Dear Mr. McMahon,
We received your memo about NXT Season 4. In it, you asked for some ideas about themes for the still-unconfirmed edition of WWE's great talent search. So we all got together - dropped a little acid, listened to a little Phish - and started writing.
After about 10 hours, most of the stuff we wrote was junk but we did come up with a few good ideas. Alfred actually threw up all over a piece of paper and then said, "Show this to Vince. It looks like the kind of garbage he likes." We all laughed and I asked him if he was serious. He shot me a weird look and went, "Yeah. Tell that to Mr. McAssface. I'm sure he'll find it hilarious." I'm not so good at detecting sarcasm…and I hate Alfred and want him to be fired, so I figured I'd tell you. Also, he steals pens.
So take a look. Let us know what you think. Also, you haven't poked me back on Facebook. What's up with that? It takes like two seconds to do, you douche.
WWE Marketing, Woodworking, and Promotional President
WWE NXT: All Referees Edition
Concept Creation: We were sitting around the office. I think we had just taken some shrooms and Sal goes, "Yo. Why aren't there any black referees?" We all were like, "Yeah? What's up with that?" Normally, we'd just brush it off and move on, but there's this new Haitian guy who delivers the mail and we think he may have heard us in the hallway. So we figured we'd present this idea just in case.
Drawback: None of the contestants are black.
Execution: Every week consists of two matches - Primo vs. Chris Masters and The Dudebusters vs. Curt Hawkins and Vance Archer. All the refs take turns refereeing it. At the end of each show, we spin a wheel and then throw one into some sort of body of water, depending on the taping location.
Theme Song: We are wild and free….and we count one, two, three…
WWE NXT: Ninjas vs. Old People
Concept Creation: I had to return a library book the other day for my kid. I hadn't been there in years. They were having some sort of bus trip to a mall or something. The parking lot was filled - FILLED - with old people. They just kept stopping and staring at my car as I drove, as if I was going to floor it and run them over. Over and over - stop, stare, stop, stare. It took me two f**kin' hours to return Paddington Bear. What the hell?! I hate them all and they need to be attacked by Ninjas. I'd watch that all day long.
Drawback: This show has nothing to do with wrestling. But, if I know you guys, this isn't a drawback for you.
Executions: Ninjas. Swords. Old people running for their life. Maybe we can do some sort of Saw tie-in and have Undertaker pop up and make them do things to each other in order to survive.
Theme Song: Betty White singing "Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting"
America's NXT Top Leprechaun
Concept Creation: Did you know that Hornswoggle is a grown man? Seriously. Grown. We thought he was like ten years old and figured he'd be playing the role forever. We used to talk about how WWE would be in a tough spot when he went through puberty, but then Alfred - that jerk - used the Google to look him up. He's a grown up! So maybe we should have a back-up plan in case he leaves. Also, Alfred found a funny video about leprechauns.
Drawback: The Lucky Charms Leprechaun isn't real. Neither is the one from the movie with Jennifer Aniston. Those are our two favorites.
Execution: There's only one pro - Finlay. He teaches each one how to bite a referee's butt (could be a good crossover with NXT: Referee Edition), snarl, and talk to B- Level Celebrities like Napoleon Dynamite and those NASCAR guys.
Theme Song: We are small and green….and we drink Lis-ter-ine…
NXT: Revenge of The Letter E
Concept Creation: It was some really good acid.
Drawback: It's a cartoon, again, without actual wrestling on it. We were thinking it could be a breakfast cereal too. Alfred volunteered to pick all the "E"s out of a box of Alphabits.
Execution: Nexy lives in Nexusville. His best friend, Wormy, is a worm that grants wishes. They teach children important lessons by singing gangsta-rap songs about sharing and colors. When the letter E comes back to town looking for his share of the royalties, that's when Nexy teaches children about popping a cap.
Theme Song: (children singing) A-B-C-D-E-F-G….(rap) Yo, G! N-X-T, G! Grab your gat. This is where it's at. Bbbblat! Bbbblat! DIE LETTER E!
New NXT Theme Plays. A lot has gone on since season one way back when. Of course they needed to change the theme song. You can't live in the past. The wrestling business has changed. Don't believe me? Look at this picture…
See? How often do you see jumping Mario Fireballs anymore? Time marches on, friends. March. March. March…
Michael Cole has spent the morning seeing how many hardboiled eggs he can stuff into his mouth. Tonight, though, he's joined by former child actor Josh "Cousin Oliver" Matthews for a brand new edition of WWE NXT. This show centers on Divas. You know - females. They're all divas, you know - what with their manicures and right to vote and all that nonsense. So now we're on the search for the next great Diva. Who will be the woman lucky enough to win a spot on the main show and get a chance to wrestle in a six woman tag match on the segment on Raw after 10:30 but before the spot where the announcers run down the upcoming pay per view card? There's only one way to find out. Sit back and get ready for a season premier of NXT that promises to be…well, about 60 minutes. Yup. That's about it on promises.
