Father Falcone:Brothers and sisters, we gather here today to honor the life of Brian Mazer. As you all know, Brian was a big part of our Church and a big fan of pro wrestling ever since he had the accident with the go-kart in 1996. Joining us here in the Church are a number of tv wrestling stars. Also, as per his will, delivering the eulogy today will be his favorite WWF wrestler, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Mr. Johnson.
The Rock stands up. As he approaches the podium, he addresses the priest.
Rock: Please, Father, call the Rock "the Rock".
Father:Very well. Please come say a few words.
Rock: (pause, eyebrow raise) Whoa. Jabronie. The Rock just told you to call the Rock the Rock. So say it.
Father:(confused) Uh. Rock the rock?
Rock:Sure. No problem, father. You know, father, the Rock may not be your father, but he'll make you call him daddy.
Do the ol' strudel doodle! (wiggling his leg) Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa, down big fella.
Father:(growing annoyed)OK then. Please, just deliver your eulogy, sir.
Rock:Whoa. Father. You're rushing the Rock. You know what the bible says about patience.
Father:Yes. I believe it says…
Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT PATIENCE!
Rock: That's right. Gasp. There's nothing to laugh about when dealing with death. Isn't that right, Brian?
RocK:(laughing) Oh. The Rock forgot. He's dead!
Rock:Now let's start this sumbitch off right. Ahem. FINALLY…The ROCK HAS COME BACK TO OUR LADY OF REDEMPTION CHURCH!
Awkward Pause - 30 full seconds.
Rock:Now the Rock may not have ever been here before, but that doesn't matter. This Church is in many ways The Rock's house!
Father:(angry) Now this is just ridiculous. Church is God's house!
Rock:Shut up, Rooty Tooty Max and Ruby Tutti Fruity Junkie Monkey! The Rock'll come over there, flip that casket, take out Brian, shine him up real nice, and stick him straight up your candy ass!
Father:OK. Sir, this has gone far enough…
Organ music plays out John Cena's theme song.
John Cena:(standing up) Yo. Dwayne. You seem to be losing your place here. Check your wrists. You know, Dwayne, these people aren't here to watch you deliver your little one liners. They're here to pay homage to the dearly departed. How about showing some respect? Hustle! Loyalty! Respect! Don't you agree, father?
Father:BOO! You suck.
Cena: (stunned)Dude, seriously?
Nun:I hate you too. We all do.
Brian Mazer's Brother: Boo this man!
Mourners all boo loudly. Cena shakes his head and leaves.
RocK:That's right. You know it. Cena's a baby, baby, stick his head in gravy. Tie it up in bubble gum. Send that sumbitch to the navy. Bam! "Head in Gravy" - Trending worldwide.
Rock:Coming out here like a bowl of Cream of Wheat had a baby with Webster's nutsack berries! Interrupting Brian's funeral like a damn can of tuna fish stuffed with tomato juice from Barney the Dinosaur's nipple! Running around looking like a Super Pretzel had sex with Cal Ripken and slapped its ass in honey! Showing up with a…
Father:Is this going to be going on much longer? We really have to bury the body.
Teddy Long's music plays over the organ.
Teddy Long:(wildly pointing)Whoa, playa. Now ain't no one burying this body until I say so.
John Laurinaitis walks to the podium with David Otunga by his side.
John Laurinaitis: Teddy! This is my call! Not yours!
Father:(tapping Otunga on the shoulder) Excuse me…sir?
Father:Yes. Why are you drinking out of that?
Otunga:This? This is my cup of coffee. It's my gimmick.
Father:That's not your cup. That's the bowl of Holy Water.
Otunga:Oh…wow. Whoops. I guess Holy Water can't be bad for you, huh? Haha. (big swig) Mmmm.
Father:Every single person in this room dipped their finger in it.
Otunga spits out the Holy Water.
Triple H:(running up to the altar)Now that's just gimmick infringement, David. Next time you swallow the finger water, you hear me? (turning to the Priest) I'm sorry Father. We mean no disrespect. I'll get these guys in order. Accept our company apologies. Sometimes our stars get a bit overzealous. You like that word? Overzealous. It was on my calendar this morning. The sound of it makes me think of Jell-O.
