;

 



August 18 WWE "Saturday Night's Main Event": Mallory's Ongoing Coverage of the NBC Show

By Mallory Mahling
Aug 19, 2007 - 1:32 AM


Bookmark and Share

Welcome to WWI's real-time coverage of "Saturday Night's Main Event." You may need to hit "refresh" from time to time for the latest update. Tonight's show was taped last Monday night at Madison Square Garden.

The show opened in Mister McMahon's office, where Jonathan Coachman was reporting to the McBoss on his search for Vince McMahon's illegitimate child. McMahon said he recalled a black female truck driver back in the '70's in Kansas City. Coach said he was adopted. In Kansas. In the '70's. "God, it's going to be a long night," said McMahon with the beginnings of an Excedrin headache.

(Since the show started with no explanation, people expecting SNL were probably a bit puzzled.)

Michael Cole, JBL and Jim Ross welcomed viewers to the show. Jerry "The King" Lawler was apparently still selling getting crowned by King Booker.

The first match was up right away.

(1) Batista & Kane vs. Great Khali & Finley. Kane's ribs were taped up as the result of a past encounter with Khali. Kane and Finley started, and what Finley lacked in stature in this Match of the Giants, he made up for with intensity.

(Commercial break)

Returning from the break, Kane was feeling the wrath of Khali. Back and forth it went, then Hornswaggle interfered and was used as a battering ram on Khali. Spear to Finley by Batista, followed by the winning pin.

Backstage, Coach promised to reveal the name of the child tonight. McMahon looked in the mirror and saw his younger self looking back at him. It seemed to freak him out. Ron Simmons walked by and looked in the same mirror. He saw only his current self, then said, what else, "DAMN."

MVP was in the locker room schmoozing with Evander Holyfield, who would be taking his place in the ring tonight due to MVP's unfortunate illness.

In the center of the ring, Coach was listing McMahon's indiscretions. (Just get to the point, don't tell us how virile and needy McMahon is on the road.)

Coach finally got down to the Baby Daddy portion of the show, but if he wanted to do this right, he'd call in Maury Povich for DNA tests. Anyway, Coach's first guess was Eugene, who may have been the result of a "visit" to Kentucky. No way, said McMahon emphatically.

Then there was the WrestleMania 2 after-party. Could Melina be his daughter? Nope, he'd slept with Melina. Melina said that if she were his daughter, she'd take him for every dime he had.

Coach said there was one more possibility, but he was reluctant to bring out the next likely candidate. The glass shattered and McMahon's eyes got as big as saucers when he realized he was about to be face-to-fact with Stone Cold Steve Austin. The crowd went nuts!

Austin said he never figured he might have a jackass as a father. What? Good old pops. What? The result of McMahon's overactive grapefruits?

McMahon said there was no chance in hell Austin was his son.

Austin said that was too bad--they'd never got to play catch, go to a football game, etc. And they'd never got to discuss the birds and bees, and McMahon seemed to know so much about that, he added.

Austin threatened to stun him. But then thought he'd help him with his overactive grapefruits with a few mules kicks instead. Then Austin looked at Coach and gave him a stunner. Stone Cold saluted the crowd with a beer or six and they lapped it up.

McMahon got to his feet, still clutching his grapefruits. Austin offered him a beer, then promptly stunned him.

(Commercial break)

In the dressing room, Holyfield was warming up for his match with Matt Hardy.

(2) John Cena vs. Carlito. Cena took Carlito down right away. Carlito left the ring and got a folding chair, which the referee took away.

(Commercial break)

Cena just about took Carlito's head off with a leg drop from the top rope, then Carlito tapped out to Cena's submission hold.

Randy Orton does what he usually does--attacks from behind. He RKO'd Cena on a folding chair. Orton was remorseless, and a little kid in the audience looked terribly sad. A swarm of referees tried to get Orton to stop his senseless attack.

(Commercial break)

Backstage, Orton told Todd Grisham that what he'd done to Cena was to send a message.

Diva ring girls were ready for the Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield match.

(3) Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield. Hardy came out with his two corner men. MVP came out next with a whole parade. Holyfield came out last with his two corner men, and Hardy looked a little worried. When next we saw him, Hardy was wearing boxing headgear.

Michael Buffer was in the ring to do his whole "Let's get ready to rummmmmmble" bit. Buffer introduced MVP, then Hardy, then Holyfield. In addition to introducing Holyfield, Buffer also put over his upcoming fight in Russia, which was probably the point of this whole "match."

The referee gave the instructions and told them to have a good, clean fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah--get on with it.

Round one saw Holyfield throwing a lot of light punches at Hardy, who sold them well. Hardy ended the round looking the worse for wear.

Round two was "announced" by four all four rings girls prancing around inside of the ring. With the rings girls and the corner men and goodness knows who else in the ring, it was a little crowded.

As the bell rang for round two, Hardy was on wobbly legs. Holyfield turned to walk away, but MVP grabbed him. Holyfield knocked out MVP and hugged Hardy. Awww, a Hallmark moment.

(Commercial break)

Tazz joined the announcers for the next match.

This next match could only be called the Beauty and the Beast Match, considering it pairs of two of WWE's hottest wrestlers with two of its most repulsive.

(4) Boogeyman & CM Punk vs. John Morrison & Big Daddy V (w/Matt Striker). I suppose this could have been worse--they could have included Snitsky in it, too.

Lots of chants for CM Punk.

(Commercial break)

Big Daddy V and his enormous boobs slammed Boogeyman, then it was Punk's turn to roll up Morrison for the win.

The show ended with a recap of the night's festivities.

* * *

This was not the best foot WWE could have put forward to main stream viewers. WWE should realize that not everyone is familiar with their particular brand of sports entertainment; therefore, by jumping right into the show, it was a bit like jumping into the middle of an ongoing conversation about baby daddies. If I were Jane Q. Public, I'd don't think I'd have cared to hear any more of it.

 

 


Saturday Night's Main Event
Latest Headlines
Canadian Bulldog's Saturday Night's Main Event Report: John Cena, The Great Khali and... um, Jenny McCarthy
August 18 WWE "Saturday Night's Main Event": Mallory's Ongoing Coverage of the NBC Show
Aaron's UnReal Time Saturday Night's Main Event Review - Thorn, Umaga & Viscera vs. Kane, Supergene (?) & DOINK(?!?!?)
The History of Saturday Night’s Main Event
Canadian Bulldog's Live Saturday Night's Main Event Spoilers: Full Report on SNME and Off-Air Notes From Raw
7/15 WWE: Mallory's Ongoing Coverage of "Saturday Night's Main Event"
7/15 WWE: Preview of "Saturday Night's Main Event"; Live Coverage Tonight
3/18 WWE - Saturday Night's Main Event: Mallory's Real Time Coverage
3/18 WWE - Saturday Night's Main Event Preview; real time coverage right here tonight

Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...

A

Sivi Afi
Aaron Aguliera
Skandar Akbar
Brent Albright
Ole Anderson
Road Warrior Animal
Tony "T.L. Hopper" Anthony

B

Buff Bagwell
Doug Basham
Paul Bearer
Giant Bernard
Big Daddy V
Eric Bischoff
Steve Blackman
Brian Blair
Tully Blanchard
Nick Bockwinkel
"The Boogeyman" Marty Wright
Bad News Brown
D-Lo Brown
"Jumping" Jim Brunzell
Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci
Bull Buchanan

C

Lance Cade
Christian
John Cena Sr.
Chaz "Headbanger Mosh"
Bryan "Adam Bomb" Clark
Rob Conway
Jim Cornette

Justin Credible

D

D-Ray 3000
Scott D'Amore
Christopher Daniels
Shawn Daivari
Dangerous Danny Davis
Dawn Marie
Damian Demento
Colin Delaney
Brother Devon
Demolition Ax
Demolition Smash
Bill DeMott
Ted DiBiase
J.J. Dillon
Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore
Disco Inferno
Spike Dudley

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Kenny Dykstra

E

Bobby Eaton
Paul Ellering

Armando Estrada

F

Manny Fernandez
Francine
Mr. Fuji
Dory Funk Jr.
Terry Funk

G

Greg Gagne
Ronnie Garvin
Jackie Gayda
Robert Gibson
Glacier
Sylvain Grenier
Tod Gordon
Zach Gowen
Juventud Guerrera

H

Chalie Haas
Chris Harris
Bruce Hart
Jimmy Hart
Diva Search's Jessica Hatch
Dave Hebner
Earl Hebner
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Jon Heidenreich
Christy Hemme
Hillbilly Jim
Molly Holly
The Honky Tonk Man
Tim Horner
Scotty 2 Hotty
Sam Houston

Mr. Hughes


I

The Iron Sheik
Ivory

J

B.G. James
Jazz
Ahmed Johnson
Judge Jeff Jones
Orlando Jordan

K


Kamala
Kid Kash
Kevin Kelly
Pat "Simon Diamond" Kenney
Ron Killings
Cpl. Kirschner
Kizarny
Kevin Kleinrock
Brian Knobbs
Ivan Koloff

Nikita Koloff


L

Bobby Lashley
Bruno "Harvey Wippleman" Lauer
Jerry "The King" Lawler
"The Total Package" Lex Luger
Buschwhacker Luke

M

Rodney Mack
Magnum T.A.
Balls Mahoney
Dutch Mantell
Rick Martel
Clarence Mason
"Masterpiece" Chris Masters
Robbie McAllister
Rory McAllister
Matt Morgan
Ernest Miller
Missing Link
Father James Mitchell
Mo From Men on a Mission
Sean Mooney
Ricky Morton

Trevor Murdoch

N

Kevin Nash
Nidia

Nunzio

O

One Man Gang
Sonny Onoo
Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
Oscar From Men on a Mission
Fred "Typhoon/Tugboat/Shockmaster" Ottman
Pierre-Carl Ouellet

Outback Jack

P

Diamond Dallas Page
Ken Patera
Nick Patrick
Thunderbolt Patterson
Jim Powers
Tom Prichard
Ivan Putski

R

Harley Race
Baron Von Raschke
"The Yeti" Ron Reis
Rhino
Dustin Rhodes
Tommy Rich
Rikishi
Paul Roma
"Super Hero in Training" Rosie
Jacques Rougeau
Terri Runnels

Lance Russell


S

Samoa Joe
Bruno Sammartino
Samu
Tito Santana
Dan "The Beast" Severn
Ron Simmons
Elix Skipper
Slick
Tracey Smothers
Al Snow
Sim "Deuce" Snuka
Dennis Stamp
George "The Animal" Steele
Rick Steiner
Scott Steiner
Idol Stevens
The Stro
AJ Styles
Dave "Evad" Sullivan
Kevin Sullivan

T

Dave Taylor
Sylvester Terkay
ECW's Tiffany
Too Cold Scorpio

V

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
Jimmy Valiant
Johnny Valiant
Jesse "The Body" Ventura
Sid Vicious
Vito
Nikolai Volkoff


W

 

Y
David Young
Mae Young


Z

Larry Zybszko

Need More Insanity? Join The Club


Top of Page

Universal Wrestling Archives Online Store!

 
All content contained here Copyright 2010 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion.