Click Here To Join Now

Video Recap: John Cena became the new WWE Champion at Breaking Point.  It was WWE's attempt to cause a spike in wrestling message board poster suicide.

Raw Theme Plays. It's all very red.

Break yo'self, fools! Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are here and they're not going to take any guff from anybody. Tonight's Raw is going to spin you around, knock you down, stand you up, and knock you down again. In other words, you'll be dizzy and puking by the end of it. And now, on with the show…

We kick things off with the guy who likes to date all the divas, Dave Batista. Big Dave's got his pants on... and his arm in a cast. The five time champion in his spiffy shades trots to the ring, stopping to use his good arm for ringside hand-slaps. As he does, we all rewatch the video of Legacy causing his broken limb and have a great big belly laugh about it. Ha ha. Nice arm, deek.

As the Evolutionary takes center ring, we all brace for his big announcement.

"First off, before I make my announcement, I want to take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you to everyone here tonight. Thank you to everyone watching at home. It's been a rough year for me. I've had a couple of really bad injuries. And this is not how I wanted to come back , but unfortunately, I've come back to say goodbye. So I want to thank you for letting me have the time of my life in this ring."
           - Dave Batista

At this point, the fans chant his name and I wonder if they're going to dust off the ol' "Tell Me a Lie" HBK song. Instead they opt for the obvious choice…

Former WWE Champion Randy Orton is here and those voices in his head are telling him to take care of an wounded Animal. Cowboy Bob's baby viper steps into the squared circle, gazes all over the place including Davey's injured arm, and then addresses his fellow bald brethren.

"I am not very happy about losing the WWE Championship last night. But you know what does cheer me up? The fact that you, Dave, are retiring. So this is it. This is how it ends. The big bad Animal going out with a whimper. Well, I've got news for you, Dave. The big farewell speech. Whatever you have planned. Save it. Because nobody cares."
         - Randy Orton

Yikes. Take that, Deacon Douche. Dandy Randy calls dibs on credit for your retirement. It isn't age. It isn't boredom. It's fear. You fear the crazy kid from Kansas City. He'll done kick your head in, jerky. For some reason, that makes Batista laugh. Why? Well, like a surprise Maury Povich guest, D.B. has a secret. With that…

The sling comes off. Dave drops his mock cast to the ground and then knocks Orton silly. Randy scrambles and everyone goes nuts. The big man then sets the record straight. This speech isn't a retirement. This speech is an announcement... that he's jumping to Smackdown. Why? Who knows.  That's not important.

Oh…more news. Tonight's guest host, Trish Stratus, has granted Davey Boy one last match on Raw. It's No Holds Barred: The Match - no movie - between Tista and Randall. It's on, punk arse. Leviathan is ready to do you in.

Good opening segment that seemed to run a bit short.  It fel that way because they had to kill time at the end with random video shots of signs in the crowd. Maybe that's why it was a good opening segment. It was fast-moving, concise, to the point, and got a nice reaction. If all segments were like that, it would be great.  25 minutes is too long for mid-ring monologue.

Commercial Break. The tag line for "Jennifer's Body" should be - "Like Vampires? No. Oh. Like Megan Fox? Yeah? Want to have sex with her? OK then. See you at the theater."

Before the break, Baldie 1 beat Baldie 2. It was brutal and featured a power slam that Orton didn't sell at all. Ah, the fun we all had.

Lillian Garcia is counting the days until she bolts as she introduces Toronto's own Trish Stratus! The Diva of the Decade makes history tonight as she's the only WWE General Manager to have ever been forced to strip to her underwear and bark like a dog on the show she's now in charge of. Is she bitter?  Bitter?  I hardly know her.  Wakka-wakka-wakka.

Status is a brunette now and has the audience hanging on her every word. She lets everyone know that she's ready to give them a show to remember. Bob Barker was good last week, but this whole thing was Trisha's world for seven years. She knows Raw better than anyone and that means she knows what the crowd wants…

They want Randy Orton vs. Dave Batista. Uh, yeah. I guess. The Queen of Statusfaction has a better thing for us all to enjoy than that.  That match is tonight but hey, get this. At the next pay-per-view, let's put Randy in a match with WWE Chanpion John Cena…in a Hell in a Cell!

Some people are surprised. Not sure why considering the PPV is called Hell in a Cell. Also, I'm having trouble caring because Trish Stratus just put me to sleep. I have no idea why. She was lost and got very little reaction for what should have been a major announcement.  I've seen ring rust, but this is - I don't know - mic rust?  Weird.

I spit in the face of people who don't give me a gimmick, but give my brother one!

