JG's Raw Insanity
JG's 2/21/12 Smackdown Insanity: Daniel Bryan and CM Punk Share a Pin
By James Guttman
Feb 21, 2012 - 10:43 PM

Vince McMahon: …so the Chinese guy goes, "If this is what you call a salad, then my dog's gonna stop banging  your mother so much!"

Everyone laughs.

CM Punk: (whispering to Daniel Bryan) Was that a joke?

Daniel Bryan: (whispering back) I have no idea. I just laugh when everyone else laughs. I can't believe we still have the belts. Maybe they haven't noticed. We even get invited to sit at the main table when we go to these post-show dinners at IHop.

Triple H: Hey. What are you two whispering about?

Bryan:   (grinning shyly) Just talking about your Easter present, you nosey Nellie.

Hunter:   Hee hee. Never mind then. Carry on.

Punk: (whispering) Holy crap. That works?

Bryan:   Yeah. It's so weird.

Vince: So are you two ready for your little back and forth tomorrow night?

Punk:  Absolutely.

Bryan: Absolutely. You're so pretty. (whispering to Punk) Tell him he's so pretty.

Punk:   You're so pretty.

Vince: Aw. Thank you for noticing. You guys have a good future here.

Hunter:  For as long as Vince is around!   Once he's gone then you guys…

Bryan: You're so pretty too.

Bryan nudges Punk.

Punk: Yeah. Totally doable.

Hunter: Have a very good future!  Hey!  Do you guys want to come over and play Mortal Kombat for the Playstation? I have it hooked up. Tomorrow. Come over and we'll play! It'll be…wait. There he is, Vince.

Hunter points into the distance.

Vince:   John!  Come over here. Why are you wandering around? Sit down!

John Cena walks over.

John Cena: You know, Vince. I love this restaurant. I've loved this restaurant since I was a young boy.

Hunter: IHOP kicks f**king ass!

Vince:   (frowning at Hunter) Do you have to talk like that?

Hunter:   I'm allowed.

Vince: Anyway…John, why are you roaming around aimlessly? The waitress came by before and said you were in the pancake batter.

Cena:   (throwing down his hat) Because I care, damnit! I love this restaurant! The people in the kitchen may hate me. They may hate my guts but they know - I stand by what I believe in. Dwayne says he loves IHOP, but he's not here! I never see him here! Me? I'm here each and every week. Right here!  I'm in the dining room! I'm under the register! I've got my face in the maple syrup!  And whether the staff loves me or hates me, they have to admire me. Because I stand by what I believe in!

Vince:   Is that all true? You come here every week and do that?!

Cena:   It's what I believe in, Vince. Dwayne doesn't come here and stick his face in the maple syrup. I do. Hustle. Loyalty. Breakfast.

Vince: (to a passing waitress)   Excuse me, miss. Is this gentleman here every week?

Waitress:   Yes. He's a total weirdo. Licks the floors and stuff. We usually call the cops but he signs a few autographs and they leave. It's hell.

Cena: Come on, Mildred. Don't be like that.

Hunter: This is f**king crazy like a qua**mpt.

Vince: Huh? What was that word? Qua**mpt? I never heard of it.

Hunter: It's a really bad word. Like a super bad word. They have to put little stars in it when they write it online. That's how bad.

Vince:   You can leave now, waitress. Oh…but bring the little guy over there some more bacon.

Bryan: I don't eat animal products.

Hunter: They're called animal crackers, stupid.

Vince: Oh yeah. I forgot.   You're a Vegan.  I was thinking of turning that into a storyline where Viscera comes back and wants you to "eat sausage on TV." In fact, I have his number right here in my cellular tele…

Bryan: I'll have more bacon please.

Vince:   How about you, Punk. You want a cigarette?

Punk: I don't smoke.

Hunter: You look like you smoke. You should just smoke.

John Laurinaitis: The downsides are death and possibly sounding like me.

Hunter:   (jumping in the air) Ah! Holy Crap! I didn't even realize you were here!

Laurinaitis: I've been sitting here next to you the whole time.

Hunter: Wow. You're like really boring. I had no idea you were even here! How boring do you have to be to not even have anyone notice for an entire meal that you're here!?

David Otunga: I agree.

Hunter:   AHHHHH!

Vince:   OK. Enough. The food's getting cold. You guys know the rules of these dinners. On the count of three, everyone shove it into your mouths as fast as you can and then run for the door. Last one to the car has to rub my toes every day until WrestleMania.