Father:Yes. I appreciate…
Triple H:(yelling to the wrestlers)Go! GET OUT OF HERE! Get the f**k in the van! Get in the f**king van! F**king NOW!
Father:Yes. As I said, I appreciate your kindness. I do wish you wouldn't take the Lord's name in vain in our church, but nonetheless am grateful you got rid of those men. If there's anything I can do for you, please just let us know.
Hunter:Actually, father, there is.
Father:What is it, my son?
Hunter:Would it be cool if I humped the corpse?
Father:GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!
Smackdown Theme Plays.
We open with a song but transition to the equally melodic tones of Josh "Don't Call Me Boy Meets World's Corey" Matthews, Booker "Don’t Call Me Mr." T, and Michael "Don't Call Me Talented" Cole. But before we can get too into the goings on of our crime fighting announce team squad, we head to the ramp. It's the return of the two or three or a hundred or whatever title reigns don't mean anything anymore World Champion. Christian. He's going to give us a peep show. Unfortunately, in WWE World, Peep Shows don't involve either boobies or marshmallow snack treats - two things I think many people will agree are pretty awesome.
As Christian goes to the ring, the announcers debate Teddy Long's poor treatment of the Canadian star. He was forced to wrestle hurt! He was forced to compete when he wasn't ready! He was forced to get a blonde Hitler hairdo! Oh wait, no. He did that on his own. New 'do and all, Cage takes the microphone and welcomes me to his Peepie return. He promises tonight's show will be interesting. He then begins to talk about the big 12 man tag match between Teedy Long and Johnny Lauruinaitis for control of both Smackdown and Raw. At that point, introduces John and his partner David Otunga - immediately breaking the promise he made two sentences ago.
Once Roddy Johnny and his Otunga Fairplay get in the ring, we are then introduced to a man who Christian says has "no honor". Ol' Peanuthead himself, Teddy Long! Teddy! Time for you to rise on up out of here!
His Longship approaches the ring with Aksana by his side. He doesn't say anything, but rather just stares at the evil Ace. Captain Charisma then makes his pitch.
"Maybe it's time I put my business and personal aside and give you both the opportunity right here, right now, to convince me why I should be on your team at WrestleMania."- Christian
He extends the offer to Long first. Rather than accept a ridiculous chance to have someone who would purposely lose out of spite on his team, Teddy eyes the host up and down. It's awesome. There's nothing better than angry Teddy Long. I don't know what it is, but he looks at you like, "If we were alone right now, I'd stab you in the face."
This raises the ire of Edge's "brother". Get the glare out yo stare, bitch. Cage isn't here to play games. He's a former 320 time World Champion. He can make this worth your while. You need him.
At this point, Long goes from rational and believable to not. Teddy stops with the angry face and goes to his pensive look. He begins to consider the stupid offer. But before he can make an offer of his own, he's cut off by a pushy Double C. Cap'n Cage doesn't want to hear your offer. He wants to make one of his own. Give him a match for the World's Heavyweight Championship in return for his services. He deserves it. Another title reign is in order. Let's work together to make it 321.
So what does Long do? He explains to the eager challenger that he respects him and would want him on his team. But when he's General Manager of both shows, everyone who wants a title match….has to earn it.
Boo. Who wants that? I want a General Manager who makes anyone who wants a title match drink a gallon of milk and then do jumping jacks. Now that would be awesome. Earn. Bah. It's 2012. No one earns anything anymore. Get with the program, playa.
You know who is with the program? John Lauruinaitis. He cuts to the chase and asks Cage to be on his team. He also gives his word that Christian gets a title match when he wins. No earn. No milk. No jumping jacks. Just a title match. You're welcome.
With that, Vitamin C accepts the offer, makes a dramatic statement about his obvious decision's importance, and the segment appears to come to a close with the bad guys holding one of Christian's T-Shirts up. It would have been better if they held up one of his old cargo net mesh ones or the big puffy Seinfeld Maestro one he wore in the beginning. Man, that guy had some blouse issues.