We know, Primo. That's why we're not giving you anything. BECAUSE YOU KEEP SPITTING AT US!  It's not like we're giving Carlito anything good anyway.

1. Jack Swagger and The Miz defeated Kofi Kingston and Primo Colon when Swagger pinned Kofi.

It's kind of weird to see Miz in trunks. It takes some getting used to. Its like when Brian Kendrick did it. With someone like Cody Rhodes or Don Muraco or whatever, they've always been in trunks. When people like Miz and Kendrick, who wrestle primarily in shorts, go to short trunks, it makes them appear to be in their underwear. It's like, why aren't you wearing your shorts, dude? It comes off creepy. It's better than Primo's tights though. He had a green line going from one ankle, up his leg, across his taint, and down the other leg. It was weird. At one point, Swagger put him in a chin lock and the camera had a shot of Primo squirming. All you saw was this big green line. It looked like someone cracked him open like a wishbone and painted a stripe across. Bizarre. Fashion be damned, the match must go on.  In the end, you can't keep the All American American from his United States Title birthright. Swagger pinned US Champion Kofi Kingston after his gut wrenched power bomb. How? Kingston was distracted by Underwear Miz stealing his belt. The Real Worlder walked off with the gold while Double K rides an All American Powerbomb and takes the three.

Still to come: Shawn Michaels vs. Ted DiBiase. If Shawn loses, he has to shave off his fuzz-face beard. Actually, I made that up. Never mind.

Commercial Break. How is Jim Breuer yelling "JACKPOT" in the most annoying voice possible supposed to sell me pizza?

Mickie James has the Diva's title and a pair of jeans on. What's that mean? Means she's not wrestling. M.J. takes a seat at the announce table while Lillian Garcia announces the details of our next match. Trish Stratus has named a triple threat match to determine the #1 contender for the Diva's Title…

…which isn't true. Getting to the point where it seems like a work, Lil once again messes up the announcing. We rely on Jerry Lawler to tell us that this bout will be one-on-one and not a three way. They're not the same thing…no matter how much time guys spend trying to convince their girlfriends otherwise.
-
2. Alicia Fox pinned Gail Kim
-
The commentary on this one was pretty boring and the addition of Mickie James did nothing to help. The match itself was good though. It shows that having one on ones between divas will get you more of a reaction than some six-person nonsense. People focus more. The focus of this one? Gail isn't moving up the ladder at break-neck pace. That's what it was.  Alicia Fox finished her off with a weird scissor kick/leg drop/thigh hit to the back of the skull and landed a title match at the next pay-per-view. Yup.  Alicia is the number one contender.  Are you excited? What?  Really?  You are. Wow. I didn't…oh. You were kidding. Ha. You got me. You got me.

Commercial Break. I'm sorry, Mr. Geico CEO, but I'm not comfortable with using a car insurance company with a CEO who talks to geckos. It's kind of weird. Thanks for your time, but I'll pass.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler have a little chat about Orton-Batista. These two guys have a history. Here. Watch said history -

Video of Randy Orton using "Manu as a battering ram" before injuring Batista last December. People across the world collectively say the same thing, "Holy cow. Remember Manu?!"

Trish Status is backstage and Beth Phoenix hates her. The former Women's Champion can't believe that the former Women's Champion would book a number one contenders match for the Women's Championship without her! She demands an explanation, but doesn't get to hear one. Instead, we hear Chris Jericho.

Jericho walks in and we get into a bit of a back and forth with Trisha. Chris insults her. She insults him and then Beth trumps all. She calls out the Statuscommisioner on her lack of heart. At least Y2J fights. You're a punk who doesn't back up your words anymore. What do you know?  You're just a virgin who can't drive.  Now, instead of fighting on, you teach yoga in a second-rate country (her words, not mine.) Them's fighting words to T.S. She tells the heels to zip their bootstraps or what-have-you. Why? It's tag team time tonight. You two against Miss Trish and her mystery partner. Who is it? It's a mystery! Don’t you listen?!

We watch still photos of DX vs. Legacy last night. It's like a grandparent's slide show from the beach in 1962...only with violence. Shawn and Ted done their thing next.

Commercial Break. JACKPOT! Shut up.

Muwahahahahahah….Money, Money, Money, Money, Money…Everybody's got a price….and everybody's gotta pay…but the Million Dollar Man's son….doesn't seem to have gotten any from his dad because he never talks about it…MUWAHAHAHAHA! Money, money, money, money, money…..

Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes arrive and they're hear to do the obligatory bragging that comes with beating DeGeneration X. No one has ever made the mighty ones tap, but Legacy did. Ted assures us that it's not over. They're going to keep going after DX until they're gone forever…or until they get beat back and lose the heat they got from the win, whichever comes first.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels and Triple H are watching all the hullabaloo on a monitor. The offspring of legends face legends with offspring after the break.

Commercial Break. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, baby! Go get the book. It's these things made of paper that we all used to have before the Internet.

3. Shawn Michaels defeated Ted DiBiase via disqualification

The intro for Ted DiBiase Jr. there was meant as a joke, but it holds some truth. If you had told me 20 years ago that WWE would have The Million Dollar Man's son on the roster and not book him as a stuck-up Trust Fund Baby, I'd have laughed at you. It seems natural. His dad's loaded. Storyline-wise, he still is. We saw him a few weeks ago. Why not make his kid a child of privilege? The only thing I can think of is that maybe Stephanie McMahon doesn't understand why people would boo that. What's wrong with trust funds? People like children of privilege. All these people that work for us like me, right Hunter? I don't know. In the very least, they should do the funny vignettes of him trying to get his dad killed so he can get his inheritance money. He should just bring him out for skits and then say, "Hey, dad. Can you stand there? Right there. By this chair." Then a giant anvil should come flying in and narrowly miss Ted's head. Daddy DiBiase can then look into the camera and go, "Teddy! Not again! Ay Carumba!" Of something stupid like that. They can even play that trumpety wah-wahhhhh to accentuate the humor. You can't tell me that wouldn't fit right in with the current state of wrestling and, hey, it kills five minutes off the show. That's the main goal every Monday, right? At the start of the bout, Jerry Lawler wonders how Michaels can even walk after his vicious beating last night. In other words, no one sells anything anymore. To Shawn's credit, he did sell some cobwebs from their match Sunday night. As the Kid fough on, we all hoped he could overcome and all that stuff.  Go team.  Go.  That's when Lawler then took it one step forward and said that HBK had to win tonight. Cole jumped on the bandwagon and wondered if the DeGens would start to question themselves if the Boy Toy does the job tonight.  Not too much pressure there.  What would they question, Mike/  You mean like, they'd realize they're too old to play these gimmicks now? That would be nice. But Michaels ain't going down without a fight.  The Rocker holds on as Teddy DB tosses him to and fro. The Hair Plug Kid refuses to stay down and as we watch the replays - sponsored by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - we're reminded of his determination. Legacy Ted fights on, while Jerry and Michael kill time by repeating the same talking points over and over. It's make it or break it. DX needs to win. Yada yada yada. With a greater story being told in the ring, you just wish they'd be quiet and let it all play out. As they drone on, Ted throws fists at his wounded prey while narrowly avoiding incoming shots. Things came to a head when Hunter got involved. He distracted DiBiase while Michaels, nursing an injured eye, went on the attack. Wrestling 101 tells you hat any baby face who's overselling a pre-match injury will not get a pin. This match holds true. One Eyed Shawnee prepared for Sweet Chin Music by tapping his foot on the ground. Cody Rhodes reached in, yanked it, and got a disqualification. Way to yank, Codester. You ended the match, ya yanker.

With that, it was on. DX and Legacy put on a replay from last night, brawling throughout the ringside area, and into the crowd. It was a wild brawl. It's the type of thing people would have yelled, "ECW! ECW!" for a few years ago before Vince diluted the whole thing and killed your memories. Everything went nutty and culminated with a cameraman tumbling to the ground, sending us to a black screen, and then a commercial.

Commercial Break. Now the Just For The Men daughters are targeting their gray haired father because he can't get hired. It's a simple message - no one likes old people, buy this or you might as well be dead. Lovely.

We kill time by rewatching most of the prolonged brawl from before the break. Not sure who thought that was a good idea, but it kind of bores the hell out of me. Show what we missed during the break. Don't make me rewatch what just happened. In a world of Tivo, who needs this?

Up next is Hornswoggle and Evan Bourne. Why? Vince McMahon thinks Evan is just a really tall midget. I'm surprised he's not wearing a green hat yet.

