JG's NXT Finale Insanity: A Winner Is Crowned And Then Promptly Beaten By NV2.0
By James Guttman Sep 1, 2010 - 12:03 AM
Stu! Yeah. You reading this - Stu! Where you been, Stu? It's me. Donald Trump - pronounced with an umpty. You know, Stu, almost four years ago, World Wrestling Federtainment asked me, Donald Trump, to give the history of Wrestlemania. Two years later, they had me do it again. So when this Nexus show approached its finale, I said, "Vince." That's what I call him. Vince. He's a good personal friend of mine. I said, "Vince, can I please do another history lesson for your WWF fans?" And with a look of love and friendship in his eye, Vince Vaughn said, "Why are you asking me? I have nothing to do with wrestling."
So I called the wrestling company and they said, "Yeah. But you don't know what the f**k you're talking about." I'm guessing that's slang that kids use to mean like I'm a smart cookie. You know how they say you're stupid and fat but they mean good? Like, "Yo. That gold plated Rolls Royce that Mr. Trump owns is stupid fat!" Well, that's how I saw it and I thanked them for such a lovely compliment. But that's just who I am. I'm stupid. I'm fat. And I don't know what the f**k I'm talking about.
What the hell is that smell? Heh? You guys smell that? Stu? You? Smells like peanut butter and onions. Yuck. Speaking of which, sweetheart, where's that mango I asked for? I'm parched and I gotta tell Stu here a little story I like to call...
Donald Trump's History of NXT
Last night, Monday Night Raw turned 900 years old. Few people know, though, that WWF NXT turned 904 three months ago. The longest runny endoscopic television program in the history of wrestling, NXT gets its name from the phrase - "Noah's X-Ray Tests." Noah, you see, was the first winner of NXT and he went on to win the Stanley Cup from the Russians in Rocky 2. But, I digress.
Noah was a hamster - a blue/green hamster that, alongside big stars like Hollywood Hulkster and King Kong Andre, showed the world that wrestling was more than just "the wrestling." You see what I did there? I quoted. You ever quote, Stu? You do the double peace sign with your hands. Sort of like Nixon did. Then you scrunch up your fingers like bunny ears. That's all there is to it. Nixon. Bunny ears. Nixon. Bunny ears. Quotes.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Noah Nixon the Hamster.
The first season of NXT was called Toughie Nuts. It pitted Noah's team was against Rick Slimer's team inside the ominous Bell of Hell. Noah led a group consisting of Hollywood Hulkster, Andre Bundy, Mr. Wonderbread, Axl Rose, Hindu, Bobby Lindsay, and Snoopy. Slimer had his own army as well including Hollywood Hulkster, Macho Manny, Elton John, Dora the Explora, Hollywood Hulkster, and Papaya the Ugandan Headcheese.
Hey that reminds me. Sweetheart. Where is that mango?
So Noah won, or maybe he didn't, they left it open ended like Lost. WWF wanted the fans to make their own decision about whether or not he won. We all looked inside ourselves and all that "fruity stuff." Nixon. Bunny ears.
Season two had a robot named Jackie Robinson and his two robot wives, Wilma and Shirley. Jackie was a champion in his own right, but he had a vile nemesis named Rowdy Roddy Piper. Roddy was an evil villain from Glasgow who roasted his guests on Piper's Pit. He had a trademark kilt and bagpipe set. Gosh. I loved Roddy Piper. Sometimes my mind goes here and there, but I'll never forget Roddy. Met him once. He was a nice black fella.
This show happened before TV so people couldn't vote on whether Jackie Robinson should win the show or if Roddy Piper should win the show. Also, there was no oxygen because it took place on Mars, where Wilma's family came from. So everyone wore big masks that gave them air called Big Air Masks. In the end, WWF settled the fight like men in the ring. Jackie won the show by beating Roddy Piper, Barry Horrorpants, Hollywood Andre, and Jimmy Superfly all in one night. The crowd was electric.
…uted. Sorry. I thought I was about to sneeze just then. I mean to say the crowd was electrocuted. They did it to get a reaction from them, but people died. It was a sad day for all. Just like the saying goes, "You can only try to get a reaction from people long enough before you electrocute them to death." Sad face Nixon. Crying bunny ears.