This segment isn't over, though. Long is still GM and tonight…Christian will wrestle. Well, actually no. He won't. As Ace points out, the Maestro is still not medically cleared. The point is taken by Ted, who substitutes Otunga to fight the newest member of Team Teddy….
S-O-X! I see them balling! S-O-X…
Dude, what are you singing?
Kofi Kingston's theme song.
No, it's S.O.X. It's about the Chicago White Sox.
Why the hell would his theme song be about the Chicago White Sox?
1. Kofi Kingston pinned David Otunga
Kofi Kingston is accompanied to the ring by the United States Jobber, Santino Marella. He joined the 19 other people at ringside to watch the bout. Inside the ring, Otunga wrestled in his dress pants. It didn't really hurt his mobility. It did, however, make him look like a porn star at the start of the movie. I also have to point out that while David isn't much in terms of character, he's improving in the ring. He knows the style he wants to wrestle and has settled into a gimmick that suits him. Whether they do much with it is another story. The styles of these two actually meshed really well and Kingston stays at the top of my list of most underrated wrestlers in WWE today. Best commentary moment of the bout occurred when Booker T mentioned how Jennifer Husband would have been great "in the WBF days". Nice. Of course, things got all murky with so many people around the ring. First, Christian was ejected for interference. Then Long and Ace did their pointing and yelling gimmick. As we all know, in the wrestling world, the referee will actually stop doing his job of officiating a match in order to yell at people who are arguing at ringside. Why he does this - no one knows. Not only does he do this, but he completely turns his back to his job in the ring in order to do it. Amazing. All this back turning missed the in-ring mayhem. The Incredible Clarence Mason Hulk removed his belt to use as a weapon. Marella tried to stop him and was promptly punched. This punch, however, distracted Dave.
When he turned around, he was kicked in the face and held down for three seconds. S.O.X…
Daniel Bryan don't eat meat, but he sure like the bone. The American Dragon is outside the Diva's locker room waiting for his manager to pop out in the dress he bought her. When she comes out, she doesn't look Phenomenal. AJ styles her outfit for the Freakin' Veagan, but doesn't feel it fits her properly. Dan agrees and admits that "it just looked better on the mannequin". (Triple H Note: Damn right. I love the smell of formaldehyde in the morning…) But cheer up, chickie. You're with a star. Now it's time to be one. Tonight, you have a match. If you win, you might get a Diva's title match. No worries, D-Bry will be in your corner and help you through it. He then slips her the tongue and sends her on her way.
Commercial Break. Know the difference between commercials during kids shows and during my shows? Commercials during my shows don't have my daughter saying, "I want that!" in the background.
2. AJ pinned Nicki Bella
Josh Matthews discusses the recent abusive behavior by Daniel Bryan to AJ. Michael Cole defends his actions and points out that he bought her a dress to make up for it. That makes everything better. Cole knows. When Heidenreich raped him, he gave him a poem and all was forgiven. Why can't AJ do the same? The match itself was standard fare. But with the addition of the World Champion, it gave it some importance. That's the way to get over the female division. Having them participate in pointless tag matches doesn't do much. Interjecting other storylines with them does. It adds another dimension to the missed kicks and overdone hurricanranas. The Herbivore actually does his Diva some good. When the Bellas try to switch places, he informs the ref. The cheaters are squashed and Alice Jane does a rollup for the victory.
They play Daniel Bryan's music.
Still to come: Chris Jericho vs. Sheamus for the first time ever! But up next…the Rock vs. Cena singing. Did you miss it? No? Too bad. You're gonna see it again.
Rock vs John Cena sing off Recap from Raw. You know John Cena, right?
This Monday, John Cena faces Mark Henry on Raw. I wonder if they'll sing to each other. Isn't that what they do now?
Matt Stryker has stryked up an interview with Cody Rhodes backstage. Codedust claims that Big Show is a monster 364 days out of the year. But at WrestleMania, he sucks ducks. The guy can't buy a good day on "the grandest stage of them all". He's never won a Mania match one on one. Never. Their Intercontinental Title bout this year will be the same. Now, you ask how the 'Merican Son gonna take down a giant, if you weel? Well, watch what he does to the Great Khali. The Dashing One and the Punjabi Playboy make out or something…next!