In the ring, Matt Striker takes time to introduce all our Pros, who introduce their rookies. I really liked the second and third rookies at first. They were these two twins. Then I realized they were the Bella Twins and they were the "pros." Then I realized how little it took to be a "pro" on this show. If the Bellas didn't make me realize it, Primo "But Usually Lasto" Colon came out next. It was all very time consuming. That is…until Vickie Guerrero showed up.
"Excuse me! For those of you that may not know, last week, I fired my rookie diva Aloisia. Aloisia had to learn the hard way - EXCUSE ME! - she may be taller than me but she will never, ever be bigger than me. And now that she's out of the way, I am here to introduce to you my brand new rookie diva and she is almost - almost - as pretty as I am. Ladies and gentlemen, Kaitlyn." - Vickie Guerrero
As all the pros and Joes get in the ring, Matt Striker gives them the orientation speech and then gives the WWE Universe an opportunity to meet them. After all, the fans vote for 50% of the winner. The other 50% is voted on by the pros. Then, an additional 95% is voted on by WWE's main office.
Kaitlin: Used to blow mailboxes…or mailmen. Something like that. I wasn't listening. Lots of boos.
Enraged, Vickie Guerrero chews out her new newbie. How dare you do such a terrible job! Do it again or Vicki will hold your head in the toilet! Mooooove!
Kaitlyn: "I am so excited to have Vicki Guerrero as my pro."
Aksana: She's from Lithuania. She talks in the third person. I wasn't sure if she was doing a Rock thing or if she just doesn't understand da English too good. "WWE Universe. Let me entertainment you." Classic.
Maxine: Mocks Aksana's accent. Does a thing about having sense. The fans give her the "What?" treatment. Ouch. What? Ouch. What? Owsie. What? Ooof! What? WHAT? WHAT?! WHAT?! Eh-eh! SHADDUP!
AJ: Lame. Talked about her dreams or whatever. Michael Cole said he was getting nauseas. Wasn't sure if it was because of her speech or the hard boiled eggs.
Jamie: Exaggerated prepared promo. But forget all that. I have to say - one year after her surgery, former ring announcer Jamie has healed so well that you would never believe she was once Howard Finkel.
Naomi: She says that the WWE Universe has been missing Naomi for a long time. She says she won't babble about her goals. Instead, her actions will show why she's going to win the season. She seems to be the most over, although the fans might have just been happy because she was the last one to go, signaling that this segment was almost over.
As the meet and greet comes to a merciful end, Matt Striker promises us our first diva challenge is next. Sound fun? Yeah. I hear you.
Commercial Break. UFC Action Figures have a new commercial that features the toys fighting each other. It was insane. Congratulations, Jakks. You found a way to make UFC look ridiculous and cheesy while airing during a WWE Divas show.
Back from the break, Matt Striker is with the rookies. He announces that the first elimination takes place in four weeks - assuming the viewers haven't killed themselves by then. For the first challenge, we'll be having a "Diva Dance Off."
Sigh. Striker then spices things up. Matt calls Michael Cole in the ring to dance along with the divas, ruining the segment for the select few horny guys who would be the only ones to care about it. Wearing legwarmers over his pants and a hat that Matty compares to former ClubWWI.com guest Big Bully Busick, Michael enters the ring and Josh Matthews pisses all over his paycheck…
"This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen."- Josh Matthews
After some dancing, M.C. is relieved of his duties and ring announcer Tony Chimel takes his place. I feel like I'm watching home movies of people acting goofy at a wedding. It's the most ghetto form of entertainment ever. The fact that TNA loses to stuff like this should make them want to set fire to their home office.
Two dances later and Tony is sent from the ring. He's replaced by Josh Matthews, who happily takes part in the most ridiculous thing he has ever seen.
"It's like a bad bah mitzvah up here." - Matt Striker
How is it that everyone involved knows how stupid this whole thing is, yet they all do it? Nothing says entertaining like having your announce team talk about stupid the skits are. In the end, Naomi was the winner. But really, none of us were winners here. None of us.