How hard is it to get a freakin' mango around here!?
No one watched wrestling for the next hundred or so years…or months depending on whether you use the metric system. Instead people took part in Ultimate Frisbee and watching "Celebrity Apprentice" - which is not currently on. But stay tuned. We'll be back and I'll fire people. I fired Dennis Rodman. Remember that Dennis Rodman? He was a tough cookie, that Dennis. He was tough. I saw him on the court. Tough cookie. I liked him though. You know what? I liked him so much that he won Season 42 of NXT. I'm Donald Trump. I can do that.
Dennis Rodman's NXT win set the wheels in motion for tough cookies around the world. The next season, Rosie O'Donnell, who is not a very attractive person, faced off against The Ultimate Warriors in a three-on-one handisnacks match. No one cheered for Rosie, so she killed herself. Everyone was happy. Then the Ultimate Warriors split the prize money and adopted a baby named Bill Murray.
No one expected that baby to grow up and become a star like Mancactus Jake Snake. He did and that brought with it a whole world of opportunity. With his three way dads raising him to be a killer, Jake went on to win season, I don't know, billion. I can't even think right now. You! I'm dying of thirst! Where's that MANGO?!
This brings us to tonight. The season finale of this show that's name escapes me at the moment. After eliminating Tiny O'Neil, Eli Cottonwood - big fella, that Eli, Jordan Sparx, Hollywood Hulkamania, and Eli Cottonwood, we're down to three:
Carnival. Alice Riley. Michael The Silly Putty.
Who are you voting for? Carnival and his trademark afro? Alice and her balls of fire? Or Silly Putty and his ability to copy comics from the paper and then stretch them out really far and make Garfield all stretched out funny looking and can also be bounced on the floor but doesn't taste too good. Oh man. I loved Silly Putty. I gotta get some of that stuff.
Sweetheart? Scratch the mango. Just get me an egg of Silly Putty. Oh wait…there's the salmonella thing. Get me a Silly Putty egg beater instead. Thanks. I really appreciate the work you do. Nixon. Bunny ears.
So Stu. That's it. Watch NXT. Vote for someone. Or don't. Really, it's up to you. That's what makes America great. Well that, and silly putty.
And your mom. Ha ha. I kid, Stu. I kid. We're old friends.
After Shane Douglas rattled cages across the wrestling world with his Club Interview last week,
ClubWWI.com welcomes back out most asked about guest...
(50 Min Shoot) Jerry "The King" Lawler:
"I have never seen one TNA show in my life and I'm still not even sure what day it's on."
Other Topics in Jerry's 2nd
ClubWWI.com Interview: His True Feelings For ECW, Why ECW Died, Linda McMahon's U.S. Senate Run, The Problem With U.S. Politics Today, Whether He'll Run For Office Again, Jim Ross Being Taken Off Announcing, The Reason For Michael Cole's New Persona, Why He Doesn't Get Critics Of His Age Like Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair Do, WWE's Youth Movement Isn't New, Seeing Almost Every One of Raw's 900 Episodes Firsthand, His Favorite Wrestler To Watch on Raw, The Rise of The Miz, Harassing Bret Hart's Parents, Working Against The Nexus, Paul Heyman, The Rock, John Cena, and More Click Here To Join Now
Plus...Over 250 More Featuring All The Biggest Names From WWE, TNA, WCW, and More in uncut shoot interviews with James Guttman!
Video Recapping This Season of NXT:
We cried. We cuddled.
We hugged. We had a knife fight.
We carjacked some old people.
We did a little crack.
It was great.
NXT Theme Plays.
This song's lyrics are Not Safe For Work, but it's been stuck in my head for like four days.
I'm ready to stab myself in the ear with an icepick if I don't stop humming it.
So…I share it with you.
Happy ear icepicking.
Michael Cole's Gamer Tag is "ScumPudding420" and he's been pwning noobs all day.
By his side is Josh "Luckily I Wasn't Too Short To Be a Play By Play Guy" Matthews.
Tonight's the LST NXT for Season 2.
There's another season on the way.
By WWE's calendar, there's about 45 seasons in a year.
That makes for a lot of snow storms and birthday presents.
Who gets the best present of all tonight?
Jimmy Wang Yang?
The choice is up to you…but only out of the first three.
The other ones were just there for, you know, show.
So buck up, hockey puck.
We kick things off with Ashley Valence.
You know who that is?
She introduces all the professionals one-by-one with The Miz getting the biggest entrance of the initial intros.
Mic in one hand and red action figure binder in the other, Mike introduces his protégé, Alex Riley.
He's followed by LayCool.
Michele McCool and Layla do their harmony mic work and bring out their cute widdle pwotege, Kaval.
Then Kofi Kingston comes out and botches his intro for Michael McGillicutty.
He says he's the "Master of the McGillicutty."
I'm the Master of the Guttman.
All bow before my surname.
With everyone in the ring, Matt Striker decides to introduce the losers at ringside.
Titus O'Neil, Lucky Cannon, Percy Watson, Eli Cottonwood, and Husky Harris.
Lucky looks pissed off and Husky is dressed up all nice - like the pudgy 3rd grade bully whose mom makes him wear a vest on picture day.
Striker then turns attention to the men in the ring once more.
Even though the decision is pretty much done, they have one last chance to prove themselves. After the break, we're going to have a Triple Threat Match pitting the finalists against each other.
As the segment comes to an end, so does Kaval's patience.
Annoyed with Miz's taunts, he knocks him to the ground.
A mini battle breaks out, sending Mizzy and his A-Ri to the ring floor in a fit of anger.
From their English Announce Table, Cole and Matthews have an announcement and it's about the next NXT season.
Causing some sort of inter-dimensional crossover with The Mike Johns Insanity Universe, M.C. announces that next week, er, season's NXT will be…All Divas!
Want to meet one?
Do it anyway…
Kelly Kelly is a pro at something. She introduces her rookie, "Naomi Knight."
Naomi's from Orlando Florida.
I'm somewhat intrigued to see her in the ring.
Then Michael Cole tells me a bit about her.
"She sings and dances and even raps in her matches."- Michael Cole
Suddenly, I'm not so intrigued anymore
There's a heartburn medicine called "Asiphex."
It's pronounced "Ass Effects."
They say it over and over. Sad that it's not a hemmoroid cream.
Seems like a natural pairing.
1. Alex Riley won a
Triple Threat Match over Kaval and Michael McGillicutty by pin on McGillicutty
I'm really glad they switched Kaval's outfit.
I have to say, too, WWE is in a really good spot here.
All of these guys have potential to be their own characters to an extent.
They have much more personality than the season one guys at this stage.
I know people have wondered about seeing these guys do a Nexus-style stable, but I think that would be a waste.
The season one cast needed something like that because, to be honest, they all were a bit generic.
No one was clamoring to see Michael Tarver and Heath Slater do anything before they turned into walking letter N's.
Are they all ready?
But it's a possibility.
During the match, Cole drops some info that elimination number one takes place after this match.
Of course, this match could last four hours.
No one talks about that.
I mean, how does Cole not know that this match could last right up until the end of the show?
They could have to announce the winner all in a hurry.
Maybe Michael's talking computer told him.
Luckily for him, that didn't happen.
Riley knocked Kaval from the top rope to the floor and covered a prone Michael McGillicutty for a three count.
Although Captain Kaval Man did all the work, Alex is the one who scored the win.
From the announce table, Josh Matthews argued that Low Ki could still be viewed as the winner by the voting pros, while M.C. maintained that he wasn't the one who got the pin.
They settle it by having a blindfolded sword fight.
Alicia Fox says she's not surprised to be asked to be a pro on NXT.
She doesn't say that it's because there's only like eight divas on the payroll.
Her rookie is named Maxine.
Not the old comic strip lady Maxine with the cigarette who's on all those greeting cards and mugs - a different one.
Although the comic strip Maxine would have been cool.
Know who lives in Warehouse 13?
Inspector 13 - the guy who checks the underwear packages.
Next Diva Pro - Goldust.
Not that tape recording Oksana Mel Gibson yelled at - a different one.
Although the Mel Gibson yelled-at Oksana would have been cool.
At ringside, Matt Striker is chilling with the losers.
He asks the eliminated stars to pick winners.
"We've got the ninja.
