Welcome to WWI's real-time coverage of "Saturday Night's Main Event." You may need to hit "refresh" from time to time for the latest update. Tonight's show was taped last Monday night at Madison Square Garden.

The show opened in Mister McMahon's office, where Jonathan Coachman was reporting to the McBoss on his search for Vince McMahon's illegitimate child. McMahon said he recalled a black female truck driver back in the '70's in Kansas City. Coach said he was adopted. In Kansas. In the '70's. "God, it's going to be a long night," said McMahon with the beginnings of an Excedrin headache.

(Since the show started with no explanation, people expecting SNL were probably a bit puzzled.)

Michael Cole, JBL and Jim Ross welcomed viewers to the show. Jerry "The King" Lawler was apparently still selling getting crowned by King Booker.

The first match was up right away.

(Commercial break)

Returning from the break, Kane was feeling the wrath of Khali. Back and forth it went, then Hornswaggle interfered and was used as a battering ram on Khali. Spear to Finley by Batista, followed by the winning pin.

Backstage, Coach promised to reveal the name of the child tonight. McMahon looked in the mirror and saw his younger self looking back at him. It seemed to freak him out. Ron Simmons walked by and looked in the same mirror. He saw only his current self, then said, what else, "DAMN."

MVP was in the locker room schmoozing with Evander Holyfield, who would be taking his place in the ring tonight due to MVP's unfortunate illness.

In the center of the ring, Coach was listing McMahon's indiscretions. (Just get to the point, don't tell us how virile and needy McMahon is on the road.)

Coach finally got down to the Baby Daddy portion of the show, but if he wanted to do this right, he'd call in Maury Povich for DNA tests. Anyway, Coach's first guess was Eugene, who may have been the result of a "visit" to Kentucky. No way, said McMahon emphatically.

Then there was the WrestleMania 2 after-party. Could Melina be his daughter? Nope, he'd slept with Melina. Melina said that if she were his daughter, she'd take him for every dime he had.

Coach said there was one more possibility, but he was reluctant to bring out the next likely candidate. The glass shattered and McMahon's eyes got as big as saucers when he realized he was about to be face-to-fact with Stone Cold Steve Austin. The crowd went nuts!

Austin said he never figured he might have a jackass as a father. What? Good old pops. What? The result of McMahon's overactive grapefruits?

McMahon said there was no chance in hell Austin was his son.

Austin said that was too bad--they'd never got to play catch, go to a football game, etc. And they'd never got to discuss the birds and bees, and McMahon seemed to know so much about that, he added.

Austin threatened to stun him. But then thought he'd help him with his overactive grapefruits with a few mules kicks instead. Then Austin looked at Coach and gave him a stunner. Stone Cold saluted the crowd with a beer or six and they lapped it up.

McMahon got to his feet, still clutching his grapefruits. Austin offered him a beer, then promptly stunned him.

(Commercial break)

In the dressing room, Holyfield was warming up for his match with Matt Hardy.

(Commercial break)

Cena just about took Carlito's head off with a leg drop from the top rope, then Carlito tapped out to Cena's submission hold.

Randy Orton does what he usually does--attacks from behind. He RKO'd Cena on a folding chair. Orton was remorseless, and a little kid in the audience looked terribly sad. A swarm of referees tried to get Orton to stop his senseless attack.

(Commercial break)

Backstage, Orton told Todd Grisham that what he'd done to Cena was to send a message.

Diva ring girls were ready for the Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield match.

Michael Buffer was in the ring to do his whole "Let's get ready to rummmmmmble" bit. Buffer introduced MVP, then Hardy, then Holyfield. In addition to introducing Holyfield, Buffer also put over his upcoming fight in Russia, which was probably the point of this whole "match."

The referee gave the instructions and told them to have a good, clean fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah--get on with it.

Round one saw Holyfield throwing a lot of light punches at Hardy, who sold them well. Hardy ended the round looking the worse for wear.

Round two was "announced" by four all four rings girls prancing around inside of the ring. With the rings girls and the corner men and goodness knows who else in the ring, it was a little crowded.

As the bell rang for round two, Hardy was on wobbly legs. Holyfield turned to walk away, but MVP grabbed him. Holyfield knocked out MVP and hugged Hardy. Awww, a Hallmark moment.

(Commercial break)

Tazz joined the announcers for the next match.

This next match could only be called the Beauty and the Beast Match, considering it pairs of two of WWE's hottest wrestlers with two of its most repulsive.

Lots of chants for CM Punk.

(Commercial break)

Big Daddy V and his enormous boobs slammed Boogeyman, then it was Punk's turn to roll up Morrison for the win.

The show ended with a recap of the night's festivities.

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This was not the best foot WWE could have put forward to main stream viewers. WWE should realize that not everyone is familiar with their particular brand of sports entertainment; therefore, by jumping right into the show, it was a bit like jumping into the middle of an ongoing conversation about baby daddies. If I were Jane Q. Public, I'd don't think I'd have cared to hear any more of it.