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Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Daniel Bryan Is The Smartest Man In The Room

By Aaron Wood Jan 6, 2012 - 6:53 PM print

Happy new year to you fine readers of this here review. Hope you all had fun Hogmanay's and Ne'er Days. If you don't understand, look it up. Anyway, given that it's a new year, you'd think that a hipster scenester like me would be giving you a string of videos from new artists set to set the world of music alight this year. Well, that's happening next week. This week, in honour of the last 6 weeks and my iTunes chart, this week's videos are of songs that WOULD have appeared in that countdown but for one thing. I don't actually have them in mp3 format and thusly not on iTunes for whatever reason.

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Drew McIntyre made a glorious return home to Smackdown, only to get hosed and treated like crap, Daniel Bryan & Big Show had a bitch-off, Hunico couldn't afford the same sort of low-rider's Eddie had, Goldust got to look more "Natural" and Wade Barrett was a stairmaster...

We opened with a recap package of last week's main event and Randy Orton's tumble down some stairs. After the credits, the announcers talked about how there would be new info on Orton's status as well as pimping the main event. Well, when I say "they", I mean Josh & Cole, as they noted Booker T was nowhere to be seen as...

Cody Rhodes def. Booker T in a "There's something very wrong in going from Booker to Goldust, even if the latter is your own brother..." match to retain the Intercontinental Title
Lillian Garcia was wearing a ridiculous dress. It needs to be said. There was also a sign at the front row saying "Y2J LOVES BOTOX". Booker started off on stop until Cody managed to get Booker into the corner where he took over with shots of his own and a hard whip into the corner, while looking like he was beginning to work over the arm. They ended up trading chops, which Booker won before he hit a big back drop and a back kick off an arm wringer for a 2 count.

Booker tossed Cody over the top, and while he skinned the cat back in, Booker was ready and clotheslined him all the way back over. However, after Booker went out after him, he was dropped onto the guardrail by Cody before Rhodes hit a running knee to the head against the railing as we took a break.

We returned with Booker T meeting the corner. However, he got a back slide for a quick 2 count. A side kick picked up another 2 count. Cody blocked a corner before hitting a moonsault, albeit one that barely connected with Booker, almost having to clothesline him mid-flip to take Booker down. While it picked up a 2 count, Cody not started feeling his knee, be it for real or fake. Cody locked on a Butterfly hold, but Booker got up pretty quickly and started a comeback. A side slam and a spinebuster both picked up 2 counts. Booker went for the Axe Kick, but Cody avoided it. He also blocked the Book End. The Beautiful Disaster was avoided and at the second time of asking, the Axe Kick hit. However, it also only picked up a 2 count, albeit a long one.

Cody faked Booker out on the corner rollup and then avoided another axe kick. Cody was whipped off the ropes, but ducked under a leg lariat and hit the Beautiful Disaster for the three count. After Cody left the ring, we concentrated on Booker in the ring, as the fans gave him an ovation to ease his disappointment.

DJ Shadow & Tom Vek - "Warning Call"

We came back from break to see a replay of the finish, with Cole gloating it up, before heading backstage to see Cody walking the halls, pleased as punch when he came across Dustin Rhodes. He congratulated his brother, noting he beat one of the all time greats. Cody mockingly asked if it was flattery. There was a reason they didn't speak because Dustin had nothing of use to say to Cody then and he doesn't now. He said it wasn't a surprise that he was more of a success than Dustin, and hey, he's well on the way to being better than their dad. And if Dust was thinking of throwing on the ridiculous paint again, Cody would make sure to turn him from a joke into a laughing stock.

We faded into Zack Ryder with Teddy Long, as Ryder was thanking Teddy for all he had done for him. And what the shit would that be? He said it was time to move on however from being Teddy Long's assistant. However, Zack had a good idea for a replacement. Teddy wondered who, when Drew walked in. It wasn't Drew however. It was Santino Marella. F**k. He said he could be of great assistance to Long. He could update his calendar, sync his iPod and fix the jam in the printer. He could also give Long useful info. Such as last week when he said if Drew lost, he would consider firing him...he lost.

Drew got in Marella's face. Long stepped in and said that if he didn't win his match tonight, he would be on very thin ice. He told Marella that if he won, he would be his assistant. When Drew wondered what was in it for him, Long said he may consider not firing him. Aksana made her presence known (to Santino's credit and the only thing making him a hair's breadth less-hateful than Eric Young, Santino noticed unlike everyone else ever), and when Marella was excused, Long invited her out for dinner after the show.

A Royal Rumble moment took us back to 2008 in Madison Square Garden as we saw the likes of Foley, HBK, Batista and HHH coming in, only for #30 to be the near-miraculous return of John Cena.

We went backstage to see AJ & Alicia Fox talking. AJ talked of her New Year's spent with Daniel Bryan. She positively gushed about him, but she was worried about his match later. Alicia wondered if his ego could handle a loss. Then the awesomeness began. Daniel Bryan entered, having clearly heard the last sentence and in an entirely overly positive way wondered if he'd heard something about his ego. He beat Big Show 1-2-3 to the World Title! Fox was kinda weirded out by this and left. He told Aj he couldn't believe she was friend with Fox. AJ said Alicia and indeed she was concerned about him. He wondered if AJ thought he couldn't win. She said it wasn't that but she was just worried. Bryan, not listening to word she was saying, cutting her off saying that after tonight, they could "celebrate" He didn't do air quote, but he may as well have. He gave her a kiss on the forehead and left, leaving AJ rather bemused. This was awesome stuff from Bryan.

Hornswoggle def. Heath Slater in a "Well, the confirms it. Heath Slater is the new Chavo Guerrero" match
As Hornswoggle came out, we went back to last week and his encounter with Heath Slater alongside Sheamus. Hornswoggle tried to get Slater to look up, and eventually did, managing to get a couple of shots in and a bite on the ass. Horny headbutted him in the nuts and kicked Slater in the head. However, Slater soon took over, smooshing him in the corner with his boot. Slater up Swoggle up top, but He slapped Slater and went for a crossbody. Slater caught him and took him over to the ropes. However, Hornswoggle pulled Slater's hair, forcing him over the top rope too, and pulling him out, while Horny stood on the apron to win.

Slater, in his embarrassment, got right back in the ring and knocked Horny down, putting some boots to him before Justin Gabriel ran down to make the save, hitting a STO and 450 Splash.

Christina Perri - "Jar Of Hearts"

Hunico def. Ted DiBiase in a "You know, I'm beginning to think that since Ted DiBiase met James Guttman, his career has gone off a cliff..." match
Ted came out first, followed by Hunico, who was on the bike with Camacho. Hunico had a live mic, as Hunico said they'd never been invited to one of Ted's party's, Camacho getting a line asking the same thing. Hunico said that maybe they would have to crash the party. DiBiase started off on top while Cole tried to claim that he had bought a low-rider bike and was crossing the border to get his haircut and take lessons. They canned Matt Striker for less stupid stuff than that.

Ted landed a sitout facebuster powerbomb for a 2 count. However, Hunico sent DiBiase into the middle turnbuckle before working over the left shoulder. He locked on a Fujiwara armbar, but DiBiase managed to get back to his feet and hit a Samoan Drop. He then avoided a corner charge and hit a dropkick, atomic drop and misdirection clothesline for a 2 count. Hunico got a shot on the shoulder again however and took Ted down. What Hunico did next was both awesome and difficult to describe. He hooked Ted's arms behind him with his leg, rolled Ted over and then tying up Ted's leg the same you would for a Texas Cloverleaf, stretched out over his shoulder. It looked like a submission hold, but also also very much a pin as Ted's shoulders were on the mat for a three count. Very unique and very cool.

The biggest hit TNA has ever given WWE, this...
Backstage, we saw Wade Barrett talking to a couple of doctors in the doctor's room. After the break, Wade came down to the ring. Barrett said he told the doctors not to bother coming out to give an update as he was going to handle it. Like they were ever going to anyway... An interview with Striker backstage maybe, but you weren't going to have any doctors coming out for jack-squat. He showed a replay of last week's match, notably the brawl in the lift and the tumble down the stairs.

Wade said that Orton's injury was a by product of the match, and he had a herniated disc in his lower back. As for his career? He was finished. Of course, he might try and come back, but he'd never be the same psychologically. Another victim of the Barrett Barrage. Ironically, the Royal Rumble match would be in Orton's hometown of St. Louis. Ironic as rather than see Orton winning, Orton would have to sit with the fans and watch him win, as there was no-one who could stop him from winning.

Someone thought they could though. Namely Sheamus. Sheamus was confused because he didn't know who was standing in the ring. Wade or his Uncle Wilfred. Y'see, Wilf loved the sound of his own voice, who talked of fights he's won. However, he was a plain sheep herder and his stories were just fantasy. And here was Wade talking as if he was going to win the Rumble without any problem. Well, Wade would have problems, and Sheamus was the biggest one. See, Uncle Wilfred was kicked in the head by a mule as a boy, it being his excuse for his stories, but what was Wade's?

Inexplicably, Jinder Mahal came out. Wade left the ring and stood at ringside while Mahal got in the ring. He got in Sheamus' face and slapped him, starting a fight. With Sheamus' back turned, Wade got in and attacked himself. This essentially led to a 2 on 1 fight. Sheamus made a comeback, hitting axe handles and powerslams. He looked for the Celtic Cross on Wade, but Mahal broke it up. He knocked Mahal out of the ring, but Wade hit The Winds Of Change. He left with his music playing. Mahal however, got back in the ring and locked on the Camel Clutch for a while.

I mean, Mahal has had one foot in the grave of Future Endeavours for ages now. The only real explanation why this no-talent has suddenly gotten a push is because TNA has started their "Ring Ka King" (and come on, not only is it typical WWE-baiting as it translates as "King Of The Ring", but it also sounds so much like TNA. That is to say, "Rinky Dink") promotion in India and it looks really quite interesting.

Josh & Cole recapped what happened at TLC, with Big Show winning the World Title, only for Daniel Bryan to cash it in. They then did a Tale Of The Tape. You know, just because Bryan is a midget.

Glasevgas - "The World Is Yours"

Santino Marella def. Drew McIntyre in a "If you aren't a fan of fruity language, may I suggest skipping a few paragraphs???" match
Santino f**king Merella minced down to the f**king ring like a f**king goof, doing f**king laps like a f**king bell-end. Drew didn't even get his full f**king entrance. Drew is so f**ked, that even Cole agrees with Teddy f**king Long in his position on him. Drew kept shoving his f**king dickwad of an opponent, but the tat kept getting up again. He tried a float over int he corner but Drew kicked him in the stomach. The f**ker kicked out at 2. Drew hit an awesome suplex for a 2 count, before choking the stupid f**ker in the ropes. He looked to finish, but the jammy arse turned it into a jacknife pin for a quick 2 count. Drew remained on top however.

He worked over the f**king moron in the corner and put him up top. However, as Drew went up for a superplex, the cheating f**ker of an opponent slipped over and pulled Drew face first onto the top of the ring post. The greasy little f**ker set up for his shitty f**king finisher and hit Drew with the f**king God damn Corba for the three count. I hate Santino Marella. I HATE SANTINO MARELLA. If you thought Mike Johns hated TNA, be ready for some bile now that Santino is seemingly being put on my beloved show for more inane shitty unfunny comedy. Santino is as funny as losing a limb in a car accident.

After the break, Drew was in disbelief backstage when Teddy walked up to him. The vindictive little piece of garbage that is Teddy Long wouldn't listen to his reasoned argument. He said that was strike 2. And if it was strike three next week, he may well be out. Because yeah, we seemingly aren't at all going to discount the fact that Big Zeke clearly cheated. Drew left and Marella walked in saying they'd make beautiful music together while doing his idiotic trombone celebration.

Epico & Primo def. Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne in a "Well, I guess this is what you get for snitchin'..." match
The Latinos didn't get an entrance, although seeing Rosa dance is all you need to see. And Rosa got an inset promo, saying something in Spanish. I can only assume it was something bigging up her boys and slagging off Kingston & Bourne, who had a new TitanTron to go along with their new merchandise shirts.

Evan and Epico started things off. Bourne got the upperhand long enough to tag in Kofi. However, the Colon cousins took control of things, and started making quick tags while working over Kofi in the corner. Kingston blocked an Epico charge and hit a cross body, and it allowed a tag to Bourne, who ran wild on Primo with various kicks and a hurricanrana. Bourne hit a corner splash before going up and hitting the double knees for a 2 count, as Epico broke up the ring. The match broke down, with Rosa blocking Kofi's dive out onto Epico, before Epico pulled him out of the ring. In the ring, Evan kicked Primo down and went up top. However, Epico pulled Primo out of the way from the Shooting Star Press, with Primo taking immediate advantage for the three count.

We went backstage with Matt Striker as he introduced an incredibly happy Big Show. He was clearly entirely confident of beating the little midget. He said he never underestimates any opponent, but his confidence was very high. When Bryan pinned him, he was unconscious. He's conscious tonight, so... He said that Bryan was a good wrestler when Bryan walked in. The still super-happy Bryan said he was a VERY good wrestler, and one day a great one. But Show throws it out there like he didn't work every day to be that. He wasn't born a genetic freak. If he had Show's size and his own skill, it wouldn't have been nine years between titles and wouldn't have the shortest reign in history.

Show's mood changed and he put his hand menacingly on Bryan's shoulder. Bryan's mood now changed, and he sternly told Show to get his hand off his shoulder. Indeed, i thought he was going to break out into Heston's speech from “Planet Of The Apes”, the way he said it. Show rather condescendingly asked if Bryan was now a tough guy. Bryan again told him to get his hand off him, which Show did before leaving. This was great.

Lana Del Ray - "Video Games"

They announced that Sheamus would meet Jinder Mahal next week. If that goes more than 6 minutes, there is something very wrong.

Tamina def. Natalya in a "Well, let's see the fathers & daughters mixed tag happen then..." match
Natalya was already in the ring as we joined her. In a neat touch, we saw a video of her father, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart in action, and then, when Tamina came out, we saw a video of Superfly Jimmy Snuka in the ring as well. Natalya immediately took down Tamina and generally mauled her. She looked for an early Sharpshooter, but Tamina kicked her off. They did a double cross body. Tamina hit a Samoan Drop before heading up top for the Superfly Splash and the win side of about a minute.

We went back to RAW. Rather than do anything with Jericho's re-re-debut, it was all about the main event. Indeed, there was not word one on Jericho on this show, which was something of a surprise. If' have thought the way he came back would have made for a pretty great video package. That said, the post-match part of this video was pretty damn great itself.

We saw the now stoic Daniel Bryan and the still relatively happy Big Show walking the halls.

Another Royal Rumble moment aired, in this case, it was once again the first Rumble in 1988, which Hacksaw Jim Duggan won. Imagine if there was a Wrestlemania spot on the line back then...

The Horrors - "Still Life"

Daniel Bryan def. Big Show by DQ in a "Booker T who?" match for the World Title
Mark Henry came out as he took a seat at ringside on guest commentary, with Lillian giving it the main event introductions. As Daniel Bryan came out, Henry was asked for comments, and said Bryan was a great talent...in the midget division. I think you'll find Mark, that it was called the Juniors Divison...


In a funny moment, after Henry's comment, he chastised Cole for asking who would win between Bryan and Hornswoggle, asking how it was relevant to him, telling him if he didn't have anything smart to say, then say nothing at all. Big Show went for Bryan, but Bryan easily avoided him in all sorts of way. Show eventually got him and chopped him in the corner, before picking up with both hands and tossig him down, sending Bryan out for a think we as took a break.

We returned with Big Show shoving Daniel Bryan out once again. However, this was as Big Show went out after him, which allowed Bryan to hit a baseball slide. However, Show caught Bryan's plancha. However, Bryan slipped behind and pushed Show into the ringpost and then kicked Big Show in the head, before looking for the countout. However Show got back in at 8. Show immediately chopped Bryan down, but Bryan took out a leg and hit some kicks. However, the pin was kicked out of with authority. Bryan hit a missile dropkick, but again, it only picked up 2 and the kickout was with authority, this time sending Bryan outside.

Bryan realised that he was now bleeding from the mouth as Henry stood up and told Bryan to stop taking a rest and get back in the ring, much like he had to Big Show earlier. As Bryan was otherwise distracted, Show pulled Bryan up by the head. However, Bryan hotshotted Show. He headed up, but his dive off was countered with a chop to the chest. Bryan avoided a charge into the corner, but he bounced off the ropes and was hit with a spear for a 2 count. Henry praised Bryan for this kick out.

Show wanted a chokeslam, but Bryan countered into a guillotine. Show got down on a knee. When he looked to power out, Bryan switched round and locked in the LeBell Lock. He lasted some time before powering out of it. Show quickly loaded up for the WMD, but it was long enough for Bryan to see what was coming, ducking out of the ring.

Bryan, realising that his best moves weren't likely to be good enough looked around for ideas. He then saw Henry and had an idea. He squared up to Henry and talked some trash, prompting Henry to shove Bryan on his ass. DanBry then awesomely played to the ref, being all "Did you see what just happened?!?!", with the referee having no choice but to call for the DQ, and indeed, a DQ that gave Daniel Bryan the win.

Show realised that he had been shafted by the midget. Upon Garcia's announcement, Bryan went into fully overblown celebration mode like he had just own the belt clean at Wrestlemania, heading up the ramp celebrating with the belt shouting "YES!", Show looked pissed and Henry looked more bemused than anything as the show went off the air.

OVERALL - The main parts of this show were awesome. However, as high as the highs were, the lows were just as low. Let's start with the great. And that great was essentially Daniel Bryan. He was such an awesome douchecanoe with an excellent performance. His interactions with AJ & Alicia were great, being so disingenuous with Alicia and then rather possessive of AJ. And then his stuff with Big Show backstage was also great, niggling at the giant. I mean, Big Show was heelish enough himself that it should continue the "Who's turning first?" idea, but at this point, there can only be one answer, and that's Bryan.

The main event was almost perfectly booked as well. Bryan got some good shots in and had a good chance of winning. He'd likely have beaten anyone else with that match. But Big Show was just so damn big. That finish was pretty much perfect. Often that sort of finish would be done simply because there was no apparent way out of it. But on this occasion it was the perfect way to to continue the story Bryan was smart enough to know that if there was a DQ, he'd keep his title. And indeed, rather than being counted out or using a weapon and getting himself DQ'ed, the record books say that he won the match, even though none of it was Show's fault.

The other totally awesome part of the main event? Mark Henry on commentary. I don't know if he was told to cut down Cole when he could, but his put-downs were WAY better than anything Booker can get out there. And he wasn't just great because he kept Cole in check. He got the match over really well while saying he was better than either at the same time.

The other real high point of the show was the opener, because it was a really fun match. Maybe not the story I expected, which was more akin to the match they had on RAW, as in this case, Booker largely controlled the pace and any work Cody did on the arm was largely just there to give Cody something to do while on top, yet all the time, the talk was of Booker needing to keep up with Cody, especially over a distance. But it was a strong match. And Cody's bit with his brother afterwards was well done.

And I'm afraid the good times end there this week. I didn't dislike the stuff with Drew, Teddy & Santino because I hate Santino. I didn't dislike it because I love Drew and he's clearly being booked like a tool. I didn't dislike because it now means that more weeks than not, I'm going to have to put up with more Santino "comedy" like Corey has to put up with Eric Young. Well, to be honest, I did dislike it for all those things, but neither were the main reason. I just dislike the whole angle for the same reasons as I thought it sucked last week. The whole angle sucks and does nothing for no-one.

As noted, it doesn't get Drew over because he's booked as a whiny fool who couldn't cut it on RAW. It doesn't get Teddy over because he looks like an idiot for signing not only a loser, but a loser who is on huge pay. It doesn't help the show because Long is signing a guy who couldn't cut it on the other show. Even if Drew wins next week, things will still be as bad for him. He won't suddenly be booked like he was last time he was on Smackdown. And frankly, at this point, I won't even be surprised if he loses and then after the show on Friday, WWE confirms the inevitable.

I wasn't a fan of the "Over The Top Rope challenge". I like Hornswoggle, and it's nice to keep him involved, but this is just too much. It's hard to suspend my disbelief that that is what would happen in such a situation, even against Heath Slater. That said, if this does move to a Gabriel/Slater feud, that could be fun.

I always find the segments where Sheamus relating something to a member of his family are his weakest. The size his family must be... Indeed, you can lump in the olden day warriors in with that too. Just something mildly irritating about them. That said, lining him up in a feud with Wade could be fun. So why Jinder Mahal is at all involved is beyond me. And seriously, TNA's satellite promotion is the ONLY reason I can think that WWE is suddenly treating Mahal like he's a player. I mean, their first tapings results coming out and his new push essentially coincide.

The tag match and Natalya/Tamina were fine enough. Obviously, I'd have preferred longer in the women's match than around a minute, but I don't think this is the end, and showing videos of their fathers was a very neat touch.

You can contact Aaron via his personal Facebook or the WWI Fan Page. All he asks is that if you do "friend" him personally that you write a little note noting that you read the reviews.

Or if you are on Twitter, Aaron can be reached at twitter.com/aaron24wood or the WWI Twitter feed at twitter.com/clubwwi.

You can join Aaron in the online gaming world either on the XBox 360 or the superior Playstation 3. Either way, his screen-name is aaron24wood

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