Commercial Break. WrestleMania is April 1st from Miami, Florida. I wonder if one of the Usos will go sit in the crowd at a TNA TV taping. Ah. That old gag.
3. Cody Rhodes pinned The Great Khali
I like the Great Khali. All ya'll can go to hell. I think he's great. He doesn't hit dropkicks or do bow and arrows but that would be dumb. He slaps you in the head and chest. Hard. Then you die. That's what he does. That's what he should do. If you were in a bar with the entire WWF roster and had to pick the one guy you won't want to fight, you would probably pick him or Mark Henry. Why? Because he's freakin' gigantic. Cody and his BVD trunks danced around the big man for a bit and tried to show how he'd contend with Big Show at WrestleMania. Apparently the way he'd contend with Show will be to get slapped in the face repeatedly until finally getting a chance to take out a knee. Once the big man was down, Cody went to work on his arm. Booker called it a mistake. He said that Rhodes should work the legs instead so that the giant can't stand. I guess Book missed the fact that Khali has been slapping Grody Cody repeatedly with said arm. If he can still slap the shit out of you, who cares if he's sitting or standing? When it came time for the biggest slap of all, the son of a son ducked out of the way, dropkicked the big man's knee, disaster kicked his head, and got a pin. Michael Cole calls it an upset. It's a code word for "Michael Cole thinks the Intercontinental Champion sucks."
Randy Orton isn't shaving until we defeat Kobe in 2012 or something like that. The Viper's face is next!
Comemrcial Break. There's an advertisement with Natalya and Justin Gabriel speaking about WWE's upcoming shows in Guatemala. I guess whoever uploaded this Smackdown video to Youtube lives in Guatemala. Thank you, Guatemalan. I shall pay you handsomely in Guatemalan money. I don't know what that would be. Guacamole, perhaps? Yeah. You'll be rolling in guacamole, baby.
Randy Orton is here and he's brought his beard, as promised. While Dandy Randy poses for the crowd, Booker talks about the respect he has for the man who has DDT'd women, kicked elderly men in the head, and once hid in a cake for an entire Evolution segment on Raw. The Apex Predator takes the Rock stick and speaks his mind…
"My name is Randy Orton."- Randy Orton
No idea why. I was hoping there'd be a "No Shit" chant. But no.
"I usually when I have a problem with somebody, I don't come out here and talk about it. Most likely, I hunt them down."- Randy Orton
But now the shoe is on the other burnt foot. The Hunter has become the hunted. Kane is the hunter now and Orton has embarked on a path that will lead to one of their destructions. That's cool, though. But before that happens, Randall needs to know why. Why was he chosen? He's not John Cena. He embraces hate. Hate embraces him. They embrace each other. They nibble each other on the ear. Whisper to one another about their hopes and dreams. Talk about getting that little place in the suburbs with a nice fence and no more sadness. No more scary monsters burning them. No more crazy fathers forcing them to wear pink cowboy hats for class picture day. Just love. Love between Randy and Hate. They do that for each other. Walk along the beach and rub sand all along their leathery ass necks. Thank you. Hello? Ma'am. Send a salami to your boy in the army.
So what gives? Why choose the Viper, Kane? Why pick him? Get out here, Maskhole, and explain your Big Red actions! Red Rocket! Red Rocket! I call Kane-o over!
Hey, Vince. How about if I come out and say, "Randy Orton! I will continue to hunt you until you promise to vote for Dr. Ron Paul for President!"
How about no, Glen. Just read the run sheet.
The red smoke blares and the scary organ music plays. Paul Bearer's baby boy is here. Kane stands atop the aisle and take a microphone to his mouth.
"So you're demanding an explanation. Does it make you uncomfortable living in the unknown Randy? You see, normally I'd enjoy watching you twist in the wind, unsure why or when or how I'll strike next. But since you asked so politely, I'll clue you in, Randy. Because it's obvious you forgot all about this, although it's something I obsess over."- Kane
With this, we shoot to a video of Kane and Randy Orton from "Last Summer". Within half a second of it airing Michael Cole goes, "I vividly remember this." Yeah? You're quick, slick. You win a Tootsie Roll. During the street fight last year, the unmasked Monster was RKO'd on a chair. After the bout, Big Red shook hands with Orton. It was all very sweet and silly.
The event was July 22, 2011. Dr. Yankum watches that footage "EVERY SINGLE DAY" to remind himself of how far he had fallen. The person in that video is gone. The new Kane has no humanity inside him. He's a monster again. The return is not yet complete though. He needs to take you out, Legend Killer. He needs closure. It's his obsession. Of course, he put his obsession on hold in order to mess around with Zack Ryder's love life for some reason first. But it's his obsession. Still is. Just on hold for a while so he could play ambulance driver. That's all. Doesn't lessen the obsession. It's still there. Just, you know, waiting.
Ort thanks BrotherTaker for his words but would appreciate it more if he shuts his mouth and comes down to the ring for a fight. The Handshake Hater takes a few steps but then changes his mind. Nah. No fighting now. Kane wants you at WrestleMania. He wants to squash you on the biggest stage of them all. Rand "Don't Call Me Paul" Orton doesn't get to respond. Instead the ringposts puke fire and the segment ends.
Still to come…The Great White vs. The Okay Singer.
4. Big Show knocked out Drew McIntyre
What do you want, Drew McIntyre? What? Why are you here? I feel like he doesn't work there and just sort of sneaks onto the ramp right before the bell rings and then walks out. Some weeks are better than others. Last week, he got a one year no-cut contract for the show and then beat the living snot out of a leprechaun. Tonight, he faces the exact opposite. Showswoggle beat Drew silly for a good amount of the open. But fell victim for the knee clip spot that Cody Rhodes did during his match. You know the move. Every big man match has it. Makes you wonder why they don't just wear spiked knee pads. Makes sense, right? You're welcome, giant wrestlers. Mac had less success than Cody, though. Biggie fought back, hit a spear, and then a chokeslam. He then punched him in the face - an illegal move he uses as a finisher and no one makes a big deal about - and scored a "knockout". The ref checked on a dreary eyed Drew. The ref inquired if he was okay. McIntyre asked if he was scheduled to fight Matt Hardy tonight and why Tiffany keeps getting him so much heat in the back. That was enough. The bell was rung.
Commercial Break. You know what I miss? The Sport Illustrated Football phone. Remember that thing? I guess it's dated now. But why they don't make a prepaid Football-shaped cell phone, I'll never know. Would be pretty awesome.
5. Mark Henry pinned Yoshi Tatsu
You need me to write this out? What do you think happened? That's what happened. It looked like it hurt.
Commercial Break. This is what I was talking about. Every Christmas, we're told women want diamonds and men want sports magazines. Nice. Who says the media is controlled by men?
Come on, Chris. Do it. Your jacket looks just like it.
No, man. Just play my music.
Fine. Fine. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, sat down beside her and said, "Hey. What's in the bowl, bitch." Oh!
Ha ha! Awesome.
On Raw, Chris Jericho outed CM Punk's family history of alcoholism. If it seems like bullying, it's not because WWE has a campaign against bullying. Jericho realizes this and addresses his comments. The comments garnered him some hateful Tweets. People want an apology, but that's not going to happen. People say he went over the line, but there is no "over the line" when you're telling the truth. Look at Punk.
"He's the product of an alcoholic father. A broken home.
A man who has hundreds of tattoos across his body to hide the fact that he has an alcoholic gene running through his veins. He writes an X on his hand to hide who he really is, but I know who CM Punk is. I have figured out the real CM Punk. I know him better than he knows himself. Oh yes I do. I know that he stayed up at night crying as a little child because of what his father was doing to him. I know that whenever he unleashes one of his famous pipe bombs, he wishes he could say those things to his parents. To his family." -Chris Jericho
It's all weird. But, strangely, it works. Jericho's taunts almost neutralize Punk's attack. It puts a pathetic spin on him as opposed to facing him head-on. Of course, he also points out that CM is a Chris Jericho wannabe. The only difference between Chris and the Jericlone is that Chris had a hockey star for a dad. Punk had a drunk. That stunk. Badunkdunk..
