boy.
It's good evening to you but good morning to Josh Matthews, who just woke up after a hard night of doing Speed.
He's seated alongside Michael "Speed" Cole for a show that promises to eliminate two contestants.
That's it.
They don't promise anything else.
If you're looking for surprises, you can go watch TNA.
Huh?
You want that?
You want to have to go and watch TNA?
Of course you don't.
So shut your face and enjoy the hour.
Jamie Keyes looks like a dirty Dana Perino as she introduces all our NXT rookies.
They come out one by one as their pros salute them.
Michael Cole talks trash about all of them except for Alex Riley because he's stalking Alex's mentor, The Miz.
It's a bit scary. He's really into him.
I have three words for Mike The Miz - Broadview Home Security.
Matt Striker takes us for a trip down memory lane.
How so? With a competition we've done about 100 times before. The game is - do a promo about anything besides why you shouldn't go home? Uhhhh der. And go...
Percy Watson:
He says his topic is 3D (Not the tag team).
It's "Desire, Dedication, and Determination."
It's like the three I's of Kurt Angle mixed with Team 3D.
I'm surprised he didn't fit an AJ Styles reference in there.
It's like a TNA shoutout.
I'm kidding.
Isn't that funny that you believed that?
You didn't even doubt it.
You were just like, "Yeah.
He probably sang it.
That sounds like stupid crap they'd do."
Nah I was kidding.
He rapped.
It was terrible.
"I'm the reason for Total Nonstop Action."
- Kaval
I kid you not.
He said "Total Nonstop Action."
Even Matthews laughed and asked, "Why would you say that?!" Forget Percy's 3D, THIS was a TNA shoutout.
From there, we go to our first elimination of the night.
Housemates, this is Davina.
You are live on Channel Four, please do not swear.
The next person voted off of NXT is…Showtime Percy Watson.
Showtime, you have one minute to grab your belongings and say your goodbyes, I'm coming to get you!
Aw.
That's sad.
Percy Watson
says farewell and Cole applauds his touching words.
Unfortunately for Watson, the segment where he left will not be remembered as "the time when Percy Watson left NXT."
It'll be remembered as "the time when Kaval shouted out TNA for no reason."
Commercial Break.
Before the break, Percy Watson died or something.
I don't know.
I wasn't really listening.
1. Zack Ryder pinned Michael McGillicutty
I don't understand why Zack Ryder wears women's lingerie to the ring.
It's so weird.
That's not a club-kid gimmick. That's a crossdresser gimmick, man. Anyway, I know I do complain about this every week and I'm going to do it again here.
Why do the mentors stand on the apron?!
It would be OK if there was a reason. Like, it would make sense if every once in a while, Kofi Kingston just walked into the ring and started slapping McGillicutty in the face.
Be all like, "What (slap) are (slap) you (slap) DOING?!
I told you to sweep the leg, bitch!"
That would be cool.
Othewise, what's the point?
What can he do on the apron that he can't do on the floor?
Is there some sort of computer network up there?
What the hell?!
At the end of the day, this match was supposed to go to Michael McGillicutty because Zack Ryder sucks and all, but someone at WWE must have gotten wind of the NXT Insanity intro I did and had him win.
Thanks, WWE.
Of all the times to put lingerie-boy over…
Last Sunday:
Undertaker rose out of a casket.
Every time he does stuff like that, I hear the song "The Final Countdown" by Europe and picture G.O.B. from Arrested Development dancing around.
Backstage, Kaval's mentors Lay-Cool are sing his praises.
The TNA-Lover walks off and leaves Layla and Michele McCool behind.
The two have a heart-to-heart about Lay's feelings for Kav.
Remember that kiss a few weeks ago?
What was that all about?
Layla admits to enjoying Low-Ki's voice, but stops short of admitting too much.
She leaves Michele McCool behind to contemplate the short, half frog/half hottie, deep-voiced, whiney babies they'd make.
As Michele stands there, Husky Harris walks by.
He stops at the co-Diva champion and asks, "Do you believe in love at first site or should I walk by again?"
As she tells him to walk by again, she trots off in another direction.
Rejected, Mike Rotunda's little tax write-off sneers and vows to beat her boy tonight.
Commercial Break. Lake Placid 3 debuts this week on SyFy.
It has a lot to live up to after Lake Placid 2 and its 11 Oscar Nominations.
Heh!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME ON TV?!
Speak up, boy!
It's Dashing, Grandpa.
Dashing Cody Rhodes.
No, Grandpa.
Dashing!
What?!
Ass Cheese!?
HEH?
2. Kaval pinned Husky Harris
Next up is Husky Harris, with Cody Rhodes in his corner, against Kaval, with Michele McCool in his corner.
You k now, Husky looks fatter.
Is it me?
I know it's not nice to talk about stuff like that and normally I don't, but I think it might be on purpose.
I can just hear someone saying to him, "Look.
There's big fat wrestler and big fat guy.
You want to be a big fat wrestler.
There's a difference between Capt Lou and Al Gore."
So maybe he bulked up, trying to get closer to that One Man Gang territory.
Say what you will about his size, but Harris can go, boy.
He keeps up with Kaval every time out and when the Total Nonstop Actioneer hit his flying foot stamp, he eats it and finds himself pinned.
The match, though, was pretty good and both guys deserve credit for that.
Commercial Break.
Linda McMahon is running to be a U.S. Senator from Connecticut.
That would sound insane to say, but Wyclef Jean wanting to be President of Haiti kind of raised the bar for ridiculous names to match with political positions.
Did You Know? That Last Week SummerSlam Was The Most Searched Term on Google.
The second most searched term?
"free boobie pics."
3. Kofi Kingston pinned Alex Riley
Miz couldn't be here this week because he's on an overseas tour of Asia and definitely not tied up in Michael Cole's closet.
He swears.
Asia.
No closet.
The big talk here was Riley's victory last night over Daniel Bryan.
Obviously one of the guys WWE would love to see get over, Alex has a look they could market to the hilt.
The gimmick is classic.
The attitude is cocky. The biggest problem is that he still doesn't seem 100% comfortable in his skin yet.
I want to be into his character.
But he has to be first.
As for the finish, it was what you'd expect.
Kofi nails the Trouble in Paradise and scored himself a three count.
But it will be his last…
…tonight.
Stay tuned for the next NXT elimination.
Don't flip around or Michael Cole will come to your house and kill your pets.
Commercial Break.
Sonic sells a foot long hotdog now and is open late for drive-thru service.
Man.
Who knew that little blue hedgehog would have such a strong business sense and work ethic?
Video package of
WWE Summer Slam Weekend.
Randy Orton proclaims, "WWE is taking over L.A."
Considering how desperate for money California is, I would venture to say that could actually be a possibility.
I'm sure Vince could pick it up at a nice price.
Last night's Raw was hosted by Charlie Day from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the guy from SNL who reminds me of Andy Bernard from The Office, and that other guy that looks familiar but I can't remember what I've seen him in.
Points deducted because no one sung Day Man.
Also, the below-the-surface John Cena heel tease continued.
It’s so subtle that it's either been the most amazing tease they've ever done or it's all in our heads.
Matt Striker is in the ring.
He asks Michael Cole and Josh Matthews who should go on tonight.
Cole mentions the word, "Impact" a lot.
It's not as a shoutout to TNA, though.
It's to cut down Low-Ki, someone who reminds him of Internet Sensation Susan Boyle, and build up Alex Riley, someone who reminds him of a guy he'd really like to tongue kiss in the mouth.
As for Josh Matthews, he agrees.
Of course, he does it as less of a d**k.
But he's on the Kaval sucks, Riley rules train too.
What will happen?
Will Senshi go home?
We'll find out after the brizneak.
Commercial Break.
SyFy has a show called "Warehouse 13".
I don't watch it because I never saw the other 12, so why bother?
Pressed for time, we come back from break so we can murder the dreams of another WWE hopeful.
Who will it be?
100 people survey, top four answers on the board, here's the question.
Which star is going home?
Survey says…
Husky Harris.
Incensed, Harris grabs the microphone.
Before he can speak, though, Cody Rhodes jumps in.
He hints that Zack Ryder is going to get fired and calls Layla a Lay-Ho.
Red-faced and ranting, Dancing Cody grabbed
the spotlight and went off on each of the rookies himself.
Even when Husky tried to get a word in, he was stopped by Codedust, who turned his ire to each remaining rookie.
He insulted Alex Riley.
He then went over to Michael McGillicutty and said…
- Cody Rhodes
When he got to Kaval, the mood changed, though.
Instead of speaking, he opened up and started whaling on him.
It turned into a giant brawl involving all the rookies, MVP, and Kofi Kingston.
Double H ended up worse for wear and beaten silly.
With chaos around ringside, Husker had no choice but to retreat like a big egg with arms in the night and live to fight another day as we fade to black.
All in all…it's the final stretch.
The show has changed, as it does at this point, and I think fans are ready to see where this all goes. They've gotten to know these guys and it's less about introductions now.
Remember, NXT Season One was over before they finally melded all the guys into one stable.
I think some fans are hoping for some sort of similar situation here.
If not, I'm sure WWE realizes that there is an expectation that they'll do something big with these guys.
Sure, it might not be on a Nexus Level, but the expectations exist.
The Kaval shoutout was weird.
I'm sure he picked up another like nine votes from that.
You're supposed to jump off the sinking ship and swim away, Senshi.
You're not supposed to swim back up to it again and wave hi.
That does it for me.
Be sure to check out the new "Make Your Case" audio on
ClubWWI.com and all we have going on here at the New World Wrestling Insanity.
Be well!
Thanks for sharing my Insanity!
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| All content contained here Copyright 2012 by James Guttman |