Commercial Break. The Event - Mondays on NBC…Unless we change it to Saturday after a few weeks…and then decide not to air some episodes…and then not renew it and not show the finale in all our markets…and then come to your house and spit at you…
1. Kelly Kelly and Naomi defeated Alicia Fox and Maxine
I keep thinking of Mad Maxine whenever I hear Maxine's name. Remember her? Crazy Mohawk lady from WWF in the 80s? No? Well, she was a crazy Mohawk lady from WWF in the 80s. I don't know. Maxine isn't really a name you hear too much anymore. That sounds like the name of one of your grandmother's friends. Maxine's coming over to watch the stories. Her grandson is a lawyer, you know. We get a rundown of all the talking points here - Naomi raps, Maxine played volleyball. Blah, blah, blah. As the match went on, the announce team read their centerfold-like bios to us, complete with life aspirations and turn-ons. Quick match with a really weird ending. Seemed botched, but not. Naomi didn't seem to know what the hell happened and just kept wrestling. If it wasn't for Titus O'Neill completely no-selling MVP last week, this would be very embarrassing. But exposing the business is part of what makes NXT so special. They not only lift the curtain, they grab you by the back of the neck and shove your face in.
Up next - another Divas challenge. I can't believe this is what SyFy is putting on against the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy.
Commercial Break. KFC Double Down. Double Chicken. Double Cheese. Double Bacon. Double Bypass.
Matt Striker is on the ramp now. It's time for another Rookie Challenge. This one is "Capture the Flag." It's like musical chairs with flags. There's one too few flags for each round of grabbing. This goes on and on for a while until Naomi finally wins. This impresses Striker, who recognizes that the most important thing for a WWE performer to do is to capture flags and dance with Michael Cole.
I mean, did they book this show and then realize they didn't have enough crap to fill an hour? How many throwaway segments can one show have? I've never seen a show that was 90% bathroom breaks. That includes WCW Thunder.
Commercial Break. "Don’t let big name dog food fool you." Thanks. As if I didn't have enough things to be paranoid about.
At the announce table, Michael Cole and Josh Matthews talk about the "select number of theaters that have the privilege of showing" John Cena's movie "Legendary." WWE should really lower their standards for theaters. The idea is to get your movie in as many theaters as possible. Why turn anyone down? I understand that it's a privilege, but they should really open up more to more audiences. What will happen to the billions of people who want to see it and can't? Seems like bad business, no?
I was being sarcastic in that last paragraph. Sometimes I'm not sure if I have to point that out and then I get an email from someone who highlighted the paragraph and goes, "No, stupid. They just weren't good enough to be in all theaters! Don't you know anything?!" That's always fun.
In Depth Look at Jamie. Her mother was into fitness, so she started lifting weights. Good thing her mom wasn't into crack. That would have been a whole different story.
AJ Untrue Fact: WWE plans on doing an angle where AJ marries Joey Styles and takes his surname. You know, just to be jerks.
2. AJ and Primo defeated Goldust and Aksana
This match started at 11:01pm. Exactly. How are we supposed to take this thing seriously? It's been one long fluff piece with two quick-hit matches. Weak.
After the bell, Vickie Guerrero led her rookie Kaitlyn to the ring by her arm. She makes the shell-shocked wanna-diva repeat her promo again. This angers Primo, who says that that this moment belongs to A.J. That's when the former Smackdown GM ranks him out.
"You may be used to living with failure, but I live with success." - Vickie Guerrero
AJ speaks up and tells Guerrero to take a hike. Angered, Miss Vick orders Kait to attack, which she does. After an awkward collar and elbow tie-up, Primo's newbie scoops Guerrero's girlie in the air and slams her down…on top of Little Miss 'Scuse Me.
This causes Vickie Guerrero to scream in a way that I'm sure many fans have been doing for the past hour. She leaves the ring and AJ jumps around as we, thankfully, fade to black.
All in all… This show is pointless…and pretty awful.
It's like holding auditions to be a footsoldier for Shredder. Why? Given WWE's setup, no Diva can climb to the top of a particular mountain. No matter what you do, you're always third down the card at best. Maybe you'll luck out and get to mix tag with John Cena or something. But ultimately, you'll never be WWE World Champion. It's unfortunate too because there is lots of female talent out there. This criticism isn't aimed at the girls themselves. It's the bizarre way that a company, which focuses on male wrestlers primarily to carry the show, would center a prolonged competition focused ENTIRELY on divas. I just don't get it.
The show itself was just terrible and more of a fluff segment exhibition. All the parts of Raw that make us run to the kitchen or bathroom were made the focus of a whole show. Just insane on so many levels.
The only beacon of hope here is that Aloisia is getting a storyline readymade for her eventual debut. With the way she was referenced over and over throughout the show, you just know that her time is coming. I wouldn't be surprised if she was brought into this show halfway through as a babyface to fight off Vickie. She's 6'9. As long as she can walk, she'll have a job. Even if she couldn't, she'd probably have one.
In the end, she might benefit from not being on this horrendous show. I can't imagine they're going to keep it this terribly booked for the duration of its run. They can't sustain a show like this for three months. Unless, you know, they hate us all...which is a real possibility.
That does it for me. Be Well! Thanks for sharing my Insanity.