Last night at SummerSlam…Randy Orton defeated John Cena. Thousands of keyboards across the world were waterlogged with frustrated tears.

Randy Orton's icy eyes welcome us to Raw. Close-up and panning out, Orton lets us know about last night's battle between himself and John Cena. Seems that a "fan" jumped in. That fan? He's not a fan at all. He's the brother of Legacy Member Ted DiBiase…Brett DiBiase! (JG Note: What's he saying? He's "not a fan?" Why not? Well, I can't blame him. I hear you, Brett. This stuff gets kinda stupid a lot of the time. Shows a lot of guts being so open about it.) Legacy acknowledge Brett's participation in last night's war to settle the score, but claim the bout would have ended the same way. Even without Brett attacking the official during a crucial point, there was only one finish that could have happened. Dandy Randy puddin' and pie, beats John Cena, makes him cry. Booyah! To the moon, ma.

In the arena, Lillian Garcia starts things off by introducing Mr. McMahon. It was a one line intro, but she didn't screw it up. She said it real good. All the words and everything. Come on. Clap. Let's be supportive, guys.

You've got old pants! Old pants in hell!

Vince McMahon is here, people! Daddy Mac has some things to say about Randy Orton's ish with John Cena. Tonight, we're going to fix things up a bit. Vinnie Mac is booking a match between the two that will settle this whole conflict once and for all. It will happen…

Crowd cheers.

…in three weeks at "Breaking Point!"

Crowd Boos.

VKM sees this, smiles and tries to stop the crowd from revolting like a congressional Town Hall meeting.

"You never tell what could happen here tonight…"
              - Vince McMahon

Ha ha. But three weeks from now…that's the real show! Yeah. This Pay-Per-View will be an I Quit show. They were going to call it the Brock Lesnar Show, but thought they could get sued. The idea here is that all the matches will be decided by submission! How's that sound? What? Really? We thought it sounded good.

Hey Shawn, this cowboy hat says "Women's" inside the flap.

HEY! GET OUT OF MY STUFF!

I was just…

JUST GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY STUFF! PUT THE CHAPS DOWN!

Degeneration X sees the TV camera and, like moths to a porch light, they're drawn to it. Vince tries to welcome his DeGenerate family member, however he's stopped in his tracks. Triple H first apologizes for not having the cannon here tonight. He does have a surprise for us all though. But first, we need to address the happy-go-lucky WWE chairman. What up with that?

"I don't like good guy Vince McMahon. Just nice honest caring Vince McMahon. It's just creepy. It's not right. It's like Michael Vick at a PETA convention."
- Triple H

(JG Note: Feels like foreshadowing of some sort.)

The duo then try to figure out why Big Daddy Vince is so happy. Oh wait…it's August 24^th. It's someone's birthday! Who is it?

This leads us into a guessing game of celebrities leading us back to the guy with the open collar and Opie Cunningham hairdo in the ring. That's when the Game exclaims the claim of shame…

"It's Vincent Kennedy McMahon's 84^th Birthday!"
        - Triple H

The crowd starts to chant "84."

"I'm sorry. It's Vincent Kennedy McMahon's 74^th Birthday!"
         - Triple H

"74!"
   - Crowd

"He's actual 70."
        - Triple H

No one chanted 70. We had all tired of this game. Like playing peek-a-boo with a kid on a train who just won't let it go. Turn around, kid. We're done. Move on. Segment over.

"I'm 64!"
  - Vince McMahon

This brings out some DeGeneration laughter…

"Oh you told everybody how old you are on TV!"
- Shawn Michaels

Shawn talks heart-to-heart to the birthday boy. Let's get straight on this, old man. How many birthdays do you have left? You're ancient. Michaels doesn't mind if you want to be a stick in the mud. After all, ol' Vince here is a genius! He's the reason we all watch WWE TV! As Shawn sings his praises, you know where things are going. Going where? Right here! Bam!

Video of Vince McMahon set to "Through The Years." Halfway through it switches to "Stand Back" from the 1987 Slammy's. From there, we go to the montage of McMockeries ranging from Steve Austin to the Spirit Squad. Happy Birthday, Mr. McMahon. You're a dilweed.

But that's not all, Triple H points to the aisle and says, "I bet you won't forget this…"

Nothing happens.

So he says it again.

This time a cake comes out, wheeled by interns, who are going to get yelled at later. It's the same cake Randy Orton jumped out of in 2004. Man. They're reusing stuff with DX all the time. First they get more mileage out of that cannon from way back when. Now they're using the extra cakes they got in the '04 Orton set.

The cake stops at ringside and with his eyes reddening, McMahon stands between the grinning DXers as they bring out surprise #2...Dancing Vegas Showgirls! Uh. Sure. Whatever.

