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JG's Insanity: The 9th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue

By James Guttman May 28, 2012 - 11:02 AM print


 
Click the following links to check out the past BBQs:
 

Memorial Day 2004 *** *** Memorial Day 2005

=== Memorial Day 2006 *** *** Memorial Day 2007 **

Memorial Day 2008 *** *** Memorial Day 2009

Memorial Day 2010 *** *** Memorial Day 2011

f


May 28th, 2012...Ninth Annual WWE Memorial Day BBQ...
-

Vince McMahon: So I just look at him - just like this here - and I go, "Who gives a flying crap about Alice Chelly? Just tell me when Bischoff's kid's contract's up so I can hire him and put him in a dress."

Triple H: He'd totally do it.  He looks like he really wants to be wearing a dress.

Vince: Right? It would be awesome. I might want to sign Brooke Hogan too, just so I can kick her in the face on TV. I haven't kicked a girl in the face in so long. Sometimes I think that it would be so easy to just get some rope, wait outside the supermarket really late at night with the engine running, and then when a girl walks by…What do you want?

Kofi Kingston: Hi. I was just looking for the restroom.

Vince: (sighs) It's right inside, Kofi.

Kofi walks into the house.

Triple H: Hehe. Hey, Vince. (singing) People killin', people dying. Hear them hurt and hear them Brian. When you practice what you preach, would you turn the other cheek?  Hahahaha!

Vince: I have no idea what you're doing.

Triple H: I'm singing the song by that band The Black Guy Pees. Get it? Cause he's peeing.

Vince: The Black Guy Pees? That's the name of a band?

Triple H: (rolling his eyes) God, you're so unhip.

Zack Ryder: (seemingly arriving out of nowhere) Yo, Bro. I'm pretty sure it's the Black Eyed Peas you're thinking of.

Everyone stares at Zack Ryder blankly. After about 15 seconds of silence, he smiles.

Zack: (fist pump) Woo. Woo. Woo.

Triple H: And that's why we're never giving you a push, asshole.

Vince: Ha ha. He's serious, Zackary. Now go sit down with Heath Slater and the Crime Tyme guy we didn't release.

Dejected, Ryder walks away.

Triple H: The Crime Tyme guy makes me smile. I like his cornrows. They remind me of cornbread. I like cornbread.

Vince: Speaking of cornbread, wasn't Brock Lesnar supposed to be here?

Triple H: He was here for a few minutes but then he got bored and left.

Vince: Oh.

Paul Heyman: (beaming) But I came back!

Vince: Great. What fun for us.  Now please stop chugging the bottles of blue cheese salad dressing.

Heyman looks at the half empty bottle in his hand.

Heyman: But I thought they were free.

Vince: They're free for guests to use on their salads, not to drink.

Heyman: But what if I was going to eat salad later after I chug it and then do jumping jacks in my under…

Vince: Fine! Chug the f**king salad dressing! I don't care!

Heyman: Ha. I win again.

paulheymandressing.jpg

Vince: Whatever. (to Hunter)  Fine. Brock left. What about Rock? He said he was staying for the long-haul this year.

Triple H: He's the one who gave Brock a ride home.

Vince: Oh.

Evan Bourne: Excuse me, Mr. McMahon. I wanted to stop by personally and tell you how glad I am that you invited me to your party. I thought you guys hated me. Here.  I baked you these brownies.

Vince: Thanks, Evan. Say, these aren't those pothead brownies, are they? Ha ha ha.

Bourne: Ha ha ha. Oh man. You're really funny, sir. Ha ha. Pothead Brownies! Ha! Of course they are, sir. I used a quarter of some synthetic stuff and a half of shwag I grew in my garden.

Triple H:   What is wrong with you?!  How dare you!?

Bourne: Rey Mysterio said to do it! He said you'd think it was funny.

Triple H: Well, I don't find it funny.  I don't find it funny at all!

Vince: Relax, Hunter.

Triple H: Brownies deserve respect! You show them respect! Just like the Black Guy Pees says, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, are you down with O-P-P? R-E-S-P-E-C-T, take out the O-P-P!"

Vince: What the hell are you talking about?!

Bourne: (annoyed) You dingleberries have some nerve lecturing me with Chris Jericho sitting over there. The guy's been using the Brazilian flag as a napkin all day.

Vince: Are you kidding me?

Bourne:  (stonefaced) I never kid about napkins.

Triple H leans in and stares deeply into Evan's eyes.

Triple H: Dude, are you high right now?

Bourne: Well, uh… are yooooou high right now?


Vince: This is ridiculous. Why does he have to use the Brazilian Flag to wipe his face?! Why couldn't he just use some of the Canadian Flags we left lying around? They're cool with that stuff. Although, wait. Isn't he from Canada?

Triple H: I don't know. I try not to talk to him. He's so weird. Keeps saying he wants to go on tour with Fozzy Bear  or something. Weirdo Muppet F**ker. Hey. I bet you ten bucks I can get him to jump into the pool while wearing his electric jacket.

Vince: But then he'd die.

Triple H: Yeah, but then it would be funny. I can put it on Twitter and get it trending.

Vince: Oh. OK. Yes.  Technology.  I enjoy social metalworking. I use the Google Myspace with kilobytes for my hard drive. Put that on Quicken Loans and install Turbo Tax. The kids like that ipod nano gram flash drives.

Triple H: Of course.

Vince: Yes. E-Mail. Bill Gates. Radio Shack.

Triple H: Sure. I'll go tell him.

Vince: Good. Also, send over Alvin. I need to get the next round of meat grilling.

Tensai walks over.

Tensai: Hi.

Vince: Hi. Lean in. Let me read your face.


Vince: Two hamburgers, three hotdogs. Good. Thank you, Alvin. You're doing a great job.

Tensai: Mr. McMahon, I have to be honest. I don't enjoy you letting people write their orders on my face.

Vince: Do you like your push? Huh? Because I'll be honest with you, Alvin. I have a metal plate in my head. What's that? Hello. I have a metal plate in my head. Because of that, I don't remember who you are. When they said, let's call Prince Alvin from Japan, I didn't know who you were. No idea. They say we used to work together. But - poof - no memory.

Bourne: Dude. That happens to me all the time.

Vince: (to Evan) I forgot you were still here.

Bourne: (wide eyed) Whoa. Exactly.

Tensai: We were talking about my face.

Vince: Yeah, so - long story short - I had it written into your contract that we get to write on your face. Why else would I bring you back? I have no idea who you are, Alvin. Later, I'm going to let my granddaughter practice her ABCs on your cheek. Bang for the buck.

Triple H: (rushing back over) He said he'll jump in the pool, but only if you let him stick the Brazilian flag up his nose.

Vince: Fine, what do I care?

Triple H: I thought you were Brazilian.

Vince: I'm not Brazilian.

Triple H: Oh. Uh. OK. Hey, um, what exactly does Brazilian mean? Is that the blind people writing?

Vince: Are you for real? It's a country.

Triple H: There's a country called Brazilian?

Vince: It's Brazil.

Triple H: Wait. You said Brazilian is a country.

Vince: No I didn't.

Triple H: Stop. You lost me. Start over at the beginning.

Vince: (rolling eyes) Fine, so we hire the new guy from TNA and he goes, "I have contract info on Ric Flair and this Alice Chelly chick." So I just look at him - just like this here...




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