We've got Will Ferell's look alike and a guy trying to relive his high school football days." - Titus O'Neill.
"I think Alex Riley.
He not only has everything.
He's also the most likeable." - Eli Cottonwood
"Does it even matter because you flushed this show down the toilet the minute you eliminated me!"- Lucky Cannon
Of course, the first time Cannon tries to do something different with his character in the entire time he's been on TV, Michael Cole has to blow up his spot.
"Oh now he's a bad guy."- Michael Cole
"I think it has to be Michael McGillicutty.
He has the ability and lineage.
He works hard." - Percy Watson
"Michael McGillicytty wins season two of NXT because like myself and pro, Cody Rhodes, he was born better." - Husky Harris
Matt Striker notes that no one picked Kaval.
He doesn't say it's because he smells, because that would be mean to say on TV.
We then head to the gimmicked roulette image spinner.
First one out…
Upset up the ramp, The Miz loses his cool while back in the ring, Alex Riley, still has a smile.
He tells Striker that the worst part of the show was getting talked over by him all season.
He then takes a shot at the two guys who beat him.
"My father was not a sports entertainer and I didn't spend my youth in bars wrestling trying to get an internet following." - Alex Riley
He brags about going to college and then tells us to bet on him.
Matthews wonders why we'd bet on a guy who just got eliminated.
He raises a good point.
No wonder I lose so much money at the track betting on the dead horses.
The Bella Twins are the next professionals on the agenda.
I mean pros on NXT…not, well, you know.
Their rookie is none other than NXT Ring Announcer Jamie Keyes.
She ready to step out from behind the mic.
I feel for her.
She's been doing ring announcing for like 3 weeks or something, right?
She must be so burnt out by now.
Total combined weight.
Mr. Volkoff requests that you all rise.
It gets pretty monotonous.
Smackdown is coming to SyFy on October 1st.
Let the road to cancellation begin…
WWE just got back from a tour of Aisa.
They performed in China for the first time.
Um...yeah. We'll just leave that joke alone.
The next pro is Primo.
I don't know who that is.
I think he's the wardrobe guy or something.
Anyway, his Diva is "A.J."
In last week's NXT Insanity, I had a line in the opening about how WWE was bringing in "AJ for next season."
Nice. Never doubt me again.
It's the final countdown and Matt Striker has the two remaining rookies in the ring.
First to get a chance on the mic is Michael McGillicutty.
Striker gives him an opportunity to rip into his opponent and Silly Putty goes all out.
Did you seriously submit your adopted ninja baby into the NXT competition?
I don't know whether to spank you or breast feed you." - Michael McGillicutty
What? What?! What did you say, you sick bastard?!
It was all awkward.
I mean really awkward.
McGillicutty is awful on the microphone.
Lucky for him he can get by on the main show by just memorizing lines.
Just do a Teddy Ruxpin impression for a while and you'll pass.
You won't last for decades, but you can snow 'em for a while.
That is your name.
What does that mean?
It means 'flute' I think." - Michael McGillicutty
Flute. Hardy har har. "Great" stuff.
As Michael seemed to just be warming up his stammering wandering promo from hell, the God of the buzz button came a calling…
And Alex Riley got eliminated?"- Michael Cole
Take it away, Kaval.
"Michael, you were trained by WWE Hall of Famer Harley Race, weren't you.
You're a third generation star.
You were set up perfectly to be a star here. Me? I jusrt come from a hard workign
middle class family. All I have is a high school diploima and a deep voice, right? Justr a kid from NY. But hey, hold on, homeboy.
Pay attention. I'm the one talking to you. You see, that's right, it did take me 13 years to be here. But at every stage of the game, I have earned my respect around the world. I sacraficed my time. My blood, sweat, and tears to hang in the ring with legends such as
Eddie Guerrero." - Kaval
"That was actually very good." - Michael Cole
Kaval just verbally beat the snot out of Mr. Perfect's kid.
I mean he just spanked him across the arena.
Funniest part is that McGillicutty stood there like a goon and took it.
That was a first class beatdown.
Breast feeding and Flute loses.
Regardless of what happens, Senshi really impressed people here tonight.
I think it's cruel to hunt ghosts unless you plan to eat them.
Next pro is Vicki Guerrero because, you know, she can wrestle or something.
Her rookie is Aloisia.
I'd like to climb that woman and just sit up there waving to people.
We hit the ring and Matt Striker tells us that the challenges are over.
The winner is…
Wow again. Outside the last ten minutes or so, I didn't think he had a shot in hell.
He really tore McGillicutty apart on the microphone and shone in the ring.
Given how well he performed each time out, the former Triple Xer deserved it.
Even the Coked Up Coler had to agree…
"I'll eat my words.
Apparently in the eyes of the pros and the WWE Universe, Kaval deserved it." - Michael Cole
Striker turns the microphone to runner-up Michael McGillicutty.
After a few moments of silence…
"I don't know what to say.
You are going to go to a pay-per-view and have a title shot?
You have got to be kidding me.
That's going to suck.
I don't care what you think.
You are nowhere near the level of Michael McGillicutty.
Ever since I started NXT, I have had one goal and that's to become a WWE Champ.
Unfortunately I got eliminated today and I lose my guaranteed shot at a title but that's not going to stop me from being a future World Heavyweight Champion.
See I am the future of this company." - Michael McGillicutty
Blah, blah, blah.
It went on forever.
When he go to the end, he seemed to be ad-libbing and got lost.
He repeated "at this moment" over and over and called tonight the "Genesis of McGillicutty."
Sounds like he was trying to come up with something similar to "The Age of Orton" but it didn't work. Whatever, loser.
Have fun in Loserville.
With that out of the way, it was time to hear from the winner.
Kaval took the microphone…and was promptly jumped by the season two losers.
Like Nexus before them, Lucky Cannon, Eli Cottonwood, Husky Harris, Titus O'Neill, and Percy Watson formed a wolfpac of sorts and took the boots to him.
The pros came to his rescue and, after a sloppy brawl, they seemed to have NV2.0 at bay.
That is, until Alex Riley and Genesis McGillicutty showed up again.
The brawl returned and this time, the New Nexus took control.
Low Ki seemed to be a winner, but didn't look like much of one as each member of the Jilted Loser Club took turns pounding him into Senshi Jelly.
Although the NXT Champion lay dying in the ring, the announcers still managed to give us a happy voice and show a video recap of the night's events.
We’re all proud of you and everything, but we got videos to watch.
Heal up and give a smile, cupcake
Season two - fade to black.
All in all…Kaval deserved to win and he did just that.
Applause all around.
Low-Ki, Senshi, Kaval - whatever - has been one of the stars who, through the years, seemed to epitomize the non-WWE style.
Hardcore fans loved him.
He could fight like a machine.
But he was small and he had a weird promo voice.
Now, in 2010, he finds a home with the company most never imagined he'd be a part of.
The great matches he has the potential to have and the things he has the chance to accomplish are higher now than they've ever been before and he has the talent to take full advantage of it.
Alex Riley looked pretty good too, but was obviously a few steps behind the winner.
If any story stands out here, it's that Michael McGillicutty imploded and went from a potential star to a confused rookie, unsure of who he wants to be.
He should have kept the babyface act going, or at least planned something to say in his promo.
Instead, we were left with a blank look and a complete waste of air time.
The post-announcement beatdown by the NXT Loser Stable was a nice touch.
This is a good way to bring them in as a whole to the main show.
Although they didn't get the same big deal buildup that Nexus got, NV2.0 has the personality to carry it.
On that note, it was good to see Lucky Cannon embracing his dark side.
Hopefully our Lucky song did its part to inspire his mean streak.
Now get out there and start murdering people, Luck. He has potential, as does the rest of the crew…or most of them, I should say.
Be sure to check out the Youtube Player at the bottom of this page too, by the way. I just added Kaval vs. Eddie Guerrero from IWA:MS and a match from Loki's non-existant 2000 stint with WWF against Crash Holly. I always have it loaded up with the best clips I can find. You'll find tons of stuff on our Youtube Player including the clips from Raw, TNA, classic moments, and more. Plus, US residents can see full epsiodes of Smackdown, Superstars, and NXT throughout the week.
That does it for me and brings Season Two of NXT to a finish.
I can't believe we have to wait six whole days for next season to start!