A few more boasts. A few more promises. An attempt to get over a "CM Drunk" chant". And we're done. Pipe Bomb over. Now bring out the Irishman.
6. Chris Jericho defeated Sheamus via countout
I'm not sold on Sheamus much, but can't tell if I like it that way. His push feels more organic than other stars that are jammed down our throats repeatedly. In some ways, his Royal Rumble victory mirrors the post PPV run. It's understated. Everyone else does their thing and he just shows up to beat them up. It actually helps him. He did his forearms on the ropes spot. Once again, the crowd counted to ten while the referee counted to three. By any count, he should have been disqualified at least twice but no. I guess if Big Show can have a punch in the nose as his finisher, Sheamus can tie you in the ropes for an hour and punch you in the chest. It's a pretty physical match, as they say, with both guys fighting away. From ringside, Daniel Bryan and AJ watched the action play out. Bryan, scouting his WrestleMania challenger, seemed like a virtual lock to get involved. A failed bulldog by Y2J caused a scowl from the AmDrag. But when The Great Pink hit some axehandles and a backbreaker, it heightened his interest. By the time the Celtic Warrior hit the rolling cradle and scored a two, the World Champ was stroking his beard. Chris got a near fall of his own after some offense but new Finlay managed to battle back. In a cool spot, Sheamus skinned the cat, but rather than doing it over the top rope Ricky Steamboat-style, he did it from a seated position in the corner and flipped himself to the top rope. The announcers didn't sell it much, but it was pretty nice. After a flying shoulder block and another two count, Chez Miss did the Tommy Dreamer pose and set up CJ for the Celtic Cross. It was reversed into a Walls of Jericho, which was broken when the Ginger Brogue Man reached the ropes. The action eventually spilled out of the ring where the inevitable confrontation with Daniel Bryan went down. It was quick and involved a dropkick to Sheamus's face. The referee counts to ten. This time he really counts to ten and not just to three like he did earlier. It's ten. A full ten. A hard ten. It's a countout.
Bryan, who I feel purposely kicked Sheamus in the mouth in order to stop him from murdering an innocent Corned Beef for St. Patrick's Day dinner, ran. Whitey Pink, still nursing his eye from a poke earlier, chased him to the ramp. He did, however, return to the ring so he could kick Chris Jericho in the face. That, kids, is called being a sore loser.
The big sore loser sulks as we fade to black.
All in all…Not bad. Nothing mind blowing, but not bad.
In many ways, Smackdown has gotten better than Raw. Without a sure-fire finish of Rock-Cena, it leaves the door open for other moments to appear. It also makes you wonder what the defining moment of the night will be. Given all the storylines going on, you weren't sure what would close us out. It gives everything a more spontaneous feel.
Big Show and Great Khali should not appear on the same show or brand. They wrestle almost identical styles. Their bouts against Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes were like watching two outcomes to the same fight. When you have big attractions, you either have them fight each other to the death or keep them apart. These two just co-exist and it's weird.
People may be turned off by the Jericho bit. In some ways, that’s the point. That said, at least it's an attempt to put a spin on this. They must have realized early on that abandoning the whole "World Will End" thing for a generic "I'm better than you" feud would be kind of blah. The drunk Punk stuff might not be for everyone, but those who don't like it will still enjoy the wrestling. It doesn't matter what storyline you give these two. They can fight over which Aunt Viv on Fresh Prince of Bel Air was better and they'll still blow you away when they get in the ring.
The Christian thing was long and boring. The sheer amount of time that's been devoted to this whole Team John vs. Team Teddy match is amazing. I hope they have something awesome in mind, because at this point - I don't get it.
That does it for me, guys. Be sure to check out all the latest we have here. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, we've added all my latest headlines and those of the columnists below the Youtube player. So you can catch up on anything you might have missed. Be well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity.