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JG's Insanity: The WWE vs. TNA Apprentice

By James Guttman May 11, 2011 - 11:20 AM print

Yer Fired.


We now return to the WWE vs. TNA Apprentice...

Both teams walk in. Shortly after them, Donald Trump and his children, Don Jr. and Ivanka, follow.

Donald Trump: Hello. Both teams here today were given the task of putting on a wrestling show to entertain fans. Dixie, how do you think you did?

Dixie Carter: We put on a wrestling show to entertain fans.

Donald: I said "how". Not "what".

Dixie: Oh. Ha ha. OK. You're funny. I can do that. (raising hand) How. Me Indian. Me want-um win.

Donald:   Uh...um. Sure. (turning) Vince, how about you? You think you did well?

Vince McMahon: Yes. I think we did great.

Donald: That's good to hear.

Vince:  Hey. Uh, real quick. Can Team WWE took a moment here to say the U.S. pledge of allegiance in order to celebrate the killing of Osama Bin Laden?

Donald: Not right now.

Dixie:   Um... excuse me, would it be okay if Team TNA took a moment to say the U.S. pledge of allegiance... (smirks at Vince) TWICE in order to celebrate the killing of Ostama Ben Biden?

Donald:   No. Now, listen. You two had the simple task of entertaining fans. I sent Ivanka and Don Jr. to be my eyes and ears. Don, what did the fans think of Team TNA?

Donald Jr: Well, on the good side, fans seemed to like TNA's enthusiasm. They said they had a good roster and they enjoyed seeing Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan: Mmmm. Say it again.

Donald Jr.: On the negatives, they said that the show seemed disjointed a bit creatively. They didn't understand why the cameraman seemed to be hiding behind garbage pails and things while shooting backstage segments. There was an incident where Jeff Hardy fell asleep in front of the concession stands and fans weren't able to get to the popcorn. Fans also had a hard time getting to the restrooms because some of the wrestlers were actually living in them and begging fans for money. Also...

Donald:   Hold on. Wait for a second. That's a lot. Jeff, isn't that a lot?

Jeff Jarrett: I didn't hear anything he just said.

Donald:   What are you talking about? He's sitting right in front of you. There's no way you didn't hear him. Is it just that you don't like hearing criticism of your show?

Jeff: I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

Donald: Continue, Don.

Donald Jr.: Don West beat up a fan and Jeremy Borash Tweeted a picture of it...

Jeremy Borash:  (muttering under his breath) I hope your whole family dies.

Donald Jr.: (continuing) There were no chairs. No air conditioning. No lights. They used a three sided ring that left fans confused. And...honestly, this goes on for about nine pages. (waving papers)   I can't read all these.

Donald: Fine. We get the idea. That hard to hear, Dixie? You're the project manager. The fans didn't really like what you had.

Dixie:   That's not true, Donald. If you ask those fans, they'll tell you how wonderful the show was. They all came up and told me that.

Donald: Yeah, but Dixie, that's business. You know how often I hear from people on the street, "Oh, Donald. I loved your hotel or show or whatever." They're excited to meet you. You're a celebrity.

Dixie:   I am, right? (pumping fist down slowly)   Yessss!

Donald:   But I have to be honest, Dixie. I get the feeling that maybe you're only here to be on television. It kinda comes off like you're #1 priority.

Dixie:   I resent that, actually. Because I'm a strong woman in the workplace, people make statements like that all the time. It diminishes me, calls my intelligence into question, and, worst of all,  implies that I'm less than honest. I have always been clear that, above all else, my #1 priority has always been to be on T.V.

Silence. Donald stares at Dixie. After a long pause...

Donald: T.V. is an abbreviation for television.

Dixie:   Oh. Then, yeah. That's my #1 priority.

Donald:   Holy God. Ivanka, what did the fans think of WWE's show?

Ivanka:   Well, surprisingly WWE didn't actually do this task. The task was to put on a wrestling show to entertain fans. From the first day, Vince refused and insisted they wouldn't do a wrestling show. When I told him it was required, he threw himself on the ground and hit me.

Donald: Is this true?

Vince: Yes, Donald. Your hot daughter has it right. Back in 1989, Ted Turner called me and said, "Hi, Vince. I'm in the rasslin' business!" I...

Donald: Enough with the Ted Turner story. We know the story. Why didn't you do the task?

Vince: Ahem - anyway, I said, "That's great, Ted. I'm in the entertainment business."

Donald: Christian, you're the project manager. What happened?

Christian: I'm not project manager anymore.

Randy Orton: Yeah. I'm the project manager. We did a revote.

Donald:   OK, Ivanka, what did they do?

Ivanka:   Well, they had a party to celebrate the death of Osama Bin Laden and then The Miz did a juggling act. We have video from it.

Donald:   Let's take a look.


Miz: I'm the Miz...and I AM JUGGLING!

Donald:   OK. So there it is. Let's get to money. Ivanka, how much did WWE make?

Ivanka:   It was modest, but WWE brought in $11, 200.

Donald:   Not bad. Not bad. Don, how about TNA?

Don Jr.: After expenses and minus wages that still need to be paid to talent, Team TNA brought in seventeen dollars.

Dixie:   (standing up and emptying her change purse) ...and 47 cents.

Donald: Wow. I think both of you are losers here today. I'm inclined to fire the lot of you.

Samoa Joe: Yes. Please. God, please.

Donald: But Team TNA, the bottom line is that you clearly were worse.  WWE didn't even do the task and you lost.  That's pretty bad. So I'm going to have to fire...

Dixie:   Um, we're not Team TNA anymore. We're Team Impact.

Donald:   What?

Jeff Jarrett: New name. Ain't it great?

Donald: That's it. I give up.   I would fire Jeff Hardy, but it seems he didn't show up.  So, I'm closing my eyes and pointing at someone.

Donald closes his eyes and moves his finger around. When he finally stops, he opens them.

Donald:   Fine. Jay Lethal, you're fired. Go.


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