4. Hornswoggle and Evan Bourne defeated Carlito and Chavo Guerrero when Hornswoggle pinned Chavo

Carlito has got to be hating life right now. His fro is out of control and now as he's finally refining his heel persona, he has to do the comedy deal with ol' Lucky Charms. Boo. The crowd didn't react at first, even for Bourne. It was just dead. In a strange moment, Cole said that if you've never seen Evan Bourne wrestle, then you're in for a "real treat." Hasn't he been around for like a year or so?  He was a top star on ECW.   Do they just write-off ECW at this point? It's like it doesn't exist. It's super-developmental. No one watches it. It's there to push new guys and rework old guys in an environment where no one pays attention. They figure no one's watching anyway. What a waste. Not being deterred by the comedy aspect of the bout, Evan pulled out all his acrobatic spots and kept knocking his opponents about the ring. Strangely, the audience didn't care…until he tagged Hornswoggle. Horny climbed the buckle to hit a Tadpole Splash, but paused to bite an apple first. When Guerrero ran up to catch him, the leprechaun spit apple in his face, splashed, and pinned him. We now have an answer to the question: Can it get any worse for Chavo? Yes. Now he got his face spat in. Next week - they spank him with a cattle prod.

After the bell, WWE's resident mini-feuder grabs the microphone and tries to back out of the whole nonsensical purgatory he's been in for years. He tells his little foe that he's done. You win. It's over. Chavito gives up.

"Chavo admitting defeat…to a leprechaun."
                   - Michael Cole

That line right there epitomizes everything wrong with wrestling today. That line. Right there. Frame it. Display it. Then cry.

Still to come: Batista's Last Match on Raw…until he comes back in a year or whatever.

Commercial Break. I think the people who named a video game "Dirt" did it so they could see if kids could convince their parents to buy them something called "dirt" for $60.

Last night at Breaking Point, C.M. Punk defeated Undertaker in a remake of The Montreal Screwjob. Ah, the whole Bret Hart gag. That never gets old. Oh wait. Yes it does. It got old ten years ago. It's almost funny in way when you realize that the whole thing is Vince McMahon's proudest moment. It's amazing that he reinvented the wrestling business, shot the industry to mainstream celebrity, and bought out all his competition, yet his proudest moment is setting the ball in motion to destroy the life of one of his former World Champions. Says a lot.

Josh Matthews is backstage with John Cena. They talk about the high price of furniture and rugs and fire insurance for ladybugs and, of course, last night's bout against Randy Orton. How'd ya do it, Johnny Boy? How'd you outdo Dandy Randy and his band of Merry Men? Cena speaks deliberately and makes his point clear. Orton is a fraud. He gave away everything he loved last night at the threat of pain. Cena doesn't do that. He promised that to the WWE Universe (JG Note: Which is just like the real Universe except it doesn't have Saturn anymore.) J.C. goes on about his word and how he kept it. You're a good man, Charlie Brown. But when it comes to the Hell in a Cell, the Marine will keep his word once again and the Legacy Loser will go down in flames. From there, we get into angry Johnny mode. Turning bright red under his yellow and green cap, the Doctor of Thuganomics turns into a walking Christmas advertisement as he makes his threat for the PPV.  It's your turn to burn, Mr. RKO.

We get a rundown from the announce team on the next pay show.  Hell in a Cell is going to pay-per-view. It's the same thing as Lockdown. They overdo a gimmick all night. Not only are Orton-Cena doing the HIAC thing. Legacy and DX are too. I really hope this doesn't kill the whole concept. I don't want this to be Hell in a Sell-Out.

5. Trish Stratus and MVP defeated Chris Jericho and Beth Phoenix via disqualification.

I'm really happy that they changed MVP's outfit like I begged them to a few weeks ago. It looked like pajamas, now it looks more like a normal wrestling thing. Sleeves? Who needs sleeves? Unless you have a giant tattoo across your arms that says, "Wrestling Is Fake," you shouldn't have sleeves. Even if you have that tattoo, you shouldn't wear sleeves. No reason. Sleeves are silly. All you can do is imagine how disgusting it must be for him to yank his arm out of the soaked spandex at the end of the night. Yuck. Aside from Montel's arms, I have to say that this match surprised me in that you'd think Trish's return would have been treated as a bigger deal than this. If you're going to get her to do one match, why not advertise is the week before? Say that she's announced it ahead of time. Maybe they didn't because they knew they had a crappy finish planned. After no time at all, Big Show ran out in his big purple onesie and attacked Monty for the DQ.

The bell rang. The crowd groaned and Porter's fellow friend in red got involved. Mark Henry rushed to the rescue and we all assumed things were over. After all, it's 10:42 and we still have Orton-Batista to watch.

Psyche! This isn't over. The acting GM makes it clear. She's in charge and this match will go on…as a six person tag match! That's right. We ain't going nowhere! Neither should you! No flipping…

Commercial Break. I think the people who make the video game "Wet" should meet up with the ones who did "Dirt" and make "Mud." Would you buy that? No? Yes you would. You bought dirt. You'll buy mud.

6. Trish Stratus, Mark Henry, and MVP defeated Chris Jericho, Big Show, and Beth Phoenix when Trish pinned Beth.

When the match continued, things started to break down into snapshot moments. Beth Phoenix challenged MVP to hit her. Mark Henry slammed full force into Big Show outside. Trish hooked Phoenix, bounced off the ropes, and nailed the Stratusfaction. Three seconds later, Trish goes over. Since she's not a regular there, it doesn't do any good for anyone, but people cheer - so it achieved something. Congrats to Miss Trish and her Red Pajama Buddies.

Up next: No Holds Barred: With Dave Batista as "Rip." Randy Orton as "Zeus." Vince McMahon as "Brell." And Jerry Matthers as The Beaver.

Commercial Break. Boost Mobile features a pig eating ham to illustrate how good their phones are. I have no idea what they want to tell me because I'm so fixated on this disgusting visual that I couldn't pay attention. That couldn't have been their intention, right?

Next Week's Raw Host: Cedric The Entertainer. I like entertainers. I hope he juggles.
-
7. Batista pinned Randy Orton
-
Nothing like starting a main event at 11:00 to make them get right to the point. Randy took things straight to the Animal and started off with a wave of offense. Batista didn't stay down for long, though. He went after the former Champion and thwarted his attempts to get at weapons under the ring. (JG Note: Be careful, Dave. I know what's he could grab. I play the video games. He might find a dustpan or a guitar under there!) In this case, Orton eventually got a chair, but the Animal was having none of it. He tossed the arrogant legacy to the announce team chairs, sending Jerry Lawler scrambling. As the Deacon decimated Ort, you couldn't help but wonder how he could find a way to avoid the loss. Each time his noggin bounced off the steps, each time Tista stepped on his head, each time he tried for an RKO only to be blocked, you had to wonder at what point Randall might head for higher ground. When that time finally came, the last thing the arrogant bad guy wanted to hear was John Cena's music. When it hit, he knew he was screwed. After being tossed back into the ring, there was little the Randy One could do to avoid falling to the three.

After the bell, we listen to how historic this match is because Batista was now on Smackdown. No idea why. Wasn't he on there for a good chunk of his career? Hasn't he been injured for most of his Raw stint? Who cares? I thought he was on Smackdown now anyway. But they sell it up and do a good job of making it seem like it matters.  It's a big deal, so ooo and ahh, people.

"The Viper has been shamed for his sins by Batista."
             - Michael Cole

We watch the shamed viper and his sin-shamer as we fade to black.

All in all…Not a bad show. They threw a lot against the wall and we got some good moments.

The return of Trish Stratus is one example. Obviously, it got a nice reaction. She returned to wrestle. It's a pretty big deal. But it all seemed flat and strange. Her return was done for no reason with no build up. Knowing that they had her booked in advance, why didn't they make a challenge early last week from Beth and have it accepted by the end of the show. That way you could push this thing all week and get people really into it by the time it happens. Instead, it felt forced. It was almost as if you didn't believe it was really happening. With so little behind it, her return came off more like an afterthought than I ever imagined it would. Like I said, nice reaction. But with something like the return of the seven time Women's Champion, you'd think you'd get something more than that.

The DX-Legacy feud is working well towards the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view. Like I said earlier, though, I'm worried about this. I hope they don't kill the Cell gimmick. It was a big deal because it was used sparingly. HIAC matches were few and far between. I said the same thing about TNA's Lockdown using all cages that I'm saying here. It doesn't seem like a big deal anymore once it's there all the time. It becomes part of the scenery. The spots get old. The look gets old. It all gets old. I don't want Hell in a Cell to get old.

Chavo Guerrero - run. Just run. I have no idea what to say anymore. Val Venis was lucky to escape when Kaientai wanted to "choppy choppy pee pee" on Raw/ You weren't so lucky, Kerwin. I can't imagine a place where this whole angle could go that could bring Chavo even back to the point he was at when this whole thing started.

Batista's gone. I didn't realize he was here. Not sure why we had a big going-away thing. That said, they sold it as a big deal, so it worked in some ways. But what they were selling was weird. Lately I've lost track of most of the brand guys. They muddied the water so much between Smackdown and Raw that you have to really think about where certain wrestlers work sometimes. It makes jumps like this seem like less of a big deal than they used to be.

Well that's it for me, guys. We'll have more on ClubWWI.com in the next few days including some superstar-hosted audios and uncut shoots. Be sure to check back. Tomorrow on World Wrestling Insanity, check out Canadian Bulldog along with RD Lee's ECW and a double edition of the Vintage Collection. Be Well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!