JG's 8/24 NXT Insanity: Pantsless Trivia, Nobody Remembers Johnny Ace, and MVP Wrestles Cody Rhodes For a Really Long Time
By James Guttman Aug 25, 2010 - 12:32 AM
Michael McGillicutty: Hey Kaval. Whatchu doing?
Kaval: Nothing. Just writing a letter to TNA. Vince is making me do it because I said "Total Nonstop Action" during my promo last week.
McGillicutty: Oh. That sucks. Can I read it?
Kaval: (covering paper with his hands) No! It's private!
McGillicutty: Come on, man.
Kaval: (eyes clenched shut) NO! Get out of my room! I'm telling! VINCE! He's in my room!
McGillicutty: Dude. What is wrong with you? We're in Burger King. Stop shouting. I'm not in your room.
Kaval: (shouting louder) GET OUT OF MY ROOM! VINCE! HE'S IN MY ROOM!
Burger King Employee: Is everything ok over here?
McGillicutty: Yeah. My friend here is just a little. I don’t know. Weird.
Kaval: I'm writing a private letter and he won't leave. Can you please make him leave?
Employee: Why are you doing a fake voice?
Kaval:(insulted) It's my real voice.
Employee: Really? That's crazy. It sounds like a little kid doing an impression of a grown up.
Kaval: AH! EVERYBODY GO AWAY! I need to write this! I'm trying to get it in the tune of "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah," but I can't concentrate with you guys here!
Everyone walks off, leaving Kaval to finish his letter…
Hello Jarrett. Hello Dixie.
I'm with Vince now. Bet you miss me.
NXT is awesome. I ain't teasin'.
And they say they'll bring in AJ for next season.
I was training with R-Truth here.
Taught me rap songs, bought me root beer.
You remember ol Vance Archer.
His nervous twitch's gone since his TNA departure.
Gave you shout-outs, both last Tuesday.
On the live show, Vince was fuming.
Wants us grateful, has much power.
So he made me spend the day with Joanie Lauer.
Now I don't want to pour the fear on,
Samoa Joe's here. With his gear on.
At least you still have Jeffery Hardy.
When he's not in jail, he's only slightly tardy.
Let me stay...
Oh Jarrett Dixie.
Let me stay.
I love N-X-T.
Don't bring me back to your show there -
Whack Impact with Hulk and Cactus Jack
Let me stay.
I promised not to shout you out
or bitch or whine or stomp about.
To make Vince understand,
I roundhouse kicked a cameraman,
Uncle Jarrett, Darling Dixie,
How's your EC. Dub-Quick Fixie?
Heard it's over. In the shitter.
At least that's what I read on Fake Hulk's Twitter.
Wait a minute. Guys are leaving.
Vince is bankrupt. Fans are grieving.
Guess I'll come back. Ha ha - never.
Jeff and Dixie kindly both go cram this letter.
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(38 Min Shoot) "The Franchise" Shane Douglas: "We owe it to (the ECW Fans). We owe it to the guys that are no longer with us. We owe it to ourselves. And we owe it to the legacy of the company to make sure if you go out there and do something, it better be for the right reason and not just because Dixie Carter needs to try to pull a buyrate because she's run her company so miserably."
Other Topics in Shane's
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HUGE NEW UNCUT SHOOT SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW!
Last week, Husky Harris and Percy Watson were sent home.
Cody Rhodes, who’s either doing Husky or else he really wants to, went buck on everyone. How dare they eliminate Harris? Why? Because he sings Creed songs and smells like mozzarella sticks all the time? Who are you people to judge?
You smell that?
What is that?
It's Michael Cole, alongside Josh Matthews, for another rip-roaring edition of Tuesday Night NXT.
On this pretaped episode, WWE is featuring a quiz show game because, you know, that will really sell it to those who are reading spoilers and on-the-fence about actually watching.
Because, if there's one thing wrestling fans want to watch on TV, it's a bad work/shoot Jeopardy thing.
So grab your quiz card and get ready for a night of wrestling on-par with a Big Brother HOH challenge.
The crew is spending a few nights in China, but NXT is here.
Holla if you hear me.
If you don't hear me, well, then just nod along.
We have a show to watch and it's nxt.
NXT Theme Plays.
We…are…wild and young.
And we… like…egg foo yung.
The show kicks off in its usual way.
We kill time by introducing each professional and, uh, amateur one by one. It kills some time, which seems to be the goal. I honestly feel like if they could do a solid rating just by introducing people, having them return to the locker room, and then just doing it again over and over for an hour, they would. Anyone who ever went to a live show featuring a battle royal knows what I’m talking about. 20 dudes all walking to the ring about 15 steps behind the next guy and getting a half-hearted announcement from
Howard Finkel. Mario ManCINI!...Omar ATLAS!...From the
Matt Striker holds court and he’s standing by with Kaval, Alex Riley, and Michael McGillicutty. The three remaining rookies listen as Striker explains how important this moment is for them. Next week is the finale of NXT. It’s the LST NXT, if you will. It’s a big deal. You must be all gooey eyed and hammered on the glory, right? What say you, McGillicutty?
Michael McGillicutty: Calls out to the crowd. They cheer. At this point, I expected him to go heel on them, but no. He just went with the aw-shucks approach. He mentions his happiness over being able to perform in the same ring as his father. Usually people would come down on this as a way to bring up his family history, but given that it’s the final weeks of the show, Mike can get a pass. He’s a good wrestler and he really seems to have natural ability in the ring. That said, he seems to have the personality of a box of a colorforms.
Alex Riley: Tries to grab the mic from Striker. Matt no-sells it and even gives Riley a little shove. A love tap, as they say. When A-Ri finally got the stick, he delivered another sneering Varsity Villain promo. He refers to himself as the Total Package, which is funny. Then he calls out Sheamus, which could possibly be even funnier. Ultimately Riley, had no doubt he’d be here for the finals, adding, “Because the show is fake. They told me I’d be here. Oh crap. Did I just think that or say it? Oh my God. I said it. I’m saying what I’m thinking. I have to think of nothing. Think of nothing. Blank. Think blank. Think…I want to lick ice cream off Undertaker’s wife. OH NO! I SAID THAT TOO! GOD! I CAN’T STOP! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!”
Kaval: The Ugandan Mini Kavala thanks the fans for their support and takes the moment to address Cody Rhodes. Cody needs to accept responsibility for his rookie’s elimination. With that, he makes things rather awkward.
“You didn’t even earn your way into the company. You got here because of your father.” - Kaval
Yikes. I thought that was, you know, a secret.
Rhodes is not happy with this Sam Pepper-esque attempt to wind him up. He makes a few half-hearted jokes about Low-Ki’s low height and then turns the mic back to him. Setting up this…
“Hey you want to do all this talking. At least I’m the last of a dead breed. I earned my way into this company. I earned my way onto this stage. And I earned my way to perform for the WWE Universe.” - Kaval
The rookie challenges Ashy Cody to come to the ring, but it’s a no-go. Codedust laughs at the unoriginal nature of Kaval’s insults. Rhodes has heard it all before. In fact, K-Val is nothing more than "the gum I scrape off the bottom of my boots." After some you’re-a-rookie put-downs, Croad refuses the challenge.
This brings in Montel Porter. He tells Dusty’s undeserving spawn that he should give Senshi some credit. Again, the Dashing One laughs him off. MVP is having none of that nonsense, though. He goes toe-to-toe with Dasher and lays out a challenge of his own. How about we do Cold Eez against the Most Valuable Porter…tonight? One on one. Mano e mano.
Pork and beans. You down, Son of a Son?
Rashy Cody accepts Montel’s challenge, tosses down his clipboard, and heads to the back. Matt Striker tells me not to go away during the commercial. Then he tells me that there’s a trivia contest after the break. That’s actually his reason why I shouldn’t go anywhere. Really? Who the hell put that on paper and said, “That’ll keep people watching, Matt. Make sure you really hammer the point. Be like, ‘You’ll miss the trivia if you flip around!’ But, you know, use your own words. You don’t even have to sell this. It sells itself. Shit, man. It’s a trivia contest!”
Trivia Challenge = All Three Guys around a table in wrestling gear with a buzzer. Round One questions are worth 100 points. Second round questions are worth 200 points. Third round questions are worth 25 points, three goats, and a box of Wheat Thins.
Question 1: Who competed in the Iron man match at
WrestleMania 12 in 1996?
Michael McGillicutty: “HBK and….uh,
It took a while for him to answer and Kaval didn’t even ring in. Across the country smart mark fans wonder if Kaval truly is one of them after all.
Question 2: Pete Gas, Joey Abs, and Rodney made up what group?
Mean Street Posse.”
Question 3: What WWE Superstar’s entrance theme begins with the words, “You think you know me?”
Michael McGillicutty: “Edge”
Question 4: What the hell is going on with the world when THIS is what constitutes a wrestling show?
Oh. Sorry. That’s what I’m asking myself right now as I slam my head into the wall.
Question 4: What other famous billionaire did Mr. McMahon put his hair against at
Michael McGillicutty: “
Ironic footnote to that match, Donald and Vince are the only two names involved with it that they’ll mention on TV.
Question 5: The Killswitch is the finishing move of what superstar?
Question 6: Triple H’s theme song is played by what famous rock band?
Michael McGillicutty: “
James Guttman: “
Wrong! - Kaval: “
End of Round One –
Zero. Alex Riley has zero. You know what that means? I’m not even playing and, after ten questions, he’s tied with me.
Question 7: Which WWE Hall of Famer was the first Intercontinental Champion and once accused of asking a new employee, “So, you’re the new guy. What do you taste like?”
Question 8: Which current
WWE Diva won the Diva Search contest in 2007?
Michael McGillicutty: “I think it was Eve.”
Question 9: Complete the following lyric, “Here comes the Ax. And here comes the Smasher…”
Kaval: “The Demolition. Walking disaster.”
This brings the total to –
Riley/Everyone Else On Earth: 0
Question 10: Oooo! Here’s a fun one. What mode of transportation did the Dynamic Dudes use on the way to the ring? Oh come on.
“Dynamic Dudes? You guys don’t remember? Oh. Good luck in all your future endeavors!” - Matt Striker
Get it? Haha. Because
Johnny Ace fires people and was in a tag team that no one really remembers because
Shane Douglas went on to do cooler things like his own ClubWWI.com interview.
Alex Riley: “Boogieboards.”
Matt Striker: “Really? Boogieboards?”
I laugh out loud. Sucks to be Johnny Ace and his skateboards. No one gets it right.
Striker asks A-Ri how he feels about having zero points so far. Alex says he doesn’t care and Matt thinks that he just might when he sees the mystery prize they’re competing for. Oh wow! I wonder what it could be. You don’t think…could it be? Pogs? Ooooo!
Question 11: Who holds the record for the most times winning the
Alex Riley: “Triple H.”
Well no duh.
The winner is crowned and it’s Kaval. His prize? A big feature on WWE’s website, the same place where fans will be voting for the NXT winner. Cole then shows that he’s completely schizophrenic in his new half heel persona when he tries to wing it, only to realize that he’s supposed to be playing the neutral guy because this pertains to voting. I kid you not. This is what he said:
“Well that’s great! Just what we need. More Kaval on the Internet. No but seriously, I have to admit he’s had a great night here tonight. Kaval. He had a great promo earlier tonight and, of course, the trivia competition here.” –
He doesn't just change his words.
He changes his whole demeanor.
Goes from venomous sarcasm to the happy happy joy joy dance in two seconds.
He makes sure to switch back and insult Kaval again before heading to the commercial, just to bookend his new disjointed approach to commentary. It doesn’t really matter though. I’m so burnt out on stupid trivia contests by dudes in their underwear, that I’m barely listening. Is it just me or should wrestlers be forced to wear normal clothes when not wrestling? It gets kind of creepy.
You don't need tight green underpants to ring a buzzer, man.
Put some slacks on.
Commercial Break. There’s a new movie coming out called “
The Last Exorcism.” Not a smart name. If someone makes another exorcism movie after this, I’m suing them for false advertising. I’m sorry, your honor, but when I paid to see that film, I was promised it would actually be “the last” exorcism. I need to be compensated for punitive damages that they’ve given me.
Last night, Michael Cole's dingy machine determined that Sheamus will be defending the WWE Title in a Six Pack Challenge at Night of Champions.
Maybe it's just me, but a "six pack challenge" sounds like it should involve beer, a screwdriver, and some sort of funneling device followed by a tricycle race or something.
How does Rey Mysterio get away with being in a 7-11 without a shirt on?
There's a sign up in the one by my house demanding one, along with shoes, or else I get no service.
Also, while not technically illegal, I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon to show up in a convenience store wearing a mask.
Secrets To Long Lingering Mental Issues in Wrestlers Volume 1:
Now we'onna say grace, if you weel.
I'm'a'fixin' dig in on dis here...HEY!
Put dat gawdam turkey layg down!
We're all so hungry.
Thanksgiving is supposed to be for all of us.
I done tol'ja Cody.
You grow up and become a dashing man, you can have yo'own turkey.
Till then you watch Daddy eat dis here turkey.
No buts'dere, Cody.
Now sit dere next to yo brudda in latex and watch the 'Merican Dream dine on dis gobble-gobbler here.
Cody Rhodes is in the ring and his opponent is fixing to come give him a clubberin'.
Secrets To Long Lingering Mental Issues in Wrestlers Volume 2:
Hey little, Montel.
Welcome to Kindergarten.
Want to know a secret that only your Kindergarten teacher can tell you?
If you don’t put a small strip of tape on your face - right here - your nose will fall off.
Be sure to never forget that.
1. Cody Rhodes pinned MVP
I know it's kind of early, but Cody Rhodes is the Miz of his split.
Remember how when they split Miz and John Morrison, everyone thought John would go on to rule the world?
Well, it didn't happen right away, as many thought.
In fact, it still hasn't happened yet.
Mike Mizanin, on the other hand, ended up jumping up from nowhere and catching on.
The same can be said of Priceless.
Ted DiBiase was the golden boy while Cody was the "eh, he's ok" guy.
They gave Ted the Million Dollar Belt, the Million Dollar gimmick, and even Million Dollar Maryse, and yet…meh.
He's just not there yet.
Dash-beep Cody, though, has gotten with nothing more than a digital mirror and a shiny Member's Only jacket.
Good for him.
Does he have the most charisma in the world?
But then again, he's young and just getting this new Dashing deal figured out.
In the meanwhile, he plays a great deal.
He did many classic spots including dropping to his butt and begging off when faced with a punch and taking time to jaw with the official.
As for Monty The Red Nosed Porter, he may not be the most pushed guy on the payroll, but he's all over these NXT shows.
A spot like that is worth something.
At the announce table, Michael Cole and Josh Matthews take jabs at each other over their lack of announcing skills.
Both men, using catty bitchy lines that seem to be coming to them from thin air…or their headsets, tear into each other.
In the end, MVP nailed Cody with his balling elbow.
After getting hit by Porter's balls, Cody still managed to come back and regain control.
The two exchanged some slow motion Irish Whips, but it was all for naught.
Save your whips.
Save your Irish.
Like Bone Thugz and Harmony, Codedust will see you at the Cross Rhodes.
He hits his patented finisher (patent pending) and scores himself a silly little win.
They call him rubberneck.
Rubberneck Rhodes dashes back to the showers as we fade to black.
All in all…Wow.
Was that a weird show or what?
One match - 30 minutes.
One trivia contest and promo thing - 30 minutes.
Put them together, you have a show that seemed to go by in a second yet drag on for months.
Why give Rhodes and MVP so much time?
Did we need that prolonged match?
Was it to remind us that this was a wrestling show after all?
Here's the good news.
This week didn't count.
You remember how at the end of the school year, the teacher would have everyone bring in board games?
Then she'd sip rum at her desk and make you watch PBS videos she taped at 3am?
This is that time. The "season" ends next week and this show is treading water until that happens.
And it will happen.
I'm going with McGillicutty at this point.
I can't seen Alex Riley winning anything at this point and Kaval, like Husky Harris, doesn't need it as much.
His character will do just fine without it.
Mike, on the other hand, wouldn't.
So my vote goes to him.
I doubt I'll actually vote.
But in the spiritual sense, my vote goes to him.
I'm voting for him in my head.
That does it for me.
Big interview set for tomorrow.
Catch it then or be left out of the conversation the next day.
This is one guest you won't want to miss!