Surprise #3...Cirque Di Sole. I kid you not. It's like I'm tripping. Guys on weird stilts with masks come out. A part of me feels like this segment is an effort to make any old school veterans watching at home want to kill themselves. Seeing the circus acts jump around and do little pirouettes or what-have-you, McMahon sums it up in his Archie Bunker way.

"Those masks are really gay. Wow."
- Vince McMahon

By the way, this has been going on for 20 minutes.

Last, but certainly least, it's the King of Rock-n-Roll…Elvis!

Yeah. I thought it might be The Honky Tonk Man too. It wasn't. Those bastards.

The Elvis Impersonator enters the ring, hands VKM a pair of shades, and instructs him to put them on. After coaching the chairman to gyrate, he asks the audience to join him in a stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday."

21 minutes.

The crowd sings along and cheers. Now we go to the cake with the one question we're all wondering. Who's in it? Dick Johnson or Mae Young? Johnson or Young?

Drum Roll….

Dick Johnson.

Slippery, blubbery, half-naked Dick jumps out and dances for the boss, but is tossed from the ring. He's not happy. But little does he know that this leads to the big moment. With that out of the way, DeGens instruct the circus peeps and showgirls to leave the ring.

23 minutes.
-
There's an awkward pause as it takes forever for the people to leave the ring. When they finally bounce, DX turn back to the owner and give him one last surprise. Ready? Ready? Just stand…right here. Oh no. Stand there. Ha ha! Shakily, they try to line the boss up with something above the ring. They keep looking above. Uh oh! There's slime up there, I bet! Ohhhh! Teee heee heee!

We never find out. Legacy, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes, jump in. They pound the jokers and the crowd actually boos them for it. You people are nuts. They should be your heroes. They made this segment go away.

Codedust and The Million Dollar Baby hit the road and Randy Orton, their leader, meets them at the top of the ramp. Trips grabs the microphone and he has no problem with the WWE Champion making an appearance. Glad to see you here, Randall. You're involved in this too….

"Since Floyd Mayweather isn't here yet tonight, I'm going to make a match. The three of you versus DeGeneration X…and our partner, Vincent Kennedy McMahon."
      - Triple H

"and the match is no-disqualification! And I've always wanted to do this. If you're not down with that, we've got two words for you!"
      - Vince McMahon

26 minutes.

Gotta be honest. That was much ado about nothing. There's nothing worse than these segments that could be cut by 2/3. It's like they were at a creative meeting and said, "I have a really good idea for a 10 minute opening!" But then someone else said, "Yeah, but how can we make sure that people change the channel during it? Let's make it longer than a standard TV sitcom. That'll do it.

Also, you have to admit that it seems pretty conceivable that "The night they teamed with Vince McMahon" is pretty high on the list of choices for "When did DX jump the shark?"

Commercial Break. Floyd "Money" Mayweather, our host, is on his way to Raw. You know, when I heard Money was hosting Raw, I thought it was this guy….

But Floyd's okay, I guess.

1. Miz pinned Santino Marella after the Skull Crushing Finale

Miz has ditched the Kidman shorts and moved on to trunks with yin-yangs. Way to be generic. Jerry Lawler loves the move and hails it as Mike's way to be taken seriously. Whatever. Speaking of being taken seriously, Santino is full blown Salvatore Bellomo at this point and eats the "Skull Crushing Finale" for the loss. Manga, Santo. Manga,

After the bell, Mizerable Mike the Twitter King takes the microphone and lets us all know that he's looking for Kofi Kingston. When he finds him, he's going to take him out. And if DX goes incredibly long at the start of the show, he might even do it in really quick fashion like he just did to Jabronie Babaloney over here.

Commercial Break. Why is everything in 3D again? I just want to watch a movie. I don't want to wear your stupid glasses. How do I know that someone in front of me just isn't going to stand up and throw a brick at my head? I wouldn't even know it was really happening. Keep your glasses, movie people. Thanks but no thanks.

Did You Know? Raw is neither an animal, vegetable, or mineral. It is an intangible that lives in all of us. Discuss.

2. Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox, and Eve Torres defeated Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Mickie James

Floyd Mayweather is nowhere to be found, but there's a six-woman Mayweather Melee. It's things like this that make you realize how no matter what they do with the Divas, they're here for one reason. At the end of the day, it beats wrestling in egg nog. We've come a long way, but it's still about eye-candy. Leave it to these six to try to shatter that perception though. Despite the silly outfits and misogynistic dress-up gimmick, they turned it up and actually put on a respectable match. Then again, that DX thing was forever. I'm thankful for any wrestling on the show at this point.