Cena: What if we want to stay behind at the IHOP and help Mildred clean up or lick the…

Vince: Fine. Everyone but John Cena. On your mark, get set…go!

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Smackdown Theme Plays.  Happy Birthday to the Ground!

WWE Universe! It's time for the live Smackdown you've all been waiting for since you remembered it was on like an hour ago. Michael Cole is here to balance out the joy you might experience from seeing CM Punk fight Daniel Bryan later. With Michael is a guy with a hidden terminal illness who had Make a Wish Foundation get him a job as a commentator, Booker T, and his weed dealer Josh Matthews. What? It's medicinal.. He has full blown entitilitus. If you need, Josh can hook you up after the show. Meet him behind the dumpsters and don't wear pants. But that's later. Now it's time for the show. What show? The Smackdown SuperShow! It sure beats the old gimmick -  The Smackdown ShittyShow. I never understood why they picked that name for it. SuperShow sounds so much better…

My husband! Is he OK? Doctor! Doctor! Is he ok?!

Ma'am. I'm sorry. The damage is severe. I don't know how to say this.

What?! Oh God! What?!

He's alive. But, well, if Daniel Bryan were here right now…he'd want to eat him.


Daniel Bryan is with his girlfriend, AJ. (JG Note: Before her, he dated Christy Ferdaniels. ) Danny Boy takes the microphone and clears his throat for a bit before addressing the crowd.

"Back in July, when I won the Smackdown Money In The Bank contract and I said I was going to main event WrestleMania, there is not a single person in this arena who believed me. There was not a single person watching at home that believed me.  Yet, here I stand as your World Heavyweight Champion! And, might I add, I'm heading ot the main event of WrestleMania!" - Daniel Bryan

After the Mania talk ends, our resident starving artist turns his attention to Santino Marella. Nice try at being Rocky Balboa, Italian Stallion. How about you take a back seat to the real star of the show - Daniel Bryan himself.  We get a "Yo AJ, I did it" that fans chant "CM Punk" over. You can chant as you please, plebeians. Mr. Bryan is going to show you…and good ol' Sheamus too that he's Mr. WrestleMania. You know what they say. He don't eat meat, but he sure like the bone.

Wait. That didn't sound right.

But that's neither here nor there. It's time to flip the WWE Logo and welcome a new Mizerable Experience. The Miz steps out with the melodic reminder that he came to play. Mic in hand, he gives Mr. Mummy Hug T-Shirt some words of praise. You made it, beech boy. You became World Champion and Michael The Mizkal knew it from the moment he laid eyes on you. He knew you had the skill and talent. He knew ya had it in ya.

He then breaks into a rendition of Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love Of All".

Nah. He didn't do that. It felt like he was about to, though. Instead Mizzy just gives Danny a congrats and a request. After Mania, how about teaming up with the man they call Miz? How about making a tag team unlike any other. A tag team that…

My name is Sheamus! And I love to fight!

The Great White (JG Note: Shark? Dope? Power Advocate?) Sheamus steps up to the scene and offers some words of his own. They have a word in Ireland. It's called arse and you're it, Danielson. You're also a hypocrite. You've never been a role model. You're a coward who hides behind a woman's skirt. You even hang out with a no-wrestler-catching mutha-arser like Miz. After Mania is said and done, people will be talking about you got Sheamus'd…right up the pooper scopper, sally.

This earns the ire of Mikey Miz. He questions the unmitigated gall of Chez Miss. How dare thee! You sir hath offended his honor! Hoorah! The Celtic Warrior responds in a way that was sure to get him some negative attention from those around him.

" Why don't you let the lads who have a match at WrestleMania talk, yeah?" - Sheamus

His attention diverted, Great Whitey is easy prey for a cheap slap when he turns back to face the World Champ. This sends him into a tizzy. The Awesome One tries to take advantage but, of course, fails miserably. Booger Red stands tall while Dan and AJ Styles head for the hills.

Commercial Break. There's a special place in hell reserved for Jonah Hill after Alan Gregory and now 21 Jumpstreet.

1. Sheamus pinned The Miz

This match was made and began during the break. How messed up is that? Don't wait for us or anything, guys. We're only a few million people. Ralph pointed it out on Friday but Sheamus's over the top rope clubbing move lasts for an audience count of ten. Yet, it's a move that's in the ropes. So it's subject to a five count. There's something ridiculous about seeing a referee only reach the count of three while an entire arena of people count over three times that amount during the same time period. You know, I like Sheamus but his pale skin is distracting. He's like a dry erase board with a red tint. He also makes every single person he wrestles appear far darker than they are. It's hard to get used to. He's been here for years and I'm still not used to it. Regardless of pigment, the Great White gets the win. He hits the Finlay move and scores a three. Mr. Royal Rumble gets a victory and Mr. Real World gets a Reality Check.

Backstage, Teddy Long is being seduced by Aksana. She's seducing him with bad acting but he doesn't care. That’s when the executive vice president of cork-blorking John Laurinaitis walks in with his David Otunga. Long tells the two of them to stick around and hang out for the night. He has an office all set for them. It's the men's room! Ha! Where people make poops! Jennifer Hudson tells Teddy to stick it up his peanut butt because tonight he'll beat Ezekiel Jackson and prove his worth. Because, you know, the last time he did it, it didn't count. This one counts, though. Honest. Unless he loses. Then it might not count again. But then they'll do it again later. Maybe. Who knows? Where were we? Commercial.

Commercial Break. This Monday, The Rock returns to Raw. It's a Raw SuperShow. Lots of supershows lately. What happened to show shows? We all too good for show shows now?  

R-Truth and Kofi Kingston are announced separately but they're on the same team. Once the two guys most old time wrestlers visiting backstage confuse with each other are settled, they're interrupted by The 'Scuse Me Lady.

"EXCUSE ME! Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce to you the tag team that puts the "super" in SuperSmackdown Live…the All American American Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler!" - Vicki Guerrero

2. Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler defeated Kofi Kingston and R-Truth when Dolph pinned Kofi

You have to give it to her - Vicki Guerrero is the closest we've had to a genuine manager in years. She has a Heenan Family like approach to managing with singles guys teaming up when she calls on it. On the other side of the ring, I have to point out how funny it is that R-Truth comes to the ring with his Twitter tag displayed on the screen…@RonKillings. I've been waiting for them to stop plugging it but they never have. Everyone was great in this one. Kofi Kingston continues to be one of the most underrated stars in WWE. I can't imagine him not going on to do really great things at some point. One not so great thing he did here was accidentally knock Vicki down by tossing Swagger over the top rope and at her feet. This caused a great amount of screaming, which distracted the ref, which allowed Dolph to stick a finger in Kingston's eye, which allowed him to get the pin. The funny part? The fall and scream was a distraction. A ruse, if you will. Aunt Cougar is all smiles once the bell rings. Ya'll got played by the 'Scuse Me Lady. How's that feel? It hurt? Deep down? It should.

Commercial Break. "Every Day is a Five Hour Energy Day!" Uh, I'd like to have more than five hours of energy in my day. Thanks for trying, though, Mystery Drink Red Vile Thing I'm Expected To Buy From a Dirty Display At Seven-Eleven.

Next into the Hall of Fame…former WCW World Champion, APA Tag Team Buttkicker, and Guest Ron Simmons. I can't imagine he hasn't thought - at least once or twice - about just saying "DAMN" for his acceptance speech and then leaving. Sure, he'd screw himself out of an acceptance speech but, on the other side of the coin, it would be epic. Friggn' Epic.

Santino Marella is using Eugene's Rocky Balboa-Style Theme Music backstage as he knocks cups from a table with his green stocking'd Cobra Hand. Yes. I just wrote that. He plays sock puppet cup-hitter until Heath Slater walks in. And, as we all know, no one wants to have fun when crappy Heath Slater is around. The One Man Rubber Band knocks all Marella's cups from the table and gets spit in the face by Santino's sock. Yeah. I just wrote that too. The Sock Puppet actually spit water into Slater's face. After the bit ends, Michael Cole calls it "funny". That's because Michael Cole is stupid.

We get a recap of the CM Punk vs. Chris Brown Twitter feud. These two will be facing off in a match at NeverMania. That's why WWE is getting it over. Good for them. Don't want to lose out on all those neverdollars.

Commercial Break.

3. Great Khali squashed Drew McIntyre

Drew McIntyre is a total wimp. That's the message here. He ran to ringside and immediately demanded the match be called off out of fear. Didn't happen. Showing less skill than WWE Hall of Famer Drew Carey, the other Drew jobs in like half a minute and makes us all wonder if Matt Hardy put some sort of North Carolina curse on him before he left.

