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Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) and welcome to Saturday Night's Main Event! 

Growing up, SNME created many, many childhood wrestling memories. Remember things like Hulk Hogan suplexing Big Boss Man off the top off the steel cage? Rowdy Roddy Piper insulting Uncle Elmer? Mean Gene Okerlund and Lord Alfred Hayes getting lost while on safari? Bobby Heenan getting sent to the back before the commercial break? Miss Elizabeth standing up to that no-good Honky Tonk Man? The Mountie vs. Jim Powers?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're not going to see anything like that tonight, and not just because 98 % of those people are dead. Let's get this party started!

(Also... I swear I'm not making this up: On my set-top box, the description for tonight's show is "John Cena and Triple H vs. Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton and Kurt Angle. Also featuring Trish Stratus, Shawn Michaels, Edge and Shane McMahon." But that must be behind the times - Cena and The Game are on different brands these days.)

Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler and CM Punk welcome us to the show from Washington, DC (I guess the Raw crew stayed there the whole week?), with Punk essentially saying the same thing I said three paragraphs ago about growing up watching SNME.

Batista, John Cena and Cryme Tyme vs. JBL, Kane, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase

JBL is out first in his limo, followed by... Cryme Tyme? That doesn't make a ton of sense. They're followed by Rhodes and DiBiase, John Cena (who almost slipped), Kane and finally Batista.

Batista and Kane start things off, as Punk tells the commentators he's at ringside to scout possible opponents for SummerSlam (CM Punk vs. Shad Gaspar, anyone?). Batista gets a two-count and Kane tags in Cody Rhodes. Soon, Tista tags out, and Cryme Tyme began double-teaming the Son of a Son of a Plumber.

Kane goes back in and clotheslines Shad Gaspar - we'll be back after this. (Oh, and a quick shout-out to The Infamous Suzanne; possibly the only person actually reading this tonight. Holla!)

Commercial Break

Back from break, Kane drops Gaspar on the ringside barrier, and JBL rolls the Cryme Tymer in, getting a two-count. He tags in Ted "Not To Be Confused With Ted DiBiase" DiBiase, who puts the boots to Shad. JR sells out just a little bit by plugging NBC's upcoming programs.

JBL tags in and start elbow-dropping the crap out of Shad Gaspar. Seriously - he must have done that same move like 32 times in a row. Kane is tagged in, and puts a bodyscissors on his opponent who continues to play Shad Morton. CM Punk sounds a little like Shane McMahon on commentary, minus the constant "BOO-YAH".

Cena is finally tagged in and cleans house. Five Knuckle Shuffle to JBL, but Kane stops him from F'ing Bradshaw's U. Batista comes in and gets rid of Kane. Cena takes in JTG and does and old-school rocket launcher, but look out! JBL is there, and gives a Clothesline From Hell to JTG for the pin. Really? That was it??

The announcers ask if JBL will be named #1 contender to the title at SummerSlam.

Winners: JBL, Kane, Rhodes and DiBiase.

Backstage, Great Khali and (who I think is) Runjin Singh prepare to go to the ring, and Jeff Foxworthy cuts a promo on autism.

Commercial Break

Carmen Electra gives us the low-down on autism. She should have just said "Autism 3:16 says I whooped your ass." Come on -- you were thinking the exact same thing!

A Great Khali promo video is shown as the big guy makes his way down to the ring.

The Great Khali vs. Jimmy Wang Yang

Now THIS is more like the SNME I remember -- only this match would have taken place at 12:20 a.m. back in the day.

In case you were wondering, Khali kind of just squashed the "Asian Redneck" in less than a minute.

Winner: The Great Khali

Ben Stiller can't wait to see Jenny McCarthy step into the ring on Saturday Night's Main Event. Well, Tony Wonder will have to wait, until after the....

Commercial Break

This Monday on Raw, John Cena and Dave Batista will challenge Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase for the tag team titles. Geez... Is Russo writing the show now?

Jenny McCarthy talks about "Generation Rescue" in front of the live audience, and how you (not me, mind you) can lay the smack down on autism. Nice current reference, there, Jenny.

Wait.... I thought she was getting into the RING!?! She didn't even make it past the stage. That's the worst bait-and-switch I've seen since the Monday Nitro days.

Seriously, though, check out http://www.generationrescue.org/ to find out more about what you can do to help fight autism. Tell 'em Bulldog sent ya. Would Aaron Wood do something this noble? Kind of doubt it.

A recap of the Edge-Vickie Guerrero saga is shown next. Mr. Copeland's estranged wife is punishing him by making him face Undertaker in Hell In A Cell. Mine just used to make me sleep on the couch.

Anyhoo.... The Rated R Superstar will face The Rainbow-Haired Warrior.... next!

Commercial Break ("It's huge, Buffalo - HUUUUUGE!" - possibly only Mike Rickard will get that reference.)

JR and The King review the top three matches for SummerSlam. It's actually looking like a pretty decent card already.

Jeff Hardy vs. Edge

The second most-famous wrestling personality to ever hail from Toronto (behind, of course, me) makes his way to the ring first, as we're shown parts of the AWESOME segment between Edgeward and Mick Foley on SmackDown this past Friday.

Jeff Hardy is out next to a huge ovation, while JR shills some more lame-ass NBC programs. Enough!

Jeff wins the first tie up and is just getting a great reaction tonight. Edge quickly gains an advantage only to get trapped in an armbar. Very old-school start to this match.

Both men go outside the ring, with Jeff nailing Edge with a cross-bodyblock on the outside. He whips Edge into the railing, but falls headfirst into the barrier when Edge moves out of the way. Sick spot. Perfect time for a ....

Commercial Break

Edge works over the knee for some time (it was his leg, not his head, that got hurt at ringside before the break). It takes a while, but Jeff eventually mounts a comeback and traps Edge in a tree of woe.

A twist of fate misses the mark, and Edge turns it into an impaler DDT for two. He misses on the spear, allowing Hardy to get Whisper In The Wind. Cover for Matt Hardy's little bro that gets a very long two count.

Edge almost gets counted out, but while the referee is counting on him, MVP comes up out of nowhere and boots Jeff in the head. The referee didn't see anything (and apparently didn't hear the huge "ooooooh" from the crowd, either). Edge gets a spear and that's good enough for three. Easily the best match of the show, not that that's saying much.

Winner: Edge

Some final hype for Edge-Undertaker and we're out. A really rushed show here, given that they had only an hour to play with. Certainly nothing terrible here,  but I wouldn't say you need to go out of your way to watch this or anything.

Thanks for reading. Cheap plug: We're working on some big stories for "World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News" this coming Tuesday.... Until next time, please remember that Aaron Wood sucks.