Still to come: DeGeneration Jump and Mr. McShark take on Randy Orton and the Randy Orton Dancers.

Commercial Break. There's a movie coming out called "Whiteout." Nothing like naming your movie after something used to erase mistakes. Talk about handing movie critics a wide of array of witty headlines to attack you before you even debut.

Backstage, DX needs more TV time. They live on it. They eat it up like cookies. What are they looking at backstage? The Rise and Fall of WCW DVD, of course! From there, we get a sales pitch and we're sent to Vince McMahon somewhere else in the arena…

…where Jillian Hall, dressed like Marilyn Monroe, is singing "Happy Birthday" to him. He yells at her to get out of his office and Jerry Lawler thinks it's funny. Whatever.

Hey! Jack! Jack Swagger! Get over here!
-
What, Big Show?

Give me your wrestling outfit.
-
What?
-
Give - me - your - wrestling - outfit!
-
Why? It doesn't even fit you?!
-
It'll stretch! Just give it to me! I'm next!

As Big Show and Chris Jericho make their way to the ring, we go to a clip ofShow facing Floyd Mayweather at WrestleMania. You know Floyd, don't you? He's the dude who's not here yet.
-
"Floyd Money Mayweather, looks like you're doing the right thing. You're hiding from me."
            - Big Show

Oh. Is that where he is? Anyway, he better get here soon because JericShow refuse to leave the ring until he enters and allows Biggie to hurt him. So roll your quarters to the ring Moneybagz. Showster has a punch for your face.

Check yourself, bitches! Floyd Money Mayweather indeed is here. He's in the place and no investigation is gonna stop his hop. The Guest Host is here with his huge Diddy-esque entourage. Then again, MC Hammer has an entourage too.

Anyway, Uncle Floyd takes an hour and a half to walk to the ring. His song plays through 1200 times and when he finally brings his shiny self in the ring, he addresses the Giant.

"Monday Night Raw. That's right. The Money Day. You know what I did to you last year at WrestleMania. And I will do it again…tonight. But, I have a September 19^th pay-per view bout that's more important."
        - Floyd Mayweather
-
Nice. More important.

"You were introduced as the greatest fighter in the world, but I disagree. I think you're a great self-promoter. You're a great self-promoter, but as a boxer, I don't think you're very good."
      - Chris Jericho

Get this, Jericho manages to plug Mayweather's fight in his threat! Yup. He goes off but adds in the date and opponent when verbally attacking. This is the second time he's done this. I swear. During the 7/13 Raw hosted by Seth Green  he did the same thing. That's skills. The trash talk continues and if only there was someone in a unitard to be the voice of reason.

Did someone say unitard? MVP arrives and he's doing the John Cena standup comedy gimmick to a tee. Honest. It's painful. It sounds exactly like Cena. Seriously. It was John Cena - 100%. If you have this thing on DVR or VHS or Beta or whatever, go back and watch it. Now picture John saying it line for line - inflection and everything. That's what this was. When they talk about how writers make everyone sound this same, this is what they're talking about.

When Monty VP gets done channeling the ghost of The Marine, he asks Floyd Mayweather for one favor. If he can find a partner to defeat JericShow right now, can Montel and said partner get a tag title shot at Breaking Point? Mayweather is happy to oblige. If you, MVP, can team with someone to beat the tag champions, you'll get a title match at Breaking Fest! Now who you got?

Mark Henry Fun Fact: Mark is very happy that Ruben Studdard isn't that famous anymore because now people can stop telling him that he reminds them of him.

Mark Henry is the big surprise. He's here to back up his pajama wearing friend. It's on like Mardi Gras. Wait. That doesn't rhyme. Whatever. It's on. That's the important part.

3. Mark Henry and MVP defeated Big Show and Chris Jericho when MVP pinned Jericho

Mark Henry is in the same boat as The Great Khali to me. He's a good guy and there's zero reason for it. He's just so much more believable as a monster. The days of his car-lifting on Smackdown are long gone. Seeing him smile is like seeing Godzilla smile. It makes no sense. The battle was slow and methodical with MVP taking most of the punishment. Mark grinned from ringside and held the tag rope while we all took a bit of a nap. Even Porter's half-hearted attempt to tag Henry in got no reaction. Know why? Oh Henry barely moved. He didn't make it seem like he even wanted a tag. Meh. As things dragged on longer, the announcers talked about submission moves, Show's hands, commercial breaks, and other things. It all had started to get really old by the time we came to a close, the audience were dying for a chance to wake up. It came when Money Mayweather handed The View guy his gold necklace. Emveepee palmed the bling and slammed Y2J across the noggin. The Canadian dropped like bag of Molon and fell to the 1,2,3. Henry and Porter go on to Break Fest on PPV.

Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, and Brett DiBiase are chatting backstage when Randy Orton walks in. Orton tells Brett to take a walk. He then addresses his loyal troops. Good news, fellas. Dandy Randy gets to finish off Vince McMahon on his birthday. If McMahon wants to book Randall against John Cena in an I Quit Match? Fine. But that's the last thing he's gonna do. Sleep well, old man.

Commercial Break. The Small Hands Family hate eating at Burger King. They say it's because it makes their hands look smaller in comparison to the burgers. Personally, I think it's because it gives them heartburn like it does to me.

4. Boxing Match: Hornswoggle defeated Chavo Guerrero via disqualification

This is just another in a long line of stupidity that these two are doing. I don't know who came up with this. Just when I hope it's all over, Jerry Lawler points out that this seems to be a running gag. Every week, the Raw host is looking for ways to embarrass Chavo Guerrero against Hornswoggle. Geez. Fed up with being a joke, Chavo finally freaked out. He ditched the boxing gimmick and instead went buck on the leprechaun, earning a disqualification.

Frustrated and worried that it might lead to his new hair falling out, Guerrero lets it all out on his miniature antagonizer. Just as he's about to hit his finisher, though, Chavo finds himself frustrated once more.

Because Evan Bourne rushes the ring, stops his attempt to squash the little person, and nails Kerwin White with a Shooting Star Press. Another silly segment comes to an end…but this time there's the hope of a real match at the end of the rainbow. Bourne- Guerrero. Nothing exciting but it's better than what we have. Can you believe we've gotten to the point where the prospect of a match - any match - seems exciting? Lowered expectations, anyone?

Commercial Break. I really hope those people jumping up and down in the Subway Commercials screaming, "I won! I won!" won something good. Imagine you saw someone doing that over a free Pepsi or something? And you know what? If they did win $10,000 or something, they might want to draw little attention to yourself. Yeah. Jump up and down and scream. That's a good way to get mugged, genius.

Floyd Mayweather is training Vince McMahon backstage when Carlito runs in to complain about not being on the show. DX then appears because if they're off television for move than ten minutes at a time, they think you might forget them. The whole thing ends with Carly getting knocked out by one punch from Vinnie "64" McMahon. Yup. One punch. You ever play Chutes and Ladders? That's Carlito's career.
-
Last night at SummerSlam...
-

--
Commercial Break. AutoZone. Don't buy a nice car. Buy a crappy one and pay AutoZone more money to fix it up then you would spend to just get one that works. That was their original slogan.

5. Vince McMahon, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels defeated Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, and Cody Rhodes when Vince pinned Orton

There's a lot hinging on this match. I don't mean for the guys wrestling. I mean for us watching. This match will make this show good or bad. A big moment could save it. An underwhelming one will be the boring end to a boring Raw. Things kicked off at a high pace. Michaels jumped over the top rope and came sailing down on the baddies below. I wanted to get more into the match than I did, but I couldn't. There just seemed to be something unnatural for Vince and DX to team up. I know they did something once before way-back-when, but this was too much. The whole point of their gimmick is to go against authority. This is like Zach singing at the Max with Mr. Belding. It's illogical. It was too much for Randy Orton too. He tried to hightail it back to Kansas City, but was brought back to the ring by his nemesis, John Cena, who showed up on the stage. Once in the ring, Orton was Chin Music'd by HBK and pinned by VKM. Bam, bam, pin. Look at the bright side, Randy. Now Carlito won't feel so bad.

Remember what I said about this being the match that makes or breaks the show? Yeah. Broken. Cena, Hunter, McMahon, and Michaels - The Bizarro Horsemen - stand tall as we fade to black.

All in all…Ugh.

This show dragged. When it was done dragging, it dragged some more. Then it took a commercial.

The opening segment was way too long and a sign of things to come. My biggest problem with WWE TV is the long talking moments. A 20 minute segment that needs to be 20 minutes is ok. A 20 minute segment that’s simply a fluffed up 7 minute deal is a waste of time. It feels that way too. To take up nearly ¼ of the show with a DX-McMahon birthday thing that really didn't need to be that long seemed ridiculous. Then, the three of them still popped up every ten minutes. Everywhere you looked, there was DX. It got to be too much.

Mark Henry and MVP? Meh.

Evan Bourne and Chavo Guerrero? Meh again. Better than Chavo-Hornswoggle, but still. Meh.

Mike The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston? Sounds good. But not really enough to make you jump for joy over the future of WWE TV in general.

For the most part, things are stale. Every DX comeback is identical. Nothing is new. That's not surprising though…when you keep redoing old stuff. New and old - they're opposites.

OK. That does it for me. Be well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!