Cash in your sick days because Matt Striker is backstage with Big Show and the question on everybody's mind is - why do you feel the need to wear a cap inside, ya big mook? OK. Never mind that one. The second question on everybody's mind is - what up with Cody Rhodes? He cost you the win in last night's Number One Contender Battle Royal. How does that make you feel, Biggie? Show rambles on about a series of "you-know-what lists". He then promises Grody Cody that if he gets his hands on him, he'll snap his neck. Will Big Show defeat Mark Henry tonight? More importantly, will he murder another wrestler in cold blood? Stay tuned!

Commercial Break. Golden Choral has a "Chocolate Wonderful". You stick fruit, cookies, and all sorts of stuff in it. I used to like those things. That was until Uncle Ralph figured out the one thing they don't let you stick in it and got our family banned from every Golden Choral in the country.

Oh hai, Mark Henry!

4. Mark Henry beat Big Show by countout…I think.

Good to see Mark Henry back. The guy's a tank. He's also been a menacing figure for years. It was about time WWE caught his push up to his skill. This thing came off like two monsters in a Godzilla movie battling. I kept expecting one of them to breathe fire. Henry spent a good amount of the match beating Show silly and berating him like an abusive father in an afterschool special. When the Showster mounted his comeback, none of that mattered. His body healed immediately and he proceeded to raise his hand in the air before he was confronted by Cody Rhodes on the apron.

Dashing Cody Rhodes arrives and presents an Embarrassing Big Show WrestleMania Moment. Codedust, who apparently is an amazing video editor, has prepared a little video package detailing Show's Ass-Crack From Hell Sumo Challenge against Akeebono at WrestleMania 21. You remember, Big. The one with the thong up your big ole butt. Yeah. I'll never forget that match. How I wish they made bleach you could use to clean out your brain. I would sleep better at night.

Seeing his dimpled butt on display was enough to make Giantzuna forget all about Sexual Chocolate behind him. The World's Strongest Man hits the World's Strongest Slam followed by the World's Strongest Splash before picking up the World's Strongest Two Count. Dimplecheeks shocks the world by kicking out and, unfazed, proceeds to knock Marky Mark out with his devastating face punch. Does he go for a pin? No.  He leaves the ring. He doesn't want to win matches. I'm sure his loved ones will appreciate getting the loser's share of the purse this week. Happy February, kids. Hope you like mayonnaise sandwiches.

Andre The Giant's fake son chases after Rhodes instead. He gets counted out, I think, and the bout comes to an end. We get no explanation of what happened. It just ended. Vince McMahon wants you to use your imaginations like the Muppet Babies. Kids today don't think enough, he says.

Raw Rebound. Last night on Raw, Triple H and Undertaker booked a Hell in a Cell match for WrestleMania. Taker, like Hunter before him, said that he was part of a "dying breed". Uh, dude, of course you are. You've been telling me how you're dead for 20 years now.

Commercial Break. If Subway Subs are $5 Footlongs then they should have to sell me an inch for 42 cents if I ask, right?

The next match up was David Otunga against Ezekiel Jackson. Hooray. What saved it, though? John Laurinaiti s coming out instead and sending Lillian Garcia's head into a tizzy. Anytime you throw her off a bit, she goes haywire like Plex from Yo Gabba Gabba after he had a snowball thrown at him. Here's what she said…

"First the General Manager of Monday Night Raw and interim… talent relations, Mr. John Lara-nitus." - Lillian Garcia

Ha ha. Awesome.

5. David Otunga pinned Ezekiel Jackson…again

This sends Michael Cole into the insanity zone. He screams for Lillian Garcia to be fired. Seriously. He loses his friggin' mind. It was strange and uncomfortable. Equally strange and uncomfortable was Ezekiel - in one of those Picture-in-Picture monologues - admitting that he failed everyone on Smackdown last Friday. Now, he promises to take his aggression out on Otunga. Blah, blah, blah. Of course, by "taking out aggression", he means "lose in like two minutes". That's what he does. You let me down again, Zeke. Your broke my heart.

Commercial Break. Hulk Hogan pitches me "Rent-a-Center". You can rent TVs, stereos, Orlando-based wrestling companies, microwave ovens, and other items you don't mind discarding when you're through

Last night on Raw, Eve was exposed as a bad person and is now a ho. That's the main idea. Also, she tries to mouth rape John Cena. Michael Cole stands up for Eve in all this. He calls out the audience and the Doctor of Thuganomics for their "rudeness". He then calls Josh Matthews a gay slur and makes fun of wrestlers with dead moms.

Dean Douglas is backstage with CM Punk. He asks the WWE Champion about both Chris Jericho at WrestleMania and Daniel Bryan tonight. CM says that he's a big fan of Teddy Long. In fact, he endorses Long for General Mangership of both Raw and Smackdown. He also does a pretty good Johnny Ace impression and makes remarks about Bryan's "copyright infringement". Haven't you heard? Meat is the new cigarettes.

Commercial Break. Playstation Vita - Never Look Out The Window On a Bus Again

Daniel Bryan untrue fact: After an ugly incident, Daniel Bryan is no longer allowed at VeggieTales Concerts.

6a. WWE Champion CM Punk pinned World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan

So Daniel Bryan doesn't eat meat or any animal products at all. CM Punk doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Put them together and what do you get? The last person on Earth you want to have planning your bachelor party. All that out of the way, it was time for the match everyone had been waiting for. It's two wrestlers that hardcore fans have loved for years. Now, they're battling in WWE as dual champions. It's pretty crazy when you stop to think about it. Even if people believed this would one day happen, it's still bizarre to see it as it does. It's the ability to mix things up and try to squash public perceptions about their creative direction that distinguishes WWE from TNA. WWE does things that, a year earlier, would have seemed unheard of. Whether it's a debut like Eric Bischoff or Sable or a double title reign by your ROH heroes, Vince McMahon adapts more than we give him credit for. Those expecting a barnburner here were left a bit disappointed. After a short while, The Freakin' Vegan took a powder but was tossed back in by Sheamus - who had come springing from the back. Punky Brewski hits a kick to the mush and gets himself a 1,2,3.

Executive Vice President John Laurinaitis shows up and announces that…sorry, Charlie. Your win doesn't count. This match has to continue! Even though Johnny Ace's ruling is completely just, he's met with anger by Booker T on commentary. What no one realizes is that if Johnny hadn't have continued the match, then Smackdown would have ended 12 minutes early. No one thanks him for that.

6b. World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan pinned WWE Champion CM Punk

This time around it's a tainted win by Bryan. He holds the ropes as he holds Punk down. Declared the winner, Daniel-San barely has time to eat a carrot before Theodore Long comes out to declare this result null and void as well.

6c. WWE Champion CM Punk and World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan pinned each other.

This time around, Booker T approves. Weird match, to be honest. These restarted matches don't work as well on TV as they do at PPVs and live shows. Something about the commercials breaking the momentum, I guess. As things played out, both guys showed their talents. Byran hit kicks. Punk nailed surprise roll-ups. As the finish started to come together, things really built well. Both guys ended up fighting over the top rope superplex position. When they both fell to the mat below, they both tried a roll up, and…pinned each other 80s style.

With both men neglecting to raise their own shoulders from the mat, it appeared they both had a claim to victory. This leads to a dramatic and heated confrontation between…John Laurinaitis and Teddy Long. Yes. Of course, they use the epic Champion vs. Champion Bryan-Punk dream match to build up the really important part - Johnny Ace vs. Teddy Long. That's where the money is.

The Executive Vice President of Talentless leaves the ring as we fade to black.

All in all …Uh, I don’t know. It was a show. Definitely not super, though.

I was disappointed with how Punk vs. Bryan was used to get over a match between two non-wrestlers - one of which is so bad at being on-camera that they made is his gimmick. There was a time when a non-finish between two World Champions would be a big deal and not just a way to sell another conflict between authority figures. Just disappointing all around in that sense.

Mark Henry looked dominant. Then he looked awful. Weird that he was used the way he was in his return. The Henry character at the start of the match vs. the Henry character at the end was night and day. It was like the rise and fall of Mark Henry all in four minutes.

Life sucks if you're Ezekial Jackson and Drew McIntyre. But you know that. Sadly, these two have a lot of potential. Tonight, they were used as punching bags during your bathroom breaks.

Bottom line here is that Smackdown SuperShow wasn't too Super. Monday. That's the real show. That's the feeling they give you during the entire two hour stretch. I'm sure that on Monday, we'll all be focused on something else coming up. That's how all these shows are now. Outside of WrestleMania, it's hard to be in the moment. Even at Mania- they're already promoting the next Mania during it. It'd be nice to take a breath now and then. When you add in the weak nature of the show itself, you're left pretty "meh".

That does it for me. Be sure to check out our two for one sale. Be Well and thanks for sharing my Insanity


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